I love a mystery box! The concept of giving someone information about my preferences and then they pick out things to suit me is just very satisfying to me. It’s a bit like receiving a present from someone who knows you well enough to pick out things you’ll love. So when new company Bed Nerdz got in touch and asked me to review one of their adult mystery box sets, I was all over it.
Update 28/04/25: Unfortunately Bed Nerdz appear to no longer be offering a mystery box option. However, they still offer curated sets and each of these toys individually. Links have been updated accordingly.
What is Bed Nerdz and How Does It Work?
Bed Nerdz is a one-off gift box service (i.e. not a subscription.) There are currently two options to choose from, each containing three toys:
Rodeo Drive Box: One penis toy, one vulva toy, one anal toy
Sunset Strip Box: Three vulva toys
For the now-defunct Mystery Box service, I was asked to answer a few questions about myself, my partners, and how I like to have sex. I told them that I’m a woman, have sex with partners of multiple genders, enjoy vibration and suction, prefer clitoral stimulation, and would describe my sexual personality as adventurous, curious, and kinky.
What’s Did My Adult Mystery Box Contain?
My box arrived discreetly packaged in the post, and I set about unboxing it. I was immediately impressed by how beautifully presented it was. The contents, set in a sturdy box, were protected with a branded paper covering tied by a ribbon.
A postcard with some gorgeous sapphic artwork (see above) and a message from the founders was included.
Inside, the three toys (and a set of bonus sex dice) were presented in foam packaging.
Ten out of ten for presentation! But what about performance?
Which Toys Did I Receive?
Safe to say the Bed Nerdz team understood the assignment (as the young people apparently say!) I received three clitoral toys: two vibrators, and a suction toy.
Let’s have a look at each of them in turn.
Jesse Clit Sucker
The Jesse is a clitoral suction toy made of body-safe silicone and measuring 5.5″ in length. It offers 10 suction modes including 3 constant speeds and 7 patterns. It has a two-button interface, one button that switches the toy on and off and another that scrolls through the patterns.
The Jesse is IPX6 waterproof, AKA splashproof but not submersible.
Overall, this is a pretty good basic clitoral suction toy! It doesn’t have all the bells and whistles of some of the higher end brands, of course, but it’s also a fraction of the price when purchased as part of one of these kits. The nozzle is broad enough to get a good seal around my clit, and the steady power settings are decent. I’m not sure what the point of the little fronds inside the nozzle is; I guess they’re supposed to tickle the clit but on my body at least, they’re nowhere near long enough to make contact with it.
The Jesse isn’t too loud, and its light weight and tapered handle make it comfortable to hold.
Sandy Bullet Vibrator
The Sandy is a small bullet vibrator, measuring just over 3″ in length and made of body-safe ABS plastic. Like the Jesse, it offers 10 modes: 3 speeds and 7 patterns.
There is a one-button interface on the toy, and a separate remote control with an on/off button and a speed change button. If you’re going to include a remote with a toy, I would really expect it to have dual-directional controls, but this is probably something I’m going to be banging on at toy manufacturers about for the rest of my life. The remote’s responsiveness is good, though. The Sandy is also IPX6 water-resistant, though the remote isn’t.
I didn’t expect much from this little bullet, but it really pleasantly surprised me with its intensity! The vibes are a little buzzier than I would really like, but I can’t fault the power of its motor. And, as it is plastic, the vibes can be felt more intensely through the hard casing.
Cali Wand Vibrator
The Cali is a mini wand vibrator measuring 6″ in total length. It provides a total of 20 different vibration settings and 9 speeds to choose from on each setting, with a three-button interface allowing you to switch it on or off, change the speed, or change the setting respectively. It is made of body-safe silicone in Bed Nerdz’ signature shade of coral orange.
This toy, like the others in the box, is IPX6 water-resistant.
Despite being the most fully-featured toy in this set, I ultimately found the Cali wand the most disappointing of the three. Its motor is extremely buzzy, and not strong enough to compensate for the dampening effect of the silicone. I accept that a toy of this size won’t be as powerful as a full-size wand, but there are plenty of decent mini wands and compact wands on the market.
Bed Nerdz Mystery Box: Verdict
Overall, I’m pretty impressed with my Bed Nerdz mystery box, which was super fun to receive, unbox, and test! Besides my perspectives on the individual toys, let’s summarise with some pros and cons of the set and the customer experience as a whole.
Pros:
Gorgeous, thoughtful presentation, ideal for gifting or treating yourself
Good option for those looking to buy their first sex toy and not sure what they’ll enjoy
All toys are body-safe
All toys are rechargeable and come pre-charged
The sex dice are a cute and fun extra
Cons:
Limited catalogue of products currently in the range
Included lube contained non-body-safe ingredients
Some unnecessary gendering on the site – you can just ask about preferred areas of stimulation without categorising toys as “male” or “female”
Who Should Consider Buying an Adult Mystery Box or Toy Kit?
I would have absolutely loved a set like this when I was first starting out exploring with sex toys! It’s a great option if you’re trying toys for the first time, or trying to expand your collection but not sure of what you like. A mystery box is also a sexy gift for a lover or partner, or a fun thing to buy and then explore as a couple.
I’m looking forward to seeing how Bed Nerdz grows, develops, and expands on this concept in the future.
Thanks to Bed Nerdz for sending me this bespoke box to review! All views, as always, are mine. Affiliate links appear in this post.
I was surprised, looking back, to see that I never published a We-Vibe Wand review on here when the first iteration of this toy launched back in 2020. I was sure I had, but apparently not. Anyway, I received the new edition – the Wand 2 – this week, so you’re getting a We-Vibe Wand review at last!
We-Vibe Wand 2: Details
The We-Vibe Wand 2 is a cordless wand vibrator. It measures around 11″ in total length, with a 2.1″ diameter head at its widest point. It is made of soft and body-safe purple silicone, with a curved handle, large head, and flexible neck. The Wand is controllable either manually or through the We-Vibe app. Additional features include a travel lock and WOW Tech’s[1] Smart Silence functionality – more on that in a minute.
The Wand 2 is USB rechargeable, giving around 2 hours of runtime for a 2.5 hour full charge. It is also IPX7 waterproof, meaning you can use it safely in the bath or shower.
[1] We-Vibe’s parent company which also owns brands such as Womanizer, Romp, and Arcwave.
What I Liked About the We-Vibe Wand 2
At risk of spoiler-ing myself before I get to the overall verdict, let’s begin by acknowledging that the We-Vibe Wand 2 is a genuinely fucking excellent vibrator. I’m not usually particularly brand-loyal when it comes to sex toys, but I do make an exception for my wands (#Doxy4Life!) It takes a lot for another wand to make it into my easy-access sex chest. But this one has managed it.
What makes it so great?
Intense, deep, powerful, and rumbly as fuck vibrations. This is one of the rumbliest vibrators I have ever used. Even better, it keeps that rumbliness even on the highest settings. I can’t sing the praises of this toy’s vibrations enough. Whatever motor We-Vibe are using, they have set a new gold standard for cordless toys with this one.
The shape of the head is fantastic. With the broad, rounded sides and pronounced “pleasure edges”, you can switch easily between broad and focused stimulation.
The flexible neck enables easy and comfortable positioning.
The manual controls are simple and comprehensive. You can scroll in either direction through the 10 vibration patterns and 10 intensity levels, setting exactly the combination you prefer and moving between them easily.
If you have the original We-Vibe Wand, the two attachments that came with it will also fit on the Wand 2. Other brands’ wand attachments may also work. For example, though the fit isn’t quite perfect, I’ve found that I can easily use my Godemiche Wand Toppers with the Wand 2.
Feat. wand attachments from We-Vibe Wand original
Connecting to the We-Vibe app (formerly WeConnect) is quick and straightforward. If it’s been a while since you downloaded the We-Vibe app, you might need to update it or download the newest version for it to pick up the Wand 2, but that’s also fast and free.
The app offers various possibilities, such as controlling the toy from your phone, switching between your favourite settings instantly, or creating “playlists” of various settings in a particular order. You can also use Ambient Mode to vibe along to ambient noise (in my experience it has to be pretty loud for this to really work) or Beat Mode to connect your toy to music stored on your device (not compatible with music from streaming apps.) And, of course, you can hand over control to a partner from anywhere in the world as long as they have an internet connection.
The app’s responsiveness is reliable and instant.
The app is a nice-to-have rather an an essential. As someone who rarely uses sex toy apps in real-world contexts outside of reviewing, I much prefer the toys to speak for themselves and the apps to be optional extras. This toy achieves that aim.
The Smart Silence function is one of my favourite ever WOW Tech inventions. This means that the toy is equipped with a sensor and will start vibrating when it is in contact with your body, then stop automatically when you take it away. This is ideal for people who require discretion, and also for people who prefer a seamless stop-and-start experience. Smart Silence is on by default, but you can also switch it off if you find you don’t like it.
Though not exactly “whisper quiet” (stop claiming this, toy companies, it’s almost never true!), the We-Vibe Wand 2’s sound level is reasonably unobtrusive particularly for its level of power.
Great value. To be clear, the We-Vibe Wand 2 isn’t a cheap toy. But for what you get, the price of £129.99 in the UK/$149 in the US is very reasonable.
Anything I Didn’t Like?
Because no product is perfect, the We-Vibe Wand 2 does have some minor downsides too.
Unlike the original We-Vibe Wand, the Wand 2 does not come with any attachments included. This wasn’t really an issue for me personally because, as mentioned above, it will work with the attachments I still have from my original Wand as well as other attachments in my collection. However, that won’t be true for people who didn’t own the We-Vibe Wand original or who don’t already have a collection of attachments.
The app’s “Touch Mode”, as I’ve identified in previous reviews, is pretty useless. The vibrations will turn on in response to touches, but whatever I do I cannot get the intensity to change.
It’s pretty heavy.
A lot of the vibrations transfer through the handle, particularly on the higher settings. This can be a problem for people who suffer with hand pain or discomfort.
We-Vibe Wand Review: Verdict
This is an absolutely amazing toy.
With the exception of the lack of attachments, this iteration is an improvement in virtually every way on the original We-Vibe Wand. It has better app connectivity and responsiveness, more comprehensive manual controls, and a better head design. Most importantly, it has one of the best – if not the best – motors I’ve ever encountered in a cordless toy.
Thanks to Lovehoney for enabling this We-Vibe Wand review by sending me the Wand 2 to try. All views are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.
