Tag: anorgasmia

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[Guest Post] How CBD Lube Changed My Sex Life When My Body Forgot How to Orgasm by Hattie Gladwell

Published on by Amy

Today’s guest post comes from Hattie Gladwell (she/her,) a freelance journalist whose work I have been reading and enjoying for a while. This is her first piece for C&K.

I loved this story because struggles with orgasm are so, so common, especially for cis women and other people with vulvas. The limited cultural narratives around sex can make us feel that we should all be having the most amazing sex, all the time and without ever talking about it.

Those same narratives push the idea that if we’re with the right partner, sex and orgasm will be easy and effortless, and that any use of additional tools (such as toys or lube) indicate failure. But as we can see from Hattie’s story, those things can be game changers in the best possible way.

Enjoy!

Amy x

How CBD Lube Changed My Sex Life When My Body Forgot How to Orgasm

I was in a sexless relationship for almost six years. It was difficult not just physically, but mentally, too. I wanted an intimate relationship, but sadly he wasn’t interested. Of course, I thought it was me. That something was wrong with me. I changed how I looked constantly to see if maybe he’d start loving me again, but the relationship had been dead for years. 

When we first got together, I was able to orgasm easily and quickly. Multiple times. Having an orgasm had never been a concern to me. I’d always had a good sex life before the relationship, and during the first year. But everything changed, and I don’t know why. 

When we finally broke up and I walked away from the stale relationship, I met somebody new quickly. My family and friends warned me that it was too early, that I needed to heal. But I had already done my healing over the last six months of the relationship—because I knew it was coming to an end. 

It was incredible to have sex with someone new. I mean, it was incredible just to have sex again. But, I couldn’t orgasm. It made me feel bad because I didn’t want my new partner to think it was him. My body just forgot what an orgasm felt like, and I couldn’t do it anymore. 

When I tried to get there, it was even more impossible, because I was putting myself under too much pressure. It wasn’t until I decided to “re-discover myself” alone, learning what I liked and didn’t like, and what made me tick, that finally, I came to climax again. 

I decided to show my partner what I liked, and it worked—but it still took me up to an hour to get there, and sometimes I couldn’t at all. It was frustrating and I felt resentment towards my ex because I felt like I had no control over my body.

I could only come during mutual masturbation. Never during sex. Which is annoying, because I want to reach orgasm when my partner does. It feels more intimate. It makes me feel closer. 

That’s where the CBD lube comes in. 

There are lots of CBD lubes out there, even though not that many people know about them. Of course, most people have heard about CBD and the common belief that it helps with chronic pain. But it can also help with sensitivity of the vulva, as it is absorbed through the tissues.

I was sceptical, but decided to try Dani Pepper’s “O” orgasm enhancer.

It comes in a bottle that looks just like regular, non-CBD lube, and is transparent. It’s made using organic and natural ingredients, and is water-based, meaning it’s okay to use with latex. 

I sat down with my partner and talked about using the lube, and he agreed. He was just as adamant about getting my orgasms back on track as I was. 

That night, we had sex. But before we did, we did what we usually do, and he tried to get me off. I decided to do it during mutual masturbation because I wanted my body to get used to the CBD lube in a way that I knew might just make me come. 

He put the lube on me, and within 15 minutes I started to feel more relaxed. I wasn’t worried about climaxing. I decided that it didn’t matter if I didn’t orgasm this time—I could always try again. 

But I did come. Quickly. Intensely. The most extraordinary orgasm I have ever had. 

It lasted for at least 10 seconds, and afterwards, my legs were shaking and I couldn’t speak through breathlessness. 

What I also loved is how calm I felt afterwards. I continued to feel this really relaxing sensation. Sex afterwards was amazing because, even though I can’t come through penetration still, it made us both feel accomplished. Knowing I’d “got there” meant there were no frustrated vibes after having sex—or masturbating for an hour. 

I always use the lube now; every time we have sex. It’s my go-to, and I of course have more than one bottle at a time so that I can keep myself stocked up. 

