Tag: tv

A man wearing a checked shirt and jeans sits on a bottom step with his head in his hands. Text reads: How damaging sexual scripts allow abuse of boys to thrive

[Guest Post] How Damaging Sexual Scripts Allow Abuse of “Lucky Boys” to Thrive by Poly Lone Ranger

Published on by Amy

Today’s post by Poly Lone Ranger, AKA James Mosley II (he/him), is an important topic that isn’t talked about anywhere near enough. Heads-up that this one comes with a trigger warning for abuse, rape, and sexual violence. It also discusses sexual scripts and the limiting, gendered, and cisheteronormative societal ideals around sex, bodies, and consent.

Amy x

How Damaging Sexual Scripts Allow Abuse of “Lucky Boys” to Thrive by Poly Lone Ranger

It’s Friday night, and I’m lounging in my room with a beer, fully engrossed in the TV miniseries A Teacher (currently on Hulu). For those who haven’t seen it, the show stars Kate Mara as Claire Wilson, a newly appointed AP high school teacher in her early 30s, and Nick Robinson as Eric Walker, Claire’s 17-year-old student on the cusp of college. What starts as Claire tutoring Eric for the SATs soon turns into an inappropriate intimate relationship between teacher and student.

As I watched, I noticed myself experiencing arousal during Eric and Claire’s interactions—a super unsettling reaction that made me think on how much cultural narratives shape our sexual responses, even when we intellectually recognize something as abusive. So I asked myself why. Why would I feel this way knowing what I was watching was an abuse narrative—a young boy being taken advantage of by someone in power?

Digging deeper, I came across BSc psychology grad Charlotte Houghton’s study Addressing Gender Bias in the Narrative of Teacher-Student Sexual Crimes [2]. Houghton calls out this trope: “Media coverage often portrays abusive female teachers as participants in ‘love affairs’ or ‘romances’ rather than categorizing them as sexual predators, as male teachers are typically labelled.”

That hit me hard. The same thing occurs with pornographic scenes and cultural conditioning. Maybe I wasn’t fantasizing freely on my own, but repeating what society had taught me to see as “desirable” and, in some minds, acceptable.

Why It Matters

According to the CDC as of 2025, one in 20 boys in the U.S. experiences child sexual abuse before adulthood [1]. Yet male victimization is immensely underreported because cultural norms discourage boys and men from seeing themselves as victims of sexual violence.

While most people correctly recognize sexual contact between an adult and a minor as abuse, society often reacts more leniently when the predator is a woman and the victim is a young boy. Dr. Houghton further notes that public perception of adult male teacher/minor female student abuse is overwhelmingly negative, but adult female teacher/minor male student cases are often romanticized or even outright eroticized.

Boys are handed scripts from a young age about what being a man means. These scripts come from the media, family, and peers. These narratives become instructions for how men “should” act in intimate and sexual scenarios, often erasing the acknowledgement of consent, emotional awareness, vulnerability, and the possibility of victimhood.

Let’s unpack seven common sexual scripts that disguise abuse as a normal or even desirable part of male development, silencing young boys while protecting predators.

What Are Sexual Scripts?

So what are sexual scripts? Sexual scripts, a term coined by sociologists John H. Gagnon and William Simon [6] and later expanded by N. Tatiana Masters, Erin Casey, Elizabeth Wells, and Diane Morrison [3], are social manuals teaching people how to conduct themselves intimately and/or sexually. These scripts become performed out on the world stage and are usually enacted subconsciously.

Masters’ study Sexual Scripts Among Young Heterosexually Active Men and Women: Continuity and Change [3] outlines some common male scripts: always desiring sex, initiating it, having strong “sex drives,” being skilled lovers, prioritizing sex over emotional connections, and seeking multiple partners.

Below are seven sexual scripts that help abuse of boys flourish:

  1. Men should always be ready and willing for sex
  2. Men should always initiate sex
  3. Masculinity is synonymous with sexual conquest
  4. Men are supposed to be dominant and in control
  5. Men must be skilled lovers naturally
  6. Men should prioritize penetration and orgasm
  7. Men shouldn’t show emotional intimacy or vulnerability during sex

Script 1: Men Should Always Be Ready and Willing

The assumption that men should always want sex disregards the requirement for them to consent to sex each time. Mark Travers, Ph.D., in Are Men Always Ready & Willing To Have Sex? [7] found that 61% of men reported “mild sexual compliance” in the past year. That is, they said yes to unwanted sexual activity simply because it was expected.

When boys internalize this script, they become easy targets. A teenage boy “going along” with an older woman’s advances may believe he consented, even when his gut said no. Predators can frame abuse as harmless or even generous: she “gave him” a sexual experience he was supposedly lucky to have.

This script primes boys to misinterpret coercion as a natural expectation, and ignores the very power imbalances that enable and normalize abuse.