It’s that time of year again when I do a day-by-day unboxing of the Lovehoney Advent Calendar for couples! Lovehoney UK is offering three advent calendars this year: a 12-day version and a 24-day version in partnership with Womanizer, as well as the Amorana Deluxe 24-day calendar which contains over £1100 worth of products. In the US, the 24-day version is the only one currently available.
I received the Lovehoney x Womanizer 24-day advent calendar. Straight away, I will say that I like the presentation of this Lovehoney advent calendar much more than previousiterations. The products are packaged in little individually labelled cardboard boxes in festive red and gold, rather than the tear-off doors that start to look a little scruffy when you’re a few days in. There’s also no plastic inner tray, cutting down on single-use plastic to make the whole thing more eco-friendly.
For the next 24 days, I’ll open one door each day and tell you a little about the item inside in a mini review with product info, pros and cons.
Without further ado, let’s dive into Day 1, shall we?
Day #1: Rechargeable Bullet Vibrator
Like previous iterations of the Lovehoney Advent Calendar, this one begins with a rechargeable bullet vibrator. This time, it’s a pretty rose gold colour with black button and Lovehoney insignia.
Light and compact – ideal for sliding between bodies during partnered sex or throwing into your bag for a sexy date
Surprisingly decent level of power for its size and price-point, and the hard plastic transmits the vibrations well
Versatile – designed for clits but great for penises, balls, nipples, and all kinds of other erogenous zones too (don’t use it anally, though, as it doesn’t have a suitable base)
Cons
Unlike many Lovehoney toys, it does not arrive with any charge so you’ll need to plug it in before you use it. This can ruin the mood if you’re aiming for an “unbox and use straight away” vibe.
A little more buzzy than I would prefer
Single button interface is kind of annoying when there are so many settings
Verdict
Once again, a solid basic bullet vibrator to kick things off. I would prefer it to be a bit more rumbly, but for the size and price-point it’s decent.
Day #2: Lube and Toy Wipes
Door #2 contains two items: a 60ml tube of Womanizer water-based lubricant and a packet of 10 Lovehoney toy cleaning wipes.
Pros
The biodegradable wipes are eco-friendly
The handy travel sizes are ideal for taking with you on a date or weekend away
Both products are compatible with all toy materials including silicone
The lube has a nice, fairly thin and runny consistency that flows and spreads well
The lube is virtually scent-free and flavourless
Cons
The lube contains glycerin as the second ingredient. Experts believe that glycerin can damage the vagina’s mucus membranes and raise the osmolality of a lube, increasing the risk of irritation or even infection. Claims that glycerin contributes to yeast infections are somewhat controversial and hotly debated. However, experts at Stanford OB/GYN and the Cleveland Clinic believe there is a risk. Personally, I avoid glycerin-containing lubes for the sake of my vaginal health. They also tend to have an unpleasant sticky or tacky feeling after a while.
The toy wipes will clean your toy and should not be taken as a substitute for properly sterilizing it, especially if you are sharing it with a partner or partners.
Verdict
I like this combination of two miniature products together, but I would like to see the lube swapped out with one that doesn’t contain glycerin.
Day #3: Silicone Textured Dildo
Today’s box revealed a bright red silicone dildo with a curved shaft, gentle rippling texture on the underside, and slightly pronounced head. It also has a suction cup base and a hollow space where you can insert the bullet vibrator from Day 1.
Product Info
Material: Silicone
Colour: Scarlet red
Body safe? Yes, silicone is body-safe and non-porous
Waterproof: Yes, there is no motor and the material is non-porous so you can safely use this toy in water
Size: 6″ length, 1.2″ diameter at widest point
Speeds/patterns: N/A
Lube-compatible: Water-based lube is best
Cleaning: Sterile wipe, warm water and antibacterial soap, or boiling
Lovely curve, ideal for targeted G-spot or prostate stimulation
Large base makes the toy anal safe
Works with or without the bullet vibe from Day 1 (or any suitably sized bullet in your collection)
Texturing adds additional internal stimulation
Cons
Bullet vibe has a tendency to get stuck and be hard to remove (pro tip: lube it first!)
Base is too small for the toy to be harness-compatible
Verdict
A great basic textured dildo! These kits are really aimed at people who are newer to toys/sexual exploration, and this item’s thoughtful design and small-ish size make it ideal for a first dildo. I would like to see a slightly larger base to make it harness-compatible, though.
Day #4: TPE Penis Stroker
Day 4’s box contains a TPE penis stroker, complete with a slot along the side to add the bullet vibrator from Day 1 (or any other bullet in your collection) if you want to.
Body safe? Ish. TPE is generally non-toxic but it is porous, which means it will harbour bacteria and cannot be fully sterilised. Don’t share it and don’t expect it to last forever. I recommend upgrading to a silicone stroker when you can.
Waterproof: Yes, you can use this toy in water safely, though it may damage the material more quickly.
Size: 4″ length but stretchy
Speeds/patterns: N/A
Lube-compatible: Water-based lube is best
Cleaning: Warm water and antibacterial soap. Dusting the toy with a little cornstarch after cleaning and drying may help to extend its life.
A decent introduction to strokers if you’ve never used one before
Ability to use with the bullet vibrator from Day 1, transforming it into a vibrating stroker
Very stretchy to accommodate most penis sizes
Nice internal texturing that hugs and stimulates the entire shaft of your penis
Cons
Weird powdery texture that feels horrible on my hands
Material cannot be fully sterilised
Unlikely to last long
Verdict
It’s fine for what it is, but I would much prefer it were made of a non-porous material like silicone. Again: if you like the sensation, upgrade to a silicone stroker for a toy that will last you a lifetime and be far more hygienic.
Day #5: Kink Blindfold
Sensory deprivation can be a lot of fun to play with. By taking away one or more of the senses (such as sight) you heighten the others (such as touch). It can also be a great way to enhance anticipation, play with power and control, or otherwise explore whatever aspects of kink and BDSM appeal to you.
Today’s advent calendar box contains a kink blindfold. Made of polyester and with a pretty black and rose gold pattern, this blindfold measures 7″ across and 2.5″ top to bottom. A similar item retails for £7.99 if bought separately.
Pros
Stretchy elastic means the blindfold will fit most users
Plushy padded backing is comfortable to wear
Pretty black and rose gold design
Doubles as a sleep mask (I have several of these now and as a seasoned kinkster I rarely use them for BDSM as I have better blindfolds, but I always take one with me when I travel to help me sleep)
Cons
Not quite big enough – it blocks most of the light effectively but I can still see around the edges a bit if I keep my eyes open
Cheap fabric is starting to pull at the edges and look less attractive after just a few wears
I’m not sure how well it would survive washing
Verdict
A perfectly serviceable basic blindfold if you just want to play but aren’t looking for complete sight deprivation. It would be better if it was slightly wider. If you enjoy playing with this, then it’s easy to upgrade to a better kink blindfold that will last you longer and block more of your vision.
Day #6: Crystal Butt Plug
Box #6 contains an aluminium metal butt plug with a sparkly red crystal-look base.
Product Info
Material: Aluminium
Colour: Rose gold body with a red gem base
Body safe? Generally yes; aluminium is a non-toxic and non-porous metal that is safe for use in sex toys. However, some aluminium can contain traces of nickel so I’d be very cautious if you are allergic.
Waterproof: Yes, you can use this toy in water with no issues.
Size: 3″ in total length, 1.1″ in diameter at widest insertable point
Cleaning: Sterile wipe, 10% bleach solution, or warm water and antibacterial soap. I wouldn’t boil this one or put it in the dishwasher as it might damage the glue holding the gem in place.
RRP if bought as a single item:This similar toy retails for £22.99
Pros
Surprisingly light – aluminium is a lot lighter than stainless steel, making it a more accessible entry point for metal toys
The rose gold body and red crystal colour scheme is really pretty
Great for temperature play – just pop it in the fridge or run it under some warm (not hot) water right before use
Small size likely to make it suitable for more users
Cons
In general, I think a metal anal toy in a set aimed at beginners is a bold choice. I might have gone for silicone instead.
The firm rounded base might dig in after you’ve been wearing it for a while and could be uncomfortable
Verdict
A nice little metal plug; personally I would have gone for silicone if I were designing this kit, but as entry-level metal anal toys go this is a decent one. The pretty colour and sparkly crystal make it super cute, too.
Day #7: Vanilla Massage Oil
Day 7’s box contains a 30ml bottle of Lovehoney’s vanilla massage oil. Massage can be a great precursor to sex, a way to connect intimately and show love and affection to a partner without getting your genitals involved, or a form of aftercare. For those in kinky dynamics, it can also be a fun form of service!
Product Info
This vanilla massage oil contains just four ingredients:
Ethylhexyl palmite: A common and safe emollient and carrying agent which can soften and smooth the skin.
Caprylic/capric triglyceride: Derived from coconut oil and glycerine, this antioxidant also smooths the skin and helps to bind other ingredients. It is safe for topical use unless you have a coconut oil allergy.
Isopropyl myristate: An emollient with low viscosity which softens, smooths, and moisturises the skin and is safe and beneficial for most users. It may cause skin irritation in a small minority of people, usually those with existing skin conditions.
Parfum (aroma): This is a weird one. “Parfum” isn’t actually an ingredient but a concoction that could contain any of over 3000 ingredients designed to make a product smell good. Some people recommend avoiding products with this mystery mix, others say it’s probably fine as long as you don’t have an allergy or sensitivity. Personally I don’t worry about it too much for products for occasional topical use (such as massage oils), but your risk tolerance may vary.
This oil is also sold separately under Lovehoney’s Fifty Shades of Grey branded products and retails for £11.99 for 30ml.
Pros
Nice vanilla smell, distinctive but not overpowering or too “chemically”
Glides on smoothly and has a pleasant skin feel
Cons
Dries out quickly and doesn’t last particularly well, meaning you might need to reapply it regularly
May be unsuitable for those with fragrance sensitivities or certain skin allergies
Leaves a slight oily feeling on my hands after use
Verdict
Not my favourite massage oil, but it’s fine. I wouldn’t likely buy this again as there are other massage products I like a lot more.
Day #8: Wrist Restraints
Today’s box contains a pair of velcro-shut wrist cuffs with plastic hardware. The cuffs are black, and the hardware is rose gold, matching various other items in this set. I’ll say this for Lovehoney and Womanizer, they have their aesthetic cohesion down.
Pros
I will say straight away that these are a huge step up from the 2021 calendar’s “wrist restraints” (glorified ribbons and frankly pretty dangerous) and from 2022’s uncomfortable rough cuffs. These ones are made of a soft material that feels nice against the skin.