CBD lube has been a game-changer for me. Not just because of the incredibly intense orgasms, but because it has brought me closer to my partner sexually. I feel like our sex life is way more intimate now, and I never feel like I’m missing out. And I won’t ever again.

About the Author

Hattie Gladwell is a journalist and editor from Sussex. She is passionate about raising awareness of mental health issues, and mainly writes about sex, relationships, parenting and mental illness.

Product recommendation is the writer’s own and is not an affiliate link.

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There is No Time Limit: Exploring Your Sexuality Later in Life

Published on by Amy3 Comments

I occasionally receive questions from readers who are wondering if it is “too late” for them to enjoy some aspect of sex or relationships. Some haven’t had sex by the time they reach their 20s. Others are realising they’re queer or trans and coming out later in life. Some are considering trying polyamory, exploring kink, or experimenting with threesomes for the first time in their 50s, 60s, or beyond. Regardless of your reasons for exploring your sexuality later in life, I’m here to tell you this: there is no time limit.

You can have amazing sex at any age or stage of life, including if you’re a “late bloomer.”

You can find love after the age of 35.

Polyamory, kink, group sex, and all those other wonderful things aren’t just for youngsters.

You can have your first orgasm in your 30s or 50s or 70s.

Why Exploring Your Sexuality Later Can Be Beneficial

I understand that it’s hard, and daunting, to feel like you’re running late. Honestly, though, sometimes exploring your sexuality later in life can give you some advantages. There are times when it can be beneficial to have a bit of life experience behind you.

It’s true that a lot of people are now finding sex positive communities and resources to help them explore their sexuality earlier. In large part, this is thanks to the internet. As someone who discovered polyamory and kink in my late teens, there was a time when I’d be the youngest person in any sex positive space by 10-15 years. I don’t think new adults exploring these spaces generally have the same experience today.

For a long time, I was grateful for finding these communities early and for the experiences I had. Now, though, my relationship with that time in my life is more complicated.

I’m glad I’ve had my entire adult life to explore, of course. But looking back with the wisdom and knowledge of a woman in my mid 30s, I can see the ways that I was tremendously vulnerable back then. The ways I’d walk into a room, young and wide-eyed and naive, and I might as well have had a sign over my head saying Fresh Meat the way some of the men looked at me. I spent a lot of time in those early days fending off the advances of men ten or twenty or thirty years older than me. Or not fending them off and falling into situations I was wildly ill-equipped to handle.

It was all kind of fun, until it wasn’t. I had some amazing adventures, but I also picked up a lot of new traumas. I’m saying all this to illustrate that the knowledge and wisdom that comes with being older can be a huge asset in keeping you safe, healthy, and boundaried when you’re exploring your sexuality later in life.

4 Tips for Exploring Your Sexuality Later in Life

Whatever your story and whatever the reason you’re exploring relationships, pleasure, and sex in later life, the first thing I want this post to do is give you a sense of permission. To let you know that you’re welcome and it’s not too late for you. But I also thought some tips and suggestions might be useful. As always, pick the ones that work for you and leave the ones that don’t.

Give Yourself Permission to Be a Beginner

No matter your age or prior experiences, there’s no shame in being new to something. That includes sex, relationships, dating, queerness, kink, masturbation, pleasure… all of it. Something a lot of people find helpful is to approach whatever aspect of sexuality they’re exploring as if it were a new hobby.

You wouldn’t sit down at a piano and expect to play a Beethoven sonata perfectly. You wouldn’t go to your first ever language class and expect to come out speaking fluent Italian. Sexuality is just the same. None of us are born knowing this stuff, and as long as you’re breathing and curious there’s always, always, always time to learn.

Being a beginner isn’t shameful. It’s a beautiful sign that you had the courage to step out of your comfort zone and learn something new.

