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Broken Agreements, Breaches of Trust, and Cheating in Polyamory: What Now? [Polyamory Conversation Cards #2]

Published on January 11, 2024February 28, 2025 by Amy

“What is cheating in polyamory?”

“My partner did this thing that really upset me. Did they cheat?”

“Is it cheating if I…?”

I see variations of these questions multiple times a week in polyamory groups, forums, and other discussion spaces. Cheating in polyamory is a complicated subject, and a divisive one. Often, when the subject of what constitutes “cheating” in polyamory comes up, something has happened that breaches a relationship agreement (or, sometimes, an unspoken assumption) or leads to someone feeling that their trust in their partner has been broken.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series I’m doing inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag.

This week’s card asks:

“If your partner cheats on you or breaks an agreement, how can they best communicate this and what do you need to restore any damaged trust?”

Ahh, cheating in polyamory and broken relationship agreements. I have a LOT to say about this one, so let’s dive straight in.

Does Cheating in Polyamory Even Exist?

Some people think it’s impossible to cheat in an open relationship. After all, in monogamy-land, “cheating” is typically defined as “doing romantic or sexual things with someone who is not your partner.” But an open or polyamorous relationship explicitly allows for those things, so how is it possible to cheat?

This belief comes from another, to which I also do not subscribe: that polyamory or consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is a no-holds-barred free-for-all. In fact, all the successful polyamorous relationships I know are carefully negotiated and based upon mutual respect and well-crafted relationship agreements that serve everyone’s best interests.

So yes, cheating in polyamory is a real thing. If you go behind your partner’s back, don’t notify them about something they’d reasonably expect to be told about (such as a new partner or a change in sexual health practices), you might be doing something that could be defined as cheating.

However, when a breach of trust or a broken agreement has happened, I also believe that “is this cheating?” is almost always the wrong question.

Why I Think “Is It Cheating?” is the Wrong Question

“Cheating” is such a loaded term in our society and relationship landscape. It comes with so many assumptions and beliefs, many of them neither helpful nor true. Consider, for example, the maxim “once a cheater, always a cheater.” This is demonstrably false. Making a bad choice once, or even many times, does not doom a person to continue to make it for the rest of their lives! Many people have cheated on a partner, then decided not to repeat that behaviour in that relationship or others.

Cheating is destructive and cruel, and it is something that I take a pretty hard line on in my relationships. I won’t stay with a partner who cheats on me and I won’t get or stay involved with someone who is actively cheating on another partner. However, I also have a fairly narrow and specific personal definition of cheating. I would only consider one of my partners to have cheated on me if they deliberately and willingly broke a relationship agreement we made and lied to me about it.

Also, and this is important: you’re allowed to be upset about something even if it doesn’t meet anyone’s reasonable definition of cheating in polyamory! To use a totally hypothetical example, let’s say a partner of mine skips my birthday party to go hook up with a new person. No-one would reasonably call that “cheating”, but it’s still unkind, inconsiderate and unloving behaviour about which I am legitimately within my rights to be pissed off.

So, if one of your partners does something that hurts you or violates an agreement, don’t leap straight to “did they cheat?” Instead, ask yourself how their actions make you feel. Perhaps you’re hurt. Angry. Betrayed. Scared. A mix of these emotions, or something else entirely. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, then consider what to do next (which we’ll get into below.)

Are Breaches Inevitable?

Another refrain I hear a lot in polyamorous spaces is, “the problem with rules is that they always get broken.” I don’t necessarily agree with this, though. In my early days in polyamory, my relationships had a lot of rules attached to them. I no longer think this was a particularly good or healthy approach, and now practice non-hierarchical polyamory that prioritises mutual agreements, personal boundaries, and care and consideration for everyone involved over rules.

However, what I did not do is break any of those rules when they were in place. To do so would have been dishonest, unkind, and relationship-damaging. So no, I do not necessarily believe that any rule you put in place will get broken, and I certainly don’t think that mutually-made relationship agreements will.

What is pretty much inevitable, though, is the occasional miscommunication or mistake. We’re all imperfect humans and we will sometimes misunderstand our partners, genuinely forget to communicate something important, or realise that we were interpreting the terms of an agreement differently to the other person or people involved.

The bad news is that, when these things happen, they suck. For everyone. The good news is that they’re often entirely recoverable.

Someone Cheated, Broke an Agreement, or Breached Your Trust. What Now?

Sometimes, someone will make a bad choice or one that causes hurt to their partner(s). It would be wonderful if this never happened, but we’re all humans and we live in the real world. The chances of it happening to any of us at some point are fairly high.

