You may recall that I reviewed a series ofproducts from Bijoux Indiscrets’ Slow Sex range almost two years ago. Since then, new items have been added to the line and a few of them arrived for me to test this week.
First up: the Slow Sex Massage Candle. This little candle in a tin comes attractively packaged in a Slow Sex-branded box.
Ingredients
I’m always curious about the ingredients in products like this, so let’s take a close look at everything that’s in the Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Massage Candle.
Prunus Amygdalus Dulcis oil: A carrier oil extracted from almond seeds, used as an emollient (skin softener) and for moisture retention.
Stearic acid: A fatty acid derived from both plant and animal fats (Bijoux is an all-vegan company, so uses plant-based stearic acid.) Functions as an emollient and emulsifier (stabiliser) as well as a texture enhancer.
Butyrospermum Parkii butter: AKA Shea butter, an emollient and a powerful moisturiser that’s particularly great for dry skin
Aroma: This is what’s added to the product to makes it smell nice.
Glycine Soja oil: AKA soybean oil, this non-fragrant plant oil is an emollient and an antioxidant which can help skin to stay hydrated.
Squalene: An oil compound found in some fish oils but also in some vegetable oils and which is an excellent skin hydrator.
Glyceryl Stearate SE: A stabiliser, emulsifier, and emollient. SE stands for “self-emulsifying,” which means it blends with water without the need for additional emulsifying ingredients.
Tocopherol: A pure form of Vitamin E, with many skincare benefits including hydration, moisturising, and antioxidation.
Beta-sitosterol: A fatty acid derived from plants that’s a great moisturisor and can sooth irritated or damaged skin.
In short, nothing but body-safe, skin-friendly, and plant-based ingredients.
In Use
The Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Massage Candle melts quickly once you light it. On the first use, I had plenty of useable oil within less than a minute. When I wanted to top up on oil mid-massage, it took no more than 10-15 seconds of the candle being lit to get the amount I needed. The box says to light it for 15 minutes but honestly, unless you want the entire thing melted, that’s not even close to necessary. Any oil you don’t use will just harden again as it cools, ready for next time.
Both my girlfriend and I loved the subtly coconutty scent of this candle. It’s distinctive without being obstrusive or overpowering, and helps to create a lovely romantic, relaxed vibe as it permeates your space.
Our skin felt wonderfully soft and moisturised after trading massages, and I still kept catching little whiffs of the scent hours later.
I often struggle with oily sensations for sensory reasons, but the Bijoux Indiscrets Massage Candle’s oil doesn’t leave my skin feeling unpleasantly greasy because it soaks in so well. An oil-based product that doesn’t have me running to wash it off my hands? That’s an achievement in itself.
Because there’s no wax in this candle, you can also use it as a moisturiser or as a fragrant addition to a bath if you like.
Is this the Same as a Wax Play Candle?
No.
Well, it’s similar insofar as you light the candle and then drip it onto your partner’s body as it melts. However, the melting point of the oils in this candle is lower than that of paraffin or even soy wax, meaning that – even if you drip it from very close to your partner’s skin – you’ll get a pleasant warmth rather than an “ouch.”
This candle also doesn’t actually contain any wax. The oil will start to harden again as it hits the body, but as soon as you run your hands over it, it’ll melt again and start to be absorbed into the skin as you massage. This means that, unlike with wax play, there’s no cleanup afterwards. You won’t even need to shower if you don’t want to, and leaving the oils on your skin for longer means you can keep enjoying their skincare benefits as well as the gorgeous scent.
Any Downsides?
Due to the oils it contains, this massage candle is not compatible with latex or polyisoprene (though it’s okay with polyurethane.) This means you’ll need to be careful if you’re using barriers such as condoms or dams.
I also didn’t love the slight black residue you get on the inside of the tin and across the top of the candle when it’s been burning a few minutes. It doesn’t really get on your skin in any noticeable way, but it looks a bit yuck.
How Long Will It Last?
Depending on how generous you like to go with your oil, you’ll probably get 4-5 massages out of one candle. You could make it last a little longer by going lighter on your coverage, but more is definitely more here in my experience!
Verdict
At €20/£18, the Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Massage Candle is a little pricey. But it’s also a lovely luxurious little treat which makes a great addition to trading massages with your partner. When it runs out, I’d seriously consider spending money on getting another one.
Thanks to Bijoux Indiscrets for sending me this product to review. All views, as always, mine. Affiliate links appear in this post.
“I’d love to start exploring BDSM, but all the gear is so expensive!” is a complaint I hear from new and curious kinksters all the time. “I don’t even know what I like yet, how can I get started without dropping hundreds of pounds on things I might not enjoy?”
And I hear you, budget-conscious newbie. Perhaps you’ve perused your local fetish market and picked up artisan floggers, hand-dyed natural fiber ropes, or vintage violet wands, then shuddered at the price tags.
I absolutely love beautiful, unique, one-of-a-kind kink items and I believe we should all be supporting our favourite indie creators within the community. Once you know you enjoy impact play, for example, that buttery soft leather flogger with a hand-turned handle might be a worthwhile investment that will serve you well for many years. But when you’re just starting out, that can be a prohibitive amount of money to drop on a “well, that might be fun…”
Budget constraints and curiosity sometimes lead new kinksters to improvise. Some pervertables are fine, of course, but in other cases using household items for kink can be dangerous.
What is a BDSM Starter Kit or Bondage Kit for Beginners?
A BDSM starter kit might also be called a “bondage kit.” In short, it’s a collection of kink items bundled together in a package designed to help you explore.
Some of the items you might find in a beginners’ BDSM or bondage kit include:
Every BDSM starter kit is slightly different. You’ll need to choose the best one for you depending on your needs, budget, and interests.
How Can a Beginners’ Bondage Kit Help You to Explore?
What is it that interests you about bondage, kink, or BDSM?
If I asked this question to ten different newcomers to the world of kink, I would probably get ten very different answers. That’s because BDSM is a vast and varied world, encompassing all kinds of activities from impact play to power exchange, shibari to sensation play, and so much more.
This vastness is exciting, but can also be overwhelming and confusing. Investing in a BDSM starter kit can be a great place to start for several reasons.
Variety Without the Price-Tag
A kit allows you to try several different things at an affordable price. Perhaps you think you might be into pain, but you also fancy the idea of getting tied up… ooh, and that “wax play” thing sounds exciting, too! A good BDSM starter kit gives you an entry point for several different kinks.
This way, when you find something you like, you can explore it further. And if you find something isn’t for you, then you’ve learned something valuable about your desires without having spent a lot of money on a toy that will languish in the back of the bedroom closet.
Easy and Convenient
A beginners’ bondage kit or BDSM kit takes the guesswork out of kinky shopping. When you’re new, you don’t always know what you don’t know, and trying to buy toys can be confusing at best. A kit gives you an easy, one-stop place to get started.
Staying Safe
As I touched on above, improvising your kinky toys can be dangerous. Spanking your partner with a wooden spoon is likely fine, but did you know that tying someone up with a silk scarf is actually much less safe than using proper bondage rope?
Bondage kits sold by reputable retailers include products specially designed for kinky play that will help you to stay safe as long as you observe basic precautions and practice RACK (that’s Risk Aware Consensual Kink, FYI.)
