Tag: guest post

A man wearing a checked shirt and jeans sits on a bottom step with his head in his hands. Text reads: How damaging sexual scripts allow abuse of boys to thrive

[Guest Post] How Damaging Sexual Scripts Allow Abuse of “Lucky Boys” to Thrive by Poly Lone Ranger

Published on by Amy

Today’s post by Poly Lone Ranger, AKA James Mosley II (he/him), is an important topic that isn’t talked about anywhere near enough. Heads-up that this one comes with a trigger warning for abuse, rape, and sexual violence. It also discusses sexual scripts and the limiting, gendered, and cisheteronormative societal ideals around sex, bodies, and consent.

Amy x

How Damaging Sexual Scripts Allow Abuse of “Lucky Boys” to Thrive by Poly Lone Ranger

It’s Friday night, and I’m lounging in my room with a beer, fully engrossed in the TV miniseries A Teacher (currently on Hulu). For those who haven’t seen it, the show stars Kate Mara as Claire Wilson, a newly appointed AP high school teacher in her early 30s, and Nick Robinson as Eric Walker, Claire’s 17-year-old student on the cusp of college. What starts as Claire tutoring Eric for the SATs soon turns into an inappropriate intimate relationship between teacher and student.

As I watched, I noticed myself experiencing arousal during Eric and Claire’s interactions—a super unsettling reaction that made me think on how much cultural narratives shape our sexual responses, even when we intellectually recognize something as abusive. So I asked myself why. Why would I feel this way knowing what I was watching was an abuse narrative—a young boy being taken advantage of by someone in power?

Digging deeper, I came across BSc psychology grad Charlotte Houghton’s study Addressing Gender Bias in the Narrative of Teacher-Student Sexual Crimes [2]. Houghton calls out this trope: “Media coverage often portrays abusive female teachers as participants in ‘love affairs’ or ‘romances’ rather than categorizing them as sexual predators, as male teachers are typically labelled.”

That hit me hard. The same thing occurs with pornographic scenes and cultural conditioning. Maybe I wasn’t fantasizing freely on my own, but repeating what society had taught me to see as “desirable” and, in some minds, acceptable.

Why It Matters

According to the CDC as of 2025, one in 20 boys in the U.S. experiences child sexual abuse before adulthood [1]. Yet male victimization is immensely underreported because cultural norms discourage boys and men from seeing themselves as victims of sexual violence.

While most people correctly recognize sexual contact between an adult and a minor as abuse, society often reacts more leniently when the predator is a woman and the victim is a young boy. Dr. Houghton further notes that public perception of adult male teacher/minor female student abuse is overwhelmingly negative, but adult female teacher/minor male student cases are often romanticized or even outright eroticized.

Boys are handed scripts from a young age about what being a man means. These scripts come from the media, family, and peers. These narratives become instructions for how men “should” act in intimate and sexual scenarios, often erasing the acknowledgement of consent, emotional awareness, vulnerability, and the possibility of victimhood.

Let’s unpack seven common sexual scripts that disguise abuse as a normal or even desirable part of male development, silencing young boys while protecting predators.

What Are Sexual Scripts?

So what are sexual scripts? Sexual scripts, a term coined by sociologists John H. Gagnon and William Simon [6] and later expanded by N. Tatiana Masters, Erin Casey, Elizabeth Wells, and Diane Morrison [3], are social manuals teaching people how to conduct themselves intimately and/or sexually. These scripts become performed out on the world stage and are usually enacted subconsciously.

Masters’ study Sexual Scripts Among Young Heterosexually Active Men and Women: Continuity and Change [3] outlines some common male scripts: always desiring sex, initiating it, having strong “sex drives,” being skilled lovers, prioritizing sex over emotional connections, and seeking multiple partners.

Below are seven sexual scripts that help abuse of boys flourish:

  1. Men should always be ready and willing for sex
  2. Men should always initiate sex
  3. Masculinity is synonymous with sexual conquest
  4. Men are supposed to be dominant and in control
  5. Men must be skilled lovers naturally
  6. Men should prioritize penetration and orgasm
  7. Men shouldn’t show emotional intimacy or vulnerability during sex

Script 1: Men Should Always Be Ready and Willing

The assumption that men should always want sex disregards the requirement for them to consent to sex each time. Mark Travers, Ph.D., in Are Men Always Ready & Willing To Have Sex? [7] found that 61% of men reported “mild sexual compliance” in the past year. That is, they said yes to unwanted sexual activity simply because it was expected.

When boys internalize this script, they become easy targets. A teenage boy “going along” with an older woman’s advances may believe he consented, even when his gut said no. Predators can frame abuse as harmless or even generous: she “gave him” a sexual experience he was supposedly lucky to have.

This script primes boys to misinterpret coercion as a natural expectation, and ignores the very power imbalances that enable and normalize abuse.

Script 2: Men Should Always Initiate

From evolutionary “hunter” myths to contemporary media portrayals, boys are told they should pursue and chase everything sexual. When an older woman initiates, the taboo can feel erotic rather than predatory, at least on the surface.

Grooming often disguises itself as a choice. A boy may feel he “chose” the relationship, when in reality he was carefully steered by his abuser. Because society casts men as pursuers, young male victims may convince themselves they always had agency in the dynamic.

This script reinforces the idea that boys can be complicit in their own abuse.

Script 3: Masculinity is Synonymous with Sexual Conquest

When I was in middle school and high school, having sex was the ultimate status symbol among boys. Counting sexual partners became a toxic but common pastime. Masters’ study cites Ethan, a young man who felt it was his “mission” to have sex with “as many girls as I can,” even though it left him feeling unsatisfied. I’ve been there myself.

When masculinity is measured by the number of sexual partners (especially female partners), boys can even be pushed to count sex with a female predator as an accomplishment instead of harmful. Abuse becomes viewed as a trophy rather than a trauma.

Script 4: Men Are Supposed to Be Dominant and in Control

Societal narratives about masculinity conflate it with dominance. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) notes: “male survivors struggle to label abuse as abuse because vulnerability doesn’t
fit the dominant male role” [4]

Boys may interpret sex with an older woman as “being chosen” or “having power”, or “being the man” (as Eric Walker repeatedly says in A Teacher) as even when the power imbalance is stacked against them.

Sexual scripts that reinforce the idea of being a man alongside “dominance” prevents boys from acknowledging when they are in a situation in which they are overpowered or in danger, normalizing abuse under the guise of masculinity.

Script 5: Men Must Be Skilled Lovers Naturally

From medieval chivalry to modern porn, men are told they should already “know” how to perform sexually. This social expectation leaves no room for learning, confusion, or boundaries.

Boys may believe they naturally have components of intimacy such as consent figured out when they don’t. If an older woman initiates, the boy assumes he’s supposed to rise to the occasion and “perform”. He judges himself on skill instead of reflecting on his short life experience and giving himself space to learn, grow, and get to know himself.

Scripts that enforce performance over agency contribute directly to silenced boy victims.

Script 6: Men Should Prioritize Penetration and Orgasm

This script reduces sex to mechanics. Emotional impact and consent barely factor in.

