Tag: non binary

Header image for book review of How Do I Sexy? by Mx Nillin Lore

[Book Review] How Do I Sexy? By Mx Nillin Lore

Published on by Amy

I’ve known Mx. Nillin Lore (they/them) a little bit through the online sex writing community for some time, and have long admired their views, writing style, and queer, trans-centric approach to sex education and advocacy. So when they told me they were writing a book and approached me to review it, of course I was going to say yes.

How Do I Sexy? A Guide for Trans and Nonbinary Queers by Mx. Nillin Lore is both a practical guidebook for queer, trans and non-binary sexuality and a kind of manifesto for how sex, intimacy, and the concept of “sexy” could be if we all looked beyond the cisheteropatriarchal norms we’ve been fed from birth.

Nillin asks, “what even is ‘sexy’ and how do you do it?” This book is their attempt at answering that question. The book also includes a forward by Sophie Labelle, best known for her webcomic Assigned Male. Sophie also designed the book’s playful, inviting cover.

What the Book Covers

You’ll find both theoretical and practical content in How Do I Sexy?

The first chapter explores the “Ventura Effect,” or how the transphobia in the 1994 movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective played a role in keeping Nillin in the closet until they were in their mid 20s – and, more broadly, the role that transphobia and queerphobia in popular media plays in shaping queer youngsters’ views of themselves and a cultural landscape that often includes bullying, harassment, discrimination, dehumanisation, violence, and even murder.

Chapter 2 unpacks the idea of “sexy”. What is it? Why is it so limited by mainstream beauty norms? And what are just some of the myriad things people can find sexy? It also covers self-image, embracing oneself as a sexy and sexual being, finding what makes you personally feel sexy, and unpacking all the different kinds of attraction that exist.

Chapters 3 and 4 start to delve more deeply into practical and actionable advice. Chapter 3 deals with the fear, shame, guilt and insecurity that many of us struggle with around our sex lives, desires, genders, and sexualities. It offers both validation and practical strategies on how to start tackling your critical inner voice and the internalised beliefs that aren’t serving you. Chapter 4 invites you to come up with personal mantras that summarise your core values around sex and sexuality. These will serve as guiding lights for how you want to live your best sexy life.

Chapter 5 covers traditional gender roles and society’s toxic ideals, from passing pressure for trans people to the relationship escalator. It offers insights into the negative ways these realities impact queer and trans people. There’s also advice and encouragement on overcoming and consciously rejecting them.

Chapter 6 covers outward presentation and the different ways people might dress and present to feel sexy and affirmed. You’ll find information on affirming prosthetics, underwear and lingerie for trans folks, using makeup for self-expression, and detailed advice on measuring yourself for well-fitting clothing as well as just some of the archetypes and variations of LGBTQ+ self-presentation that are available to pick and choose from. It’s definitely given me some inspiration and ideas for new looks and styles I might like to try.

Chapter 7 covers the nuances of dating, flirting, and finding community. These things can be wildly different when you’re queer or trans (or kinky or non-monogamous). As such, a lot of the typical mainstream dating advice doesn’t really apply. From navigating dating apps and staying safe when meeting people to bigoted “preferences”, flirting tips, and handling rejection.

Chapter 7 is all about queer-affirming sex and how to have it. You’ll learn what it means to be queer and trans-affirming in your sex life and relationships. You will also hear about just some of the many, many sexual and intimate activities that many queer and trans folks enjoy. This includes kink and BDSM dynamics as well as different ways to explore intimacy without necessarily involving sex. You’ll learn about some of the countless terms for body parts and how to find the best ones for you. Finally, Nillin talks about finding – and making – queer and trans porn and erotic content.

The book concludes with a short roundup of 8 important takeaways.

Style & Accessibility

Nillin’s writing is vulnerable and honest. They don’t shy away from sharing their own experiences and the struggles they’ve faced through systemic transphobia, queerphobia, fatphobia, erasure, and more. They share personal stories from their own lived experience and relate them seamlessly to their wider narrative and overarching points. And they unflinchingly own up to mistakes they’ve made and things they’re not proud of, acknowledging how those things played a role in the story of who they are now.

Reading Nillin’s writing is like talking to that wise, slightly more experienced friend that I wish all queer people had when they first come out. The writing is engaging and accessible, occasionally funny, occasionally raw, and always tender and caring. Compassion is central at every stage, and the advice feels like invitation rather than instruction.

Nillin also includes other queer and trans folks’ voices and perspectives. In chapter 2, for example, they ask various friends and industry colleagues about what sexiness means to them and how they relate to it. They also include images from the Crash Pad Series of queer+ erotic films to illustrate various sections of the book.

The book does assume some basic grounding in LGBTQ+ terminology. There’s a handy glossary at the back for any terms you don’t understand, though. And, of course, you can always just look them up online as you read.

Verdict & Where to Get Your Copy

How Do I Sexy? isn’t just a good book, it’s a vital and sorely needed one. LGBTQ+ young people are still rarely represented in mainstream sex education. Many of us make it to adulthood with very little knowledge of our bodies, our sexualities, and how to engage intimately with others. This book is like a warm, comforting hug that says “hey, you’re lovable – and sexy – exactly as you are!”. It’s both a celebration and an invitation.