Get Inspired
It’s a cliché, but a truism, that the brain is the body’s biggest and most important sexual organ. The real magic of BDSM isn’t just the feel of a flogger across your back or cuffs tightening around your wrists, but what’s happening in your mind – and in your dynamic with your partner(s) – as those things happen.
Your BDSM kit might contain items you’ve never thought to use before, and this can spark all kinds of ideas, fantasies, and inspiration.
Choose the Best Bondage Kit for You
Ready to dive in? Here are a few things you’ll want to take into consideration in choosing the best bondage kit for you.
Think about the aspects of kink that interest you the most, and prioritise. If your primary interest is in restraint, you’ll want a kit that includes ropes and/or cuffs. If you’re more interested in pain, choose a kit that comes with paddles, floggers, or crops.
Aesthetic
Yes, it matters! BDSM is a very personal thing, and different aesthetics resonate with different people. If you’re after a darker, more atmospheric mood, an all-black set might suit you. If, on the other hand, you prefer a more colourful and playful feel, you might like reds, pinks or purples. Then there are completely offbeat options, like this denim set!
This post was kindly sponsored by Whipple Tickle. You can shop bondage kits as well as sex toys, lingerie, kink gear, and more at their site. All views and writing are, as always, mine.
I originally wrote this review of the Lovehoney “Best Sex of Your Life” sex toy advent calendar for couples as 24 separate posts. However, I’ve now combined them all into one as they were becoming unweildy and clogging up my blog archives.
I’m so excited to have received the Lovehoney “Best Sex of Your Life” sex toy advent calendar for couples! This treasure trove of sexy goodies comes with 24 numbered windows, each containing a sex toy, kink product, or other sexy item.
This kit is geared towards couples where one person has a penis and the other has a vulva, but many of the items are flexible and unisex. Mr C&K and I are going to be opening one door at a time for the next 24 days and sharing a mini review each day, then I’ll publish an overall review of the whole set at the end.
Day 1: Rechargeable Bullet Vibrator
Let’s dive in and see what’s behind the first door of Lovehoney’s 2021 sex toy advent calendar…
Today we’re looking at Door #1, which contained a small bullet vibrator. Here’s a quick rundown of the details:
Material: ABS plastic
Colour: Shiny red with a gold Lovehoney heart insignia.
The vibe comes with a USB charging cable and you get around 60 minutes use on a full charge. It operates on a one-button interface located in the base, and offers three constant speeds and seven patterns. To switch it on, you have to hold down the button until the light flashes, then give it another quick press. Press to cycle through settings, then press and hold to turn the toy off.
Power-wise, I’m significantly more impressed than I expected to be! This toy packs a decent punch, given its small size and low price point. It sits midway along the buzz-to-rumble scale, offering strong and non-numbing vibrations though not quite hitting that deep, penetrating rumble that so many people love. It’s a little loud, so bear that in mind if you live in a shared space or need to keep the noise down.
The target market for this set is primarily people and couples without much experience of sex toys, perhaps just exploring or looking to start their collection, so I’m approaching this review series through that lens. This is a great bullet vibrator for beginners, powerful enough to hit the spot but compact, non-threatening, and easy to use.
If you enjoy penetrative sex, this bullet is small enough to slide between bodies for extra clitoral stimulation. And remember that vibes aren’t just for clits! You can also use your bullet vibrator on the labia, nipples, penis, balls, perineum, or literally any other body part that feels good. (Don’t insert it anally, though – it’s not safe for that as it doesn’t have a flared base).
Bottom line: it’s body-safe. It can get me off reliably. And it’s small and light enough to throw in my bag for a playdate or weekend away.
Day 2: Adjustable Cock Ring
Today’s sex toy advent calendar surprise is an adjustable silicone cock ring. Let’s start with some basic details.
Material: Silicone with an ABS plastic slider
Colour: Red
Body safe? Yes – silicone is body-safe and non-porous.
A quick primer for beginners: the purpose of a cock ring is to restrict blood flow out of an erect penis. Some people report that cock rings help them to keep an erection for longer, make their penis feel harder, and provide extra pleasure for the wearer by increasing sensitivity. Some people believe they also help with erectile dysfunction, though research on this is spotty.
Cock rings sometimes come with vibrations and all kinds of fun additional features, but this one is as straightforward as it gets. Just slide it on and you’re good to go.
The beauty of this simple cock ring is that it’s completely adjustable and will fit all penis sizes. Simply press the easy-to-use button on the slider, and tug on the loop end to loosen or the tail ends to tighten. It’s also stretchy, so you can put it on before you’re fully hard and it will stretch to comfortably accommodate your erection.
The silicone is comfortable enough to wear once it’s in place, but is quite “grabby” on the skin as you slide it on. Apply water-based lube to the ring and/or to your penis before you put it on.
If you’ve never worn a cock ring before, experiment with different placements. Try it around the base of your penis in front of the balls, or behind the balls for an extra squeeze. Different people have different preferences, so see what feels best for you. Using this adjustable cock ring should not hurt. If you feel pain, readjust or stop.
If you’ve never used a cock ring before, then this one is a great place to start. You can start off with a looser fit and experiment to see which placing and what level of tightness feels best. Simple but effective, plus durable and long-lasting. Similar rings retail on Lovehoney for around £9.99.
Day 3: Starry Eyed Blindfold
This sex toy advent calendar set is aimed at a pairing of one penis owner and one vulva owner (sort out the gendered language, Lovehoney, please!) But many of the items are unisex and can be enjoyed by people with all sorts of bodies.
Let’s sneak a peek behind Door #3…
Behind Door #3 is a red blindfold with little star and Lovehoney heart insignia embellishments. It’s a limited edition variation on the Lovehoney Oh! Blindfold, which has an RRP of £5.99. The aesthetic is cute and a little festive (which makes sense, given this set is a Christmas release).
The Starry Eyed Blindfold is satin on the outside and some sort of soft, fuzzy material on the inside, and has black elastic straps to hold it in place. It feels soft, plushy, and comfortable to wear. The fabric is pretty cheap and already starting to pull at the edges and some of the stitching is coming loose after a trial run, though, so I don’t expect it to last all that long.
Blindfolds are a staple of kinky play for many people. This is for a couple of reasons. First, some believe that blocking out one sense heightens the others. Second, not knowing what your partner is going to do next adds an extra layer of excitement and anticipation if you’re playing with power in some way.
This blindfold isn’t really quite big enough to block vision completely. However I position it, I can see out of the top or bottom at least a little bit. It also lets quite a lot of light in. If you want complete sensory deprivation, you’ll be disappointed (try a Mindfold or similar for that!)
But this whole set is really for beginners, so I’m trying to approach it through that lens. If you’re brand new to playing with any kind of BDSM, this blindfold is a fine low-intensity starting point to see if you enjoy sensory deprivation and want to explore it further. Want to kick things up a notch? Try adding earplugs or combining your blindfold with light bondage.
I don’t think this blindfold is going to be a bedroom staple for me. However, it does double nicely as a sleep mask, so that’s something.
Day 4: Sex Dice
Though this sex toy advent calendar set is gendered (I really wish they’d stop doing that!) and assumes a cisgender, heterosexual couple, many of the items can be used by people of all genders and body types.
So what’s behind Door #4?
Door #4 contains a pair of sex dice. The first die names a different body part on each side, and the second names various actions to do to those body parts. The idea is that you take turns to roll, then do the actions you land on.
