sexual health Archives

How to Write a Killer Swinger Dating Profile

Published on January 21, 2020November 28, 2025 by Amy

Swinging refers, broadly speaking, to an arrangement where couples have casual sex with other couples or individuals outside of their relationship. It is a form of consensual non-monogamy, but differs from polyamory in that it doesn’t generally involve romantic connections. Whether you’re just starting out in swinging or have been checking out local clubs and swinger dating sites, creating a great profile is the first step to meeting fellow swingers online. I’ve partnered with SwingTowns to bring you these swinger dating tips for a great profile.

For the purposes of this post I will assume you’re looking for play partners as a couple. However, most of the advice works just as well for solo swingers.

The Most Important Swinger Dating Profile Tip: Be Honest

I can’t overstate the importance of honesty. You might think it’s no big deal to say you’re 37 when you’re actually 50, but lying simply shows prospective partners that you can’t be trusted. If someone lies about one thing, I wonder what else they’re lying about, from STI testing to whether or not their spouse at home is actually okay with them dating.

So don’t say you have loads of experience when you’re actually brand new to the lifestyle. Don’t lie about your age. And please (yes, I’ve really seen this) don’t pretend to be a couple if you’re actually a single person.

Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be self-deprecating. If you’re struggling to describe yourself in positive terms, ask your partner if you can writing descriptions of each other to go on your shared swinger profile.

Brand new and not sure where to start? Try something like this: “We’re just dipping a toe in right now, so please be gentle with us! We’re in our 40s and would love to meet a sexy couple of a similar age for fun, laughs, and maybe a trip to a swingers’ club.”

Write Coherently and in Full Sentences

No-one is expecting your swinger dating profile to be a literary masterpiece, but making an effort is important. Write in complete sentences, avodi text-speak, and check your profile for typos and spelling errors before you hit “submit.” Break up your sentences with punctuation and use short paragraphs to make your profile easier to read.

Pro tip: if you’re not skilled with words, ask a trusted friend to give your swinging profile a once-over.

Don’t Use Your Genitals as Your Swinger Dating Profile Picture

Swinger sites are about the only place in the online dating world where I’m going to tell you that posting pictures of your genitals is probably okay, if that’s your jam. But don’t use them as your main profile picture, please! Put them in your gallery and limit the number.

Your main profile picture could be your faces if that feels safe and comfortable for you, a clothed body shot, a tasteful nude, or a picture of something that reflects your personalities.

Say What You Can Offer, Not Just What You Want

Nothing is a greater turn-off than a dating profile from people who are clearly only thinking about what they want others to do for them. State what you’re looking for, but remember to show what you can offer too.

Sex, whether casual or committed, should be a mutual exchange for the enjoyment and benefit of everyone involved. This means viewing your partners and potential partners as full human beings, not fantasy-fulfillment machines. Yes, even in the context of swinging.

Posting a super lengthy, tightly scripted scene idea to your swinger profile is likely to scare a lot of people off. So is posting an absurdly specific description of your imaginary “third.” Instead, talk more broadly about the kinds of people you’re looking to meet and give plenty of information on what you can offer.

Try this: “We’re ideally looking to meet other couples at a similar life stage to us. With us you’ll find an educated, friendly, and kinky pair who are just as happy enjoying good wine and excellent conversation as getting down to some fun in the bedroom.”

Keep the Judgemental Comments to Yourself

You’re allowed to like what you like and be attraxted to what you’re attracted to. But shaming others for not conforming to your tastes makes you an asshole.

I’m fully aware that some people won’t be into me because I’m curvy and have body hair. I am at peace with that. Even so, it’s upsetting every time I see my body type described as “disgusting”, and this happens more than you might think. Similarly, you might not be into any kind of kink or BDSM. That’s absolutely fine, but describing other people’s consensual kinks as “freaky shit” is rude.

If someone isn’t for you, moving on to the next profile or replying to their approach with a polite “thanks, but not for us” is all that is required.

