Tag: anal sex

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Buying Guide: The Best Vibrating Butt Plugs for Anal August 2024

Published on by Amy

We’re still in Anal August, just about! But, of course, any time of year is a great time to experiment with anal play if you’re interested or curious. So, following on from my round-ups of the best butt plugs and the best anal beads, I’m bringing you my final Anal August buying guide. Today we’re looking at the best vibrating butt plugs currently on the market.

Black silicone and silver stainless steel butt plugs, for a post on the best vibrating butt plugs on the market

To learn more about butt plugs more generally, as well as how to choose a safe and quality one, refer back to my best butt plugs roundup linked in the paragraph above. In it, I share what makes a butt plug safe or unsafe, how to use them safely and pleasurably, and some things to look out for when shopping.

In a very small nutshell, a butt plug must always:

  • Have a flared base, large handle, or something similar to stop it slipping all the way inside you
  • Be made of a body-safe and non-porous material such as silicone, glass, or stainless steel

About This List

Three silicone butt plugs in black, purple and pink, for a post on the best vibrating butt plugs on the market

None of my buying guides are, or pretend to be, comprehensive lists of all the great options available. There are thousands of these products on the market of varying quality. I am simply here to guide you towards some of the possible options that might suit you.

Everything listed here is from a manufacturer/retailer I trust, and links are affiliate links. This means that if you click on the links and make a purchase, I earn a small commission at no additional cost to you. I do not work for or claim to represent any of these companies, and any purchase you make is a contract with them and not with me.

Everything I recommend here is made of a body-safe material and is, to the best of my knowledge, safe for normal use. Where possible, I have tried to provide options at a range of price points. Products in lists are ordered from the cheapest to the most expensive.

Let’s dive in.

Best Vibrating Silicone Butt Plugs

A basic vibrating butt plug made of silicone is a great option if you are exploring these toys for the first time. There are countless options available, but these are a few I’d suggest starting with:

Best Remote Control Butt Plugs

One of the downsides of vibrating butt plugs with controls on the toy is that it can be difficult to change the settings when it’s inside you. You can sidestep that problem with remote control plugs like these:

Best App Control Butt Plugs

Enjoy using remote control toys? Step it up a notch with app-controlled toys. These are also a great option if you want to play with a partner long-distance. These are some of the very best vibrating butt plugs with app control options in my opinion.

Best Rimming Butt Plugs

This section is going to be a bit different as I don’t have options from multiple manufacturers for you here. Rimming plugs were invented and pioneered by B-Vibe, and they are still pretty much the only company making them! In short, rimming plugs utilise rotating beads in the neck to mimic the sensation of being rimmed (that’s when someone uses their tongue on your butt. Many people find it incredibly erotic.)

Check out B-Vibe’s rimming butt plug range, which come in sizes from petite to extra large and range in price from $159.99 to $174.99.

Best Vibrating Glass and Metal Butt Plugs

There are many glass and metal butt plugs on the market, but far fewer that vibrate. As such, I’ve combined them into one for this post. If you’re in the mood for something rigid, glass and metal are great options. They’re also great for temperature play as they conduct heat well. And, since they don’t dampen the vibrations in the same way that silicone does, they can be seriously intense.

Best Vibrating Butt Plugs Under £25/$30

You don’t need to spend a fortune to get safe and quality toys! In my opinion, these are some of the best vibrating butt plugs available for those on a budget.

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I hope this list of some of the best vibrating butt plugs has been helpful! Please let me know if you have any questions or if there’s a particular buying guide you want me to do next.

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Buying Guide: The Best Butt Plugs for Anal August 2024

Published on by Amy

August is a great time to buy anal toys. I have no idea where this “Anal August” thing initially came from (the mind of some enterprising marketing person, probably!) but what it means is that virtually every sex toy retailer you can think of will be running some kind of promotion on butt toys this month. Last week I told you all about the best anal beads on the market. Today we’re continuing that theme with another buying guide, this time focusing on the best butt plugs for a variety of needs.

What is a Butt Plug?

Two butt plugs, one black and one pink on a pale pink background. For a post on the best butt plugs

A butt plug is simply a toy that is designed to be inserted into the anus. However, unlike many other types of toys, the main purpose of a butt plug is to remain in place for a period of time. In other words, rather than thrusting or taking it in and out, you put it in and then leave it.

Butt plugs come in numerous shapes, sizes, and materials. They are usually narrower towards the tip and then get wider before narrowing again. A bulb, teardrop, or cone shape is the most typical, though there are plenty of variations. All butt plugs must have a large base or handle – we’ll go into this more in the next section.

Butt plugs stimulate the sensitive nerve endings in and around the anus. If you have a prostate (that’s most people assigned male at birth), some plugs can also stimulate this highly sensitive organ.

Some people like to wear a butt plug during sex or masturbation to enhance pleasure. Some use them to prepare for anal sex as they can help the butt to relax and get ready to take a penis or dildo. Others like to discreetly wear a butt plug under their clothes as they go about their day. For some people, this can be part of a BDSM or power exchange relationship (e.g. a Dominant instructing their submissive to wear a plug when they go out.)

What to Look For When Choosing the Best Butt Plugs for You

Two butt plugs made of metal, one showing a heart crystal butt plug base. For a post on the best butt plugs

As with all sex toys, safety comes first when you’re choosing the best butt plugs for you. Anal toys must always, always have a large, flared base or handle. This prevents them from getting sucked up inside your butt and getting stuck, which can be extremely dangerous and cause serious damage to your body.

Butt plugs must also be made from a body-safe material. Silicone, glass, aluminium, and stainless steel are all good options. Avoid toxic materials such as jelly, rubber, PVC, and “soft plastics.” Avoid porous materials such as TPE and TPR, too, as these will harbour bacteria and can cause infection.

Once you’ve taken safety into account, it’s all about preferences. Do you want a softer and squishier plug (in which case you probably want a silicone toy) or a more rigid one (in which case glass or metal will be your friend?) What sort of size works for you? Do you want your butt plug to vibrate? (This post is about non-vibrating plugs but I’ll be publishing an entire guide to the best butt plugs that vibrate next week – watch this space!)

How to Use Butt Plugs Pleasurably and Safely

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There is a common misconception that anal play is painful. It does not have to be and, in fact, shouldn’t be. It can be intense, and may be challenging, but pain is a sign that something isn’t right and you should pause, adjust, or stop. Never force something into a butt that isn’t ready.