I’ve never really got the point of the whole “sex dice” thing, personally. I can see that they maybe make sense, in a certain light, if you’re brand new to exploring each others’ bodies. I can also see these being a useful starting point for a couple who are struggling to communicate about their likes and desires, or for those who like plenty of laughs alongside their moans. But the whole system just feels too contrived and gamified to be sexy to me. I’d rather just communicate and do what feels good, personally.
But your mileage may vary! And if this seems like a useful way in (or the idea of being dommed by a pair of dice feels hot to you), then have at it.
The actual acts on these dice are fine, if a little unimaginative. They mostly involve doing different things with your mouth (lick, blow, nibble, kiss) or occasionally hands (massage) to the most common erogenous zones (penis/clitoris, nipples, inner thigh, butt, neck).
The nature of this sort of game means you do occasionally get baffling combinations or those that wouldn’t work for a lot of people. I do NOT want anyone nibbling my clitoris, thank you. Ouch! But if you get a combo that doesn’t work for you, you can always just reroll.
Perfectly fine, but not really my thing.
Door 5: Slimline Silicone Butt Plug
Despite the annoyingly gendered marketing, many of the items in this sex toy advent calendar set are suitable for folks of any gender and with any body parts. Let’s open up Door #5, shall we?
Today’s surprise is a slimline silicone butt plug. Let’s start with some quick basic details:
Material: Silicone.
Colour: Black.
Body safe? Yes – silicone is body-safe and non-porous. This also means it’s safe to share this plug with a partner as long as you sterilise it properly between uses.
Power: N/A
Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
Size: 4.5″ in total length, 1.3″ in diameter at widest point.
The gently tapered design and slim neck make this plug easy to insert and comfortable to wear, and the silicone is soft and high quality. It is middling-firm to the touch, with some flex towards the tip and plenty of flex in the neck.
The cool thing about this butt plug is that it features a sling style base, allowing you to use it in conjuction with the bullet vibrator from day 1. You’ll need to push quite firmly to get the vibe into the sleeve, but once it’s in it stays put securely. It will also pair with any slim bullet vibe you have in your collection.
The silicone transmits vibrations very effectively on all settings, allowing you to experiment with a range of anal play sensations. Whether you use the plug on its own or with the vibe, don’t forget to use tonnes of lube. I recommend a thick water-based lube designed for anal play, such as Sliquid Sassy.
This is a great butt plug for beginners or toybag staple for more experienced folks. Use it by itself for anal exploration, or leave it in while you do other things such as hand sex, oral sex, or penetrative play.
Yes, Door #5 is a winner!
Day 6: Kegel Balls
This sex toy advent calendar set assumes that couples consist of a “man and woman” (i.e. penis owner and vulva owner, because cis-centric gendered marketing is still annoyingly a thing). But in reality, many of the items are suitable for all genders and types of bodies.
So what will we find behind Door #6?
Kegel balls, also known as Ben-wa balls, are fascinating. These small balls, designed to sit inside the vagina, come with a tonne of intense claims as to their benefits, but very little robust science to back those claims up. I dived into the available literature (there isn’t much) a while back, but here’s the short version:
The claims: Kegel balls strengthen the pelvic floor, help prevent or fix urinary incontinence, improve sexual satisfaction, and make it easier to orgasm.
The reality: Eh…. maybe? Research on the incontinence thing is limited and contradictory in its findings, and there’s virtually no evidence one way or the other (beyond anecdotal) for the “improved sexual pleasure” thing.
So what’s the point of kegel balls, then? As a sexuality writer without any background in medicine or gynecology, I approach kegel balls as a sex toy rather than a health and wellness product. And from that perspective, there’s a great reason to use them: they can feel good!
With that out of the way, let’s dive into the review, shall we?
Material: Both the balls and their sling are silicone.
Colour: Red balls, black sling.
Body safe? Yes. Silicone is body-safe, hygienic, and non-porous.
Power: N/A
Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
Size: 3″ insertable with a 4″ tail. Each ball is 1.2″ in diameter.
This set consists of two kegel balls fitted into a silicone sling. The nice thing about this design is that you can use the balls on their own (together or one at a time) or with the sling. The sling features a long tail for easy retrieval.
Some people use kegel balls anally, but I really, really don’t recommend it. One of the balls could easily come loose from the sling and get stuck. These are for vaginal use only.
You can use kegel balls in a few different ways. Here are some I suggest you might want to try:
Wear them for an hour or so before you have sex to heighten arousal and get yourself in the mood.
Wear them as you go about your day for a little thrill of sexual excitement each time you move. Start with a short amount of time and build up to longer wear if you want to, and stop immediately if you feel pain or discomfort.
If you’re into anal play, wear kegel balls in your vagina while you do butt stuff for additional pleasure.
However you explore with them, use plenty of lube and always clean them thoroughly between uses. Not keeping them clean (or inserting them with dirty hands) could lead to an infection.
This is a nice enough set of beginner-friendly kegel balls. Unlike some I’ve tried, they’re not weighted and don’t have any moving parts inside, so the stimulation they provide is very gentle. This isn’t a criticism, it’s just… a thing worth bearing in mind. They’re small enough to be non-intimidating, made of a body-safe and easy-clean material, and are comfortable to insert and easy to retrieve. A worthy addition to the calendar!
Day 7: Beaded Stroker
This sex toy advent calendar set of 24 sex toys and sex-related surprises is aimed primarily at couples who are newer to sex toys, and assumes one penis owner and one vulva owner, though many of the items are usable by anyone.
So what do we have closing out week 1?
Today’s product is a beaded stroker for people with penises. Here’s a quick rundown of the details:
Material: “Soft plastic”, which I think means some kind of TPE or TPR.
Colour: Semi-translucent black.
Body safe? Dubious. Lovehoney claims this material does not contain phthalates, but it is definitely porous. I’m less leery about porous materials for external-only toys such as strokers, but it’s less than ideal. It probably won’t hurt you but it won’t stay hygienic for very long so don’t expect it to last forever.
Power: N/A
Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
Size: 5″ in total length, very stretchy.
Lube compatible: I suggest you only use water-based lube with this one.
Cleaning: Gentle soap and warm water. The porous material means this one will never get 100% clean, so don’t sterilise it and expect to replace it after a few uses.
This stroker contains two rows of small metal beads designed to stimulate the shaft of the penis as you masturbate (or give your partner a hand job). These offer a different and interesting sensation from a regular stroker or using your hand.
Don’t be fooled by the Beaded Stroker’s small opening – it’s very stretchy and flexible and will accommodate dicks of most sizes. Here it is around the large and girthy Godemiche Adam to illustrate my point:
You’ll definitely need to use plenty of lube regardless of your size. This material is quite grabby when it’s not properly lubricated, and that can cause the wrong kind of friction. If you’ve got a foreskin, be especially careful, as using a stroker without sufficient lube can cause it to pull back too far (ouch).
Speaking from the giver’s perspective, using a stroker can ease pressure on your wrist and make it easier to jerk your partner off for longer without discomfort. Win-win!
This toy seems to be a variation on Lovehoney’s BASICS Beaded Stroker, which retails for £12.99. It’s perfectly fine as an introduction to masturbators for individuals and couples who are newer to sex toys. If you enjoy using it, though, I really suggest that you invest in a silicone stroker. This will last far longer as well as being safer and more hygienic.