Script 2: Men Should Always Initiate

From evolutionary “hunter” myths to contemporary media portrayals, boys are told they should pursue and chase everything sexual. When an older woman initiates, the taboo can feel erotic rather than predatory, at least on the surface.

Grooming often disguises itself as a choice. A boy may feel he “chose” the relationship, when in reality he was carefully steered by his abuser. Because society casts men as pursuers, young male victims may convince themselves they always had agency in the dynamic.

This script reinforces the idea that boys can be complicit in their own abuse.

Script 3: Masculinity is Synonymous with Sexual Conquest

When I was in middle school and high school, having sex was the ultimate status symbol among boys. Counting sexual partners became a toxic but common pastime. Masters’ study cites Ethan, a young man who felt it was his “mission” to have sex with “as many girls as I can,” even though it left him feeling unsatisfied. I’ve been there myself.

When masculinity is measured by the number of sexual partners (especially female partners), boys can even be pushed to count sex with a female predator as an accomplishment instead of harmful. Abuse becomes viewed as a trophy rather than a trauma.

Script 4: Men Are Supposed to Be Dominant and in Control

Societal narratives about masculinity conflate it with dominance. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) notes: “male survivors struggle to label abuse as abuse because vulnerability doesn’t
fit the dominant male role” [4]

Boys may interpret sex with an older woman as “being chosen” or “having power”, or “being the man” (as Eric Walker repeatedly says in A Teacher) as even when the power imbalance is stacked against them.

Sexual scripts that reinforce the idea of being a man alongside “dominance” prevents boys from acknowledging when they are in a situation in which they are overpowered or in danger, normalizing abuse under the guise of masculinity.

Script 5: Men Must Be Skilled Lovers Naturally

From medieval chivalry to modern porn, men are told they should already “know” how to perform sexually. This social expectation leaves no room for learning, confusion, or boundaries.

Boys may believe they naturally have components of intimacy such as consent figured out when they don’t. If an older woman initiates, the boy assumes he’s supposed to rise to the occasion and “perform”. He judges himself on skill instead of reflecting on his short life experience and giving himself space to learn, grow, and get to know himself.

Scripts that enforce performance over agency contribute directly to silenced boy victims.

Script 6: Men Should Prioritize Penetration and Orgasm

This script reduces sex to mechanics. Emotional impact and consent barely factor in.

Research on male sexual assault mentions that men often experience erections or ejaculation during assault. NSVRC adds, “Some men may question that sexual assault could have happened if part of it was enjoyable, or if they became physically aroused” [4].

Physical response isn’t consent. Scripts equating orgasm with pleasure or consent dismiss boys’ abuse as enjoyment, enabling predators.

Script 7: Men Shouldn’t Show Emotional Intimacy or Vulnerability

John Wayne. Gary Cooper. Clint Eastwood. From toxically masculine figures in film to emotionally shut-down fathers, boys are often taught, “don’t cry, don’t feel.” Vulnerability during sex is especially off-limits.

NSVRC explains: “men may feel the need to be silent about their abuse because of the internalized belief that men can’t be victims, or that men should not express weakness” [4].

If an older person crosses a line, there is little space for boys to process trauma. They may brag to peers or stay silent—both strategies that bury real harm. Scripts that enforce emotional suppression keep abuse
hidden and unacknowledged.

Sexual Scripts, Abuse, and a Cultural Double Standard

Reactions to abuse differ starkly by gender. Comment sections of headlines online describing female teacher/male student abuse are full of men saying, “where was she when I was in high school?!” While passed off as jokes such remarks excuse predators and erase boys’ victimhood.

Australian and U.S. studies of Facebook comments executed by Kristan Russell, Ph.D. confirm this: attractive female predators are often excused as “pretty women,” while male victims are framed as “lucky blokes” [5].

In Dr. Russell’s study participants read newspaper articles describing a case of a local teacher who engaged in sexual misconduct with a 17-year-old student. When the scenario was an adult female teacher and underage male student, the relationship was viewed to be less harmful to the student, the student to be more mature and responsible, and the relationship to be more acceptable. Society’s double standard hides abuse and shields perpetrators.

Real-World Consequences

These scripts don’t just warp perception. They leave deep scars. Male survivors of childhood sexual abuse face a higher risk of depression, anxiety, intimacy struggles, and substance abuse. Many disclose their experiences only decades later, if ever.

Society’s insistence that boys “enjoyed it” or were “lucky” leads survivors to gaslight themselves, misinterpreting abuse as consensual. Without validation, trauma festers, negatively impacting relationships, self-worth, and mental health.

Beyond Sexual Scripts: What Can We Do About It?

Now the good news is that sexual scripts aren’t permanent. Since they were learned, they can be unlearned.

First we must shift how we view offenses and stop romanticizing and/or eroticizing young male victimization, especially when the abuser is attractive and female. The “lucky boy” narrative isn’t harmless—it shields abuse.

