Tag: fantasy vs reality

Several BDSM items including leather straps, nipple clamps, and a blindfold on a red background. A length of black rope forms a heart. Text in the middle of the heart reads: A Beginners' Guide to BDSM wearables

A Beginners’ Guide to BDSM Wearables: 7 Types You Should Know

Published on by Amy

When you think of BDSM gear, what comes to mind? You probably thought of ropes, cuffs and other restraints, impact toys such as floggers and paddles, or maybe specialist tools like electro-play toys, chastity devices, or pinwheels. But what about collars, BDSM hoods, gags, and other kinky wearables? BDSM wear is anything you put on your body that’s in some way related to a kink, fetish, or kinky relationship.

There are, of course, tonnes of amazing BDSM and kink activities you can do without any gear or costumes at all. But for some people, slipping on a particular item or piece of clothing (or putting it on a partner) can help them get into, and maintain, the desired headspace for kinky play.

Whether you wear them all the time, just during play, or as part of a kink party outfit, wearables can mark a transition between the vanilla and kink worlds, help to signify your role outwardly to others, or simply make you feel more fully yourself.

These are seven types of BDSM wearables you should know about.

Collars

Collars are perhaps the ultimate BDSM wearable. In the traditional sense, a collar is something you wear around your neck, generally to signify that you’re a submissive in some kind of BDSM dynamic. Materials such as leather, faux leather, suede, and even metal are common. Collars can be obvious or much more subtle, resembling an ordinary necklace. Some collars may not even be collars in the literal sense; I’ve seen people use things like rings, bracelets, or even tattoos as their collars.

Collars can mean all sorts of things. For some people, they’re akin to a wedding ring, signifying a lifelong commitment. To others, they can signify when they’re “in” or “out” of scene space. For example, I have a collar my nesting partner bought for me, and I wear it when I’m in a submissive role during play or at an event. Some people see collars as intensely meaningful, others as nothing more that tools or fashion statements. There’s no right or wrong here; what matters is what they mean to you and your partner(s) if applicable.

By the way: you can also self-collar whether you’re in a relationship or not. I have a collar I bought for myself and when I wear it, it reminds me that my body, mind, heart and choices belong to me and that I am in charge of my life.

BDSM Hoods and Other Sensory Deprivation Wear

Sensory deprivation refers to removing one or more of the senses during play. Some find this can heighten other senses. Others say it quiets the mind, helps them get more into their submissive headspace, or reinforces a sense of helplessness and vulnerability.

Everything from blindfolds and earplugs to full sensory deprivation BDSM hoods and mummification sacks come under the category of sensory deprivation wearables.

Play of this type can be surprisingly intense, so go slowly if you’re new to exploring it. It can also cut off usual avenues of communication, such as eye contact, facial expressions, or auditory clues. Make sure you establish alternative check-ins and safe signals before you start.

Harnesses

Harnesses are wearables made up of a series of straps. They’re commonly made from leather or a faux-leather material, but silicone harnesses are also becoming increasingly popular.

A harness can be decorative, functional, or a mixture of both. They can be full-body or cover just one area, such as the chest, legs, or hands. Some people wear them purely for the aesthetic value, while others enjoy the restrictive sensation some harnesses can offer. They can also act as a symbol of submission or dominance, or as a useful set of anchor points to assist in playing with restraint.

Gags and Muzzles

Gags and muzzles limit or restrict the speech and sounds of the wearer. Many people find this sexy in the context of power exchange. If you’re someone who tends to be loud when you’re playing, they can also be a good way to have fun without scaring the neighbours!

Gags and muzzles can range from simple ball or bit gags to more complex designs that hold the mouth open, all the way up to full-head lockable devices.

If you’re playing with gags, always ensure you adopt a safe signal in place of a safeword in case the submissive needs to stop. You should also take extra care to ensure breathing isn’t restricted.

Pet Play Gear

Pet players are people who enjoy taking on the persona or characteristics associated with an animal during play or as part of a kink relationship. Puppies, kittens, ponies, foxes, cows, and pigs are just some of the animal personas you might see in pet play spaces. Mythical creatures, such as unicorns and dragons, may also come out to play in these spaces.

Pet play BDSM wear includes anything that helps pet players get more into their role and headspace. Think a puppy-themed BDSM hood, a tail, a cat collar with a bell on it, pony ears, and so on.

It’s important to note that pet play is about roleplaying, archetypes, and power dynamics between consenting adult humans. It has nothing to do with actual animals or animal abuse.

Fetish Fabrics

Strictly speaking, almost any fabric can be a “fetish fabric” since the core definition of a fetish is simply deriving sexual arousal from something that is an ordinarily non-sexual object or body part. However, the fabrics and materials most commonly associated with fetishism are things like rubber, PVC, latex, and leather. These fabrics can be used for clothes, accessories, BDSM hoods or blindfolds, and more.

You might be aroused by some aspect of these fabrics themselves, like the feel of rubber or the smell of leather, or by some aspect of how it feels to wear them, such as the constricting nature of latex. Or both! Or neither! You might just like how they look and how you feel in them. I don’t have any particular fabric fetishes, but I still adore my catsuit.