Day 8: Spanking Paddle
It’s the start of the second week of this sex toy advent calendar unboxing, and we’re about to open Door #8…
We’re getting a little kinky today, with Door 8 revealing a mini spanking paddle. The paddle is red and made of a satiny material on one side, adorned with starts and Lovehoney hearts to match last week’s blindfold. The other side is a leather-like material. I think this is faux rather than of animal origin, but I wouldn’t swear to that. It measures 9″ in total length, not including the black ribbon loop, and 2″ across at the widest point. Its main body is firm with a very small amount of flex.
This paddle’s bark is worse than its bite, so to speak. It makes an impressively loud slapping noise (something to be aware of if you have family or roommates at home!) but the sensation it delivers is pretty gentle. The satin side offers a gentler sensation (great for sensation play, if pain isn’t your thing) and the leather side is slightly more bitey.
I say the above with the awareness that pain is entirely subjective and everyone’s experience is different. I enjoy pain sometimes, but I’m not a hardcore masochist by any stretch. The best way to figure out how painful something is for you or your partner is to start out with a few light swats and then build up to your desired level from there. If you want a gentle tickle without any real “ouch” behind it, this paddle can offer that. If you want a more intense sting, you’ll have to put some power behind it or switch to a harder paddle.
As a spanking paddle for complete BDSM beginners and people who prefer the less ouchy kind of kink, it’s fine. I’m not convinced it will last very long in good condition or stand up to any kind of hard play, but it’s also cute, non-threatening, and safe to use as long as you communicate and exercise a little common sense.
Day 9: Vanilla Scented Candle
Behind Door #9 of Lovehoney’s 2021 sex toy advent calendar is a vanilla scented candle designed to set the mood for a romantic evening and fill your room with a lovely vanilla fragrance. The scent is pretty strong, so you might want to skip this one if you have any kind of fragrance sensitivity. Assuming you like the smell of vanilla, it’s pleasant enough and not too “artificial” smelling.
Is this candle safe for wax play?
Being the kinky fucker that I am, my thought when I see a candle in a sex-related context is less “romantic mood lighting” and more “drip it on my skin!” So is this candle suitable for wax play (a BDSM activity involving dripping melted candle wax on your partner or yourself)?
Short answer: I can’t see any reason why not.
This candle contains just two ingredients: soy wax and vanilla bean fragrance. Soy wax is very popular for wax play because it has a fairly low melting point – typically 120-160°F (49-71°C) – and cools quickly on contact with the skin. Additives such as fragrances and colourants can impact the melting point significantly so if you want to experiment with wax play, it’s safest to buy bondage candles rather than just using anything you have lying around at home.
I tried out this candle on my arm to assess its wax play potential. Dropped from a height of about 8 inches, the wax was just slightly warm when it hit my skin and cooled in a flash. Obviously, the lower the height, the warmer the wax will be. But from a temperature perspective, this candle seems pretty safe. Assuming you’re not allergic or sensitive to soy and fragrances, you should be fine.
Actually, the biggest issue with this candle from a wax play perspective is that the tin gets warm when it’s been lit for a while. So if you want to use it for that, I suggest you do so as quickly after lighting it as possible.
Be aware that soy wax can be a little sticky, so leave time for clean up. Also, the scent clings to skin quite strongly! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and sniff my currently vanilla-scented arm some more…
Day 10: Jewelled Butt Plug
Today’s sex toy advent calendar door contains the second anal toy in this collection so far: a metal jewelled butt plug.
Material: “Metal” (unspecified, likely an alloy of some description.)
Colour: Gold body with a red gem base.
Body safe? Likely yes. Metal toys are non-porous and broadly non-toxic. Many metal alloy toys contain nickel, though, so avoid it if you’re allergic or sensitive.
Power: N/A
Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
Size: 3″ in total length, 1.1″ in diameter at widest point.
Lube compatible: Yes, water-based, oil-based, or silicone-based lubes are all fine.
Cleaning: A body-safe medical wipe or a 10% bleach solution. I wouldn’t boil it as this might damage the glue holding the gem in place.
This plug is surprisingly light for a metal piece, so don’t go in expecting the heft and weight of a stainless steel toy. Its classic butt plug shape with tapered tip makes it easy to insert and comfortable to wear, while the narrow neck and broad base hold it safely and securely in place. You might find that the base digs into your butt cheeks after a while, so this probably isn’t a plug for all-day wear.
The bright red gem in the base is super pretty if you (like me) enjoy sparkly things. The red and gold colour scheme matches the rest of the set’s aesthetic and is pleasingly seasonal.
Hot (or cold) tip: experiment with temperature by popping your plug in the fridge for a few minutes or running it under warm water before use. Just remember that for anal play, tonnes of lube is essential.
A cute and playful plug for beginners to anal play or anyone who enjoys smaller yet rigid butt toys.
Day 11: Mini G-Spot Vibrator
This is the first vibrating toy in this sex toy advent calendar since Day 1’s bullet vibrator. Exciting! Let’s start with a few basic stats:
Material: ABS plastic
Colour: Black.
Body safe? Yes. ABS plastic is non-porous and non-toxic.
This plastic G-spot vibrator features a straight handle and curved, gently tapered tip for precision stimulation. If you prefer girthy toys or very deep stimulation, it won’t do much for you, but for basic vibrating G-spot action it’s perfectly serviceable.
I don’t love that it requires adisposable battery, partly for environmental reasons (rechargeable toys are so much more eco-friendly) and partly because having to hunt around for batteries before a masturbation sesh is super annoying. But to be fair, if anyone reads the small print on the advent calendar’s box, it does warn you that you’ll need a battery for one of the items. Inserting and changing the battery is easy. Simply unscrew the top and bottom halves of the toy, pop your battery in, and screw it back up again.
The controls are a simple twist mechanism. Turn until the little arrow on the side points to “on” or “off”. This vibe has only one speed. It’s actually reasonable, power-wise, for a one-AA-battery basic vibe, though much buzzier than I prefer. Volume-wise, it’s not too bad, though it does make a slight “rattly” noise when I press it hard against my body.
If, like me, you find that internal vibrations don’t do much for you, this G-spot vibrator also works well as a clitoral toy. Use the side of the shaft for broad stimulation and the tip for more precision. Of course, it’s also good for penises, balls, and anywhere else where vibrations feel good. (Not butts, though – this toy is not anal safe).
Day 12: Penis Stroker
Behind Door #12 of Lovehoney’s sex toy advent calendar is a stroker for people with penises. (It’s called a “male stroker” on the box. Lovehoney, I love you but please sort out the unnecessarily gendered language for next year!)
Material: Some kind of soft plastic, most likely TPE/TRP.
Colour: White.
Body safe? Kinda. The box indicates these strokers do not contain any phthalates, but the material is super porous. They’re safe enough for external use but won’t last very long.
Power: N/A
Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
Size: 2.5″ in length but SUPER stretchy.
Lube compatible:Water-based only, according to the instructions.
Cleaning: Gentle soap and warm water. This material is porous so you won’t be able to get it fully clean. Consider it fluid-bonded to the person who uses it. I’d also suggest you throw it out after a few uses or if the material starts to degrade.
This specific product doesn’t seem to be available by itself, but it is very similar to the strokers you get in Tenga Eggs. It is textured inside and designed to fit over the head of the penis and then stretch as you masturbate your (or your partner’s) penis.
It’s very stretchy and pretty strong, so it will accommodate a wide range of sizes and you don’t need to worry about ripping it. It comes pre-lubricated, but adding extra water-based lube will only make your experience more enjoyable.