Being Responsible is Sexy: Talking About Sexual Health on Your Swinger Profile

When I’m browsing dating profiles, those who mention their sexual health testing regime or use of barriers go straight to the top of the list. Being responsible with your and your partners’ health is not only hot but incredibly necessary in any kind of non-monogamy.

Please don’t use the term “clean” to describe yourselves as being free from STIs. This language is stigmatising. STIs are not dirty, they’re just infections humans sometimes contract in the course of doing normal human things like having sex.

Try this: “we test every three months and last tested negative for everything on [date.] We use barriers for… [insert your protocols here.]”

If you do have a chronic or incurable STI, such as herpes or HIV, it’s important to be upfront about this, too. Don’t be apologetic; there’s nothing wrong with living with one of these conditions! Briefly mention it as a fact of your life and state how you manage it. Some people will be put off, but the rght people for you won’t be. I’d personally much rather have sex with someone who is HSV or even HIV-positive, knows their status, and can take the appropriate precautions than someone who hasn’t tested in a decade and insists they somehow “just know” they’re negative.

Offer Something of Yourselves Beyond the Sexual

However proud you are of your 8″ penis, world-class blow jobs, or penchant for eating pussy for hours, sex isn’t everything even in the world of swinging. Most swingers want to meet human beings they can connect with (even if the connection is brief), not walking sex machines.

So use some of your profile to talk about the things you’re into or the things that matter to you outside of sex. You don’t have to get extremely deep and personal.

Try phrases like these: “we love fine dining and would love someone to show us the best restaurants in town,” “our hobbies include board games, 80s B-movies, and salsa dancing,” or “he’s a gym-bunny and loves to run, she’s more likely to be found with her nose in a book!”

The crux of this tip is to let your sparkling personalities shine through on your swinging profile and show that you can bring more to the table than just sexual prowess.

These swinging dating profile tips were sponsored by Swingtowns, the world’s largest non-monogamous dating site. Join up now and create your swinger profile – it’s free! All opinions and writing are, as always, my own.

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How Do I Clean My Silicone Sex Toys?

Published on April 3, 2019October 31, 2025 by Amy6 Comments

One of the most common questions people ask about silicone sex toys is how to clean them. Cleaning your silicone sex toys isn’t complicated, it just requires a little knowledge.

The risk of STI transmission through sex toys is lower than for other types of sex. However, it still exists and you should take precautions accordingly. Dirty toys can also cause thrush, yeast infections, and similar complaints.

For the purposes of safer sex, I always recommend using a barrier if you’re going to share a toy with a non fluid-bonded partner[1] and that toy cannot be boil sterilised or properly washed. My personal policy is barriers on shared vaginal toys unless I am fluid bonded with that partner, and condoms on shared anal toys ALWAYS. It’s a bit less risky for penis toys because the outer skin of the penis isn’t technically a mucus membrane.

A Reader Writes…

Hi Amy,

I know that you should sterilise sex toys after use, and you can do this to silicone dildos and butt plugs (for example) by boiling them in hot water. I’ve bought a pan for dildo sterilising, but do I just… heat them up like I’m boiling potatoes? How do you boil sex toys to sterilise them, plus do you have any tips for storage to keep your toys clean between uses?

How to Clean Silicone Sex Toys Without Motors

First thing’s first: you don’t need toy cleaner. It is a waste of money.

The short answer to our lovely reader’s question is yes. For 100% silicone toys without motors, such as dildos and butt plugs, just pop them in a pan of boiling water on the stove. Bring the water to a rolling boil and keep it bubbling away for 10 minutes or so. Once you’re done, dump the water out, dry your toys thoroughly, and put them away.

By the way: you can do this with non-motorised stainless steel and borosilicate glass toys.

Cleaning Vibrators and Other Motorised Silicone Toys

The boiling method is ideal for toys without motors. But what about cleaning vibrators and other motorised silicone sex toys?

First, check the instructions (and then ignore all the ones that tell you to buy toy cleaner.) If your toy is waterproof, wash it thoroughly with warm water and antibacterial soap. Remember to rinse and dry it thoroughly when you’re done.