Other pros include:
Velcro fastenings come undone in seconds, enhancing safety and making them beginner-friendly
Very adjustable so will fit just about anyone
Attached clips allow you to cuff someone’s hands together or clip them to something else
Cons
Clips are tiny, so what you can fasten them to is pretty limited
Not particularly strong – the hardware feels like it would break if you pulled against them too hard
When you fasten them tighter, there’s nowhere for the spare velcro to be tucked so it just sort of… dangles
Verdict
You might be sending a theme in my overall impression of this kit: these cuffs aren’t amazing, but they’re fine. If you want to play with light bedroom bondage or try out getting restrained for the first time, they’re ideal. If you’re looking for something a bit more heavy-duty, though, you’ll probably want to upgrade to leather cuffs (or vegan equivalent) or go to a dedicated kink gear maker.
Day #9: We-Vibe Sync Lite
The We-Vibe Sync Light is a wearable vibrator designed to be inserted into the vagina during penetrative sex, with an external arm that provides clitoral stimulation. Of course, as always, there are lots of different ways to use toys and the suggested way is just one of them!
Product Info
Material: Silicone
Colour: Black
Body safe? Yes
Waterproof: No – toy is IPX-4 splashproof but should not be submerged
Middling power vibrations – they’re not knock-your-socks-off, but they’re decent
Flexible middle between the two arms allows you to position the toy in whatever way is most comfortable for your body
App controls! I did not expect to find an app-controlled toy in this kit but I am very pleasantly surprised. We-Vibe’s app is free from the Android or iOS stores and allows you to connect at close range or remotely from anywhere in the world.
Cons
No remote control, which is a downside if you don’t want to use the app
Single button interface on the body of the toy is kind of annoying
Not waterproof
In my experience, these toys don’t generally stay in place well during partnered sex without someone holding them in position
Verdict
This is a really impressive addition to the kit! These types of toys are normally seriously pricey, so this is a great introduction for those who are curious about trying one. The app controls are also a really nice extra, particularly for couples who want to connect sexually over long distance.
Day #10: Silicone Cock Ring
Today’s item is a basic silicone thick cock ring. Cock rings are worn around the base of the penis, restricting blood flow outwards to help the wearer maintain a stronger erection for longer. Some also say they heighten sensation and intensify orgasm.
According to Healthline, cock rings are safe for the vast majority of wearers as long as you listen to your body, wear a ring of a suitable size, and follow some basic precautions, such as using lube and not leaving the ring on for more than 30 minutes at a time.
Product Info
Material: Silicone
Colour: Black
Body safe? Yes – silicone is non-porous and non-toxic.
Waterproof: Yes, this toy is non-porous and has no motor so can safely be used in water
Size: 1.5″ diameter but stretchy
Speeds/patterns: N/A
Lube-compatible: Water-based lube is best
Cleaning: Boiling, a 10% bleach solution, a sterile wipe, or warm water and antibacterial soap
May be uncomfortably tight on those with very girthy penises
Verdict
Not much more to say on this one – a great basic cock ring that is also body-safe and should be durable and long-lasting.
Day #11: Spanking Paddle
Today’s item is a mini spanking paddle with a pretty black and rose gold design matching other items in the kit. It’s made of silky satin on one side and faux leather on the other, and has a ribbon wrist loop. It measures 9″ in total length.
Very safe as an intro toy for impact play beginners – you’re very unlikely to do anyone real damage with this
Slightly different sensation from each of the two sides (the leather side is a little more stingy)
Impressive slappy noise which is hot to some people
Cons
Unlikely to satisfy anyone who enjoys more than very mild pain
Loud noise may be problematic if you have to keep your play discreet
Not particularly robust, will probably fall apart after a bit
Verdict
This is a perfectly okay spanking paddle for total beginners. It’s gentle enough to be safe and non-threatening, and might be a decent way to figure out if impact play is something you enjoy. It’s unlikely to satisfy serious BDSM enthusiasts but honestly, serious BDSM enthusiasts aren’t the target market for this kit anyway.
Today it’s literally the card game “Snap” but as a sex position card game. Is the idea that you play the game and then when you get a “snap”, you have to have sex in that position? Because YKINMKBYKIOK and all, but that doesn’t sound sexy to me.
Also, they should really rename this as “Sex Position Card Game For Very Athletic Straight People.” Because seriously, look at them. They all assume, to a greater or lesser extent, a cisgender man and woman having penetrative vaginal sex. Some of them are fine, if fairly generic. Some are potentially doable, if you’re very fit, like “The Wheelbarrow”:
Others are… well, this:
Stop it, Lovehoney. You’re being silly now.
Pros
Potentially a fun, goofy and low-pressure way into exploring new positions, I guess?
Calls to mind this scene from The Bold Type in which our three bestie protagonists test out a new sex position for Scarlet Magazine.
Some of these, at least, could potentially work for strap-on sex or anal sex (at least if you made some minor adjustments) as well as vaginal sex.
Cons
A lot of these are just fairly standard positions that most people who have penetrative sex likely already have in their repertoire.
The others are, as we have identified above, anything from “improbable if you’re not an athlete” to “physically im-fucking-possible.”
Extremely cishetero and gendered
Verdict
You might get a little inspiration from this, or at the very least you’ll have a laugh trying out some of the more challenging positions. Overall, though, I don’t know why we’re still pretending that contorting yourself into all kinds of weird shapes is superior to or hotter than good old missionary, doggy style, or over-the-edge-of-the-bed fucking.
Day #13: G-Spot/P-Spot Massager
Today’s product is a G-Spot/P-Spot Massager. In other words, a penetrative toy that can be used to stimulate either the G-spot or the prostate. It has an optional slot to insert a bullet vibrator such as the one from Day 1.
Product Info
Material: Silicone
Colour: Black
Body safe? Yes
Waterproof: Yes (though if you’re using a vibrator with it, make sure that’s waterproof too!)
Size: 4″ insertable length, 1.4″ diameter at widest point
Cleaning: A body-safe sterile wipe, boiling, or gentle antibacterial soap and water
RRP if bought as a single item: N/A – not available
Pros
Suitable and safe for both vaginal and anal use
Can be used with or without a vibrator
Very flexible, which can help with insertion and comfortable positioning
Bulbed head for precision stimulation of the G-spot or prostate
Narrow neck allows it to sit comfortably once inserted
Beginner-friendly size
Cons
None that I can see!
Verdict
This is a lovely item and a great inclusion in the kit. It’s good to see items that are suitable for people regardless of their body or genital type, the shape and curve are excellent, and the size isn’t too intimidating for those who are new to anal play.
Day #14: Menthol Pleasure Balm
Today’s item is a 7g tin of Lovehoney’s menthol pleasure balm. This item isn’t sold separately in this form but it’s pretty similar to the Bliss Orgasm Balm, which I love and use regularly.
Product Info
In a nutshell, pleasure balm or orgasm balm is designed to be applied to the external genitals, especially the clitoris. The ingredients provide a tingling sensation and may encourage blood flow, promoting greater sensitivity.
The Menthol Pleasure Balm contains a pretty long list of ingredients, but most of them give me no cause for concern. It does contain propylparaben, and some people like to avoid parabens entirely for understandable reasons. However, according to a report by the Scientific Committee on Consumer Safety, “the SCCS has concluded that propylparaben is safe when used as a preservative in cosmetic products up to a maximum concentration of 0.14%.” I’m not a scientist, of course, but I would conclude from this data that the tiny amount in this product is unlikely to do you any harm.
Unfortunately this balm contains beeswax, so it is not vegan.
Pros
7g doesn’t sound like a very big tin, but you really don’t need a lot to get the effects so you’ll get a good few uses out of this
Genuinely works! I have had several tins of this stuff over the years and I love it. It really does enhance sensitivity (it’s not a magic orgasm spell, though, so keep your expectations realistic!)
Some of the plant-based oils and other ingredients may have beneficial properties for skin
Cons
Not vegan due to beeswax
Oily consistency can make clean-up a bit annoying
Strong minty scent may be unpleasant to some people
Verdict
I still really like this stuff, though I think personally I’ll be sticking to the vegan, paraben-free version.
Day #15: Plastic Massager
Today’s item is a handheld plastic massager. It’s red and sparkly, and has a central handle and then four arms each with a spherical bulb on the end to get deep into all those muscles and knots. On its own, this item retails for £5.99.
Pros
Light weight and ergonomic design make it comfortable to hold and use
Great way to give a deeper massage, especially if your hands or wrists get tired or sore
Flexible options – use one, two, or all four ends at once for different sensations
Really good for getting properly into sore muscles!
Basically zero maintenance – just wash off excess massage oil after use and you’re good to go
Cons
Because it’s hard plastic, you need to be a little bit careful – you could possibly hurt someone if you press too hard. We’re not talking “serious injury” here, but maybe “nasty bruise.”
Verdict
I really like this one. And it’s sparkly, which never hurts my opinion of a product!
Day #16: Micro Wand Vibrator
Today’s product is a micro wand vibrator. Look how tiny it is!
Product Info
Material: Plastic body. I thought the head material was probably silicone but wasn’t 100% sure, so I flame-tested it and based on what I know about deciphering flame test results I think I’m correct
Colour: Black
Body safe? Yes, assuming it is indeed silicone
Waterproof: No
Size: 4.5″ in total length
Speeds/patterns: 3 speeds, 7 patterns
Lube-compatible: Water-based lube is best
Cleaning: Wipe the head with a body-safe sterile wipe (do not submerge this toy in water)
Easy user interface and satisfyingly clicky buttons
Cons
Requires batteries, which are not included (2 x AAA)
Not waterproof
Vibrations not particularly powerful
Buzzy as fuck
Verdict
I think people see “wand vibrator” and assume that it’s going to be powerful. But this isn’t a wand in any meaningful sense. This is a wand. This tiny little thing, though, is just a crappy vibrator with a weak and buzzy motor designed to look like a micro version of a wand.
I already have something very similar from a previous calendar, and it’s often within reach because it does wonders for my sore neck when I’ve been sitting at the computer for too long. Partners have also really enjoyed having it used on them.
Day #17: Dice Sex Game
Today’s box contains a simple dice sex game. One dice includes pictures of items from the calendar (stroker, bullet vibe, paddle, mini wand, dildo, and massager). The other contains timeframes ranging from 1 minute to 15 minutes, plus a “free” option.