When you start playing with butt plugs, begin with a small plug and go slowly. Listen to your body and try not to have a specific goal in mind. If you get the plug all the way in, great! If you don’t but you still had fun, amazing! Kept it in for a minute or ten minutes or an hour? Go you!

Adequate lubrication is also absolutely critical. Unlike the vagina, the butt is not self-lubricating. A good quality water-based lube will work with all types of butt plugs. Personally I find that thicker, gel-type water-based lubes are ideal for anal play. Sliquid Sassy and Vibeology Pure are two gentle and body-friendly options I recommend.

Finally, keep things hygienic. Coming into contact with small amounts of fecal matter is pretty much inevitable when you’re doing anal play, even after washing, and butt germs can make you sick if you’re not careful. Wash your hands before and after inserting your toy or doing any kind of anal stimulation. Learn how to properly sterilise your sex toys (the boiling method is best for silicone toys.) At a minimum, wipe your toys with a body-safe sterile wipe and wash them with soap and water before and after use. Never use an unsterilised toy vaginally or orally after it has been inside a butt. Check your toys before you use them and retire any that have cracks, splits, tears, or other damage to the material.

About This List

Person's hand reaching for a stainless steel butt plug on a bedside table. For a post on the best butt plugs

There are thousands upon thousands of variations of these toys available on the market, and this list is in no way intended to be comprehensive. The best butt plugs for you will always be a somewhat personal and subjective decision. What I have aimed to do here is to guide you towards safe and quality products that might suit you, depending upon your requirements.

Everything listed here is from a manufacturer/retailer I trust, and many of the links are affiliate links. This just means that if you make a purchase, I make a small commission at no additional cost to you. I do not work for or claim to represent any of these companies, and any purchase you make is a contract with them and not with me.

Everything I recommend here is made of a body-safe material and is, to the best of my knowledge, safe for normal use. Where possible, I have tried to provide options at a range of price points. Products in lists are ordered from the cheapest to the most expensive.

Let’s go, shall we?

Best Basic Silicone Butt Plugs

Basic silicone plugs are probably the best butt plugs for beginners. They’re also the most versatile and amongst the easiest to use. Silicone is soft, and comes in a range of firmness and flexibility levels. This is probably also the most ubiquitous category of butt plug, with virtually every sex toy manufacturer and retailer having their own variation on this theme. Here are a few I trust.

Best Glass Butt Plugs

Glass is a fantastic material for sex toys (and no, it won’t break inside you!) Glass butt plugs are rigid yet smooth, and allow you to play with temperatures by warming or cooling them if you want to. Look for borosilicate glass – that’s similar to the stuff that Pyrex cookwear is made from – for the safest and most durable options.

Best Stainless Steel Butt Plugs

Many people find the look and feel of stainless steel extremely sexy. Its weight can also add a little extra stimulation, ensuring you feel your toy every single time you move. Like glass, stainless steel is ideal for playing with different temperatures, too. Other metals such as aluminium are body-safe alternatives (as long as you don’t have an allergy) that may be cheaper, but stainless steel is always the best choice for metal sex toys if you can afford it.

Best Extra Large Butt Plugs

I never recommend starting out with large toys when you’re new to anal play. However, once you’ve got a bit of experience under your belt, you might be curious about larger toys. These extra large butt plugs – all at least 5″ in usable length and at least 2″ in diameter – are great choices for advanced players seeking a challenge.

Best Slimline Butt Plugs

Slimmer butt plugs are great for beginners, for all-day wear… and just for anyone who prefers a smaller toy. These are some of the best butt plugs with a diameter of less than 1″ at the widest point.

Best Jewelled Butt Plugs

Some people love butt plugs not just for how they feel, but for how they look. There are numerous decorative options available in all kinds of styles, but jewelled plugs – which have a jewel or crystal set into the base – are amongst the most popular. Here are a few I love.

Note: I don’t recommend boil-sterilising crystal/jewel plugs as this can damage the glue and cause the gem to fall out. Use a sterile wipe and warm water with antibacterial soap instead.

Best Butt Plug Sets

Butt plug sets are great for those who are new to anal play and don’t know what sizes work for them yet. They’re also great for anyone doing anal training… or just for people who are in the mood for different things on different days. Here are some of the best butt plugs sets that offer a range of sizes to choose from.

Best Butt Plugs Under £15/$20

Great sex toys need not be expensive. Though you’ll pay a premium for some brands, there are also lots of great budget options on the market. Here are a few of them.

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And there you have it! A massive round-up of some of the best butt plugs on the market for all preferences and budgets this Anal August and beyond. Happy shopping and, if you have any questions, just drop me a line and I’ll do my best to help.

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Buying Guide: The Best Anal Beads for Anal August 2024

Published on by Amy

I have no idea where the idea of “Anal August” originated, and I have to assume it was initially a marketing ploy to promote either sex toys or content. Regardless, it seems to be here to stay and virtually every sex toy retailer I work with is running some kind of related promotion. This means it’s a pretty good time to buy anal toys! Choosing the best anal beads, butt plug, prostate massager, or other anal toys for your needs can be a minefield, though, with thousands of products of varying quality flooding the market.

That’s why I’m going to be running a series of anal-themed buying guides throughout August to help you. Today we’re looking at anal beads.

What Are Anal Beads?

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In a nutshell, anal beads are sex toys made up of a string of beads (anything from 3 beads up to 10+) that go up your butt. They usually end in a base, ring, or similar handle. This is both for safety (more on this below!) and to make it easier to hold and manipulate the beads. Most anal beads are tapered, with the smallest beads towards the tip and the largest beads towards the base. There are exceptions, though.

Unlike butt plugs – which are designed to be inserted and then left alone for a period of time – anal beads are designed to be inserted and removed repeatedly, much like you would with a dildo. Most people prefer to do this fairly slowly and gradually rather than hard and fast thrusting, but you can experiment to see what feels best to you. In this way, the beads stimulate the sensitive nerve endings around the entrance to your butt as well as those inside. If you are someone who has a prostate – that’s most people who were assigned male at birth – then anal beads can also be a great way to stimulate this incredibly sensitive and pleasurable area.

Some people say that using a set of anal beads during sex or masturbation and then pulling them out at the point of climax intensifies their orgasm.

