Tag: abuse

A man wearing a checked shirt and jeans sits on a bottom step with his head in his hands. Text reads: How damaging sexual scripts allow abuse of boys to thrive

[Guest Post] How Damaging Sexual Scripts Allow Abuse of “Lucky Boys” to Thrive by Poly Lone Ranger

Published on by Amy

Today’s post by Poly Lone Ranger, AKA James Mosley II (he/him), is an important topic that isn’t talked about anywhere near enough. Heads-up that this one comes with a trigger warning for abuse, rape, and sexual violence. It also discusses sexual scripts and the limiting, gendered, and cisheteronormative societal ideals around sex, bodies, and consent.

Amy x

How Damaging Sexual Scripts Allow Abuse of “Lucky Boys” to Thrive by Poly Lone Ranger

It’s Friday night, and I’m lounging in my room with a beer, fully engrossed in the TV miniseries A Teacher (currently on Hulu). For those who haven’t seen it, the show stars Kate Mara as Claire Wilson, a newly appointed AP high school teacher in her early 30s, and Nick Robinson as Eric Walker, Claire’s 17-year-old student on the cusp of college. What starts as Claire tutoring Eric for the SATs soon turns into an inappropriate intimate relationship between teacher and student.

As I watched, I noticed myself experiencing arousal during Eric and Claire’s interactions—a super unsettling reaction that made me think on how much cultural narratives shape our sexual responses, even when we intellectually recognize something as abusive. So I asked myself why. Why would I feel this way knowing what I was watching was an abuse narrative—a young boy being taken advantage of by someone in power?

Digging deeper, I came across BSc psychology grad Charlotte Houghton’s study Addressing Gender Bias in the Narrative of Teacher-Student Sexual Crimes [2]. Houghton calls out this trope: “Media coverage often portrays abusive female teachers as participants in ‘love affairs’ or ‘romances’ rather than categorizing them as sexual predators, as male teachers are typically labelled.”

That hit me hard. The same thing occurs with pornographic scenes and cultural conditioning. Maybe I wasn’t fantasizing freely on my own, but repeating what society had taught me to see as “desirable” and, in some minds, acceptable.

Why It Matters

According to the CDC as of 2025, one in 20 boys in the U.S. experiences child sexual abuse before adulthood [1]. Yet male victimization is immensely underreported because cultural norms discourage boys and men from seeing themselves as victims of sexual violence.

While most people correctly recognize sexual contact between an adult and a minor as abuse, society often reacts more leniently when the predator is a woman and the victim is a young boy. Dr. Houghton further notes that public perception of adult male teacher/minor female student abuse is overwhelmingly negative, but adult female teacher/minor male student cases are often romanticized or even outright eroticized.

Boys are handed scripts from a young age about what being a man means. These scripts come from the media, family, and peers. These narratives become instructions for how men “should” act in intimate and sexual scenarios, often erasing the acknowledgement of consent, emotional awareness, vulnerability, and the possibility of victimhood.

Let’s unpack seven common sexual scripts that disguise abuse as a normal or even desirable part of male development, silencing young boys while protecting predators.

What Are Sexual Scripts?

So what are sexual scripts? Sexual scripts, a term coined by sociologists John H. Gagnon and William Simon [6] and later expanded by N. Tatiana Masters, Erin Casey, Elizabeth Wells, and Diane Morrison [3], are social manuals teaching people how to conduct themselves intimately and/or sexually. These scripts become performed out on the world stage and are usually enacted subconsciously.

Masters’ study Sexual Scripts Among Young Heterosexually Active Men and Women: Continuity and Change [3] outlines some common male scripts: always desiring sex, initiating it, having strong “sex drives,” being skilled lovers, prioritizing sex over emotional connections, and seeking multiple partners.

Below are seven sexual scripts that help abuse of boys flourish:

  1. Men should always be ready and willing for sex
  2. Men should always initiate sex
  3. Masculinity is synonymous with sexual conquest
  4. Men are supposed to be dominant and in control
  5. Men must be skilled lovers naturally
  6. Men should prioritize penetration and orgasm
  7. Men shouldn’t show emotional intimacy or vulnerability during sex

Script 1: Men Should Always Be Ready and Willing

The assumption that men should always want sex disregards the requirement for them to consent to sex each time. Mark Travers, Ph.D., in Are Men Always Ready & Willing To Have Sex? [7] found that 61% of men reported “mild sexual compliance” in the past year. That is, they said yes to unwanted sexual activity simply because it was expected.

When boys internalize this script, they become easy targets. A teenage boy “going along” with an older woman’s advances may believe he consented, even when his gut said no. Predators can frame abuse as harmless or even generous: she “gave him” a sexual experience he was supposedly lucky to have.

This script primes boys to misinterpret coercion as a natural expectation, and ignores the very power imbalances that enable and normalize abuse.

Script 2: Men Should Always Initiate

From evolutionary “hunter” myths to contemporary media portrayals, boys are told they should pursue and chase everything sexual. When an older woman initiates, the taboo can feel erotic rather than predatory, at least on the surface.

Grooming often disguises itself as a choice. A boy may feel he “chose” the relationship, when in reality he was carefully steered by his abuser. Because society casts men as pursuers, young male victims may convince themselves they always had agency in the dynamic.

This script reinforces the idea that boys can be complicit in their own abuse.

Script 3: Masculinity is Synonymous with Sexual Conquest

When I was in middle school and high school, having sex was the ultimate status symbol among boys. Counting sexual partners became a toxic but common pastime. Masters’ study cites Ethan, a young man who felt it was his “mission” to have sex with “as many girls as I can,” even though it left him feeling unsatisfied. I’ve been there myself.

When masculinity is measured by the number of sexual partners (especially female partners), boys can even be pushed to count sex with a female predator as an accomplishment instead of harmful. Abuse becomes viewed as a trophy rather than a trauma.

Script 4: Men Are Supposed to Be Dominant and in Control

Societal narratives about masculinity conflate it with dominance. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) notes: “male survivors struggle to label abuse as abuse because vulnerability doesn’t
fit the dominant male role” [4]

Boys may interpret sex with an older woman as “being chosen” or “having power”, or “being the man” (as Eric Walker repeatedly says in A Teacher) as even when the power imbalance is stacked against them.