Pros
Can be a fun, low-pressure way into exploring with a partner if you are new and nervous about using toys or experimenting sexually
You can use the dice in different ways. I’m immediately thinking of a game where you roll the “implement” die three times and then have to come up with a quick scene that incorporates all three elements.
Cons
Things can end up feeling unbalanced if you follow the game too rigidly. If one person gets 15 minutes of something then the other rolls one minute, it’s probably not going to feel very mutual. Of course, you can get around this by creating “house rules” or just ensuring everyone gets roughly equal time (or whatever they want/need) even if you’re switching between different activities.
Verdict
Not really my thing, but perfectly fine for its intended audience.
Day #18: Ankle Restraints
Remember those velcro-fastening wrist cuffs from Day 8? Well, today’s box containd the matching set of ankle restraints. These, too, are black with rose gold hardware and come with a clip to fasten them together.
Pros
Like the wrist cuffs, they’re a huge step up from the rough nylon cuffs and those unsafe ribbon things from previous years
Soft and comfy to wear
Safe and beginner-friendly as you can unfasten them in a second
Very adjustable sizing
Cons
The clips are tiny and not very strong
Annoying dangling velcro strap when they’re on
Mostly, I’m just annoyed that these were a separate item. All four cuffs should have been in the same box as they’re clearly a set.
Verdict
Exactly like the other half of this matching set (sensing a pattern here?) these are far from amazing, but they’re fine. They do the job if all you want to do is experiment with light bondage. If you find you enjoy it, you can always splash out on some properly made kink ankle cuffs later on.
Day #19: Kegel Balls
Day 19’s box contains a set of kegel balls, AKA ben-wa balls. Kegel balls are interesting, because there are a lot of lofty claims out there about them. They’ll solve incontinence! They’ll make your orgasms better! They might even make it easier to orgasm if you struggle!
Is any of this true?
Eh. Maybe. Check out my past posts on kegel balls and kegel exercisers, especially this one, to learn more about what the current research does and does not say.
In this post I will be approaching kegel balls solely as a sex toy designed for pleasure, not as any sort of health or wellness device.
Product Info
Material: Silicone
Colour: Red balls with black casing
Body safe? Yes
Waterproof: Yes
Size: 3″ insertable length, 3.5″ tail, 1.1″ diameter across each ball
Speeds/patterns: N/A
Lube-compatible: Water-based lube is best
Cleaning: Boiling is best as this will kill all bacteria even in hard-to-reach places
RRP if bought as a single item:This similar set retails for £12.99
Pros
Small enough for beginners
Long and strong silicone cord for easy removal
Removeable sling makes cleaning easy
Cons
None that I can find – these are great.
Verdict
An ideal introduction to kegel balls for anyone who has never tried them before.
Day #20: Rabbit Cock Ring
Day 20’s box contains a silicone cock ring with rabbit ears. This can be used with the bullet vibrator from Day 1, or on its own. When combined with the bullet vibrator, the ears can provide clitoral stimulation to the receptive partner during penetrative sex as well as stimulating the wearer. On its own, it still gives you all the benefits of using a cock ring.
Product Info
Material: Silicone
Colour: Black
Body safe? Yes
Waterproof: Yes
Size: 1.5″ ring diameter, 1″ ears
Speeds/patterns: N/A
Lube-compatible: Water-based lube
Cleaning: Boiling, soap and water, or a 10% bleach solution
RRP if bought as a single item: Not available but this similar item retails for £24.99
Pros
Versatile toy suitable for use during masturbation or partnered sex, and with or without a vibrator
Adds clitoral stimulation, which a large majority of vulva-owners need to orgasm and which is not always forthcoming during p-in-v sex
Wide band for comfortable fit
Stretchy to accommodate different sizes
Cons
May not fit people with very girthy penises comfortably
Verdict
Realistically, this toy is not something I’m likely to use. My experience has been that vibrating cock rings during penetrative sex don’t tend to do much for me as the stimulation they provide isn’t consistent enough. But everyone’s different and it’s a perfectly fine item, just not really for me.
Day #21: Beginner Nipple Clamps
Day 21’s box contains a pair of nipple clamps. They’re made of rose gold plastic, with a little decorative lightning bolt charm and red silicone tips. The slider design allows you to loosen or tighten them as desired.
They’re cute; I like the colour and the lightning charm is a fun touch
Easy to put on and take off quickly
Adjustable to fit different nipple sizes and tightness preferences
Very gentle, which makes them suitable beginner nipple clamps
Cons
That beginner-friendly gentleness means they’re unlikely to be enough for wearers who prefer any significant pressure or intensity
Won’t fit people with larger nipples
The slider starts to rub off the coloured plating after a few uses
They don’t stay on particularly well and fall off at the slightest tug
Verdict
These are fine if you’re just after a pair of purely decorative nipple clamps or want to try something very gentle for your first time. However, they’re neither particularly functional nor particularly durable for anything more than that. If you like them or want to experiment more with nipple clamps, get a more robust pair of adjustable clamps or try clover clamps.
Day #22: Finger Vibe Sleeve
Box 22 contains a finger vibe sleeve. There’s a space to insert a bullet vibrator (such as the bullet vibe from Day 1, or any other bullet in your collection that fits) and a loop for your finger.
Product Info
Material: Silicone
Colour: Red
Body safe? Yes
Waterproof: Yes (but the bullet vibrator you use with it may or may not be, so check first!)
Size: 2.5″ long sleeve for bullet, 0.5″ diameter finger loop
Speeds/patterns: N/A
Lube-compatible: Water-based lube
Cleaning: Boiling, soap and water, or a 10% bleach solution
Pairs with the bullet vibrator from Day 1, allowing yet another way to use it
Offers a fun new way to explore fingering and hand sex, which I believe are wildly underrated sex acts and should be explored far more
Gentle texturing on the underside offers additional clitoral stimulation
Can reduce the physical effort of the giving partner during hand sex, which is useful if you suffer from pain or fatigue in your hands
Cons
The finger loop is tiny! It was snug on me, and I have small hands. Someone with larger hands doesn’t stand a chance using this
If your bullet vibrator isn’t super powerful, the silicone dampens the vibrations
Texturing could do with being a bit more pronounced
Verdict
This is a really nice addition to the kit at least in theory. However, it feels to me like the design was a bit rushed and basic things – is the finger loop large/stretchy enough to be comfortable, is the texturing pronounced enough to be felt by most users? – were missed.
Day #23: Under-Mattress Restraints
Today’s item is a set of under-mattress restraints with clips to attach cuffs at each corner. These four-way restraints are designed to fit under your mattress, which then anchors them in place. Use in conjunction with the wrist cuffs from Day 8 and the ankle cuffs from Day 18 for a full set of restraints.
Adjustable to use with all bed sizes, including my fabulous super-king
Great way to try bedroom bondage if you want to tie someone to the bed but don’t have a metal bed frame or other suitable hard points.
Easy to tuck them out of sight quickly if you need to without dismantling the whole set-up
Strong and sturdy material
Safe and easy introduction to bondage
Pairs with the cuffs in this set or, if you prefer, you can upgrade to better cuffs and continue using the restraint kit
Cons
I feel like the under-mattress restraints and pairs of cuffs should have been ONE item in the advent calendar, not three. Otherwise, no complaints.
Verdict
Overall, this is a great addition for the second-last day of the advent kit. I’m also pleasantly surprised to learn they will work with my giant bad, having assumed they wouldn’t. For people who are brand new to playing with bondage and restraint, they’re a safe and accessible place to start.
Day #24: Womanizer Liberty 2
Day 24’s box contains the second of this kit’s two premium products (the first being the We-Vibe Sync Lite from Day 9!) Namely, the Womanizer Liberty 2, a petite clitoral suction stimulator in a neat little travel case.
Product Info
Material: Plastic body and case, silicone nozzle
Colour: Black
Body safe? Yes
Waterproof: Yes, IPX 7 waterproof
Size: 4.5″ total length
Speeds/patterns: 8 intensity levels
Lube-compatible: Water-based lube
Cleaning: Soap and water or a 10% bleach solution, or remove the nozzle and boil-sterilise the nozzle only
Petite size makes it light and comfortable to hold
Removeable nozzle is easy to clean
Quieter than comparable models at the highest speeds
Two-way controls
5 year warranty should anything go wrong
Cons
Buttons are not always as responsive as they could be – sometimes I have to press twice to get the speed to change
Verdict
Yes yes yes yes. This is an excellent product and a great note to finish on! Honestly, as long as you like at least a few of the other things at least somewhat, this toy kinda makes the value of the entire kit.
Phew. And we’re done! Will I do this again next year? Probably! Until then, I’ll return you to the regular C&K content you know and love.
The Lovehoney Advent Calendar 2024 (24 Day) retails for £149 at Lovehoney UK and $199 at Lovehoney US, and contains £457/$530 worth of products! Move fast if you want one – these usually sell out by mid November.Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the this set to review. All views are mine (with occasional input from Mr C&K!) Affiliate links appear in this post.
The One is a new brand of sex toys exclusively stocked in the UK at sextoys.co.uk. (Readers elsewhere in the world can find the products in a number of stockists including Babeland and Good Vibes!) I received a few items from the collection to try out, so I’m going to be telling you all about them over the next few weeks. First up: The One Wand.
What is The One Wand?
The One Wand is a cordless wand vibrator measuring 9″ in total length. The head measures 1.7″ across at the widest point, and the neck is flexible. It is made of body-safe silicone and is waterproof, though the specific IPX rating is not listed.
The One Wand is rechargeable, with a battery life of around 90 minutes for a two hour charging time.
I really like cordless wand vibrators; they’re a more versatile alternative to their mains-powered counterparts. You do usually lose at least a bit of power in exchange for not having to plug them in, but that can be a worthwhile trade-off in some cases.
Let’s see how this one stacked up, shall we?
The One Wand: Pros
Before (spoiler alert) I start complaining about this toy’s complete inability to make me cum, let’s look at the good things I can say about it!
The silicone is soft, smooth, and a really pretty shade of purple.
The motor is located in the head. This means that the vibrations are strongest in the part of the toy that will actually go on your body. It also means that the transmission of vibrations through the handle is minimal.
It’s actually quiet. So many toys claim to be quiet, but this one genuinely is.
The curved handle is comfortable to hold and fits naturally into my hand.
When I hold the toy in the most natural position to press it against my vulva, the buttons are perfectly located to reach and push them with no additional effort.
It has a three-button interface, allowing you to scroll through the settings (3 speeds and 7 patterns) both ways. The third button, in the middle, is the on/off switch.