Costumes

If immersive kinky roleplay is your thing, you might get more into your role with costumes. This can be anything from a simple accessory like a hat, through to elaborate get-ups worthy of your local am-dram troupe. Doctors and nurses, teachers, schoolgirls, French maids and Playboy-style bunnies are some of the options you’ll commonly find in sex shops, but the sky’s the limit when it comes to your imagination.

Thanks to Juliet Toys for sponsoring this post. Check out their kink collection of toys and BDSM wear which includes collars, impact toys, BDSM hoods, and much more. All writing and opinions are my own.

A man wearing a checked shirt and jeans sits on a bottom step with his head in his hands. Text reads: How damaging sexual scripts allow abuse of boys to thrive

[Guest Post] How Damaging Sexual Scripts Allow Abuse of “Lucky Boys” to Thrive by Poly Lone Ranger

Published on by Amy

Today’s post by Poly Lone Ranger, AKA James Mosley II (he/him), is an important topic that isn’t talked about anywhere near enough. Heads-up that this one comes with a trigger warning for abuse, rape, and sexual violence. It also discusses sexual scripts and the limiting, gendered, and cisheteronormative societal ideals around sex, bodies, and consent.

Amy x

How Damaging Sexual Scripts Allow Abuse of “Lucky Boys” to Thrive by Poly Lone Ranger

It’s Friday night, and I’m lounging in my room with a beer, fully engrossed in the TV miniseries A Teacher (currently on Hulu). For those who haven’t seen it, the show stars Kate Mara as Claire Wilson, a newly appointed AP high school teacher in her early 30s, and Nick Robinson as Eric Walker, Claire’s 17-year-old student on the cusp of college. What starts as Claire tutoring Eric for the SATs soon turns into an inappropriate intimate relationship between teacher and student.

As I watched, I noticed myself experiencing arousal during Eric and Claire’s interactions—a super unsettling reaction that made me think on how much cultural narratives shape our sexual responses, even when we intellectually recognize something as abusive. So I asked myself why. Why would I feel this way knowing what I was watching was an abuse narrative—a young boy being taken advantage of by someone in power?

Digging deeper, I came across BSc psychology grad Charlotte Houghton’s study Addressing Gender Bias in the Narrative of Teacher-Student Sexual Crimes [2]. Houghton calls out this trope: “Media coverage often portrays abusive female teachers as participants in ‘love affairs’ or ‘romances’ rather than categorizing them as sexual predators, as male teachers are typically labelled.”

That hit me hard. The same thing occurs with pornographic scenes and cultural conditioning. Maybe I wasn’t fantasizing freely on my own, but repeating what society had taught me to see as “desirable” and, in some minds, acceptable.

Why It Matters

According to the CDC as of 2025, one in 20 boys in the U.S. experiences child sexual abuse before adulthood [1]. Yet male victimization is immensely underreported because cultural norms discourage boys and men from seeing themselves as victims of sexual violence.

While most people correctly recognize sexual contact between an adult and a minor as abuse, society often reacts more leniently when the predator is a woman and the victim is a young boy. Dr. Houghton further notes that public perception of adult male teacher/minor female student abuse is overwhelmingly negative, but adult female teacher/minor male student cases are often romanticized or even outright eroticized.

Boys are handed scripts from a young age about what being a man means. These scripts come from the media, family, and peers. These narratives become instructions for how men “should” act in intimate and sexual scenarios, often erasing the acknowledgement of consent, emotional awareness, vulnerability, and the possibility of victimhood.

Let’s unpack seven common sexual scripts that disguise abuse as a normal or even desirable part of male development, silencing young boys while protecting predators.

What Are Sexual Scripts?

So what are sexual scripts? Sexual scripts, a term coined by sociologists John H. Gagnon and William Simon [6] and later expanded by N. Tatiana Masters, Erin Casey, Elizabeth Wells, and Diane Morrison [3], are social manuals teaching people how to conduct themselves intimately and/or sexually. These scripts become performed out on the world stage and are usually enacted subconsciously.

Masters’ study Sexual Scripts Among Young Heterosexually Active Men and Women: Continuity and Change [3] outlines some common male scripts: always desiring sex, initiating it, having strong “sex drives,” being skilled lovers, prioritizing sex over emotional connections, and seeking multiple partners.

Below are seven sexual scripts that help abuse of boys flourish:

  1. Men should always be ready and willing for sex
  2. Men should always initiate sex
  3. Masculinity is synonymous with sexual conquest
  4. Men are supposed to be dominant and in control
  5. Men must be skilled lovers naturally
  6. Men should prioritize penetration and orgasm
  7. Men shouldn’t show emotional intimacy or vulnerability during sex

Script 1: Men Should Always Be Ready and Willing

The assumption that men should always want sex disregards the requirement for them to consent to sex each time. Mark Travers, Ph.D., in Are Men Always Ready & Willing To Have Sex? [7] found that 61% of men reported “mild sexual compliance” in the past year. That is, they said yes to unwanted sexual activity simply because it was expected.

When boys internalize this script, they become easy targets. A teenage boy “going along” with an older woman’s advances may believe he consented, even when his gut said no. Predators can frame abuse as harmless or even generous: she “gave him” a sexual experience he was supposedly lucky to have.

This script primes boys to misinterpret coercion as a natural expectation, and ignores the very power imbalances that enable and normalize abuse.