Sexual scripts that reinforce the idea of being a man alongside “dominance” prevents boys from acknowledging when they are in a situation in which they are overpowered or in danger, normalizing abuse under the guise of masculinity.

Script 5: Men Must Be Skilled Lovers Naturally

From medieval chivalry to modern porn, men are told they should already “know” how to perform sexually. This social expectation leaves no room for learning, confusion, or boundaries.

Boys may believe they naturally have components of intimacy such as consent figured out when they don’t. If an older woman initiates, the boy assumes he’s supposed to rise to the occasion and “perform”. He judges himself on skill instead of reflecting on his short life experience and giving himself space to learn, grow, and get to know himself.

Scripts that enforce performance over agency contribute directly to silenced boy victims.

Script 6: Men Should Prioritize Penetration and Orgasm

This script reduces sex to mechanics. Emotional impact and consent barely factor in.

Research on male sexual assault mentions that men often experience erections or ejaculation during assault. NSVRC adds, “Some men may question that sexual assault could have happened if part of it was enjoyable, or if they became physically aroused” [4].

Physical response isn’t consent. Scripts equating orgasm with pleasure or consent dismiss boys’ abuse as enjoyment, enabling predators.

Script 7: Men Shouldn’t Show Emotional Intimacy or Vulnerability

John Wayne. Gary Cooper. Clint Eastwood. From toxically masculine figures in film to emotionally shut-down fathers, boys are often taught, “don’t cry, don’t feel.” Vulnerability during sex is especially off-limits.

NSVRC explains: “men may feel the need to be silent about their abuse because of the internalized belief that men can’t be victims, or that men should not express weakness” [4].

If an older person crosses a line, there is little space for boys to process trauma. They may brag to peers or stay silent—both strategies that bury real harm. Scripts that enforce emotional suppression keep abuse
hidden and unacknowledged.

Sexual Scripts, Abuse, and a Cultural Double Standard

Reactions to abuse differ starkly by gender. Comment sections of headlines online describing female teacher/male student abuse are full of men saying, “where was she when I was in high school?!” While passed off as jokes such remarks excuse predators and erase boys’ victimhood.

Australian and U.S. studies of Facebook comments executed by Kristan Russell, Ph.D. confirm this: attractive female predators are often excused as “pretty women,” while male victims are framed as “lucky blokes” [5].

In Dr. Russell’s study participants read newspaper articles describing a case of a local teacher who engaged in sexual misconduct with a 17-year-old student. When the scenario was an adult female teacher and underage male student, the relationship was viewed to be less harmful to the student, the student to be more mature and responsible, and the relationship to be more acceptable. Society’s double standard hides abuse and shields perpetrators.

Real-World Consequences

These scripts don’t just warp perception. They leave deep scars. Male survivors of childhood sexual abuse face a higher risk of depression, anxiety, intimacy struggles, and substance abuse. Many disclose their experiences only decades later, if ever.

Society’s insistence that boys “enjoyed it” or were “lucky” leads survivors to gaslight themselves, misinterpreting abuse as consensual. Without validation, trauma festers, negatively impacting relationships, self-worth, and mental health.

Beyond Sexual Scripts: What Can We Do About It?

Now the good news is that sexual scripts aren’t permanent. Since they were learned, they can be unlearned.

First we must shift how we view offenses and stop romanticizing and/or eroticizing young male victimization, especially when the abuser is attractive and female. The “lucky boy” narrative isn’t harmless—it shields abuse.

If we want boys to speak up without shame, we must challenge these scripts. Male victimhood is as real and deserving of compassion as female victimhood. Boys who experience abuse deserve protection, recognition, and empathy. Anything less ensures the abuse continues. Until we rewrite these scripts, abuse will continue to hide in plain sight.

Sources & Further Reading

[1] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024, May 16). About child sexual abuse.
National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.

[2] Houghton, C. (2024, March 14). Gender bias in teacher-student sexual crimes. The
Academic. Retrieved August 21, 2025

[3] Masters, N. T., Casey, E., Wells, E. A., & Morrison, D. M. (2013). Sexual scripts among
young heterosexually active men and women: Continuity and change. Journal of Sex
Research, 50(5), 409–420.

[4] National Sexual Violence Resource Center. (n.d.). Understanding male socialization,
stigma, and reactions to sexual violence. National Sexual Violence Resource Center. Retrieved August 21, 2025

[5] Prairie View A&M University. (2021, April 26). Study: Teachers’ gender, sexuality, age
affect perceptions of sexual misconduct of students. Prairie View A&M University.
Retrieved August 21, 2025

[6] Gagnon, J. H., & Simon, W. (1973). Sexual conduct: The social sources of human
sexuality. Aldine Publishing Company.

[7] Travers, M. (2022, May 7). Are men always ready and willing to have sex?
Therapytips.org. Retrieved August 21, 2025

[8] Thomas, J. C., & Kopel, J. (2023). Male victims of sexual assault: A review of the
literature. Behavioral Sciences, 13(4), 304.

About the Writer

James Mosley II, AKA Poly Lone Ranger, is a writer, aspiring sexuality educator & researcher, and a current graduate student at Widener University, where he’s earning his M.Ed in Human Sexuality. He is passionate about non-monogamy, robust sex education, and helping others find and accept their most authentic selves in the realm of sexuality. James is the author of the children’s coloring book, “Coloring Connection VOL 1.” You can find more of his projects at https://beacons.ai/polyloneranger.

Line drawn in sand. Header image for a post about weaponizing boundaries in polyamory

Weaponizing Boundaries in Polyamory: How it Looks and Why It’s a Problem [Polyamory Conversation Cards #21]

Published on by Amy

We talk about boundaries a lot in the polyamorous community. Boundaries are tremendously important in any relationship, and perhaps even more so when multiple people are involved. They help to protect our wellbeing, build trust and safety, maintain individuality in a relationship, and allow us to give generously to those we love without sacrificing ourselves in the process. But what we don’t talk about enough is the phenomenon of weaponizing boundaries. In other words, using them to control others’ actions, to sneak rules in by the back door, or to attempt to avoid jealousy and other difficult emotions.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How do you feel about having sex with multiple people on the same day (but not simultaneously), both for yourself and your partner(s)?”

You might be asking, Amy, what does this have to do with weaponizing boundaries? I’m getting there!

