Tag: sexting

Two outlines of houses on a pink background with a heart between them, for a post on long distance polyamory and nurturing my relationship with my long distance girlfriend

Long Distance Polyamory: 5 Ways I Nurture My Long Distance Relationship [Polyamory Conversation Cards #21]

Published on by Amy

Long distance relationships can be hard, and that reality is no different in long distance polyamory. My girlfriend Em lives far enough away that we have to get on a plane to see each other (though close enough that we’re able to do so about once a month, and thankfully on a route with relatively cheap airfare, which is a huge blessing!)

As a result, we’ve had to get really good at growing, nurturing, and maintaining a long distance relationship. Though it’s probably more accurate to say I have had to get really good at these things – she already had these skills in spades due to also being in long-distance connections with her other partners.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How much and in what way would you ideally communicate with your partner(s) when you’re not physically together?”

I have no actual statistics to back this up, but my impression is that long distance relationships are more common in polyamory than monogamy. This is probably at least partly due to the fluidity polyamory affords, and the ability to enjoy each connection for what it is without needing it to fulfill all our needs.

In particular, long distance polyamory is unique in that many people in our community maintain long distance relationships for years or decades with no intention of ever living in the same place. Many of these relationships are happy, loving, committed, and serious.

5 Ways I Nurture My Long Distance Relationship

Before I met Em I thought it would be very difficult, if not impossible, for me to be happy in a long-term long distance relationship. But, like so many others, she’s blown that assumption completely out of the water in the best possible way.

Turns out that, with mutual attentiveness, high levels of emotional intelligence, and great communication skills, it’s possible to feel fulfilled – emotionally, romantically, sexually, relationally – in a relationship with someone who lives on a different landmass.

So what does that actually look like? Here are five of the ways we do it and some tips on how you might want to approach nurturing your long distance relationship (whether it’s polyamorous or monogamous.)

Setting Aside Focused Quality Time

We were laughing the other day about the fact that we schedule regular video call dates, but in reality we end up spending a minimum of an hour a day on the phone together most days anyway. This kind of quality time, whether it happens spontaneously or is planned, allows us to take some time to focus on each other and nurturing our relationship.

There are numerous ways you can do this. You might do a remote activity together, like watching a film or playing an online game, have phone sex (more on that in a minute), or just spend the time catching up and chatting. What matters is to figure out what works for you and your partner.

Including Each Other in Our Day to Day Lives

I love sending Em “outfit of the day” selfies (#femme4femme life amirite?) and I love when we send each other pictures and updates on whatever we happen to be doing, whether it’s working or cooking or travelling or spending time with friends.

One of the hardest things about long distance can be feeling separate and apart from each other’s everyday world. Taking the time to intentionally include each other makes our relationship feel more like a part of our daily lives and less like a part-time connection or a “holiday” from real life.

Intentional time, of the kind I talked about in the section above, is vital in a long distance relationship. But it’s just as important to have these smaller touch-points throughout the day.

Always Having the Next Visit Planned

Saying goodbye at the end of a visit is hard, but it would be infinitely harder if I didn’t know when I was going to see her again. We’re both planners, so always having the next visit in the diary is a breeze (and right now, writing this in early March, we have plans through August.) As someone who likes certainty in my relationships as far as possible, it helps enormously with feeling secure.

It also helps that we both take proactive roles in suggesting things to do and making plans, ensuring that the burden doesn’t disproportionately fall on either of us. Relationship logistics are a group project, y’all.

This might not be possible in every long distance relationship, of course. But if it’s feasible for you, I highly recommend it. I can’t overstate the difference it makes, turning parting from a moment of sadness to a bittersweet “I’ll miss you but we already have something else wonderful to look forward to.”

Getting Really Good at Phone Sex

I’ve long believed that phone sex, cyber sex, and sexting are all a form of real sexual relationship. And in a long distance dynamic, they can be an absolute godsend. Of course, it’s not quite the same as being in the same room as my love, being able to touch her and kiss her. But a hot encounter on the phone is an amazing way to keep a sexual connection alive across the miles. It’s also a form of weeks-long foreplay, ensuring we can’t wait to jump on each other when we’re together in person.

If you’re kinky, you can keep a D/s dynamic alive in a long distance relationship with remote play sessions, instructions, tasks, or pictures/videos. And if they’re your thing, phone sex with your long distance partner is the kind of situation that app-controlled vibrators are perfect for!

When I started dating Em and it became apparent that phone sex was going to be a part of our relationship, I delved back into Kate Sloan’s archives on this topic over on her blog, Girly Juice. Kate is one of the sex nerds and writers I admire immensely. Her phone sex content is a treasure-trove of tips and ideas, and I highly recommend it.

