Tag: dating

Couple in a hot tub, header for a sponsored post on creating a killer swinger dating profile

How to Write a Killer Swinger Dating Profile

Published on by Amy

Swinging refers, broadly speaking, to an arrangement where couples have casual sex with other couples or individuals outside of their relationship. It is a form of consensual non-monogamy, but differs from polyamory in that it doesn’t generally involve romantic connections. Whether you’re just starting out in swinging or have been checking out local clubs and swinger dating sites, creating a great profile is the first step to meeting fellow swingers online. I’ve partnered with SwingTowns to bring you these swinger dating tips for a great profile.

For the purposes of this post I will assume you’re looking for play partners as a couple. However, most of the advice works just as well for solo swingers.

The Most Important Swinger Dating Profile Tip: Be Honest

I can’t overstate the importance of honesty. You might think it’s no big deal to say you’re 37 when you’re actually 50, but lying simply shows prospective partners that you can’t be trusted. If someone lies about one thing, I wonder what else they’re lying about, from STI testing to whether or not their spouse at home is actually okay with them dating.

So don’t say you have loads of experience when you’re actually brand new to the lifestyle. Don’t lie about your age. And please (yes, I’ve really seen this) don’t pretend to be a couple if you’re actually a single person.

Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be self-deprecating. If you’re struggling to describe yourself in positive terms, ask your partner if you can writing descriptions of each other to go on your shared swinger profile.

Brand new and not sure where to start? Try something like this: “We’re just dipping a toe in right now, so please be gentle with us! We’re in our 40s and would love to meet a sexy couple of a similar age for fun, laughs, and maybe a trip to a swingers’ club.”

Write Coherently and in Full Sentences

No-one is expecting your swinger dating profile to be a literary masterpiece, but making an effort is important. Write in complete sentences, avodi text-speak, and check your profile for typos and spelling errors before you hit “submit.” Break up your sentences with punctuation and use short paragraphs to make your profile easier to read.

Pro tip: if you’re not skilled with words, ask a trusted friend to give your swinging profile a once-over.

Don’t Use Your Genitals as Your Swinger Dating Profile Picture

Swinger sites are about the only place in the online dating world where I’m going to tell you that posting pictures of your genitals is probably okay, if that’s your jam. But don’t use them as your main profile picture, please! Put them in your gallery and limit the number.

Your main profile picture could be your faces if that feels safe and comfortable for you, a clothed body shot, a tasteful nude, or a picture of something that reflects your personalities.

Say What You Can Offer, Not Just What You Want

Nothing is a greater turn-off than a dating profile from people who are clearly only thinking about what they want others to do for them. State what you’re looking for, but remember to show what you can offer too.

Sex, whether casual or committed, should be a mutual exchange for the enjoyment and benefit of everyone involved. This means viewing your partners and potential partners as full human beings, not fantasy-fulfillment machines. Yes, even in the context of swinging.

Posting a super lengthy, tightly scripted scene idea to your swinger profile is likely to scare a lot of people off. So is posting an absurdly specific description of your imaginary “third.” Instead, talk more broadly about the kinds of people you’re looking to meet and give plenty of information on what you can offer.

Try this: “We’re ideally looking to meet other couples at a similar life stage to us. With us you’ll find an educated, friendly, and kinky pair who are just as happy enjoying good wine and excellent conversation as getting down to some fun in the bedroom.”

Keep the Judgemental Comments to Yourself

You’re allowed to like what you like and be attraxted to what you’re attracted to. But shaming others for not conforming to your tastes makes you an asshole.

I’m fully aware that some people won’t be into me because I’m curvy and have body hair. I am at peace with that. Even so, it’s upsetting every time I see my body type described as “disgusting”, and this happens more than you might think. Similarly, you might not be into any kind of kink or BDSM. That’s absolutely fine, but describing other people’s consensual kinks as “freaky shit” is rude.