I’m approaching this section from the perspective of talking to the person whose trust was broken. However, if you’re the one who did the agreement-breaking, there should be plenty in here for you too.

So, your partner cheated, broke an agreement, or otherwise did something to violate your trust in your polyamorous relationship. What the hell do you do now?

Get the facts and assume good faith

When your feelings are hurt and you’re feeling scared, betrayed, or angry, it’s very easy to assume the worst of everyone involved. You might feel as though they don’t care about you at all, or even that causing you pain was their intention. However, this is often not the case.

Sure, some people are malicious actors who operate with absolutely no regard for their partners’ feelings or even set out to hurt their partners intentionally. The vast majority of people, though, are not like that. Many breaches of trust happen due to thoughtlessness rather than malice. Misunderstandings, forgetfulness, mental health issues, and intoxication are just some of the other non-malicious causes (or contributing factors) that can be behind hurtful choices. They’re not excuses, of course, but understanding that your partner did not harm you intentionally can be helpful in the immediate aftermath of a broken agreement.

Until you know all the facts, try to assume good faith on the part of your parter(s) and anyone else involved. It is far easier to recover from someone doing something stupid but thoughtless than it is to recover from someone intentionally and knowingly choosing to betray you.

The other important thing to do here is watch for patterns. If this is the first time your partner has done something like this and they seem genuinely remorseful, your reaction will likely be (and probably should be) different than if this is the fifth time they’ve done the same thing with the same excuse.

Decide whether repair is possible

You might be someone who considers a broken agreement to be an instant, relationship ending dealbreaker. And you get to make that choice! However, for most of us, this is likely to be contextual.

Choosing to break a safer sex agreement (e.g. not using a condom with a casual hook-up, if that’s what you’ve agreed) in the heat of the moment and then disclosing it to your partner straight away isn’t good, but it’s a world away from repeatedly and deliberately having unprotected sex for months without telling your existing partner(s.) The former is far more likely to be repairable than the latter. Misunderstanding the terms of an agreement in good faith is quantifiably different from understanding the spirit of an agreeement but rules-lawyering your way into violating it anyway.

If your partner has broken an agreement, cheated on you, or otherwise damaged your trust, only you can decide if repair is possible. In other words, are you going to stay and do the work with your partner to fix things, or are you going to leave the relationship?

Either choice is valid, of course. However, I’m personally big on forgiveness and not a fan of throwing relationships away over mistakes. A breach would have to be both huge and clearly deliberate for me to walk away from a relationship over it at this stage.

Feel and express your feelings

We touched on this above. It can be tempting to skip this step, because the feelings these kinds of incidents bring up can be painful and even traumatic. However, it’s essential that you allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Repressing them doesn’t do anyone any good.

Note that expressing your emotions does not mean completely flying off the handle. However, it’s fair to be in a heightened emotional state and – as long as you’re not doing anything abusive such as screaming at your partner, using verbal abuse, showing physical aggression or violence, or threatening harm to them or yourself – you shouldn’t necessarily feel an obligation to tone this down. It’s okay to cry, to express anger, and to show how hurt you are.

Where possible, try to use “I” statements and to be as specific as possible. For example, “when I found out you’d had sex without a condom, I felt disregarded and uncared for” is better than “you obviously just don’t give a fuck about me.” If you need to take a little time and space before you can express your feelings in a healthy way, that’s fine too.

What do you need from your partner?

Assuming your partner made a genuine mistake, they are likely feeling remorseful for their actions, regretting hurting you, and wanting to make amends. Take the time to think about what you need from them for repair to happen.

This can look a bunch of different ways. I’ve had situations where all I needed was an explanation of what happened and why followed by a genuine apology, then we could forget the whole thing and move on. Other situations have required more intensive repair efforts.

Some of the things you might ask for include:

An apology
To talk through exactly what happened and why
A commitment that your partner won’t repeat the behaviour and for them to outline the steps they will take to ensure it doesn’t happen again
Some quality time with your partner to re-establish your connection
Some space from your partner. (Ensure that this doesn’t lead to you stonewalling them or giving them the silent treatment as a punishment. Time-limit it and let them know when you will return. For example, “I’m going to take until tomorrow to process this and care for myself, I’ll call you after work.”)
For the two of you to see a relationship counsellor or therapist together

…or something else that I haven’t thought of! Your partner doesn’t have to give you what you ask for, of course. This is about requests, not demands. But how they respond to your reasonable requests for reconnection, amends, or trust-rebuilding will probably tell you a lot about how they feel about having hurt you and how committed they are to repairing and strengthening your bond.

