[Lube, Cosmetics & Massage Products Review] Bijoux Indiscrets Bubblegum Play Kit

One of the fun things about being both a femme and a sex blogger at this time of year is seeing all the sweet, cutesy, pink-and-hearts-and-flowers themed products that companies are putting out for Valentine’s Day. Bijoux Indiscrets were kind enough to send me this year’s Valentine’s offering from their range: the Bubblegum Play Kit.

Bijoux Indiscrets Bubblegum Play Kit

The Bubblegum Play Kit contains three products: a warming massage oil, a full-body massage gel that doubles as a water-based lube, and a lipgloss. Each one is scented and flavoured like bubblegum. All three products, like everything in Bijoux’s range, are vegan.

Bijoux Indiscrets bubblegum play kit

The kit came packaged in a cute pink box with a heart on the front, much like the packaging you might get on a gift set of cosmetics or bath products. The overall effect, like the products themselves, is sweet to the point of saccharine. But how did the contents stack up? Let’s take a closer look at each item.

Warming Massage Oil

Bijoux Indiscrets bubblegum massage oil

This isn’t really an oil in the true sense of the word. As far as I can tell, it doesn’t actually contain any oil at all. It’s really a water-based gel that warms as you massage it in. Still, we’ll call it “massage oil” to distinguish it from the other massage product in this kit.

For me, it takes about a minute to feel the massage oil warming on my skin. You’ll get a more intense warming sensation if you blow gently on it.

I found that it didn’t really blend or get fully absorbed into the skin the way some massage oils do. Instead, it tends to linger on the surface. This can be a good thing, as a little bit goes a long way and there’s no need to keep reapplying it. However, it can also be a problem if you don’t enjoy the feeling of having oil or gel lingering on your skin.

This is by far the nicest tasting of the three products. It’s very, very, very sweet, so you’ll want to know that going on. That sweetness is likely due to its first ingredient: glycerin. Due to the glycerin, I found that my hands and skin felt quite sticky after using it and I wanted to wash it off.

Stickiness aside, though, this is a fine massage gel and the sweet bubblegum taste and pink aesthetic gives it a fun and playful vibe.

You can buy this gel separately for €22. It’s also available in caramel & sea salt and strawberry & honey flavours.

Full Body Massage Gel/Lube

Bijoux Indiscrets bubblegum massage gel/lube

According to Bijoux Indiscrets, this water-based massage gel can double up as an intimate lubricant. It has quite a long list of ingredients, so you’ll want to review it carefully to make sure there’s nothing you’re sensitive to.

I can’t see anything alarming in the ingredients, but I’m also not enough of an expert to declare them all definitely fine. At the very least this gel/lube contains no glycerin or parabens, though it does contain “Aroma” (artificial fragrance/flavour) which is not very specific and can include any number of things.

I do quite like the feeling of this one. It’s somewhere between a thick liquid and a thin gel, and it spreads across the skin nicely and lasts well. However, unlike the massage oil, this gel tastes really unpleasant to me. Instead of sweetness, it’s got a horrible chemical-y taste. I’m quite sensitive to artificial sweeteners and I can really, really taste them in this.

I probably won’t finish this one, honestly. I’m “meh” on flavoured lubes to begin with and this isn’t a nice tasting one.

Oral Pleasure Lip Gloss

Bijoux Indiscrets bubblegum lipgloss

This lip gloss is more subtly flavoured than the other two products in the set, but still has a distinctive bubblegum flavour. It’s not quite as sweet as the massage oil (which is probably a good thing for a product that goes directly on your mouth!)

After you apply it, you start getting a tingling sensation thanks to the peppermint oil it contains. I think, based on the name, the idea is that you put it on and then perform oral sex with it. I haven’t had the opportunity to try that but I did try putting a bit on my vulva, just to see what the effect would be. It gave a kinda pleasurable tingly, warming feeling a bit like a warming lube or menthol pleasure balm. So that effect might translate if you used it during oral?

The warming and tingling is really noticeable on my lips, to the point that it becomes uncomfortable if I use too much. You really only need a little bit of this one.

This lipgloss lasts well and gives a nice glossy shine. It’s a little sticky, which wasn’t a problem once it was on but made applying it with my fingers annoying. A brush or wand would be better than the pump top bottle.

Verdict

I generally liked two out of the three products in this kit and will definitely finish them. However, at €60 it’s pretty pricey for what it is. For that reason I don’t think I’d buy it again.

If you have a femme in your life who really likes pink things and bubblegum, though, it could be a cute and sensual Valentine’s Day gift.

Thanks to Bijoux Indiscrets for sending me this product to review! All views are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.

[Toy Review] Womanizer Next

Can you believe it’s 10 years since Womanizer released their first Pleasure Air clitoral stimulator into the world? That product brought a whole new category of sex toys into popular consciousness and launched a thousand copycats. To celebrate 10 years, the company has released their latest offering: the Womanizer Next.