What to Look For When Choosing the Best Anal Beads for You

Black anal beads lying on a bed, for a post on the best anal beads

First and foremost, it is important to make sure the anal beads you are choosing are safe. There are three main things you should look for to help you choose safe anal beads:

  1. A body-safe material such as silicone, glass, or stainless steel. Avoid toxic materials such as jelly, PVC, rubber, and soft plastics. It is particularly important to avoid porous materials (including TPE and TPR) for anal toys as it is impossible to get them completely clean. In addition, avoid toys where the beads are threaded together with string or similar. This, too, is impossible to sterilise and can be a vector for introducing bacteria and potential infection to your body.
  2. A flared or otherwise large base. This is extremely important for any anal toy. Without it, the toy can get lost or stuck inside your body, which can be a serious medical emergency.
  3. Beads that are well-made. The material should be free from any rough or uneven areas and there should be no cracks, tears, or other damage.

After that, it’s largely a matter of preference. Do you prefer girthier or slimmer toys? Longer or shorter ones? Softer or firmer textures? Silicone beads are softer and more flexible than glass or metal, but harder materials can provide more intense sensations. They also offer other fun possibilities such as temperature play. Do you want your anal beads to have a vibrating option?

How to Use Anal Beads Pleasurably and Safely

Black anal beads, pink anal beads, pink rabbit vibrator and black butt plug. For a post on the best anal beads

Using anal beads is pretty easy, but once you’ve selected your toy there are a few things you need to be aware of to ensure you have a safe and fun time.

First, adequate lubrication is essential. A water-based lube is best for use with anal toys, especially if the toys are made of silicone. You might want to choose a thicker, gel-type lubricant for anal play.

It’s also important to start slowly. Anal play can be intense, but it should not be painful. If something feels wrong, stop or adjust. And never, ever force something inside before your butt is ready. This can tear the delicate tissue and lead to pain, bleeding, and ongoing complications.

Finally, hygiene is even more important when it comes to anal sex toys. I recommend sterilising your toys between uses (the boiling method is best for silicone toys.) At a minimum, wipe them with a body-safe sterile wipe and then give them a good wash with soap and water. Never use a toy vaginally or orally after it has been used in a butt until it has been fully sterilised. Check your toys before you use them and, if there are any rips, tears, cracks, or other damage to the material, retire them.

About This List

Glass and metal anal beads, stainless steel anal beads and glass anal beads

This is by no means meant to be a comprehensive list of all the quality anal beads toys out there. There are thousands – tens of thousands, probably – of variations of these products available, and the best anal beads for you will always be a somewhat subjective decision. Instead, this is designed to help guide you towards some of the versions that might suit you depending on your requirements.

Everything listed here is from a manufacturer/retailer I trust, and links are affiliate links. This means I make a small commission on your purchases at no additional cost to you. I do not work for or claim to represent any of these companies, and any purchase you make is a contract with them and not with me.

Everything I recommend here is made of a body-safe material and is, to the best of my knowledge, safe for normal use. Where possible, I have tried to provide options at a range of price points. Products in lists are ordered from the cheapest to the most expensive.

With that said, let’s get going.

Best Basic Silicone Anal Beads

Basic silicone anal beads are ideal if you’re on a budget or just exploring anal beads for the first time. There are countless options on the market in this category, but here are a few I trust:

Best Glass Anal Beads

Glass is a fantastic material for sex toys. It is smooth, rigid and unyielding and also allows you to play with temperature by warming it up or cooling it down if you want to.

Best Metal Anal Beads

Metal, like glass, is rigid and perfect for temperature play. Some people also find its aesthetic incredibly sexy! Stainless steel is the best material for metal sex toys, though other metals (aluminium is a popular choice) can work for most people as long as you don’t have an allergy, and may be cheaper.

Best Vibrating Anal Beads

Vibrators aren’t just for clits. Adding vibrations to your anal beads can take your butt pleasure to an entirely new level. Here are some of the best vibrating anal beads currently on the market in my opinion, including both close-range and remote control options.

Best Long Anal Beads

Sometimes you want a little (or a lot) extra depth! These are some of the best anal beads measuring at least 9″ in length.

Best Girthy Anal Beads

If girth matters as much or more to you than length, you’ll love these girthy anal beads.

Best Slimline Anal Beads

On the other hand, perhaps slimmer anal beads are more comfortable and pleasurable for you. If so, these are some of the best anal beads with a diameter of 1″ or less.

Best Curved Anal Beads

Curved anal beads are a particularly great choice for directly targeting the prostate, which is located a couple of inches inside the rectum (below the bladder) towards the front wall.

Best Anal Beads Sets

Perhaps you’re new to anal beads and not sure what you like yet, or maybe you’re just in the mood for different things on different days. The best anal beads sets offer toys in a range of sizes.

Best Anal Beads Under £20/$25

Depending on the features and materials you’re looking for, anal beads – like all sex toys – can be expensive. However, they needn’t be if you’re just after something fairly basic. Sadly, a lot of cheap sex toys on the market are poorly made or use unsafe materials. Here are five of the best anal beads retailing for under £20 or $25.

Pink anal beads on display in a sex toy shop

Hopefully this guide has helped to demystify the buying process and help you to choose the best anal beads for you! What buying guides do you want to see from me in the future?

Anal sex myths post header featuring three butt plugs: silicone, glass, and stainless steel.

4 Anal Sex Myths You Should Stop Believing

Published on by Amy

Anal sex is probably one of the most misunderstood sex acts of all. It carries an allure for a lot of people, whether they want to be on the giving end or the receiving end or both. However, it also scares a lot of people. This is, in part, due to incorrect assumptions and beliefs. Anal sex myths can scare people off who might otherwise be interested in trying this type of play. They can also lead people to engage in dangerous behaviours or take unnecessary risks due to a lack of knowledge.

Here at C&K, we’re all about fact-based and non-stigmatising information. So let’s bust some anal sex myths, shall we?

Anal sex always hurts

This is perhaps one of the most harmful anal sex myths, and actually likely leads to more avoidable pain and injuries. After all, if you think anal is supposed to hurt you’ll be more likely to push through pain, which can be dangerous. In fact, though anal can be intense and some mild discomfort can be normal, pain is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong.

With proper lubrication, warm-up, enthusiastic consent, and communication with your partner, anal sex does not need to be – and should not be – painful. If something hurts it’s time to adjust, add more lube, or stop for now.