Get Educated About Sex, Relationships, Pleasure, and Your Body

Depending on your age and where you grew up, your sex education was likely somewhere on the spectrum from “lacking” to “non existent.” If you’re exploring later in life and feel like you don’t know all that much about your sexuality, your body, or what you enjoy, that’s no reflection on you. But it is something you can take control of! This might include some unlearning, letting go of old narratives or shame that isn’t serving you.

Check out the resources section below to help you get started.

By the way: don’t forget to learn about sexual health, too. Even if pregnancy is no longer a concern for you, you’ll still need to understand how to protect yourself and your lover(s) from STIs.

Embrace the Power of “I Don’t Know Yet”

It can be daunting to be asked questions like “what do you like?” or “how do you identify?” and not know the answers. But not knowing is part of the journey, and it’s okay not to know! It’s also okay if your answers tomorrow, or a year from now, or ten years from now are not the same as they are today. Change, growth, discovery, and rediscovery are all part of this process.

Meet Your Body Where It Is

Your body may not be the same now as it was ten or thirty or fifty years ago. It’s normal to feel some complicated feelings about that, but ageing or disability needn’t be a barrier to enjoying your sexuality in its full glory. If you’re exploring your sexuality later in life, it’s important to get to know your body as it is now.

Get curious, learn about your responses and desires and the reality of your current body, and practice radical acceptance of your body and yourself. You might need to expand your definition of sex and pleasure (it’s not all about penetration!). Navigating sexual side effects, such as a drop in libido or anorgasmia, can also be issues for folks of any age who take some medications.

Pro tip: tools like a good lube, positioning aids, and smart sex tech can be game-changers at any age.

Resources for Exploring Your Sexuality Later in Life

Whether you’re exploring your sexuality in your 20s, your 80s, or anywhere in between, check out some of these resources to learn more.

If You’re Ready to Explore, You’re Right on Time

We all have a finite amount of time on this planet. But as long as we’re still here, there’s no time limit on learning, exploring, adventuring, experiencing.

Tomorrow is always a new day. No matter your age or your experiences so far, you can always wake up and decide that you want to do something differently. You can try something new, learn something new, chase some new dream.

Sex, relationships, love, pleasure… they’re for everyone who wants them. You don’t have to have had your first sexual experience by 20, met your life partner by 25, got married by 30, or discovered kink while you’re still young enough to attend the “Under 35” munch.

We all come to things at different stages and for different reasons. Wherever you are in your journey and whatever your reasons for exploring your sexuality later in life, those of us in the sex positive community are waiting to welcome you.

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Sexual Side Effects: How to Have Sex if Medication is Getting in the Way of Your Pleasure

Published on by Amy

Unfortunately, sexual side effects are incredibly common with numerous types of medication. Mental health medications including SSRIs and MOAIs, blood pressure medications, ADHD medications, and certain hormonal therapies are just some of the commonly prescribed medical treatments that can affect sexual function.

Sexual side effects can include loss of desire, low arousal, erectile issues, pain during sex, and anorgasmia. Obviously, not everyone who takes medication experiences these issues and not everyone will experience them to the same extent. They can also naturally occur as a result of ageing, stress, physical health issues, and so on. But they are super common. In this post, I’ll share some strategies that can help you to manage them and continue to access sexual pleasure, if you want to.

Note: I am not a medical professional, so I have kept my advice here to sex and relationships advice, not medical advice. If you have any medical concerns or queries, see your doctor.

Talk to Your Doctor About Sexual Side Effects

You shouldn’t have to choose between the right medication and a happy and pleasurable sex life. You should be able to have both! So if you’re suffering from sexual side effects, talk to your doctor.

A good provider will work with you to find a medication solution that helps you without damaging your sex life. This might mean adjusting your dose, trying a different drug, or implementing other strategies to combat the sexual side effects. If your doctor dismisses you or doesn’t think sexual pleasure is important, go to a different doctor.

Sex matters. For many of us, it’s a quality of life issue. You deserve to get medical support and be taken seriously.