How does it stack up? Let’s take a look, shall we?

Womanizer Next Clitoral Suction Stimulator: What’s New?

The Womanizer Next is the latest in Womanizer’s long line of clitoral suction stimulators based on their patented “Pleasure Air” technology. If you’re not familiar with this type of toy, they feature a nozzle that goes over your clit and then stimulates it with rapid air pulses.

The Womanizer Next comes in sleek and sexy packaging that adds to the overall luxury vibe of the product. In the box you’ll find the toy, the charging cable, a storage bag, a spare nozzle, and an instruction leaflet.

Womanizer Next in its packaging

This toy is rechargeable with a full charge taking around 2 hours and giving you about the same in battery life. It’s also IPX7 waterproof (submersible in up to 1 metre of water).

At first glance, the Womanizer Next and Womanizer Premium bear a strong resemblance. They also retail for a similar price: £179.99/$199 for the Premium and £189.99/$219 for the Next. But what’s special about the Next and how is it similar and different from the Premium?

Womanizer Premium and Womanizer Next
The Womanizer Next (right) with the Womanizer Premium

Womanizer Next vs. Premium: Similarities

  • The two toys are the same basic shape, design, and interface, though the Next is slightly larger than the Premium.
  • Both feature a soft, silicone-coated body and body-safe silicone interchangeable nozzles.
  • Both offer 14 intensity settings.
  • Both come with Smart Silence technology (which means the toy will only operate when it’s in close contact with the body) and an Autopilot mode which guides you through a pre-set sequence of stimulation levels.

Womanizer Next vs. Premium: Differences

This is where things get interesting! The Womanizer Next offers an array of new features alongside those old favourites from the Premium.

  • The latest technology enhancement, 3D Pleasure Air, allows you to control not only the speed/intensity of the suction but also the “depth.” With 14 intensity settings and 3 depth settings – controlled by a separate button – it’s highly customisable.
  • The “Afterglow” function allows you to immediately switch to the lowest setting after orgasm.
  • The new, redesigned motor provides slower pulses than previous Womanizer toys and a “linear, up-and-down movement”. Supposedly this provides a more realistic sensation that more closely mimics oral sex (which… we’ll pick apart later.)

Overall, if you’re choosing between the two products, I’d advise you to go for the Next. You’re only paying £10/$20 more, and you get several great new features for that small price difference.

The Next also comes in two new colourways, Sage and Dark Purple, as well as black.

Womanizer Next: Pros

I had high expectations for the Womanizer Next. I’ve tried many Womanizer products over the years and, despite some occasional missteps, there have been far more hits than misses.

Womanizer Next back view

So what were the best things about this one?

  • That depth function! It’s perfect for ramping things up just at the moment when you need a tiny bit more. Each of the three depth settings feels noticeably different on all the toy’s speeds.
  • The Afterglow feature is genuinely brilliant. Many people, including me, find that their clit gets over-sensitive immediately after orgasm. Being able to switch to the lowest setting and continue enjoying a level of stimulation that’s comfortable is a game-changer.
  • The two nozzles provided are slightly different sizes, making the toy suitable for more bodies. The slightly larger one works best for me.
  • I love the slower air pulses, which give a gentler level of stimulation to start with. Great for warm-up or just for high sensitivity days.
  • I can easily use it hands-free just by kinda holding it between my thighs. This is unusual, but suction toys often work best for me with my legs closed rather than spread. I suspect it’s because so much of the focus is on the head of the clit and this position kinda brings everything closer together.
  • The Smart Silence feature isn’t particularly useful to me – I share a house with a partner who knows all about my masturbation habits! – but may be highly useful to those who need to be more discreet.
  • The button placement is intuitive and the interface is simple to use despite the toy’s many features.
  • It works beautifully in water, creating a kind of “swirling” feeling that is absolutely divine.
  • Most importantly, this thing got me off hard and fast. I’ll say this for Womanizer: they’re reliable when it comes to inducing leg-shaking, sheet-soaking, neighbour-scaring orgasms.

Womanizer Next: Downsides

With all of those great things said, was there anything I didn’t like about the Womanizer Next?

  • I still can’t say I see the point of the Autopilot feature. I guess it’s a little more like receiving stimulation from a partner because the toy changes intensity without input from you? However, unlike a partner, the toy cannot respond to your reactions so the changes are essentially random. And if it shifts down at the wrong moment, that seems like a recipe for ruined orgasms and frustration. (Of course, that might be your kink. In which case have fun.)
  • The buttons are not as clicky or easy to press as on previous Womanizer models.
  • I’m annoyed by the “designed for multiple orgasms” marketing. Not everyone can have multiples! Not everyone WANTS to have multiples! Stop being prescriptive. This is less egregious than “orgasm guaranteed” but it’s still… not great.
  • It is not, despite the packaging and product listing’s claims, “noiseless.” Yes, it’s very quiet on the lower settings. However, on the higher settings (and particularly once the top depth settings get involved) I would say it’s average-to-loud.

