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I’m a long-time listener of the Multiamory Podcast. So I was excited when host Dedeker Winston announced she was writing a book on polyamory. Dedeker and her co-hosts are funny, wise, insightful and down to Earth on the podcast. As a result, I had high hopes for The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy and Alternative Love.

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory by Dedeker Winston is fresh take on the polyamory advice book genre, with women and female experiences front and centre.

Dedeker Winston, image provided by the author

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory by Dedeker Winston: About the Book

The book is grouped into chapters, which are clustered into four sections. There’s Polyamory 101, Pre Reqs, Mastering Non-Monogamy, and Out of the Classroom, Into the World. I read it cover to cover, but you could just as easily dip in and out, picking and choosing the sections that feel most relevant to you.

Polyamory 101

This section covers what polyamory is (and what it isn’t,) some of the different forms that ethical non monogamy can take, and an absolutely fascinating chapter on the socio-cultural and anthropological history of non-monogamy. Dedeker also talks us through some of the common objections to polyamory, from family and friends or from society at large, and possible ways to counter them.

Pre-Reqs

This section deals with self-knowledge, really interrogating who you are, what you want and what makes you tick, as well as the skills required to live a happy and healthy non-monogamous life (it goes beyond just “communicate,” y’all!)

Mastering Non-Monogamy

This is where the real meat of this book is. There’s the expected chapter on jealousy, a whole chapter on sex and the various issues surrounding it, advice on crafting positive and healthy relationship agreements, and more.

Out of the Classroom, Into the World

Finally, this section attemtps to take the theories discussed in previous chapters and apply them in real-world situations. Dedeker discusses polyamorous dating, finding community, and coming out of (or choosing to stay in!) the closet. She also explores how polyamory can intersect with a range of marginalised identities and liberation movements.

Dedeker Winston Centres Women and Writes With Unflinching Honesty

This book is not easy reading at times. Dedeker approaches difficult topics with a light touch and a healthy dose of humour, but there are parts that are unavoidably difficult reading. Though she doesn’t actually use the word, she candidly describes behaviour by a former partner that can only be labelled as abusive.

It’s not all sunshine and light. Dedeker gives us the bad, scary, and unshiny parts of polyamory as well as the love and joy. She challenges us repeatedly to be brave. She invites us to be unfalteringly honest with ourselves and our loved ones, and to do the hard work required to be stronger, better, more compassionate versions of ourselves.

What sets this book apart from the others I’ve read is that women are centred throughout. Dedeker shares her experience on the unique struggles of a polyamorous, queer, sex-positive woman and tackles those challenges head on. She encourages other women to battle outdated gender stereotypes, sex-negativity, slut shaming, rape culture, and the myriad other issues that disproportionately affect women and those read as women in trying to live a non-monogamous life.

But despite this female focus, the book is consistently inclusive. It makes no assumptions about the age, sexuality, gender identity or relationship style of the reader. For this reason, I really think anyone interested in polyamory or consensual non-monogamy can find value in it.

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory by Dedeker Winston: Final Thoughts

Dedeker’s tone is compassionate and non-judgemental throughout The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory. She shares her experiences and wisdom about what tends to work well and what doesn’t. However, she also seems to intuitively understand that everyone’s experience is different and that different relationship styles will work for each person, couple, or polycule.

The guiding principles are self knowledge, strong communication, compassion, honesty, good boundaries, and integrity. And these are applicable in making any style of relationship a success.

Buy The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory by Dedeker Winston from your local bookstore.

Book cover image and author headshot courtesy of the author and reproduced with permission.

When my nesting partner, Mr C&K, and I moved in together, we decided to get joint therapy to help ease the transition and navigate some past traumas that were impacting our relationship. However, as kinky, polyamorous folks in a mixed-orientation and age-gap relationship, it was important to us to find a sex positive therapist who wouldn’t pathologise us.

We got incredibly lucky. The first person we found was, and is, absolutely amazing. She listens to us, believes our experiences, doesn’t pathologise our identities or practices, and educates herself on the issues that impact us.

Most people, however, are not so lucky. It can take a long time to find a good sex positive therapist. Folks with marginalised identities such as queer folks, trans and non-binary folks, people of colour, and disabled or neurodivergent people may struggle to find good sex-positive therapy even more.

These are five strategies I found helpful. Maybe they’ll help you, too!

Use an Appropriate Directory to Find a Sex Positive Therapist

There are directories of kink-aware and sex-positive therapists and other professionals, where you can vet your prospective therapist for specific knowledge and competencies.

Try the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (multiple countries, somewhat US centric,) the Open List (US only) or Pink Therapy (mainly UK), or do a Google search for sex-positive therapists in your area.

Ensure Your Therapist is Sex Positive By Putting Everything on the Table Upfront

When I say “upfront,” I mean “ideally before the first appointment.” You’ll probably talk to a potential therapist on the phone or by email, and this is a great time to tell them anything you want them to know before setting up your first appointment.

This can be a difficult and vulnerable conversation to have with a stranger. But if you want to ensure that you’ll be getting informed, aware, sex-positive therapy, it’s so worth it. By the time you get into their office (or Zoom room), you’ll feel confident that they understand and respect you for who you are.

Be Matter-of-Fact

Your identites aren’t the problem, so don’t apologise for them. A sex positive therapist will take on board that you’re queer, non-monogamous, kinky, or however you identify and won’t pathologise you for these things.

If your therapist acts as though your sexuality or sexual identities are problematic, or tries to convince you they need to change, fire them immediately and find someone else.

Not sure how to put it? A great sentence is something like: “Just so you know, for context, I’m queer, polyamorous, and I practice BDSM. Do you know what those things are? What that means to me is…”

Expect Them to Educate Themselves

If you manage to find a sex-positive therapist with lived experience of an identity like yours, amazing. But if they’re not already an expert, educating themselves is their job.

Of course, you will need to talk about what words like “polyamorous” or “kinky” or “sex positive” mean to you. But at the end of the day, you’re paying them to help you. That help includes educating themselves. If they’re taking up a lot of your session asking you basic or 101 questions, suggest some resources and move the conversation on. If they make no effort to learn, they’re a bad therapist.

Don’t Be Afraid to Steer the Conversation

Therapy is your time, so don’t be afraid to steer the conversation in the direction you want it to go. “I’d really like to focus on…” is a useful phrase. Again, if your therapist insists that an aspect of your sexuality is a problem when it isn’t problematic for you, think about moving on.

A good sex positive therapist will never use any expression resembling “you wouldn’t have this problem if you were [monogamous/vanilla/etc.]”

Remember You Deserve Top Quality Care

Therapy is expensive, unless you live in a country with a functioning socialised mental healthcare system (lucky you if so.)

You deserve the best care from your therapist. Good sex positive therapy is a relationship built on trust, and you can end the therapist/client relationship any time if things aren’t working out. Please don’t settle for someone who doesn’t treat you – all facets of you – with the respect you deserve.

If this piece helped you, please consider buying me a virtual coffee to say thanks!

Tag: relationships

[Book Review] The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory by Dedeker Winston