I’ve only ever been called an “influencer” once and to be honest, friends, it made my teeth itch. I never set out to be an influencer, and ultimately the only thing I want to “influence” anyone to do is to have healthier, happier sex lives and more fulfilling relationships. That may or may not include buying quality sexual wellness or pleasure products. And today I’m going to be deinfluencing you from buying a bunch of shit you don’t need.
Settle in, get comfy, and grab a beverage, because this one got long.
I’m tremendously grateful, of course, to all the brands and business owners that have trusted me to test, review, and promote their products and to everyone who has ever used my affiliate links to make a purchase. Those deals and the money I make from them help me to keep the site going and pay my bills But my first duty is and will always be to my readers.
I promised right at the beginning of Coffee & Kink that I would never lie, deliberately omit pertinent information, or promote things I hadn’t tried or didn’t believe in. I’m proud to have stuck to that philosophy for more than 8 years.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this “deinfluencing you” trend that I’m seeing all over the various social media platforms, particularly Instagram and TikTok. In a nutshell, deinfluencing is all about the things you don’t need to buy. It’s about encouraging people to be more mindful about the products they buy, avoiding both overhyped nonsense that doesn’t work and micro-trends that will be used a handful of times and end up in landfill by this time next year.
Done right, deinfluencing can help to reduce overconsumption, reduce waste, and save money.
What I haven’t seen yet, though, is any deinfluencing content specifically related to sexual wellness products. So I thought I’d create some.
Deinfluencing You: 6 Sexual Wellness and Pleasure Products You Do Not Need
First, a quick disclaimer: this is ultimately my opinion. If you’ve bought any of these products and found that they changed your sex life for the better, you do you! I’m happy for you. The point of this isn’t to say these products are inherently bad (though some of them are). The point is to get you to look past the marketing hype and consider whether they’ll actually be beneficial to you.
So what pleasure and sexual wellness products do you not need? Here are six I’d like to deinfluence you from buying.
Sex Toy Cleaner
Dedicated “toy cleaner” for sex toys is a scam, and an expensive one at that. Simply put, it probably won’t hurt you but you definitely don’t need it. There’s nothing special, magical, or unique about sex toy cleaner. It’s literally a body-safe (sometimes) antibacterial spray or liquid, that’s it. If you’re using non-porous, body-safe toys, you don’t need it. If you’re using porous or toxic toys, it won’t help you.
You can safely skip the toy cleaner and save money by learning how to clean your toys quickly and easily without it. I wrote this guide for Godemiche a few years ago, but here’s the TL/DR version:
- Boil silicone, glass, or stainless steel non-motorized toys in a pot of water on the stove for 10 minutes.
- Clean ABS plastic toys and water-resistant motorized toys with some warm water and a gentle antibacterial soap.
- For everything else, or for a quick clean-up between uses, a body-safe sterile wipe (the kind you can buy in bulk designed for cleaning medical instruments) is a great option.
Anything to Change How Your Genitals Taste, Smell, or Look
Though no-one is immune, these types of products and services are disproportionately marketed at people with vulvas. There is an enormous and hugely profitable industry out there designed to make you feel bad about the appearance, smell, or taste of your genitals. This category covers everything from sprays, creams, douches, and intimate washes through to supplements and even extreme solutions such as cosmetic surgeries.
But here’s the thing: pussy is supposed to smell and taste like pussy. Not flowers or honey or fucking cookies. And healthy, normal genitals come in numerous shapes, sizes, colours, textures, levels of symmetry, amounts and types of hair, and more. I want to deinfluence you not just from buying bogus products, but from thinking there is a single thing wrong with your beautiful, perfect genitals exactly as they are.
At best, anything designed to change the smell or taste of your genitals is unlikely to work for longer than a few minutes. At worst, these products can be actively dangerous. Many of them contain harmful ingredients which can disrupt the delicate balance of bacteria, throw off your pH levels, and lead to discomfort or even infection.
The amazing thing about the vagina is that it’s self-cleaning. You don’t need to – and shouldn’t – put any products inside it at all. The external vulva needs nothing more than a daily wash with some warm water to keep it clean. Some experts say to use a gentle and unperfumed soap, others say to avoid soaps entirely.