Resisting the urge to punish or retaliate

This part can be difficult for some people, but it’s essential. If your partner has cheated, violated an agreement, or breached your trust, you might feel a lot of anger. That’s understandable! What you must do, though, is resist the urge to punish them or retaliate from a place of anger.

I’ve seen this look various ways. In cases of agreement breaches or cheating in polyamory, two of the most common are “you have to be monogamous to me but I can still be open, because you broke the rules” and “I’m vetoing the person you made a mistake with, so you have to break up with them.” The other common version in all relationship structures, of course, is “you cheated on me so now I get to cheat on you and you can’t say anything about it.”

Assuming you’ve decided to remain in the relationship, the goal must be to repair, reconnect, and come back together having learned from whatever happened. Depending on the severity, this may not be easy and it may take some time to rebuild trust. However, punishing your partner or retaliating will actually lead you further away from a positive resolution. It may also irrevocably poison your relationship in the long run.

Give it time

Trust is often fragile, particularly for people with trauma histories. It can take a long time to repair when someone breaks it. So don’t expect overnight repair, no matter how remorseful the person who broke an agreement is or how sincerely they commit to ensuring it never happens again.

The best apology, as the saying goes, is changed behaviour. So see how your partner behaves in the aftermath of the trust breach. Do they make sincere efforts to display trustworthiness and make you feel loved and valued? Do they take steps to make sure they don’t repeat the mistake? If so, you’re good.

Broken agreements, trust violations, and cheating in polyamory are incredibly painful and can cause massive ruptures in relationships and polycules. But they don’t necessarily have to mean the end of everything.

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Is Masturbation Cheating? No, And Here’s Why Not

Published on April 20, 2020October 15, 2025 by Amy3 Comments

“Is masturbation cheating?” is a question that comes up surprisingly frequently. A lot of people carry tremendous guilt about masturbating, especially if they are in a relationship, while others feel betrayed by their partner’s solo sex habits.

What is Cheating, Anyway?

In order for me to rip apart the idea that masturbation is cheating, we first need to understand what “cheating” or infidelity actually is.

To monogamous people, cheating is broadly defined as “doing sexual or romantic things with someone who isn’t your partner.” However, this doesn’t hold up for those of us who are polyamorous or in open relationships. In those relationships, doing sexual or romantic things with multiple people is the entire point. However, it’s still possible to commit infidelity, betray a partner, or cheat in polyamory or a non-monogamous relationship.

Broadly speaking, my working definition of cheating is knowingly and willfully breaking the agreements of your relationship in order to engage sexually or romatically with another person without your partner’s knowledge and/or consent.

You Can’t Cheat On Your Partner With Yourself

Masturbation is solo sex, or something that you do alone with your own body. By definition, therefore, it cannot be cheating because it does not involve a third party. You cannot cheat on your partner with yourself.

If touching your own body sexually is cheating, then is going to a coffee shop or restaurant by yourself also cheating? After all, you’d presumably sometimes do those things with your partner, right? If this argument sounds ludicrous, it’s because the idea that masturbation is cheating is also ludicrous.

Again: you can’t cheat with yourself.

Is Masturbation Cheating if My Partner is Jerking Off All the Time Instead of Having Sex With Me?

If you’re dissatisfied with the sexual relationship you have with your partner, you need to have a conversation. However, to the question of whether masturbation is cheating if your partner is doing it instead of having sex with you, the answer is still no.

It might be upsetting. It might even cause you to end the relationship or renegotiate aspects of it. But is it cheating? No. Your partner doesn’t owe you sex, and their right to a solo sex life is not contingent on their providing you with sexual access to them.

If you and your partner aren’t having sex, or are having sex less than you would like, it’s important to talk about it. Sexual incompatibilities in a relationship can be hard, but they’re a thousand times harder when you don’t talk about them.

Forbidding your partner to masturbate might seem like an easy answer if you’re not getting your sexual needs met, but it’s never okay to infringe on your partner’s bodily autonomy in this way. It also won’t actually solve the problem because, in all but the most extreme cases, the chances are that your partner’s lack of interest in sex has little or nothing to do with their masturbation habits. It’s far more likely that other issues such as relationship problems, pain or lack of pleasure during partnered sex, low self esteem, physical or mental health challenges, sexual trauma, or just plain old exhaustion are at play.

Is Masturbation Cheating If I Hide It?

No.

Your partner doesn’t need to know everything you do that doesn’t impact them directly. This includes masturbation.