The One Wand: Cons
The marketing copy describes this as “the One – and only – Wand you will ever need.” Which is a cute play on the toy’s and the brand’s name, but also… wildly untrue. When I look for a vibrator, the very first thing I look for is “will it get me off?” This one, sadly, falls at the first hurdle.
The One Wand’s motor leaves a lot to be desired. The vibrations are weak, even on the highest setting, and so buzzy that my clit starts going numb after less than a minute. I quickly realised that there was absolutely no way The One Wand was ever going to give me an orgasm. I pushed through and persevered, but it just isn’t going to happen.
The neck is also really too flexible. This means it is hard to get any significant pressure (an even bigger downside when the vibrations are so lacklustre.)
Verdict
Unfortunately I was extremely underwhelmed by this one. If you like low-level and buzzy vibrations, sure, you might get on okay with this. But if you like any significant level of power or rumbles, don’t bother. This isn’t the worst wand vibe I’ve ever tried, but it’s close.
Thanks to Sex Toys UK for sending me this product to review. All views, as always, are mine. Affiliate links appear in this post and using them supports my work at no additional cost to you.
Anyone who has read my work for any length of time will know about my obsession with both wand vibrators and things with interesting textures. So combining the two? Yes, hello, I’m listening! Godemiche, purveyors of all kinds of colourful silicone goodness, have recently added wand attachments to their product roster and I received a set of them to try.
What Are Wand Attachments and Why Use Them?
Wand attachments are removeable covers that fit over the head of a wand vibrator. They are usually made of a soft and flexible material such as silicone or TPE.
Attachments are a fantastic addition to wand vibrators, allowing you to explore different sensations and ways of using your wand. For example, an attachment can turn your wand into a rabbit, penis masturbator, or G-spot vibe, concentrate the vibrations into a smaller area, or add texture.
They can also lower the intensity of a wand for those who find the strong vibrations to be too much. And, if you’re sharing your toy with a partner, swapping out toppers between users is a quick and easy way to minimise your risk of STI transmission without having to pause to sterilise the toy itself.
Godemiche Wand Attachments: 2 Sizes, 3 Textures
Godemiche’s wand attachments are currently available in two sizes. One is designed to fit the Doxy (Original or Die Cast), and the other to fit the Vibratex/Hitachi Magic Wand. Though you probably could use them with some otherwandbrands, they are only officially recommended for the Doxy or Hitachi and therefore you risk damaging the toppers if you use them outside of these recommendations.
These attachments are made of body-safe silicone and available in a dizzying array of colours. You can choose your own or ask the company to surprise you. Since they are silicone and non-powered, you can clean them with warm water and antibacterial soap and sterilise them with a body-safe medical wipe or by boiling.
Godemiche’s wand attachments currently come in three textures: Waves, Ridges, and Bubbles. I received all three to try out. I also received a prototype of a fourth texture somewhat between the “Bumps” and “Pills” textures that are available on other Godemiche products, but I haven’t reviewed that one here since it is not out on general sale yet.
Waves
I was the most excited about this one because the Waves is one of my all–timefavourite textures from Godemiche’s increasingly extensive range of grinding toys.
I’ve always found this one works best with a firm surface underneath because I want to grind against it hard. So putting it on a wand topper is genius because it allows you to apply as much pressure as you like and move it in different motions. A back-and-forth motion with the vibrator on a low or medium setting feels like having dozens of little tongues flicking over your clit.
Get this one if… you’re looking for continual clitoral stimulation that’s soft and flexible, yet still moderately intense.
Ridges
This one is best suited to those who prefer more intense stimulation. It feels a bit like the Waves, only “more” – the ridges are firmer and have less give to them, but you still get that continuous back-and-forth stimulation.
I absolutely adore this one, particularly in combination with the vibrations. I’ve also found that this one works really well if I put the vibrator down on a surface (such as the bed, a sex pillow, or a wand mount) and then grind against it.
Get this one if… you prefer a more intense rubbing sensation, or have enjoyed the Waves texture but wished it was a little firmer.
Bubbles
I don’t reach for my BubblesGrind Rings that often because they’re slightly too gentle for me. When I want texture, I generally want a little more than this subtle design can provide. It’s fine for a warm-up or when I’m already feeling very sensitive, but by itself it doesn’t do a huge amount for me.
With that said, this will work really well for some people and might be a good choice for those who are trying textured wand toppers for the first time.
Get this one if… you prefer a gentler sensation or find too much extreme texture overwhelming or uncomfortable.
Verdict
Obsessed. Ob. Sessed.
A way to make my beloved Doxy even better? Fuck yes. I adore these things and will be yelling about them to every wand vibrator fan I know.
Godemiche wand attachments retail for £39.99 for a surprise colourway, £47.99 for a single colour of your choice, and £53.99 for a dual colourway of your choice.
Thanks to Godemiche for providing me with these products to review. All opinions are, as always, mine. Affiliate links appear in this post!
It’s no secret that I love wand vibrators. I don’t even know how many I own at this point – it must be at least a dozen, possibly closer to 20. Yet, whenever I get offered the chance to review one, I jump at it. They’re a classic for a reason, after all, and have stood the test of time ever since Betty Dodson taught women how to masturbate with the Hitachi Magic Wand in the living room of her New York apartment back in the 1970s. (What a legend that woman was.)
I’m pleased to be bringing you another wand vibrator review today courtesy of Funzze, who kindly sent me the Funzze Super Powerful Massager, their take on the wand vibrator, to try out and review for you all.
Funzze Super Powerful Massager
The Funzze Super Powerful Massager is a wand style vibrator with a long handle and a large head, measuring a total of 13.5″ in length. Its head is made of body-safe silicone and the body is ABS plastic. The button panel, located in the middle of the handle, is also silicone. The only colour it comes in is black.
This toy is USB rechargeable. You’ll get anything from an hour to 2 hours of use (depending on settings) out of a full charge, which takes around 3 hours.
The Funzze Super Powerful Massager arrived in discreet packaging, with the toys packed in simple branded cardboard boxes. It also comes with a drawstring storage bag.
What I Like About the Funzze Super Powerful Massager
In short, I am really impressed with how well the Funzze Super Powerful Massager holds up, even compared to much more expensive products. Let’s have a look at all the specific things I liked about it.
First and most importantly: those vibrations! The Funzze Super Powerful Massager really lives up to its name – its power level is seriously impressive. Even better, the vibrations are fairly rumbly. This means that you get deep, satisfying stimulation rather than a numbing buzz. It gets the job done, and it gets it done quickly and reliably.
The firmness of the head. This makes it easy to get a good amount of pressure, and it transmits the vibrations well.
The flexible neck. This allows you to position the toy exactly where and how you want it. However, it’s not so flexible that it’s impossible to get any pressure. This can be a difficult balance to strike, but this toy does it well.
There are 8 speed settings and a massive 20 different patterns, which can be used in any combination.
It’s fairly light for its size, weighing just over 300g.
The buttons are easy to press, well placed, and the controls are intuitive. There’s an on/off button, a button to change the pattern, and a button to change the speed. The buttons are raised and large enough that it’s easy to press them without looking.
An on/off button that you just press and don’t have to hold down. This might sound like a small thing, but it really makes a difference to my experience using a toy.
The inclusion of a storage bag is a nice touch, particularly for such an inexpensive product.
The super affordable price point! The Funzze Super Powerful Massager retails for a bargain $29.99. It also comes with a 1-year warranty should anything go wrong.
Any Downsides?
With all of those good things said, there were a few small things about the Funzze Super Powerful Massager that didn’t work so well for me.
For some reason, when you switch on the Funzze Super Powerful Massager, it starts at the highest setting. This might not be a problem for those of us whose usual vibrator use pattern is “stick it on the most powerful speed and leave it there.” (Hello!) But if you prefer to start slowly and work up through the speeds, having to immediately switch down when you turn it on could be annoying.
The speed and pattern controls only scroll one way. So if you want to go back a step, you have to cycle all the way through all the settings to do so.
It’s not waterproof. Which is fair enough – most wand vibrators aren’t. This isn’t a big deal to me as I don’t generally use toys in water anyway, but if you like to masturbate in the bath or shower this is something to bear in mind. It also means it’s better to clean the wand with a sterile body-safe wipe rather than soap and water.
It’s moderately loud (companies: please stop claiming your toys are quiet when they demonstrably aren’t.) All wand vibrators are going to be loud to a certain extent, and it’s not egregious, but it’s certainly noticeable.
The single use plastic wrap around the toy inside the packaging box was unnecessary and is not very environmentally friendly.
Verdict
I’m often cynical about toys at very low price points, assuming they can’t possibly compete with their higher priced counterparts. I should probably reevaluate that assumption, though, because the Funzze Super Powerful Massager is so, so, so good for the price. Whether you’re on a budget and looking for a reliable staple or seeking an entry-level product to see whether wand vibrators work for you, this is a great option. Despite the small issues I identified, it’s an excellent toy that can easily compete with many of the pricier products in my collection.
There are a lot of so-called hands-free vibrators on the market, from wearables to knicker vibrators and more. However, far fewer of them are actually hands-free in any meaningful sense. Most of them require at least some manual input to keep them in place. Since the main selling point of these toys is that they enable you to use your hands to do other things while using them, it’s always disappointing when they don’t work as advertised. As such, I am continuously on the hunt for hands-free toys that really are hands-free.
I love wand vibrators, as my long-time readers know. Big fan. However, sometimes I opt not to use one when I might otherwise have liked to because they’re also heavy and unwieldy. If I’m tired or having a bad pain day, holding one for the amount of time it takes to get off might not be feasible. For that reason, I’ve long been curious to try a wand vibrator harness.
UPKO Remote Control Wand Vibrator and Vibrator Harness
The UPKO Remote Control Wand Vibrator measures 12″ in length. Both the handle and the head are coated in body-safe silicone. It weighs in at a fairly heavy 380g.
The wand is IPX6 waterproof which means it should not be submerged. It is USB rechargeable and you’ll get around 90 minutes runtime from a 2 hour charge. Included is a remote control which works from a range of up to 10 metres.
The other part of the kit is a thigh vibrator harness. This is made of nylon and consists of two thick black bands decorated with gold coloured metal hardware and an embroidered UPKO insignia. The harness fastens with velcro straps and is adjustable up to around 22″ in the upper band and 18″ in the lower. Each band features a smaller strap that sits on the inside of the leg and is designed to hold the wand in place against the genitals.