If we want boys to speak up without shame, we must challenge these scripts. Male victimhood is as real and deserving of compassion as female victimhood. Boys who experience abuse deserve protection, recognition, and empathy. Anything less ensures the abuse continues. Until we rewrite these scripts, abuse will continue to hide in plain sight.

Sources & Further Reading

[1] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024, May 16). About child sexual abuse.
National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.

[2] Houghton, C. (2024, March 14). Gender bias in teacher-student sexual crimes. The
Academic. Retrieved August 21, 2025

[3] Masters, N. T., Casey, E., Wells, E. A., & Morrison, D. M. (2013). Sexual scripts among
young heterosexually active men and women: Continuity and change. Journal of Sex
Research, 50(5), 409–420.

[4] National Sexual Violence Resource Center. (n.d.). Understanding male socialization,
stigma, and reactions to sexual violence. National Sexual Violence Resource Center. Retrieved August 21, 2025

[5] Prairie View A&M University. (2021, April 26). Study: Teachers’ gender, sexuality, age
affect perceptions of sexual misconduct of students. Prairie View A&M University.
Retrieved August 21, 2025

[6] Gagnon, J. H., & Simon, W. (1973). Sexual conduct: The social sources of human
sexuality. Aldine Publishing Company.

[7] Travers, M. (2022, May 7). Are men always ready and willing to have sex?
Therapytips.org. Retrieved August 21, 2025

[8] Thomas, J. C., & Kopel, J. (2023). Male victims of sexual assault: A review of the
literature. Behavioral Sciences, 13(4), 304.

About the Writer

James Mosley II, AKA Poly Lone Ranger, is a writer, aspiring sexuality educator & researcher, and a current graduate student at Widener University, where he’s earning his M.Ed in Human Sexuality. He is passionate about non-monogamy, robust sex education, and helping others find and accept their most authentic selves in the realm of sexuality. James is the author of the children’s coloring book, “Coloring Connection VOL 1.” You can find more of his projects at https://beacons.ai/polyloneranger.

Header for a post on everything The L Word Generation Q got wrong about polyamory

Everything The L Word: Generation Q Got Wrong About Polyamory

Published on by Amy

I just finished my rewatch of The L Word: Generation Q. This follow-up from the hit series from the early-mid 2000s catches up with fan faves Bette (Jennifer Beals), Alice (Leisha Hailey), and Shane (Katherine Moennig) 10 years later as well as bringing in a host of new gay, queer and trans characters.

From here on out there will be spoilers for all three seasons of the series, so stop reading now if you want to avoid those!

It’s safe to say that, in many ways, Generation Q tries to fix some of the things that The L Word got wrong. Notably, there is significantly improved representation of Alice’s bisexuality (and bisexuality in general), much better trans representation (Shane’s apology to Max for “the way we were back then” reads to me as an apology from the producers to the entire trans community), and the addition of non-binary characters as well as butch women characters.

One thing it still manages to get horrendously wrong, though, is its representation of consensual non-monogamy and polyamory. The most notable polyamory storyline features Alice, her girlfriend of two years Nat, and Nat’s ex-wife Gigi, but I also have things to say about Shane and non-monogamy.

Back in 2018, I wrote about all the things You Me Her got wrong about polyamory (spoiler: a lot.) Let’s give The L Word: Generation Q the same treatment, shall we?

Most polyamory isn’t triads…

This is the eternal problem of polyamory in fiction: most writers seem to think that the default configuration for polyamory is a triad (or, to use a cringeworthily terrible word I wish would die already, “throuple.”) That is, three people in a relationship all together. In the vast majority of cases, this is the only representation we get.

The reality is that triads are fairly rare. Stable, healthy, functional triads are even rarer. It’s a really difficult dynamic to both find and sustain, with a very high failure rate, and is just not representative of how most people do polyamory.

The only slight saving grace here is that it’s three women rather than the “one man, two women” configuration we usually see.

…and even when it is, they don’t typically start from drunk threesomes…

I wouldn’t have had a problem with the threesome story if it had been handled differently. The show could have done something interesting with Alice, Nat and Gigi having the threesome and then having to deal with the resulting awkwardness and emotional fallout. Things happen, particularly when unresolved feelings and a lot of tequila are involved. And frankly it’s a fucking hot scene.

But for an alcohol-fuelled spontaneous threesome to transition to a full-on triad in the space of, seemingly, about two days is flat-out ridiculous.

…and even when they do, they don’t typically involve two ex-wives

Look, I understand that the point of this storyline was to show that Nat and Gigi aren’t over each other and that Nat genuinely loves Alice while also genuinely loving Gigi. But the bungled triad storyline was the worst possible way to do it. Anyone with a modicum of polyamory experience would have been screaming watching this.

Poor Alice never stood a chance in this situation. Pro tip: if you’re going to try polyamory, a triad is hard mode. If you’re going to try a triad anyway, doing it with your (or your partner’s) ex is the worst possible way to go about it.