No, It Still Doesn’t Feel Like Cunnilingus

I’m calling it: it is not possible, with the technology we currently have available, to design a sex toy that accurately and realistically replicates the feeling of receiving cunnilingus.

Yes, using a clit sucker is much closer to cunnilingus than other forms of stimulation (e.g. masturbation with fingers or vibrators.) It kinda sorta resembles the “sucking” motion that a partner might make on your clit. It’s the closest way for me to scratch that particular itch if I’m craving cunnilingus and do not have a willing partner available. However, it cannot replicate the warmth, wetness, or overall feel of a mouth.

I really wish companies would stop marketing toys in this way, because it just feeds unrealistic expectations. This is a great product, but it is not in any meaningful way an “oral sex simulator.” I am sure such a thing will exist one day, but it doesn’t yet.

Verdict

The Womanizer Next is, like many of its predecessors, seriously pricey. However, it does offer a lot of bang for your buck (so to speak) in terms of features, functionality, and effectiveness. It’s a great next generation of an already excellent product and a worthy celebration of Womanizer’s 10th anniversary!

The Womanizer Next is available from Lovehoney UK* and Lovehoney US*, and of course Womanizer themselves.

[*] Use code coffkink10 to get 10% off

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product, which features in their top sex toys for Valentine’s Day! Affiliate links appear in this post. All views are, as always, mine.

[Toy Review] ROMP Lipstick Clitoral Suction Stimulator

ROMP is a toy brand owned by WOW Tech, the parent company behind brands such as Womanizer, We-Vibe, Pjur, and Arcwave. ROMP toys have a fun, playful aesthetic and come in a range of bright, popping colours. I received the ROMP Lipstick Clitoral Suction Stimulator (US link) which features in Lovehoney’s top picks for Valentine’s Day, to test.

ROMP Lipstick Clitoral Suction Stimulator

The ROMP Lipstick Clitoral Suction Stimulator measures 4″ in total length and looks like, well, a tube of lipstick (or other makeup product such as mascara.) It wouldn’t look at all out of place in my makeup bag.

ROMP Lipstick Clitoral Suction Stimulator

The ROMP Lipstick is a clitoral suction stimulator that – like the thousands of other toys in this category now on the market – uses a nozzle opening and rapid pulses of air to provide “touchless” stimulation to the clit. The toy’s body is made of hard plastic, and its nozzle is made of body-safe silicone.

This toy is rechargeable. A full charge (2 hours) gives you around 60 minutes of use on the top setting. It’s also IPX7 waterproof, i.e. submersible in water up to 1 metre for up to 30 minutes.

Things I Like About the ROMP Lipstick

Before I start complaining about all the issues with the ROMP Lipstick Clitoral Suction Stimulator, let’s talk about the things I did like!

ROMP Lipstick Clitoral Suction Stimulator

  • The look. In general, I’m “meh” about the concept of sex toys that are deliberately designed not to look like sex toys. But the aesthetic of this one is cute and fun enough that it gets away with it.
  • It’s small, light, and comfortable to hold.
  • The button placement is sensible (on the base of the toy) and the button itself is clicky and easy to press.
  • It has 7 evenly-graded power settings, which is reasonable for a toy at this price point.
  • It’s pretty quiet, especially when the nozzle is against the body.

That’s about it, I’m afraid.

Anything I Don’t Like?

Ugh. Where do I begin? I really wanted to love this product, because I was drawn to its bright colours and cute design. Unfortunately, I have far more negative than positive to say about the ROMP Lipstick Clitoral Suction Stimulator. Namely…

  • The nozzle is too small! I don’t have a particularly large clit, but I couldn’t even get this thing to enclose it all. The nozzle opening is a tiny 1cm in diameter. If your clit is anything but quite small, I think you’ll struggle with this one.
  • The suction mechanism is – how do I put this nicely? – absolute crap. I didn’t get any of the lovely fluttering sensations that I get from good clit suction toys. Instead, it just felt like a particularly weak and buzzy vibrator.
  • The button isn’t always responsive. About 10-20% of the time, I have to press it twice to get the setting to change.
  • For a toy at this price-point, a one-button interface (meaning you have to scroll through all the settings to go backwards) really isn’t good enough.
  • It’s far too expensive. £49.99/$59.99 is a reasonable price for a mid-range toy, but feels like a rip-off for something as disappointing as this.
ROMP Lipstick Clitoral Suction Stimulator

Worst of all is that I knew within two minutes that this thing was never going to get me off. Even with warm-up and some hot content to read, there was just absolutely no way. To be honest, even when I was turned on and my clit was sensitive and ready to go, this toy didn’t even feel particularly good. If “did not give me an orgasm” is a damning statement to make about a sex toy, “did not even feel good” is pretty unforgiveable.