Of course, in an ideal world I believe that partners should be able to talk openly about sex, including masturbation. But this doesn’t mean that you need to tell your partner every time you do it, or even specifically notify them that you masturbate at all. The overwhelming majority of people do it, so we should all probably just assume that our partners are getting themselves off sometimes and that it’s not a big deal.

People in relationships are still allowed privacy, and that privacy includes the right to have a private solo sex life if you want to.

Is Masturbation Cheating if I Watch Porn or Fantasise?

Still no.

I understand that people can have strong opinions about porn and other erotic media. And I can understand wanting to be with someone whose views on the subject align with yours. However, I still firmly believe that – as long as you’re using it mindfully – consuming porn or erotica can be a part of a healthy solo sex life that has no negative impact on your relationship whatsoever.

And by the way: porn is not an addiction. Neither is using a sex toy.

Similarly, fantasising is not a problem. Most of us find people other than our partners attractive at least occasionally, or have a sexual fantasy about something we haven’t done/won’t do/can’t do with our current partners. Fantasy is fantasy, and does not equate to action. Simply put, it is not cheating.

Your Body Belongs To You

You have an absolute, inalienable right to bodily autonomy. Your body belongs to you and nobody else. Always.

And yes, this applies even in a 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationship. You might consensually agree to play with things like chastity or orgasm control because they’re fun, but even a submissive partner can always take back control, renegotiate, or withdraw consent at any time. If you can’t then you don’t have a relationship, you have a hostage situation.

You have the right to do what you like with and to your own body. And that includes the right to engage in a sexual relationship with yourself. Even if you’ve agreed to be monogamous, your partner does not own your sexuality. Trying to control you to that extent, or limit the ways you can engage privately with your own body, is a major red flag or abuse or coercive control.

The polyamory flag colours on a pink background for a post about what You Me Her got wrong about polyamory

All the Things “You, Me, Her” Got Wrong About Polyamory

Published on October 25, 2018October 29, 2025 by Amy1 Comment

Regular readers might remember that I briefly flirted with a ridiculous quest to review and recap every episode of You, Me, Her, the polyamory-centered romcom that premiered on Netflix in 2016. However, this fizzled out somewhere in the middle of Season 1 because I ran out of time, energy and fucks to give about this stupid show.

By the way: if you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy my review of everything The L Word: Generation Q got wrong about polyamory.

You, Me, Her was inexplicably well-received, receiving an average review rating of 84% on Rotten Tomatoes and 7/10 on IMDB. However, I suspect the vast majority of the watchers and reviewers were monogamous people who enjoyed this show as a titillating peek into what they imagine polyamory to be like. Amongst polyamorous people, though, it was pretty much universally trashed.

**Heads-up that this review contains spoilers for the first three seasons of You, Me, Her.**

In case you haven’t seen it, You, Me, Her is an American comedy-drama series following suburban married couple Jack (Greg Poehler) and Emma (Rachel Blanchard.) Bored with their marriage, both members of the couple hire much younger sex worker, Izzy Silva (Priscilla Faia.) When they both fall in love with her, they decide to enter a polyamorous triad. Chaos ensues.

Instead of reviewing this mess one episode at a time, I thought I’d bring you all the things I think it got wrong about polyamory – so far – in one easy post.

1. Triads don’t typically start with married couples hiring the same escort

Or: Izzy would never date these two idiots.

Izzy is a 25-year-old college student who is doing sex work to pay her way through university. Jack hires her for a date and, when Emma finds out, she does the same thing because that’s how mature, married adults slap a bandage on cheating, apparently. However, Izzy inexplicably decides she’s super duper into both of them for real. This would never happen.

Any sex worker in Izzy’s place would do her job, take the money, and leave this pair to work out their shit in suburban hell by themselves. Polyamorous relationships can start in lots of ways, but “we both hired the same sex worker” isn’t one of them.

2. Being polyamorous in Portland would not destroy your life

This show is set in Portland, Oregon, a city that is not only famous for being super liberal, but where I know for a fact there’s a huge polyamorous community. Sure, there are some conservative people there as there are anywhere. But the idea that being outed as bisexual and/or non-monogamous in fucking Portland would totally destroy Emma’s life is wildly unrealistic. If the writers wanted that narrative to work, they should have set it in rural Alabama or something.

Jack and Emma agree that they each get “two nights with her… I mean you” (that is, with Izzy) per week. They then have a debate about who “gets” Izzy first.