And by the way: those “numbing” or “desensitizing” lubes designed for anal sex? Avoid them at all costs. The ingredients in them can be harmful, they increase your risk of injury, and (frankly) if you have to numb your body to engage in a particular sex act, then you probably shouldn’t be doing that thing at all.

Anal sex isn’t pleasurable for the bottom

This particular myth always strikes me as really sad, particularly when I see questions from people who are trying to grit their teeth and force themselves into anal sex they don’t want to please their partner.

Anal sex isn’t pleasurable for everyone and, if you don’t enjoy it, then you shouldn’t do it! However, if you do want to, it can be just as pleasurable for the bottom (the person being penetrated) as for the top (the person doing the penetrating.) Think about it: if anal sex wasn’t pleasurable for the receptive partner, why would anal sex toys such as butt plugs and prostate massagers be so popular?

One of the reasons that anal sex can feel so pleasurable for cis men and other people assigned male at birth is due to the prostate. Approximately the size and shape of a walnut, this gland is located just below the bladder and in front of the rectum. It is responsible for producing some of the fluid in semen and, when stimulated, it is incredibly sensitive.

However, anal sex isn’t all about the prostate, and can be just as pleasurable for receptive partners who do not have one. There are still tonnes of highly sensitive nerve endings in and around the butt, which can feel incredible. And, of course, it is located close to the genitals. According to a 2022 study on (cis) women’s experiences of anal pleasure: “[the anus] contains a dense network of sensory nerves that participate with the genitals in the engorgement, muscular tension and contractions of sexual arousal and orgasm.”

Yes, it’s even possible for some people to have an orgasm from anal sex without any direct stimulation of the genitals! Aren’t bodies awesome?

Anal sex is only for gay men (or: all gay men have anal sex)

Wrong on both counts! Many of the most common anal sex myths centre on sexual orientation, from who engages in it to what it means about your sexuality if you do.

Firstly, anal sex is for anyone who wants to have it. We all have a butt, after all! Liking or not liking anal sex doesn’t imply a single thing about your sexuality. Your sexual orientation is about who you’re attracted to, not which acts you want to do.

Also, not all men who have sex with men (MSM) have anal sex. One 2011 survey of almost 25,000 gay and bisexual men in the US found that only 35% of respondents had had anal sex during their last sexual encounter. Some queer men do it regularly, some do it occasionally, and some never do it at all. All of this is completely normal and awesome.

You can’t get pregnant, so anal sex is safe sex

It’s true, of course, that a person cannot become pregnant from anal sex. This doesn’t mean, though, that anal is a risk-free form of sex.

In fact, when it comes to the transmission of STIs, unprotected anal sex is actually riskier than most other kinds of sexual activity including unprotected vaginal sex. However, it’s easy to mitigate this risk with a few basic precautions.

The best way to protect yourself and your partner(s) is to use a condom every time you have anal sex. If you choose to go barrier-free for anal – which I only recommend in the context of an ongoing relationship with someone you trust – make sure that both you and your partner(s) are having regular sexual health screenings.

You might also want to ask your healthcare provider if pre-exposure prophylaxis, or PrEP, is suitable for you. PrEP is a daily medication for people at risk of exposure to HIV, whether through sex or through drug use. According to the CDC, it reduces the risk of contracting HIV through sex by about 99% when used as directed.

Have questions about anal sex? Not sure if something you’ve heard is accurate? Let me know and I’ll try to answer them in a future post.

FYI: this post was sponsored. All writing and views are, as always, entirely my own.

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6 Things Not to Do If You Want to Have Anal Sex Successfully

Published on by Amy

I think I’ve said before that I have a complicated relationship with anal sex. I was pressured to engage in it at a young age, long before I was ready. As a result, I pretty much shut it down and made it a hard limit in subsequent relationships. I did eventually explore it again, and even discovered that I quite liked it!

Nowadays, anal sex is only an occasional part of my sex life. I have to be really in the mood, and my body and brain have to be cooperating at the same time. But when the stars align enough for me to want to do it, I typically really enjoy it. Apart from the obvious and huge factor of being with safe and respectful partners, there are a few things I’ve learned along the way that have improved my relationship with anal sex enormously.

I recently learned that “Anal August” is apparently a thing. So in recognition of that, here are six things to be aware of – and six mistakes not to make – if you want to have anal sex of any kind successfully. (Note: my definition of “successful” anal sex is anything that is consensual, pleasurable, and safe for all parties involved. Beyond that, you do you. We don’t do prescriptive around here.)

Don’t Skimp on the Lube

We all know that we need to use tonnes and tonnes of lube to have anal sex successfully, right? Well, you probably need even more lube than you think. No, add a bit more. No, more than that. Okay, now you’re good. If things don’t feel slippery wet, you’re probably not using enough. If anything is hurting, catching, or you can feel a lot of friction, you’re definitely not using enough.

It’s also a good idea to keep adding lube regularly, particularly if you’re using water-based as it will dry up after a while. I like silicone lube for anal sex because it’s so slippery and lasts ages (but remember it’s not a good idea to use silicone lube with silicone toys.)

A bonus tip: please never, ever use “numbing” or “desensitising” lube. Pain is your body’s way of letting you know that something is wrong. If you can’t feel it, you may not notice if you’re being harmed until it’s too late. Plus, anal sex is supposed to be pleasurable! If you’re numbing your body to get through it, please consider whether it’s something you are even truly desiring or consenting to. Seriously, these products should not exist and can get in the fucking bin.

Don’t Rush

Apart from lube, the number one key to enjoying anal play is to go slowly. This means not rushing into it before or unless you’re ready. It also means exploring one step at a time, with no pressure.

You probably won’t get an entire penis or dildo in your butt the first time you try anal sex. That’s totally normal. Even if you only get the tip of one finger inside, that’s a success as long as you had a good time. I say this all the time with kink, but it’s true for any kind of sex: it is always better to end a session thinking “I’d like to do more next time” than to end it thinking “fuck, I went too far.”

Don’t forget about exploring externally, too. Anal play isn’t all about penetration! There’s a reason rimming (oral sex performed on the anus) is so popular. That entire area is really sensitive and having it stroked, licked, or teased can feel really good. Even just running a lubed-up finger across the anal opening can provide an intensely erotic sensation.