This question made me think about a common discussion topic I see in polyamorous spaces: the “24 hour rule” (or 48 hour rule, or 3-day rule, or whatever other variation you can come up with!) In short, what this means is that a person doesn’t want to have sex (or other intimate interactions) with more than one person in a given period… or that they don’t want to have sex or other intimate interactions with a partner who has been intimate with someone else in a given period.

In and of themselves, these are valid personal boundaries. I might not personally understand them, but they’re valid if they are important to you. Where it gets dicey, though, is when they start being used to control your partner’s behaviour outside of their relationship with you. This is what I mean by weaponizing boundaries.

Let’s back up a step, though.

What a Boundary Is and Isn’t

A boundary relates to yourself, your needs or limits, and the things that belong solely to you (your body, your mind, your emotions, your time, your personal property, and so on.) Boundaries are about the things you will and won’t do, the things you will and won’t allow to be done to/with you or your things, and the types of treatment you will and won’t tolerate. Above all, boundaries are personal.

You cannot place a boundary on another person.

Read that again: you cannot place a boundary on another person.

As soon as you’re telling someone else what they can or cannot do, except as it directly relates to their interactions with you or the things that belong to you, you’re no longer drawing a boundary. You are making a rule.

“Don’t touch me” is a boundary. “You’re not allowed to watch porn” is not a boundary. “No, I can’t lend you my car” is a boundary. “You have to be home by 9PM every night” is not a boundary.

In any relationship, but particularly in a polyamorous relationship, you can’t just slap the “boundaries” label on rules and restrictions and go. Probably 8 times out of 10 at least, when someone says “my partner broke a boundary” what they actually mean is that their partner broke a rule (and often an unreasonable one at that.)

You Get to Have Whatever Boundaries You Need… But You Can’t Use Them to Control Others

Other people obviously do have some responsibility to adhere to boundaries in certain situations. For example, “don’t touch me” is a reasonable boundary that requires the other person to respect. Because your boundaries are about you, they should relate to your behaviour or things that are directly done to/with you, not things that don’t directly involve you (such as your partner’s other relationships.)

To return to the “24 hour rule” example, it’s obviously fine if you don’t want to have sex with more than one person in the same period. It’s also fine if you don’t want to have sex with someone who has had sex with someone else in whatever time period you specify. You have an absolute, inviolable right to say no to sex at any time and for any reason, including for no reason.

Where this boundary tends to go sideways, though, is when people think it gives them the right to control their partner’s sex life outside of their relationship.

If you don’t want to have sex with a person who’s had sex with someone else recently, then your responsibility in this situation is… to not have sex until the relevant amount of time has passed. It is not your partner’s responsibility to abstain from sex they’d otherwise like to be having in order to “save it” for you.

When people get upset that their partner “broke a boundary” by having sex with another partner on the morning before their date night, for example, what they’re actually doing is outsourcing their comfort to a relationship they’re not even in. What would be violating this boundary, assuming they’re aware of it, would be having sex with you without letting you know that they’ve been intimate with someone else within your comfort window.

Do you see the difference?

Some Other Examples of How Weaponizing Boundaries in Polyamory Can Look

This post isn’t actually about the “24 hour rule”, I’ve just been using that as a convenient example to illustrate my points. But to consider this subject a bit more broadly, let’s look at a few other common examples of weaponizing boundaries in polyamory.

Boundaries as Sneakiarchy

Hierarchical polyamory has a pretty bad rap these days, and for good reason. It tends to disenfranchise those who aren’t at the top of the heap, and prevent those who are from actually doing the personal growth required to have healthy polyamorous relationships. However, many people now know that hierarchical practices are frowned upon but still kind of want to enact them due to the illusion of safety they offer.

Enter: sneakiarchy, or hierarchy by stealth.

Boundaries can so easily be weaponized to bring about sneakiarchy. If you’re saying your relationships are non-hierarchical, but tacitly or openly expecting your partner to defer to you or prioritise you above your metamours under the guise of “boundaries”, this is probably what you’re doing.

Example: “my boundary is that my wife has to sleep with me every night so she can’t stay over with her boyfriend”

Boundaries as Double Standards

I don’t make a secret of the fact that I’m cynical about mono/poly relationships (where one partner is monogamous and the other polyamorous.) In my extensive experience, they rarely work and often make at least one party utterly miserable. Of course, there are exceptions. But you know what’s never an exception and never okay?? Enforced double standards or mono/poly under duress.

Unfortunately, people who want to collect partners but not allow those partners to date others will often use the language of “boundaries” to justify this blatant double standard. I’ve seen so many people despairing over this, saying things like “I identify as polyamorous and I desperately want to date others but my husband has set a boundary that I can’t.”

Say it with me: Not. A. Boundary!

Example: “I’m polyamorous but I have a boundary against having polyamorous partners so all my partners need to be monogamous to me”

Emotional Issues Disguised as Safety Boundaries

Sexual health is perhaps the arena where this issue gets the most contentious.

Sexual health is important, and we should all be taking reasonable steps to keep ourselves and our lovers safe. However, our own sexual health is ultimately our own responsibility. Many people will use the language of boundaries to place restrictions on their partners’ other relationships, citing sexual health as the reason. This can make the restrictions difficult to argue with or push back against. After all, we all agree that sexual health matters, don’t we?

But this can easily become another form of weaponizing boundaries.

If you’re concerned that your partner’s sexual health practices aren’t in line with yours, you have a few options. Use barriers with them, abstain from sex with them, do less risky activities together (such as using toys or sharing mutual masturbation), or end the relationship. What’s not fair, though, is to use your sexual health needs to control their behaviour outside of your relationship.

Example: “my boundary is that you use condoms with everyone but me to take care of my sexual health”

What Does It Mean to Enforce Your Own Boundaries in Polyamory without Weaponizing Them?

Ultimately, unless we’re talking about a situation of abuse, a boundary is only a boundary if you’re willing to enforce it. Enforcing it might look like something as small as leaving the room or ending a phone call, or as big as leaving the relationship.

Enforcing your boundaries should not be about punishing your partner, but about protecting yourself and your wellbeing. And there are numerous safe and healthy ways to enforce your boundaries in polyamory without weaponizing them.

The biggest rule of thumb here? Focus on yourself. Do what you need to do to look after yourself. If you find yourself wanting to punish your partner, control them, or lash out at them, you’re probably weaponizing your boundaries.