Bafflingly, the marketing copy for this set includes the phrase “wearing it in public triggers a strong sense of embarrassment.” Which isn’t technically untrue, I’m sure, but… wearing this in public would also trigger a strong sense of getting arrested for public indecency. It’s not a little insertable or knicker vibe, it’s a giant fuckoff wand. There is no universe in which you’re using this in public.
With that said, let’s look at the pros and cons of this set.
UPKO Wand Vibrator & Harness Kit: What I Liked
It arrived beautifully packaged in a smart and sturdy branded box
There are six settings – two constant vibration speeds and four patterns – and dual controls so you can scroll through them in either direction.
The motor has a decent amount of power behind it (not the rumbliness I’d prefer, though – see below.)
The flexible neck makes it easy to turn and position the head whatever way works best for your body.
The vibrator harness holds the wand in place effectively. After a little experimenting with positions and the tightness of the straps, I was able to enjoy this toy truly hands-free.
The harness is also pretty comfortable to wear.
The texturing on the wand’s head adds to the clitoral stimulation it provides.
The hands-free nature of this set presents some intriguing – and kinky – possibilities. Why not combine it with other bondage fun such as cuffs or shibari, or use it for orgasm control or forced orgasm play?
The vibrator is fairly quiet even on its top setting, clocking in at under 55db.
The buttons are easy to press and satisfyingly clicky.
Anything I Didn’t Like?
The aesthetic is weird and dull. Why is it so grey? I suspect they were going for an elegant and classy vibe but it just doesn’t work for me.
The vibrations might be powerful, but they’re also pretty buzzy. I could get an orgasm out of this thing but it required a couple of pauses mid-session because it was starting to numb me out.
The harness is not as size-inclusive as it could be. The upper band is adjustable up to around 22″ in circumference but it would be trivial to add longer straps to make it suitable for bigger bodies.
The + and – buttons blend in with the surrounding silicone. Making them a different colour, more pronounced, or light-up would make them easier to use particularly in low light.
Verdict
This is not a bad kit for the price. You get a body-safe wand vibrator with a few different settings and a harness for a relatively affordable $129 (at the time of writing, on sale and down to $99.)
Ultimately, the wand itself is only mediocre and I’m unlikely to reach for it again. The harness, though, I do like. I’ll probably be trying it with other wand vibrators in my collection.
Thanks to UPKO for sending me this kit to review. As always, views and writing are mine. Affiliate links appear in this post.
Once again, my lovely pals at Lovehoney have sent me their advent calendar for couples, this year created in partnership with Womanizer. And once again, I’m going to be opening a door a day and telling you about the products inside.
This kit, as the name implies, is aimed at “couples”, which assumes one penis-owner and one vulva-owner. There are several other adult advent calendars for couples in the range including 12 day toy calendars for different types of bodies and a 7 day lingerie calendar.
I’m going to try a slightly different format this year as I review this kit: giving you some basic product info, some pros and cons, and a quick final verdict on each product.
Day 1: Bullet Vibrator
Product Info
Material: ABS plastic
Colour: Shiny gold with a black Lovehoney heart insignia.
Small enough to slide between bodies during penetrative sex other activities
Versatile and suitable for a wide range of body parts
Cons
A little more buzzy than I would like
Only one button, making it a little annoying to select the pattern you want
Verdict
A decent, basic bullet vibrator. Unlikely to satisfy serious power fans or those who really need rumbles, but otherwise perfectly serviceable and does what it says on the tin.
Day 2: Ribbed Penis Stroker
Product Info
Material: TPE, I think
Colour: Translucent white
Body safe? Kinda. TPE isn’t toxic but it is porous and will harbour bacteria
Waterproof: Yes, submersible
Size: 4″ in length, very stretchy
Lube compatible: Yes, water-based only
Cleaning: Gentle soap and warm water. Please note that TPE can be washed but cannot be sterilised
Pros
Small pocket in the side, allowing you to insert yesterday’s bullet vibrator (or any bullet vibe of your choice)
Soft, squishy feeling material
Very stretchy, making it suitable for the vast majority of dick sizes
Nice internal texturing
Cons
Material cannot be fully sterilised due to its porous nature
Material is already starting to tear around the holes
Likely only good for a few uses
Verdict
An okay stroker for a few uses, or for a beginner to find out if this is a sensation they enjoy. It won’t last long, though, so if you enjoy using it I recommend upgrading to a silicone stroker ASAP.
Day 3: Wrist Restraints
Product Info
Material: Polypropylene with plastic hardwear
Colour: Black with gold clips
Body safe? Yes
Waterproof: No
Size: Each cuff is 14″ in total length
Cleaning: Wipe clean if necessary
Pros
Highly adjustable to fit the vast majority of people
Velcro fastenings are quick to undo, making them safe and beginner-friendly
Can be clipped together using the attached gold clips
Cons
Material isn’t particularly soft so not very comfortable for long-term wear
Not very strong so only suitable for light bondage activities
Verdict
These are a very basic set of cuffs. They’re serviceable for complete beginners and very light bondage, and may help you to discover whether being restrained or restraining your partner is something you enjoy. If you do, though, consider upgrading to a set of proper bondage cuffs if you can.
Day 4: Mint Orgasm Balm
This product, very similar to Lovehoney’s Bliss Orgasm Balm (a surprising winner and a fave I return to again and again) is designed to be applied to external erogenous zones such as the clit and nipples. The menthol provides a cooling, tingling sensation that brings additional bloodflow to the area and increases sensitivity.
Product Info
Packaging: A small gold tin with black detailing
Body-safe? Yes, as long as you’re not allergic/sensitive to any of the ingredients
Vegan? Unfortunately not, as it contains beeswax
Safe for use in water: Yes
Clean-up: You’ll need to use plenty of soap and warm water as this is an oil-based product
Pros
Really does enhance pleasure – the extra sensitivity is glorious
Great for an all-day tease or kinky edging/orgasm control games.
A little goes a long way
Cons
Oily consistency makes clean-up a little annoying
Strong minty scent can linger even after washing
Verdict
Having tried variations on this product previously (including in last year’s calendar), I’m not at all surprised to say that today’s item is a hit. I really love this stuff.
Day 5: G-Spot Dildo
Product Info
Material: Silicone
Colour: Purple
Body safe? Yes, silicone is phthalate-free and non-porous
Waterproof: Yes
Size: 5″ insertable length, 1.59″ diameter at widest point
Cleaning: A body-safe sterile wipe, antibacterial soap and water, a 10% bleach solution, boiling, or dishwasher
Pros
Lovely curve, ideal for targeting the G-spot
Soft silicone with a firm head
Has a slot in the base to insert the bullet vibe from day 1 (or any bullet vibrator)
Flared base for anal safety
Cons
Bullet can get kinda stuck if you accidentally wedge it in too far
Base isn’t quite wide enough to use with a harness
Verdict
This is a lovely little dildo. Body-safe, a non-threatening size (suitable for the less experienced toy users this calendar is really aimed at), and suitable for use with or without a vibrator. If I was going to make one change, I’d make the base a little wider to make it harness-compatible for strap-on sex.
Day 6: Thick Cock Ring
Product Info
Material: Silicone
Colour: Black
Body safe? Yes, silicone is phthalate-free and non-porous
Cleaning: A body-safe sterile wipe, antibacterial soap and water, a 10% bleach solution, boiling, or dishwasher
Pros
Soft, body-safe silicone
Thick cock ring design makes it comfortable to wear
Super stretchy to accommodate the vast majority of penis sizes
Comes with a useful (multilingual) safety guide
Cons
None – this is a great basic toy.
Verdict
An excellent basic cock ring. No criticisms here; it’s body-safe, will fit the vast majority of users, and should last for years if you look after it.
Day 7: Blindfold
Product Info
Material: Polyester
Colour: Black with gold detailing
Waterproof: No
Size: 7″ across, 2.5″ top to bottom
Cleaning: Not washable – wipe clean only
Pros
Plushy padding makes it comfortable to wear
Stretchy elastic to fit most users
Super pretty gold-on-black “night sky” design
Doubles nicely as a cute sleep mask
Cons
Cheap fabric that starts to pull at the edges after a couple uses
Not quite big enough to completely block vision
Verdict
This is okay as a very basic blindfold. If you’re brand new to this sort of play or just wanting something you can pop over your/your partner’s eyes for a kinky twist without aiming for complete sensory deprivation, it’s fine. But it could do with being slightly bigger (to better block the light). Though the design is pretty, the cheap fabric and inability to wash it means it’s unlikely to last particularly long.
Day 8: Sandalwood Scented Candle
Product Info
A small (40g) sandalwood-scented candle in a little gold and black tin.
Pros
Lovely, earthy sandalwood scent – ideal for setting the mood for a romantic night in
Cons
Not suitable for wax play
May be unsuitable for those with fragrance sensitivities as the scent is quite strong when lit
Verdict
It’s a nice extra if you’re someone who likes to light candles during sex (or just enjoys using scented candles to make your space smell nice.
Unlike last year’s candle, I don’t feel at all confident suggesting that this one is suitable for wax play. Its melting point is not clear and the addition of scents can sometimes make candles burn much hotter so, since it is not specifically stated as a wax play-safe candle, I wouldn’t take the risk. Choose a wax play candle or massage candle if you want to apply the wax to your skin.
Day 9: Crystal Butt Plug
Product Info
Material: Aluminium and acrylic
Colour: Gold with a purple jewel
Body safe? Yes, aluminium is a body-safe metal for sex toys as long as you are not allergic/sensitive to this metal
Waterproof: Yes
Size: 3″ total length, 2.5″ insertable length, 1.1″ diameter at widest point
Cleaning: A body-safe sterile wipe, antibacterial soap and water, or a 10% bleach solution. Do not boil or put in the dishwasher as this may cause the glue holding the gem in place to melt
Pros
Super pretty and with a purple gem – my favourite colour!
Small, non-threatening size makes it friendly for beginners
Rigid material means you get a lot of sensation from a small toy
Can be warmed up or cooled down for versatile, temperature-based play
Cons
Rigid base can dig in after a while, making it uncomfortable (and unlikely to be suitable for all-day wear)
There was already a little damage on the gem when I unboxed it, cheapening the overall look
Verdict
A cute, beginner-friendly crystal butt plug ideal for anyone curious about using metal toys for the first time. Its body-safe material and flared base mean you can enjoy it with confidence. Pro tip: if anal play feels really intense, coupling it with stimulation of your clitoris or penis can massively enhance the pleasure.
