Hey there, new kinkster! I’m going to write this piece to you as I wish someone had written it to me, when I was new to BDSM and kink a decade or so ago. I want to tell you the things I wish I’d known about the phenomenon known as “sub frenzy.”

You might have found this post because someone accused you of having sub-frenzy. Or perhaps you’ve been cautioned by your new kinky friends that this “frenzy” thing is something to beware of and avoid? Whatever brought you here,

What is Sub Frenzy?

In short, sub frenzy is where new submissives (or experienced submissives in new relationships) experience an overwhelmingly intense desire to do all the kinky things right now. They might rush out to find a Dom, pursue unsuitable relationships, or look for kinky experiences even at the cost of their safety, wellbeing, or the health of their relationships.

Sub frenzy can happen for a few reasons. First, it’s natural to discover that you’re kinky and want to explore it immediately. It kinda reminds me of realising, in my late teens, that I liked girls and feeling desperate to find a woman to hook up with right now. In addition, kinky activities (including online connections and solo activities such as fantasising, masturbating, and watching kinky porn) release powerful brain chemicals such as endorphins and dopamine. These substances can lead to an altered state known as “subspace”, which can feel euphoric. Once you’ve had a taste of them, it’s normal to want more and more.

Sub frenzy can manifest in a huge variety of ways, and we’ll look at some examples in the next section. But in a nutshell, it’s a desperation to submit that is so intense that common sense and self-preservation fly out of the window.

How Will I Know if I’m in Sub Frenzy?

Are you a new submissive, or a submissive in a new relationship (particularly after a period of little or no play?) If any of the following feel familiar to you, you might be experiencing sub frenzy.

• You’re so desperate to submit that you’d probably kneel for a brick wall if it would just smack your ass and call you a naughty boy
• You’ve played with (or you’re tempted to play with) Dominants you barely know just to get the submissive itch scratched
• You’re tempted to just submit to the next random douchbag who sends you an unsolicited dick pic on Fetlife
• You’ve cheated, or are tempted to cheat, on your partner to get your kinky needs met
• You’re ignoring BDSM red flags in a Dominant or prospective Dominant because you’re so desperate to play
• You’ve dived into (or are considering diving into) a 24/7 Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship without taking the time to gain experience or learn more about BDSM first
• You downplay your limits, claim not to have limits, or go further than you feel comfortable with because you think it’ll make you more attractive to Dominants
• You’re pressuring your partner to engage in kink when they don’t want to, or to go further or faster than they feel comfortable with
• Your kinky activities or desires are getting in the way of your health, safety, mental wellbeing, job, friendships, hobbies, or relationships in a significant way
• You feel like you’ll LOSE YOUR MIND if you can’t submit to someone right now

If you said yes to any of the above, or recognise elements of them in yourself, you might be in sub frenzy.

What is This “Sub Frenzy” Crap? Don’t Good Submissives Want to Submit All the Time?

Short answer: no.

Well, sure, some submissives probably have the desire to submit all the time. But experienced submissives also know that there’s a time and a place, that sometimes real life must come first, and that they should never compromise their wellbeing for kink.

Good submissives are not doormats. They’re thoughtful, discerning, and willing to stand up for themselves, their needs, and their boundaries when necessary. Being so desperate to submit that you make poor decisions is not only really dangerous, it’s also only likely to attract the worst kind of Dominants.

If you’re looking for a long-term D/s relationship, a good Dominant will want to take time to get to know you and build a relationship with you. Even if you’re only after casual play, desperation isn’t sexy. It might feel maddening to pause and calm down a bit, but it’ll pay off in the long run.

Okay, I’ve Realised I Might Be a Bit Frenzied. What Now?

Stop. Pause. Breathe.

Okay, good. Now, I’m going to ask you to do something that will seem really, really antithetical to what every fibre of your being is screaming to do.

Wait.

Seriously. Just stop, catch your breath, and wait. The best way to let sub frenzy pass is to acknowledge it and consciously decide not to give in to it. Give yourself a time-limit, if you want. “I am not going to play with anyone knew until I have been going to munches for at least three months” works well, or “I am not going to let my next partner collar me until we have known each other for at least a year.”

You know yourself best, so think about what kind of timescale is likely to be realistic. Very broadly, in my entirely anecdotal and observational experience, frenzy will probably take longer than a month but less than a year to pass.

Sub frenzy is normal and it passes. But in order to keep yourself safe and healthy as you explore, you need to practice discipline and patience.

How Can I Scratch the Itch to Submit in a Safe Way?

Join your local community. If you do nothing else right now, get yourself to a BDSM munch (a social gathering of kinky people held in a location like a pub, bar or restaurant.) Meet some people, get to know them, get a sense of who the safe players with good reputations are.

As and when you do meet someone you’d like to play with, learn how to vet a Dom effectively. Sub frenzy can make it tempting to skip the vetting phase, but please don’t. You might also consider playing in an open environment like a kink party to begin with.

Watch some good BDSM porn. Find some tutorial videos and online or even real-world classes. Read erotica (Fifty Shades of Grey and those godawful Gor novels do not count) and write your own, if you want. Fantasise. Masturbate furiously. Read everything you can about the lifestyle and learn, learn, learn.

And most importantly? Slow the fuck down. The scene and all the sexy Dominants will still be there, I promise.

How Will I Know When My Sub Frenzy Has Passed?

This is where knowing yourself well comes in.

When your sub frenzy has passed, your desire to submit will still be there but it will likely be less visceral and immediate. You’ll be able to think through situations with a clear head and make decisions with your own best interests at heart. You won’t want to fall to the feet of every vaguely Domly person you meet. You’ll know some of the red flags of a dangerous Dominant to look out for, as well as the signs of a good one.

Good luck. This too shall pass.

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