Script 2: Men Should Always Initiate

From evolutionary “hunter” myths to contemporary media portrayals, boys are told they should pursue and chase everything sexual. When an older woman initiates, the taboo can feel erotic rather than predatory, at least on the surface.

Grooming often disguises itself as a choice. A boy may feel he “chose” the relationship, when in reality he was carefully steered by his abuser. Because society casts men as pursuers, young male victims may convince themselves they always had agency in the dynamic.

This script reinforces the idea that boys can be complicit in their own abuse.

Script 3: Masculinity is Synonymous with Sexual Conquest

When I was in middle school and high school, having sex was the ultimate status symbol among boys. Counting sexual partners became a toxic but common pastime. Masters’ study cites Ethan, a young man who felt it was his “mission” to have sex with “as many girls as I can,” even though it left him feeling unsatisfied. I’ve been there myself.

When masculinity is measured by the number of sexual partners (especially female partners), boys can even be pushed to count sex with a female predator as an accomplishment instead of harmful. Abuse becomes viewed as a trophy rather than a trauma.

Script 4: Men Are Supposed to Be Dominant and in Control

Societal narratives about masculinity conflate it with dominance. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) notes: “male survivors struggle to label abuse as abuse because vulnerability doesn’t
fit the dominant male role” [4]

Boys may interpret sex with an older woman as “being chosen” or “having power”, or “being the man” (as Eric Walker repeatedly says in A Teacher) as even when the power imbalance is stacked against them.

Sexual scripts that reinforce the idea of being a man alongside “dominance” prevents boys from acknowledging when they are in a situation in which they are overpowered or in danger, normalizing abuse under the guise of masculinity.

Script 5: Men Must Be Skilled Lovers Naturally

From medieval chivalry to modern porn, men are told they should already “know” how to perform sexually. This social expectation leaves no room for learning, confusion, or boundaries.

Boys may believe they naturally have components of intimacy such as consent figured out when they don’t. If an older woman initiates, the boy assumes he’s supposed to rise to the occasion and “perform”. He judges himself on skill instead of reflecting on his short life experience and giving himself space to learn, grow, and get to know himself.

Scripts that enforce performance over agency contribute directly to silenced boy victims.

Script 6: Men Should Prioritize Penetration and Orgasm

This script reduces sex to mechanics. Emotional impact and consent barely factor in.

Research on male sexual assault mentions that men often experience erections or ejaculation during assault. NSVRC adds, “Some men may question that sexual assault could have happened if part of it was enjoyable, or if they became physically aroused” [4].

Physical response isn’t consent. Scripts equating orgasm with pleasure or consent dismiss boys’ abuse as enjoyment, enabling predators.

Script 7: Men Shouldn’t Show Emotional Intimacy or Vulnerability

John Wayne. Gary Cooper. Clint Eastwood. From toxically masculine figures in film to emotionally shut-down fathers, boys are often taught, “don’t cry, don’t feel.” Vulnerability during sex is especially off-limits.

NSVRC explains: “men may feel the need to be silent about their abuse because of the internalized belief that men can’t be victims, or that men should not express weakness” [4].

If an older person crosses a line, there is little space for boys to process trauma. They may brag to peers or stay silent—both strategies that bury real harm. Scripts that enforce emotional suppression keep abuse
hidden and unacknowledged.

Sexual Scripts, Abuse, and a Cultural Double Standard

Reactions to abuse differ starkly by gender. Comment sections of headlines online describing female teacher/male student abuse are full of men saying, “where was she when I was in high school?!” While passed off as jokes such remarks excuse predators and erase boys’ victimhood.

Australian and U.S. studies of Facebook comments executed by Kristan Russell, Ph.D. confirm this: attractive female predators are often excused as “pretty women,” while male victims are framed as “lucky blokes” [5].

In Dr. Russell’s study participants read newspaper articles describing a case of a local teacher who engaged in sexual misconduct with a 17-year-old student. When the scenario was an adult female teacher and underage male student, the relationship was viewed to be less harmful to the student, the student to be more mature and responsible, and the relationship to be more acceptable. Society’s double standard hides abuse and shields perpetrators.

Real-World Consequences

These scripts don’t just warp perception. They leave deep scars. Male survivors of childhood sexual abuse face a higher risk of depression, anxiety, intimacy struggles, and substance abuse. Many disclose their experiences only decades later, if ever.

Society’s insistence that boys “enjoyed it” or were “lucky” leads survivors to gaslight themselves, misinterpreting abuse as consensual. Without validation, trauma festers, negatively impacting relationships, self-worth, and mental health.

Beyond Sexual Scripts: What Can We Do About It?

Now the good news is that sexual scripts aren’t permanent. Since they were learned, they can be unlearned.

First we must shift how we view offenses and stop romanticizing and/or eroticizing young male victimization, especially when the abuser is attractive and female. The “lucky boy” narrative isn’t harmless—it shields abuse.

If we want boys to speak up without shame, we must challenge these scripts. Male victimhood is as real and deserving of compassion as female victimhood. Boys who experience abuse deserve protection, recognition, and empathy. Anything less ensures the abuse continues. Until we rewrite these scripts, abuse will continue to hide in plain sight.