Let’s go back once more to the “24 hour rule” for sex. You know by now that it’s not reasonable to expect your partner to abstain from sex with your metamour that they’d both otherwise want to have. So instead you might say something like “since you had sex with X this morning, I want to wait until tomorrow to be intimate with you.” You’re enforcing your boundary clearly but kindly, and you’re placing the restriction on yourelf, not on your partner’s other relationship or any behaviour that does not directly pertain to you.

If the 24 hour rule is genuinely important to you, this will feel fine. If it makes you feel angry and resentful, you might be hiding behind a boundary as an attempt to control your partner or to punish them for having sex with your metamour. In other words, you’re weaponizing boundaries.

What to Do Instead of Weaponizing Your Boundaries

If you think you’ve been guilty of weaponizing boundaries, don’t despair. Having the self-awareness to recognise this pattern is an amazing first step. It is within your power to stop doing this, and it will lead to healthier and happier relationships if you can break that cycle.

First, get really clear on your understanding of exactly what boundaries, rules, and agreements are (I’ve got a short primer in this post.)

Next, sit down with your partner(s) and have a conversation about your relationship, its structure, and your agreements. What do you each need and want from your connection? What does your relationship need to thrive, what do you both need as individuals, and what do your (current or hypothetical) other relationships need?

From here, you can set relationship agreements that work for both of you. Remember: agreements, not rules. Try not to be restrictive here, and to focus on positive additions for your relationship. Things like “we’ll have a date night every week to spend quality time together” and “we will always tell each other the truth, even when it’s hard” are great agreements.

And, of course, talk about your boundaries. What are your absolute needs and your absolute dealbreakers? For example: I won’t stay in a relationship with someone who shouts at me, I will only have sex with people who get a sexual health test regularly, and I expect to be told the truth about things that impact me.

If you’re not sure if something is a boundary, apply this test:

  1. Does it apply directly and solely to me and things that are mine (my body, mind, emotions, time, possessions, etc?) If so, it’s probably a boundary.
  2. Does it unreasonably restrict my partner, compelling them to behave in a certain way or to take/not take certain actions against their will, in any way not directly relating to their interactions with me? If it does, it’s probably not a reasonable boundary. If not, you’re good.
  3. Am I prepared to hold and enforce this boundary if necessary, even if it means having a difficult conversation, ending an interaction, or walking away from the entire relationship? If so, it’s probably a genuine boundary.

Next time you feel tempted to weaponize a boundary to control your partner or get your way, pause and check in with yourself. What fear is being triggered? What need is not being met? Is there a difficult underlying emotion such as jealousy that’s pushing you to act in this way?

Sit with that feeling. Unpack it. Talk to your partner about the fear, need, or emotion, and ask for their support without attempting to control them. Once you get good at this, you’ll feel no need to weaponize boundaries any more.

What to Do If Your Partner is Weaponizing Their Boundaries

On the other hand, perhaps you’ve recognised that your partner is the one weaponizing boundaries. Being in this situation can be incredibly painful, confusing, and stressful, and you don’t have to put up with it.

If your partner is weaponizing their boundaries and unwilling or unable to change their behaviour, you might want to consider leaving the relationship. Of course, most people don’t want to make this decision lightly, so if you’re not ready to leave there are things you can do to help change the situation.

In some situations, a detailed heart-to-heart conversation as discussed in the last section can go a long way to solving this issue. Your partner might not even realise that they’re weaponizing boundaries and, when you point it out, may be horrified that their behaviour is harming you. Sometimes, though, this won’t be enough.

Ironically, the best way to push back against a partner’s weaponizing of boundaries while staying in the relationship is… with more, better, and stronger boundaries of your own!

This means understanding who you are, what you need, what you value, and where your limits are. It also means having a very strong understanding of what boundaries are, what respecting them looks like, and when a “boundary” isn’t a boundary.

You don’t have to capitulate to unreasonable demands just because they are phrased as “boundaries.” You get to say “that’s not a personal boundary and infringes on my autonomy/my other relationship, so I won’t be adhering to it.”

In the end, though, the responsibility lies with your partner. You can’t force them to stop weaponizing their boundaries. All you can do is maintain good boundaries of your own, push back against unreasonable demands, and leave the relationship if you decide that’s the best thing for you.

Is Weaponizing Boundaries Abuse?

There’s no easy answer to this, except to say “sometimes.”

Not all instances of weaponizing boundaries rise to the level of abuse, though some certainly can. And a pattern of weaponizing boundaries over a period of time can absolutely become a type of emotional or psychological abuse, particularly when it manifests as coercive control.

If you think you might be being abused, seek support from friends and family, see a therapist, phone a domestic abuse hotline, or contact an appropriate organisation for help. And if you think you might be abusing your partner, resources such as Respect are a great place to go for help. It’s also important to contact a qualified professional such as a therapist and get support to stop your abusive behaviour immediately.

Woman clutching the sheets as though cumming. Header image for a post on faking orgasms.

On Faking Orgasms

Published on by Amy

[TW: this post makes brief reference to sexual intimate partner abuse]

Sometimes it’s hard for me to cum.

And sometimes I can get there, but it takes a long time. Or what feels like a long time to me, though I think I’m actually fairly average. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, one study showed that the average person with a vulva (they said “woman” but let’s use inclusive language here) takes around 14 minutes to climax during partnered sex. It is a little unclear whether the researchers were using “partnered sex” synonymously with “intercourse”. However, I’m assuming they are referring to any kind of partnered sexual activity since anything from 50% to 80% (depending on which study you believe) of people with vulvas don’t orgasm solely from penetration at all.

After the first time we slept together, my now-girlfriend and I discussed the orgasm difficulty thing because I was feeling a little self-conscious over how long it sometimes takes me to get off. During that conversation, she asked me to please not feel any pressure to fake it. And I hadn’t realised how much I needed to hear that explicitly until she said it.

Why Fake Orgasms?

I’ve definitely faked orgasms in the past, and for a few different reasons. At the absolute worst, when I was in an abusive relationship, faking it was sometimes the best way to get things I didn’t like and didn’t feel comfortable with to be over. In those relationships, even if the sex itself was consensual, it wasn’t necessarily safe to ask for what actually felt good and would help me to get off. Abusive men don’t take well to any threats to their egos.