For non-waterproof toys, I recommend wiping the surface with a body-safe sterile wipe. I buy them in bulk from a medical supplies store and a single pack lasts for months. Afterwards, wipe it off thoroughly with a clean cloth dunked in warm water.

You can also follow these methods for cleaning waterproof ABS (hard) plastic toys, which also cannot be boiled regardless of whether they have a motor or not.

Remember, if your toy has any tricky grooves or ridges or nozzles, bacteria can gather in them. Take extra care to clean these areas really thoroughly.

Keeping Toys Clean Between Uses

Once you’ve finished cleaning your silicone sex toys, how do you keep them clean between uses?

To be honest, I store my silicone toy by just throwing them all in a box or drawer when they’re clean. That thing about silicone toys melting together in storage? It’s 100% not true. Silicone doesn’t work that way! The myth is a holdover from the time when “silicone” sex toys weren’t actually 100% silicone. If you don’t believe me, check out Dangerous Lilly’s experiment to prove this myth false.

If you use this storage method, I recommend giving your toy a quick wipe down before you use it again. This will get rid of any dust or lint that may have settled on it.

Alternatively, you can also keep your toys in individual bags or pouches to keep them clean between uses. I have some of Lovehoney’s drawstring sex toy bags but you can also buy similar bags from a craft store or online. Many toys also come with their own storage bags, so make use of these if you have them.

Hope this helps!

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What Happens When You Go for an STI Test in the UK

Published on February 26, 2019October 31, 2025 by Amy

Heads-up: this post specifically discusses the STI testing process at a sexual health clinic in the UK based on my experience. Increasingly, different NHS authorities do things slightly differently, so this won’t necessarily be entirely representative. The process may also differ significantly in other countries. Despite its inherent limitations, I hope the information is still useful. Needless to say, none of this is a substitute for qualified medical advice.

This week I went to my local sexual health clinic for my quarterly screening, otherwise known as an STI (sexually transmitted infection) test. This is a routine part of my life as a non-monogamous person and something I barely think about other than remembering to schedule it. However, this wasn’t always the case. The first time I went, shortly after opening my previously-monogamous relationship at the age of 18, I was nervous because I didn’t know what to expect.

Let’s answer some common questions about the process of visiting a sexual health clinic in the UK.

How Often Should I Get Tested for STIs?

It depends on your risk profile.

People who have more partners and people who have unprotected sex (including oral sex) should test more regularly. Experts recommend everyone gets tested at least once per year. Yes, committed monogamists, that includes you! Monogamous people can contract STIs if someone cheats, but also through unknown pre-existing infections (some STIs can lie dormant for months or years), treatment failure for a past infection, and incomplete or false-negative screenings. Getting tested doesn’t imply that you don’t trust your partner, or that you are not to be trusted.

If you have a single, long-term partner and/or always use barriers for every type of sex, an annual test is likely enough. If you have a lot of partners, practice unprotected sex, or do sex work, you’ll need to test much more regularly. As a polyamorous person, I personally test every three months.

Whatever your relationship style, testing before every new partner is advisible. And, of course, you should get a test if you believe you may have been exposed to an STI or a sexual partner discloses an infection. Remember to observe the testing windows after a possible infection for the most accurate results.

Where Do I Go for STI Testing in the UK?

You have two main options for STI testing in the UK: home testing or visiting a sexual health clinic. This post focuses on clinic-based testing, but do-it-yourself tests are a convenient option if you don’t have a local clinic, can’t get there, or simply prefer to test in the privact of your own home.

Some sexual health clinics offer walk-in times during which you can simply turn up and wait to be seen. These clinics tend to be very busy. Get there early, bring a book, and expect to be waiting for a while.

Some clinics also have appointments slots which you can book online or on the phone the same as any other medical appointment. Again, these services are very busy and in high demand, so you may need to schedule your test well in advance. If you have symptoms, believe you may have been exposed, or a sexual partner has been diagnosed with an STI, tell the clinic and you may be seen sooner.

Do I Have to Pay for STI Testing?