If someone isn’t for you, moving on to the next profile or replying to their approach with a polite “thanks, but not for us” is all that is required.

Being Responsible is Sexy: Talking About Sexual Health on Your Swinger Profile

When I’m browsing dating profiles, those who mention their sexual health testing regime or use of barriers go straight to the top of the list. Being responsible with your and your partners’ health is not only hot but incredibly necessary in any kind of non-monogamy.

Please don’t use the term “clean” to describe yourselves as being free from STIs. This language is stigmatising. STIs are not dirty, they’re just infections humans sometimes contract in the course of doing normal human things like having sex.

Try this: “we test every three months and last tested negative for everything on [date.] We use barriers for… [insert your protocols here.]”

If you do have a chronic or incurable STI, such as herpes or HIV, it’s important to be upfront about this, too. Don’t be apologetic; there’s nothing wrong with living with one of these conditions! Briefly mention it as a fact of your life and state how you manage it. Some people will be put off, but the rght people for you won’t be. I’d personally much rather have sex with someone who is HSV or even HIV-positive, knows their status, and can take the appropriate precautions than someone who hasn’t tested in a decade and insists they somehow “just know” they’re negative.

Offer Something of Yourselves Beyond the Sexual

However proud you are of your 8″ penis, world-class blow jobs, or penchant for eating pussy for hours, sex isn’t everything even in the world of swinging. Most swingers want to meet human beings they can connect with (even if the connection is brief), not walking sex machines.

So use some of your profile to talk about the things you’re into or the things that matter to you outside of sex. You don’t have to get extremely deep and personal.

Try phrases like these: “we love fine dining and would love someone to show us the best restaurants in town,” “our hobbies include board games, 80s B-movies, and salsa dancing,” or “he’s a gym-bunny and loves to run, she’s more likely to be found with her nose in a book!”

The crux of this tip is to let your sparkling personalities shine through on your swinging profile and show that you can bring more to the table than just sexual prowess.

These swinging dating profile tips were sponsored by Swingtowns, the world’s largest non-monogamous dating site. Join up now and create your swinger profile – it’s free! All opinions and writing are, as always, my own.

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Ten Tips for Getting the Most Out of Fetlife

Published on by Amy7 Comments

Love it or hate it (and honestly, these days I mostly hate it), Fetlife is still the absolute number one place to be on the internet if you’re a kinky person who wants to interact with the BDSM and fetish community outside of your bedroom. The “Facebook of kink” can be a wonderful place to network and grow community, or it can be a complete cesspit. It’s not a dating site, but Fetlife can also be a great place to connect with potential kinky partners. Here are ten of my top tips on how to use Fetlife to its best.

Fill Out Your Profile

It’s hard to use Fetlife to build a community or make connections if your profile isn’t filled out. You don’t need to write an essay, but “I dunno, ask me” or “I hate talking about myself” do not constitute a good profile.

Tell us whatever it is about yourself you’re happy to share. If you’re stuck for ideas, try this:

  • How long have you been in the community or identified as kinky?
  • What does kink mean to you?
  • What do your relationship(s) look like, if applicable?
  • What are you looking for?
  • What are your hobbies and interests outside of kink?

Choose Your Role Carefully

There are tonnes of different role options you can choose from, and you can now list up to five on your profile at a time.

There’s the ubiquitous Dominant, Submissive, and Switch, of course. But you can also be a Kinkster, a Hedonist, a Pet, a Brat or Brat Tamer, a Daddy or Mommy, and many more. The ever-increasing list of roles gets ever more niche as well as including humorous options like “Fairy Kink Mother.”

Choose the role(s) that most apply to you, and consider saying something in your profile about what your identifiers mean to you. Remember you can always change your roles, too, so don’t be afraid to swap things around as you gain experience and change as a kinkster. This is normal.

Consider Your Location

There’s a running joke amongst long-time Fetlife users that there are more kinksters in Antarctica than people. This is because so many Fetlife users put “Antarctica” as their location to avoid revealing where they really live.

