This is the last post in my “five love languages for kink” series, and today we’re talking acts of service. I deliberately left this one until last. Out of the five love languages from the original framework, it is perhaps the easiest to apply to a kink and BDSM context. After all, service submission is a whole kink in and of itself! If your partner speaks this love language and you want some ideas for how to apply acts of service to your dominance or submission, keep reading.
What is the Acts of Service Love Language?
The acts of service love language can best be summed up as “actions speak louder than words.” It’s all about doing things for the other person, and specifically things that reduce their workload or make their life easier. This love language prioritises thoughtfulness and care in the small, day to day things that improve someone’s quality of life.
Wait, Isn’t Service Part of Submission? How Can a Dominant Perform Acts of Service!?
Many people might assume that a submissive wouldn’t want to receive love through acts of service. They might think that it would undermine a D/s relationship for a Dominant to show love in this way. But this is a pretty reductive understanding of both this love language, and D/s relationship dynamics. Service doesn’t have to be synonymous with submission or subservience.
The Five Love Languages site suggests things like doing the dishes, collecting their mail, and getting up in the middle of the night for childcare duties as acts of service partners can do for one another. At their core, acts of service are just about taking care of each other. And if you’re a Dominant, I believe that one of the most important parts of your role is taking care of your submissive.
Exactly what “care” means in this context is, of course, open to interpretation and will depend upon your dynamic. A Daddy Dom will likely care for their submissive in a different way to a sadist, and a pet player will show care differently to an Owner in an Owner/property dynamic.
So, yes, making your submissive dinner might be considered an act of service. You can do this out of love and to show care. You can also frame it as an act of dominance, if you like. Think of it like this: your submissive is your most cherished possession. That means taking care of them (for example, by making sure they get proper nourishment) is paramount. Taking a chore off their hands when they’re exhausted, running an errand to save them time on a busy day, or picking up their medication for them can all be acts of service to show your partner that they’re loved and ways of taking care of your favourite toy. As a Dominant, acts of service coming from you aren’t submission, they’re care.
Even though you’re in a relationship based on dominance and submission, it’s still a relationship. You might have negotiated an unequal power imbalance, but you both still exist in the real world. In that world you need to be equal human beings with responsibilities that you take on together. Shouldering your fair share of the load is not only both attractive (and Dominant) as hell, but necessary to keep a relationship healthy and functioning.
Service Submission and Other Acts of Service Ideas for Submissives
Service, in the context of performing acts of service as submission, is very often a part of a D/s relationship. This will look different in every relationship, and if service submission is your thing (or your partner loves receiving it and you’re happy to give it,) you’ll need to negotiate what that looks like for you.
Ask your Dominant, if they haven’t already told you, what specific forms of service work best for them. Perhaps you always make their drink in the morning or iron their favourite shirt. Maybe you polish their boots before a party or have dinner on the table when they get back from work.
Try to balance routine and flexibility. Routine can help to build a dynamic and a submissive headspace, as well as showing consistency and reliability. But flexibility is essential when circumstances, people, and needs inevitably change (which they will.)
Acts of service submission can also relate directly to your kinky play. Cleaning toys after a session, coiling your Dominant’s rope in the way they like it, or making sure you have their favourite brand of lube before they come over all count as acts of service. Sexual service, if you’re into that, can also be incredibly hot.
Acts of Service Ideas for All Roles and Dynamics
Regardless of your role or dynamic in your relationship, the keys to successful acts of service are:
- Doing things without being asked, at least sometimes.
- Going above and beyond the usual call of duty.
No-one expects you to be a mind-reader and know exactly what your partner wants without them asking. But you probably know them at least reasonably well, so use that knowledge to find little ways to perform service for them without being prompted.
Run to the store when you’ve run out of milk before they get up and make their morning coffee. Put a hot water bottle in bed for them on a cold night. Make them lunch before a long work day. Do the chore that’s usually theirs when they’ve had a long day. The significance here isn’t in grand gestures, but in finding little everyday ways to show consideration, love, and service through your submission or dominance.
“Above and beyond” just means that doing the expected 50%-ish of shared relationship and domestic labour isn’t enough by itself (though it is important!) You need to go a step beyond that at least sometimes. If your partner’s love language is acts of service, the quickest way to make them feel unloved and unseen is to do the bare minimum you can get away with.
“You might have negotiated an unequal power imbalance but you both still exist in the real world, and in that world you need to be equal human beings with responsibilities that you take on together.” This is so important! Thank you for saying this!