Nope! In the UK, all sexual health services including testing and contraception are available free of charge on the NHS. Free home testing kits are also available in most areas through various

I’m Under 16, Will the Clinic Tell My Parents?

No.

In the UK, as long as you’re over 13, you’re entitled to the same medical confidentiality as anyone and this includes when you visit a sexual health clinic. If your provider feels that there is a serious risk to your safety, such as suspecting that you might be experiencing sexual abuse, they may need to tell someone in order to keep you safe. However, according to NHS guidelines, “the risk would need to be serious and this would usually be discussed with you first.”

If you’re under 18, please stop reading my blog and check out Scarleteen or Bish for accurate information about sex, sexual health, relationships and your body.

Will I Have to Answer Questions About My Sex Life?

Your provider will ask you questions about your sexual practices. You don’t have to answer any questions or disclose anything you don’t want to, but it’s important to be as honest and thorough as possible. This is the best way to make sure you get the tests, advice, and other care you need.

Questions may differ slightly at each clinic, but here are some I’ve been asked or have heard about others being asked at STI testing clinics in the UK:

When was your most recent sexual encounter?
What is the sex of that partner? (They may assume the opposite binary sex unless you tell them otherwise. It’s bad practice but heteronormativity is strong.)
Is that partner your regular/only partner?
Do you use condoms or other barriers when you have sex?
Have you ever injected drugs or knowingly had sex with someone who injects drugs?
Do you have reason to believe you might have come into contact with HIV?
Have you been raped or sexually assaulted? (If you indicate yes, they’ll ask if you need any support or resources.)
Have you ever paid for, or been paid for, sex?
Have you had sex with someone born outside of the UK?
When was your last sexual health screening?
Are you pregnant or do you think you might be pregnant?

How is an STI Test Performed?

If you have a vulva, a swab will be taken from inside your vagina and you’ll need to provide a urine sample. If you have a penis, you’ll need to provide a urine sample. Some clinics also do swabs from just inside the urethra. If you have anal sex, you’ll need to do a rectal swab, and if you have oral sex you’ll need to do a throat swab.

Unfortunately, anal and oral swabs are not always offered as a matter of course. You may need to prompt your provider for these or advocate for yourself to get them. I strongly advise you do so, as infections can grow in these areas of the body without being present in the genitals.

Most STI testing clinics in the UK allow you to take the swabs yourself in private by going into the bathroom or stepping behind a curtain in the consulting room. If you don’t feel confident or comfortable doing this, your provider may be able to do it for you.

They’ll also take a blood sample to check for blood-borne STIs such as HIV, Syphilis and Hepatitis.

There’s usually no need for a physical examination unless you have symptoms or specific concerns.

Does STI Testing Hurt?

Not really. The swabs aren’t exactly comfortable but they also shouldn’t be painful. Some people with penises find urethral swabs (if performed) slightly painful, but most say it is manageable and over quickly.

Most people don’t find blood tests painful beyond a quick, sharp scratch, but some people can have a more intense physical reaction to them than others. Tell your provider if you’re needle-phobic or tend to feel sick or lightheaded when you get blood drawn.

Will the Staff Judge Me?

No.

Your provider’s job is to help ensure your health and safety, not to judge you. People don’t generally go into sexual medicine if they are going to judge others for being sexual.

At the time of updating this post, I’ve been getting STI tests regularly for over 16 years and have very rarely encountered anythng I could even remotely describe as judgemental. Even on the incredibly rare occasions I felt judged, it was more of the “excessive misplaced concern due to ignorance” variety than the moral variety.

How and When Will I Get My Results?

This varies between clinics and your provider will tell you what to expect.

Increasingly, many UK STI testing clinics operate a “no news is good news” policy, meaning that if you don’t hear from them within a set period of time then you can assume everything is fine. They may give you a card with a phone number or online portal to check your results if you want to be sure.

I always recommend you do check, as it is possible (but rare) for a clinic to lose your samples. This happened to one of my partners once.

Some clinics may text or email you (usually something simple like “your tests are all negative”) or, less commonly, ring you to let you know you’re in the clear.

