You absolutely don’t have to like pain to do BDSM. There are plenty of kinky things you can do that don’t involve pain play at all! From gentle dominance to sensual play and praise kinks, there are all kinds of ways to get kinky without needing to give or receive pain. With that said, lots of people do enjoy a little (or a lot of) ouch with their kink. So why do people like pain?
Sexual masochism involves deriving arousal or gratification from pain. Though it’s still quite stigmatised, masochism is not inherently wrong, disordered, or unhealthy. As long as you are engaging with your masochistic desires in a risk-aware and consensual way with other adults in an appropriate setting, there’s nothing wrong with it whatsoever.
By the way: masochists aren’t aroused by all pain in all circumstances. I might enjoy a partner paddling my ass, but I hate stubbing my toe or walking into things as much as anyone (which is annoying, because I’m clumsy.)
Why Do People Like Pain?
I can’t give you a comprehensive answer to this question, because sexual masochists are all unique people who enjoy pain in different ways and for different reasons. With that said, here are a few of the main reasons I’ve encountered.
They Enjoy a Challenge
Some people enjoy light pain play, staying well inside their comfortable tolerance level. Others prefer to push their boundaries. For these players, the challenge can sometimes be the point. It can give them an endorphin rush and a sense of accomplishment.
Some say that an intense pain play scene is a bit like pushing yourself through the last half-mile of a particularly intense run, only a lot more fun. (I fucking hate running. Kink over marathons any day, thanks!)
Taking Pain as An Act of Service
Ultimately, partners should only ever inflict pain on us because we want them to. (Otherwise it would be abuse!) However, in the context of carefully negotiated scenes and clearly defined limits, taking pain “for” someone else as an act of submission or service can be highly erotic and satisfying for some kinksters.
Pain Can Alter Your Headspace
Some people like pain not just for how it feels physically, but for what it can do to them mentally. Physical sensations can help us get into a particular mental zone or headspace. Many submissives find that pain inflicted by dominant partner can help to alter their mental state or even put them into subspace.
For me, one of the most interesting questions while negotiating a kink scene is “how do you want to feel?” Perhaps you want to feel cherished, challenged, scared, safe, taken, useful, or something else entirely. Pain, depending on how you use it, can help you to get into any of these headspaces and many more.
It Gets Them Out of Your Head
One of the reasons I like sex in general, and kink more specifically, is because it pulls me out of my head. As a writer and an overthinker with ADHD, I live in my head and it’s loud in here. In the right context, the physical sensation of consensually-inflicted pain can help to turn down the volume and ground me in my body instead of my brain for a while.
Pain Can Get You High (Kind Of)
Sometimes the reason why people like pain is physiological. Pain causes the central nervous system to release endorphins. These powerful hormones are the body’s feel-good chemicals which are also released in response to all kinds of pleasurable experiences, from eating delicious food to having an orgasm. Endorphins can produce a profoundly euphoric effect, which some liken to a natural high.
Endorphins also act as pain relievers, by the way, which might account for why some masochists’ pain tolerance goes up as a scene progresses.
Why Do People Like Pain? Sometimes They Just Do
Sometimes kinks just are what they are. There isn’t always a strong reason why a person enjoys a particular sensation or type of play, and that’s okay. If you like pain, you might know why or you might have no idea. Either way is fine!
Pain on Purpose Beyond the Bedroom
This post is primarily about sexual masochism. However, the bedroom isn’t the only place that people engage intentionally with things that hurt. If you’d like to learn more about why people like to do things that cause pain, from ballet to eating hot chilli peppers to running ultramarathons, I highly recommend the book Hurts So Good: The Science and Culture of Pain on Purpose by Leigh Cowart.
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