Sources & Further Reading

[1] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024, May 16). About child sexual abuse.
National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.

[2] Houghton, C. (2024, March 14). Gender bias in teacher-student sexual crimes. The
Academic. Retrieved August 21, 2025

[3] Masters, N. T., Casey, E., Wells, E. A., & Morrison, D. M. (2013). Sexual scripts among
young heterosexually active men and women: Continuity and change. Journal of Sex
Research, 50(5), 409–420.

[4] National Sexual Violence Resource Center. (n.d.). Understanding male socialization,
stigma, and reactions to sexual violence. National Sexual Violence Resource Center. Retrieved August 21, 2025

[5] Prairie View A&M University. (2021, April 26). Study: Teachers’ gender, sexuality, age
affect perceptions of sexual misconduct of students. Prairie View A&M University.
Retrieved August 21, 2025

[6] Gagnon, J. H., & Simon, W. (1973). Sexual conduct: The social sources of human
sexuality. Aldine Publishing Company.

[7] Travers, M. (2022, May 7). Are men always ready and willing to have sex?
Therapytips.org. Retrieved August 21, 2025

[8] Thomas, J. C., & Kopel, J. (2023). Male victims of sexual assault: A review of the
literature. Behavioral Sciences, 13(4), 304.

About the Writer

James Mosley II, AKA Poly Lone Ranger, is a writer, aspiring sexuality educator & researcher, and a current graduate student at Widener University, where he’s earning his M.Ed in Human Sexuality. He is passionate about non-monogamy, robust sex education, and helping others find and accept their most authentic selves in the realm of sexuality. James is the author of the children’s coloring book, “Coloring Connection VOL 1.” You can find more of his projects at https://beacons.ai/polyloneranger.

Close-up on a pair of bondage handcuffs for a post on medical restraints sponsored by Klinik Bondage

[Guest Post] Restraints for Medical Kink: How and Why Do People Use Them in BDSM? by Lorenz Engel

Published on by Amy

One of the best things about my job? Learning about niche kinks and why people are into the things they’re into. That’s why I’m pleased to be hosting this guest post on medical kink/fetish from Lorenz (he/him), the founder of Klinik Bondage. In it, he shares his unique perspective on medical restraints and the relationship between functionality and desire.

Amy x

Restraints for Medical Kink: How and Why Do People Use Them in BDSM? by Lorenz Engel of Klinik Bondage

Medical kink is a form of erotic roleplay in which participants consensually explore scenarios inspired by clinical or hospital environments. This can include elements like physical exams, medical restraints, latex gloves, or clinical tools—often paired with a strong power dynamic, vulnerability, or the taboo of clinical authority. 

For many, the appeal of this fetish lies in the psychological intensity: the blend of trust, control, and intimacy that comes from simulated “treatment.” Some also enjoy the aesthetic of medical settings, while others find the structure and formality arousing. 

Though comprehensive statistics are limited, the information we do have suggests that medical play is a niche but significant interest in the BDSM community. For example, a 2015 Fetlife user survey by Dr. Brad Sagarin found that around 20% of respondents had engaged in some form of medical fetish play, with many citing its psychological edge and ritualistic nature as central to its appeal.

It is important to note that people with a medical kink do not typically find actual medical treatments arousing. This is an area where fantasy and reality sharply diverge. 

Use of Restraints in Medical Kinks 

People who have a medical kink or fetish sometimes use restraints to enhance the pleasure and power dynamics of these scenarios. For many players, restraints play an integral role in the kink. 

Restraints such as leather cuffs, straps, or handcuffs can be used in role-playing scenarios where the restrained partner submits to the dominant one. The feeling of complete immobilization can make physical sensations more intense and create a more immersive psychological experience. 

As with everything in BDSM and sex, medical play is based on mutual consent. Both/all partners must agree on boundaries, limits, and what activities are and are not on the table. Safewords and clear communication are essential. 

How A Small BDSM Brand is Reinventing This Kink

For years, those interested in medical kink had limited options, often resorting to repurposed hospital equipment or makeshift solutions. However, our small German brand Klinik Bondage has recognized the unique needs of the BDSM community and created purpose-built, high-quality gear for medical players.

At KlinikBondage® we like to think that these key innovations set our products apart:

  • Long-Term Comfort: The restraints are designed for extended wear, with materials that are soft at key pressure points. This prevents discomfort while maintaining immobilization for the submissive partner. 
  • Magnetic Locking System: Klinik Bondage incorporates powerful magnetic locks in our BDSM medical restraints, making them both secure and easy to release with specialized keys. These locks provide an added layer of control, ensuring that only the keyholder can grant freedom. For safety, we strongly recommend always keeping a spare key within reach and never leaving a bound person unattended. Consent, care, and risk mitigation are the foundation of every scene.
  • Customizable Bed Restraints: Klinik Bondage offers a variety of bed restraints that can be adapted to different bed sizes and setups, ensuring a perfect fit for any body and any scene.
  • Premium Materials: Made from high-quality and skin-friendly bio-cotton, our restraints are both durable and washable, making them ideal for long-term play without compromising hygiene or comfort. 

