Tag: fantasy vs reality

Woman peeking over the top of a book for a post about why reading erotic stories is good for you

5 Reasons Why I Read Erotica (and You Should Too!)

Published on by Amy3 Comments

When I first started this blog, it was not cool to admit to reading erotic stories and enjoying them. Historically, erotica got a bad rap. Anything connected to sex tended to be – and occasionally still is – treated as dirty or shameful. Even now, as a pastime that is disproportionately enjoyed by women, reading so-called “spicy” books and writing erotic stories is often seen as something silly and frivolous.

At the time of editing, it’s been 14 years since Fifty Shades of Grey made E.L James a household name, but people were still trying to convinve each other they read this inexplicably-bestselling drivel for the gripping plot well into the 2020s. This post, in its original form, was a kind of defence of erotica. Over the last few years, though, the rise of phenomena like “romantasy” and #BookTok have made erotica well and truly mainstream.

Despite the Fifty Shades effect and still-pervasive stereotypes, not all erotica is abusive billionaires masquerading as Doms. Not all erotica is bad fanfiction. In fact, there are some truly wonderful smutty stories out there and I firmly believe that reading erotic fiction can be good for you. Masturbation is healthy, pleasure matters, and I am thrilled that erotica is having a mainstream moment. Here’s why.

Reading Erotic Stories is a Safer Way to Explore Fantasies and Limits

Reading about something is generally infinitely safer than doing it.

If you have a kink, fantasy, or sexual interest you can’t or don’t want to explore in reality, reading erotic stories about it can be great way to scratch that itch. You can’t get hurt by reading about something. No-one else’s consent is required. And no, it’s not cheating.

Reading about various kinds of sex is also a good way to discover your kinks, understand more about your internal erotic landscape, and explore in a low-pressure setting if you’re not sure whether something will work for you or not.

And in case you’re wondering: yes, it’s fine (and normal) to get turned on by something in fiction that you wouldn’t want to actually do in real life.

Fiction Can Introduce You to New Erotic Ideas, Archetypes, and Roles

I was reading erotic fiction with dominance and submission themes long before I was practicing BDSM in real life. Erotica helped me to discover the types of scenarios that interested me, the names and words that turn me on… and also the things that completely leave me cold. Reading and enjoying sapphic erotica was also a huge part of coming to accept my own queerness.

Erotica can introduce you to kinks you never knew existed, make you feel less alone in your sexual interests, or even help to open up lines of communication about kinks, fantasies and erotic ideas with your partner (more about that in a minute.)

For women, queer folks, trans people, kinksters, and anyone else whose identity is marginalised, spicy books or erotic stories online may be the first place we ever see sexuality like ours represented.

It Can Turn You On and Get You Off (Obviously)

This is perhaps the most obvious reason to read erotic stories, but it’s also still surprisingly taboo to say. Enjoying sexual arousal and pleasure for its own sake is a good thing.

For people with responsive sexual desire, erotic stimulus (such as making out or talking dirty with a partner or consuming erotic content) can not only heighten desire, but may be necessary to creating it in the first place. Whether you’re looking to turn yourself on for a lengthy solo or partnered sex session or have a quick orgasm before you go to sleep, erotica can help get you there.

Reading or Sharing Erotic Stories Can Improve Sexual Communication

Sharing the erotica you enjoy can be a great way to share what turns you on with your partner. Perhaps saying out loud that you want to be submissive in the bedroom feels scary, but pointing them to a story with those themes feels like an easier way into the negotiation.

Reading erotica together, or even reading it aloud to each other, can also be an incredibly hot time.

And, Yes, the Plots Can Be Good!

I don’t (usually) read smut for the story. But there are definitely erotic stories and novels out there that have compelling plots, engaging characters, and other things to recommend them besides the steamy scenes.

Where Can You Find Good Erotica?

Spicy books are often associated with, and primarily marketed to, cis women. However, erotica is for everyone. Regardless of your gender, orientation, and particular interests or kinks, there’s bound to be something in the wide world of smutty stories that appeals to you. And if no-one has written the story you want to read? Well, why not give it a go?

Erotica is tremendously personal and we all like different things. I’m not going to recommend personal favourites as they may not do anything for you.

Check out the erotica or romance section at your local bookshop. Check out #Bookstagram or #Booktok for recommendations. Follow readers’ groups on Facebook or Reddit, or check out the “Spicy” category on Goodreads.