How does it feel? Let’s just say I got a very good response from an initially-sceptical Mr C&K. If you usually masturbate with your hand, strokers can be a brilliant way to change things up and add a new sensation. And if you enjoy hand sex with a partner, a textured penis stroker can turn a good hand job into an amazing hand job.
If you get this kit and enjoy using this stroker, I’d suggest swapping out to a more durable (preferably silicone) one when you can. Failing that, Tenga Eggs are pretty affordable at £9.99 so you can just replace them frequently.
Day 13: Wrist Restraints
We’re over half way now! It’s Day 13 of the Lovehoney “Best Sex of Your Life” sex toy advent calendar, which I’m unboxing and reviewing day by day.
Behind Door #13, we have a set of black ribbon wrist restraints. They seem to be a slight variation on the Lovehoney Oh! Silky Bondage Restraints (RRP £8.99).
They’re… glorified ribbons, honestly. Each one has a little loop at each end to make restraint easier and is decorated with a red and gold Lovehoney heart, but other than that they’re just black ribbons of the sort you’d find in any craft store.
Tying people up with silky items like ribbons, ties, and scarves is a divisive subject amongst kinksters. Some say it’s fine, but many educators believe it’s dangerous. This is because these materials can easily tighten when pressure is applied, making them harder to untie if you’re using knots or even cutting off circulation if they’re left on for long enough.
If you want to use these restraints for a light BDSM or roleplay activity like tying your partner to the bed, that’s probably fine if you follow some basic safety protocols:
Tie them loosely. You should always be able to get at least two fingers between the ribbon and the skin.
Don’t use them for any kind of weight-bearing activity (the bound person shouldn’t pull hard against them, either).
Keep a pair of safety shears to hand in case you need to cut them off.
Never, ever leave a bound person alone. No, not even for a minute.
Honestly, though, if restraint is your thing just get some proper cuffs or some bondage rope and learn how to use it safely (via online tutorials, books, peer rope sessions, or classes with reputable teachers).
This one’s a miss for me. Packaging up lightly branded basic ribbons as “bondage restraints” (and dubiously safe ones at that) just doesn’t sit right with me.
Day 14: Adjustable Nipple Clamps
We’ve reached the end of the second week! After today, there are only ten days left to go of Lovehoney’s sex toy advent calendar 2021.
Behind Door #14 we have a set of nipple clamps. This set is a limited edition colourway version of the Lovehoney Tease Me Adjustable Nipple Clamps (RRP £12.99). They are gold in colour with red silicone tips, and finished with little charms shaped like the Lovehoney heart insignia.
My first reaction on opening this window was “oooh, they’re cute!” And they are. The red and gold is a pretty colour combination of the sort that I can see myself wearing to a very adult Christmas party! But how functional are they?
These clamps are easy to put on and take off. Simply move the slider down to open them up, pop them into position, and move the slider up again to secure them in place.
The point of adjustable nipple clamps is to fit a wide range of nipple sizes (and offer variable pressure levels). But these really won’t work for anyone with large nipples. My nipples are on the smaller side, considering that I have G-cup boobs, and I still had to open the clamps all the way to get them on.
They stayed on reasonably well when I was just moving around normally, but they pop off with the slightest tug. So if you like the idea of your partner pulling on them during sex, look elsewhere.
As far as how they feel, these clamps are going to be very, very gentle for the vast majority of wearers. And that might be exactly what you want! Wearing clamps purely for decoration or a very slight squeezing sensation is totally valid. But if you’re looking for a more intense pinch or for that rush of delicious pain when the clamps come off, these are likely to disappoint.
The quality also isn’t great. I’ve tried these clamps just a couple of times and already, some of the gold-coloured plating is starting to come off.
Cute, yes. But they’re not especially functional and they won’t last very long. They’re fine for a night or two of wear in the bedroom or out at the club. But if you’re looking for something more intense or durable, you might want to consider tweezer clamps or clover clamps instead.
Day 15: Silicone Anal Beads
Here we are in the third week of the Lovehoney “Best Sex of Your Life” sex toy advent calendar. There have been a few hits, a few misses, and a few in-betweens so far.
Behind Door #15, we have a set of silicone anal beads.
Material: Silicone.
Colour: Black.
Body safe? Yes. Silicone is hygienic (essential for anal toys in particular), non-toxic, and non-porous.
Power: No inbuilt power but it pairs with a bullet vibrator (see more further down).
Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
Size: 6″ in total length, 5″ insertable. Beads range in diameter from 0.9″ to 1.2″.
Cleaning: Sterilise with a 10% bleach solution or by boiling.
I’m impressed with today’s offering. These anal beads are made of soft and silky matte silicone and are well-designed to make for easy and comfortable insertion, even for complete beginners. Remember to always use tonnes of lube for anal play and if anything hurts, stop immediately. Anal can feel intense, but it is not supposed to hurt.
You can use these beads on their own, or pair them with the bullet vibrator behind Door #1 (or any small bullet in your collection – it pairs particularly well with the We-Vibe Tango!) The silicone transmits vibrations well along the length of the beads and into the tip, even on lower settings.
Anal beads are versatile. They can form the main event of a play session, or you can wear them during sex or masturbation for added stimulation. Some people swear by pulling them out at the point of climax, claiming that this increases orgasmic contractions and increases pleasure. Your mileage may vary but if that sounds fun to you, why not give it a go?
Day 16: Menthol Pleasure Balm
With only 9 days of the Lovehoney “Best Sex of Your Life” sex toy advent calendar to go, I feel like we’re into the home stretch now.
Behind Door #16 is a small tin of Lovehoney’s menthol “pleasure balm”. The idea is that when you apply a small amount to external erogenous zones, such as the clitoris or nipples, it increases sensitivity to enhance your pleasure. It’s very similar to the Bliss Orgasm Balm I reviewed last year.
Lovehoney’s pleasure balm is made of primarily plant-derived ingredients including sweet almond oil, grape seed oil, shea butter, cocoa, avocado oil, and wheat extract. It does also contain beeswax, so you might want to avoid this one if you’re vegan. I’m not a scientist by any stretch, but I can’t see anything alarming from a health or safety perspective in the ingredients list as long as you don’t have any allergies or sensitivities to any of the ingredients.
Everyone will react differently to things like this. It works really well for me! The cool, tingly sensation is quite intense and it definitely makes my clitoral orgasms both easier to reach and more explosive. It’s not a magic cure-all for orgasm difficulties, of course. But if a little extra sensitivity helps you, then this could be just the thing. And of course, even if you don’t struggle to orgasm, it can always be fun to play with new and different sensations!
You only get 7g in the tin, but a little goes a long way with this stuff. I really only needed a small dab to get the full effects. It also lasts well, so constant reapplication isn’t necessary.
The pleasure balm has a white creamy consistency that melts to an oily liquid when you rub it between your fingers or massage it into your skin. It has a distinctive but pleasant minty smell. Be aware that if you’re using it during oral sex, you’ll definitely be able to taste it. It’s for external use only, so don’t use it inside your vagina or butt.
My biggest complaint? The little tin is really hard to open! I’ve found that squeezing it between my palms and then twisting is the best way. But struggling to open a tin without interrupting the flow of your sex or masturbation session is a pain.
Otherwise? Love this stuff. I’ll definitely be buying more when this little tin runs out.
