boundaries Archives

In this guest post, Quenby (they/them) explores lessons in boundaries from a cat. I’ve long been in awe of cats for their ability to express their wants and assert their boundaries without apology, and I absolutely loved this piece when it landed in my inbox.

Amy x

What Cats Can Teach Us About Boundaries by Quenby

Recently I was discussing boundaries with my datemate AJ, and they said something that stuck with me. “When it comes to physical affection, I’m a bit like a cat!” (And no, this isn’t a piece about kitten play!)

This was a cute moment between the two of us, but the more I think about it, the more I realise that cats really do have some important lessons to teach us about setting, maintaining, and asserting boundaries.

It Can Take Time

You don’t walk straight up to a cat and pet them. Instead, you give them space and let the cat come to you.

Whether it’s your first time meeting someone or you’ve been dating them for a while, sometimes you need to give your partner space. As a person who tends towards physical affection, this took me some time to get used to. It’s still something I have to check myself on occasionally. By respecting my partners’ boundaries as I would with a cat, I can come in without expectations and give them time to relax and adjust to my presence.

Letting a partner come to me can help ensure they’re comfortable and helps build the trust needed for us to feel safe lowering our inhibitions and exploring different forms of affection. If you don’t respect these basic physical boundaries, you’ll just end up chasing a disgruntled cat around the house.

If a Cat Wants to Be Stroked, It Will Let You Know

When a cat wants a belly rub, they will let you know. And when they want food, they will definitely let you know! Cats understand instinctively that affection must be given and received on terms that everyone enjoys, and they won’t hesitate to assert their boundaries if they’re no longer enjoying it.

It’s the same with humans. You have to pay attention to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal signals and take cues from them. As part of this, we can also draw on the idea of love languages (the different ways in which people show that they care for each other.) Ultimately, you need to communicate with a partner and find the ways you can express affection in a way that everyone appreciates. Because otherwise it’s not about your partner and it’s not about sharing a connection. It’s just about taking what you want from the other person.

When a Cat Decides They’ve Had Enough, They Will Assert Their Boundaries By Walking Away

For consent to be meaningful, it must be ongoing. Consent is not a single moment, and it certainly doesn’t mean agreeing to something and then being obliged to stick with it. Just as a cat will communicate its boundaries by walking away mid-petting if it’s had enough, it is always okay to stop if you’re no longer enjoying something.

When your partner is right in front of you, excited for something that you also really wanted moments before, it can be hard to speak up. But (and let’s say it together this time): if you stop enjoying something, it’s always okay to stop! And if your partner doesn’t respect that, they are in the wrong. And that leads us neatly to the final lesson.

Cats Aren’t Generally Aggressive in Communicating Their Boundaries… But They Will Lash Out if Provoked

If you repeatedly overstep a cat’s boundaries, those claw marks on your face will be your own fucking fault.

If somebody fails to respect your boundaries after you’ve communicated them, then you are entitled to be pissed off at that person. They’ve fucked up and must take responsibility for pushing those boundaries. You have a right to establish boundaries and you have a right to enforce those boundaries.

This is intended as a lighthearted take on a serious topic. Human relationships and boundaries are too complex and nuanced to be comprehensively explained by cats. But I think the core lessons that I’ve drawn out in this piece are a good starting point. Make time and space to develop trust. Listen to what each person is saying. Above all, respect the right to boundaries. Respect that those boundaries might change, and set and maintain your own boundaries in good faith.

**Lessons Cats Can’t Teach Us About Boundaries**

Despite everything I said above, it is also important to recognise that cats are not perfect models for boundaries and consent practices. Below is a non-comprehensive list of lessons my partner’s cat really needs to learn on this subject.

You should ask before showing someone your asshole. I’m sure it’s lovely, but that’s not a dynamic I want to explore with you.
Stabbing someone’s thighs should be negotiated ahead of time. There are nicer ways to ask for attention, you vicious little cutie.
Climbing into bed while a couple are having sex is considered rude. Yes, we both love you, but in a very different way to how we love one another.

Quenby is a queer perfomer, writer, and activist. If you liked this post you can check out their blog.

A reader messaged me this week with this question: “What are some BDSM red flags to look out for when starting a new kinky relationship with a Dom or a sub?”

I had a lot of thoughts about this question and all the possible ways to answer it. On the surface, it’s simple. In many ways, BDSM red flags are exactly the same as those in any other kind of relationship. But there are also nuances specific to kinky relationships.

As I often do when I’m mulling over a topic, I took it to Mr C&K for his perspective. His response, I think, was utterly brilliant in its simplicity: “Don’t get into a relationship with a Dom or a sub. Get into a relationship with a person.”

What I love about this answer is that it cuts through all the possible responses I was thinking of giving to our lovely question-asker, and gets straight to the heart of the issue. It’s vital to get to know somebody as a real, three-dimensional human being before you seriously consider them as your Dominant or submissive.

Spend time – LOTS of time – talking, communicating, and seeing how they interact with you and the world. A good D/s relationship is a place of profound trust and vulnerability on both sides, and these things cannot be rushed. A real-life D/s relationship is nothing like an endless kinky fantasy or a porn movie. First and foremost, it is a relationship.