Research on male sexual assault mentions that men often experience erections or ejaculation during assault. NSVRC adds, “Some men may question that sexual assault could have happened if part of it was enjoyable, or if they became physically aroused” [4].

Physical response isn’t consent. Scripts equating orgasm with pleasure or consent dismiss boys’ abuse as enjoyment, enabling predators.

Script 7: Men Shouldn’t Show Emotional Intimacy or Vulnerability

John Wayne. Gary Cooper. Clint Eastwood. From toxically masculine figures in film to emotionally shut-down fathers, boys are often taught, “don’t cry, don’t feel.” Vulnerability during sex is especially off-limits.

NSVRC explains: “men may feel the need to be silent about their abuse because of the internalized belief that men can’t be victims, or that men should not express weakness” [4].

If an older person crosses a line, there is little space for boys to process trauma. They may brag to peers or stay silent—both strategies that bury real harm. Scripts that enforce emotional suppression keep abuse
hidden and unacknowledged.

Sexual Scripts, Abuse, and a Cultural Double Standard

Reactions to abuse differ starkly by gender. Comment sections of headlines online describing female teacher/male student abuse are full of men saying, “where was she when I was in high school?!” While passed off as jokes such remarks excuse predators and erase boys’ victimhood.

Australian and U.S. studies of Facebook comments executed by Kristan Russell, Ph.D. confirm this: attractive female predators are often excused as “pretty women,” while male victims are framed as “lucky blokes” [5].

In Dr. Russell’s study participants read newspaper articles describing a case of a local teacher who engaged in sexual misconduct with a 17-year-old student. When the scenario was an adult female teacher and underage male student, the relationship was viewed to be less harmful to the student, the student to be more mature and responsible, and the relationship to be more acceptable. Society’s double standard hides abuse and shields perpetrators.

Real-World Consequences

These scripts don’t just warp perception. They leave deep scars. Male survivors of childhood sexual abuse face a higher risk of depression, anxiety, intimacy struggles, and substance abuse. Many disclose their experiences only decades later, if ever.

Society’s insistence that boys “enjoyed it” or were “lucky” leads survivors to gaslight themselves, misinterpreting abuse as consensual. Without validation, trauma festers, negatively impacting relationships, self-worth, and mental health.

Beyond Sexual Scripts: What Can We Do About It?

Now the good news is that sexual scripts aren’t permanent. Since they were learned, they can be unlearned.

First we must shift how we view offenses and stop romanticizing and/or eroticizing young male victimization, especially when the abuser is attractive and female. The “lucky boy” narrative isn’t harmless—it shields abuse.

If we want boys to speak up without shame, we must challenge these scripts. Male victimhood is as real and deserving of compassion as female victimhood. Boys who experience abuse deserve protection, recognition, and empathy. Anything less ensures the abuse continues. Until we rewrite these scripts, abuse will continue to hide in plain sight.

Sources & Further Reading

[1] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024, May 16). About child sexual abuse.
National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.

[2] Houghton, C. (2024, March 14). Gender bias in teacher-student sexual crimes. The
Academic. Retrieved August 21, 2025

[3] Masters, N. T., Casey, E., Wells, E. A., & Morrison, D. M. (2013). Sexual scripts among
young heterosexually active men and women: Continuity and change. Journal of Sex
Research, 50(5), 409–420.

[4] National Sexual Violence Resource Center. (n.d.). Understanding male socialization,
stigma, and reactions to sexual violence. National Sexual Violence Resource Center. Retrieved August 21, 2025

[5] Prairie View A&M University. (2021, April 26). Study: Teachers’ gender, sexuality, age
affect perceptions of sexual misconduct of students. Prairie View A&M University.
Retrieved August 21, 2025

[6] Gagnon, J. H., & Simon, W. (1973). Sexual conduct: The social sources of human
sexuality. Aldine Publishing Company.

[7] Travers, M. (2022, May 7). Are men always ready and willing to have sex?
Therapytips.org. Retrieved August 21, 2025

[8] Thomas, J. C., & Kopel, J. (2023). Male victims of sexual assault: A review of the
literature. Behavioral Sciences, 13(4), 304.

About the Writer

James Mosley II, AKA Poly Lone Ranger, is a writer, aspiring sexuality educator & researcher, and a current graduate student at Widener University, where he’s earning his M.Ed in Human Sexuality. He is passionate about non-monogamy, robust sex education, and helping others find and accept their most authentic selves in the realm of sexuality. James is the author of the children’s coloring book, “Coloring Connection VOL 1.” You can find more of his projects at https://beacons.ai/polyloneranger.

Hands holiding a heart-shaped asexual flag. Text reads: Redefining Kink Without Sex: Lessons in Non-Sexual BDSM by Void

[Guest Post] Redefining Kink Without Sex: Lessons in Non-Sexual BDSM from the Ace Spectrum by Void

Published on by Amy

I’ve published guest content on all kinds of experiences over the years here on C&K. We’ve talk about topics like medication-induced libido struggles and navigating complex mental health conditions. One thing I’ve got shamefully little content on, though? Asexual experiences. That’s why I jumped on this pitch from Void (any pronouns) all about the necessity of including non-sexual BDSM and kink in our parties, play spaces, and sex positive communities. I’ll hand straight over to them!

Amy x

Redefining Kink Without Sex: Lessons in Non-Sexual BDSM from the Ace Spectrum by Void

When someone searches online for the definitions of terms like “kink” and “BDSM,” results repeatedly mention sex. More than that, local adult clubs often intertwine swinger and kink events. Others have open floor plans, where sex is encouraged and indulged without offering any alternative experience. In the increasingly queerified BDSM community, there is a rising push towards inclusion for those who don’t need or want sex in their play scenes or dynamics. This means it’s time to evolve our definitions.

Redefining the concept of kink as something that can include sex but does not necessarily include it not only benefits people on the ace spectrum, but the community as a whole. Non-sexual BDSM awareness at events and clubs is the next step to queer inclusion. With Pride Month underway, I wanted to talk about how we can do it.

Debunking The Myth

People on the asexual spectrum who are sex-repulsed, averse, or ambivalent can still be kinky. Ace people are a diverse group, with some demisexuals and graysexuals having little difference in their preferences from allosexual people (those who experience consistent and active sexual attraction and desire.) Other ace people despise sex and would rather have nothing to do with it. To be clear, an ace person can desire sex for many reasons and still not want to see it during every visit to their local BDSM club.

Kink is supposed to be about consensual play, and not all play is sexual. It can be fun with friends, meditative, or even done solo without a partner. Someone can tie a chest harness as a service and keep watch while the bottom blisses out on bondage-induced serotonin. Pet play can be purely aesthetic as a puppy dresses to the nines in a leather suit and mask. Maybe someone wants to be a hypnotized doll for a day, or is a platonic caregiver for their friend who struggles to access little space.

Existing Writings on Non-Sexual BDSM

The Barefoot Backpacker details his personal experience with being kinky and ace in his post Asexuality and Kink. He writes: “Being tied doesn’t arouse me… I’ve almost fallen asleep whilst hogtied before, simply because it relaxes me so much.” He delves further into how his own asexuality is expressed through rope play, which often includes platonic cuddling and touching during scenes.