If you need to conceal your location, I’m absolutely not judging. Please do what you need to do in order to be safe!

But if you safely can, consider using at least your general area like your country, state, or nearest major city. This makes it easier to connect with people who live near to you and also means you’ll get event recommendations based on your location. (Not many dungeon parties in Antarctica, funnily enough!)

Say What You’re Looking For on Fetlife

In your profile header, you can tick all the “What I’m Looking For” options that apply to you. Options include everything from a lifetime relationship to events, friendship, and more. You can select as many as you want.

Carefully consider what you’re looking for, be honest, and elaborate in your profile if you can. If you say you’re looking for a romantic or kinky partner, it’s particularly important to indicate what sorts of people and dynamics you’re open to.

Don’t Try to Use Fetlife Solely as a Dating App

Fetlife is not primarily a dating site. It’s not a bad place to start if your eventual goal is to find a Dom, sub, or kinky partner, but using it as your personal hunting ground or as an alternative to Tinder or Feeld will piss people off really fast.

If you’re new to BDSM or just to the public kink scene, you need kinky friends before you need dates or play partners. Focus on getting out there, learning, building connections, and making friends. The rest will fall into place.

Read Profiles Before Messaging

I really cannot emphasise this enough: please read someone’s entire profile, and pay attention to it, before messaging them. Nothing is more annoying than people who clearly haven’t read my profile and slide into my inbox pushing their fantasies anyway.

Some people only want to be contacted by folks of certain genders, ages, geographical locations, or kink identities. Some are open to dating or meeting play partners on Fetlife, others are not. Respect these boundaries; you are not the exception.

Message Respectfully

So you’ve read someone’s profile. They’ve sparked your interest enough that you want to make a connection. You’ve established that messaging them won’t contravene any stated boundaries. Now what?

The first message can make or break things. Don’t open with sexual content. Yes, it’s a fetish site, but there are human beings on the other end of your message and they have better things to do than provide you with free masturbation fodder.

Don’t make demands, don’t make assumptions about roles or identities, and don’t assert a kinky dynamic where none exists. Subs, this applies to you, too! Calling someone “Mistress” or “Daddy” without consent is just as wrong as calling someone “slave” or “slut” without consent.

Do at least a cursory check of your spelling and grammar. Keep it brief. Don’t ask to meet straight away. Just be a friendly, normal, respectful person.

Join Fetlife Groups (But Read the Rules)

There are literally thousands of groups on Fetlife. Groups operate as discussion forums based around specific topics.

Many are for those interested in specific kinks or fetishes. Some are for people looking for dating opportunities on Fetlife. Others are based around a specific geographical location or a specific event. Some are for folks with a certain identity, such as queer and trans kinksters. There are even non-kinky groups where you can just discuss a topic of mutual interest. Pick a few interests, join some groups, and start engaging positively in discussions.

All groups have rules governing the kind of content that is allowed in them. Many, for example, will specify “no personal ads” (cruising for dates/play) or “no advertising” (commercial/business content or advertising your event,.) Some are also reserved for a certain demographic, such as under 35s, women, or LGBTQ folks.

Disregarding group rules is likely to get your posts deleted and may even get you kicked or banned from groups. It also wastes moderators’ time, annoys group members, and makes you look like an asshole. Read the rules and follow them. If someone corrects you for an accidental rule breach you made in good faith, apologise and don’t repeat the mistake.

The Kinky and Popular page highlights posts, photos, videos and writings which have garnered a lot of attention in a short space of time. No-one is 100% clear how the algorithm works (Fetlife isn’t exactly famed for its transparency) but that’s the gist of it.

The problem with K&P is that it tends to adhere to a very narrow version of what kink is and an even narrower version of beauty standards, particularly for women. I avoid K&P entirely now because it makes me feel shitty about myself and my body.

Kink isn’t a popularity contest and in my view, this page is the antithesis of what the community is really about.