7 BDSM Red Flags to Look Out For

With all that said, I do still have some thoughts on specific red flags to watch out for in a kinky relationship. I’ve tried to keep these broad so that they’re applicable to Dominants, submissives, and switches alike, and relevant whether you’re meeting online or in person.

Your mileage may vary, of course, and I’m sure there are plenty I’ve missed. But I would view any of the following with some serious side-eye and a healthy level of skepticism.

Demanding too much, too soon

You wouldn’t give someone the keys to your house or ask them to marry you on a first date, would you? Just as you shouldn’t jump the proverbial gun on these vanilla relationship milestones, it’s also important to take your time in a BDSM relationship. Play together and have some kinky fun, if you both want to, but don’t even think about entering into any kind of ongoing dynamic for quite some time.

If a Dominant expects you to kneel and address them by an honorofic before they’ve earned your trust, run. If a submissive expects you to start trying to control every aspect of their life when you’ve barely got past coffee… you know what I’m going to say.

Referring to themselves as a “real” or “true” anything

There is no such thing as a True Dominant, a Real Submissive, or any other variation. Those of us who have been in the community for a long time call this One True Wayism, and it’s frowned upon for good reason. People who think their way is the only way tend to be snobbish, elitist and derisive of others at best and actively dangerous at worst.

Tthinking you know everything, refusing to learn, and refusing to be questioned is a recipe for disaster. It’s also one of the biggest red flags out there for kinky relationships.

Related to this is its equally problematic and insidious twin: “you’re a fake [Dom/sub/kinkster!]” Calling someone a fake is such a classic BDSM red flag that it’s pretty much a cliche at this point. There’s no such thing as a fake kinkster. There are good and bad players, safe and dangerous kinksters, and those with more or less knowledge and experience. But no-one is “real” or “fake.”

If you identify as a Dom, you’re a Dom. If you identify as a sub, you’re a sub. That’s literally all that’s required.

Using language like “if you were really [X] you’d [Y]”

“If you were really a sub, you’d give me all your passwords and your bank account login!” “If you were really a Dom, you’d take care of everything for me so I didn’t have to take any responsibility for my choices!”

This is the BDSM red flag equivalent of that old manipulative classic: “If you really loved me, you’d…”

If someone questions your identity or tries to use it against you to get their way, run. See above: there’s no such thing as a “Real” or “True” anything. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone and you certainly don’t have to do things you don’t want to do for your identity to be valid.

Claiming to have no or very few limits

Everyone has limits (that is, things they absolutely won’t do under any circumstances.) Absolutely everyone. Someone who claims not to have any limits (or to have “very few” limits) is, at best, woefully ill-informed about all the things BDSM can encompass.

And by the way: limits aren’t just for submissives! Dominants also can and should have limits.

I’ll say it again: literally everyone has limits. They can, and probably will, change over time. You don’t need to think up absolutely every single one right now. But you should start learning about what yours might be and learning how to communicate them.

Not understanding their own experience and skill level

Anyone can pick up a BDSM starter kit and call themselves a Dominant without having ever used that flogger on anyone, just like anyone can watch a thousand hours of spanking porn and call themselves a submissive without having ever actually played. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being inexperienced and curious, with being at the beginning of your kink journey, or with not knowing much.

What is wrong, though, is to significantly overestimate or misrepresent your experience and skill level. And if you find out someone has done this, it’s a pretty huge red flag. Trying to do certain BDSM activities without proper knowledge and tuition is irresponsible at worst, incredibly dangerous – both physically and psychologically – at best.

Responsible kinksters know their own limitations and put the safety, consent, and wellbeing of their partners above any self-aggrandising notion about being infallible.

Lying, including lies of omission

The absolute, foundational basis for any healthy relationship – kinky or vanilla, monogamous or polyamorous – is trust. Without trust, there is nothing. Lying to you is, therefore, probably the biggest, reddest, and flaggiest big BDSM red flag of all.

This includes those big barefaced lies, of course, but it also includes lies of omission. If you find a Dom who seems great but they “forgot” to tell you they’ve got seven other submissives at home… you have not found a good Dom or indeed a good human.

The person who lies to you in the beginning will lie to you all the way along. Whatever your role, you’re a human being first and you deserve to be told the truth about things that impact you.

The ultimate BDSM red flag: breaking boundaries, including small ones

Abusive or dangerous people don’t typically start by trampling boundaries in overt and glaring ways. If they did this on the first date, they’ll never get as far as a second date. Instead, people who would cause you harm will often “test the waters” with a new victim to see how much they can get away with.

Perhaps they persist in using language towards you that you don’t like, touching you in a way you’re not comfortable with, or putting you down in big or small ways, you are not being too sensitive. They are testing you, and they will push bigger and bigger boundaries if you continue a relationship with them. Get out now.

If you recognise any of these BDSM red flags in your relationship or with a new interest, help is out there! If you think you’re in danger, get yourself to a place of safety and ask for help as soon as you can.

Tag: boundaries

BDSM Red Flags: What to Watch For in a New Kinky Relationship