Do I really have to spell out all the ways this is gross beyond belief? She’s a human being, not a pie to be shared out in equal slices. Ethical polyamory does not involve married couples treating third parties like literal toys.

4. Using polyamory to save a failing marriage never works

The entire You, Me, Her polyamory situation begins when Jack and Emma decide they’ll each go on dates with Izzy, then come back fired up and ready to ravish the hell out of each other. However, that’s not how polyamory works. That’s also not how feelings or sexual desire work. And once again, it’s objectifying as hell. They’re basically using Izzy as a human sex toy.

Opening up the relationship isn’t how you inject sexual spark back into your ailing marriage. “Relationship broken, add more people” is a cliche because people attempt it all the time and it works… literally never.

Also, can we talk about how angry Jack gets mad Emma comes back from her date and isn’t up for fucking him right there and then? Your partner doesn’t owe you sex just because they just went on a date with someone else.

5. Jealousy is inevitable, but courting it isn’t healthy

Jealousy in polyamory is normal and fine, as long as you deal with it in a healthy way. Trying to make your partner jealous deliberately in order to make them want you more is manipulative, cruel, and ineffective.

Jack and Emma use Izzy to make each other jealous. Izzy then uses Andy, who is a kind of dick but seems to be really into her, to make Jack and Emma jealous. No-one is having a good time.

6. Polyamory isn’t just for rich white people

Jack and Emma are the type of white, affluent, married professionals you’d expect to see at a swingers’ club. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, except that the polyamorous community is actually hugely diverse and we’re all bored as hell of seeing every representation of polyamory reduced down to “rich white people who don’t like fucking their spouses any more.”

7. No-one falls for two people at the same rate, at the same time, and in the same way

Unfortunately, this is exactly what Jack and Emma expect of Izzy. In fact, it’s pretty much what all inexperienced unicorn hunters expect of their new partners and it is wildly unrealistic.

At one point in the show, it becomes apparent that Izzy’s connection with Emma is growing stronger while her connection with Jack is developing at a slower pace. Instead of dealing with his feelings or communicating with his partners, Jack throws a fit and fucks off for several days.

8. You don’t have to live with all your partners (and most people don’t)

Jack, Emma and Izzy move in together almost the moment they’ve decided to give a triad relationship a go. Not only is this the mother of all bad ideas, it’s also just unrealistic.

Most people, regardless of relationship structure, want to wait until a relationship is stable and established before cohabiting is even discussed. Many polyamorous people never want to live with all their partners. Many of us have one nesting parter. Others prefer to live alone.

By the way: regardless of relationship set-up, the trope of three people sharing a double bed every night trope is sweet but unrealistic. Being the middle spoon is lovely for about five seconds, until you overheat or both your partners start snoring.

9. Extremely conservative, homophobic parents don’t come around in three seconds flat

When Emma’s parents visit, they inevitably find out about the polyamory situation almost immediately. However, they also transition from being hyper-conservative, openly-homophobic bigots who only care about Emma having babies to being totally chill with everything in less than five minutes of screen time (which equates to perhaps an hour in plot-time).

People can come around, of course. People question their assumptions when they are directly confronted with them by someone they love. But it usually takes more time than this, and often much more.

10. Communication, not sex, is the way to solve your problems

Whenever Jack, Emma and Izzy have a relationship problem, they just fuck and it all goes away (until it inevitably returns, of course, because they didn’t actually address it.) Sex is great but it’s not a way to fix problems. Only honest, open, and respectful communication can do that.

And by the way? Treating someone like shit until they leave and then chasing them through an airport is not romantic.

11. And finally, we are all monumentally sick of MFF closed triads

Many people assume that all polyamory is one straight, cisgender man with two bisexual, cisgender women in a closed triad. Polyamorous newcomers often assume this is the most desirable configuration. However, it’s actually a fairly rare set-up, hard to attain and even harder to maintain over a long period of time. Yet it’s the only fucking representation the mainstream media is willing to give us.

Can we move on to something more representative and less male-gazey already, please?

You, Me, Her review: a bad show with worse messaging

I am convinced the people who made this show have either never met a polyamorous person or don’t like us very much. This is bad representation. It furthers negative stereotypes, it romanticises behaviour that is at best toxic and at worst abusive, and it views polyamory through the “tee-hee look at these weirdos” gaze of the monogamous world.

There are two more seasons of this show still to come, so maybe I’ll watch them and come back with a full review when we’ve seen how it ends. On the other hand, maybe I don’t hate myself that much.

Did you enjoy this You, Me, Her review of sorts? If so, please buy me a coffee!