Hey there, newbie. I’m going to write this piece to you as I wish someone had written it to me, when I started out in kink close to a decade ago. I want to tell you the things I wish I’d known.
So maybe someone has accused you of having “sub-frenzy?” Or maybe you’ve been cautioned by your new kinky friends that this “frenzy” is something to beware of and avoid?
What is sub-frenzy?
Kayla Lords defines sub-frenzy as “a moment that happens for new submissives, or submissives in new relationships, where they get a little intense about their submission, sometimes to the detriment of their own safety.”
Sub-frenzy can manifest in a variety of ways, from being willing to play with anyone who offers to wanting to call your new boyfriend “Master” RIGHT NOW TODAY. But in a nutshell, it’s such a desperation to submit that common sense and self-preservation fly out of the window.
How will I know if I’m in sub-frenzy?
Are you a new submissive, or a submissive in a new relationship? (Particularly after a period of little or no play?)
Are you so desperate to submit that you’d probably kneel for a brick wall if it would just smack your ass and call you a naughty girl?
Have you played with, or are you tempted to play with, Dominants you barely know just to get the submissive itch scratched?
Have you given, or are you tempted to give, your submission to the next randomer who messages you on Fetlife?
Are you making, or are you tempted to make, decisions that may be detrimental to your health, safety or mental wellbeing out of desire to submit?
Do you feel like you might just GO MAD if you can’t submit to someone right now?
If you said yes to any of the above, you might be in sub-frenzy.
What is this ‘frenzy’ crap? Don’t good submissives want to submit all the time?
Good submissives are not doormats. Real talk time: being so desperate to submit that you make poor decisions is not only really dangerous, it’s also really unattractive to good Dominants.
If you’re looking for a long-term D/s relationship, a good Dominant will want to take time to get to know you and build a relationship with you. Even if you’re only after casual play, desperation isn’t sexy.
Okay, I’ve realised I might be a bit frenzied. What now?
Stop. Pause. Breathe.
Are you breathing? Okay, good. Now, I’m going to ask you to do something that is going to seem really, really antithetic to what every fibre of your being is screaming to do.
Seriously. Just stop and catch your breath and wait. The best way to let frenzy pass is to acknowledge it and consciously decide not to give in to it. Give yourself a time-limit, if you want. “I am not going to play with anyone knew until I have been going to munches for three months” works well, or “I am not going to let my next partner collar me until we have known each other for at least a year.” You know yourself and what kind of timescale is realistic. Very broadly, in my anecdotal experience, frenzy will probably pass in more than a month but less than a year.
Frenzy is normal and it passes. I promise. But in order to keep yourself safe, you need to practice discipline and patience.
How can I scratch the itch to submit in a safe way?
Join your local community. Please. Meet some people, get to know them, get a sense of who the safe players are. If you meet someone you’d like to play with, do so in a public place like a play party to begin with.
Watch some good BDSM porn. Write and read erotica. Fantasise. Wank furiously. Read everything you can about the lifestyle and learn, learn, learn. (Fifty Shades of Grey and the Gor novels do not count.)
How will I know when sub-frenzy has passed?
Your desire to submit, though still there, will be somewhat less visceral and immediate. You’ll be able to think through situations with a clearer head and make decisions with your own best interests at heart. You won’t want to fall to the feet of every vaguely Domly person you meet. You’ll know some of the red flags of a dangerous Dominant to look out for, and the signs of a good one.
Good luck. This too shall pass.
Kinky item of the day: A leash! I loooove leashes. Nothing makes me feel more submissive than being led around by my Domly one. You can buy beautiful ones like the one linked, but if you’re on a budget buying one in the pet store is fine. (Remember: be discreet or you risk involving the store staff in your kink non-consensually!)