I’m a long-time listener of the Multiamory Podcast. So I was excited when host Dedeker Winston announced she was writing a book on polyamory. Dedeker and her co-hosts are funny, wise, insightful and down to Earth on the podcast. As a result, I had high hopes for The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy and Alternative Love.

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory by Dedeker Winston is fresh take on the polyamory advice book genre, with women and female experiences front and centre.

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory by Dedeker Winston: About the Book

The book is grouped into chapters, which are clustered into four sections. There’s Polyamory 101, Pre Reqs, Mastering Non-Monogamy, and Out of the Classroom, Into the World. I read it cover to cover, but you could just as easily dip in and out, picking and choosing the sections that feel most relevant to you.

Polyamory 101

This section covers what polyamory is (and what it isn’t,) some of the different forms that ethical non monogamy can take, and an absolutely fascinating chapter on the socio-cultural and anthropological history of non-monogamy. Dedeker also talks us through some of the common objections to polyamory, from family and friends or from society at large, and possible ways to counter them.

Pre-Reqs

This section deals with self-knowledge, really interrogating who you are, what you want and what makes you tick, as well as the skills required to live a happy and healthy non-monogamous life (it goes beyond just “communicate,” y’all!)

Mastering Non-Monogamy

This is where the real meat of this book is. There’s the expected chapter on jealousy, a whole chapter on sex and the various issues surrounding it, advice on crafting positive and healthy relationship agreements, and more.

Out of the Classroom, Into the World

Finally, this section attemtps to take the theories discussed in previous chapters and apply them in real-world situations. Dedeker discusses polyamorous dating, finding community, and coming out of (or choosing to stay in!) the closet. She also explores how polyamory can intersect with a range of marginalised identities and liberation movements.

Dedeker Winston Centres Women and Writes With Unflinching Honesty

This book is not easy reading at times. Dedeker approaches difficult topics with a light touch and a healthy dose of humour, but there are parts that are unavoidably difficult reading. Though she doesn’t actually use the word, she candidly describes behaviour by a former partner that can only be labelled as abusive.

It’s not all sunshine and light. Dedeker gives us the bad, scary, and unshiny parts of polyamory as well as the love and joy. She challenges us repeatedly to be brave. She invites us to be unfalteringly honest with ourselves and our loved ones, and to do the hard work required to be stronger, better, more compassionate versions of ourselves.

What sets this book apart from the others I’ve read is that women are centred throughout. Dedeker shares her experience on the unique struggles of a polyamorous, queer, sex-positive woman and tackles those challenges head on. She encourages other women to battle outdated gender stereotypes, sex-negativity, slut shaming, rape culture, and the myriad other issues that disproportionately affect women and those read as women in trying to live a non-monogamous life.

But despite this female focus, the book is consistently inclusive. It makes no assumptions about the age, sexuality, gender identity or relationship style of the reader. For this reason, I really think anyone interested in polyamory or consensual non-monogamy can find value in it.

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory by Dedeker Winston: Final Thoughts

Dedeker’s tone is compassionate and non-judgemental throughout The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory. She shares her experiences and wisdom about what tends to work well and what doesn’t. However, she also seems to intuitively understand that everyone’s experience is different and that different relationship styles will work for each person, couple, or polycule.

The guiding principles are self knowledge, strong communication, compassion, honesty, good boundaries, and integrity. And these are applicable in making any style of relationship a success.

Buy The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory by Dedeker Winston from your local bookstore.

Book cover image and author headshot courtesy of the author and reproduced with permission.