This is the third in a series of five posts covering the five love languages as applied to kink and BDSM. If you don’t know your love language, take the quiz linked above to find out! Today we’re talking the love language of “quality time”, with some kinky date ideas and other ways to make the most of this love language in your D/s relationship.
What is the Quality Time Love Language?
A person whose love language is quality time is all about spending meaningful, connective time with the people they love. Sounds easy enough, right? But in long term relationships, and particularly nesting relationships, quality time often gives way to “we’re just generally around each other a lot.”
Scrolling on your phones at opposite ends of the couch without talking is not quality time.
Quality time can be particularly hard in a long distance relationship. People who work long hours, have children, are disabled or chronically ill, or have a limited income may also experience unique challenges with this love language.
Kinky Date Ideas and More for Submissives Who Love Quality Time
For many submissives, the greatest gift is their Dominant’s undivided time and attention. Focused quality time shows your submissive that they are wanted, valued, and loved.
If your submissive loves quality time, a kinky date night is always a great idea. This might mean staying in and getting your kink on in your bedroom, or it might mean taking them out to a fetish club, kinky event, or play party.
You can also kink up a regular date night. For example, you could order your submissive to wear a butt plug throughout the movie or edge three times before you take them out to dinner.
Not all your quality time together has to be active play time, of course. Even in a D/s relationship, snuggling on the couch is lovely. Non-scene connective time can show your submissive that you love them as a person and partner, not just as a kinky plaything.
Ritual, Routine and Quality Time
Rituals and routines can be comforting and connective for many people who value quality time highly, and particularly for many submissives. They provide consistency and a reliable point of connection at regular intervals where your attention is on each other.
Rituals can be simple or elaborate. They can be seemingly-mundane (“make my coffee for me the way I like it, then sit with me quietly while I drink it”) or have a play element to them. I know of one D/s couple who started each day with the Dominant choosing the submissive’s underwear for the day. Spankings before bed are another common and fun choice.
Connective routines can be as simple as watching an episode of your favourite TV show together each evening ot setting aside Friday nights to be your glass-of-wine-and-debrief-of-the-week time.
Kinky Date Ideas and More for Dominants Who Love Quality Time
If you’re a submissive, it can be tempting to think that all you need to do to make a Dominant happy is show up and get your ass beaten. This might work at first but it’s unlikely to lead to a happy long-term relationship, particularly if your Dominant’s love language is quality time.
Many people assume that date planning is the Dominant’s responsibility in a kinky relationship, but this doesn’t have to be the case. Many D-types love to be wooed and are seriously impressed when a submissive comes up with new kinky date ideas, surprises them with a spontaneous adventure, or goes above and beyond to make them feel loved.
If your Dominant likes surprises, tell them you’re taking them on an adventure. If necessary, give them some bare-bones information on what to wear or pack, then do all the planning to make something cool happen for the two of you. You can easily view making plans that will make their eyes light up as an act of service. If they’re not a fan of surprises, ask their permission to treat them to a date night/day/weekend doing any activity they want to do.
Another possibility for your Dominant is to give them the gift of you, completely available with no interruptions, for a period of time to have their kinky fun with. “I sent the kids to a babysitter, my phone is off, dinner is taken care of... and I’m all yours for the whole night!” What a yummy and wonderful gift.
Quality Time in a Kinky Relationship: Tips for Everyone
Regardless of dynamic and role, quality time is key to all relationships. This is especially true if it’s one of your main love languages. Whether you’re a Dominant or a submissive, the best gift you can give to a partner with this love language is an evening, day, or weekend of your undivided attention. Time where you can relax, do fun things together, and enjoy being in each other’s company are crucial. If you don’t live together, this can include remote time.
Planning quality time is also a part of this love language. This might be coming up with kinky date ideas together, sexting about all the things you’re going to do next time you have chance to play, or looking at travel guides together to decide where you want to go on holiday. Having plans to look forward to can be an amazing boost for your relationship and can make people with the quality time love language feel loved and seen.
What NOT To Do
If your partner’s love language is quality time, being consistent and reliable is essential. Emergencies happen occasionally, of course, but being flaky or cancelling plans is just about the worst thing you can do to someone with this love language.
Make plans and stick to them.
If you’re enjoying this series, you can show your appreciation by buying me a coffee.