A final and possibly petty gripe: the packaging tells me I can “cancel my next booty call”. This is an immediate ugh from me because I do not think we should be comparing toys to human partners or framing them as replacements, even in jest. It’s also just ridiculously inaccurate considering the speed with which I threw this thing across the room and reached for something effective to finish the job.

Verdict

The ROMP Lipstick Clitoral Suction Stimulator is, all things considered, tremendously disappointing. Its nozzle is too small, its suction functionality is lacklustre, and there is simply no universe in which it will ever make me cum.

Sadly, I’m chalking this one up as overpriced and underwhelming. Especially because you can get far better clitoral suction toys for the same price (or even less!) Skip it.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links appear in this post. Using them sends a small commission my way at no extra cost to you!

[Toy Review] Godemiche Grind Ring “Hearts”

Happy Valentine’s Day, loves!

I’m generally not too fussed about Valentine’s Day these days. In non-plague times it’s as good an excuse for a date as any, but I’m not super into the idea of expressing love just because it’s a particular date. I’d rather show my love all year round. With that said, I’ve decided to mark the day in two ways: I’m wearing my “DM Me” heart tights from Snag, and I’m bringing you a review of Godemiche’s new Grind Ring texture, “Hearts”.

What is a Grind Ring and how do you use it?

If you’re new here, you may have missed my previous reviews (part 1 and part 2) of the Grind Ring collection. In Godemiche’s own words:

The Grind Ring is a soft textured piece of body safe silicone that’s shaped like a pizza slice with a bulge for grinding, dare we say it, it’s also more enjoyable then a pizza slice too and way fucking dirtier.

They measure 6 inches in length and 4.3 inches across at the widest point, and feature a stretchy hole for a penis or dildo to fit through at the base.

There are currently six textures available, of which Hearts is the newest addition. I knew I wanted my Hearts Grind Ring in a Valentine’s-themed colour, so I opted for Ruby Rose. It’s a gorgeous and shimmery red/pink, and on the flat back side of the toy you get a beautiful marbling, swirling effect. Here’s what it looks like:

Godemiche Hearts Grind Ring, Valentine's Day sex toy
Back of Godemiche Hearts Grind Ring, Valentine's Day sex toy for women and people with clits

The intended purpose of a Grind Ring is to wear it around the penis or dildo during penetrative sex with someone with a clitoris, so that the receptive partner can grind against it and enjoy additional clitoral stimulation (which, as we know, is essential to reach orgasm for a significant majority of cis women and other people with vulvas).

However, as I’ve discovered, there are numerous other ways to enjoy this toy. While it’s certainly fun to use during P-in-V sex with my partner, I actually mostly use my Grind Rings by placing them on a firm surface (my desk chair is ideal) and grinding against it from a seated position. I also regularly use them as an accessory for hand sex, as that allows me to feel all the lovely texture while having finer control over the pressure and angle. Other good options include using it with a dildo for solo sex, or placing it over the head of a powerful wand vibrator.

As always, the only “right” way to use a toy is the way that feels right for you.

Texture: Hearts

So the Hearts Grind Ring is obviously cute as fuck. But how does it feel in use? I had a feeling I was going to get along well with this one as soon as I saw it, and I wasn’t disappointed. The hearts are sufficiently raised to provide a unique, and moderately intense, sensation. For a point of comparison, I’d describe the Hearts texture as less intense than the Spikes texture but more intense than the Waves or Bumps.

Due to the shape of the hearts, I find this Grind Ring is more intense on the downward motion than on the upward motion. The smooth silicone, coupled with the deeply ridged texture, is divine when paired with tonnes of lube. Of all the Grind Ring textures I’ve now tried, the Hearts is the one that gets me off the most quickly and the most consistently.

I’d recommend this one to people who enjoy firm pressure with their clitoral stimulation. It’s as functional as it is pretty and I’m a little bit in love.

Pro tip: I like to put a little clitoral balm on the toy itself for added intensity.

Verdict

Definitely a toy that’s not just for Valentine’s Day! I just received my Hearts Grind Ring a few days ago and it’s fast becoming an absolute favourite.

You know what else I love about these toys? Apart from the fact that they feel amazing, that is. As far as I can tell, there really isn’t anything else quite like this on the market. Genuine innovation is pretty rare in this industry, where copycat products and occasionally blatant design stealing are rampant. And oftentimes, when a sex toy is original in design, it’s also… kind of terrible. So to come across something that’s both actually innovative and actually good is a breath of fresh air.

The Hearts Grind Ring starts from £39.99. Get one for yourself or your favourite clit owner. You won’t regret it.

Thanks to Godemiche for sending me this product to review. Affiliate links appear in this post. Buying through my links helps to keep the blog going at no additional cost to you. All views, as always, are mine.

[Lingerie Review] Lovehoney Tiger Lily Red Floral Lace Body

[Update 10/05/24: this product has been discontinued. I have removed dead links but left the post up for reference.]