On a less sinister note, I’ve had a lot of consensual-but-bad sex in my life. Whether it was partners who couldn’t be bothered to learn how to please me, or just my own insecurities and unwillingness to speak up, lots of factors played into this. Half way through I might realise that I wasn’t going to get there no matter how hard we tried. At those times, faking it sometimes felt easier than saying “can we stop?”

I’ve also faked orgasms in group sex situations before. Those spaces are typically less about the actual orgasm for me. I often won’t cum in a group situation, though there are of course exceptions to this generalisation. They’re more about the overall sensuality, shared sexual energy, and just the feeling of being in that erotic space. Even so, it can feel like the goal in those situations is “everyone has an orgasm” and like I’m letting the group down if I don’t. In those circumstances, it has sometimes felt easier to fake it than to draw attention to it.

Why I Decided to Stop

Quite a few years ago now, I swore off faking orgasms. So what changed? A few things.

First, I realised that I deserve pleasure as much as my partners. I was primarily sleeping with men and masc-of-centre people at the time, and the orgasm gap is a real phenomenon to which I have no desire to contribute with my sex life.

Ironically, discovering that I have an orgasm denial/orgasm control kink helped, too. This means that if I’m having fun but not getting off, I can eroticise the build-up and the unreleased sexual tension in and of itself. Enjoying the process freed me up to enjoy sex more fully without needing to chase a destination that can be highly variable in its reachability. (And yes, I also appreciate the irony that someone growling “don’t you dare fucking cum” in my ear will often get me close faster than almost anything else.)

I also realised that faking it just begets more frustration and unsatisfying sex. If a partner believes that what they’re doing is making me cum, they will (reasonably) continue doing those things when we have sex again in the future. By faking orgasms, I was literally teaching partners to continue touching me in ways that didn’t work for me. What’s the point of that?

I recently saw this article about why faking orgasms “may not be as bad for your relationship as we thought,” and… it made me kinda ragey. This part, in particular:

If your partner feels insecure about their sexual ability and you don’t have an orgasm during sex, sometimes telling them you did is an easy out from having to console them. As much as you love your partner, having to reassure them their sex skills are top-notch can be taxing. That’s why, in these situations, it’s fine to spare their feelings to avoid having to comfort them for hours on end.

– Amanda Chatel

What? WHAT!? No! I’m sorry but if someone’s ego is so fragile that they’re going to make my body’s quirks about them, or that they’d rather I lie to them rather than learn about what actually gets me off (and accept that sometimes it might not happen through no fault of theirs or mine), we shouldn’t be having sex.

Another change was discovering the wonderful world of sex toys. Over a decade ago, I went through a period where I was unable to orgasm due to starting new antidepressants. It was a mains-powered “back massager” vibrator that helped me eventually power through that block. I didn’t really start exploring the full joys of the sex toy world, though, until I launched this blog. (And then it all got slightly out of hand… *glances around at vibrators spilling out of drawers, baskets, boxes, and door-hanging shoe holders in my office.*)

Discovering toys gave me new options and avenues for pleasure and orgasm. New ways to experience intense sensations when my body needs more powerful stimulation to break through an orgasm block. New ways to cum and new possibilities to reach for if hands or mouths or cocks aren’t quite getting me over the edge.

The absolute number one change, though? The single biggest thing that turned all of this around? Safe relationships.

When you’re with safe partners, faking orgasms becomes unnecessary. With both Mr C&K and my girlfriend, I feel able to say either “please could we do this different thing that might help me get there?” or “I don’t think it’s going to happen tonight but I’m still having tonnes of fun” and I know that that will be heard and accepted with love. Feeling safe and loved totally removes the need or desire to fake anything with them, including my orgasms.

So sometimes I still struggle to cum. That might always be true. And sometimes I might worry that I’m taking too long. That my partner(s) will feel bad if I don’t get off. That they’ll get bored with the process. In those situations, faking orgasms does still occasionally seem like a tempting solution. But I promised myself and my partners that I’ll never do that again, and I intend to stick to it.

I deserve more than fake pleasure and so do my partners. Because if we can’t be authentic with each other, what’s the point?

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A Dom Ignored My Safeword. Now What?

Published on by Amy3 Comments

No, the title of this post isn’t something that has happened to me recently, so please don’t worry! But it’s something I see shockingly frequently, from Fetlife to Reddit’s r/BDSM and many other places on the internet. “My Dom ignored my safeword. What do I do now?”

I hate how common this question is, and I wanted to address it.

For anyone who doesn’t know, a safeword is an agreed-upon word that clearly and unambiguously means “stop immediately”. They’re often employed in kink and BDSM situations, particularly those where words like “no” and “stop” not being taken at face value is part of the game.

“Red” is a common safeword (with the accompanying “orange”/”amber” meaning pause and check in). But your safeword can be whatever you want it to be. My first one was “canary”.

A safeword is an absolute. You should never play without one, no matter how long you’ve been together, and you should never, ever ignore one. Oh, and by the way? If you haven’t explicitly agreed otherwise, “no” and “stop” are the ultimate safewords in every context.

First: no, you’re not overreacting

When a Dom has ignored your safeword, you might feel a range of different emotions. You might feel angry, sad, betrayed, frightened, numb, or something else entirely. When a Dom ignored my safeword in a scene years ago, I felt scared first, sad second, and angry much later. Your experience might look very different.

Whatever you feel, and whether the harm is physical or psychological or both, your feelings are valid. You are not overreacting.

Seek support if you need it

Do you need to talk to a kinky friend or another partner, see your therapist, or yell into the void of an anonymous online forum? You get to seek support, whatever that looks like for you.

If the consent violation occured in a public or semi-public location such as a dungeon, sex club, munch, or even a private kink party, consider telling an organiser, team member, or dungeon monitor. They should make sure you’re okay and help get you the support you need in the moment. They may also remove the perpetrator from the space and perhaps even issue a (temporary or permanent) ban.

You might also have been physically harmed. If you have been physically injured or been sexually assaulted in a way that leaves you vulnerable to an STI or an unwanted pregnancy, please seek medical attention immediately.

You don’t have to confront them (though you can)

Your only job is to take care of yourself. You don’t have to confront the person who ignored your safeword and call them out on it. But if you want to, you’re also within your rights to do so.