More Than Just a Bed Restraint

While most people associate medical kink restraints with beds, their application in BDSM goes far beyond that. Klinik Bondage offers wrist and ankle cuffs, body harnesses and much more, designed for long-term immobilization, creating a full-body experience that emphasizes helplessness. 

There’s also an increasing interest in self-bondage within medical-themed play. Devices like frost locks—time-release mechanisms using melting ice—allow solo players to experience prolonged immobilization while maintaining an element of safety. The psychological challenge of waiting for release can intensify the experience, adding layers of anticipation and mental endurance.

A word of warning here: solo bondage is a form of edge play and can be dangerous. Never restrain yourself without easy access to a quick-release mechanism for emergencies and a means of calling for help if you need it. And never, ever, ever put any kind of restraint around your neck or do anything to restrict your breathing. 

Exploring the Depths of Control

Medical kink and restraint play in BDSM is not just about physical immobilization—it’s a journey into mental surrender. The feeling of being securely bound in a system designed for absolute stillness can be both calming and intensely erotic. Whether used for roleplay, sensory deprivation, or long-term confinement, medical restraints offer a structured and immersive way to explore deep levels of submission and control. 

More than just a fetish, medical restraints bring a uniquely intense experience of restriction and immobilization to your kinky scenes. 

About the Writer

Lorenz Engel is the founder of Klinik Bondage, a German BDSM brand redefining modern fetish aesthetics. With a background in fiber engineering and a deep passion for the kinky community, he’s been pushing the boundaries of fetish aesthetics since 2020.

Heads up: this post contains sponsored links. All content and views are the writer’s own!

Header image for Tantaly Sex Doll sponsored post

5 Great Reasons to Buy a Sex Doll

Published on by Amy

We’ve been hearing a lot about sex dolls over the last few years. These anthropomorphic sex toys are designed to look and feel like a human body, or part of one. Some sex dolls encompass the entire body. Many more are torso-only or even just a specific body part such as a butt, pelvis and genitals, or pair of breasts. They may be made of silicone, or of another soft and flexible material such as TPE.

(Sex dolls are distinguishable from sex robots. The latter refers to technology incorporating artificial intelligence that can mimic human-like behaviour in a more realistic way. True AI sex robots are still largely theoretical.)

First, let me tell you a couple of things I do NOT believe. First, I do not believe there is an inherent ethical issue in the use of a sex doll, any more than I believe there is one with using a dildo, vibrator, or stroker. However realistic it may look, a sex doll is an inanimate object. It is not a person, it is not sentient, and I have not seen any compelling evidence to suggest that use of these toys leads to the mistreatment or dehumanisation of actual human partners.

I also do not believe a doll can “replace” a human partner, any more than any other sex toy can. A toy or sex doll can give you sexual pleasure. That is its entire purpose! But it cannot hold you after sex, snuggle with you on the couch and watch movies, support your dreams, bring you soup when you’re sick, or take you out on cute dates. The differences between a sex doll and a human partner are so vast and obvious that to me, the idea of the former replacing the latter is just utterly absurd.

Though they’re most commonly marketed to straight, cisgender men, people of all genders and sexualities can (and do) buy and enjoy sex dolls. Here are a few great reasons you might want to consider trying one.

They’re Fun

Duh, right? But ultimately, the purpose of any sex toy is to provide fun and sexual pleasure. Sex dolls are no different. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, keeping up a regular solo sex life is still really important to many people.

Masturbation is healthy and normal. The overwhelming majority of people do it. As long as you follow a few basic safety precautions, it’s a pretty much risk-free way to get your sexual needs met. Using sex toys, including sex dolls, can absolutely be a part of that.

Maintain an Active Fantasy Life

Most people have sexual fantasies of one form or another. These can range from the very simple (thinking about having sex with your crush or going down on your partner) to incredibly elaborate fantasies with a plot and a whole cast of characters. It’s all normal and, as long as you can maintain a clear distinction between fantasy and reality, completely healthy.

Using toys such as sex dolls can help to make your fantasy feel more realistic, allowing you to act out or simulate aspects of it. And if you fantasise about playing with someone with specific physical attributes, you can often find a sex doll that caters to exactly those preferences.

Try Out New Techniques

No matter how long we’ve been sexually active, all of us have so much more we could learn about sex. This is because human sexuality is infinitely varied and often changes throughout people’s lifetimes.

Perhaps you want to try a new sexual position, learn some new oral sex tricks, or perfect your hand sex game. Or perhaps you’ve seen something interesting in a porn clip, read about it, or learned about it during a class and now want to give it a go. Using a sex doll can be a fun way to try out and practice new things which you might want to bring into the bedroom with your current or future partners.

Remember that a sex doll cannot respond or give feedback, but your human partners absolutely can. So get consent and pay attention to their responses at every stage.

Experiment with Threesome Fantasies Risk-Free

Threesomes are one of the most common sexual fantasties, and seem to strike a chord across genders and sexual orientations. However, bringing them to life is not necessarily as easy as it sounds. Finding two people who are both into you and also into each other is just the first hurdle. After that, you’ve also got to navigate three people’s sexual needs as well as handle any unexpected emotional reactions that might come up. Many people who do manage to pull it off find that the reality does not match up to the fantasy.

