This is the first in a mini-series of posts where I explore the five love languages as they can relate to kink and BDSM, and today we’re talking sweet yet kinky things to say to a Dominant or submissive whose love language is words of affirmation.
If you don’t know your main love language, take the quiz to find out. The model is imperfect, in that it assumes monogamy and offers quite a limited framework for relationships, but it’s a useful starting point for exploring how you like to give and receive love. Most of us will connect with most or all of the languages to some extent, but have one or two that stand out.
What is the Words of Affirmation Love Language?
People whose primary love language is words of affirmation like to hear that you love and value them. They like to be told explicitly, out loud, and in detail not only that you love them, but why. Of course, you will also need to back up your words with actions.
Let’s look at some of the things you can say to a kinky partner who has this love language.
Kinky Things to Say to a Submissive Who Loves Words of Affirmation
Do the words “good girl,” “good boy,” or equivalent make your submissive partner melt? Will they do anything for your praise? If so, their love language might be words of affirmation. Be generous with your words, be free with your praise, and never assume they know how I feel so I don’t need to say it. They might know how you feel, but they still want to hear it.
Tell them “I’m so proud of you” when they accomplish something. Say “you look so hot kneeling for me like that” during a scene. Compliments (on their achievements, talents, character, accomplishments, looks) should be given freely and often.
A submissive who needs words of affirmation is likely to need verbal reassurance sometimes, too. They might need to hear that you love them, that you value them, and that they’re not too much or too needy. If you’re in a non-monogamous dynamic, they’re likely to need verbal reassurance if they experience jealousy.
Writing tasks were made for submissives with this love language. Have your partner write down fantasies, reflect on your dynamic in a daily journal, or write down mantras to increase their confidence in themselves. You could even set “lines” as a punishment, if that’s a part of your relationship.
Make sure everything you say is genuine and heartfelt. A person who speaks this love language can tell when you’re parroting lines with no feeling behind them.
Kinky Things to Say to a Dominant Who Loves Words of Affirmation
People tend to forget that Dominants have emotional needs, too. Praise kinks are most often associated with submissives, but a Dom is just as likely as a sub to speak the words of affirmation love language.
A Dominant who is into words of affirmation might love to hear lots of verbal feedback during and after play. Don’t go overboard or fake it, but a well-timed “that feels so good” or “this is making me so hard/wet” is likely to go over well. After play, general words of appreciation (“I needed that so much, thank you”) or specific compliments (“the way you handle the whip is so sexy”) can make them glow.
It’s amazing how many submissives forget this: compliment your Dom! Tell her the way she looks in those boots makes you go weak at the knees. Make sure they know how much you admire their skills with rope. Tell them you love their laugh, their kindness, their devotion to their family, or their quirky sense of humour. Just pick something genuine and say it out loud.
However confident and stoic they seem, Doms can also feel insecure, jealous, sad, or lonely. Check in with your partner regularly as a fellow human being who cares about them. Remind them they’re loved, learn about their needs, and let them be vulnerable with you.
Finally, if your D-type sets you a writing task, do it promptly and to the best of your ability.
Words of Affirmation: Tips That Work For Anyone
It’s fun to say hot and kinky things to your partner, but remember to speak this language in other ways, too. Remind them of your confidence, faith, and pride in them. Build them up before an important event, celebrate their achievements, and help to lift their spirits when they’re down.
Don’t underestimate the power of written words, too. If you live apart (or even if you don’t!), a sweet “good morning” text or a message to say you’re thinking about them could make their whole day. Love letters, cute notes left around the house or slipped into their bag, and heartfelt cards on special occasions will be cherished.
Sexting was made for relationships between people who communicate their love in words. Share a fantasy, tell your partner about a sexy dream you had, or spin an elaborate scene together.
Most importantly, say “I love you.” Seriously. Say it often and say it with your entire heart. No-one who speaks the “words of affirmation” language will get tired of hearing it.
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