Reach Out to Community Leaders and Prominent Figures

If you’re struggling to make connections or feeling nervous about going along to events, reach out to someone who seems like they’re a leader, event organiser, or prominent and respected person in your local community. Simply explain that you’re new, let them know what you’ve done so far to get involved with the scene (if anything), and ask if they’d be willing to be a friendly face at an upcoming munch or event.

Community leaders become community leaders because they love helping people and helping the scene to thrive. Reach out. Be polite and friendly, be respectful of their time, and be specific if you can in what you’re asking and you’re far more likely to get a good response.

Red flag waving against a blue sky - header for a post about BDSM red flags in a new kinky relationship

BDSM Red Flags: What to Watch For in a New Kinky Relationship

Published on by Amy1 Comment

A reader messaged me this week with this question: “What are some BDSM red flags to look out for when starting a new kinky relationship with a Dom or a sub?”

I had a lot of thoughts about this question and all the possible ways to answer it. On the surface, it’s simple. In many ways, BDSM red flags are exactly the same as those in any other kind of relationship. But there are also nuances specific to kinky relationships.

As I often do when I’m mulling over a topic, I took it to Mr C&K for his perspective. His response, I think, was utterly brilliant in its simplicity: “Don’t get into a relationship with a Dom or a sub. Get into a relationship with a person.”

What I love about this answer is that it cuts through all the possible responses I was thinking of giving to our lovely question-asker, and gets straight to the heart of the issue. It’s vital to get to know somebody as a real, three-dimensional human being before you seriously consider them as your Dominant or submissive.

Spend time – LOTS of time – talking, communicating, and seeing how they interact with you and the world. A good D/s relationship is a place of profound trust and vulnerability on both sides, and these things cannot be rushed. A real-life D/s relationship is nothing like an endless kinky fantasy or a porn movie. First and foremost, it is a relationship.

7 BDSM Red Flags to Look Out For

With all that said, I do still have some thoughts on specific red flags to watch out for in a kinky relationship. I’ve tried to keep these broad so that they’re applicable to Dominants, submissives, and switches alike, and relevant whether you’re meeting online or in person.

Your mileage may vary, of course, and I’m sure there are plenty I’ve missed. But I would view any of the following with some serious side-eye and a healthy level of skepticism.

Demanding too much, too soon

You wouldn’t give someone the keys to your house or ask them to marry you on a first date, would you? Just as you shouldn’t jump the proverbial gun on these vanilla relationship milestones, it’s also important to take your time in a BDSM relationship. Play together and have some kinky fun, if you both want to, but don’t even think about entering into any kind of ongoing dynamic for quite some time.

If a Dominant expects you to kneel and address them by an honorofic before they’ve earned your trust, run. If a submissive expects you to start trying to control every aspect of their life when you’ve barely got past coffee… you know what I’m going to say.

Referring to themselves as a “real” or “true” anything

There is no such thing as a True Dominant, a Real Submissive, or any other variation. Those of us who have been in the community for a long time call this One True Wayism, and it’s frowned upon for good reason. People who think their way is the only way tend to be snobbish, elitist and derisive of others at best and actively dangerous at worst.

Tthinking you know everything, refusing to learn, and refusing to be questioned is a recipe for disaster. It’s also one of the biggest red flags out there for kinky relationships.

Related to this is its equally problematic and insidious twin: “you’re a fake [Dom/sub/kinkster!]” Calling someone a fake is such a classic BDSM red flag that it’s pretty much a cliche at this point. There’s no such thing as a fake kinkster. There are good and bad players, safe and dangerous kinksters, and those with more or less knowledge and experience. But no-one is “real” or “fake.”

If you identify as a Dom, you’re a Dom. If you identify as a sub, you’re a sub. That’s literally all that’s required.