Why does Nat give Alice false hope with a promise of monogamy?

After the triad falls apart, Nat turns up at Alice’s show recording to win her back and promises that she wants to love and be with “just her.” But they’ve barely reconciled when she’s coming out as polyamorous, and has apparently been thinking she might be polyam for a long time.

So why, then, did she make a promise she knew she might not be able to keep? This just seems exceptionally and needlessly cruel to Alice.

Does Alice have to be so judgy?

Alice has been subjected to a fair amount of bigotry and prejudice on the show, not least a lot of biphobia (including from her friends.) She’s also a fan favourite, and perhaps the character I personally relate to the most. So it was really, really disappointing to see this exchange:

Nat: “Monogamy isn’t for everyone.”
Alice: “It’s for most people. Except the bad ones.”

I can accept that Alice can’t handle polyamory in her own relationship. That’s fair – like monogamy, it’s not for everyone. But it makes me really sad to see her being so harsh and judgemental about it. When Nat goes and cries in the bathroom after this exchange, my heart broke for her.

When did Nat and Alice discuss… literally anything?

In a pretty tender and emotional scene, Nat comes out as polyamorous to a horrified Alice. Next thing we know, she’s coming back from her first overnight sex date. I hate that the show totally skipped over everything that comes in between these two points – the hours of talking, negotiating, processing, discussing agreements and boundaries and more.

Obviously we couldn’t see all of this, because the show only has so much time. But one or two scenes is, surely, not too much to ask for. Instead, it gives the impression that the opening up journey is a quick hop, skip and jump from “I think I’m polyamorous” to “overnight dates.”

How the fuck has Shane never heard of ENM?

After Shane inevitably cheats on her girlfriend Tess (played by the gorgeous and fabulous Jamie Clayton of Sense8 fame) and they’re trying to work things out, Tess asks Shane if she wants to do ethical non-monogamy (ENM.) Shane, the player and womanizer extraordinaire who also lives in a huge liberal city and has been part of the LGBTQ community for decades, has apparently… never heard of this concept.

It’s even implied at one point that Shane and her ex-wife Quiara had some kind of non-monogamous relationship when Quiara says something like “you and I have never done things the conventional way.” Yet later on, Shane’s somehow never even considered this possibility. It makes absolutely no sense.

And one thing the show got right: the heartbreak of incompatibility

I hate how it got there, but I actually think having Alice and Nat break up over their incompatible views on monogamy was a good and powerful storyline. Because in those situations, where one of you wants monogamy and the other doesn’t, breaking up is often inevitable and usually the best choice (even though it utterly sucks.)

Credit where credit is due, this was a far better choice than either Alice reluctantly going along with polyamory or Nat reluctantly going along with monogamy.

But seriously, when are we going to get better polyamorous representation on TV? When are writers and producers going to start actually, you know, talking to polyamorous people?

Is there anything that The L Word: Generation Q got wrong about polyamory that I’ve missed? Anything you think it got right?

Wedding cake with bride and groom toppers, for a post about The Bold Type's Suttard and incompatibilities around wanting children

On “Suttard,” Fundamental Incompatibilities, and Happy Ever After

Published on by Amy1 Comment

This post contains spoilers for all five seasons of The Bold Type! Stop reading now if you don’t want to be spoilered.

Like many fans of Freeform’s The Bold Type, which just finished its fifth and final season, I was rooting for a happy outcome for Sutton Brady-Hunter and Richard Hunter (known collectively by the fandom as “Suttard.”) They’re the best straight couple on the show by far, from their Bluetooth vibrator sex date to their incredible Paris reunion in the season 2 finale.

At the end of season 4, the newly married couple have a blow-out argument when Sutton realises she doesn’t want to have children, causing Richard – who longs to be a dad – to leave her and then (at the beginning of season 5) begin divorce proceedings.

Over the course of the final season, Sutton destroys her wedding dress, throws a “divorce party,” starts therapy, and quits drinking in an attempt to get over Richard. Then they meet up to swap divorce papers, predictably fall into bed with each other, and Richard realises how much he loves her and that he doesn’t want a life without her, even if it means giving up his dream of having children.

So far, so romantic? But…

Fundamental incompatibilities

No two people will ever be perfectly aligned on every issue or desire. That’s impossible because we’re all multifaceted, nuanced, and complex creatures. But there are, I believe, a few fundamentals. Things you need to agree on (or at least be genuinely, wholeheartedly happy to compromise on) in order to have a functional relationship.

Having children is one of those things. (Others might include getting married or not, being monogamous or not, and possibly even political affiliation.)

Some things are just deal breakers. Some things should be deal-breakers. Because in reality, much as we want to believe that love conquers all, it doesn’t. Love doesn’t conquer wanting different things in uncompromisable situations. You can’t have half a child. You can’t be half married. Love, however real and powerful, doesn’t make these incompatibilities go away or create the potential for a compromise where there is none.