Exploration of non-sexual BDSM can also include long-term kink dynamics. The paper Ace of (BDSM) Clubs: Building Asexual Relationships Through BDSM Practice by Lorca Jolene Sloan expands upon how power dynamics can be not only validating but also empowering for ace people. Through 2-hour interviews with 15 ace people, Sloan found that BDSM structures enable asexual people to talk about non-sexual dynamics. This is because the community emphasizes embracing vulnerability and practicing meticulous dynamic negotiation, the author further explains.

The language to discuss different sexual preferences and feelings is already laid down in how we talk about bodily autonomy, personal boundaries, and kink limits. In her conclusion, Sloan observes that her interviews with asexual practitioners of BDSM provide a new perspective on building intimate relationships outside of sex or sexual desire. This opens up the potential for allosexual people to also consider whether sex is necessary in certain parts of their dynamics and to reimagine the relationships they can have with asexual partners.

Fostering Non-Sexual BDSM and Kink Inclusion

Once the kink community starts separating kink from sex and we start changing our definitions, then we can begin building a more inclusive community. Not every space or event has to include sex. In fact, some discourage or disallow sexual activity, especially at social events or when including new members.

Looking for some ideas for non-sexual BDSM activities? How about…
  • BDSM classes
  • Kinksters’ game nights
  • Cuddle puddles
  • Sleepovers
  • LGBTQ+ and polyamorous meetups
  • Platonic play nights
  • “Tasting” parties that allow a bottom to experience a variety of kinks with vetted, experienced tops at their local club. This allows new members to try out activities when they don’t have a partner as well as encouraging a communal play space where kink isn’t inherently sexualised.

The structure of venues can also include separate platonic/non-sexual play spaces and social areas. Not only does this provide a more inclusive environment, it can also be a non-stimulating space for aftercare, relaxing, and breaks from play.

For example, Voodoo Leatherworks, an alternative lifestyle community center in Colorado, has a play area and social lounge separated by closed double doors. While sex is allowed in the play area, the lounge requires clothing that covers erotic areas at all times and sex is prohibited.

Even if a kink space cannot afford a large, expansive venue with separate spaces, being conscientious that not all members will want to participate in sexual voyeurism and considering diverse perspectives on how events and venues can be structured also helps. Listen to asexual voices in the community. Have those discussions. Ask local leaders what else can be done to include non-sexual BDSM in play spaces. All of these are invaluable steps towards change.

Does this mean sex should be discouraged? No! Inclusion ultimately means all sexualities and deviations are welcome. BDSM has long been associated with sexual revolution and reclamation. There is absolutely no reason for better ace inclusion to detract from that. Rather, the intent is to also include asexual experiences and desires. This will mean changing how we communicate and participate within kink and sex. No one is being asked to stop being a slut. And asexual people can be sluts too!

Embracing Non-Sexual BDSM For a Better Community

Kinky ace people already exist and always have. We participate in community discussions, attend events, and play with all sorts of people in many different kinks and activities. Therefore, ace inclusivity is sorely needed to make everyone feel welcome. The misconception that kink and BDSM have to be sexual is harmful. It’s also perpetuated by community spaces encouraging sex with play at all their events.

There are many ways to start the discussion about distinguishing kink from sex and the sooner definitions start to change, the sooner we can build a better community that includes those who are uncomfortable around sex. This extends beyond ace people, by the way. It also includes those recovering from sexual trauma, those primarily interested in building community, and those just burnt out from being propositioned for sex at every event they attend.

The asexual spectrum teaches a lot of lessons that expand upon our understanding of sexual desire and attraction. Ultimately, it teaches people that it’s okay to not want sex. Sex is everywhere. It is also often filtered through harmful mainstream views and practices like misogyny, heteronormativity, and toxic monogamy culture. Even if someone isn’t ace, sometimes the last thing on their mind is sex. Sometimes, it’s a fun night laughing with friends as they yelp to the sting of a violet wand. Or finding out paddling puts them in a relaxed state of mind where their anxiety melts away and all that remains is the rhythmic, warming thud against their ass. Or an uninterrupted moment of self reflection as they clutch their favorite stuffy.

Kink comes in all colors of the rainbow and in all flavors of queerness. It’s past time to honor the asexual one.

About the Writer

Void is an experienced sub and Dom with a passion for minority topics. They are omnigender, pansexual, gray ace, polyamorous, and neurodivergent. In their free time they enjoy writing, reading, taking care of her cat Maya, and playing video games.

Header image for guest post featuring an interview with Nour Fakhoury by JD Harlock

[Guest Post] Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury’s “Titties”: Resistance Against Misogynistic Censorship in the Arab World with Erotic Graphic Novels by J. D. Harlock

Published on by Amy

Something a bit different today, friends! Writer J. D. Harlock approached me about doing this interview with graphic novelist Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury about her new erotic graphic novel, “Titties.” It’s a fascinating read and I can’t wait to read the comic, too.

Amy x

Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury’s Titties: Resistance Against Misogynistic Censorship in the Arab World with Erotic Graphic Novels by J. D. Harlock

Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury is a SWANA graphic novelist who, after graduating from the Lebanese Academy of Fine Arts (ALBA) in 2015, sought to immerse herself in the world of visual storytelling. Following years of honing her craft in the Lebanese art scene, Nour joined Samandal Comics, a SWANA comics collective in Lebanon dedicated to developing the medium of comics in the Arab World. Currently, her work is primarily focused on autofiction, which presents intimate stories with an exaggerated art style in hopes of accentuating them.

Recently, Nour agreed to sit down for an interview to discuss her semi-autobiographical erotic graphic novel Titties. Titties explores the tumultuous sex life of a character loosely based on the author in one-page stories recounting adventures with various sexual partners. By presenting these encounters in an unapologetically explicit manner, Nour hopes to provoke the reader to confront the uncomfortable realities prohibition, repression, and marginalization of sexual experiences. Ultimately, this fearless act of transgression is all in service of pushing the limits of self-expression in Lebanon, where censorship is increasingly present, with few options left to resist the status quo. 

Here are some highlights from my conversation with Nour.

Cover image of the graphic novel Titties by Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury. A cartoon of a woman reclining on a red bed with her hands behind her head. She is naked apart from a pair of red panties.

J. D. Harlock: As someone who’s been blessed to have spent his entire life in Beirut, it pains me to say this, but the Arab world isn’t known as a hub for graphic novelists, such as yourself, Nour. Even if titles are available in bookshops in Lebanon, the selection is typically limited to a select few titles from countries like the US, France, Belgium, Japan, and the UK. Speaking from experience, it’s almost impossible for a local to read enough to learn the craft without spending a fortune or sailing the high seas of digital piracy. In addition to my excitement when I meet a fellow comics fan from this part of the world, I’m always curious to find out how they became fans of the medium in the first place. So Nour, tell us how you first came to experience the exhilarating world of sequential art?

Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury: When I was a child, a French comic artist whose name I can’t recall came to our school for a presentation. What intrigued me was the notion that you could draw the same character over and over for pages to tell a story. Back then, people used to call me “Miss Curious” because I would ask too many questions about people’s lives. I wanted to hear their stories, the intimate ones—the ones they wouldn’t share over coffee with a neighbor. It is as if I wanted to know the origin stories of people, where they come from, and how they became who they are.

Of course, this desire is directly connected to Palestine, where lies my own origin story, which I’ve unfortunately never had the chance to explore in person due to the Zionist occupation. Since words were never my strong point, I’ve always had difficulties expressing myself through writing. Doing it through drawing, however, was seamless. Even when I hear a song, I rarely focus on the words, but feel the feelings in the images.

So, between my love for stories and my connection to drawing, it was evident I’d specialize in it. Of course, now I’ve also tamed the world of words, and I use them more and more in my dialogues and descriptions. However, when I first started illustrating comics, most of them were silent.

J. D. Harlock: How did you end up joining Samandal Comics?

Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury: My introduction to Samandal Comics happened while I was at university. I discovered their publications for the first time and realized that there was a comics scene in Lebanon with an audience for adult comics. Eventually, I met Lena Merhej, one of the founders of Samandal Comics, while working on an anthology in which we both have stories featured. A year later, Samandal member Joseph Kai invited me, Karen Keyrouz, and Tracy Chehwan to join the collective and have our generation take the lead. Without hesitation, I agreed.

J. D. Harlock: And why did you choose Samandal to be the publisher of Titties?

Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury: I chose Samandal to be my publisher because I wanted my story published and read in Lebanon by Lebanese people. However, when it came time to print the comic, the printing house had reservations about the content. It was too explicit and daring. My second option was to print it with our collective in France and then distribute it in Lebanon, which is what I ended up doing.

J. D. Harlock: What inspired your erotic graphic novel Titties?

Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury: I recently read several comics by Ulli Lust and Julie Doucet. I loved their narrative style—works of autofiction revealing so much vulnerability and crudeness while simultaneously depicting relationships with intimacy. These comics made me reflect on both my narrative style and my relationships.

Meanwhile, I was in an open relationship for the first time, and I was hooking up with several people at the same time. Navigating that experience for the first time in my life was eye-opening. After each sexual encounter, I started drawing pages as if to process what had happened, and I would share them with friends as a way to recount to them what was happening and have a laugh. After a few months of doing so, I realized that I had what could become a comic.

J. D. Harlock: Given the subject matter and how conservative certain segments of Lebanon are, were you worried about any potential backlash from its release?

Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury: Of course, I was worried, but I also knew that this comic would be distributed in safe spaces. As for my parents and family, I knew they wouldn’t read and see it. They are absolutely not my target audience. However, both my parents knew I was publishing it. Obviously, my mother wasn’t pleased, but she understood that this was my life and my work. She knew how to detach herself from it. On the other hand, my father has no clue what’s inside the comic; he only knows it’s a feminist work exploring women’s sexuality.

J. D. Harlock: So, how would you describe the response to the release of Titties so far?

Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury: The response was wonderful. Initially, we printed a small batch to see how readers would react. It sold out right away, so we printed several more editions and all of them sold out, too! A friend of mine had to buy more than ten copies because each time his visitors saw it, they’d snatch it off his shelf! Eventually, it reached the shores of Italy. An Italian publisher translated it into Italian and sold copies of it there, too.

J. D. Harlock: What were you hoping to achieve by sharing these experiences?

Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury: I wanted to normalize discussions of sexuality and sexual orientation in Lebanon so that we can be open to experimenting and exploring our kinks. Readers were meant to laugh with the protagonist, shattering the taboos that repress our sexual experimentation. I hoped to accomplish this through the “female gaze,” which is frankly lacking in Lebanese literature.

I also wanted to connect sex to the external world—politics, nonsexual traumas, and their impact on the body and desire. We tend to think of sex as a purely sexual act. But it is informed by everything that surrounds us.  There is no way to tell if this is what my readers got out of reading Titties, but I received great feedback from readers. I hope this story impacted them the way I hoped it would.

J. D. Harlock: Do you plan to release more work in the vein of Titties in the future?

Nour Hifaoui Fakhoury: Yes, I am currently working on the second tome of this comic, Titties Too, in which the character explores her bisexuality or pansexuality also through an open relationship. At the same time, I’m also working on an erotic lesbian graphic novel called Labrys with a Belgian publishing house that’s even more visually explicit, in which the characters are in a long-distance relationship. With this graphic novel, I hope to explore long-distance sexuality facilitated by new technologies such as vibrators connected to phones.

J. D. Harlock: And that’s a wrap for now! Thank you for your time, Nour. As always, I’m looking forward to reading these graphic novels—as I usually am with all of Samandal Comics’ releases when they first hit Lebanese shelves. And I hope we can have another interesting deep-dive about them when the time comes!

About the Writer

J. D. Harlock is an Eisner-nominated SWANA American writer, researcher, editor, and academic pursuing a doctoral degree at the University of St. Andrews. His writing has appeared in Business Insider, Newsweek, The Cincinnati Review, Strange Horizons, Nightmare Magazine, The Griffith Review, Queen’s Quarterly, and New York University’s Library of Arabic Literature. You can find him on LinkedIn, Bluesky, Twitter & Instagram.

Close-up on a pair of bondage handcuffs for a post on medical restraints sponsored by Klinik Bondage

[Guest Post] Restraints for Medical Kink: How and Why Do People Use Them in BDSM? by Lorenz Engel

Published on by Amy

One of the best things about my job? Learning about niche kinks and why people are into the things they’re into. That’s why I’m pleased to be hosting this guest post on medical kink/fetish from Lorenz (he/him), the founder of Klinik Bondage. In it, he shares his unique perspective on medical restraints and the relationship between functionality and desire.

Amy x

Restraints for Medical Kink: How and Why Do People Use Them in BDSM? by Lorenz Engel of Klinik Bondage

Medical kink is a form of erotic roleplay in which participants consensually explore scenarios inspired by clinical or hospital environments. This can include elements like physical exams, medical restraints, latex gloves, or clinical tools—often paired with a strong power dynamic, vulnerability, or the taboo of clinical authority. 

For many, the appeal of this fetish lies in the psychological intensity: the blend of trust, control, and intimacy that comes from simulated “treatment.” Some also enjoy the aesthetic of medical settings, while others find the structure and formality arousing. 

Though comprehensive statistics are limited, the information we do have suggests that medical play is a niche but significant interest in the BDSM community. For example, a 2015 Fetlife user survey by Dr. Brad Sagarin found that around 20% of respondents had engaged in some form of medical fetish play, with many citing its psychological edge and ritualistic nature as central to its appeal.

It is important to note that people with a medical kink do not typically find actual medical treatments arousing. This is an area where fantasy and reality sharply diverge. 

Use of Restraints in Medical Kinks 

People who have a medical kink or fetish sometimes use restraints to enhance the pleasure and power dynamics of these scenarios. For many players, restraints play an integral role in the kink. 

