Update 23/04/25: the Satisfyer Multifun appears, mercifully for genitals everywhere, to no longer be available. I normally remove content about defunct and obsolete products, but this Satisfyer Multifun review is staying because I think it’s worth showing you all what truly terrible sex toy design looks like.

It’s here, folks. The winner of the not-so-coveted title of “the worst designed sex toy I have ever had the misfortune of putting anywhere near my genitals.”

I hate being snarky about toys. I really do. I always try to find something positive to say. But in this case, I just… I can’t.

Satisfyer Multifun Review: Basic Details

Satisfyer is known for its suction-based toys such as the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation and Satisfyer Pro Penguin, many of which have been good-to-excellent. That’s why I was a little surprised that this offering is such an absolute, irredeemable mess.

The Satisfyer Multifun is a U-shaped toy with two prongs that come almost together at the top. There are two very slight variations between the Multifun 1 and 2: the Multifun 1 is blue and the Multifun 2 is pink, and the ends of the prongs curve in very slightly different ways on each. Again, the difference is tiny. Calling them two different products is, at best, a stretch.

The Multifun contains three motors, one in each of the prongs (which are operated together with a single button) and one in the base (operated separately with a second button). The toy is about 5 inches long in total, 3.5″ being the prongs and 1.5″ the base.

This toy is waterproof and USB rechargeable.

Safe Isn’t Enough

When I ranted to Mr C&K about how terrible the Satisfyer Multifun is, he pointed out that it’s at least a slight improvement on many terrible sex toys in that it is body-safe. And yes, it is. The entire body of the toy is made of silicone, which is the gold standard for body-safe sex toy materials.

But, as I explained to him, at this point I don’t see “body safe” as enough. I see it as a bare fucking minimum. At this point in my career, “this toy is body safe” is up there with “this food didn’t give me food poisoning.” It’s not a glowing recommendation, it’s a basic expectation.

So yes. This toy is body-safe. Can I say anything else positive about it? I’m honestly really struggling.

Satisfyer Multifun Review: Multi-NoFunWhatsoever

On the back of the Multifun box, Satisfyer has helpfully (and I use the word “helpfully” in the loosest possible sense) included diagrams of different ways to use this toy on both a vulva and a penis. Being the dutiful and diligent toy testers that we are, we tried all of them (except the “hang it off your balls” one, because even Mr C&K’s tolerance for doing weird shit to his genitals for the benefit of my readers has its limits.)

All 12 of Satisfyer’s suggestions were… equally terrible? Similarly nonsensical?

Pinching it around my clit was mildly painful for the two seconds it stayed on, and then merely annoying as it kept slipping off. Trying to stick it inside me made absolutely no sense whatsoever as it’s entirely the wrong shape to do anything but poke me annoyingly in the vaginal walls. Trying to get it to hang off my nipple like a nipple clamp was merely hilarious (and, needless to say, a complete failure).

Hanging it around Mr C&K’s penis in various configurations produced no greater reaction than “well… that’s kind of in the way.”

Even using it as a straightforward clitoral vibrator didn’t work, because the vibrations were so weak and buzzy that I literally Did Not Feel A Fucking Thing.

Texting a fellow sex blogger friend about this (mis)adventure, I described the Multifun’s vibrations as “akin to a bee buzzing away on my clit. Not even a hive of bees. Just one.”

A Non-Exhaustive List of Other Things I Hate About This Toy

• The sound. Good God, the sound. This thing doesn’t just buzz, it whines.
• The buttons. They’re small, fiddly, and hard to press.
• The ridiculously gendered marketing. The Satisfyer Multifun proudly proclaims to be “for men, women and couples” (ah yes, the three genders?) There are so many better ways to market that your product is suitable for different types of bodies. The diagrams of possible ways to use it with different genital configurations is more than enough (or would be, if any of them made an iota of sense.) And literally anything can be a toy for couples if you use it with a partner. As if this wasn’t bad enough, it comes in exactly two colours: baby blue (Multifun 1) and pastel pink (Multifun 2.) You know, conveniently colour-coded in case you don’t know which one is for you.

Satisfyer Multifun Review: Not Satisfying, Zero Fun, Thanks I Hate It

I hate this toy. I hate it with a burning passion that surprises me. I have never hated a sex toy this much. No, not even the stupid vibrating jelly cockrings like the ones you get out of pub toilet vending machines (is that still a thing or am I showing my age there?) At least we knew those were going to be terrible, and at least they didn’t have a nearly $50 price tag).

I implore you, do not buy this toy. Your genitals deserve better. For powerful clitoral stimulation, get the We-Vibe Tango X. For a decent vibrating cock ring, get the Hot Octopuss Atom. For a great toy to wear during penetrative sex, get the We-Vibe Sync or Chorus. And for your nipples, even a fucking vibrating bra is a better pick than this nonsense.

Satisfyer: what the fuck is this? Please do better. And for the love of God, please test your products on actual human genitals before you mass produce them.

Thank you to Satisfyer for sending me this product to review. Affiliate links appear within this post.