Day 10: Mini Wand Vibrator
Product Info
Material: ABS plastic body, silicone head
Colour: Black with a gold Lovehoney heart insignia
Body safe? Yes, silicone is fully non-porous and non-toxic
Waterproof: It doesn’t specify, so I assume not
Speeds/patterns: 3 speeds, 8 patterns
Size: 5″ total length, head 1.3″ diameter at widest point
Lube-compatible: Yes, any kind of lube
Cleaning: Clean the head using a body-safe sterile wipe or an antibacterial toy cleaning spray – don’t get the whole thing wet
Pros
Very light and highly portable
Flexible neck for easy positioning
Ideal for penises, nipples, and other erogenous zones as well as clits
Cons
Vibrations are only middling strength and quite buzzy
Unlike Day 1’s bullet vibrator, this one does not come pre-charged so you’ll need to charge it up before you play
Only 1 button, making it a little annoying to find the speed/pattern you want if you like to change between them
Verdict
This is a mediocre vibe. The vibration strength isn’t terrible but it’s not great either, and the overall effect is far more “buzz” than “rumble.” As a warmup toy or one for those who prefer weaker vibrations, it’s fine (the body-safe materials and flexible neck give it some points) but as a more experienced toy user I got very little out of it and I’m unlikely to use it again.
Day 11: Nipple Clamps
Product Info
Material: Plastic with silicone tips
Colour: Gold with purple tips
Body safe? Yes
Waterproof: Yes
Size: 3″ in length
Cleaning: Wipe clean if necessary
Pros
Really cute gold-and-purple design with festive star decals
Comfortable to wear and not too pinchy
Adjustable via a simple slider mechanism
Cons
Not likely to fit anyone with large nipples
Adjustment slider scratches the gold plating off the clamps
They don’t stay on very well and pop off at the slightest tug
Verdict
These nipple clamps are really pretty and cute, but I don’t think they’re very high quality. The slider scratching off the plating means they won’t retain their appearance for very long and they don’t stay on for very long. They’ll be fine for a few wears if you just want them to look pretty, but don’t expect much more than that from them.
Nice sensory properties – glides on smoothly and doesn’t leave skin feeling greasy
Cons
Dries out quickly so needs reapplying often
May be unsuitable for those with fragrance allergies/sensitivities
Verdict
This is a perfectly nice massage oil with a distinctive (but not overpowering) scent. It’s pleasant to use and left my skin feeling soft and healthy. Massage can be a fun precursor to sex or a lovely activity in its own right. If you enjoy using it, you can grab a bottle of Lovehoney’s Oh! Vanilla Massage Oil for £5.99 when this one runs out.
Day 13: Tickler
Product Info
A purple feathery tickler (made from polyester and nylon) on a black velcro ring, designed for running over your or your partner’s body.
Pros
Feels nice and soft
Works well with other items from the kit, such as the blindfold and cuffs, to create a fun sensation play scene
Adjustable loop means you can wear it on your fingers like a ring or just hold it in your hand
Cons
No easy way to get it clean – if you get bodily fluids on it, consider it bonded to that person
Verdict
A nice little addition to the kit. Sensation play can be a great way into exploring BDSM and kink, or enjoying intense sensation if pain isn’t your thing. Remember that it can still be intense, and tickling in particular can be edge play or even a hard limit for some people. As with anything else, ALWAYS check in with your partner and get consent.
Day 14: Textured Stroker
Product Info
Material: TPE
Colour: Translucent white
Body safe? Sort of. TPE isn’t toxic, but it is porous and will harbour bacteria.
Waterproof: Yes, submersible
Size: 6″ long and 4″ wide when flat
Lube compatible: Yes, water-based is recommended
Cleaning: Gentle soap and warm water. Please note that TPE can be washed but cannot be sterilised.
Pros
Nice ribbed and dotted texturing
Flat wrap-around design makes it suitable for all penis sizes
Cons
Weird powdery texture that makes my sensory issues unhappy
Material cannot be properly sterilised due to its porous nature
May only last a few uses
Verdict
This is an interesting design; I like that it’s flat and wrap-around rather than the usual tube shape, and the texturing is excellent. Due to it being made of porous TPE, which will start to break down after a while, it’s probably only going to last a short time. Grab a silicone stroker if you enjoy this sensation and want a longer-lasting toy!
Day 15: Ankle Cuffs
Product Info
Material: Polypropylene with plastic hardwear
Colour: Black with gold clips
Body safe? Yes
Waterproof: No
Size: Each cuff is 14″ in total length
Cleaning: Wipe clean if necessary
Pros
Go with the wrist restraints from Day 3 to make a full 4-way restraint set
Highly adjustable to fit the vast majority of people
Velcro fastenings are quick to undo, making them safe and beginner-friendly
Can be clipped together using the attached gold clips
Cons
The wrist and ankle restraints should really have been ONE day in the calendar, not 2 separate ones
Material isn’t particularly soft so not very comfortable for long-term wear
Not very strong so only suitable for light bondage activities
Verdict
Like the matching wrist restraints, these are a very basic set of ankle cuffs. They’re a fine introduction to bondage for complete beginners and will work fine if light restraint is all you want to do. If you’re interested in exploring restraint in a more intense way, though, consider upgrading to a set of proper bondage cuffs if you can.
Day 16: Body Massager
Product Info
A purple (with gold glitter) plastic body massager shaped like a five-pointed star. It measures 6″ in total length and each point is approximately 2″ in length.
Pros
Very light
Ergonomic design makes it comfortable to hold
A great way to give massages without tiring your hands or wrists (particularly good for those who experience pain in those areas)
Versatile: use all five points at once, or one at a time for a more focused sensation
Feels AMAZING. I keep reaching for mine to get the knots out of my back after spending too long working on my computer
Sparkles!
Cons
None – I actually really love this one.
Verdict
If you like the kind of deep tissue massage that sort of hurts a little bit but also feels really good, you’re going to love this one. Massage can be a great way in to sex, or a wonderful and sensual activity by itself. Combine this with the massage oil from day 12 if you like!
Day 17: Anal Beads
Product Info
Material: Silicone
Colour: Black
Body safe? Yes, silicone is non-porous and non-toxic, making it fully body-safe
Waterproof: Yes
Size: 6″ total length, insertable length 5″, widest bead 1.2″ in diameter
Lube-compatible: Yes, water-based only
Cleaning: A body-safe sterile wipe, antibacterial soap and water, a 10% bleach solution, boiling, or dishwasher
Pros
Can be used with the bullet vibe from day 1
Super soft silicone
Flexible for comfortable insertion and wear
Cons
Quite long – may feel intimidating to beginners
Verdict
A lovely set of anal beads. They score top marks for body-safe materials, flexible shaft with firm beads, and the ability to turn them into a vibrating toy by adding the bullet vibe from this kit (or any other bullet in your collection.)
Day 18: Finger Vibe Sleeve
Product Info
Material: Silicone
Colour: Purple
Body safe? Yes, silicone is both non-porous and non-toxic, making it an ideal safe sex toy material
Waterproof: Yes
Size: Just over 2″ total length
Lube-compatible: Yes, water-based only
Cleaning: A body-safe sterile wipe, antibacterial soap and water, a 10% bleach solution, boiling, or dishwasher
Pros
Pairs with the bullet vibe from day 1
Super soft silicone
Fun way to bring something new to hand sex (either solo or partnered)
Cons
Silicone dampens the vibrations somewhat
Smallish finger loop may mean it won’t fit those with larger hands/fingers
Couldn’t feel the texturing in use
Verdict
Finger vibes can be a fun add-on to hand sex, particularly clitoral play. I like the basic design of this finger vibe, but it’s let down by the lacklustre texturing. It needs to be much more pronounced to have any effect for any but the most sensitive of clits. But if you find the bullet vibe too intense by itself or prefer the softer feeling of silicone over hard plastic, this is a nice addition to the kit.
Day 19: Sex Dice
Product Info
A pair of dice, one listing acts (such as “kiss”, “nibble”, etc.) and one listing body parts. The idea is that you roll them together and then do the act stipulated.
Pros
Can be a fun way to explore different sensations
Sex is best when there’s laughter, and this guarantees plenty of that
Not gendered
Cons
Occasionally baffling combinations (no, I do not want you to suck my back, thanks!)
Verdict
I don’t have anything against the concept of sex dice, but I think they’re just not really for me. I prefer sex to be fluid rather than gamified and I’d rather just communicate and do what feels good in the moment. So while I think these would probably be great for some people (I’ve particularly found that sex games like this can be a fun icebreaker in group sex scenarios), I don’t think I’m one of those people.
Day 20: Spanking Paddle
Product Info
A mini spanking paddle decorated with a pretty black and gold design in silky fabric on one side, and plain black faux leather on the other side. The paddle measures 9″ in total length.
Pros
A fairly non-scary beginner paddle that delivers a gentle sting rather than anything more painful
Pretty aesthetic
Slightly different sensations from each side
Loop handle makes it easy to hold and store
Cons
Loud noise can be problematic if you have family or roommates at home
Not particlarly robust
Verdict
This is a nice enough beginner spanking paddle. It’s gentle enough to be suitable for complete BDSM novices, though unlikely to do much for fans of more intense pain play. It might not last very long if you’re doing anything more than very gentle play with it, but it’s fine for figuring out if spanking and impact play are things you enjoy.
Day 21: Sexy Snap Position Cards
Product Info
A set of cards featuring various sex positions, plus instructions for two different games to play with them.
Pros
Quite inclusive; many of the positions will work for either vaginal or anal sex with their a bio cock or a strap-on.
Fun, playful and non-threatening way to try out new positions.
Reminds me of this scene from The Bold Type where Jane, Kat and Sutton test out one of Sage’s sex positions to “verify it’s physically possible.” I’m always happy to be reminded of my favourite show
Cons
Some of them require ridiculous core strength, upper body strength, or just indestructible furniture to pull off
Verdict
To be honest, my approach to penetrative sex has typically been “find two or three positions that work and just rotate them depending on mood and energy levels.” I imagine this is fairly normal, especially in long-term sexual relationships. If you’d like to try something new, this game will give you some inspiration. Just don’t be put off by the fact that some of these positions are not going to be physically possible for everyone.
Day 22: Under-Mattress Restraints
Product Info
A set of 4-way restraint straps which fit under your mattress and feature loops at each corner to attach cuffs and restrain your partner by all 4 limbs.
Pros
Suitable for almost all bed sizes as they are highly adjustable
Easy to tuck out of sight if necessary
Pair them with the cuffs from Day 3 and Day 15 or with any other set of cuffs you own.
Quick, safe, and non-threatening introduction to bondage
Cons
None – this is a really nice inclusion.