What If I Test Positive?

If you test positive for an STI, a typical UK sexual health testing clinic will phone you to let you know and advise you on your treatment options.

For many of the most common STIs, such as gonorrhea and chlamydia, treatment is a simple course of medication. Some STIs cannot be cured, but can be managed. If you have HIV, for example, you’ll need to take medication for the rest of your life, but that life can still be completely normal and fulfilling.

STIs are not a source of shame. They’re not a death sentence and they don’t signal the end of your sex life. Contracting an STI is no more shameful than contracting the common cold, a sickness bug, or the flu. They’re things that humans sometimes contract in the course of doing normal human activities like having sex. If you do have an infection, it’s much better to know about it so that you can get the most effective treatment quickly.

Bear in mind that HSV (herpes) and HPV (human papillomavirus) are extremely common—a majority of adults carry one or both and may never even know it—and are not picked up on most standard screenings unless you have symptoms such as warts. HPV can also be picked up on cervical screenings, so make sure you’re attending these if you have a cervix.

What Other Services Can I Get at an STI Clinic?

Sexual health clinics in the UK offer a range of services along with STI testing and treatment. Each clinic is slightly different but the services commonly available can include:

Contraception including long-acting reversible contraceptives (such as IUDs and implants), advice and referrals for vasectomies and sterilisation, and emergency contraception.
Free sexual health supplies such as condoms, dams, and lube.
Pregnancy testing.
Advice, guidance and support if you’re seeking an abortion.
Pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) and post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) to help prevent HIV.
Ongoing care, support and monitoring for people who have HIV.
Vaccinations to protect against various sexually transmitted infections such as HPV and hepatitis.
Cervical smears.
Support with sexual difficulties such as erectile issues, vaginismus, and pain during sex.
Referrals for specialist services such as psychosexual therapy.
Help, support and guidance after sexual assault.
General advice on reducing your risk profile and having safer sex.

When did you last go for an STI test? If it’s been a while, go and book your next test now.

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Five Meaningful Things To Do for World AIDS Day

Published on December 1, 2018October 30, 2025 by Amy

Since 1988, December 1st has been designated as World AIDS Day. As a queer person, the issue of HIV and AIDS is close to my heart. I wanted to talk about it today and share some meaningful World AIDS Day activities you can do to make a difference.

Why We Still Need to Care About HIV and AIDS

The AIDS epidemic reached its height in the 1980s and early 1990s. However, AIDS has not gone away and remains a significant global health issue.

AIDS has claimed over 44 million lives since the epidemic began. Amazing advances in treatment mean that HIV (the virus that, if untreated, leads to AIDS) is no longer an automatic death sentence. However, the disease still kills over 600,000 people every year. The majority of these deaths happen in the global south and particularly sub-Saharan Africa.

Other groups disproportionately impacted by HIV and AIDS include gay and bisexual+ men, sex workers, people who inject drugs, transgender people, and incarcerated people. Globally, women and girls account for around 45% of new infections.

Check out this fact sheet to learn more about the ongoing scale of the HIV/AIDS epidemic.

What is World AIDS Day?

World AIDS Day was the first-ever global health day. It exists to unite people in the ongoing fight against HIV/AIDS, support people living with the virus, dismantle the stigma, and commemorate those who have lost their lives to the virus.

HIV/AIDS is one of the most destructive pandemics in human history. It’s easy to feel helpless in the face of something this huge. But there is hope, too. UNAIDS is currently working on an incredibly ambitious strategy that aims to reduce both new HIV infections and AIDS-related deaths by 90% from 2010 figures by 2030. Amongst other goals, they also aim to have 95% of HIV-positive people know their status, 95% of those who know their status receiving antiviral treatment, and 95% of those on treatment to have an suppressed viral load.

All of this is possible and achievable. World AIDS Day encourages all of us to get involved, in whatever way we can, in the fight to end HIV/AIDS.

5 World AIDS Day Activities to Get Involved and Make a Difference

1. Donate or Get Involved in Fundraising Activities

If you have some money to spare, even a few pounds or dollars can make a big difference to the various organisations doing amazing work in the areas of HIV and AIDs.

