Tag: aftercare

Header image for a post on home dungeon design: a bondage bed with black leather handcuffs on chains and a St Andrews cross on the wall behind

Bondage Bed, Suspension Points, and More: 8 Things I’d Want in My Dream Home Dungeon

Published on by Amy

Did you see that Netflix series How to Build a Sex Room? Like millions of other kinksters, I watched it and it got me thinking about what my own “sex room” might look like. In a world where I had a much bigger house than I do and an unlimited interior design budget, one of the first things I’d do would be to construct a badass playroom or home dungeon. And of course, from a bondage bed and spanking bench to suspension points and toy storage solutions, I’ve put a lot of thought into this concept and what I’d want to include.

It goes without saying that you don’t need tonnes of amazing kit to do BDSM. Your first and best tool in constructing scenes is your imagination. But one of the reasons I enjoy going to clubs and public play spaces is to use the kit I don’t have access to at home. I suspect the same is true for a lot of kinksters who play at clubs, dungeons and parties.

So just for fun, let’s do a little kink-meets-interior-design. If I could build my dream home dungeon, what would I put in it?

Suspension Points

Suspension points are absolutely essential if you want to do any kind of shibari or bondage that includes someone coming off the ground. You can get portable suspension frames (I actually have one in bits in my spare room right now!) but properly ceiling-mounted hard points are safer, more space-efficient, and less effort to set up.

Suspension points (AKA hard points) aren’t just for rope, either. You can also use them for other things, such as mounting a sex swing.

Speaking of which…

A Sex Swing

Sex swings are so versatile. They allow you to get into all kinds of positions safely and comfortably that would not otherwise be possible. They’re great for trying out different positions for penetrative sex (either with a bio-cock or a strap-on) but you can also use them for oral sex, kink scenarios, and more.

I actually own a door-mounted sex swing, but it has never come out of its packaging for the simple reason that I do not trust the structural integrity of my very old house’s doors that much. It feels like a recipe for injury. So a proper sex swing that I could mount on safe, load-rated hard points would be amazing.

A Bondage Bed

The awesome thing about bondage beds is they’re not just one thing. Despite the name, a bondage bed can also be a table or flat surface, a restraint rack, an alternative to a St Andrews cross for standing impact play, and much more. You can even use it in conjunction with other items of dungeon furniture to create just about anything your kinky heart desires. For example, why not add a toy mount or a wand harness, which can hold a toy in place against the bottom’s body while keeping the top’s hands free to do other things?

The possibilities are limited only by your imagination, your and your partner’s boundaries, and the laws of physics. A good bondage bed will also be able to accommodate all body types, no matter your size or weight.

I’d love a customisable bondage bed for my home dungeon. I think I’d really enjoy getting cuffed to it for a flogging, or using it with the toy mount for edging and denial scenes. Given the size, it would also be ideal for group scenes. I think it would be super fun to cuff two submissives to it in a face to face position, making them each watch what’s happening to the other one. Exhibitionism, voyeurism, anticipation, and a little light fear play all in one… fun, no?

A Spanking Bench

The humble spanking bench always seems to be one of the most-used bits of kit whenever I go to a dungeon or play party. A spanking bench allows the bottom to hold a bent-over position for impact play more easily. It can help the bottom to stay comfortable and prevent them moving around too much, give the top a clear spot to aim for, and enhance feelings of vulnerability and humiliation if you’re into that.

My ideal spanking bench would be one of those lovely wooden, leather-padded ones that comes with built-in restraints for the wrists, ankles, and upper body.

A Bondage Wheel

One of my favourite local dungeons has one of these, and I absolutely love it. It’s a padded, wall-mounted wheel with restraints to strap a person to in an upright position. You can then tilt it in any direction, or even spin it all the way around.

Bondage wheels are fun for all kinds of reasons. You can immobilise your partner and move them around at will to try out different activities or reach different parts of their body. If disorientation is something you like to play with, combining a bondage wheel with sensory deprivation play can create a very intense experience.