Verdict
I’ve been after a set of these for ages but always assumed they wouldn’t fit my giant bed. Happily, I was wrong! These are strong, easy to set up, and safe to use as long as you observe some basic safety protocol (e.g. never leaving a bound person alone and always playing with a safeword.) These might be among my favourite items in the whole kit!
Day 23: Couple’s Cock Ring
Product Info
Material: Silicone
Colour: Purple
Body safe? Yes, silicone is both non-porous and non-toxic, making it a completely body-safe sex toy material
Waterproof: Yes
Size: 3″ total length, with a 1″ “tongue” for clitoral stimulation
Lube-compatible: Yes, water-based only
Cleaning: A body-safe sterile wipe, antibacterial soap and water, a 10% bleach solution, boiling, or dishwasher
Pros
Pairs with the bullet vibe from day 1 (or any other bullet in your collection)
Soft silicone
Stretchy to fit most penis sizes
Nice texturing on the clitoral stimulator
Cons
Vibrations feel very weak once transmitted through the silicone
Clitoral stimulator is too flimsy to really be satisfying
Verdict
I have long come to the conclusion that vibrating cock rings are better in theory than in practice, at least for me. This one seems well designed on the surface, and I do like that it’s designed to fit a wide range of bodies and that the clitoral stimulator portion is textured. Unfortunately, in practice, it’s too flimsy and flexible to provide any kind of pressure or sustained stimulation.
Day 24: Womanizer Liberty
Product Info
Material: ABS plastic body with silicone nozzle
Colour: Purple with white nozzle and buttons
Body safe? Yes, ABS plastic and silicone are both body-safe and non-porous
Waterproof: Yes., submersible
Size: 4″ total length
Speeds/patterns: 6 speeds
Lube-compatible: Yes, water-based lube is best with silicone toys
Cleaning: Remove the nozzle and clean with a body-safe sterile wipe, antibacterial soap and water, a 10% bleach solution, by boiling, or in the dishwasher. Wipe the body clean if necessary.
Pros
Comes with a little case, making it discreet and travel-friendly
Suitable for use in the bath or shower
Light and comfortable to hold
Easy to clean due to the removable nozzle
Feels AMAZING
Cons
A little loud at the top speeds
Verdict
I had a feeling the Womanizer Liberty might turn out to be the crowning glory of the set and I was right. Once again, Womanizer – the original purveyors of suction-based clitoral stimulators – have knocked it out of the park. This amazing little stimulator is easy to hold and use, powerful, and feels incredible. On top of all that, it’s travel-friendly and waterproof. Top marks.
See you next year!
Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the 2022 Advent Calendar for Couples, which retails for £130 and contains £374.99 worth of products, to review. All views are mine. Affiliate links appear in this post and shopping through them helps to keep the site going!
I’ve been on antidepressants for the majority of my adult life, in three separate stints. I’m very pro medication for those who need it which, at the times I was taking it, I absolutely did. I’m not exaggerating when I say that those meds saved my life on more than one occasion.
Honey Wand by Honey Play Box
But like any medications, antidepressants often have side effects, which can range in severity from mildly annoying to seriously debilitating. One of the worst side effects I experienced on two out of the three antidepressants I tried was a significant change to my sexuality. This manifested in different ways on each drug.
On Fluoxetine (Prozac), I pretty much lost my sexual desire entirely for months. Anything that had been pleasurable just felt like… nothing. This wasn’t limited to sex, either – I also lost my appetite and all ability to derive pleasure from food. On Citalopram, I lost my ability to orgasm while my body adjusted to the meds. While this did have some pleasant results (particularly discovering that I have an orgasm denial kink), it was also upsetting and frustrating. Feeling like I had no control over my body and like I’d lost one of my greatest sources of pleasure was so damaging that I seriously considered coming off the meds that were otherwise helping with my depression.
Trying Sex Toys
The first time antidepressants killed my sex life, I was so thoroughly miserable (both from the depression and from the side effects of the meds) that I wasn’t even interested in reclaiming it. I’m pretty sure I didn’t have sex or masturbate for about nine months at one stage. In hindsight, this probably made things even worse, because my sexuality has always been one of the key ways that I access pleasure and joy. At that time, I didn’t own any sex toys, and any touch from either myself or my partner left me cold.
The second time was a different matter, though. This time, the antidepressants actually took the edge off the worst of the sadness and hopelessness, and I still wanted sex. I just couldn’t orgasm, either with my partner or by myself. Though orgasm is not necessarily the goal of sex, this quickly became frustrating and then enraging. I felt like my body was betraying me. Like I had to choose between having a properly functioning brain and a satisfying sex life.
The turning point came when my then-partner pulled out a wand vibrator after about a month of this issue. That thing finally broke through the orgasm block. And, once that dam broke, it became easier and easier to get there again. I invested in a wand for myself pretty quickly after that, and it became my go-to toy.
Breaking Through the Depression-Haze
Even now, when I’m not currently on any psychiatric medication (though I accept I might be again in the future), I’m most likely to reach for my wand vibes when I’m in the middle of a bad depression funk. Contrary to popular belief, it’s still possible to feel horny at the same time as being depressed. Sad people need pleasure and orgasms, too! There have also been times when I haven’t felt horny, but I knew intellectually that an orgasm would make me feel better.
Sometimes, when I’m very very depressed, I feel as though there’s a kind of fog around me. The fog keeps me at least partly disconnected from everything and everyone around me. At its worst, it creates a sense of being somewhat outside and detached from my own body. In this state, many types of touch that would normally be pleasurable struggle to penetrate the fog. When that happens, I need intense stimulation and lots of it. It’s times like this that I might crave certain BDSM activities even more than usual. It’s also times like this when knock-your-socks-off powerful wand vibes are a Godsend. It might be possible to power through to orgasm with a lacklustre, buzzy vibrator but ultimately why bother?
The thing with my favourite wand vibes is that ultimately, they can wrench an orgasm from my body with very little active input from me. This has a lot of fun potential (forced orgasm scenes anyone?) It’s also extremely useful during periods of significant depression. If I want to orgasm at my own or a partner’s hand, or with a lower powered toy, it can be fun but often requires significant effort, mentally if not physically. With a powerful enough wand, I basically just put it in the right spot and wait for the orgasm to happen. In this way, I can access pleasure and the positive physical and mental health benefits of orgasm even when I feel so low I don’t want to leave my bed.
Sexual Pleasure Matters
When someone is dealing with severe health issues, either physical or mental, it’s often tempting to see sexual pleasure as trivial. Certainly when I spoke to my doctor about the side effects of my various medications, they dismissed my concerns. Did I want to be able to orgasm or did I want to not be sad? Because I couldn’t have both.
Except I actually could, and I needed and deserved to have both.
If you’re struggling with pleasure or orgasm due to health issues and medication, I want you to hear this: sexual pleasure matters! It’s not trivial and it’s not unimportant. If it’s important to you, then it matters. And you deserve to have what you need to feel sexually satisfied – whether that’s a change of medication, a super powerful vibrator, or just to change up what you’re doing.
Thanks to Honey Play Box for sponsoring this post. All views and experiences are my own!
Satisfyer started out making pressure wave toys, bringing products like the excellent Satisfyer Pro 2 and the famously adorable Pro Penguin to market. After that, they branched out into vibrators, some of which I loved and some of which were just okay. So I suppose it was inevitable they’d make a wand eventually.
The Wand-er Woman arrived discreetly in plain packaging and inside, the toy was presented in an attractive blue/pink/purple box with information about the toy and line drawings of nude women. I have to say that I don’t like this product’s name. It’s a cute pun, sure, but it’s really unnecessarily gendered since wand vibrators are for everyone.
My other first impression of the Satisfyer Wand-er Woman is that it’s LARGE. Measuring 34cm (13.4″) in length and weighing in at 647g, this is not a small toy. I’m not necessarily opposed to large toys, but they can be challenging to hold and manipulate and are inaccessible for some people. I actually found the thickness of the Wand-er Woman’s handle to be more of a problem than its weight alone. I have fairly small hands, but the thickness of this toy’s handle combined with its weight made it challenging to hold for long enough to have a decent play session with it.
The Wand-er Woman is available in three colourways: black, white, or purple. I received the white version, which has lilac buttons and a silver decorative bad at the top of the handle. The Wand-er Woman is rechargeable via the included cable, and completely waterproof. The body and head are coated in soft, body-safe matte silicone and the silicone cap is removeable from the head, which allows for easier cleaning.
In Use
The Wand-er Woman boasts ten vibration settings (constant vibration plus 9 patterns) and 5 speeds, for an impressive total of 50 possible combinations. The three-button interface is simple and intuitive, and the buttons are easy to press. I appreciated being able to scroll through the speeds by simply holding the plus or minus buttons down, without needing to press repeatedly. The Wand-er Woman’s neck has a little flex, which is useful for positioning.
The Wand-er Woman is not quite as powerful, nor as rumbly, as many of the corded wands in my collection. It doesn’t deliver the eyeball-shaking, whole-room-rattling intensity of some of my all-time faves. It also doesn’t quite match up in terms of deep, penetrating rumbles.
That’s not to say it isn’t powerful, though! All but the most discerning Power Royalty will still be able to get plenty of pleasure out of this toy. It’s not exactly buzzy, either, just… somewhere closer to the centre of the buzz/rumble spectrum. I need the highest setting to get off, but not everyone’s clit is as demanding as mine. I also don’t particularly care for patterns – I tried them all for the sake of being thorough, and because I keep hoping to meet a vibration pattern that changes my mind about vibration patterns, though I haven’t yet.
The cordless design is useful, as I don’t always wand power cords trailing across my bedroom (and, in environments like play parties, there isn’t always an outlet available). The battery life is good. Noise-wise, it’s fine. Interestingly, I’ve seen some users complain of their Wand-er Woman being excessively loud, but mine just makes a persistent hum at the kind of volume you’d expect for a toy at this power level. It’s not silent but it doesn’t sound like a power tool, either.
Verdict
One of the key selling points of the Satisfyer Wand-er Woman is its relatively affordable price point. Retailing for £46.95 at full price, it’s less than half the price of many of its main competitors. If you’re willing to cope with the downsides, such as the toy’s weight and the width of the handle, and you’re not expecting the same power you’d get from a pricy corded toy, it’s a perfectly fine option. Folks on a budget, or beginners wanting to try out wands without splashing out £100 or more immediately, might find it’s perfectly adequate for their needs.
I don’t think I’ll be reaching for it regularly, but I’m glad it exists!