If telling them that what they did was fucked up and not okay, have at it. If you’d rather stay far away from them, you get to do that, too.

You don’t have to decide immediately if you’ll ever play with them again

If you ask me if I think you should give a Dom a second chance after they violate your safeword, I will always say absolutely not. I can forgive a lot of things, but this is such a complete and total annihilation of trust that I would never let that person near me ever again.

But your mileage may vary. If you feel conflicted, you don’t have to decide straight away. You get to take all the time you need and you’re allowed

Also: you’re not obligated to give them a second chance, no matter how apologetic and contrite they seem. Don’t let them guilt you into it if you don’t want to.

Their reputation is not your concern

Choosing whether to speak out publicly in the community about your experience is a very personal decision. There are good arguments on both sides and ultimately, the best choice is the one that’s right for you.

Either way, remember that their reputation is not your problem. You do not have to keep silent to protect them. You also do not have to make excuses for them or downplay what happened if you do choose to share.

Sadly, when someone speaks up and says “this Dom ignored my safeword”, some people will accuse them of exaggerating or instigating a witch-hunt. You’re not. Keep speaking your truth if you want to.

Don’t blame yourself

You might be tempted to blame yourself. You might be wondering if you didn’t say your safeword loudly or forcefully enough[1], if you should have put up more of a physical fight when the Dom continued, or if you just safeworded when it wasn’t “necessary.”

Sometimes, the D-type in question will seek to blame you, too. One common tactic amongst abusive Doms is to say something like “I knew you could take more”, “I know what you need better than you do”, or “I told you I played hard so you should have known what to expect”.

No. All of this is bullshit. The only person to blame for ignoring your safeword is the person who did it, and there is never any excuse. Kink is about consent and without ongoing, active consent, it is abuse. You get to safeword at any point for any reason and have that respected.

If you take nothing else away from this piece, please take this: it is not your fault.

[1] I want to acknowledge that there might be rare incidents where a Dom genuinely does not hear a safeword. This might happen in a loud environment like a play club. But in those circumstances, they will be mortified and apologetic and go out of their way to take care of you the moment they realise what has happened. It is also the Dom’s responsibility to ensure consent is ongoing in those environments, whether through clear non-verbal safe signals, regular check-ins, or even just choosing to play somewhere a little quieter.

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Gay flag on Christian church. For guest post on Conversion therapy.

[Guest Post] Conversion Therapy Has Rebranded and It’s Just as Dangerous by Violet Grey

Published on by Amy

I’m delighted to be welcoming the lovely and talented Violet Grey (she/her) back to Coffee & Kink with another guest post. This one, all about conversion therapy’s dangers and the rebranding of this hateful pseudoscience, is really important and also really challenging.

If you’re a straight, cis person, please take the time to read and absorb this one. If you’re queer, trans, or a conversion therapy survivor, please take care of yourself if you decide to engage with this topic <3

Amy x

Conversion Therapy Has Rebranded and It’s Just as Dangerous

TW for conversion therapy, spiritual abuse, trauma, torture, suicide

Note: This post was first published in 2021 but as of a 2025 update, conversion therapy is still legal in the UK. In the US, as of 2025, 27 states and the District of Columbia have banned conversion therapy for minors but D.C. is the only jurisdiction whose ban includes adults. However, this practice is still widespread even in areas where it is illegal.

If you’ve seen the news recently, you’ll know that conversion therapy and its dangers are back in discussion. Despite promises by the UK government to ban it back in 2018, conversion therapy is sadly still legal, with no swift action being taken to criminalise the practice. Following wider awareness and an outpouring of horrific survivor accounts, it has undergone a rebranding in recent years. But don’t be fooled: conversion therapy is as prevalent and damaging as ever. 

What is Conversion Therapy and What Are Its Dangers?

Conversion therapy (sometimes known as “gay cure therapy” or “reparative therapy”) is a pseudoscientific practice designed to change an LGBTQ+ person’s sexual orientation to heterosexual or their gender identity to cisgender. Most victims of conversion therapy are children, teenagers, and young adults.

It is usually undertaken by religious communities, and in this post I’ll be talking about Christianity as that’s my faith background and context. Sadly, conversion therapy is also occasionally carried out by medical professionals. It stems from the belief that being anything other than heterosexual and cisgender is wrong, and therefore something to be be treated. 

The medical community has denounced conversion therapy as a dangerous pseudoscience that not only doesn’t work, but also leads to PTSD, depression, anxiety, and even suicide. There are now numerous studies whose findings all point to the same conclusion: conversion therapy doesn’t work. You can’t make a queer person straight any more than you can make a straight person gay.

Being LGBTQ+ it is not a choice. It doesn’t harm children or families, and it is not caused by childhood trauma. Us queer folks just are who we are. 

What Happens in Conversion Therapy?

Programmes designed to “cure” or “repair” someone of their homosexuality or bisexuality (often referred to as SSA or “Same Sex Attraction”) or their trans identity have included, but are not limited to: 

  • Biblical “counselling“: Psychotherapy-style sessions with spiritual advice. These practitioners often have no qualifications in counselling and participants (or their parents) may have to sign a waiver acknowledging this. 
  • Praying and scripture study: Also known as “pray the gay away,” or asking God to take away the person’s Same Sex Attraction. This reinforces shame and self-loathing. 
  • Physical torture, including starvation, beatings, and electric shocks
  • Exorcism
  • Forced sterilisation and similar surgeries 
  • Chemical castration: The use of anaphrodisiac drugs to reduce a person’s libido or sexual activity, thereby “reducing homosexual urges.” Perhaps the most well-known victim of chemical castration was Alan Turing, the brilliant computer scientist who helped crack the Nazi Enigma code during World War 2. He died by suicide two years later, aged just 41.

New Branding, Same Harm: Hate the Sin, Not the Sinner

Being a bi person of faith (Christianity and Quaker teachings,) I know that not all Christians support conversion therapy. In fact, most of the religious folks I know are vehemently against it. However, it is a large, systemic problem that the church desperately needs to confront.

The rebranding of conversion therapy has been happening in the last fifteen years or so, primarily since the legalisation of same-sex marriage in many parts of the world. In that time, I have seen a noticeable shift in religious homophobic rhetoric: people have shifted from saying “being gay is a choice” to saying “God may have made you gay, but the act of homosexuality is still a sin”. They hope this will make them come across as more accepting and less hateful.