Don’t Restrict Yourself to Hands and Dicks

Anal sex toys are often erroneously categorised as “for men.” This is problematic in a couple of ways. First, “sex toys for men” is usually used synonymously with “for people with dicks.” And by now we all know that not everyone with a penis is a man, don’t we? Aside from this, everyone has a butt! Some anal toys are designed specifically to stimulate the prostate. And it’s true that if you were assigned female at birth, you don’t have a prostate. However, no matter what type of genitals you have, the butt is packed with nerve endings and sensitive spots that feel really good when stimulated.

What I’m really saying is: get yourself some butt toys! They can be a great way to start out, explore anal play solo, or expand your repertoire with a partner.

If you’ve never done anal play before, start with a mini butt plug (I like Godemiche’s Plug B in small) and work your way up. After that, you can try a larger plug or a small slimline dildo. I like the Godemiche Peg for a beginner anal dildo or just as a great option for those who prefer smaller and slimmer toys. And if you’d like to fuck your partner anally but don’t have (or don’t want to use) a bio-cock, a good strap-on harness should be on your shopping list.

Don’t forget vibrating toys, too! Kiiroo’s Lumen (currently 30% off for Anal August) and B-Vibe’s rimming plugs are great choices.

Don’t Put Pressure on Yourself or Your Partner

Pressure, whether self-imposed or placed upon you by someone else, is one of the ultimate libido killers. It also erodes consent, since a person who is being pressured may not feel able to say yes or no to an activity freely.

If you’d like to have anal sex with your partner, raise it and see how they feel about it. They may say no, in which case you need to respect that. You might decide to explore on your own to scratch that itch, using anal toys such as butt plugs, dildos, or butt strokers. They might be enthusiastic and all for it. Or they might be open to it but nervous or hesitant. Wherever they are, meet them there with love and acceptance.

Treat yourself in the same way. You don’t need to feel any pressure to have anal sex for any reason. Some people feel pressured because a partner really wants to try anal, because they worry they will be seen as prudish or uptight if they don’t, or because they think it is a “standard” part of their sexual orientation (fun fact: according to a 2011 survey of men who have sex with men, less than 40% reported engaging in anal sex with their last sexual partner. Many never do it at all.)

For any kind of sexual exploration, a safe and pressure-free environment is vital as a base from which to explore.

Don’t Forget Sexual Health

Like all kinds of sex, anal sex carries a risk of passing on a sexually transmitted infection (STI.) Current data also indicates that it is a higher risk activity than vaginal, oral, toy, or hand sex. The best ways to keep yourself and your partner safe are to get tested regularly, negotiate your safer sex boundaries clearly, and use a condom for penetrative anal sex.

Don’t forget that rimming, like any other forms of oral sex, can carry an STI risk. Depending on your safer sex boundaries, you may wish to use a dam (or cut up condom) for rimming.

Hand sex is low risk for STI transmission, but it is still possible. Being diligent with hand washing, and using gloves if you like, can lower the risk further (and using gloves is essential if you have any open cuts on your hands.)

Anal sex with hands can also facilitate a transfer of bacteria even if you are both/all STI-negative. If you’re switching between anal and genital stimulation with hands, change gloves or wash your hands in between. Even a freshly washed butt can transmit bacteria that can cause urinary tract infections and other complications, particularly for people with vaginas.

For the same reasons, never go from anal to vaginal penetration with the same penis or dildo without having a thorough wash or sterilising the toy in between.

Don’t Stress If It’s Not For You

Like anything else, anal sex isn’t for everyone. You might reflect and decide that you have no interest in trying it, now or possibly ever. That’s cool! You might try it and realise you don’t like it. That’s fine, too! You’ve learned valuable information about yourself!

What do you wish you’d known before you tried to have anal sex?

This post contains affiliate links.

Header for Promescent lube review

[Lube Review] Promescent Personal Lubricants

Published on by Amy

I’m picky about lube. Like, super picky. This is for a good reason – there are a lot of ingredients that my body simply does not like or get along with. Having to stop sex because your vulva is burning as a result of some random lube you grabbed at a sex party? Do not recommend.

Couple in bed with lubes in foreground

As a result, I tend to stick to a couple of favourite brands. When companies offer me lubes for review, I often either just say no or end up hating the product.

I say all this so that you understand how unusual it is for me to discover a new line of lubes that I genuinely love and will happily use again and again.

Who Are Promescent?

Promescent is a company dedicated to closing the orgasm gap (a term for the fact that on average, cis men and other people with penises experience orgasm more frequently and more quickly than cis women and other people with vulvas during partnered sex.)

They started out making an orgasm delay product for penis owners, but have now branched out into other lines including lube, condoms, massage oils, and arousal gels for vulva owners.

Promescent works with a medical advisory team including highly trained urologists and sexual medicine experts, and is additionally supported by a medical review team featuring names you may know, including Dr Justin Lehmiller and Dr Laura Berman, and a team of non-medical sexuality experts.

Promescent’s Lube Line

Promescent were kind enough to send me three of their lubes to try. I received the water-based lube, organic aloe-based lube, and silicone lube. I’m going to start by talking about the ingredients, then look at my experience with each product in turn.

Promescent organic and body safe lubes

Each lube comes in a 4fl oz (118ml) disk-cap bottle. You can also get larger 8fl oz bottles, or subscribe for regular deliveries and save 7%.

Ingredients and Safety

With such a large team of sexuality professionals and medical experts on board, one would expect Promescent to be using body-safe ingredients in their lubes. I looked closely at each label and did a deep dive on the internet to learn about them.

My main resources for this research were Condom Depot’s What’s In My Lube? guide, Incidecoder, and SkinCarisma’s ingredients analyser. After looking up every ingredient name I didn’t recognise, I feel safe in saying that these lubes do not contain any toxic ingredients and will be safe for anyone to use as long as you don’t have a specific allergy or sensitivity.

A small disclaimer here: the water-based lube does contain glycerin. This isn’t a toxic ingredient, but it is a form of sugar and can be problematic to people who are prone to yeast infections. Personally, I prefer not to use lubes with glycerin as they can have an unpleasant sticky feel.

None of the Promescent lubes contain parabens (harmful chemicals that pop up distressingly often in lubricants and cosmetics and have been linked to hormone disruption, fertility issues, and even cancer.) All the lubes are also pH balanced, meaning they won’t have a negative impact on your vaginal health.