Restraints such as leather cuffs, straps, or handcuffs can be used in role-playing scenarios where the restrained partner submits to the dominant one. The feeling of complete immobilization can make physical sensations more intense and create a more immersive psychological experience. 

As with everything in BDSM and sex, medical play is based on mutual consent. Both/all partners must agree on boundaries, limits, and what activities are and are not on the table. Safewords and clear communication are essential. 

How A Small BDSM Brand is Reinventing This Kink

For years, those interested in medical kink had limited options, often resorting to repurposed hospital equipment or makeshift solutions. However, our small German brand Klinik Bondage has recognized the unique needs of the BDSM community and created purpose-built, high-quality gear for medical players.

At KlinikBondage® we like to think that these key innovations set our products apart:

  • Long-Term Comfort: The restraints are designed for extended wear, with materials that are soft at key pressure points. This prevents discomfort while maintaining immobilization for the submissive partner. 
  • Magnetic Locking System: Klinik Bondage incorporates powerful magnetic locks in our BDSM medical restraints, making them both secure and easy to release with specialized keys. These locks provide an added layer of control, ensuring that only the keyholder can grant freedom. For safety, we strongly recommend always keeping a spare key within reach and never leaving a bound person unattended. Consent, care, and risk mitigation are the foundation of every scene.
  • Customizable Bed Restraints: Klinik Bondage offers a variety of bed restraints that can be adapted to different bed sizes and setups, ensuring a perfect fit for any body and any scene.
  • Premium Materials: Made from high-quality and skin-friendly bio-cotton, our restraints are both durable and washable, making them ideal for long-term play without compromising hygiene or comfort. 

More Than Just a Bed Restraint

While most people associate medical kink restraints with beds, their application in BDSM goes far beyond that. Klinik Bondage offers wrist and ankle cuffs, body harnesses and much more, designed for long-term immobilization, creating a full-body experience that emphasizes helplessness. 

There’s also an increasing interest in self-bondage within medical-themed play. Devices like frost locks—time-release mechanisms using melting ice—allow solo players to experience prolonged immobilization while maintaining an element of safety. The psychological challenge of waiting for release can intensify the experience, adding layers of anticipation and mental endurance.

A word of warning here: solo bondage is a form of edge play and can be dangerous. Never restrain yourself without easy access to a quick-release mechanism for emergencies and a means of calling for help if you need it. And never, ever, ever put any kind of restraint around your neck or do anything to restrict your breathing. 

Exploring the Depths of Control

Medical kink and restraint play in BDSM is not just about physical immobilization—it’s a journey into mental surrender. The feeling of being securely bound in a system designed for absolute stillness can be both calming and intensely erotic. Whether used for roleplay, sensory deprivation, or long-term confinement, medical restraints offer a structured and immersive way to explore deep levels of submission and control. 

More than just a fetish, medical restraints bring a uniquely intense experience of restriction and immobilization to your kinky scenes. 

About the Writer

Lorenz Engel is the founder of Klinik Bondage, a German BDSM brand redefining modern fetish aesthetics. With a background in fiber engineering and a deep passion for the kinky community, he’s been pushing the boundaries of fetish aesthetics since 2020.

Heads up: this post contains sponsored links. All content and views are the writer’s own!

Header image for Destiny Marshall guest post on losing your libido on antidepressants

[Guest Post] When Your Antidepressant is Anti-Libido by Destiny Marshall

Published on by Amy

Remember the fantastic guest post about navigating OCPD and sex back in October? I’m delighted to welcome writer Destiny Marshall (she/her) back again today with another post about depression, antidepressants and libido – a struggle I know all too well!

Over to Destiny!

Amy x

When Your Antidepressant is Anti-Libido by Destiny Marshall

Sometimes, we have experiences but don’t give serious thought to them until something or someone else draws our attention to them. That’s what happened to me when I read Karen Colby’s post about her sex life on Coffee & Kink. When she mentioned coming off certain medications and regaining her sex drive, I suddenly remembered my own experience with psychotropic medication and how those antipsychotics and antidepressants impacted my libido.

For a bit of background, I grew up in purity culture. It wasn’t until I was 20 that I had sex for the first time. Even before then, though, I knew I was really into sex. I had a multitude of crushes, and I was an accomplished flirter. Feeling guilty over my “sins” didn’t stop me from making out with people often.

Sometime after starting university, I broke out of purity culture. That was when I started actively considering having sex. My first time didn’t cause stars to fall from heaven, but it was beautiful and I knew I wanted to do it often. Once I started, there was no stopping me. I was sex-positive before I knew the term existed.

In 2020, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, clinical depression, and generalised anxiety disorder. My psychiatrist wanted to place me on medication. I was hesitant, because of some vaguely negative view of psychotropics. But I was at rock bottom, thanks in part to the COVID-19 pandemic, and I needed help to get myself up. I was prescribed an antidepressant, and soon afterwards, an antipsychotic. And so it began.

What My Antidepressants Did to My Libido

I daresay that no doctor ever hands you a prescription and says, “Here’s to wrecking your sex life!”. In my experience, the only drugs worse for my libido than antidepressants and other mental health medications were hormonal contraceptives, but that’s a whole other blog post.

I lost a great deal of control over my body while on the medication. I no longer had any say over when I wanted to sleep, because I was sleeping most of the time, and I bloated up like a ball. My dreams got weirder and weirder. My already healthy appetite felt like it was on steroids. Worse still, I nearly had an aneurysm thinking I’d got breast cancer when I started secreting breastmilk (a side effect of risperidone that nobody tells you about). But few side effects bothered me more than the loss of my sex drive.

At first, I didn’t notice what was happening. It started as feeling a bit disconnected when sexting with my then-boyfriend. I thought the physical distance between us was the matter, and I’d feel all spicy once I was with him again. But the anticipated spiciness still failed to come through when we got together in person. I couldn’t find my enthusiasm any more. So I admitted to myself that I was having a low libido moment, and assumed things would be better next time.

I started getting worried when the next time was a lot worse. Here I was, with a person I loved and was crazily attracted to, and I didn’t want to kiss him. I didn’t want to be touched by him. I finally had a lightbulb moment and linked my libido dip to the antidepressant drugs I was taking. It felt a bit comforting to know I wasn’t losing my love of sex out of the blues, but that didn’t make it any easier to accept.

What to Do About It?

I tried to fight my way back to being a sex lover. The disconnect between the great sex I’d had in the past and my present, fumbling self was disconcerting. I tried going into a performative mode to keep my reputation alive, but it just wasn’t working. I didn’t feel like sex, and that was that.

Tired out, I surrendered. When sex partners asked what was up, I let them know I was on medication and as a result, was no longer in the mood. I started thinking that, perhaps, I might never like sex again. I started wondering what all the fuss about sex was about. Porn nauseated me. I forgot how it felt to touch myself.

On the flip side, I was feeling better mentally. Trading sexual pleasure for peace of mind seemed like a perfectly good bargain. Despondency soon gave way to acceptance. I had lost my libido to my antidepressants, and that was alright. I settled into my non-desire for sex. It wasn’t the end of the world.