This is the final review in my series looking at Lovehoney’s 2022 Valentine’s Day lingerie offerings. With seven days to go, you’ve still got plenty of time to shop if you want to treat your loved one, or yourself, to some sexy Valentine’s lingerie. Today we’re looking at another piece from the Tiger Lily range: the Tiger Lily Red Floral Lace Body.

Tiger Lily Red Floral Lace Body: Style and Aesthetics

The Tiger Lily Lace Body is a one-piece bodysuit made from floral lace and mesh (polyamide/polyester/elastane) in a vibrant shade of red. I’ve already gushed about how much I love this fabric, and I still do. It’s eye-catchingly bright, flirtatious and femme, and the tiny flecks of silvery thread in the lace make it shimmer as it catches the light.

The Tiger Lily Lace Body features a wide waistband adorned with a Lovehoney heart insignia, a plunging neckline with strappy detailing, criss-cross back straps, and poppers at the crotch for easy access.

Thiis piece’s shape works brilliantly for my body. It draws attention to the parts I’m most comfortable with (waist curve and cleavage) while pulling the eye away from the parts I don’t love so much (stomach). The slightly higher cut on the leg helps make my short legs look a little longer, and the scalloped edging is a really beautiful detail.

The Tiger Lily Lace Body is gorgeous on its own and makes a real statement. You could also pair it with the matching mask and cuffs set (which I reviewed last week), a pair of fishnet stockings and some killer heels, or a pair of red satin gloves for a sophisticated twist.

Comfort and Fit

The Tiger Lily Lace Body comes in two different sizes: One Size (UK 8-16) and One Size Queen (UK 18-24). I’m currently a size 12 and the One Size fits me well, and would easily work for a size or two bigger or smaller as well.

The Tiger Lily bodysuit is adjustable in a number of places for a more comfortable fit. The shoulder straps and back strap are easily adjustable with sliders, and two rows of poppers offer two sizing options for the crotch. The fabric is stretchy and the waistband even more so.

Best of all, this bodysuit style is big bust friendly! The overwhelming majority of wired lingerie at remotely affordable price points, however much I love it, is simply not suitable for someone with a G-cup chest. I either end up with wires jabbing me painfully in the ribs, boob spilling over the top or out of the sides of the cups, or both. That’s why I tend to gravitate towards non-wired pieces with more fabric – they offer greater coverage and everything stays in place far better.

Another advantage of non-wired lingerie, of course, is comfort. The Tiger Lily Lace Body’s material is soft and non-scratchy, something I can’t overstate the importance of. In other words, it’s an item I could wear all night without either constant readjusting or wanting to claw my skin off because it’s so itchy.

Verdict

The Tiger Lily Lace Body is my absolute favourite from Lovehoney’s Valentine’s Day line this year (and that’s saying something – it’s a strong range overall!) The fabric is beautiful, the colour is gorgeous, and the shape is perfect for my body. It’s also easy to wear and comfortable enough to flaunt all night long.

Yes, yes, and yes. I’m going to get a lot of wear out of this one.

The Tiger Lily Red Floral Lace Body retails for £32.99.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the Tiger Lily lace bodysuit along with various other items for review. All views are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.

[Lingerie Review] Lovehoney Lotus Embroidered Black Chemise Set

[Update 11/03/24: this product has been discontinued. I have removed dead links but left the post up for reference.]

I was really spoiled for choice with this year’s Lovehoney Valentine’s Day lingerie offerings. Between the flirty red Tiger Lily range, the sophisticated blue Orchid range, and now the classic and sexy black Lotus range, there were so many beautiful things to pick from. I decided to branch out and try something I wouldn’t normally pick up – namely the Lotus Embroidered Black Chemise Set.

Lotus Take a Closer Look

The Embroidered Black Chemise Set comes with two pieces: the chemise itself and a matching thong. The chemise features wired quarter cups, bra-style back clasp and straps, and removeable panels to cover your nipples. Its waistband and removeable panels are made of beautiful semi see-through lace with floral embroidery, and the skirt is made of a soft and swishy polyester/elastane blend. The matching thong features a sexy lace panel at the front and a 100% cotton gusset.

Lotus Embroidered Black Chemise from Lovehoney Valentine's Day lingerie

Black lingerie never goes out of style. Though this is part of the Valentine’s Day lingerie line, it’s really a timeless style that will look fabulous any night of the year. The floral lace adds a fun and femme touch, and the hint of skin between the bra cup and lace panel ups the sexiness.

Close up of Lovehoney embroidered black chemise lace

I also really love the shape of this piece. I’m confident about my waist and less confident about my stomach, and this chemise emphasises the former while drawing attention away from the latter.

Fit and Comfort

The Lotus Embroidered Black Chemise Set comes in sizes from UK6 up to UK30. I received the Medium (UK10/12 equivalent). Unfortunately, every time I order an item of lingerie with underwires, I remember why I usually don’t. While the rest of the piece fits me well, hugging my waist and reaching just to the bottom of my butt, the cups are far, far too small.