Donate to a charity that’s doing important work in the areas of HIV and AIDS. The National AIDS Trust is working to end HIV by 2030 while championing the rights of people living with HIV/AIDS. The Terrence Higgins Trust is another great charity that campaigns, runs HIV testing centres, and provides services connected to HIV and sexual health.

You can also get involved in fundraising activities for World AIDS Day causes. Take on a sponsored challenge, sponsor someone else, or put a collection box in your workplace.

2. Get a Test, Know Your Status, and Learn About PrEP

When was your last sexual health screening? If you haven’t been tested recently, go and book one (or order a home testing kit) now. Everyone who is sexually active should be getting tested at least once per year, and more often if you have multiple partners or have unprotected sex.

The best way to protect yourself and your partner(s) from HIV is to know your status and practice safer sex.

While you’re getting tested, you could also ask your doctor if pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) is right for you. PrEP is a preventative medication taken by HIV-negative people that reduces your risk of contracting the virus should you be exposed to it. According to the Terrence Higgins Trust, most people who use PrEP take it every day. A minority of users prefer to take it only immediately before and after having sex.

Sadly, HIV and AIDS are still heavily stigmatised. This stigma can have a major impact on the quality of life of those living with HIV, even if it is well-controlled. World AIDS Day is not only about ending the HIV/AIDS pandemic. It is also about protecting the rights and dignity of those already affected. One of the simplest but most impactful World AIDS Day activities you can do? Simply get informed, learn the facts, and share accurate information.

Next time you hear someone speak negatively about people with HIV/AIDS, don’t laugh along or let it slide. Instead, speak up.

People living with HIV are not dirty. They are not stupid. Having HIV is not a personal or moral failing. HIV cannot be transmitted through kissing, skin-to-skin contact, sharing food or drinks, water fountains, toilet seats, mosquitoes, saliva, sweat, or modern blood transfusions. It can only be transmitted through infected blood, sexual fluids, or breast milk. Read and share this handy guide.

4. Stock Up on Sexual Health Supplies

Unprotected sex with an infected person is one of the main ways HIV can be transmitted. Every person who practices safer sex is contributing to ending HIV, both directly (by protecting themselves and their sexual partners) and indirectly (by normalising safer sex.)

Take a moment to check your supplies of condoms, dams, and gloves. If you’re running low on anything, stock up. If you can’t afford to buy supplies, ask your doctor or sexual health provider where you can access them for free. This is also a great time to make sure any you have are still in date.

If you’re LGBTQ+, many queer spaces such as bars, community centres, and sexuality-focused events give out safer sex supplies as freebies.

5. Wear Your Red World AIDS Day Ribbon

The red ribbon is the internationally-recognised symbol of HIV/AIDS awareness and advocacy. You can buy one from the National AIDS Trust, request them for free if you’re planning to do any World AIDS Day fundraising activities, or pick one up from the many stores and public spaces that are selling them at this time of year.

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Threesome Tips: How to Be a Good Couple to Have a Threesome With

Published on January 5, 2018May 7, 2025 by Amy4 Comments

Threesomes are amongst the most common sexual fantasies, but threesome tips often focus on how to find a third person to play with as an established couple. I wanted to take things in a slightly different direction with this threesome guide and instead focus on how, once you’ve found that person, you can be a good couple to have a threesome with.

In other words, how can you give them a great experience, treat your special guest star well, and end the night with everyone feeling good?

The Absolute Most Important Threesome Tip Of All: No Pressure

Pressure is the ultimate desire- and pleasure-killer. It’s a really bad idea to go into a threesome (or indeed any sexual experience) with an overly rigid idea of how you want it to go. This puts undue pressure on everyone. It’s especially unfair on an incoming third party, who may well be at a power disadvantage when playing with an established couple.

Don’t rush things. Don’t invite a potential playmate over with the goal that you must have a threesome and that anything else is a failure. Spend time getting to know the person, learn about what they’re into, ask what they’re hoping to get out of the experience, and talk about what kind of ongoing dynamic you all want to have, if any.