I was on the meds for two years. In that time, I got quite a lot better. But the side effects had still not really worn off, and I was becoming tired of them. After two years, I did some research and weaned myself off the meds, since my psychiatrists wouldn’t listen to my consistent requests to come off them. I can’t remember what I expected, but my desire for sex didn’t come roaring back. For some time, things were as they were. It didn’t help that I was far away from most of my sex partners.

But slowly, my desire was returning. I started off returning to masturbating. I was thrilled to feel horny again, even if only slightly. When I had been enjoying solo sex for a bit, I finally wanted to be with another person again. My hormones were still finicky, so the road to libido restoration was slow and bumpy. But it did happen.

I’m glad I got off the meds. They had done their job when I needed them to, and I was doing well with therapy. Their side effects were beginning to outweigh their benefits. The medical community has a long way to go in listening to patients, so it helps to be in tune with our bodies and minds, to know what they need at each point and to honour that.

Looking back at the experience, I wish I’d given myself more grace and hadn’t felt the need to force a desire that wasn’t there. It’s alright to not want sex all the time (or at all), no matter how sex-positive you are. We needn’t place sex-god/goddess expectations on ourselves, and we have no business shouldering other people’s expectations, either.

Desire isn’t a constant. Libido dips and peaks, based on all kinds of variables including antidepressants and other medications. But what we can make a constant in our lives is being true to how we feel at any given moment. The best sex we’ll ever have is the sex we really want to have.

About the Writer

Destiny Marshall is obsessed with the interconnectedness of mental health and sexuality. When she’s not writing about that, she works on her meme scientist ambitions and gets to know her bed better.

Header image for guest post on OCPD by Destiny Marshall

[Guest Post] Navigating Sex When You Have OCPD by Destiny Marshall

Published on by Amy

I’m sure you all know by now that I am passionate about mental health, destigmatising mental health challenges, and integrating our sex lives with our mental health in positive and sustainable ways. That’s why I was delighted to accept this guest post from writer Destiny Marshall (she/her) all about navigating sex with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, or OCPD.

Navigating Sex When You Have OCPD by Destiny Marshall

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) is a mental health disorder that causes a chronic preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and control. A person with OCPD is rigid in the way they see life and carry out everyday tasks. Flexibility and compromise are dangerous and hated words. And they often don’t realise that their behaviour and thought patterns are problematic. As far as they’re concerned, their way is THE way, and you lot are just wrong.

OCPD is different from the more familiar Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). With OCD, unwanted and intrusive thoughts (obsessions) cause one to engage in repetitive behaviours (compulsions) to relieve the distress. People with OCD are usually aware that they have a problem and need professional help. Not so with OCPD folks.

When I got my OCPD diagnosis, my obsession with perfectionism and order and absolute control suddenly made a lot of sense. But I never considered that the disorder might be affecting my sex life. 

That was until one night, a partner texted to say they were in my neighbourhood and what about a quickie in the car? That sounded far from great to me. I’m not a spontaneous person who will just dash out their door to go grab an orgasm, even if they were in the mood and the world was ending in ten. If it’s not in my to-do list, it will have to wait to get pencilled in.

I tried to wiggle out of the proposition from my partner. But in the end, I acknowledged to myself that living a little would not kill me, even if it messed with my precious daily schedule.

The sex wasn’t bad. It could’ve been much more, but I couldn’t shake off the fact that this was deviating from how I thought sex should be. And that’s before we get into how tricky cleanup can be in a space as constricted as a car. I was thoroughly uncomfortable.

That experience made me introspect and realise all the tiny little ways that OCPD was sabotaging sex for me.

A person with OCPD may find themselves having rigid expectations of how sex should play out – which is perfectly. Any deviation from this “ideal” is nothing short of a failure. And because life is life and we can’t guarantee perfection in every situation, OCPD folks find themselves in a pattern of avoidance, dissatisfaction, or both.

In trying to keep up to standard, people with OCPD may turn sex into a performance. You know what I’m talking about – hitting those moan-notes you think you ought to be hitting even when you’re not feeling like it; keeping it going even when your mind is no longer in it, because it’s supposed to be enjoyable and admitting it isn’t is a catastrophe of great magnitude.

Strategies for Navigating Sex and OCPD

Sex usually calls for some level of spontaneity and surrender. But are we really our OCPD selves if we relinquish control? The universe forbid we should let go and enjoy ourselves without inhibition!

It’s stifling. You want to live a little, but you feel like you’re wired not to. What to do?

Having OCPD and having a fun sex life don’t have to be mutually exclusive. In my experience, patience and communication and self-compassion can Make Love Great Again. Below are some strategies that have helped me. Feel free to pick what works for you and trash the rest:

Acknowledge Your Feelings

It’s essential to recognise and accept how you feel about sex. Whether you’re anxious, frustrated, or even ashamed of your struggles, these feelings are valid, and acknowledging them is the first step toward addressing them. Sit with yourself and have that solo TED Talk.

Communicate with Your Partner

One time, right before meeting up with a partner, I got into a depressive bout. I didn’t want to bail out because that would ruin my schedule and all the expectations, which would be unforgivable. At some point, prodded by my partner, I finally opened up about how I was feeling. They were super supportive, and we walked through our feelings to a place that felt good. It ended in the tenderest lovemaking.

Communicating with your partner is key. Let them know about your challenges and how OCPD affects your experience of sex. This builds understanding and a supportive environment where you both feel comfortable. Be honest, and set clear boundaries that make you feel safe. 

Focus on Connection, Not Perfection

Sex, like life, doesn’t have to be perfect to be enjoyable. We all know this, but we usually need to be reminded. 

Mindfully ground yourself in the present. Attune all your senses to the moment. When you find your mind wandering, gently draw yourself back to your body, where it is in space, and what’s happening to it.

Give yourself grace to let yourself go, then let yourself go. If it helps, take away attention from yourself: focus on the person(s) you’re with, and how they’re experiencing the moment with you.  

Develop a Pre-Sex Ritual…

Creating a pre-sex ritual can help you transition from your daily routine to a more relaxed state. Maybe you take a warm bath; practice mindful breathing; say a mantra (you can borrow mine: Right now, in this moment, pleasure, not perfection); or spend time cuddling with your partner. A ritual helps signal to your brain that it’s time to shift gears, which can help reduce anxiety.

…And a Post-Sex Ritual

It’s a lot easier for me to let myself go and get as messy as the situation calls for, when I know I can take all the time I need to clean and organise and get back into routine afterwards.

Personality disorders take time to work on. You’re not going to wave a wand and suddenly banish your desire for order and control. Making provisions for returning to whatever normalcy feels like for you after sex can help you enjoy the moment a lot more.

Seek Help

If OCPD is significantly affecting your sex life, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide you with tools to manage your symptoms and navigate sexual experiences more effectively.

If trustworthy professional help is something out of your reach (and even if it isn’t), prioritise self care. A therapy skills workbook, which you can work through at your own pace, can also help greatly.