While it’s definitely not exactly the same thing as bringing in an additional human partner, using a sex doll can allow a couple to simulate a group sex fantasy without the emotional and relational risk that can accompany doing it for real.

They’re More Affordable Than Ever

Historically, quality sex dolls were tremendously expensive. However, they are becoming more and more affordable and options are now available for a range of budgets. A basic doll can start from around $100.

Do you own a sex doll, or do you fantasise about using one? Let us know in the comments what you love about them!

This post was sponsored by Tantaly, purveyors of high-quality torso sex dolls. All writing and views are my own.

chastity belt review header

[Kink Product Review] Oxy Bellatrix Chastity Belt

Published on by Amy

Readers are always asking me for recommendations for chastity belts for people with vulvas (often referred to as female chastity belts.) Something about this kink – being locked up, unable to touch yourself, unable to be penetrated – seems to strike a chord with a lot of people. Perhaps it’s because the idea of giving someone else control over your sexual pleasure and release feels like the ultimate act of submission.

I’ve always been a bit stuck for what to recommend. Cheaper belts tend to not have the desired effect of preventing or inhibiting stimulation. More effective ones tend to be eye-wateringly expensive, easily running to hundreds of dollars. Until now, I haven’t been able to find one that sits at the intersection of effective and relatively affordable.

That’s why, when Oxy (an online kink store with an extensive range) got in touch and invited me to review for them, I jumped at the chance to get my hands on this product.

Bellatrix Chastity Belt

The Bellatrix Chastity Belt is made of stainless steel with silicone surrounds for comfort. The silicone is available in black, white, pink, or blue. I opted for simple, elegant black for mine. It comes with two mini padlocks, each with spare keys, and some spare screws.

Oxy Bellatrix female chastity belt

My belt arrived promptly, discreetly packaged in a plain brown parcel. Due to the shape, the belt comes packaged in two separate main pieces, with bubble wrap packaging protecting it. This means you need to put it together. This can take a few minutes to figure out, but it’s fairly self-explanatory (I found that looking at the picture of the whole piece on the website helped.) Some of the screws are quite small and fiddly, so set up your belt in a space with good lighting and be patient.

All belts are made to order in your size and choice of colour. The lead time is 10-15 days, so plan ahead for this one. You can also use this belt with fitted vaginal and anal plugs, if you wish (sold separately.)

Fit, Comfort and Care

My Bellatrix Chastity Belt runs true to size and they’re also quite adjustable. So don’t worry if you gain or lose some weight. Though they’re made to your sizing specifications, there’s always multiple settings so you can tighten or loosen it if you need to.

Oxy Bellatrix female chastity belt
Oxy Bellatrix female chastity belt
Oxy Bellatrix female chastity belt

It’s also more comfortable than I really expected it to be. It sits comfortably around the waist, and the silicone stops the stainless steel from digging into your skin while you’re wearing it. You can wear it directly against your body, or over an item of clothing such as underwear or skin-hugging trousers if you prefer. The plate that sits directly over the vulva has lots of small airholes in it, allowing your body to breathe and helping to prevent overheating.

The Bellatrix Chastity Belt is made of body-safe and non-porous materials which are easy to clean. Wash your belt between wears with warm soapy water, dry it off as well as you can, and then leave it to dry completely. You can also give it a quick interim clean with a body-safe sterile wipe.

Does It Work?

I’ve tried cheaper chastity devices and those made of softer materials, such as leather, in the past. Though sexy as part of a fantasy, none of them were really effective insofar as actually preventing the wearer from touching themselves.

In this regard, the Bellatrix Chastity Belt absolutely delivers. Once it’s properly fitted, the wearer has no way to reach their vagina and clitoris. So yes, it works beautifully.

Is it Suitable for Long-Term Wear?

For many people, the fantasy of a chastity belt is that their partner locks them in and simply leaves them in it for days, weeks… or even months or years. While this is hot in theory, it’s really not practical in reality.

Though it’s theoretically possible for people with penises, it’s possibly risky long term (particularly if you’re regularly wearing the device overnight.) And for people with vulvas, I’m just not at all sure it’s physically possible. Long-term wear of even the most comfortable and well-fitted chastity belt is likely to cause rubbing and chafing after a while. Having stainless steel and silicone around your bits for too long can cause excess sweating and the trapping of bacteria, which could lead to infections such as thrush, yeast infections, and bacterial vaginosis (BV.) Of course, blocking the vagina also harms its ability to keep itself clean.

Oxy Bellatrix female chastity belt

Full chastity belts can also inhibit your ability to wipe or wash properly after going to the bathroom. So if you’re going to wear it long term, you’ll need to be fastidious about hygiene and probably remove it completely at least once a day to wash yourself and the belt.

Honestly, I think true permanent or very-long-term chastity is in the realm of “doesn’t work in reality.” So no, this belt isn’t truly suitable for long-term continuous wear, but I don’t believe there’s a device in existence that is. That’s no shade to the product (which is excellent) at all. That’s just physiology.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a hell of a lot of fun with the fantasy! In my experience, kink is really not about what is literally true or possible. It’s about playing with ideas, with dynamics, with emotions and desires and the hidden parts of ourselves. Toys and accessories are tools we use to help ourselves get into those mindsets and bring those fantasies to life. Our minds and bodies have to do the rest of the work.