Short of surgery, you also can’t change how your genitals look. And you don’t need to! Your bits don’t need to be bigger, smaller, tighter, plumper, skinnier, neater, or any other bullshit you’ve been fed. They’re perfect exactly as they are. Anyone who shames or criticises you for the normal look, feel, taste, or smell of your genitals doesn’t deserve to be anywhere near your glorious body.
Scented or Flavoured Lube (Especially Seasonal Flavoured Lube)
I’m a big fan of lube. I probably have about ten or fifteen bottles of the stuff scattered around my bedroom, in my party kit, in my various travel bags for visiting my long-distance girlfriend, and in my “to be reviewed” pile. I believe lube can help to make mediocre sex good, and good sex great.
Flavoured lube, though?
No. That stuff can fuck off.
Flavoured lube is often packed with ingredients such as glycerin and other sweeteners, flavourings and fragrances. All of these can be really bad for vulvovaginal health. It also tends to have an unpleasant sticky texture.
And again: genitals are meant to smell and taste like genitals. Not strawberry. Not bubblegum. And certainly not any “seasonal” flavours, like that caramel latte stuff I reviewed once and then forgot about and ultimately threw away two years later because, even though it was less gross than many such products, I still don’t actually want my/my partners’ bits to taste of coffee and sugar.
While I’m deinfluencing you from buying flavoured lubes, I think we also need an honourable mention for flavoured condoms. I can sort of see the appeal of them if you’re someone who uses barriers for oral sex. Latex tastes nasty, after all. But in my considered opinion, those horrible artificial flavours taste worse. Pro tip: choose non-latex condoms made from materials like polyurethane (PU) condoms, and go for the non-lubricated variety, to minimise the taste and smell.
Libido or Arousal Supplements
Libido-boosting supplements and arousal supplements are big business. Manufacturers of these products make lofty claims, but do they work? Probably not, says Harvard Medical School. Some of these products may contain ingredients for which there is some evidence base, but at best they’re a helping hand, not a magic solution. Often, they’re pure pseudoscience.
Sometimes, libido supplements they can even be dangerous. They can cause unforseen side effects, allergic reactions, or interactions with other prescription or over-the-counter medication. If you’re going to try one, always consult a healthcare professional first. My ultimate recommendation, though, is to avoid these products unless you’re specifically directed to take one by your doctor.
Why? They’re a neat and easy “solution” to a complex issue which may or may not even be a problem at all.
Sexual desire (it’s not a drive!) is complex. Many people do not experience spontaneous desire (that “out of the blue” horniness or desire for sex, without any kind of sexually relevant stimulus) at all. Others experience it rarely, or find that its frequency declines with age. And some experience it all the time! All of these experiences are normal and healthy.
If your sexual desire is low, whether it’s always been low or has dipped recently, you don’t need scammy pills and potions. Instead, you need to take the time to understand what’s going on for you. Factors such as ageing, hormonal changes, pain, disability, stress, mental health problems, pregnancy and parenting, caring responsibilities, relationship challenges, and bereavement are just a few of the things that can impact sexual desire and sexual response. You might also be on the asexual spectrum or just a person with naturally low sexual desire. If your level of desire or lack thereof is not causing a problem for you, then… it’s not a problem!
Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are and its accompanying workbook is an unbeatable resource for anyone who is struggling with sexual desire. It’s primarily about the experiences of cis women and other people with vulvas, but Nagoski’s insights and the science underpinning them can be transformative for anyone. It’ll cost you a lot less than a packet of “libido-boosting supplements” and it’ll likely help you a hell of a lot more. (I might be deinfluencing you from buying crappy sexual wellness products, but I’m very happy to influence you into reading and internalising the brilliance of Dr. Nagoski!)
Note: what I’m not talking about in this section is pleasure balm, clitoral stimulation cream and so on. You apply these topically and they contain ingredients that stimulate blood flow or provide a pleasurable tingling sensation. I’m a big fan of these products and to the best of my knowledge, believe them to be safe.
Numbing Lubes, Sprays, and Creams
Numbling lubes, as well as other products such as sprays and creams, contain desensitising ingredients such as lidocaine or benzocaine. They’re particularly popular for anal sex. Some people also use them to delay ejaculation.