They’re also a fun way to experiment with inversion (being upside down) in a way that you can get out of in seconds if you need to.

Wall-Mounted Toy Storage

When designing the perfect kinky play space, practicality is at least as important as aesthetics. To that end, I’d make use of wall-mounted toy storage solutions.

I have to credit sex and mental health writer JoEllen Notte for the genius idea of using a wall-mounted wine rack to store wand vibrators. I’d love to display my wands this way in my hypothetical home dungeon! (JoEllen is also the person who gave me the idea of repurposing door-hanging shoe holders with multiple pockets, which I now use to store both my sex toys and my hair and beauty products!)

I’d also love to have some beautiful wooden or metal hooks on the walls to store my floggers, paddles, and other large impact toys as well as coils of rope and cuff sets.

Erotic Art & Decor

I have a growing collection of erotic art in my office and bedroom, from shibari-themed embroidery to a sapphic BDSM print to an incense holder shaped like a vulva. I’d love to expand this collection a lot more, and I feel like my home dungeon would be the perfect place to show this off. My dream would be to invest in commissioning my favourite kinky and sex-positive artists to create some custom work for the space.

As far as colour schemes, I’m thinking dark wood furniture and splashes of dark plum purple and rich teal green. Less “red room of pain” and more “high-end hotel suite… but make it kinky.”

Aftercare Corner

Aftercare is one of the most crucial parts of a good kink scene. Good aftercare helps the players to ground, regroup, and connect to each other again as equal humans after intense play. It can also help to reduce sub drop/Top drop. My dungeon would have a cosy aftercare corner with a comfortable sofa, warm blankets, and maybe a mini-fridge well stocked with water and snacks for a post-play pick-me-up.

What would you want in your home dungeon?

FYI: this post was sponsored. All views and writing are, as always, my own.

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Threesome Tips: How to Be a Good Couple to Have a Threesome With

Published on by Amy4 Comments

Threesomes are amongst the most common sexual fantasies, but threesome tips often focus on how to find a third person to play with as an established couple. I wanted to take things in a slightly different direction with this threesome guide and instead focus on how, once you’ve found that person, you can be a good couple to have a threesome with.

In other words, how can you give them a great experience, treat your special guest star well, and end the night with everyone feeling good?

The Absolute Most Important Threesome Tip Of All: No Pressure

Pressure is the ultimate desire- and pleasure-killer. It’s a really bad idea to go into a threesome (or indeed any sexual experience) with an overly rigid idea of how you want it to go. This puts undue pressure on everyone. It’s especially unfair on an incoming third party, who may well be at a power disadvantage when playing with an established couple.

Don’t rush things. Don’t invite a potential playmate over with the goal that you must have a threesome and that anything else is a failure. Spend time getting to know the person, learn about what they’re into, ask what they’re hoping to get out of the experience, and talk about what kind of ongoing dynamic you all want to have, if any.

If things do progress to a sexy place, don’t make it a rush to tick off sex acts like you’re trying to round all the “bases” as quickly as possible. Making out, touching, groping, massage, hand sex, oral sex, and kinky play can all be amazing in and of themselves. Don’t rush to penetrative sex, or even assume that penetrative sex is on the table at all.

Before You Have a Threesome, Get Your House In Order

No, I don’t mean your physical house, though tidying up before you have a date over is a nice and courteous thing to do. I’m talking about the house of your relationship.

What’s the only thing more awkward than being in the middle of a couple having a fight? Being in bed with a couple having a fight. It is tremendously unfair to bring another person into your dynamic, even casually, if your relationship is on rocky ground. My top threesome tip to couples having problems? Don’t do it. Wait until things have stabilised.

Before you take your threesome plans to reality, discuss your feelings in depth with your partner. Talk about any insecurities or jealousies that might come up, and plan for how you’ll handle it if they do. Your plan should focus on kindness and compassion towards everyone, including the third person. “Well we can just kick her out if one of us gets jealous” is neither a solid plan nor an ethical way to treat a human being.