Using language like “if you were really [X] you’d [Y]”

“If you were really a sub, you’d give me all your passwords and your bank account login!” “If you were really a Dom, you’d take care of everything for me so I didn’t have to take any responsibility for my choices!”

This is the BDSM red flag equivalent of that old manipulative classic: “If you really loved me, you’d…”

If someone questions your identity or tries to use it against you to get their way, run. See above: there’s no such thing as a “Real” or “True” anything. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone and you certainly don’t have to do things you don’t want to do for your identity to be valid.

Claiming to have no or very few limits

Everyone has limits (that is, things they absolutely won’t do under any circumstances.) Absolutely everyone. Someone who claims not to have any limits (or to have “very few” limits) is, at best, woefully ill-informed about all the things BDSM can encompass.

And by the way: limits aren’t just for submissives! Dominants also can and should have limits.

I’ll say it again: literally everyone has limits. They can, and probably will, change over time. You don’t need to think up absolutely every single one right now. But you should start learning about what yours might be and learning how to communicate them.

Not understanding their own experience and skill level

Anyone can pick up a BDSM starter kit and call themselves a Dominant without having ever used that flogger on anyone, just like anyone can watch a thousand hours of spanking porn and call themselves a submissive without having ever actually played. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being inexperienced and curious, with being at the beginning of your kink journey, or with not knowing much.

What is wrong, though, is to significantly overestimate or misrepresent your experience and skill level. And if you find out someone has done this, it’s a pretty huge red flag. Trying to do certain BDSM activities without proper knowledge and tuition is irresponsible at worst, incredibly dangerous – both physically and psychologically – at best.

Responsible kinksters know their own limitations and put the safety, consent, and wellbeing of their partners above any self-aggrandising notion about being infallible.

Lying, including lies of omission

The absolute, foundational basis for any healthy relationship – kinky or vanilla, monogamous or polyamorous – is trust. Without trust, there is nothing. Lying to you is, therefore, probably the biggest, reddest, and flaggiest big BDSM red flag of all.

This includes those big barefaced lies, of course, but it also includes lies of omission. If you find a Dom who seems great but they “forgot” to tell you they’ve got seven other submissives at home… you have not found a good Dom or indeed a good human.

The person who lies to you in the beginning will lie to you all the way along. Whatever your role, you’re a human being first and you deserve to be told the truth about things that impact you.

The ultimate BDSM red flag: breaking boundaries, including small ones

Abusive or dangerous people don’t typically start by trampling boundaries in overt and glaring ways. If they did this on the first date, they’ll never get as far as a second date. Instead, people who would cause you harm will often “test the waters” with a new victim to see how much they can get away with.

Perhaps they persist in using language towards you that you don’t like, touching you in a way you’re not comfortable with, or putting you down in big or small ways, you are not being too sensitive. They are testing you, and they will push bigger and bigger boundaries if you continue a relationship with them. Get out now.

If you recognise any of these BDSM red flags in your relationship or with a new interest, help is out there! If you think you’re in danger, get yourself to a place of safety and ask for help as soon as you can.

Two phones side by side with a dating app open, one showing a man and the other a woman. Text reads: Online Dating Tips for Men Into Women: Don’t Make These 10 Mistakes

Online Dating Tips for Men Into Women: 10 Dating App Mistakes You’re Probably Making and How to Fix Them

Published on by Amy3 Comments

We all know by now that the number one online dating mistake is to use our genitals as our profile picture, right? (We do, right?) But what other less-obvious-but-equally-offputting things are you doing or saying on dating apps that are causing potential matches to swipe right? I don’t really date men any more, but I learned enough from my years of doing so to put together this list of online dating tips for men based on dating app mistakes you really need to stop making.

Online Dating Tips for Men Into Women: 10 Mistakes to Avoid

Whether you’re using Tinder, Feeld, OKCupid, Fetlife, or another dating site or app entirely, avoid these common mistakes at all costs.

“I hate writing about myself” or “ask me”

This is the most boring cop-out of an “About Me” section possible. You might as well have written “there is nothing interesting about me whatsoever.”