Let’s dive in one at a time and talk about how I got on with them!

Promescent Water-Based Lube

Promescent water-based lube

I always tell my readers that if they’re going to buy one type of lube, make it a quality water-based lube. That’s because water-based is the most versatile type of lube you can get – a true all-rounder!

The Promescent water-based lube has a light, natural scent and a slight tangy taste. It’s very runny and slippery, and you only need a little bit to go a long way. This lube is quick-drying and did not leave any unwanted residue on either my body or my sheets. Due to the glycerin, though, it’s a little sticky.

A 4oz bottle of Promescent water-based lube retails for $8.99, making it the cheapest of the bunch. You can use it with any type of barrier and any sex toy material.

Use it for: oral sex, since it has the lightest taste, or playing with silicone toys.

Promescent Organic Aloe-Based Lube

Promescent organic aloe-based lube

I’ve never tried an aloe-based lube before, so this was a new one to me. I’ve been sniffing it and trying to work out what the scent reminds me of. It’s very botanical – basically, if “green” had a smell, it would be this. The aloe lube has a stronger taste than the water-based, though it’s still pretty mild and not at all unpleasant.

Texture-wise, the aloe lube is about the same thickness and runnyness as the water-based. However, I found that it absorbed into my skin more slowly, meaning that it lasted longer. This makes it perfect for lube-heavy activities such as anal play!

It’s got a lovely, slippery feel that is the closest of the three to natural lubrication. It left my skin feeling soft and non-sticky, and did not stain my sheets.

FYI: the aloe lube isn’t safe for use with polyurethane condoms, but latex and polyisoprene are fine. It pairs well with all body-safe sex toy materials.

A 4oz bottle of Promescent organic aloe lube retails for $9.49.

Use it for: anal sex, vaginal penetration with a penis or toy.

Promescent Silicone Lube

Promescent silicone lube

Silicone lube is divisive in the sexuality world. Some people love it, others hate it. I love it in the right contexts, but in practice I don’t use it very often. That’s because silicone lube can sometimes damage silicone toys (though it doesn’t always) and a large percentage of my toy collection consists of silicone products.

Silicone also requires more clean-up, since it can stain certain fabrics and is harder to get off your skin. I recommend putting a towel down for easy clean up when you’re done.

With that said, silicone lube also has a lot of advantages and I enjoyed getting a chance to experiment with it.

Promescent’s silicone lube contains just four ingredients. It is thinner and runnier than many other silicone lubricants I’ve encountered. Again, you really only need a little bit and it goes a long way. It did leave my skin slightly sticky, but washed away easily with my usual soap.

The texture of this lube is super slick, which makes it absolutely perfect for hand sex. Clitoral stimulation is a lot more comfortable and pleasurable when there’s sufficient lubrication, and Promescent’s silicone lube is an excellent choice for this purpose. It’s also ideal for bath and shower sex, since it isn’t water-soluble.

A 4oz bottle of Promescent silicone lube retails for $12.99.

Use it for: hand sex (on yourself or a partner), playing with non-silicone toys.

So which is my favourite?

It’s a tough call, but the organic aloe-based lube is a surprising winner for me! The slick, moisturising feel and the nice natural scent just clinch it. But honestly they’re all great products that absolutely deserve a place on your nightstand.

FYI: this review was sponsored, which means Promescent paid me to test their products and write an honest review. Images are courtesy of Promescent and used with permission. All views are, as always, my own.

A woman's legs in fishnets and heels, for a post about CXG and the cool girl archetype

Anal Doesn’t Hurt at All… The “Cool Girl” Archetype and Sexual Expectations

Published on by Amy1 Comment

I’ve been rewatching all four seasons of Crazy Ex Girlfriend over the last couple of months.

Fair warning, this post contains spoilers for all four seasons of the show, so if you haven’t seen it yet then you might want to skip this one.

Early in season 1, main character Rebecca attends a yoga class taught by Valencia, her love interest Josh’s long-term girlfriend. Naturally, the class turns into a musical theatre style song-and-dance routine which exists entirely in Rebecca’s mind. In this case, the song is I’m So Good at Yoga, a Bollywood parody in which Valencia boasts about all the ways in which she’s better than Rebecca. (“I kiss my own pussy, can you do that?”)

It’s a pretty funny scene that will speak to anyone who has ever had an overactive imagination about all the ways in which other people are judging them. But since this is a sex blog, I want to talk about this one throwaway line I wasn’t able to get out of my head after my rewatch:

“Anal doesn’t hurt at all /
Most times I prefer it.”

Given this show’s razor-sharp, on-point social commentary on everything from mental illness to dysfunctional workplaces to parenting, there is simply no way that creator Rachel Bloom didn’t know exactly what she was doing with this line. And that’s what I love about it – it’s another example of this show’s ability to pack SO MUCH into just a few words.

For me, this is a statement on the idea of the “cool girl”. Remember that expression, we’ll come back to it in a minute.

Sexuality policing and the male gaze

In this scene, we see the extent to which Rebecca’s insecurities are focused on what people – especially men, and most especially Josh Chan – think of her. One of the main ways in which she conceptualises Valencia as “better” than her is Valencia’s seeming willingness to behave like a male sexual fantasy. (Which makes it all the more pleasing when – big spoiler incoming – Valencia both becomes a much nicer person and comes out as queer, settling down with a girlfriend, in later seasons).

Unfortunately, we live in a world where women are judged on how well they service the heterosexual male gaze. We’re taught to judge ourselves and each other on our looks from early childhood. It’s no accident that 78% of girls dislike their body by the age of 17 (including 40-60% of elementary school girls). (Source.)

As we get older, our sexuality is policed, too. Be available, but don’t be a slut. Service male desires, but don’t have your own. Be simultaneously a virgin and a whore. The expectations put on women and those perceived to be women are immense, contradictory, and devastating from a mental health perspective.

The “cool girl”

If you’re a women or perceived to be a woman, you might have been described as a “cool girl” (or wished to be one) at some point.

So what is the cool girl (CG)?

Simply put, she’s a cis heterosexual male fantasy who doesn’t actually exist. The CG is down for whatever most pleases the men around her. She eats burgers without worrying about her figure (but is still a size four, of course.) She’s “one of the boys”, but still wears high heels and a full face of makeup. She’s “sexually liberated”, but only in so far as it pleases men. Her sexuality is about their desires, not her own.

