Long distance relationships can be hard, and that reality is no different in long distance polyamory. My girlfriend Em lives far enough away that we have to get on a plane to see each other (though close enough that we’re able to do so about once a month, and thankfully on a route with relatively cheap airfare, which is a huge blessing!)
As a result, we’ve had to get really good at growing, nurturing, and maintaining a long distance relationship. Though it’s probably more accurate to say I have had to get really good at these things – she already had these skills in spades due to also being in long-distance connections with her other partners.
In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.
This week’s card asks:
“How much and in what way would you ideally communicate with your partner(s) when you’re not physically together?”
I have no actual statistics to back this up, but my impression is that long distance relationships are more common in polyamory than monogamy. This is probably at least partly due to the fluidity polyamory affords, and the ability to enjoy each connection for what it is without needing it to fulfill all our needs.
In particular, long distance polyamory is unique in that many people in our community maintain long distance relationships for years or decades with no intention of ever living in the same place. Many of these relationships are happy, loving, committed, and serious.
5 Ways I Nurture My Long Distance Relationship
Before I met Em I thought it would be very difficult, if not impossible, for me to be happy in a long-term long distance relationship. But, like so many others, she’s blown that assumption completely out of the water in the best possible way.
Turns out that, with mutual attentiveness, high levels of emotional intelligence, and great communication skills, it’s possible to feel fulfilled – emotionally, romantically, sexually, relationally – in a relationship with someone who lives on a different landmass.
So what does that actually look like? Here are five of the ways we do it and some tips on how you might want to approach nurturing your long distance relationship (whether it’s polyamorous or monogamous.)
Setting Aside Focused Quality Time
We were laughing the other day about the fact that we schedule regular video call dates, but in reality we end up spending a minimum of an hour a day on the phone together most days anyway. This kind of quality time, whether it happens spontaneously or is planned, allows us to take some time to focus on each other and nurturing our relationship.
There are numerous ways you can do this. You might do a remote activity together, like watching a film or playing an online game, have phone sex (more on that in a minute), or just spend the time catching up and chatting. What matters is to figure out what works for you and your partner.
Including Each Other in Our Day to Day Lives
I love sending Em “outfit of the day” selfies (#femme4femme life amirite?) and I love when we send each other pictures and updates on whatever we happen to be doing, whether it’s working or cooking or travelling or spending time with friends.
One of the hardest things about long distance can be feeling separate and apart from each other’s everyday world. Taking the time to intentionally include each other makes our relationship feel more like a part of our daily lives and less like a part-time connection or a “holiday” from real life.
Intentional time, of the kind I talked about in the section above, is vital in a long distance relationship. But it’s just as important to have these smaller touch-points throughout the day.
Always Having the Next Visit Planned
Saying goodbye at the end of a visit is hard, but it would be infinitely harder if I didn’t know when I was going to see her again. We’re both planners, so always having the next visit in the diary is a breeze (and right now, writing this in early March, we have plans through August.) As someone who likes certainty in my relationships as far as possible, it helps enormously with feeling secure.
It also helps that we both take proactive roles in suggesting things to do and making plans, ensuring that the burden doesn’t disproportionately fall on either of us. Relationship logistics are a group project, y’all.
This might not be possible in every long distance relationship, of course. But if it’s feasible for you, I highly recommend it. I can’t overstate the difference it makes, turning parting from a moment of sadness to a bittersweet “I’ll miss you but we already have something else wonderful to look forward to.”
Getting Really Good at Phone Sex
I’ve long believed that phone sex, cyber sex, and sexting are all a form of real sexual relationship. And in a long distance dynamic, they can be an absolute godsend. Of course, it’s not quite the same as being in the same room as my love, being able to touch her and kiss her. But a hot encounter on the phone is an amazing way to keep a sexual connection alive across the miles. It’s also a form of weeks-long foreplay, ensuring we can’t wait to jump on each other when we’re together in person.
If you’re kinky, you can keep a D/s dynamic alive in a long distance relationship with remote play sessions, instructions, tasks, or pictures/videos. And if they’re your thing, phone sex with your long distance partner is the kind of situation that app-controlled vibrators are perfect for!
When I started dating Em and it became apparent that phone sex was going to be a part of our relationship, I delved back into Kate Sloan’s archives on this topic over on her blog, Girly Juice. Kate is one of the sex nerds and writers I admire immensely. Her phone sex content is a treasure-trove of tips and ideas, and I highly recommend it.
Building a Shared Relationship Language
Each relationship – whether local or long distance, monogamous or polyamorous – has its own language built from shared experiences, in-jokes, adventures had and challenges overcome. We build these languages word by word, sentence by sentence, and they start to come together to form the identity of a relationship.
In long distance relationship, I’ve found this shared language and shared identity of “us” to be even more crucial. Whether we’re giggling over something goofy that would lose all meaning if we tried to translate it for someone else, ranting about our shared political beliefs, or getting teary eyed together over a song that feels like it was written for us, all of these little pieces are something to hang onto on the days when the miles just seem too big and the weeks seem too long.
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