Building a Shared Relationship Language

Each relationship – whether local or long distance, monogamous or polyamorous – has its own language built from shared experiences, in-jokes, adventures had and challenges overcome. We build these languages word by word, sentence by sentence, and they start to come together to form the identity of a relationship.

In long distance relationship, I’ve found this shared language and shared identity of “us” to be even more crucial. Whether we’re giggling over something goofy that would lose all meaning if we tried to translate it for someone else, ranting about our shared political beliefs, or getting teary eyed together over a song that feels like it was written for us, all of these little pieces are something to hang onto on the days when the miles just seem too big and the weeks seem too long.

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Five of the Best Virtual Date Ideas

Published on by Amy

I resisted writing this post for some time, because it felt too close to the whole “moving our entire lives online during COVID” theme I was trying to avoid. However, there are many reasons beyond lockdown restrictions and public health fears why people might need – or even want – to go on digital dates. Long-distance relationships, limited funds, and illness are just a few of the ones I can think of.

So I wanted to share five of my best virtual date ideas with you guys today. I hope you find something here to inspire you. And, of course, you’re always welcome to share your own in the comments.

Movie night

You can use an app like Watch Party to share a virtual movie night, but it’s just as easy to sync up and hit “play” on your Netflix or DVD player at the same time… or even both watch the same movie as it’s being shown on TV.

You can video, voice or text-chat while you watch, if you wish, or just call each other afterwards and talk about the movie.

Get some popcorn and dim the lights for the full cinematic experience!

Looking for movie recs? Check out my friend Livvy’s blog, Sex Love and Videotape, for some inspiration!

Virtual museum tour

Did you know that museums all over the world have virtual tours of their galleries and exhibitions available online? Meet online to explore a virtual museum and video or voice-chat while you wander around.

The Albertina in Vienna, the Art Institute of Chicago, and the London’s Natural History Museum are just some of the world-renowned museums offering online tours right now.

Night at the theatre

Prior to the last few months, many of us could only access live theatre if we could get to a major city and afford the exhorbitant ticket prices (or get to one of the handful of cinemas that showed live-streamed versions.) Since March, however, tonnes of productions have gone online.

Pick a show, sync up, and hit play. Bonuses of the virtual theatre: you can wear your pyjamas if you want to, your bed is probably comfier than an actual theatre seat, and the drinks are cheaper!

Timeout‘s theatre sections have listings that refresh every couple of days!

Cheese and wine party

If you’re feeling fancy, why not share an online cheese and wine tasting? Get some interesting cheeses on your next trip to the supermarket (or order them online.) Pick up a bottle of wine (or two.) Enjoy them and compare notes on your favourites while you video-chat.

To take it up a notch, dress in your most over-the-top fabulous outfits.

Hot virtual sex date

Of course I wouldn’t be me without saying that some hot online sex is one of the best virtual date ideas of all!

Set aside the time to completely focus on each other, and get lost in some deliciously hot phone sex, sexting, or cyber-sex. An app-controlled sex toy can put your pleasure in your partner’s hands, no matter where in the world they are.

This post contains affiliate links. All views, as always, are my own.

Header image for a post on the kinky love languages and words of affirmation

The Kinky Love Languages: Words of Affirmation

Published on by Amy

This is the first in a mini-series of posts where I explore the five love languages as they can relate to kink and BDSM, and today we’re talking sweet yet kinky things to say to a Dominant or submissive whose love language is words of affirmation.

If you don’t know your main love language, take the quiz to find out. The model is imperfect, in that it assumes monogamy and offers quite a limited framework for relationships, but it’s a useful starting point for exploring how you like to give and receive love. Most of us will connect with most or all of the languages to some extent, but have one or two that stand out.

What is the Words of Affirmation Love Language?

People whose primary love language is words of affirmation like to hear that you love and value them. They like to be told explicitly, out loud, and in detail not only that you love them, but why. Of course, you will also need to back up your words with actions.

Let’s look at some of the things you can say to a kinky partner who has this love language.

Kinky Things to Say to a Submissive Who Loves Words of Affirmation

Do the words “good girl,” “good boy,” or equivalent make your submissive partner melt? Will they do anything for your praise? If so, their love language might be words of affirmation. Be generous with your words, be free with your praise, and never assume they know how I feel so I don’t need to say it. They might know how you feel, but they still want to hear it.

Tell them “I’m so proud of you” when they accomplish something. Say “you look so hot kneeling for me like that” during a scene. Compliments (on their achievements, talents, character, accomplishments, looks) should be given freely and often.

A submissive who needs words of affirmation is likely to need verbal reassurance sometimes, too. They might need to hear that you love them, that you value them, and that they’re not too much or too needy. If you’re in a non-monogamous dynamic, they’re likely to need verbal reassurance if they experience jealousy.