The thing is, going back to Crazy Ex Girlfriend for a second, that when we get to know Valencia, it becomes apparent that she is so much more than just a CG. She’s pretty one dimensional and dislikeable in season 1, but we come to realise that that’s more due to Rebecca’s projection than her actual character. (Let’s be real, I’d probably also come across as a mega bitch if my partner’s ex reappeared in town after ten years with the express intention of breaking us up.)

But Rebecca is so insecure that she conteptualises Valencia as the CG – hot as hell, sexually adventurous, every man’s dream. But the viewer, and Rebecca, later get to see that Valencia is actually just as insecure and just as much a victim of the patriarchy. She has desires, needs, and vulnerabilities just like anyone else.

So about “preferring” anal…

For me, this particular line was entirely about Rebecca positioning Valencia as a cool girl who, naturally, would enjoy the same things cishetero men are supposed to enjoy. Naturally, the perfect CG would not only do anal, she’d prefer it.

Anal sex was a particular point of contention in some of my early sexual relationships. Eventually, I reluctantly did it because I thought I was supposed to do it. Because the women my boyfriends watched in porn did it, the women they read about in magazines “lad mags” did it, the other women they sneakily flirted with behind my back said they would do it.

I was in my mid 20s (and in a much healthier and safer sexual relationship) before I got the chance to consider whether it was something I actually liked. This might sound ridiculous, but that question had never particularly occured to me to ask. Because I didn’t think whether or not I liked it was the point.

Authentic desire vs. mainstream pornification

I don’t have an issue with pornography in and of itself, as long as it’s consensually produced and the performers remain in control and are compensated fairly for their labour. However, I also recognise that the mainstream porn industry has a lot to answer for, and one of those things is the fact that many teenage boys now think that pressuring their girlfriends for anal is normal.

Anal sex should be approached like any other consensual kink. If you’re into it, awesome – have fun. If you’re not, that’s totally cool too! I actually did come to enjoy it after those negative early experiences (much later and with a different partner). But that was only able to happen in a space of safety, care, and zero expectations.

I wish we could think of sex as a vast menu of potential options to choose from, rather than a space where certain acts are accepted. I have a lot of respect for Dan Savage and his work, but every time he says “oral comes as standard” it makes me cringe. There shouldn’t be any standards, beyond informed consent and mutual pleasure!

If we’re into anal sex, we should be able to express that and enjoy it free of shame or stigma. But it should be considered equally fine to say hey, anal actually does hurt and I actually don’t like it. When mainstream, male gazey porn is the first introduction many young people have to sexuality, especially when it’s not accompanied by comprehensive sex education, we end up in a place where young men come to expect a certain kind of “performance” from their sexual partners.

If you absolutely need a certain sex act in your life to be fulfilled, you’re within your rights to (and probably should) seek out partners who are also into that thing. (See: why I won’t date entirely vanilla people. There’s nothing wrong with vanilla sex and I enjoy it sometimes, but I need regular kink in my life to be happy and satisfied). But I really want to do away with the idea that any sex acts – penetration, oral, hand stuff, anal, kink – are expected or standard.

Sexual compatibility matters. But what that means will vary for every couple and every individual. Authentic expression of desire is what we should strive for, not matching some impossible male gaze standard.

Cool Girls don’t actually exist, and I love the way Valencia’s character arc slowly dismantles the idea one piece at a time.

I wasn’t expecting this piece about a throwaway one-liner in a TV show to run over 1300 words, but here we are! If you enjoyed this, you can always buy me a coffee to show your appreciation.

Close up of barbed wire. For a post about hard limits that changed

The Hard Limits That Changed

Published on by Amy2 Comments

It’s #KinkMonth this October. To celebrate, I’m writing a post a day inspired by Kayla Lords’ 30 Days of D/s project.

Today is all about limits. Kayla and John ask:

Do you know what your hard limits are? Are there a few things you’d like to try but you’re a little nervous? They’re such a big part of D/s and kink, it’s never a bad idea to think about them no matter where you are in your relationship.

Hard limits are an interesting thing. In a nutshell, a hard limit is a thing you absolutely will not do under any circumstances. We all have them and we must respect and honour our own and our partner’s.

What people won’t often tell you, though, is that hard limits can change. Some will never change, and that’s okay. But some will shift over time. A “fuck no” might become a “well, maybe…” From there, it might go back to being a “no,” or it might become a firm “yes.”

Mine have certainly shifted over time. I have a few that will almost certainly never change (DD/lg, ageplay, scat, cutting, to name just a few) but others, like those included below, have fluctuated and evolved over the years.

Anal sex

I’ve had a turbulent relationship with anal sex over the years. Pressure to engage in it long before I was ready made me shut down and close myself off to the possibility. For a long time, I declared anal a hard boundary and made it clear to anyone I had sex with that butt stuff was off the table.

The secret to cracking this limit was that I had to come to it in my own time. I had to be in a situation with enough love, trust and intimacy to enable me to explore it safely. In other words, I needed a space where I could peek around this particular door, knowing it’d be safe and okay to slam it shut again if I needed to.

I’m only engaging in it with Mr CK at the current time, but anal sex has moved from a hard limit to something I really enjoy (albeit only occasionally).

Topping

Yep. Your card-carrying Twue Switch over here once insisted that she would never, ever Top or Dominate somebody under any circumstances. I once safeworded out of a threesome because the guy tried to Dom me into Domming the other woman.

And then, well, I got curious. I wanted to see what it was like. For science, you understand. To better appreciate the other side of the slash. What I didn’t expect was to like it as much as I did. (I wrote a little about that!)

I’m still about 80-99% sub (percentages vary on any given day!) but switchiness is a pretty key component of my sexual make-up and how I like to play these days.

Play-piercing

For years I simply could not understand the appeal of this. The idea of it viscerally squicked me the fuck out.

So why did I try it? Mainly, I think, to say I had. I thought it might be a funny story, a crazy anecdote to share about that time I explored a super edgy activity. And also, a little bit, because I was annoyed at myself for being so afraid of it.

It’s still very much in the “soft limit” category – a very occasional activity (literally three times ever) and one I have to be extremely careful with, for mental and physical health reasons as well as obvious safety concerns. Not to mention, of course, the sheer amount of trust required and the fact that I wouldn’t let anyone do this to me who hadn’t been trained in at least the basics by an expert.