Get Creative and Expand Your Definition of Sex

Perhaps you can’t or don’t want to change your medication right now (or ever), but you also want to start enjoying sex again. If so, I invite you to think about your definition of sex. When you think of sex, are you thinking exclusively about penetrative intercourse or another specific activity?

Getting creative, exploring different kinds of touch, and expanding your definition of sex can all be great ways to sidestep sexual side effects and find new ways to access pleasure and sensuality.

What if sex didn’t need to involve penetration? What if there was no pressure for anyone to have an orgasm, and you could just enjoy touch and sensation without racing towards any particular goal? If it didn’t matter whether a cock got hard or a pussy got wet? Paradoxically, removing the focus from things like penetration, erection, or orgasm can actually make those things easier. Don’t underestimate the power of taking the pressure off.

Intimate connection doesn’t even need to involve your genitals! What if you spent an entire session just kissing and making out, focusing on nipple play, trading massages? What if a kink scene, whether that involves flogging or shibari or candle wax or sensation play or power exchange, was the main event rather than an appetiser? When you step away from what you assume sex is, you discover all the things pleasure can be.

Experiment with Toys

Sex toys are amazing for so many reasons! (That’s why I turned talking about them into a career.) One of the ways they’re amazing? They can help to overcome or navigate sexual side effects by offering different kinds and intensities of sensation.

If you’re struggling with a loss of sensation, powerful vibrators can help. When I suffered from anorgasmia due to antidepressant medication, a wand vibrator helped me to break through the block. Some people with a clitoris find that the focused intensity of suction toys works well when sensitivity is low. If you have a penis and your medication makes it difficult to get or stay hard, a toy like the Hot Octopuss Pulse – which can be used from either erect or flaccid – can be a great choice. If you want to have penetrative sex, a strap-on, fucking machine, thrusting toy, or dildo can facilitate it.

If pain during sex is an issue, toys and accessories can also help. The OhNut is an amazing invention that limits the depth of penetration with a penis or dildo, and dilators can help to gently stretch and relax your vaginal tissue.

Explore Self-Touch

Learning to navigate sexual side effects and adjusting to your body’s new normal can be a process. Whether or not you have a partner, this is a great time to explore self-touch. You might want to experiment with masturbating in different ways (such as in a new position or with toys), experiment with mindful masturbation, or perhaps just touch your body in whatever ways feel good to you.

Talk About Your Sexual Side Effects with Your Lover(s)

Too many of us have, at some point, struggled through sex that was not pleasurable or even sex that was painful. Perhaps we felt pressured, perhaps we didn’t want to let our partner down, or perhaps we believed that maybe we’d “get into it” if we just kept going. I understand the urge, but you deserve so much more than suffering through uncomfortable or painful sex.

A partner who loves and respects you will want to understand your experience and support you. Great sex with a partner is a collaborative process. It begins with honesty and vulnerability, so – as long as you’re in a safe and trusting relationship – talk to your partner(s) about how you’re feeling, what’s going on for you, and how you’d like to address it. If you want them to do or not to something specific, ask for it. If you just want their patience and understanding while you adjust, ask for that.

Fight Shame and Self-Blame

Sexual side effects often bring a lot of shame. You might feel as though there’s something wrong with you, or worry that you’re letting your partner(s) down. Some people even feel as though their masculinity, femininity, or sense of sexual identity is threatened.

There is absolutely no shame in what you’re going through right now. Sexual problems are still hugely stigmatised and, unfortunately, so are certain types of medication (such as antidepressants). However, please try to avoid getting into a shame cycle or blaming yourself. But sexual side effects are incredibly normal, and most of us will be on medication that will impact our sexuality at some point in our lives.

If you’re struggling with shame, reach out to others who have had similar experiences, ask your partner(s) for reassurance and support, or talk to a therapist.

Check Out These Resources to Help You Navigate Sexual Side Effects

Wherever you are in your journey with medication and navigating sexual side effects, these are a few resources I recommend. As always, pick the ones that sound most useful to you!

If you find my work useful, you can help me keep doing this by buying me a coffee! This post contains affiliate links.