Day 17: Rabbit Cock Ring
Today’s offering in Lovehoney’s 2021 sex toy advent calendar is a rabbit cock ring. It can be used alone, but to get the most out of it you’ll want to pair it with the bullet vibe found in Door #1 or any other bullet vibe in your collection. The ring sits around the penis, restricting blood flow out of the wearer’s erection, while the rabbit ears tickle the receptive partner’s clitoris. It looks a little something like this:
Here are the basic facts and stats:
Material: Silicone.
Colour: Black.
Body safe? Yes. Silicone is non-porous, hygienic, and body-safe.
Power: No inbuilt power, use with any bullet vibe.
Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
Size: 3.5″ in total length. Ears measure 1″. Diameter of opening is 1.5″ without stretching.
I really like this cock ring. It is stretchy enough to fit the vast majority of penis sizes, but strong enough to provide a pleasurable squeeze and stay securely in place.
The rabbit ears really make this one for me. The silicone transmits vibrations well, and the fluttering from the ears feels amazing against my clit.
I’ll be honest: I rarely orgasm from using this kind of toy during penetrative sex. That’s because, once you add any kind of thrusting into the mix, the clitoral stimulation is too eratic and inconsistent to get me off. But that doesn’t mean the extra sensation isn’t very welcome.
I can honestly see myself using this ring separately for clitoral masturbation as well as for partnered sex. Those ears are just that good, especially when paired with a high powered bullet like the Blush Nocturnal (pictured here):
If you’re a penis owner, you could also use this ring for masturbation either by itself or with a bullet. Try turning the ears around so they tickle your balls, if that sounds hot to you.
A versatile toy that is a great addition to this kit.
Day 18: Pom Pom Tickler
We’re less than a week from the end of this sex toy advent calendar adventure now!
Door #18 contains what Lovehoney are calling a “pom pom tickler”. It’s essentially a red pom pom in some kind of soft and fluffy material attached to a black velcro ring.
Sensation play can be a lot of fun either as part of sex or as an activity in and of itself. Try running the tickler along sensitive places, from your partner’s sides to their inner thighs or even the soles of their feet. This pom pom tickler is soft enough that you can even use it on places like faces and genitals.
Sensation play can be intense. Even though it doesn’t usually involve pain, it is a form of kink. And tickling can be a hyper-intense activity or even a hard limit for some people. So check in regularly with your partner and make sure you have their active, ongoing consent.
Optionally, you might want to consider combining sensation play with restraints (proper rope or cuffs, not those horrible “wrist restraint” ribbons from Day 13!)
My only concern with the pom pom tickler is I’m not really sure how easy it is to clean. You might be able to wash it in some warm water and then let it dry thoroughly, but you’re never going to get it completely sterile again. So if you get any kind of bodily fluids on it, I recommend considering it fluid bonded to that person.
Day 19: Vanilla Massage Oil
Door #19 of Lovehoney’s sex toy advent calendar 2021 contains a bottle of vanilla-scented massage oil. This simple formula contains just four ingredients:
Ethylhexyl palmite, a common skincare ingredient that functions as an emollient, solvent, and fragrance fixative, according to The Derm Review.
Caprylic/capric triglyceride, which is derived from coconut oil and glycerine according to The Soap Kitchen and is widely recognised as safe for topical use.
Isopropyl myristate, a thickening agent or moisturiser commonly found in cosmetics. Reports suggest it can cause skin irritation in a minority of people (usually those with existing skin conditions) but is widely considered safe for cosmetic use.
Parfum, a mysterious concoction of synthetic fragrances designed to make the product smell good. Many people recommend avoiding products with this “ingredient” (actually potentially a mix of ingredients) as we don’t know exactly what’s in it. I can’t tell you whether to avoid these products or not. I generally use them without too much concern and have never had a problem, but your mileage (and tolerance for long-term risk) may vary.
You get 30ml in this little bottle of vanilla massage oil. You only need a few drops to get decent skin coverage, but it does dry out quite quickly once you start massaging. You’ll get maybe 3-4 massages out of this bottle, depending on how generously you want to apply it.
The scent is very strong and distinctively vanilla. It’s a little artificial, but not unpleasant. Be aware that the scent really lingers on your skin so unless you’re going to take a shower straight after, you might smell of vanilla for the rest of the day.
By the way: make sure the lid is on properly when you’re done! Ask me why there’s massage oil all over my desk…
Massages can be a fun precursor to sex, a form of aftercare, or even a way to connect physically and intimately with your partner without involving your genitals. A nice scented massage oil can add a little extra sense of indulgence to the experience.
If you like this massage oil, you can get a bottle of Lovehoney’s Oh! Vanilla Massage Oil for £5.99 when this one runs out. The Oh! oil seems to contain more natural ingredients and nothing mysterious like the above-mentioned “parfum”.
Day 20: G-Spot Dildo
We’re down to the last few days!
Behind today’s sex toy advent calendar door is a mini G-spot dildo. I’ll start, as usual, with a rundown of the basic stats:
Material: Silicone.
Colour: Black.
Body safe? Yes. Silicone is body-safe and non-porous.
Power: No motor, but pairs with a bullet vibe if you wish.
Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
Size: 5.5″ total length, 5″ insertable, 1.2″ in diameter at the widest point.
This dildo has a hole in the base where you can insert a bullet vibe. This means it is very flexible to about halfway up the shaft, after which the silicone becomes firmer.
You can use your G-spot dildo with the bullet that came in Door #1, or any suitably sized bullet vibe in your collection. I found it worked well with the Blush Nocturnal or We-Vibe Tango X!
I also teamed it with the rabbit cock ring from a few days ago, just for fun!
The very gentle curve and bulbed head offer comfortable insertion and G-spot targeting. Though this toy is billed as a G-spot dildo, you could also use it as an anal dildo. The flared base makes it safe and, if you have a prostate, the curved tip is ideal for prostate stimulation.
Size lovers may not find this dildo large enough to satisfy. But if you’re new to insertable toys, want something you can use for warm-up, or just prefer smaller or slimmer toys, you can’t go wrong with this one.
Day 21: Massager
The 21st door of Lovehoney’s 2021 sex toy advent calendar contains a star-shaped plastic massager, presumably designed to be used with the massage oil from two days ago (the ordering here is a little weird. I’d have put them on consecutive days, but okay). It’s red with silver glitter, tying in with the festive theme of this whole set.
The massager measures 6″ across from point to opposite point, and each arm is around 2″ in length. It’s very light, and the shape makes it easy and comfortable to hold. If you enjoy giving massages but find that your hands or wrists get tired, a massager like this can help. You can use all five points at once for an all-over massage, or tilt it and use one end to focus on a smaller area.
This one is a surprising winner for me. It’s sitting on my desk at the moment and I’ve found myself reaching for it to get the knots out of my temperamental neck and shoulders and relieve my I-spend-too-long-sitting-at-a-computer upper back pain. The rigidity allows you to get deeply into those sore muscles. With this thing, I can get the kind of deep tissue massage that is sort of painful but in a really good way.
Exchanging massages can be a lovely way to connect physically with your partner, whether or not they lead to sex. Massage can also be a great way to show love to someone whose love language is physical touch.
Day 22: Penis Sleeve
With only three days to go, we’re definitely into the home stretch of this sex toy advent calendar adventure now! So what’s behind Door #22?