If you want to read free erotic stories online, Literotica is probably the largest repository. Thousands of amateur writers have uploaded more than half a million stories for you to enjoy. There’s a lot of crap, of course, but some gems too. You can search by category, keyword, or tags. If you like your erotica with a side of visuals, why not check out some adult graphic novels?

If you have a Kindle, there are thousands of erotic novels, novellas, and stories ranging from free to a few dollars each. The Kindle Unlimited subscription allows you to rent some of them for free. Prefer to listen rather than read? Check out audio erotica.

Finally, of course, read your favourite sex bloggers, many of whom publish smutty true or fictional stories.

A hand holding a mobile phone, header for a post about sexting tips

6 Tips for Amazing Sexting

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Sexting has played a role in my sex life on and off over the years. As someone with a tendency to crush on (and sometimes date) attractive humans who live far away from me, sending and receiving sexy messages is a pretty ideal way to keep sexual connections going, and spark new ones, amidst my busy life. I like to think I’m a pretty good sexter at this point, so I thought I’d share six of my best sexting tips to help you and your partner(s) get more out of your erotic exchanges.

These tips are based on trial, error, experience, common sense, and feedback.

1. Perhaps the Best Sexting (and Sex) Tip of All: Pay Attention

Paying close, attuned attention to your partner(s) is perhaps the most critical part of any sexual encounter. When someone’s words are all you have to go on, and there are no body-language or tone or breathing cues to help you, it’s essential to tune into how they’re actually responding, not how you wish they were responding.

Are you getting a lot of positive feedback? Are they telling you it’s making them wet or hard or distracted? Have they added their own bits to the sexy narrative you’re building together?

If you’re getting one-word (or emoji), vague, or noncommittal responses, it’s probably a good time to pause and check in with your partner to make sure this is working for them. They might need a change of direction for the chat, or it might be time to take a pause or switch to non-sexual conversation for a bit.

2. Mirror Their Words Back to Them

This tip ties into the above: when you’re sexting, what terms does the other person use? How do they refer to their body, their genitals, the acts you’re discussing, or the dynamic between you? Are there particular phrases that come up again and again? Take these cues and mirror similar language back.

Many people have very strong associations with certain words, good or bad. For example, perhaps referring to a person’s genitals as their cunt makes them intensely uncomfortable, but the word “pussy” gets them going. Or vice-versa. Some people would love being called a filthy little slut, while others would find it degrading and demeaning in a negative way and would prefer you to hit them with some of their favourite praise-kink phrases. Take terminology and tone cues from your partner.

3. Keep It Simple

Sexting, despite what tips urging you to “get creative” might imply, is not a good time for flowery prose. (For real, there is no good time for flowery prose in my opinion.) Please leave out the tortured metaphors, cringey euphemisms, and comparisons to flowers or foodstuffs. Unless you want your sexts to be an entry in the Bad Sex Awards, that is.

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Explore New Territory…

Many people find sexting a relatively low-pressure and low-risk environment compared to in-person sex. This can make it the a great way to test out new kinks and fantasies that you might not be sure about.

Perhaps you’re not sure if you’d like something in reality but want to fantasise about it. Maybe something you want to explore in the fantasy realm is impossible or impractical to make into a reality, due to relationship dynamics or logistical challenges or the laws of physics. Or perhaps you’d simply like to try out a new roleplay dynamic, honorific, or kinky persona.

Don’t make a sudden left turn in the conversation without your partner’s input and consent. If you want to try something new, introduce it gently and get their buy-in before you do. Checking for consent can be a part of the scene and can be sexy in itself.

Pro tip: if you want to introduce something new mid-sexting, try a phrase like:

  • “I wonder how you’d react if I…”
  • “I kinda want to call you…”
  • “How do you feel about…?”
  • “I’ve been fantasising a lot about…”

Judge their reaction and proceed accordingly. And if they’re not into it, don’t panic. You can say “thanks for telling me where you’re at” and things can recover and carry on just fine.

6. And Perhaps the Best Sexting Tip I’ve Ever Received: Approach It As a Collaboration, Not a Performance

Again, this is arguably not just a tip for the best sexting of your life, but a tip for sex in general.

Sexting is all about building a scenario, scene, or encounter together with your partner(s). It’s not a monologue or a one-person show. Rather than starting out with an ultra-specific idea of where you want the chat to go, allow it to grow organically. Listen and respond at least as much as you type, and follow the energy wherever it leads.