I understand that lingerie like this can’t come in every possible permutation of body size + cup size. That’d make each item unreasonably expensive and probably result in a lot of unsold stock. Unfortunately, this reality means that designers have to make some assumptions regarding average cup sizes in relation to body size. And I’m aware that my size 12 frame/G cup boobs combo isn’t exactly typical. The result, though, is that the overwhelming majority of lingerie with wires just isn’t going to work for my body.

I can sort of get the Lotus Embroidered Black Chemise to work for me with some very careful adjustment to how the quarter cups and embroidered panels sit. But even then, things keep slipping out of place, meaning that either my boobs fall out or I get poked in the ribcage with a wire that’s really too small for my chest.

The Lotus Embroidered Black Chemise is adjustable in a couple of places. The bra clasp features 3 settings, and you can make the straps longer or shorter to suit you. There’s a good amount of stretch to the thong’s waistband, too, so that should work for most bodies that fall within the size range.

Comfort-wise, I have no complaints beyond the sizing issues. The mesh skirt is super soft and the lace is skin-friendly and non scratchy.

Verdict

Beautiful… as long as your boobs will fit in it! If you’re small to average chested, this is a gorgeous piece in a classic, sexy design. If you’re larger chested, though, I can’t wholeheartedly recommend it as you’re likely to encounter the same fit issues as I did.

I really wish this one worked for me, because I really do love the style. Unfortunately, I think I’ll be passing it on to a smaller-chested friend, and continuing to gravitate towards more boob-friendly styles such as bodysuits and wireless pieces.

The Lotus Embroidered Black Chemise Set retails for £44.99.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this piece in exchange for an honest review. All views, as always, are mine.

[Accessories Review] Lovehoney Tiger Lily Lace Cuffs and Eye Mask Set

[Update 10/05/24: this product has been discontinued. I have removed dead links but left the post up for reference.]

For today’s mini review, we’re looking at another product from Lovehoney’s 2022 Valentine’s Day lingerie. The Tiger Lily range consists of six designs. I’ll also be reviewing the bodysuit next week, so keep an eye out for that! Today, though, we’re looking at the Tiger Lily Lace Cuffs and Eye Mask Set.

The Lace Cuffs and Mask Set consists of two wrist cuffs and one eye mask, all made of the same bright red floral lace and mesh and fastening with tie-up red ribbons. The colour is gorgeous and the lace is super pretty. I particularly like that there’s tiny flecks of silvery thread in the lace so it catches the light and shimmers when you move.

Lovehoney Tiger Lily red lace cuffs set

Each cuff is elasticated around one opening, and the eye mask is elasticated along the top, meaning they’ll stretch to fit many wearers. The fit is comfortable, though I’ve found that the cuffs do tend to ride up after a while, meaning I need to readjust them periodically. If you’re in a bigger body, I’d hesitate to recommend these cuffs. I’m a size 12 and the elastic digs into my forearm just enough to be… not exactly uncomfortable, but definitely noticeable. The fabric is soft and doesn’t scratch or irritate my skin.

Tiger Lily red lace eye mask bondage blindfold

The Tiger Lily Lace Cuffs and Eye Mask Set is really more about aesthetics than function. The eye mask really doesn’t block the light or obstruct vision very much at all. It’s more “masquerade ball” than “sensory deprivation”. I’d recommend a padded blindfold if you’re after the latter.

And while the cuffs’ ribbons make them ideal for tying together (say to restrain your lover’s hands behind their back, for example), I wouldn’t use them for tying someone to the bed or any other kind of more intense bondage activity. They’re just too delicate and I’d be worried about ripping them. If you want to actually tie someone up or get tied up, consider a set of safe bondage cuffs instead.

The Tiger Lily Lace Cuffs and Eye Mask Set is beautiful, but I’m hesitant to call it functional. And that’s not really a criticism – as a femme, I’m very in favour of beauty for the sake of beauty. So if you want to engage in actual sensory deprivation or bondage play? I’d look elsewhere. They really are very pretty, though…

The set retails for £9.99. It makes a lovely stand-alone Valentine’s gift, and also pairs beautifully with any of the other pieces in the Tiger Lily range. Another option? Wear it with a set of black lingerie to add a touch of fun and colour to your ensemble.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the Tiger Lily Lace Cuffs and Eye Mask Set to review! All views, as always, are mine.

[Lingerie Review] Lovehoney Dark Orchid Plunge Teddy

Last week, I reviewed the robe from Lovehoney’s new Dark Orchid range of Valentine’s Day lingerie. This week, I’m back with a review of another piece from the set: the Dark Orchid Plunge Teddy.

Fun fact, since I asked the internet and now you get to know the answer too: apparently a “teddy” is basically the same as a bodysuit, only “a little bit sexier”. Now you know.

With that said, let’s take a look.