Fairytale endings: fantasy vs. reality

I’m glad the writers chose to end The Bold Type the way they did. Ultimately, this show is escapist fantasy – a Sex & the City for millennials with little grounding in the real world. Suttard fans were crushed when the couple split up and were rooting for them to get back together and somehow find a way through their conflicting desires.

The writers gave us what we wanted. Find me a single fan who didn’t let out a collective “awwww” at this moment:

GIF of Richard Hunter and Sutton Brady (Suttard)

But it really is just fantasy. In reality, fairytale endings like this don’t happen. Or if they do, they cause intense resentment and bigger problems down the line.

I admit that I struggle to relate to Richard, personally. As someone who decided early on that I will be childfree for life, I find it very difficult to imagine wanting to have children more than wanting to be with the person I love. (And my god, these two really do love each other – Meghann Fahy and Sam Page have incredible on-screen chemistry!)

But many people do feel like that, and it’s valid and real. Many people want to be a parent more than anything, even if it means they can’t be with the person they thought was their forever person. And those people can’t just switch that off the way Richard seems to in this too-neat-to-be-real happy ever after.

Happy endings don’t exist

A much younger, more naive version of me thought that I’d find a happy ending someday. When I left my abuser and fell in love with Mr CK, I wondered if I’d found it – if everything would be plain sailing from here.

What I can tell you now, years later, is that no. I hadn’t found a happy ending. Not because this relationship isn’t wonderful. It was then and it is now. But because happy endings of the fairytale kind don’t exist.

Real relationships require constant communication, ongoing compromise, and recalibration as you both grow and change. You can decide to be together, to commit, to go all-in, but that doesn’t take away from the very real work required to make love work long term.

Love is messy, love is nuanced, love is the best thing in the world. But it is not magical. It does not remove all obstacles or effortlessly sweep them aside. And some obstacles are too big to overcome.

So I’ll enjoy the Suttard happy ending for what it is: escapist fantasy wrapping up five seasons of escapist fantasy. But I’m glad it’s not real. Because as much as I want someone to love me for the rest of my life, I would never want them to give up their greatest dream to be with me.

This post contains affiliate links. If you buy through them, I make a small commission at no extra cost to you.

Header image for fun queer quotes for Pride Month

Four Fun Queer Quotes for Pride Month

Published on by Amy

Hey everyone, happy June! And more importantly, happy Pride Month! I wondered what I wanted to write about for the beginning of June. I considered delving into The Discourse™ about kink at Pride, or writing something about rainbow capitalism and corporate sponsorship and arms dealers pinkwashing their murder-corporations, but all those things have been said many times and much better than I could.

So instead I thought I’d bring you a little queer joy in the form of four of my favourite TV and movie quotes about being LGBTQ+ and tell you a bit about what they mean to me.

This post may contain plot spoilers, so proceed with caution if you haven’t seen any of these things yet.

“Any queer space is your space” – Oliver Grayson, The Bold Type

Oliver Grayson and Kat Edison at a queer party in The Bold Type

Kat Edison on Freeform’s The Bold Type is one of my favourite bisexual characters (and YES they actually say the word on the show!) Her ex-girlfriend, Adena, asks her not to attend a queer event because “some lesbians take issue when other people infiltrate their space.”

Adena eventually realises why this was shitty, biphobic behaviour and apologises. But in the meantime, Kat seeks advice from her gay colleague and friend Oliver, and this is what he tells her.

It’s a truly heartwarming moment of queer POC solidarity and it’s something I think all bi+ folks need to hear. We’re often erased from queer spaces, even by our own communities, and told we don’t belong because we’re “not queer enough” or can “pretend to be straight.”

This is for all my bi, pan, omni, ace, aro, trans, non-binary, and other pals who have ever been told Pride isn’t for you: any queer space is your space. Everyone’s favourite Gay Fashion Dad said so.

“Terrific. Let’s bring down the government.” – Steph Chambers, Pride

Steph in the movie Pride

Pride (2014) is one of my all-time favourite movies. It gives me hope and makes me cry all at the same time. It reminds me of all the things our queer elders fought for, struggled for, died for – and why it is so vital that we keep fighting.

Steph says this line in her typical sardonic, bordering-on-deadpan fashion just after the Lesbians & Gays Support the Miners group has been formed, and to me it sums up the spirit of the whole film. Pride is about two disenfranchised groups, queer people and striking miners in a poor village, joining forces to support one another and fight back against oppression. And in a world of more hate and division than ever, this is a message and an ethos we need to remember.

Pride is a protest. Pride has always been a protest. It isn’t about assimilating into respectable white middle-class cishet land. Pride is about being who we are unapologetically and without backing down, no matter what the government has to say about it.