I’ve had a wide range of feelings about the items in this advent calendar, ranging from very positive to “ugh, seriously?” But today is the first one that has genuinely, seriously annoyed me! Let’s take a look at this stretchy penis sleeve and find out why I’m going “aaaaahhhhhh no!”
Material: A jelly-like “soft plastic”, possibly TPE.
Colour: Clear.
Body safe? No. More on why below.
Power: N/A.
Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
Size: 4″ total length, very stretchy.
Lube compatible: Should work with any kind of lube.
Cleaning: You really can’t clean this material. Gentle soap and warm water will clean surface dirt but since it’s porous, it’ll never be entirely clean again.
The basic idea of a penis sleeve like this is that you stretch it over your penis before penetrative sex. The bumps and nodules supposedly offer additional stimulation to the receptive partner, while helping the wearer to “last longer”, presumably by reducing the sensations they can feel.
Setting aside all the problems with the ubiquitous idea that a penis owner’s job is to “last” as long as possible during sex, the premise of this toy pisses me off. Sure, wearing a penis sleeve might mean you don’t come as quickly (or at all, until you take it off). Why? Because you can’t fucking feel anything!
I also seriously question how much these little jelly bumps and ridges are going to do for the person being penetrated. They’re not really pronounced enough to have the effect of, say, a highly textured dildo. I suspect the effect, for most people, will be little more than that of one of those “ribbed for her pleasure” condoms (i.e. basically nothing.)
Then we get into the safety issue. The website and packaging insists this penis sleeve doesn’t contain phthalates, so let’s take that at face value. But phthalates aren’t the only reason to be wary of jelly-like, “soft plastic” and TPE/TPR sex toys. According to toxic toy expert Dangerous Lilly, these materials are often softened with mineral oils and can contain other harmful chemicals besides phthalates. The material is also unstable and will begin to break down after a few months. (That myth about silicone toys melting together in storage? They won’t, but these mystery soft plastic toys likely will!)
Feat. the Godemiche Ambit in a limited-edition Valentine’s Day design
This material is also extremely porous. I have mixed feelings about porous materials for external toys (TL;dr: probably okay for a few uses, but replace them often) but I NEVER recommend using them internally. Just from handling this penis sleeve, taking photos, and leaving it out on my desk overnight, it’s started to dull and get cloudy with lint, house dust, and the oils from my skin. You will NEVER get this thing clean, and it will harbour bacteria that could potentially give you a nasty infection. If you absolutely must use it for sex, please use it once and then throw it in the trash where it belongs.
Bottom line: I actually can’t tell you how it feels, because my partner and I both refuse to put this contraption anywhere near our genitals. Steer clear. I cannot stress enough how much I hate it. The fact that it’s included in a set that is fundamentally marketed at beginners, who may not know any better (because we don’t exactly get taught about toy safety in sex education), just makes it worse.
Day 23: Sex Position Cards
It’s the penultimate day of my foray into the Lovehoney’s “Best Sex of Your Life” sex toy advent calendar. After yesterday’s “aaaaahhhhh”-inducing offering, I was hoping that Day 23 might show a little more promise. Let’s open it up and find out.
Door #23 contains a set of sex position cards. There are 26 cards in total, with positions ranked “easy”, “medium”, or “difficult”. I think those rankings might be largely subjective, as all our bodies have their own strengths and weaknesses. But okay, I’ll run with it.
The deck begins with a card offering some safety tips. They’re pretty 101-level, which makes sense since this set is really aimed at beginners, but they’re solid: never leave a bound person alone, don’t tie someone too tightly, stop if something hurts, use a safeword, agree boundaries before you play. Cool. That’s basically the Safety & Consent 101 I’d want to give a complete beginner.
Each position has a name, many of which are punny or otherwise amusing. (The Thigh’s The Limit, Clitar Hero, and Deep G Diving are a few highlights). Each card contains a picture of how to do the position, and a short description of why it’s fun or how to make it hotter. You also get a handy list of which types of stimulation the position is best for (clitoral, G-spot, penis, balls, etc.) and suggested toys or implements to use.
I have not, of course, tried every single position on these cards. Some of them are fairly basic positions with quirky names (“The Elevator” is just someone on their knees giving their partner oral sex) while others are somewhere between “why?” and “likely to be physiologically impossible unless one of you is a size four and the other is a gym-bunny.” But for gaining ideas and inspiration, they’re perfectly fine.
For some reason, I’m now thinking about this scene from The Bold Type where Jane, Kat and Sutton test out one of Sage’s sex positions to “verify it’s physically possible.”
Day 24: Womanizer Classic
We’ve made it!
If you were expecting something big and exciting for Day 24, Lovehoney did not disappoint! Behind Door #24 of this sex toy advent calendar is a Womanizer Classic, one of the newer additions to the famed Womanizer line of clitoral stimulators. Let’s start with the basic rundown:
Material: ABS plastic body, silicone nozzle.
Colour: Pink body, white nozzle.
Body safe? Yes, completely. ABS plastic and silicone are both 100% body-friendly and non-porous.
Power: Rechargeable via the included magnetic cable.
Waterproof: Yes, submersible. Suction toys offer a very different sensation underwater, so it’s worth trying to see if it works for you.
Size: The body is 6″ in total length. The nozzle opening is 0.7″.
Cleaning: Wipe the body clean with a sterile wipe. Clean the removable nozzle by boiling it or popping it into a 10% bleach solution.
The Womanizer Classic is shaped very similarly to the Womanizer Premium, which you may recall I adored. The Classic model has slightly fewer features (none of the fancy Smart Silence or Auto Pilot stuff, and only 8 speeds instead of 12). But otherwise, it’s broadly much the same.
Most importantly, it delivers those slow-build, leg-shakingly intense orgasms I’ve come to expect from Womanizer toys.
These toys all use patented “Pleasure Air” technology. The nozzle surrounds your clit and delivers stimulation through rapid air pulses. Sound too gentle? It’s not. It’s amazing.
The Womanizer Classic has three intuitively placed buttons: an on/off, and buttons to turn the speed up or down. They’re easy to press, and they’re different sizes so you can feel for the right one without needing to break your flow to look.
The only thing to be aware of is that it’s pretty loud at the higher settings. It gets a little quieter when the nozzle has a proper seal against your body, but it’s still got a distinctive sound. I don’t really care about discretion (“Goodnight, honey, I’m going to go masturbate” is a commonly used sentence in my house!) but your mileage may vary.
One thing to be aware of as a beginner, is that suction sex toys do take a little getting used to. The sensations are quite different to a traditional vibrating toy, and it can take practice to figure out how it works best for you. So if you don’t get on with it the first time, I recommend giving it a few chances before you discount it.
Lovehoney “Best Sex of Your Life” Sex Toy Advent Calendar: Conclusion & Final Thoughts
We made it! I reviewed every single item in the Lovehoney Best Sex of Your Life advent calendar over the last 24 days. Before I call it a wrap on this project, I wanted to provide a final review where I share my thoughts on the set as a whole.
Image: Lovehoney
Who is the Target Market?
The Best Sex of Your Life advent calendar is aimed at couples, and specifically assumes a cisgender, heterosexual couple. I’m not a fan of gendered language or assumptions in sex toy marketing, since body parts don’t have inherent genders and products certainly don’t.
In the future, I’d like to see these calendars marketed according to what body parts they work with, rather than gendering things, which can be alienating for trans and non-binary people. I’d also like to see versions available for couples made up of two vulva-owners or two penis-owners.