Dark Orchid Teddy: Style and Aesthetics

The Dark Orchid Teddy is a one-piece lingerie item made from the same mix of midnight blue satin (polyester/elastane) and black eyelash lace (polyamide/polyester) as everything in this range. The gusset is made of vagina-friendly 100% cotton. It features a plunging neckline with lace-up detailing, halterneck straps that cross at the back, and a tie-up waistband.

Woman wearing Lovehoney Dark Orchid Plunge Teddy
Image: Lovehoney

I really love the shape of this one. I often find myself drawn to teddy/bodysuit style pieces because I think they just suit my shape really well. They also tend to be a little more forgiving for very big boobs, whereas more structured pieces take one look at my G-cups and go “lol no”. (More on the fit and boob room in a minute!) The high cut makes my admittedly rather short legs look a little longer, and the waistband accentuates one of the parts of my body I’m most comfortable with.

The midnight blue shade is gorgeous, as is the delicate and feminine eyelash lace.

Fit and Comfort

The Dark Orchid Teddy comes in a range of sizes, ranging from UK6 to UK28. Even in just the few years I’ve been working with them, Lovehoney have massively expanded their plus-size lingerie options and I’m really loving seeing more inclusive size options as standard. Because everyone deserves beautiful lingerie!

I received the Medium (UK10/12) and, overall, it fits my size 12 body pretty well. If anything it’s a little on the small side, so maybe size up if you’re between sizes for this one. This is especially important if you have wider hips or a big butt, because you have to ease this one up over your body very carefully to avoid tearing the delicate lace. There’s not much give or stretch in it!

Comfort wise, the satin is lovely and soft and the lace is non-scratchy. I often shy away from lace-heavy pieces because I’m very sensitive to rough or scratchy fabrics, but this one is fine.

The Dark Orchid Teddy is adjustable in a couple of places. You can tie up the waistband as tightly or loosely as you like, and you can also change the length of the straps using the sliders. (Pro tip: do this before you put the teddy on. It’s near goddamn impossible unless you’re a contortionist once it’s on!)

The biggest downside, unfortunately, comes down once again to boob space. I’m not sure if it’s due to the spaghetti straps or the flimsiness of the lace, but this really doesn’t keep them in place very well. It seems fine when I first put it on but, as soon as I move or bend forwards or lie on my side, everything falls out. This means that I find myself adjusting it every few seconds and ultimately not feeling as comfortable and sexy as I’d like.

Verdict

I’m a little mixed on this one. The style and fabrics are gorgeous, and I love the cut and shape. But it’s really not the friendliest for bigger busted folks.

I think, reluctantly, I’m likely to pass this on to one of my smaller-boobed femme friends. It’s gorgeous, it’s just not a great fit for my body.

The Dark Orchid Teddy retails for £34.99.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the Dark Orchid Teddy to review. All opinions are, as always, my own.

The Love Stories That Weren’t

I don’t believe in “The One”. I’m a hopeless romantic, yes, but I’m also something of a realist. The mere fact that there are nearly seven billion people on this planet makes it absurd to me to think that there is exactly one person designed for everyone to love. I mean…

“It’s just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth
I happened to stumble upon the one girl on Earth
Specifically designed for me!”

– Tim Minchin, “If I Didn’t Have You

Aside from the sheer numerical absurdity of the idea, my own experience shows that “The One” just isn’t a meaningful concept. I’ve loved a number of people in my life. Not all of them were healthy for me – some were pretty terrible – but the love I felt? That was real. And it isn’t retroactively less real because I don’t love them any more.

I say that Mr C&K is one of the great loves of my life, and that’s true. One of. What we have doesn’t mean he’s the only person I’ve ever loved or could ever love. It doesn’t mean I think we were somehow predestined to find each other and be together. It means that in this chaotic world, we did find each other and he’s the person I have chosen to spend my life with – to walk hand-in-hand with along the path of life, hopefully until one of us runs out of heartbeats.

Don’t you think the idea of choice, of choosing each other again and again every day, week, month and year, is more romantic that a notion of some pre-determined fate? I do.

I’m also very aware that, for all the people I’ve loved or been in relationship with in my life, there are others which could have happened, and didn’t for whatever reason. So this is for the almosts, the maybes, the “right person, wrong time”s. The love stories that weren’t.

The “what if?”

There was the one who was my first “what if…?” We were seventeen and I was already in a relationship. I didn’t have any kind of language for non-monogamous feelings, so I thought I was bad and wrong because I couldn’t stop thinking about someone while in a relationship with someone else. I don’t think he ever realised his crush on me was reciprocated. We’re friends to this day and he was one of the first people I ever came out to as bisexual.

The fundamental incompatibility

There was the one who was significantly more fundamentally-monogamous than I am. We knew it had no long-term potential, but we were powerfully drawn to each other anyway. He and I danced around each other, kissing and pseudo-dating and doing kinky play and pretending it was all very casual, for the better part of two years. At one point, we were talking on the phone almost every night. He used to call me Kitten. I used to say “I love you” after he’d hung up.