This is another product that isn’t just bad and a waste of money, it’s dangerous.
Never, ever, ever use a numbling agent for any kind of penetrative sex, whether anal or vaginal. Sex should not hurt. Yes, including anal sex – this is one of the biggest and most harmful anal sex myths there is. Yes, including the first time you have penetrative sex. If sex is painful, something is wrong. You might not be sufficiently aroused or lubricated. You might be tense or worried. Or there might be an underlying medical cause.
Regardless of the reason, numbing the area so you don’t feel the pain isn’t the answer. Pain is your body’s way of telling you something is wrong. Without its vital signals, you literally won’t be able to tell if damage is happening to your delicate tissue. Sex should never be something you have to push through or numb your body to get through.
Though it’s not as dangerous, I’d also like to deinfluence you from using numbing agents to delay ejaculation. Firstly, they reduce pleasure, which is likely one of the main reasons you’re having sex in the first place. Some people experience unwanted side effects such as redness, irritation, or even an allergic reaction. They can also transfer to your partner during penetrative sex, numbing or causing irritation to their vagina or anus.
If you’re tempted to reach for the numbing lube or spray, whether to deal with painful sex or to manage ejaculation that’s faster than you would like, seek support from a qualified medical professional such as a doctor or psychosexual therapist instead.
Yoni Eggs, Quartz Wands, and Other Crystal Sex Toys
Remember those “jade eggs” that Gwynneth Paltrow’s company, Goop, was selling a few years back? The company ended up paying $145,000 in fines for “unsubstantiated” marketing claims. Goop claimed that its jade eggs and quartz eggs could correct all kinds of medical issues, from hormonal imbalances to irregular mentrual cycles. Spoiler: they couldn’t.
Yoni eggs are egg-shaped pleasure products, designed to be inserted into the vagina. They’re usually made from gems such as jade or rose quartz. Other, similar products include quartz wands, which are basically dildos made from rose quartz. Proponents claim that these products have an array of impressive benefits, from altering hormones to healing sexual trauma. Spoiler: they don’t.
Some claims about crystal sex toys are readily disprovable with, you know, science. Others are so vague and wishy-washy as to be functionally meaningless. “As for ‘female energy’… I’m a gynaecologist and I don’t know what that is,” quips the amazing Dr. Jen Gunter.
Say it with me: crystals look pretty but they have absolutely no other powers or properties. Sorry pals, but I’m here to tell you that these things are absolute, solid gold, grade A bullshit. It’s pure woo nonsense made up to sell you things. And if you put crystals inside your body, they can also be dangerous.
Firstly, crystals are often porous. This means they will harbour bacteria and never get truly clean, leading to issues such as infections. This is a particular risk for products such as yoni eggs, which are designed to be worn inside the vagina for hours at a time. Some gynecologists have even identified them as a risk for toxic shock syndrome, which can be fatal.
Stones and crystals vary widely in both their porosity and their overall quality. Because the sex toy industry is largely unregulated, it can be hard to be sure that what you’re getting is what the manufacturer claims it is. That’s why writers, educators, and advocates like me are constantly banging on about how you should only buy from reputable retailers. This risk goes up massively when you’re dealing with things like crystals.
Crystal mining can also be harmful to the environment and to the people who actually dig these stones out of the ground. According to solicitor Rebecca Swan, writing for UK law firm Leigh Day, crystal mining can come with a steep human cost: injury, death, child labour, and economic exploitation. According to Tess McClure, writing for The Guardian, crystal mining is contributing directly to rainforest destruction and threatening the survival of endangered species. Some activists have even called crystals “the new blood diamonds.”
Not so “healing”, huh? If these facts don’t deinfluence you from being tempted by crystal pleasure products, I don’t know what will.
Leave the crystals alone. Your body and the planet will thank you.
I hope this has given you pause for thought if you were considering buying any of these products, which vary from “unnecessary and expensive” to “actively dangerous.” If I think of other sexual wellness and pleasure products you definitely don’t need, I might follow this up with a part 2.
Looking for pleasure products that are good for your body from companies you can trust? Check out my favourite retailers in the right hand sidebar or read my sex toy reviews for an unbiased and informed perspective.
