Sexting has played a role in my sex life on and off over the years. As someone with a tendency to crush on (and sometimes date) attractive humans who live far away from me, sending and receiving sexy messages is a pretty ideal way to keep sexual connections going, and spark new ones, amidst my busy life. I like to think I’m a pretty good sexter at this point, so I thought I’d share six of my best sexting tips to help you and your partner(s) get more out of your erotic exchanges.
These tips are based on trial, error, experience, common sense, and feedback.
1. Perhaps the Best Sexting (and Sex) Tip of All: Pay Attention
Paying close, attuned attention to your partner(s) is perhaps the most critical part of any sexual encounter. When someone’s words are all you have to go on, and there are no body-language or tone or breathing cues to help you, it’s essential to tune into how they’re actually responding, not how you wish they were responding.
Are you getting a lot of positive feedback? Are they telling you it’s making them wet or hard or distracted? Have they added their own bits to the sexy narrative you’re building together?
If you’re getting one-word (or emoji), vague, or noncommittal responses, it’s probably a good time to pause and check in with your partner to make sure this is working for them. They might need a change of direction for the chat, or it might be time to take a pause or switch to non-sexual conversation for a bit.
2. Mirror Their Words Back to Them
This tip ties into the above: when you’re sexting, what terms does the other person use? How do they refer to their body, their genitals, the acts you’re discussing, or the dynamic between you? Are there particular phrases that come up again and again? Take these cues and mirror similar language back.
Many people have very strong associations with certain words, good or bad. For example, perhaps referring to a person’s genitals as their cunt makes them intensely uncomfortable, but the word “pussy” gets them going. Or vice-versa. Some people would love being called a filthy little slut, while others would find it degrading and demeaning in a negative way and would prefer you to hit them with some of their favourite praise-kink phrases. Take terminology and tone cues from your partner.
3. Keep It Simple
Sexting, despite what tips urging you to “get creative” might imply, is not a good time for flowery prose. (For real, there is no good time for flowery prose in my opinion.) Please leave out the tortured metaphors, cringey euphemisms, and comparisons to flowers or foodstuffs. Unless you want your sexts to be an entry in the Bad Sex Awards, that is.
4. Don’t Be Afraid to Explore New Territory…
Many people find sexting a relatively low-pressure and low-risk environment compared to in-person sex. This can make it the a great way to test out new kinks and fantasies that you might not be sure about.
Perhaps you’re not sure if you’d like something in reality but want to fantasise about it. Maybe something you want to explore in the fantasy realm is impossible or impractical to make into a reality, due to relationship dynamics or logistical challenges or the laws of physics. Or perhaps you’d simply like to try out a new roleplay dynamic, honorific, or kinky persona.
5. …But Move Carefully and With Consent
Don’t make a sudden left turn in the conversation without your partner’s input and consent. If you want to try something new, introduce it gently and get their buy-in before you do. Checking for consent can be a part of the scene and can be sexy in itself.
Pro tip: if you want to introduce something new mid-sexting, try a phrase like:
- “I wonder how you’d react if I…”
- “I kinda want to call you…”
- “How do you feel about…?”
- “I’ve been fantasising a lot about…”
Judge their reaction and proceed accordingly. And if they’re not into it, don’t panic. You can say “thanks for telling me where you’re at” and things can recover and carry on just fine.
6. And Perhaps the Best Sexting Tip I’ve Ever Received: Approach It As a Collaboration, Not a Performance
Again, this is arguably not just a tip for the best sexting of your life, but a tip for sex in general.
Sexting is all about building a scenario, scene, or encounter together with your partner(s). It’s not a monologue or a one-person show. Rather than starting out with an ultra-specific idea of where you want the chat to go, allow it to grow organically. Listen and respond at least as much as you type, and follow the energy wherever it leads.
This is brilliant – an article on sexting that doesn’t automatically equate “sexting” to sending dirty pictures. (That’s not what it is, anyway – that’s photo sharing. Sexting is about text!)
I’ve never sexted, but the principles are the same, in essence, to cybersex – something at which I am scarily adept (and which I keep meaning to write a guide to… alas, I am lazy). But you’ve covered most of the points here. Some things I might add, for what it’s worth, are:
– Don’t interrupt the flow of play, especially if either you or they are nearing climax. There’s time at the beginning to discuss words that you prefer (ref: your point 1; sub ref: your point 2) or hard limits. Even if there wasn’t a lot of preliminary banter, you should have managed to divine this anyway; stopping just to discuss something irrelevant is an instant mood-killer.
– Don’t be too pushy. It’s a dance, not a war. If you’re rôleplaying penetrative sex, then just sticking your cock in before making sure the recipient is sufficiently wet – which isn’t something you should be doing in real life! – is pretty much going to be uncomfortable.
– Do remember that this isn’t real life, so you can explore, but this is an exploration, not a transformation. If you’re not sure what your partner would be comfortable with – ask; don’t just try. I’ve outright closed mIRC due to uncomfortable cybering. If you’re worried about this killing the mood, establish what you’re wanting to do first.
– Equally, be okay with saying no. It’s difficult to really work out how someone is feeling without facial expression or adequate vocalisations, no matter how communicative you are. Sometimes, going silent is just interpreted as “I’m waiitng for more”. If you don’t like what they are doing, say so – don’t just ghost them.
– Finally, a good rule that’s helped me is: one line at a time. Establish it like dialogue: you say something, then them, than you again. Even if it’s just “oh!…”, it shows you’re still responsive, and keeps the action going. I realise that, when you’re using a ‘phone (as opposed to a chatroom) sometimes it can be a little slow, but when it’s your turn, and you have time, keep it up!
– Oh, and keep some tissues handy!
Those are my tips, but as with everything else, sexting is different for everyone. Like the rest of sex, really, you won’t know what you like until you work it out yourself!