If things do progress to a sexy place, don’t make it a rush to tick off sex acts like you’re trying to round all the “bases” as quickly as possible. Making out, touching, groping, massage, hand sex, oral sex, and kinky play can all be amazing in and of themselves. Don’t rush to penetrative sex, or even assume that penetrative sex is on the table at all.

Before You Have a Threesome, Get Your House In Order

No, I don’t mean your physical house, though tidying up before you have a date over is a nice and courteous thing to do. I’m talking about the house of your relationship.

What’s the only thing more awkward than being in the middle of a couple having a fight? Being in bed with a couple having a fight. It is tremendously unfair to bring another person into your dynamic, even casually, if your relationship is on rocky ground. My top threesome tip to couples having problems? Don’t do it. Wait until things have stabilised.

Before you take your threesome plans to reality, discuss your feelings in depth with your partner. Talk about any insecurities or jealousies that might come up, and plan for how you’ll handle it if they do. Your plan should focus on kindness and compassion towards everyone, including the third person. “Well we can just kick her out if one of us gets jealous” is neither a solid plan nor an ethical way to treat a human being.

“Relationship broken, add more people” is a cliche because so many couples try to do it… and it never, ever ends well.

Good Threesome Sex Tip: Approach It As a Collaboration, Not a Service

Too many threesome guides focus exclusively on the couple and seem to forget that there are three humans involved, not two humans and a toy. Good sex is a collaboration, a dance between equals. Everyone should be free to both give and receive pleasure The goal should always be mutual enjoyment satisfaction for all parties, not just the established couple.

Your threesome buddy may not be a fully fledged member of your ongoing relationship, but they are a fully fledged member of whatever dynamic the three of you are creating together. Even if the sex is casual, they are not a life-size sex doll! They’re a person with their own wants, needs, desires and feelings, and those deserve to be honoured.

Check in with everyone involved early and often, and make enthusiastic and ongoing consent your minimum standard. If you’re not absolutely 1000% sure you have consent for something, always ask. “Ruining the mood” is a myth. A good time will never be ruined by checking on consent, but it can easily be ruined by overstepping someone’s boundaries.

I hope it goes without saying that no means no, and you should never push someone to do something if they don’t want to.

Safer Sex Tips for Threesomes

Safer sex is essential, and you should never go into a threesome (or any sexual encounter) without thinking about and discussing it.

Ideally, this discussion should happen while clothes are still on, long before any sex happens, but it can happen in the moment if necessary (for example, if your threesome evolves spontaneously.)

Everyone should disclose their testing status, their safer-sex protocols, the method(s) of birth control they’re using if relevant, and any other relevant information such as allergies.

Safer sex is at least as much your responsibility as a couple as it is the third party’s responsibility! Everyone is responsible for looking out for their own and their intimate partners’ sexual health.

By the way: if you’re using toys in your threesome, read my guide to sex toys, STIs, and sharing toys safely.

What Do You Need? Have It On Hand

Ensure that your stash of condoms, lube, gloves, dams and any other relevant safer sex supplies is well-stocked and easily reachable. If you might want to use toys, make sure they’re close by (and charged, if applicable!)

Water, snacks, blankets, extra pillows, and towels are also useful things to have on hand.

Make An Aftercare Plan

Most threesome tips forget this part: what happens afterwards?

Will your threesome buddy stay over, or would they prefer to go home afterwards? How will they get home safely? If they do stay, would they prefer to sleep with you both or in a separate bed? What do they like to eat and drink in the morning? If they’re going home, would they like you to check in the following day?

Make sure there’s time to cuddle, debrief if necessary, and make sure everyone is okay and has everything they need after sex. Offer, and ask for, reassurance and affection freely as needed.

And that’s it! I can’t guarantee you’ll have an amazing threesome if you follow the tips in this guide, but you’ll be safe in the knowledge that you’re treating your very special guest star with the respect, compassion and consideration they deserve.

If you enjoyed this post, you can buy me a coffee to say thanks.