Gendering aside, this set is very clearly designed to provide sex toys for beginners. Many of the items are super basic, which is mostly fine for its intended purpose.
This set is aimed at people who are new to exploring sex toys and different ways to connect intimately, so offering lots of different options and ideas is a great thing.
Best and Worst Of
The quality of the items in this set is wildly variable. There are a few things that are genuinely great quality and will probably last many years, like the silicone toys. A few that are fine for a use or two, but won’t last long, like the strokers. Some that are fine for complete beginners but “meh” for anyone with an iota of experience, like the kink gear. And the odd one that made me go “aaaaaahhhhh, no!”
So here’s my best and worst of roundup:
Best item: This is easy – definitely the Womanizer Classic from Day #24, a genuinely excellent clitoral suction toy that retails for £119.99 by itself.
Honourable mention: The bullet vibe from Day #1. Reasonable power, versatile (it pairs well with many of the other items in this set), and rechargeable.
Worst item: That damn penis sleeve from Day #22. Unsafe, unsanitary, and just overall not something I would ever recommend anyone puts near their genitals.
Honourable mention: The wrist ties from Day #13. Not only are they glorified basic satin ribbons, they also work in a way that is very dubiously safe for any but the lightest bondage.
So Is It Worth It?
Whether or not this kit is worth the money very much depends on what you want to get out of it. If you’re an experienced player looking to expand your sex toy collection, skip it and get one or two really good quality toys instead (might I suggest a Doxy or a We-Vibe Tango?)
If you and your partner are brand new to toys and looking to explore some basic things together, you might get a lot out of this set. Despite the variable quality, it offers possibilities and a kind of permission to try things out. And if something doesn’t work for you? No big deal, there are 23 other things to try.
If you’re specifically after a Womanizer Classic and think you might enjoy a few of the other items too, the Best Sex of Your Life set is a no-brainer. The Womanizer costs literally the same as this entire set, so you might as well snag a bargain.
You do get £370+ worth of products for £120 (and can get a further 10% off with my code “AFF-COFFKINK10”). So if you think there are at least a few things you’ll enjoy, it’s a good deal.
Thanks to Lovehoney for sending us the Best Sex of Your Life couples’ sex toy advent calendar to review. All views are our own. Affiliate links appear in this post and shopping through them helps to keep the site going!
Quality BDSM gear can be expensive. Sex shops sell some stuff, of course, though its quality is highly variable. A custom flogger or handmade paddle can cost anything from tens to hundreds of dollars. Many people simply don’t have that type of budget. Enter: pervertables.
What Are Pervertables?
Pervertables are innocuous everyday household items, reimagined and repurposed for kink. They are ideal for kinksters looking to do BDSM on a budget, anyone who is new to BDSM or wants to try a new type of sensation without blowing a lot of cash, or for those occasions when you find yourself somewhere without your toybag and want to have some fun.
And, of course, some pervertables can be sexy for their own sake. A lot of people fetishise, for example, the feeling and aesthetic of being spanked with a hairbrush.
5 Pervertables You Probably Have in Your House Right Now
When it comes to using pervertables for BDSM and bondage at home, you’re limited only by your imagination and basic safety precautions. Here are five ideas for items you might have to hand right now that can have a kinky use.
Clothes Pegs
Clothes pegs are an amazing alternative to clamps and such an underrated kink toy! Choose the plastic ones with soft pads on the teeth if you’re after something less vicious. The wooden ones are often more pinchy. This can vary, though, so test them out on your finger before you apply them to anywhere more sensitive.
Use clothes pegs on nipples, labia, clits, cocks, or most sensitive fleshy areas. Keep them away from the face and neck. After a more intense or painful experience? Try putting a line of clothes pegs along your masochist’s back, tying them all together with string or twine, and pulling them all of at once. (Don’t surprise someone with this the first time you do it; it’s not for everyone, so always get consent first.)
Pro tip: the longer you leave clamps or pegs on, the more they’ll hurt when they come off.
Chopsticks
Chopsticks are another option for makeshift clamps. Simply squeeze a nipple (or other sensitive area) between two chopsticks and secure the ends with small elastic bands or hair ties. For a tighter squeeze, secure closer to the centre. To loosen them off, move the bands outwards.
Wooden Spoon
Arguably the ultimate household spanking implement, wooden spoons can deliver a surprisingly sharp and stingy sensation. Much like canes, their pain comes in waves – the initial sting when the blow hits, and then a second or two moments later as all the nerves fully register the impact.
Pervertables like wooden spoons are pretty safe when used on fleshy places like butts, but you should always start slowly and gently, checking in with your partner along the way. You’d be surprised how much they can hurt!
Hairbrush
Traditionally associated with over-the-knee spanking, hairbrushes remain enduringly popular impact implements. Different sizes, shapes and materials can feel very different, so make no assumptions, build up slowly, and communicate with your partner as you go about how it feels.
Ice
Ice is brilliant. You can use it on its own or alongside something like wax play for a fun temperature-based scene. You can run ice over your partner’s body for a cold tease, press it to a nipple or clit, or trail icy droplets all over them.
Ice play doesn’t have to be painful and can be purely sensual, but it definitely can be painful if that’s what you want. Typically, ice in sensitive places will become painful quite quickly. Keep the ice moving (i.e. don’t rest it on one spot for too long) and make sure that the bottom gets dried off and warmed up as quickly as possible after play.
…And 5 Things You Shouldn’t Use as Pervertables
All the pervertables and activities I’ve suggested here are relatively low risk as long as you communicate with your partner, practice risk-aware consensual kink (RACK), and observe some basic safety precautions such as understanding no-hit zones.
But there are also some things you absolutely should not use as pervertables. Here are a few of them:
Cable Ties
Cable ties (also known as zip ties) are not a safe way to restrain someone. They can tighten easily, cutting off circulation or causing nerve damage. They’re also thin bands of rough plastic, meaning there’s a high risk of them cutting or chafing the skin.
Household Candles
There are different schools of thought on this. Some people say that basic, unscented paraffin wax candles are okay. My stance, though, is it’s not worth the risk. Different wax blends and quality levels burn at different temperatures and it can be hard to know what you’re getting. Instead, choose wax play candles from a reputable maker or supplier.
Fruits and Vegetables
Please don’t insert fruits and veggies into your body. They can carry harmful bacteria, pesticides, or other contaminants which can lead to irritation or infection. They can also have rough or sharp areas which can cut you. It is particularly dangerous to insert anything without a flared base anally, as it could become stuck (leading to an embarrassing emergency room visit if not a serious injury.)
This applies to virtually any household items you might be tempted to insert, by the way. When you can get a basic silicone dildo for under $20, it’s just not worth the risk.
Bamboo Garden Canes
Tempted to reach for one of those cheap bamboo gardening canes and repurpose it as a BDSM implement? Please, please don’t. Here’s why: when bamboo breaks, it splits horizontally along the shaft. This can result in razor-sharp long edges, putting the recieving partner at risk of a deep and dangerous cut.
Scarves
Scarves, particularly those made of slippery materials like silk, are popular “beginner bondage” materials. Unfortunately, they’re also far more dangerous than you think. They can easily tighten unintentionally, cutting off circulation, causing nerve damage or making them difficult to undo quickly. Grab some basic jute or hemp rope and learn how to do some fundamental ties instead. You’ll be much safer.