The one night stand

There was the one I got on a train and traveled six hours, on little more than a whim, to meet. This woman who looked like a 1950s pin-up model and kissed me with lips that tasted of green tea. I was recently out of my first same-sex relationship and exercising the age-old wisdom that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. She was curious, and her husband graciously gave her a one-night pass with me. I just wish I’d known the pass was only for one night.

The unresolved sexual tension

Then there was the one with whom the chemistry was so intense and so immediate that I felt the zing from across the room. Though ultimately it amounted to little more than a single very hot scene, it’s a memory I cherish.

The ghost

There was the one who I shared just one incredible date with. I remember looking at him across the table of my favourite Thai restaurant, wishing I could pour the moment into the empty wine bottle, cork it and keep it forever. I never did learn why he ghosted me afterwards. That one hurt for a long time.

…and all the others

I don’t like the concept of “the one who got away”. It has too many weird implications for me – and, again, is too tied into this notion of There Can Be Only One Real Ultimate Love. I prefer to think about it in the sense of how much possibility there is in the world. None of us, even the most polyamorous, could ever possibly explore every single possible love that might theoretically be out there in the world for us.

But isn’t that abundance of possibility just wonderful?

[Lingerie Review] Hot For You Set by Lovehoney

[Update 03/03/22: this product has been discontinued. I have removed dead links and left the post up for reference.]

We all know by now, don’t we, that I am a whimsical romantic? So how could I resist some cutesy Valentine’s-themed lingerie? Hot For You is Lovehoney’s 2020 Valentine’s offering.

Things are heating up…

Hot For You consists of three sets: a bra and knickers set available in standard and plus sizes, and a thong designed for people with penises. They are all black and feature small decorative accents (hearts on the bra sets, flames on the thong) which start off black and turn to red as your body temperature rises. Cute, no?

Plus size model wearing the Hot For You lingerie from Lovehoney. For 2020 Valentine's gift guide

I got sent the Hot For You bra set to try out…

I heart this look

Aesthetically I’m really into this range. It’s playful and just a touch on the silly side without being excessively twee or over-the-top. Black is my preferred colour of choice for lingerie most of the time, and the heart accents are super cute.

Close up of a male body in the Hot For You flame design thong

(Though I wish they’d made the flame design thong for folks with vulvas too – the idea of a colour-changing fire icon over my junk just amuses me on a deep level for some reason.

Does the colour-change function actually work?

Yep!

So my house tends to get Extremely Fucking Cold at this time of year. Therefore, the first time I tried these pieces on, I… erm, blasted a hairdryer at my tits for a few seconds. (The things I do for you guys and journalism, honestly!) The hearts changed colour almost immediately in the warmth.

I later tried them on again when I wasn’t quite so cold, and they did change nicely as my body temperature warmed up.

So, yes, it does what it says on the tin.

Comfort and Fit

Yet again, these pieces are listed as “One Size.” The standard is supposed to fit sizes 8 – 16, and the plus is supposed to fit sizes 18 – 24. The bra and knickers actually are very adjustable; the bands are made of an elasticated satin material and are also length-adjustable. The bra is a halter-neck design, so be aware of that. If you find it difficult to tie things behind you, you might want to get someone to help you.

Though these pieces function as “One Size” better than many I’ve tried, I still have the familiar recurring problem: my boobs don’t really fit. The standard bra and knickers set fits me quite nicely (I’m about a size 14 right now,) but really barely contained my probably-an-F-cup boobs at all. The spilling-out look can be fun if that’s your sort of thing, but I prefer a bit more coverage unless I’m intentionally going for revealing.

The standard Hot For You set is really designed for folks who are more like an A – D cup. It’s frustrating that lingerie designs always assume that bigger body = bigger boobs, which isn’t true at all! Some people wear a size 8 but have F-cup boobs. Some people are plus-size but have small boobs! This is always going to be an issue in “One Size” pieces, which is why I generally wish that making sexy lingerie based on actual measurements (i.e. cup and band sizes) was more of a thing.

(Though, I have to admit, my partners were in favour of the “boobs falling out” look.)

The bra provides next to no actual support, but… I mean, it’s not like I was going jogging in it, and I don’t wear bras most of the time anyway, so *shrug.*

The sizing issue notwithstanding, the Hot For You set gets good marks for comfort. The mesh material is soft and non-scratchy, and the stretchy satin bands feel nice against the skin. There are no wires or boning, so nothing to dig in or pinch.

Final thoughts

A cute and inexpensive Valentine’s day gift – for your lover or yourself! (Fun idea: wear this set to bed and see how long it takes your lover to notice that the hearts or flames are changing colour!)

The Hot For You bra sets both retail for £19.99, and the thong is £14.99.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this piece in exchange for an honest review! Affiliate links are contained within this post. All views are mine. Selfie is by me, other pics are by Lovehoney and used with permission.