And one that changed back: 24/7 D/s

For years, I insisted I would never do a 24/7 relationship – the idea of letting somebody have that level of control over me was, frankly, too terrifying to comprehend.

So why did I decide suddenly, in my early 20s, that I wanted it? Why did I ask my sometimes-Dom boyfriend to be my Master? The answer to that is complex and multi-faceted, but sadly the kernel at the core is this: I did it to justify to myself the fact that he already had pretty much complete control over my body, emotions, heart and life. I already barely breathed without permission, so why not stick a collar on it and call it kink?

Of course I understand that not all 24/7 relationships are abusive. There are some great and wonderful ones out there! (Hi, Kayla & John!) But that experience was valuable for me, if only because it taught me that that life isn’t for me. I don’t want to answer to anyone except in very limited and negotiated capacities. I certainly don’t ever want to hand over control over my entire life again.

Remember: limits can change! And that’s okay!

I now have three categories of limits: hard limits (NOPE NEVER ABSOLUTELY NOT,) soft limits (sometimes, under certain circumstances, with lots of negotiation,) and only-with-certain-partners limits (things I won’t do with anyone but specific people I trust sufficiently.

Your limits will change over time too. We’re humans and change is part of what we do. What’s important is to check in with yourself regularly, and keep communicating with your partner along the way!

Kinky item of the day: Jute, my bondage rope of choice. The smell, the feel, the tightness across my skin… mmmm!

A female bodied person hanging upside down in a black and white shibari drawing. With the 30 Days of Ds logo for a post on things that don't make you less Dominant

Four Things That Don’t Make You Less Dominant

Published on by Amy

It’s October, which means it’s Kink Month over at Lovehoney. (Don’t forget to use reader code AFF-COFFKINK10 for 10% off any purchase before the end of 2017!)

To celebrate, I’ve signed on for Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s programme, and am going to aim to write a post each day inspired by that day’s subject.

Day One’s prompt was all about Dominance. Kayla and John ask:

What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?

There are a lot of stereotypes of Dominants (and indeed submissives, but that’s another day) out there. Most of them are, to put it in very crass and British terms, complete stark raving bollocks. One only has to peruse the depths of Kinky & Popular on Fetlife to see all the One True Way-ism at play, people who are absolutely convinced that their particular brand of Dominance (or submission, for that matter) is the only real and correct one and that we should all just follow their lead if we want to Do It Right.

“A REAL Master always…”

“A true Dominant would never…”

It. Is. Bullshit. Dominance, like masculinity, is only as fragile as the owner allows it to be. If you’re secure in your identity as a Dominant or sometimes-Dominant person, no-one can take that away from you, the One Twue[1] Way be damned.

So here are four things that seem to give (particularly but not exclusively new or inexperienced) D-types anxiety about their Domly credentials.

Giving oral sex does not make you less Dominant.

If I could smash one stereotype with a mallet the size of my head, this would be the one. The length of time I stayed in a relationship where I didn’t get oral sex because my partner believed it was inherently beneath them as my Dominant was… well, let’s just say it was far, far too long.

This has been a bugbear for me for a really long time and I just recently discovered that Kayla also wrote an article on this very subject, way back when. It’s great. Go read it.

We do this kinky shit because it’s fun. As it turns out, a lot of people enjoy getting their cunt eaten or their dick sucked. Giving this pleasure to your partner doesn’t make you any less Dominant. In fact, there are lots of ways to explicitly frame it in a Dominant manner if that’s something you’re looking to do.

[Don’t believe me? Try shoving your submissive down onto the bed and growling, “spread your fucking legs, I’m going to eat you out until I’m satisfied. And don’t come, it’s for my pleasure, not yours.” You’re welcome.]

Loving your submissive does not make you less Dominant.

Where did we get this idea that Dominants are all cold, unfeeling monsters who are incapable of love? (And, incidentally, can we burn the Fifty Shades trilogy to the ground for, amongst MANY other sins, perpetuating this stereotype?)

BDSM and D/s is often a relationship build on profound vulnerability, trust, affection and love – on BOTH sides of the slash.

I’ve been madly in love with Dominants who just viewed me as a toy to use and then throw away, and couldn’t have given fewer fucks about me if they’d tried. I don’t recommend it.

Now, though I’ll play submissive for casual partners, I won’t deeply submit to someone unless I’m absolutely sure they love me. And that love, when I feel it, and the protection and care I feel coming from them as a result? That doesn’t diminish their control over me. It increases it.

Switching does not make you less Dominant.

Look, lots of us enjoy both sides of the slash to a greater or lesser extent. Whether you’re primarily a Top who enjoys getting flogged or tied up occasionally, the mythical fifty-fifty-down-the-middle Switch, or primarily a bottom who just has Toppy feels towards one specific partner… it doesn’t matter.

I actually really love submitting to Switches. I love it because they’ve experienced what it’s like on the other side of the whip (so to speak). This often results in increased empathy for my experience… as well as, sometimes, some truly wicked ideas that they’ve learned via the things they’ve previously had done to them!

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that True Dominants or real submissives stay in their lane and never experience the other side. Switches can be really Dominant AND really submissive. We’re not a watered-down approximation of both.

Being penetrated does not make you less Dominant.

Obviously, everyone gets to choose the acts they do and don’t want to engage in, and not everyone is into penetrative sex. But when I hear of female Dominants who’d really like to get fucked but feel they can’t have P-in-V sex with their submissive because being penetrated undermines their Dominance, or male Dominants who love anal pleasure but feel they can’t possibly take something in their ass or it’ll make them submissive… well, it makes me really sad.

Order him or her to fuck you until you’re satisfied. Make them fuck you but don’t let them get off until you’ve had your fill. Order them to fuck you in exactly the position, speed and depth YOU want to be fucked. Receiving P-in-V-or-A sex can be Domly as fuck.

In conclusion:

If you identify as Dominant, always or sometimes or occasionally or only on Fridays during the full moon or just in this specific relationship, you’re a fucking Dominant. There’s no set list of required or prohibited activities. We do this shit because it’s fun. So go forth and have some kinky fun.

[1] Not a typo.

Kinky item of the day: bondage tape for securing your lover to the bed while you ravish them thoroughly.

FYI: this post contains affiliate links and if you use them, I may make a small commission.