Writing tasks were made for submissives with this love language. Have your partner write down fantasies, reflect on your dynamic in a daily journal, or write down mantras to increase their confidence in themselves. You could even set “lines” as a punishment, if that’s a part of your relationship.

Make sure everything you say is genuine and heartfelt. A person who speaks this love language can tell when you’re parroting lines with no feeling behind them.

Kinky Things to Say to a Dominant Who Loves Words of Affirmation

People tend to forget that Dominants have emotional needs, too. Praise kinks are most often associated with submissives, but a Dom is just as likely as a sub to speak the words of affirmation love language.

A Dominant who is into words of affirmation might love to hear lots of verbal feedback during and after play. Don’t go overboard or fake it, but a well-timed “that feels so good” or “this is making me so hard/wet” is likely to go over well. After play, general words of appreciation (“I needed that so much, thank you”) or specific compliments (“the way you handle the whip is so sexy”) can make them glow.

It’s amazing how many submissives forget this: compliment your Dom! Tell her the way she looks in those boots makes you go weak at the knees. Make sure they know how much you admire their skills with rope. Tell them you love their laugh, their kindness, their devotion to their family, or their quirky sense of humour. Just pick something genuine and say it out loud.

However confident and stoic they seem, Doms can also feel insecure, jealous, sad, or lonely. Check in with your partner regularly as a fellow human being who cares about them. Remind them they’re loved, learn about their needs, and let them be vulnerable with you.

Finally, if your D-type sets you a writing task, do it promptly and to the best of your ability.

Words of Affirmation: Tips That Work For Anyone

It’s fun to say hot and kinky things to your partner, but remember to speak this language in other ways, too. Remind them of your confidence, faith, and pride in them. Build them up before an important event, celebrate their achievements, and help to lift their spirits when they’re down.

Don’t underestimate the power of written words, too. If you live apart (or even if you don’t!), a sweet “good morning” text or a message to say you’re thinking about them could make their whole day. Love letters, cute notes left around the house or slipped into their bag, and heartfelt cards on special occasions will be cherished.

Sexting was made for relationships between people who communicate their love in words. Share a fantasy, tell your partner about a sexy dream you had, or spin an elaborate scene together.

Most importantly, say “I love you.” Seriously. Say it often and say it with your entire heart. No-one who speaks the “words of affirmation” language will get tired of hearing it.

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6 Tips for Amazing Sexting

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Sexting has played a role in my sex life on and off over the years. As someone with a tendency to crush on (and sometimes date) attractive humans who live far away from me, sending and receiving sexy messages is a pretty ideal way to keep sexual connections going, and spark new ones, amidst my busy life. I like to think I’m a pretty good sexter at this point, so I thought I’d share six of my best sexting tips to help you and your partner(s) get more out of your erotic exchanges.

These tips are based on trial, error, experience, common sense, and feedback.

1. Perhaps the Best Sexting (and Sex) Tip of All: Pay Attention

Paying close, attuned attention to your partner(s) is perhaps the most critical part of any sexual encounter. When someone’s words are all you have to go on, and there are no body-language or tone or breathing cues to help you, it’s essential to tune into how they’re actually responding, not how you wish they were responding.

Are you getting a lot of positive feedback? Are they telling you it’s making them wet or hard or distracted? Have they added their own bits to the sexy narrative you’re building together?

If you’re getting one-word (or emoji), vague, or noncommittal responses, it’s probably a good time to pause and check in with your partner to make sure this is working for them. They might need a change of direction for the chat, or it might be time to take a pause or switch to non-sexual conversation for a bit.

2. Mirror Their Words Back to Them

This tip ties into the above: when you’re sexting, what terms does the other person use? How do they refer to their body, their genitals, the acts you’re discussing, or the dynamic between you? Are there particular phrases that come up again and again? Take these cues and mirror similar language back.

Many people have very strong associations with certain words, good or bad. For example, perhaps referring to a person’s genitals as their cunt makes them intensely uncomfortable, but the word “pussy” gets them going. Or vice-versa. Some people would love being called a filthy little slut, while others would find it degrading and demeaning in a negative way and would prefer you to hit them with some of their favourite praise-kink phrases. Take terminology and tone cues from your partner.

3. Keep It Simple

Sexting, despite what tips urging you to “get creative” might imply, is not a good time for flowery prose. (For real, there is no good time for flowery prose in my opinion.) Please leave out the tortured metaphors, cringey euphemisms, and comparisons to flowers or foodstuffs. Unless you want your sexts to be an entry in the Bad Sex Awards, that is.

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Explore New Territory…

Many people find sexting a relatively low-pressure and low-risk environment compared to in-person sex. This can make it the a great way to test out new kinks and fantasies that you might not be sure about.

