Tongue vibrators are having a moment in a big way. In our ongoing quest to find a sex toy that feels like receiving cunnilingus (more on that below), companies are coming up with more and more interesting – and occasionally outlandish – variations on the tongue vibrator theme.
BestVibe, who have kindly sponsored a series of posts, have a large array of tongue vibrators in their catalogue. They sent me four to try out, compare and contrast, and ultimately judge for which one is my favourite.
Let’s go.
A Note on My Review Criteria
I’ve said this before and I’ll repeat it here: there is absolutely no such thing as a toy that genuinely feels like receiving cunnilingus from a partner. (I wish there was, because I would pay serious cash moneys for that product!) It just does not exist. Sex toy technology is not there yet.
Therefore, I will NOT be grading these toys on the extent to which they mimic cunnilingus. That is an unfair and currently impossible standard. Instead, I will grade them on the basis of factors such as:
- Materials
- Design and aesthetic
- Functionality
- Feel
- Power
- Volume
- Effectiveness (e.g. “did it get me off?”)
I’ll share the pros and cons of each product and give it a score out of 10.
Tongue Vibrator #1: “Rose Low Noise 5 Thrusting & Vibrating 7 Tongue Licking Vibrator” ($39.44)
Pros
- Made of body-safe silicone,
- It looks like a rose, which is kind of cute.
- Double-ended toy: features both a tongue for clitoral stimulation and a thrusting shaft for G-spot play.
- You can use both the features at the same time (great for sharing, I guess, though I can’t quite picture how the physics of that would work in practice) or separately (far more practical.)
Cons
- The tongue is far too rigid. Even on the lowest setting, it just HURTS. It’s a hard pointy thing flicking back and forth against your clit, and it’s exactly as unpleasurable as that sounds.
- The thrusting mechanism only moves about an inch and its movement is severely hampered by my vaginal walls when it’s actually inside me.
- The claim of “low noise” is hilariously untrue. It has the typical whining sound of any thrusting toy and the tongue part makes a distracting sort of buzz/rattle.
Verdict
Bad. 2/10.
Tongue Vibrator #2: Fiona Rose Clit Licking & Vibrating Stimulator Multifunctional Vibrator ($39.99)
Pros
- Made of body-safe silicone.
- The softer, more flexible tongue actually feels amazing on my clit.
- The “come hither” motion of the insertable end is excellent for G-spot stimulation.
- Each end can be controlled separately or used together.
- The long stem/cord design allows for more flexibility of positioning and more possibilities in using both ends at once if you want to.
- The flicking tongue end is very quiet when used by itself.
Cons
- The vibrations are very buzzy.
- Annoying mechanical whine when the G-spot stimulator is turned on.
- I’d have preferred fewer patterns and another level or two of continuous “licking.”
Verdict
Surprisingly decent. 6/10.
Tongue Vibrator #3: Beinlove Tongue Lick Rabbit Clitoris Nipple Vibrator ($73.84)
Pros
- The soft, flicking, textured tongue feels fantastic on my clit.
- Fully waterproof.
- Comes with two different size suction cups to accommodate different bodies and uses.
Cons
- Extremely weird and baffling aesthetic. Why does it have a bunny face and ears? How is that necessary? (Have we just inextricably associated rabbits with sex toys now… and can we please stop?)
- The clear cup part is supposed to provide a seal and stimulate the entire vulva via vacuum suction, but it just… doesn’t. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t get a seal. I suspect this might be because I have pubic hair. But if a sex toy relies on the user having no pubic hair in order to use it, then it is a badly designed sex toy.
- The suction cups don’t attach very well to the main toy. They’re either half falling off, or trapping the tongue so it doesn’t move properly.
- The noise. Dear god, the whining squeaking noise.
- The tongue and suction cups, i.e. the parts that actually come into contact with the body, are made of TPE rather than silicone. This is a porous material that will harbour bacteria and degrade over time.
Verdict
Interesting idea, poor execution. 4/10.
Tongue Vibrator #4: Helran 10 Vibrating & 7 Tongue Licking G Spot Stimulator ($79.99)
Pros
- Made of body-safe silicone.
- Steady and consistent licking motion that feels great when combined with plenty of lube. I prefer using the flat side rather than the pointier tip, but your mileage may vary of course.
- Actually made me cum! The only one of the 4 that did. It was a slow build and I think I’d need to be both very turned on already and quite patient, but it can actually get me there. So that’s nice given that, you know, it’s kinda the entire point of a sex toy.
- It warms up to 42C in use, which feels really nice.
- Some of the different pattern settings actually feel good! Knowing how I feel about patterns generally, this was a pleasant surprise.
Cons
- It’s a giant disembodied tongue. It has VEINS and everything. This toy feels the best of the four by far, but its aesthetic is nightmare fuel.
- There is absolutely no universe in which this is a G-spot stimulator. You COULD stick it inside yourself if you wanted, I guess, but the angle and type of stimulation is all wrong to do anything to a G-spot.
- The silicone is very grabby. This means it’s prone to picking up lint and dust and such. It also means you’ll need a LOT of lube to have a good time.
- Squeaky as fuck.
Verdict
Surprising no-one more than me, this one is actually the winner! A respectable 7/10.
This post was sponsored by BestVibe. My readers can enjoy 20% off all products in their store by using code “coffee” at checkout! All writing and views are, as always, my own.