Practise Self-Compassion

Living with OCPD can be challenging. We tend to beat ourselves up for every little failure, real or imagined. Self-compassion, then, is a must. 

Remember to be kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned, and remember that it’s okay to struggle. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough. Paste that everywhere so you don’t forget for a second.

Celebrate small wins when you make progress, and forgive yourself when you fail a little. Everyone falls off sometimes. Even your favourite influencer.

So, yeah, sex can get messy and disorderly. But that’s not going to stop us from channelling our inner Inanna and lusting ourselves out, OCPD be damned. Amen.

About the Writer

Destiny Marshall is obsessed with the interconnectedness of mental health and sexuality. When she’s not writing about that, she works on her meme scientist ambitions and gets to know her bed better.

Header image featuring keys in a range of sizes for a guest post from Total Chastity

[Guest Post] What Does “Total Chastity” Mean to You?

Published on by Amy

I’ve written for Total Chastity a couple of times before, and this time their team pitched me a guest post of their own! They decided to poll their customers on what “total chastity” means to them. The results are quite enlightening, so I’ll hand you over to them to tell you all about it!

Amy x

What Does “Total Chastity” Mean to You?

Running a male chastity[1] website gives us the opportunity to interact with a huge range of submissives, Dominants, and Mistresses. While we’re all here for similar reasons, each individual in the fetish community is different. Even our name, Total Chastity, invokes all kinds of ideas and fantasies for different people, so we thought it would be fun to ask the question:

“What does “total chastity” mean to you?”

Here are some of the responses we got.

[1] “Male chastity” is the term commonly used to refer to a person with a penis being locked up in a chastity cage. However, this is a bit of a misnomer as not everyone with a penis–or who enjoys this kink–is a man

“Total Chastity Means Being Locked 24/7”

Permanent chastity was one of the most common answers we got when we quizzed our customers. The idea of chastity totally taking over your life is a common one within the fetish, and many submissives aspire to reach this despite the difficulty for most people.

“Even when I was just getting started, being locked all the time was the goal. It’s harder than you think to pull off though. There’s always a day where you’re uncomfortable or don’t feel up to it. I’m still not there yet but I don’t feel like I’ll be doing “Total Chastity” until I am.”

While the idea of permanent chastity can be a tantalising carrot for many submissives, it’s not something you should dive straight into. We advise starting with small periods of time wearing the cage and increasing them gradually. Even if you need to take the cage off at night, but wear it throughout the day, you shouldn’t feel like a failure.

It’s also important to be aware of the safety implications of wearing a chastity cage long term. We like this piece by Dan Savage in which he consulted with a urologist on how to do chastity safely. 

“Total Chastity Means Having a Mistress”

While we always encourage those who want to practise male chastity alone to do so, for some it’s never enough. Despite the majority of the experience being completely possible as a solo submissive, many of the responses we got from our customers stated that they felt they wouldn’t be doing “Total Chastity” until they find themselves someone to hold the keys and to truly submit to.

“I did my time on my own, but it never really clicked until I found Mistress. You can try all the neat tricks you want like giving the key to a friend or burying it in the garden, but you can always just go get it back. Once you’ve found someone to take that dominant role over you it really changes everything. To me that’s the step that takes it from just chastity to “total chastity”.”

Even though this point of view was fairly common amongst the chastity enthusiasts we spoke to, we always encourage those with an interest in chastity to give it a try even without a partner. It can help you explore the fetish, figure out which parts you like and dislike, and go into a partnered relationship more prepared with an idea of what you want to get out of it. There are also more and more products coming out to help support solo submissives such as app locking cages, and online keyholding services, which can give you an idea of what it’ll be like having a real Mistress, Master, or Dominant.

“Total Chastity Means More Than a Cage”

Anyone can put on a chastity cage. Anyone can wear one for hours or even days. But does that make them a chastity submissive? For many of our customers, the bit that comes after putting on the cage is what really defines “total chastity”.

“When I first started, I think I mind- gamed myself a bit. For some reason I thought once I’d bought a chastity device and put it on that would be it. Really though, it was only the beginning. Once the initial excitement wore off, reality started to set in. For me the things you do while you’re wearing the cage are so much more important than just the act of locking up your junk. Only once you start to live your life as a submissive do you truly start to experience “total chastity”.”

A lot of stores are only really in it to sell you a cage. Once they’ve made the sale, you’re left to figure out the rest on your own. Luckily there are plenty of resources online to help, including forums where you can talk to others who’ve gone through exactly the same process when they started out.

At Total Chastity, we want to be part of this process. That’s why we regularly post an array of chastity themed content that can help you not just with choosing and buying a cage, but what to do after you’ve put it on.

“Total Chastity Means Total Submission”

A slightly more philosophical answer that we got from some of our customers was focused on the submissive component of the chastity process. These answers were massively varied, but followed the same general theme that there was a moment during the experience where it truly felt that they were powerless and “became a true submissive”. For these individuals, that “moment” is what it means to experience “total chastity”.

“There wasn’t one specific thing that I can think of. It was more like I’d crossed a bridge and there was no going back. I’d gone through the motions for months and yeah, it was fun and interesting. But one day it just clicked. She was in control. My cock was hers. Nothing I said or did would change that. That was my “total chastity” moment.”

It’s difficult to pin down a specific thing that would give you this “moment”. All we can really do if you’re looking for it is to keep exploring and trying different aspects of chastity, experimenting and exploring to figure out what works for you.

“Total Chastity Means Total Chastity”

Hearing these points of view from our customers was a fascinating experienced which reaffirmed our own beliefs. Total Chastity isn’t about one specific thing. It’s the whole experience that matters, and it is deeply personal.

That’s why we aim to focus on providing as much of that experience as possible. From quality cages to in depth advice. From chatting to submissives and Dominants on social media to trying out as many cages as we can. Total Chastity is our mission, and we aim to deliver it to all who want to experience it–whatever that means to you.

This guest post contains sponsored links.

[Guest Post] Am I Ready to Have Sex? Questions to Ask Yourself by Tina Evans

Published on by Amy

“Am I ready to have sex?” It’s a question many of us have probably asked ourselves at one time or another, whether we came to sexuality in our teens, 20s, 30s, or later in life. You might have also wondered if you’re ready to have sex in a particular way or with a particular person.

These are very personal questions, and no-one can answer them for you. We all know that virginity is a social construct, but having sex for the first time (or the 1000th!) can still be a big deal for many of us. I know it was for me! There are, though, questions you can ask yourself to help you figure out whether you’re ready or not. That’s what this guest post by Tina Evans is all about.

Tina offers tips for folks of any age, gender, or orientation who are considering having sex for the first time. I hope you find them useful!

Amy x

Am I Ready to Have Sex? Questions to Ask Yourself by Tina Evans

So you think you’re ready for sex?

It’s natural to feel a mix of excitement and nerves. Whether you’re 18, 35, 73 or any age in between, the basics of preparation for sex are pretty similar. It’s all about respect, understanding, and care for both you and your partner. What really matters is that you feel ready and confident in your decision, without any external pressure, and that everything is consensual and respectful.