No matter where you are in your queer, trans or non-binary journey, there will be something in here for you. I’ve been writing, reading, learning and teaching in this space for years and I’ve still learned tonnes from Nillin’s words. Read it from cover to cover for the full experience, or dip into the bits that feel most relevant to where you are now.

How Do I Sexy? by Mx. Nillin Lore will be published by Thornapple Press one month today – 23rd August 2024 – and you can pre-order your copy now. If you order through my Bookshop.org links, I will make a small commission at no additional cost to you. You can also ask your local indie bookseller or LGBTQ+ bookstore to stock it (fuck Amazon amirite?) (But if you’re going to use Amazon, please use Thornapple’s affiliate links. This will send a little more money back to an indie press and its authors.)

Thanks to Mx. Nillin Lore and their publisher for sending me an advance review copy of How Do I Sexy? All views are, as always, my own.

Lisa Kivok makes a case for non-binary and polyamory-inclusive leather titles

[Guest Post] It’s Time for Non-binary and Polyamory-Inclusive Leather Titles by Lisa Kivok

Published on by Amy

One of the joys of publishing guest posts on this blog is that I get to enjoy a glimpse into aspects of the vast worlds of gender, sexuality, and kink that I don’t have direct experience with. That’s why I am really thrilled with today’s post in which Lisa Kivok (she/her) tells us why she thinks it’s past time for non-binary and polyamorous inclusion in the world of leather titles. It’s a thought-provoking piece that I’m thrilled to share with you all.

Amy x

It’s Time for Non-binary and Polyamory-Inclusive Leather Titles by Lisa Kivok

It’s 2022. Non-binary and polyamorous people are increasingly visible in mainstream society. Not nearly enough, of course, but still increasingly so. But the leather community, which rightfully prides itself so much on being accepting, often excludes them in its contest titles. Not always, and usually not intentionally, but still far too often.

For example, how often do you see a leather title for Couple of the Year/Region/etc.? Now, how included do you think monogamous people would feel if the title was Polycule of the Year… but hey, we’ll let couples compete and call them “Couple of the Year” if they happen to win? Just about as included as polyamorous people feel when relationships competing for titles are dubbed “couples” by default.

Instead, it’s time for leather contests to stop using Couple of the Year titles and start using titles that are neutral in relationship style and can truly include polyamorous people – for example, Relationship of the Year.

A trickier phenomenon is that of Woman/Man of the Year/Region/etc. leather titles. It wouldn’t be right for those titles to be replaced – for a lot of people, their femininity or masculinity is an important part of their connection to the leather world. That shouldn’t be downplayed by eliminating those titles. But it’s past time that leather contests acknowledged non-binary leather people by adding a non-binary title, too – for example, Non-binary Person of the Year. Just letting non-binary people compete in Woman/Man categories and changing the title if they win isn’t fair. If women and men get their own designated titles, non-binary people should, too. After all, would you expect a woman to feel included in a non-binary person of the year contest? The same is true in reverse.

Why is now the time to make these changes?

Polyamorous and non-binary people have always existed, and any time would have been a great time to acknowledge them by making these changes, as some but not enough leather contests already have. Indeed, it would have been best to start out with such inclusive titles when leather contests first began. But such changes are better done late than never, and now is an especially important time to take a stand on this. That’s because right now there is a huge backlash against diversity, especially sexual diversity.

Yes, non-binary and polyamorous people are increasingly visible in mainstream society, but that often only leads to greater backlash. You can’t turn on the TV or look at Twitter without hearing about people being called groomers for being queer in public, trans youth being denied puberty blockers, and other attempts to shove people back into the imagined Father Knows Best days that never really existed.

If even the leather community pushes polyamorous and non-binary people to the side for not being mainstream enough, where will those people find acceptance?

Lack of acceptance may drive these people away from the leather subculture, which in addition to being unfortunate for them would be unfortunate for leather society itself. Polyamorous and non-binary people have contributed much to leather society, and no doubt can and will contribute more if they were better included.

The leather subculture has never been about the “nice” people who just want to be accepted by the mainstream. Sure, they’re as welcome in leather society as anyone else. But the heart of leather society has always been people maligned and excluded elsewhere. It is hypocritical and illogical to have a subculture based in large part on a fairly rare sexual fetish, long thought of as disgusting and immoral by mainstream society, and to then exclude polyamorous and non-binary people for not being mainstream or common enough. That way lies a ”sanitization” of leather society that goes against the values the culture does, and should, stand for in terms of acceptance of people who do not belong to the sexual and gender mainstream.

Making room for people excluded from mainstream society has always been part of leather culture, and minority groups within leather culture have fought long and proudly and successfully for inclusion, including in leather titles. There are women’s leather titles, Black leather titles, and deaf leather titles, to name just a few. It’s time we gave polyamorous and non-binary people the same sort of chance. It’s time to remind ourselves that when mainstream society says “get out, freaks and perverts”, leatherfolk say, “you’re welcome here with us.”

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