Perhaps you’re not sure if you’d like something in reality but want to fantasise about it. Maybe something you want to explore in the fantasy realm is impossible or impractical to make into a reality, due to relationship dynamics or logistical challenges or the laws of physics. Or perhaps you’d simply like to try out a new roleplay dynamic, honorific, or kinky persona.

Don’t make a sudden left turn in the conversation without your partner’s input and consent. If you want to try something new, introduce it gently and get their buy-in before you do. Checking for consent can be a part of the scene and can be sexy in itself.

Pro tip: if you want to introduce something new mid-sexting, try a phrase like:

  • “I wonder how you’d react if I…”
  • “I kinda want to call you…”
  • “How do you feel about…?”
  • “I’ve been fantasising a lot about…”

Judge their reaction and proceed accordingly. And if they’re not into it, don’t panic. You can say “thanks for telling me where you’re at” and things can recover and carry on just fine.

6. And Perhaps the Best Sexting Tip I’ve Ever Received: Approach It As a Collaboration, Not a Performance

Again, this is arguably not just a tip for the best sexting of your life, but a tip for sex in general.

Sexting is all about building a scenario, scene, or encounter together with your partner(s). It’s not a monologue or a one-person show. Rather than starting out with an ultra-specific idea of where you want the chat to go, allow it to grow organically. Listen and respond at least as much as you type, and follow the energy wherever it leads.

Close up on a train track with a train in the background. Text reads: Long-distance BDSM

Long-Distance BDSM: 5 Ways to Keep Your Dynamic Alive When You’re Apart

Published on by Amy

Long-distance relationships can be challenging in all sorts of ways, from the emotional strain of missing each other to the expense and time involved in visits. Long distance BDSM adds another layer to this, and many kinky couples (whether their dynamic is 24/7 or not) find it hard to maintain their dynamic across the miles. If you’re trying to stay connected with your long distance sub or Dom and keep your dynamic alive, these tips might help you.

Long-Distance BDSM Tips for All Kinky Dynamics

I have some experience of long-distance relationships, including long-distance polyamory and long-distance BDSM, and so do many of my friends and loved ones. That means I’ve learned a few things about how to keep a kink dynamic alive and thriving no matter where you both are in the world.

Here are five things you might want to try. As always, take the ones that work for you and leave the ones that don’t.

Sext Each Other

Sexting is brilliant if, like me, you’re a wordy person. I love the anticipation when the other person is typing. I love tapping out my fantasies, planting ideas and imagery into my lover’s mind with my words. If you’re in a long-distance BDSM relationship, it’s easy to add a D/s element to your sexting. The Dominant partner can give the submissive partner instructions, or you can share fantasies of a scene you might like to do when you’re next together… or memories of one you already did.

There’s a kind of delicious collaboration that comes with building a scene or sexy story together in this way. Another advantage of sexting is that you can read the messages back at a later date if you want to.

Check out my tips for better sexting if you want to get better at fucking your partner with your words.

Have Phone Sex

Phone sex (or video call sex) is a bit like sexting, only more immediate and more visceral. You can hear your partner’s tone, hear their voice catch when you say something that really gets them, hear them gasp or moan as they touch themselves.

Long distance vibrators and other remote control toys can be a great addition to virtual or phone sex.

Instructions and Accountability for a Long Distance Sub

If your D/s relationship incorporates instruction or tasks outside of designated scene space, providing these from a distance can help to keep the submissive accountable and the long-distance BDSM dynamic strong.

This can take virtually any form you like. Instructions can be sexy (“send me a picture of your panties next time you go to the bathroom”), self-care based (“I want you to drink a pint of water before noon”), or anything else you can think of that fits your desires and context.

Plann and Negotiate Future Scenes

One nice thing about long-distance BDSM is that you have to be super intentional with your playtime. This means making plans, negotiating scenes, and talking about desires, limits, boundaries, and possibilities upfront. But BDSM negotiation isn’t just a necessity; it can also be a part of your dynamic in itself.

You know how, when you start planning a trip or vacation, you get those lovely feelings of excitement and anticipation about all the fun you’re going to have? It’s exactly the same when you start planning a kink scene you might play out in the future.

Not sure where to start? A Yes/No/Maybe list is a great way to get some ideas and find out more about where your kinks overlap.

Keep a Physical Reminder of Your Dynamic When You’re Apart

This is something I recommend for all long-distance relationships, but it can work particularly well for long-distance BDSM. A physical reminder – something you can look at, wear, touch, or hold – of your partner and your dynamic can help you to keep feeling connected and close when you’re apart.

A collar is an obvious example for a long distance sub, if that’s your thing. Other options could include a wearable such as a piece of jewellery or a pair of pet play ears, a kinky object such as a chastity device (or your partner’s device key), an item of your partner’s clothing or some of their perfume/cologne, a cuddly toy, a card or letter… whatever is most meaningful to the two of you and your dynamic.

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