This form of conversion therapy is just as bad and has just as many dangers.

First: Love (and sex) is not a sin.

Second: It uses spiritual abuse to instill self-hatred.

Third: It leaves already vulnerable LGBTQ+ people with two equally bleak choices: a lifetime of celibacy (no romantic love, no sex, no masturbation, nothing,) or a heterosexual marriage with someone we might not even love. 

Either way the options are clear: a lifetime of misery, or a lifetime of misery. But hey, God loves you! Right? 

Conversion Therapy Under the Guise of Care is Still Hateful

In the wake of this so-called progressive new view, Biblical counselling and prayer are being championed as alternatives to the physical abuse that characterises more traditional forms of conversion therapy. However, this toxic doctrine still harms LGBTQ+ people even when it comes from the very people claiming to help them. This can include well-meaning Christians who genuinely believe they are acting out of love.

With such messages being preached from the pulpit each Sunday or taken from mistranslated Bible verses (fun fact: there are 450 English translations of the Bible!), these views will be all some Christians know. For those who come from very conservative backgrounds, they might even be considered liberal takes!

These people’s views, though I utterly condemn them, do not usually come from malice. They genuinely feel they are doing the right thing. They think they are helping. But conversion therapy doesn’t help. And its dangers are no less when it it done under the guise of love and care.

The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

This section is for those well-meaning folks who believe in “hating the sin and not the sinner.” I’m not trying to attack you or your faith. But from a fellow Christian, and a queer one at that, this approach often still amounts to conversion therapy and has the same dangers. It is still hurting people. We need to acknowledge this. Only then can we enact positive change.

Sadly, this doctrine of “tolerance, but not really” further reinforces self-hatred in the name of love. It reinforces distress that shouldn’t be there in the first place. It is not justifiable with any of Jesus’ teachings. 

We are called to love our neighbour and consider the fruit we bear. If the fruit we produce leads to trauma, self-loathing, or even suicide, we can’t dig our heels in with, “But the Bible says…!” There is no Biblical justification for the torture we as a community have, and continue to, put LGBTQ+ people through.  Who are we as Christians to condemn consenting adults to a life of misery for who they love?

Breaking Up with Toxic Doctrine

The Biblical passages most often used to justify homophobia – Leviticus, Romans 1, 1 Corinthians, and the story of Sodom and Gomorrah – were never about queerness. They are about sexual violence and abuse of power. 

We are using the Bible as a weapon when it was never meant to be. The Bible is a document with a rich history, full of context and nuance, as well as a religious text. Biblical literalism is killing people. If we want to try to be more Christ-like, we need to focus on what Jesus was about: love. 

Despite this rebranded conversion therapy rhetoric and its dangers, it’s not all bad news. There is a shift towards some churches becoming LGBTQ+ affirming. Progressives, both clergy members and parishioners, are leading the way. However, of course, there is also a backlash against this progress. So while we are making positive baby steps as Christians, we’ve still got a long way to go. 

About the Writer

Violet Grey is 20-something lady who loves to write. She writes erotic fiction, along with real-life sex stories and thoughts on sexuality, kink, BDSM, and whatever else is on her mind. Check out her blog!

Did you find Violet’s insights on the Christian church’s rebranding of conversion therapy and its dangers valuable? Supporting the blog with tips and shopping with my affiliates help me to keep paying occasional guest bloggers for their work.

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Five Lessons I’ve Learned About Reclaiming Pleasure After Sexual Assault

Published on by Amy

Pleasure can be far from simple for all kinds of reasons. After sexual assault, finding joy in your sexuality again and reclaiming pleasure can feel almost impossible.

This post comes with a trigger warning for abuse, trauma, and sexual violence. It mostly focuses on healing rather than assault itself, though I have included some brief details of my own experiences. It also comes with a disclaimer that, although I am both a survivor and a trauma-informed sexuality writer and educator, I am not a psychotherapist, psychologist, or any form of medical or mental health professional.

The first, last, and most important thing I want you to take away from this post is this: your journey is your own and wherever you are now is okay.

There is no correct way to recover from sexual trauma and there is no set path. Everyone’s experience is different and numerous factors impact healing. To that end, this is not a how-to guide. It’s just a set of lessons I’ve learned that have helped me in my ongoing journey towards healing. Maybe they’ll help you too. Or maybe you’ll find something completely different that works for you! Either way is wonderful.

Reclaiming Pleasure is Not a Linear Journey

It’s not a straight line. You won’t just get better and better each day until suddenly you wake up and find that you’re fully healed. At least, I don’t know any survivors whose experience has been this way.

You’ll have good days and bad days. Sometimes you might feel like you take two steps forward and one back. All of this is normal. Pleasure after sexual assault is complicated, multi-faceted, and messy. You don’t need to berate yourself because it’s harder today than it was yesterday.

Be where you are today. Wherever that is, it’s okay.

A Healthy Sexual Relationship With Yourself Can Be Immensely Healing

Sex doesn’t have to involve another person unless you want it to. In fact, masturbation and other forms of self-touch – both sexual and non-sexual – can be a really important part of healing from sexual violence and reclaiming pleasure as a radical act of self-love after trauma.

Masturbation and solo sex is something you do entirely for yourself. You don’t have to perform or worry about pleasing someone else. You don’t even need to involve your genitals at all, if you don’t want to. The only agenda is to touch yourself in the ways that feel good, and stop when you want to stop.

Self-touch is a wonderful way to get to know ourselves, to be kind and loving and gentle with ourselves. Pay attention to your body and what feels good. Do you just want to run your hands over your skin for now? Perfect, do that. Does using a wand vibrator through your clothes help you access pleasure in a way that feels safe? Amazing.

Your Healing is For You and You Don’t Owe It to Anyone Else

Many survivors feel anxious to recover from or “get over” their experiences because they want to be able to give their partner sex (or certain kind of sex.) Sometimes this pressure comes from the partner. Other times, the partner is completely supportive and this pressure is internal.

Either way: your healing is for you.

Yes, it’s wonderful to be able to share awesome sex with your partner(s) if you want to. But ultimately, your sexuality is your own. Reclaiming pleasure after sexual assault has to be for yourself first. No-one has the right to access to your body. Not even if you’ve been married for fifty years.