“It’s not a phase, I’m not confused! Not indecisive, I don’t have the “gotta choose” blues!” – Darryl Whitefeather, Crazy Ex Girlfriend

Darryl Whitefeather "Gettin Bi" from Crazy Ex Girlfriend. For a post about queer quotes.

I know it’s got some problematic elements but CXG broke a lot of new ground. It handled a lot of difficult issues with the mix of humour and sensitivity that is so, so hard to get right.

And one of the things it did amazingly well? Representing not just bisexuality, but coming-out-later-in-life male bisexuality. Gettin’ Bi is Darryl’s coming out song, and it’s the “middle aged man dancing and singing to celebrate his sexuality” anthem I never knew I needed.

The song dispels many myths about bisexuality, including that we are inherently promiscuous (some of us are, some aren’t) or that we’re going through a phase and will eventually “pick a side.” It’s fun, it’s joyful, it’s charmingly awkward (this scene takes place in a workplace meeting) and it’s just delightful.

“Sexuality is fluid. Whether you’re gay or you’re straight or you’re bisexual, you just go with the flow.” – Shane McCutcheon, The L Word

Shane from The L Word, sexuality is fluid queer quote for Pride Month

A lot of things about The L Word have not aged well, sadly. Its treatment of trans character Max was deeply problematic, as was its erasure of bisexuality (and occasional outright biphobia) after season 1. I hear the new Generation Q has fixed many of these issues, but I haven’t watched it yet because I promised to watch it with my bestie and we haven’t seen each other in a year and a half because *gestures at the pandemic.*

But before The L Word went sideways into biphobia and occasional complete batshittery, it gave us some great moments including this wonderful quote from Shane.

I was 17 and just starting to peek out of the closet when I first saw this show. I didn’t really know if I was straight with a little idle curiosity, or gay while having inexplicably fallen for a man, or (*gasp*) actually bisexual. This line felt like permission to accept that my sexuality might change over time, and that it was okay and normal if it did.

What are your favourite queer joy quotes for Pride Month, loves?

A woman's legs in fishnets and heels, for a post about CXG and the cool girl archetype

Anal Doesn’t Hurt at All… The “Cool Girl” Archetype and Sexual Expectations

Published on by Amy1 Comment

I’ve been rewatching all four seasons of Crazy Ex Girlfriend over the last couple of months.

Fair warning, this post contains spoilers for all four seasons of the show, so if you haven’t seen it yet then you might want to skip this one.

Early in season 1, main character Rebecca attends a yoga class taught by Valencia, her love interest Josh’s long-term girlfriend. Naturally, the class turns into a musical theatre style song-and-dance routine which exists entirely in Rebecca’s mind. In this case, the song is I’m So Good at Yoga, a Bollywood parody in which Valencia boasts about all the ways in which she’s better than Rebecca. (“I kiss my own pussy, can you do that?”)

It’s a pretty funny scene that will speak to anyone who has ever had an overactive imagination about all the ways in which other people are judging them. But since this is a sex blog, I want to talk about this one throwaway line I wasn’t able to get out of my head after my rewatch:

“Anal doesn’t hurt at all /
Most times I prefer it.”

Given this show’s razor-sharp, on-point social commentary on everything from mental illness to dysfunctional workplaces to parenting, there is simply no way that creator Rachel Bloom didn’t know exactly what she was doing with this line. And that’s what I love about it – it’s another example of this show’s ability to pack SO MUCH into just a few words.

For me, this is a statement on the idea of the “cool girl”. Remember that expression, we’ll come back to it in a minute.

Sexuality policing and the male gaze

In this scene, we see the extent to which Rebecca’s insecurities are focused on what people – especially men, and most especially Josh Chan – think of her. One of the main ways in which she conceptualises Valencia as “better” than her is Valencia’s seeming willingness to behave like a male sexual fantasy. (Which makes it all the more pleasing when – big spoiler incoming – Valencia both becomes a much nicer person and comes out as queer, settling down with a girlfriend, in later seasons).

Unfortunately, we live in a world where women are judged on how well they service the heterosexual male gaze. We’re taught to judge ourselves and each other on our looks from early childhood. It’s no accident that 78% of girls dislike their body by the age of 17 (including 40-60% of elementary school girls). (Source.)

As we get older, our sexuality is policed, too. Be available, but don’t be a slut. Service male desires, but don’t have your own. Be simultaneously a virgin and a whore. The expectations put on women and those perceived to be women are immense, contradictory, and devastating from a mental health perspective.

The “cool girl”

If you’re a women or perceived to be a woman, you might have been described as a “cool girl” (or wished to be one) at some point.

So what is the cool girl (CG)?

Simply put, she’s a cis heterosexual male fantasy who doesn’t actually exist. The CG is down for whatever most pleases the men around her. She eats burgers without worrying about her figure (but is still a size four, of course.) She’s “one of the boys”, but still wears high heels and a full face of makeup. She’s “sexually liberated”, but only in so far as it pleases men. Her sexuality is about their desires, not her own.