“Relationship broken, add more people” is a cliche because so many couples try to do it… and it never, ever ends well.

Good Threesome Sex Tip: Approach It As a Collaboration, Not a Service

Too many threesome guides focus exclusively on the couple and seem to forget that there are three humans involved, not two humans and a toy. Good sex is a collaboration, a dance between equals. Everyone should be free to both give and receive pleasure The goal should always be mutual enjoyment satisfaction for all parties, not just the established couple.

Your threesome buddy may not be a fully fledged member of your ongoing relationship, but they are a fully fledged member of whatever dynamic the three of you are creating together. Even if the sex is casual, they are not a life-size sex doll! They’re a person with their own wants, needs, desires and feelings, and those deserve to be honoured.

Check in with everyone involved early and often, and make enthusiastic and ongoing consent your minimum standard. If you’re not absolutely 1000% sure you have consent for something, always ask. “Ruining the mood” is a myth. A good time will never be ruined by checking on consent, but it can easily be ruined by overstepping someone’s boundaries.

I hope it goes without saying that no means no, and you should never push someone to do something if they don’t want to.

Safer Sex Tips for Threesomes

Safer sex is essential, and you should never go into a threesome (or any sexual encounter) without thinking about and discussing it.

Ideally, this discussion should happen while clothes are still on, long before any sex happens, but it can happen in the moment if necessary (for example, if your threesome evolves spontaneously.)

Everyone should disclose their testing status, their safer-sex protocols, the method(s) of birth control they’re using if relevant, and any other relevant information such as allergies.

Safer sex is at least as much your responsibility as a couple as it is the third party’s responsibility! Everyone is responsible for looking out for their own and their intimate partners’ sexual health.

By the way: if you’re using toys in your threesome, read my guide to sex toys, STIs, and sharing toys safely.

What Do You Need? Have It On Hand

Ensure that your stash of condoms, lube, gloves, dams and any other relevant safer sex supplies is well-stocked and easily reachable. If you might want to use toys, make sure they’re close by (and charged, if applicable!)

Water, snacks, blankets, extra pillows, and towels are also useful things to have on hand.

Make An Aftercare Plan

Most threesome tips forget this part: what happens afterwards?

Will your threesome buddy stay over, or would they prefer to go home afterwards? How will they get home safely? If they do stay, would they prefer to sleep with you both or in a separate bed? What do they like to eat and drink in the morning? If they’re going home, would they like you to check in the following day?

Make sure there’s time to cuddle, debrief if necessary, and make sure everyone is okay and has everything they need after sex. Offer, and ask for, reassurance and affection freely as needed.

And that’s it! I can’t guarantee you’ll have an amazing threesome if you follow the tips in this guide, but you’ll be safe in the knowledge that you’re treating your very special guest star with the respect, compassion and consideration they deserve.

If you enjoyed this post, you can buy me a coffee to say thanks.

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What is Subdrop and What Can You Do About It? 25 Subdrop Aftercare Ideas

Published on by Amy8 Comments

Subspace is a kind of high, fueled by adrenaline and endorphins and all the other happy-fuzzy brain chemicals that come out when you do BDSM play. But what goes up, as they say, must come down. That’s where subdrop comes in. But what is subdrop exactly, what causes it, and what can you do about it? Let’s learn about subdrop and some subdrop aftercare ideas to help you get through it.

What is Subdrop?

Subdrop is what can happen when all those lovely chemicals wear off and reality sets back in. For some, it can hit as soon as the subspace high has ended, while for others it can hit a day or even several days later. Everyone is different. I most often drop somewhere between 12 and 24 hours after an intense play session, though it has been known to be quicker.

Not everyone who engages in BDSM gets subdrop at all. Some do, some don’t, and either way is fine.

How Does It Feel?

Subdrop looks different for everyone, and it can be physical, mental, or both. You might feel sad, low, or depressed. You might cry a lot. Some people report feeling exhausted, listless, or low on energy. You might be ravenously hungry or completely lose your appetite. For some, the symptoms are akin to having a bad cold or virus! When you’re in the middle of it, subdrop can be overwhelming and horrible. If you’re new to BDSM, it can be confusing and distressing if you experience it unexpectedly.