You can heal with other people. In fact, love and support are virtually essential for recovering from trauma. But you can’t heal for somebody else, and you don’t owe your partner(s) a certain kind of recovery.

There is No “Correct” Version of Healthy Sexuality

Pleasure is personal and it can look countless different ways. A healthy relationship with your sexuality means something different to everyone.

Sadly a lot of people still believe that the only correct way to have sex is for that sex to be penetrative, heterosexual, monogamous, vanilla, and within the context of a serious relationship. Survivors of trauma who identify as queer, non-monogamous, kinky, asexual, demisexual, or highly sexual may find themselves pathologised, with professionals and loved ones alike attributing their identities and experiences to their trauma. This is tremendously damaging to survivors and is another form of taking away our agency.

Reclaiming pleasure after trauma means that you get to decide how your sexuality looks. If it’s happy, risk-aware, and consensual, you’re doing it right.

The Hardest Lesson About Reclaiming Pleasure After Sexual Assault: Some Things Might Never Go Back to the Way They Were

I still grieve for the Amy who never met her abusers. I still grieve for the version of me who didn’t get pressured into sex in her teens, who didn’t lose half her twenties to psychological abuse, who didn’t get raped at a party in her thirties. Honestly? I probably always will.

When it comes to reclaiming pleasure, the hardest thing for me to learn was that some things will never be the way they might have been in that alternate timeline.

Because abuse, assault, violence? It changes us. It has a deep, profound, and lasting impact. I know that the things I’ve experienced will, in some ways, be with me forever. I’ll never go back to the way I was before. Not completely.

But I am starting, in some small ways, to be okay with that. Nothing stays the same forever, and every experience we have shapes and molds us. So no, I’ll never be the person I might have been without those experiences. But I can grow into someone else. She might even be someone great.

If you need crisis support after sexual violence, please contact RAINN in the USA and Rape Crisis in the UK.

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What is Consent? 10 Fundamentals Everyone Needs to Understand

Published on by Amy

Most of us think we know what consent is. But when you start to look at it more closely, the “what is consent?” question becomes murkier and far more complex.

Today I want to share ten basic but essential fundamentals that I wish everybody understood.

Content note: this one contains discussion of sexual violence and a reference to murder.

It’s not just about sex

Consent is vital when it comes to sex, of course. But if we only apply consent to sex, we’re missing out a whole bunch of really vital steps.

Instead, I’d like us to conceptualise consent as something we apply in all areas of our lives. If your child doesn’t want to hug or kiss a relative, don’t make them. When your partner tells you they HATE being tickled, don’t take it as a challenge. If your friend has decided to quit alcohol, don’t push them to drink. And so on and so on.

If we normalise respecting people’s choices and autonomy in all areas of life, it becomes easier to normalise informed consent as a minimum standard for sex.

It’s contextual

Consent to something in one context doesn’t imply consent to it in another. I might love my partner casually grabbing my ass in the kitchen while we’re cooking dinner. It doesn’t mean I want them to do it when I’m on a work call!

Never assume that consent in Context A implies consent in Context B. Always ask if you’re not sure.

It’s not transferable

Consent is inherently person-specific. In other words, consenting to something with one person doesn’t mean you’ll agree to it with someone else. This one should really be self-evident. Unfortunately, in a world where prior consensual sexual activity with someone else is still widely used to discredit survivors of sexual violence, it still needs reiterating.

It’s reversible

Consent is not meaningful if it cannot be revoked. In other words, all parties must be able to stop the activity at any point. That might mean ending an interaction, changing up the activity, or even walking away from a relationship entirely.

I don’t care if you’re the most Twue Real D/s Couple that ever existed. Consent is never, ever, ever irreversible. If it can’t be revoked, you don’t have a relationship, you have a hostage situation.

It must be informed

Consent without all pertinent information isn’t really consent.

Years ago, I saw a new-ish submissive agree to engage in a particular kink with a Dominant who said they had years of experience. It later came out that the Dominant had lied and had hardly any experience at all. This rendered the consent the submissive had given meaningless, because it was given under false pretences.

In other words, lying or deliberately omitting information in order to obtain someone’s consent makes it meaningless.

It’s specific

Consent to Activity A doesn’t imply consent to Activity B. If I’ve consented to kiss you, that doesn’t mean you can stick your hand down my pants without asking. If I say you can tie me up, that doesn’t mean you also get to spank me unless I say you can. And so on.

Never assume that someone is up for something based on their having consented to something different. If there’s any doubt, ask or check in.

It’s about much more than just “not saying no”

Sadly, I still hear “but she/he/they didn’t say no” as a defence when consent has been violated. Here’s the thing: consent is about much more than just the absence of a “no”.

Is the other person actively engaged in what you’re doing together? Are they responding positively? If not, pause and check in. If they shrug, say something non-committal, or otherwise seem uncomfortable, stop.

It’s everyone’s responsibility

Standard sex education is too often based on a “boys push, girls say no” model. But this is a gross over-simplification of what consent is and how it works.

Bottom line? It’s everyone’s responsibility. Never make assumptions about what someone might be “up for” based on their gender or any other characteristic.

It has limits

As a general rule, I’m a proponent of allowing informed, consenting adults to make the best decisions for themselves. However, this principle has its limits. Following the murder of Grace Millane, the UK outlawed use of the so-called “rough sex defence” in murder trials.

Here’s a great article from my friend Franki Cookney on why the rough sex defence is an antithesis to what consensual kink is all about. The bottom line? Fun, consensual kink play doesn’t cause serious harm. People cannot consent to GBH or death.

You’ll mess it up sometimes

This is the hardest one to swallow, and yet the most essential. We are, all of us, human and imperfect. I’ve made consent mistakes in the past, and I’m sure you have too.

Here’s the thing: making a mistake or fucking up in good faith doesn’t make you a garbage person. It makes you human. Apologise, change your behaviour, and learn from the incident so you don’t cause the same harm again.

What we can do is to do our best in all circumstances. This way, when we make a mistake it’s likely to be relatively minor, rather than an enormous violation that will cause someone else untold damage.

What do you wish someone had taught you about consent?

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This post is part of my Sex Ed September series, where I’ll be sharing educational content all month long. If you find my work valuable, buying me a coffee help keeps the lights on at C&K HQ.