The thing is, going back to Crazy Ex Girlfriend for a second, that when we get to know Valencia, it becomes apparent that she is so much more than just a CG. She’s pretty one dimensional and dislikeable in season 1, but we come to realise that that’s more due to Rebecca’s projection than her actual character. (Let’s be real, I’d probably also come across as a mega bitch if my partner’s ex reappeared in town after ten years with the express intention of breaking us up.)

But Rebecca is so insecure that she conteptualises Valencia as the CG – hot as hell, sexually adventurous, every man’s dream. But the viewer, and Rebecca, later get to see that Valencia is actually just as insecure and just as much a victim of the patriarchy. She has desires, needs, and vulnerabilities just like anyone else.

So about “preferring” anal…

For me, this particular line was entirely about Rebecca positioning Valencia as a cool girl who, naturally, would enjoy the same things cishetero men are supposed to enjoy. Naturally, the perfect CG would not only do anal, she’d prefer it.

Anal sex was a particular point of contention in some of my early sexual relationships. Eventually, I reluctantly did it because I thought I was supposed to do it. Because the women my boyfriends watched in porn did it, the women they read about in magazines “lad mags” did it, the other women they sneakily flirted with behind my back said they would do it.

I was in my mid 20s (and in a much healthier and safer sexual relationship) before I got the chance to consider whether it was something I actually liked. This might sound ridiculous, but that question had never particularly occured to me to ask. Because I didn’t think whether or not I liked it was the point.

Authentic desire vs. mainstream pornification

I don’t have an issue with pornography in and of itself, as long as it’s consensually produced and the performers remain in control and are compensated fairly for their labour. However, I also recognise that the mainstream porn industry has a lot to answer for, and one of those things is the fact that many teenage boys now think that pressuring their girlfriends for anal is normal.

Anal sex should be approached like any other consensual kink. If you’re into it, awesome – have fun. If you’re not, that’s totally cool too! I actually did come to enjoy it after those negative early experiences (much later and with a different partner). But that was only able to happen in a space of safety, care, and zero expectations.

I wish we could think of sex as a vast menu of potential options to choose from, rather than a space where certain acts are accepted. I have a lot of respect for Dan Savage and his work, but every time he says “oral comes as standard” it makes me cringe. There shouldn’t be any standards, beyond informed consent and mutual pleasure!

If we’re into anal sex, we should be able to express that and enjoy it free of shame or stigma. But it should be considered equally fine to say hey, anal actually does hurt and I actually don’t like it. When mainstream, male gazey porn is the first introduction many young people have to sexuality, especially when it’s not accompanied by comprehensive sex education, we end up in a place where young men come to expect a certain kind of “performance” from their sexual partners.

If you absolutely need a certain sex act in your life to be fulfilled, you’re within your rights to (and probably should) seek out partners who are also into that thing. (See: why I won’t date entirely vanilla people. There’s nothing wrong with vanilla sex and I enjoy it sometimes, but I need regular kink in my life to be happy and satisfied). But I really want to do away with the idea that any sex acts – penetration, oral, hand stuff, anal, kink – are expected or standard.

Sexual compatibility matters. But what that means will vary for every couple and every individual. Authentic expression of desire is what we should strive for, not matching some impossible male gaze standard.

Cool Girls don’t actually exist, and I love the way Valencia’s character arc slowly dismantles the idea one piece at a time.

I wasn’t expecting this piece about a throwaway one-liner in a TV show to run over 1300 words, but here we are! If you enjoyed this, you can always buy me a coffee to show your appreciation.

The polyamory flag colours on a pink background for a post about what You Me Her got wrong about polyamory

All the Things “You, Me, Her” Got Wrong About Polyamory

Published on by Amy1 Comment

SPOILER ALERT! This post will contain spoilers for You, Me, Her seasons 1-3, so if you care and haven’t watched yet, click off this post now.

Regular readers might remember that I briefly flirted with a ridiculous quest to recap every episode of this stupid show, which fizzled out somewhere in the middle of Season 1 because I ran out of time, energy and fucks to give?

In case you haven’t seen it, You, Me, Her is an American comedy-drama series following suburban married couple Jack (Greg Poehler) and Emma (Rachel Blanchard) as they enter into a polyamorous triad relationship with 25-year-old college student and escort, Izzy (Priscilla Faia).

Instead of reviewing this mess one episode at a time, I thought I’d bring you all the things I think it got wrong about polyamory – so far – in one easy post.

1. Izzy would never date these two idiots.

Izzy is a beautiful, 25-year-old college student who is escorting her way through university for the money. When Jack hires her for a date and then Emma later (having found out) does the same thing, she inexplicably decides she’s super duper into both of them for some fucking reason. That would never happen.

Any sex worker in Izzy’s place would do her job, take the damn money, and leave this pair to work out their shit in suburban hell by themselves.