By the way: if you’re a Dominant or Top and any of this sounds like your experience, you might be experiencing the equivalent: Dom drop or Topdrop. Much of the same advice applies to you.

25 Subdrop Aftercare Remedies

Subdrop, like everything in BDSM, is personal. This is a list of subdrop aftercare suggestions, not a prescription. Not everything on this list will work for everyone, and that’s okay. Pick out just one or two that appeal to you, and try them out.

  1. Cuddle someone/something! Your partner, a friend, a stuffed toy, your pet.
  2. Make your favourite hot drink and sip it slowly, noticing how it tastes and letting the cup warm your hands.
  3. Eat some chocolate or whatever your favourite sweet treat is. Not enough to make you feel sick, just enough to give you those feel-good chemicals. What is subdrop, after all, but a reduction in happy brain chemicals?
  4. Cook (or order in) a simple, healthy meal and enjoy eating it slowly. Something with protein and vegetables is ideal, but getting food into your body is the most important thing so if all you can manage is toast, go for it.
  5. Watch your favourite film or an episode of your favourite comfort show. Something lighthearted is best when you’re experiencing subdrop. Unless gory horror movies are comforting to you, I guess, in which case you do you!
  6. Write in your journal.
  7. Post to your blog or Fetlife page, if you have one.
  8. Share how you’re feeling with a kinky friend or kink-positive friend. Sympathy and virtual cuddles from people who get it can be cathartic.
  9. Listen to a comedy podcast or watch some stand-up and laugh until your stomach hurts.
  10. Curl up under a cozy duvet with a good book or a magazine.
  11. Meditate. There are thousands of free guided meditations on Youtube.
  12. Masturbate or have sex. Having an orgasm can perk you up no end. Again, subdrop is what happens when you experience the low after the high. There’s no shame in topping those endorphins up a bit.
  13. Go for a walk. Preferably somewhere with flowers and trees, but to the shop at the end of the street and back will work in a pinch.
  14. Sit in your garden, if you have one, or a nearby park. Fresh air is important.
  15. Buy yourself something, if you can comfortably afford to. This could be as elaborate as that high-end vibrator you’ve been lusting after for months, or as simple as a fancy coffee.
  16. Tidy up your room or work space. I always feel better and more clear-headed when my safe spaces are neat and tidy.
  17. Take a bath or shower. Spend as long as you like luxuriating in the hot water. Use your most decadent scented shower gel or that fancy bath bomb you’ve been saving.
  18. Play loud, upbeat music. Optional extras: sing along loudly, dance around your room for the length of a song or two. When I’m in subdrop, there’s nothing like my “queer bangers” playlist to help me feel like me again.
  19. Call someone you miss. Your mum. A grandparent. Your best friend in another city. Just pick up the phone, say hi and catch up.
  20. Create something. Whatever your creative talent is, use it. Play your instrument, bake a cake, write a page of your novel, knit a few rows of your latest project.
  21. Take a nap. Even an hour of rest will help recharge you a little.
  22. Exercise. Hit the gym, go for a run, or do some yoga. Moving your body releases tension and clears your mind.
  23. Get your hair cut or your nails done. No drastic changes right now! But a bit of pampering can really raise your mood and make you feel good about yourself.
  24. Just sit with the feeling. This is a mindfulness technique. Sit, feel, and think: I am feeling rotten right now because I am subdropping, but I know this feeling will soon pass and I will be okay.
  25. Do something for someone else. Whether it’s a chore that’s normally your partner’s but they’re super busy today, or getting shopping for an elderly neighbour, caring for others takes you out of your own head.

I hope you find some of these subdrop aftercare ideas helpful. Subdrop is a normal part of kink and BDSM for many people, and it can be hard. But understanding what subdrop is and why it happens, and knowing some basic aftercare techniques for dealing, with it can make all the difference.