A Few Fun Ways to Play with a Chastity Belt

Curious about chastity play but not sure where to start? I thought it would be fun to include a few ideas to get you started. As always, take what works for you, modify as you like, and leave the rest!

Oxy Bellatrix female chastity belt

  • If you go to kink events such as play parties, wearing or having your submissive partner wear a chastity belt at one of these events can add a hot semi-public aspect to your play.
  • Have your partner wear the belt and then tease them by touching every other erogenous part of their body. How long will it be before they beg you to unlock them?
  • If you’re playing solo, wear the belt and then do everything you can to turn yourself on. See how long you can stand it before you just have to take it off and touch yourself.
  • Ahead of a date, have the submissive partner wear the belt. The dominant partner can then text them all kinds of sexy thoughts to turn them on.

A quick note on safety: if you’re going to play with this belt when the wearer and keyholder aren’t physically together, always make sure the wearer has a spare key for emergencies.

Verdict

Sexy and huge fun! I’m really impressed with this belt. It’s well made with body-safe materials, does the job well, and is comfortable to wear. Top marks all around.

The Bellatrix Chastity Belt retails for $130 (that’s just under £110). This is honestly a very competitive price point for a stainless steel belt that is custom made for your measurements.

Thanks to Oxy for sending me this item to review. All opinions and experiences are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this post. If you make a purchase from Oxy with them, I make a small commission at no extra cost to you.

Header image for audio erotica sponsored blog post for SofiaSins

How Audio Erotica is Making Smut More Inclusive

Published on by Amy
Sofia Sins logo

Do you prefer to read your smut or watch it? Some people love written erotica, others love visual porn, and many of us enjoy a mixture of the two. But now there’s a third option that’s making waves and taking the adult industry by storm: enter audio erotica! 

Here are a few of the ways that audio erotica is making smut more welcoming, more inclusive, and more enjoyable for everyone. 

More ways to consume

Many people find written or visual porn inaccessible for various reasons. For example, for people who are blind or visually impaired, traditional porn videos are likely to be somewhat or completely inaccessible. While many sites offering written smut, such as Literotica, can be used via a screen reader, that’s not necessarily a super sexy or appealing option. 

But audio erotica opens up a whole new avenue of smutty enjoyment. The best audio smut is narrated by skilled voice performers with sexy voices (which can, of course, mean different things to different people.) Because quality erotica is for everyone, regardless of ability and whether they choose to watch it, read it, or listen to it. 

Pleasure focused and sex positive 

Much of the audio porn currently on the market seems to have been created by women and with female pleasure in mind. Whenever I’ve engaged with audio porn I’ve found the stories to be pleasure focused, consent minded, and overall sex positive. They feature safe and mutually pleasurable sexual scenarios. And when stories do feature an element of coercion roleplay or consensual non-consent, it’s generally made clear that they are fantasy, not reality. 

So much mainstream porn is focused on male pleasure and the male gaze. But audio smut creators understand that women, non binary folks, and queer people want quality erotic content just as much as cis men do… and they’re giving it to us! 

I’ve also found that audio porn trends much less towards using dehumanising terminology and artificial categorisation. Mainstream porn sites often use terms that are problematic at best, and downright sexist, ageist, racist, or transphobic at worst. I haven’t seen the same issue in the audio smut world. 

More options for creative scenarios

Don’t get me wrong, porn makers and performers can get VERY creative! But ultimately, visual content will always be limited by what’s possible (and affordable) to pull off on screen. Audio porn, though, allows for almost anything that the writers and creators can dream up. So if immersing yourself in a futuristic, fantastical, or historical scenario sounds up your street, or you fantasise about sexual acts that are physically or biologically impossible, you can find all of those things and so much more. 

More surreptitious

You (probably) wouldn’t watch visual porn while on the Tube or walking to work, right? And while it’s possible to sneakily read written erotica via a Kindle or smartphone app, there’s always the danger of someone looking over your shoulder. 

Audio porn, though, can be completely discreet. Just choose your story, pop your headphones in, and no-one will be any the wiser. You could be listening to the morning news or a perfectly innocent podcast, for all they know! 

This is also particularly useful for those who live with family, have roommates or children at home, or even have a partner who gives them grief about consuming erotic content. (I’ll argue forever that porn and masturbation aren’t cheating, but I know that’s a losing battle with some people.) Audio smut allows you complete privacy. 

Can be more ethical

There’s a huge amount of fantastic feminist, queer, consensually-produced ethical porn out there. I enjoy visual porn, but at this point I prefer to access it either from production companies I trust or directly from the performers themselves. 

For the average consumer, though, the “tube” sites are still by far the most popular way to access traditional porn. And while these sites do contain some good and ethically produced content, they’re also rife with stolen clips and even non-consensual videos. 

If you’ve ever watched mainstream porn and wondered whether the performers are really consenting or being abused or coerced, you’re not alone. It’s a real and valid concern. Audio smut means you can relax in the knowledge that no-one has been harmed for your enjoyment. 