2. It’s PORTLAND, not the Bible Belt.

This show is set in Portland, Oregon – a city famous for being super-duper liberal and where I know for a fact there’s a huge polyamorous community. Sure, there are some conservative people there (they’re everywhere, sadly) but the idea that being out as non-monogamous – or even bisexual – in fucking Portland would totally destroy Emma’s life is patently unrealistic. If they wanted that narrative to work, they should have set it in rural Alabama or something.

3. Being bisexual is apparently a worse crime than cheating.

There’s a scene in their therapist’s office where Jack shames the hell out of Emma for telling her bisexual origin story and having slept with women before they met. Seemingly forgetting he cheated on her with an escort about, ooh, a week before.

(Also, Emma later declares that her bisexuality “wasn’t a thing,” despite having had entire relationships with four – FOUR – women! That is definitely “a thing”.)

4. Partners are not commodities that you have to share out equally.

Jack and Emma agree that they each get “two nights with her… I mean you” per week. They then have a debate about who “gets” Izzy first. This is gross beyond belief. She’s a human being, not a pie to be shared out in equal slices. Ugh.

5. Dating someone new isn’t how you inject sexual spark back into your ailing marriage.

Jack and Emma’s idea is that they’ll each go on dates with Izzy, then come back fired up and ready to ravish the hell out of each other. That’s not how polyamory works. That’s not even how feelings or sex drives work! And it’s, once again, objectifying as all hell. They’re basically using Izzy as a human sex toy.

Also, Jack gets mad when Emma comes back from a date and isn’t up for fucking him right there and then. Your partner doesn’t owe you sex just because they just went on a date with someone else!

6. Jealousy IS inevitable. That doesn’t mean courting it is good for your relationship.

Jealousy is normal and fine, as long as you deal with it in a healthy way. Trying to make your partner jealous deliberately in order to… what, make them want you more? is a REALLY bad idea. And half the time it seems to be these idiots’ entire game. Jack and Emma use Izzy to make each other jealous. Izzy uses Andy (who is a kind of dick but seems really into her) to make Jack and Emma jealous.

7. Treating someone like crap then chasing them through an airport isn’t romantic!

Jack and Emma treat Izzy like total crap for the entire show. One romantic gesture (chasing her through an airport to “bring her home”) isn’t going to make up for that or for doing any of the actual hard, complicated, difficult work of making a relationship between three people work.

8. Polyamory isn’t just for rich white people!

Jack and Emma are the classic middle-aged, upper-middle-class, professional married pair I’d expect to see at a swingers’ club. Nothing wrong with that, except that the polyamorous community is actually hugely diverse. Trust me, we’re all bored as hell of seeing every representation of polyamory reduced down to “rich white people who don’t enjoy sex with their spouses any more”.

9. Even in polyamory you can’t expect someone to fall for two people in the same way, at the same rate, at the same time.

And that’s EXACTLY what Jack and Emma expect of Izzy. At one point, it becomes apparent that Izzy’s connection with Emma is growing stronger while her connection with Jack is developing at a slower pace, and Jack throws a hissy fit to the point of fucking off and abandoning both his partners for several days. This is exactly the kind of expectation inexperienced unicorn hunters put on new partners, and it’s grossly unfair.

10. Sex doesn’t solve your problems. Communication does.

Whenever these three have a problem, they just fuck and it all goes away… until next time. Sex is great but it’s not how you fix your problems. Only actual, honest, open and respectful communication can do that.

11. You don’t have to live with all your partners!

Jack, Emma and Izzy move in together almost the moment they’ve decided to give a triad relationship a go. Not only is this the mother of all bad ideas, it’s just… not realistic. Just as most monogamous people wouldn’t give a new date the keys to their house before things were pretty stable and established, neither do polyamorous people.

And regardless of relationship set-up, the “three people sharing a double bed every night” trope is… sweet but unrealistic. Trust me. I can only manage it even in my Super King bed for a night or two, max. You can still be polyamorous if you don’t want to live with all your partners, now or ever.

12. Extremely conservative, homophobic parents don’t come around in three seconds flat.

Emma’s parents go from hyper-conservative, openly-homophobic bigots who only care about her having babies, to being totally chill with the accidental dropping of the polyamory bomb in… yeah, less than five minutes of screen time? (Which equates to about an hour in plot-time).

People can come around, of course. People question their assumptions when they are directly confronted with them by someone they love. But it usually takes more time than this. Sometimes much more.

13. And finally… NOT ALL POLYAMORY IS A FUCKING CLOSED MFF TRIAD.

Are we all sick of this very specific picture being painted yet? Good, me too. Let’s move on to something more representative and less relentlessly cishet-male-gazey. Please.

So what’s next? This show has been renewed for seasons 4 and 5. I hate this about myself, but I already know I’ll watch them all. Maybe I’ll even live-tweet them.

Did you enjoy this post? If so, please buy me a coffee!