You only have a small amount of space on your dating profile, and this is a waste of it. Instead, share a few carefully chosen tidbits about you that will intrigue a potential match and make them want to know more.

“Ask me anything you want to know” and its variations sidestep the process of putting any actual effort in. It indicates an assumption that your prospective will be so blown away that they’ll put all the work in for you. Spoiler: they won’t.

“I’m just a normal guy”

What does this mean? There are 8 billion people on this planet and approximately half of them are men. What is a “normal” guy?

Rather than lumping yourself into some nebulous, gendered category, think about what makes you YOU.

Too much negativity

I’m not a “positive vibes only” person and I certainly don’t embrace toxic positivity. However, your online dating profile is not the place for lengthy rants about the last person who broke your heart, how much you hate your job, or how much online dating sucks.

By the way: this also applies to talking about the kind of partner you want. Talk about the positive attributes you’re looking to find, not the negative ones you want to avoid.

“I’m really good at eating pussy”

Want to know a secret? No man who bragged about his cunnilingus skills on his dating profile has ever given me an orgasm. My theory is that this is because they were so confident in their knowledge of “what women like” that they forgot to pay attention to what I like.

Every vulva is different and there is no such thing as being universally “good at eating pussy.” That thing that had your first girlfriend moaning in orgasmic bliss that one time in 2008 is not necessarily going to do anything for the rest of the women you will have sex with throughout your lifetime.

“I’m looking for a real woman”

Again, what does this mean? What makes a woman “real” and, by extension, what makes one “fake?”

This reeks of some really problematic and outdated assumptions about gender. There are endless ways to be a woman (or to be any gender.) All women are real women. If there are specific traits you’re looking for in a partner, be specific about it.

Disregarding a person’s stated preferences

Unfortunately, one of the most commonly cited but really bad online dating tips for men is “shoot your shot regardless!”

Please don’t.

If she says she’s a lesbian, you are not the exception. When her stated upper age limit is 30 and you’re 50, move along. If she says she wants someone local and you’re in another country, don’t waste your time or hers. When she says she only dates older men and you’re only a couple years out of high school… you know what I’m going to say, don’t you? Leave her alone.

There is a certain degree of common sense at play here. If her stated upper age limit is 45 and you’re 46 but clearly a great match with tonnes in common, a respectful first message is probably fine as long as you’re willing to accept a no gracefully. And a lack of response is a no, by the way.

Text-speak

Are you twelve? No. There’s no excuse for this and yet it’s still a weirdly common dating app mistake.

Type in full words that form actual sentences. Use punctuation. Flawless spelling and grammatical perfection is not necessary, but making an effort is. Srsly m8. K?

“We have nothing in common but opposites attract!”

No, that’s not how this actually works. Most people want to date someone they have at least some things in common with. If you seem like you’d hate each other in real life, she’s probably not the love of your life. Move along.

Asking to meet immediately

I understand the desire to see if there’s real-life chemistry before you invest too much energy in someone online. But for women, meeting a man from the internet can be a risky endeavour. At best, we’re risking an awkward coffee date. At worst, we might find ourselves in real danger. That’s why one of my number one online dating tip for men is simply: be patient.

Get to know a prospective match at least a little bit first. Exchange a few messages. Don’t say “want to meet for a drink?” in the first message. Don’t ask to swap numbers or personal info, either.

Mentioning sex in the first conversation

Nothing tells me “this person doesn’t care about me as a human being” more than immediate sex talk. I don’t want to know about your fetishes, sext, send or receive nudes, or hook up before I’ve learned what you do for work or whether you’re a dog or cat person.

This is probably my single most important online dating tip for men: approach women as human beings. Because we are! A good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn’t say it to a stranger at a party, then don’t say it to a new contact on a dating app.

If you enjoy my writing or found these online dating tips for men into women useful, please buy me a coffee!