Allowing you to insert yourself into the fantasy

When it comes to visual porn, it’s often more about the scenario than the individual performers for me. I find a wide range of body types and genders attractive, after all. However, sometimes I find myself distracted because I want to insert myself into the fantasy being played out on the screen, but I can’t find scenarios I like with bodies that look like mine. But when all I’ve got to work with is a voice, I can envision the main characters looking however I want them to look. Instead of the pretty narrow standards set by mainstream porn, you’ve suddenly got a whole world of potential. 

Audio porn makes it easier to mentally put yourself into the scenario. Since the action all takes place in your ears and your mind, you can immerse yourself and place yourself into whichever role takes your fancy. Do you want to be the whip-wielding Domme, the helpless maiden, or a member of the couple exploring group sex for the first time? Now you can! 

Sofia Sins actually takes this premise a step further. When you choose the story you want to listen to, you can read a little bio for each of the main characters and decide whose perspective you want to hear. 

Do you listen to audio porn? Whether it’s your go-to or you’re just curious, I’d love to know what about it appeals to you. 

FYI: today’s post was sponsored by Sofia Sins, a new audio erotica platform from the folks behind Sofia Gray. You can enjoy a 3 day free trial to see if you like it. After that, a subscription is just $4.99 per month or $49.99 per year. All views, as always, are my own! 

Wedding cake with bride and groom toppers, for a post about The Bold Type's Suttard and incompatibilities around wanting children

On “Suttard,” Fundamental Incompatibilities, and Happy Ever After

Published on by Amy1 Comment

This post contains spoilers for all five seasons of The Bold Type! Stop reading now if you don’t want to be spoilered.

Like many fans of Freeform’s The Bold Type, which just finished its fifth and final season, I was rooting for a happy outcome for Sutton Brady-Hunter and Richard Hunter (known collectively by the fandom as “Suttard.”) They’re the best straight couple on the show by far, from their Bluetooth vibrator sex date to their incredible Paris reunion in the season 2 finale.

At the end of season 4, the newly married couple have a blow-out argument when Sutton realises she doesn’t want to have children, causing Richard – who longs to be a dad – to leave her and then (at the beginning of season 5) begin divorce proceedings.

Over the course of the final season, Sutton destroys her wedding dress, throws a “divorce party,” starts therapy, and quits drinking in an attempt to get over Richard. Then they meet up to swap divorce papers, predictably fall into bed with each other, and Richard realises how much he loves her and that he doesn’t want a life without her, even if it means giving up his dream of having children.

So far, so romantic? But…

Fundamental incompatibilities

No two people will ever be perfectly aligned on every issue or desire. That’s impossible because we’re all multifaceted, nuanced, and complex creatures. But there are, I believe, a few fundamentals. Things you need to agree on (or at least be genuinely, wholeheartedly happy to compromise on) in order to have a functional relationship.

Having children is one of those things. (Others might include getting married or not, being monogamous or not, and possibly even political affiliation.)

Some things are just deal breakers. Some things should be deal-breakers. Because in reality, much as we want to believe that love conquers all, it doesn’t. Love doesn’t conquer wanting different things in uncompromisable situations. You can’t have half a child. You can’t be half married. Love, however real and powerful, doesn’t make these incompatibilities go away or create the potential for a compromise where there is none.

Fairytale endings: fantasy vs. reality

I’m glad the writers chose to end The Bold Type the way they did. Ultimately, this show is escapist fantasy – a Sex & the City for millennials with little grounding in the real world. Suttard fans were crushed when the couple split up and were rooting for them to get back together and somehow find a way through their conflicting desires.

The writers gave us what we wanted. Find me a single fan who didn’t let out a collective “awwww” at this moment:

GIF of Richard Hunter and Sutton Brady (Suttard)

But it really is just fantasy. In reality, fairytale endings like this don’t happen. Or if they do, they cause intense resentment and bigger problems down the line.

I admit that I struggle to relate to Richard, personally. As someone who decided early on that I will be childfree for life, I find it very difficult to imagine wanting to have children more than wanting to be with the person I love. (And my god, these two really do love each other – Meghann Fahy and Sam Page have incredible on-screen chemistry!)

But many people do feel like that, and it’s valid and real. Many people want to be a parent more than anything, even if it means they can’t be with the person they thought was their forever person. And those people can’t just switch that off the way Richard seems to in this too-neat-to-be-real happy ever after.

Happy endings don’t exist

A much younger, more naive version of me thought that I’d find a happy ending someday. When I left my abuser and fell in love with Mr CK, I wondered if I’d found it – if everything would be plain sailing from here.

What I can tell you now, years later, is that no. I hadn’t found a happy ending. Not because this relationship isn’t wonderful. It was then and it is now. But because happy endings of the fairytale kind don’t exist.

Real relationships require constant communication, ongoing compromise, and recalibration as you both grow and change. You can decide to be together, to commit, to go all-in, but that doesn’t take away from the very real work required to make love work long term.

Love is messy, love is nuanced, love is the best thing in the world. But it is not magical. It does not remove all obstacles or effortlessly sweep them aside. And some obstacles are too big to overcome.

So I’ll enjoy the Suttard happy ending for what it is: escapist fantasy wrapping up five seasons of escapist fantasy. But I’m glad it’s not real. Because as much as I want someone to love me for the rest of my life, I would never want them to give up their greatest dream to be with me.

This post contains affiliate links. If you buy through them, I make a small commission at no extra cost to you.