Whether you decide to explore your sexuality early or wait until later, your choice is completely valid. It’s important to honor your feelings and move at your own pace. Embracing your own timeline can lead to more meaningful and fulfilling experiences that truly match your values and readiness.

In this post, we will consider some of the different aspects of readiness for sex and invite you to ask yourself some important questions.

Emotional Readiness

Understanding Your Motivations

Reflecting on your motivations is crucial. Are you seeking to express love, explore pleasure, or deepen a connection, or are you feeling pressured by peers, media, or your partner? It’s important to ensure that your desire for sex comes from a place of genuine interest and readiness rather than external influences.

Ask yourself:

  • Am I doing this because I genuinely want to?
  • Am I trying to meet someone else’s expectations?
  • Am I trying to fit in with friends or societal norms?

Comfort with Your Body

Being comfortable with your body means accepting and understanding your physical self. This includes being familiar with your own anatomy, knowing what feels good for you (which you can learn about through self-touch), and being able to communicate this to your partner. It’s also about body confidence—feeling good about how you look and embracing your body as it is.

Ask yourself:

  • Do I know what I like and dislike sexually?
  • Am I comfortable being naked in front of someone else?
  • Do I feel positive about my body and its sensations?

Emotional Stability

Sex can trigger a range of emotions, from joy and excitement to vulnerability and anxiety. It’s important to be in a stable emotional state where you can handle these emotions. Emotional stability also means being able to process and discuss any feelings that arise afterward, whether they are positive or negative.

Ask yourself:

  • Am I generally emotionally balanced and secure?
  • Can I handle potential emotional ups and downs?
  • Am I prepared to discuss my feelings openly with my partner?

Maturity to Handle Consequences

Sex has potential emotional, physical, and relational consequences. Being mature enough to understand and deal with these consequences is key to readiness. This includes being prepared for the responsibilities of contraception, the risk of STIs, and the emotional impact of sexual intimacy.

Ask yourself:

  • Do I understand the potential risks involved in sex?
  • Am I prepared to take responsibility for contraception and STI prevention?
  • Can I handle the possible emotional outcomes?

Open Communication

Being able to discuss your feelings, desires, and boundaries openly and honestly with your partner is essential. Honest communication ensures mutual understanding and respect, and it helps build a foundation of trust. This means having conversations about what you’re comfortable with, what you’re curious about, and what your boundaries are.

Ask yourself:

  • Can I talk openly with my partner about sex?
  • Do we have mutual respect and understanding?
  • Are we comfortable discussing our boundaries and desires?

Consent must be clear, informed, enthusiastic, and ongoing. Both you and your partner should freely agree to the sexual activity without any coercion or pressure. Consent is about mutual agreement and respect for each other’s boundaries and comfort levels.

Ask yourself:

  • Do I fully understand what consent means?
  • Am I able to give and receive enthusiastic consent?
  • Do I respect my partner’s right to withdraw consent at any time?

Physical Readiness

Safer Sex Practices

Understanding and practicing safer sex is essential to protect yourself and your partner from STIs and unintended pregnancies. This might involve using condoms, using other barriers such as dental dams and gloves, discussing contraception options, and getting tested for STIs. It’s important to have this knowledge and to be prepared to implement it.

Ask yourself:

  • Do I know how to safely use condoms and other forms of contraception?
  • Have I discussed STI testing with my partner?
  • Am I committed to practicing safer sex every time?

Comfort with the Setting

The environment where you have sex should feel safe and comfortable. This helps reduce anxiety and create a positive experience. It should be a private space where you feel secure and relaxed, free from interruptions and distractions.

Ask yourself:

  • Is the location private and comfortable?
  • Do I feel safe and relaxed in this setting?
  • Have I made sure there will be no interruptions?

Personal Considerations

No Pressure

Your decision to have sex should be entirely your own, without any external pressure from partners, friends, or societal expectations. It’s important to make this choice based on your own readiness and desire, not because you feel you should or need to.

Ask yourself:

  • Am I making this decision for myself?
  • Do I feel pressured by anyone to have sex?
  • Am I confident in my own desire to have sex?

Positive Feelings

You should feel positive and excited about the prospect of having sex, rather than anxious or uncertain. It’s normal to feel a bit nervous, but the overall feeling should be one of anticipation and readiness.

Ask yourself:

  • Am I more excited than nervous about having sex?
  • Do I have positive feelings about the potential experience?
  • Is my excitement outweighing any anxiety?

Support System

Having a support system of trusted friends, family, or mentors can provide valuable guidance and reassurance. They can offer a safe space to discuss your feelings and any questions you might have, and they can help you navigate this new experience with confidence.

Ask yourself:

  • Do I have people I can talk to about my feelings and questions?
  • Can I rely on my support system for guidance and reassurance?
  • Do I feel supported in my decisions?

Am I Ready to Have Sex? Further Self-Reflection Questions

Here are some expanded questions for self-reflection to help determine if you are ready:

Why do I want to have sex?

Ensure your motivations are based on your own desires and readiness, not external pressures.

Do I feel pressured in any way?

Reflect on whether you’re feeling any pressure from your partner, peers, or societal norms.

Do I feel emotionally ready and stable?

Assess your emotional state and readiness to manage the potential emotional impact of sex.

Am I comfortable discussing sex, desires, and boundaries with my partner?

Ensure you can have open, honest conversations about your boundaries, desires, and consent.

Make sure you have a clear understanding of consent and the practices of safe sex.

Am I prepared for the possible emotional and physical consequences of sex?

Be ready to handle the potential emotional and physical outcomes of sexual activity.

Ultimately, “am I ready to have sex?” is a question only you can answer. Deciding when you’re ready for your first sexual experience is a deeply personal choice that involves introspection and self-awareness. It’s essential to feel confident and secure in your decision, ensuring that it aligns with your genuine desires and readiness.

This journey is unique for everyone, and there’s no right or wrong timeline. Embrace your individuality, prioritise your comfort and well-being, and respect your own pace. When the time feels right for you, approach the experience with an open heart and mind, fostering a positive and meaningful connection with your partner.

The act of experiencing sex for the first time can be as big a deal as you want it to be. For me, it was something I chose to get over and done with. I didn’t think about if I was ready, I didn’t prepare myself. And while I wouldn’t go back and change any of my life experiences, I would have liked to be more prepared emotionally.

About Tina:

I’m a cynical yet hopelessly hopeful romantic. I fell in love with reading as a child who wrote poetry as an angst filled teenager. As an adult, I’ve immersed myself in all genres of romance fiction but I enjoy the occasional biography and psychological thriller too. I currently write contemporary romance with a feminist edge, featuring relatable characters and situations. When I’m not writing, I can be found spoiling my fur family, trying to bake the perfect loaf of bread, or ignoring all my adult problems by losing myself in a good book.

Header image for a guest post about being a submissive with ADHD by Redridingbrat

[Guest Post] Being a Submissive with ADHD by Redridingbrat

Published on by Amy1 Comment

While I don’t have an actual diagnosis of ADHD, I’ve long felt that it’s something I very likely have at least to some degree. Whenever I see any ADHD content, from medical information to memes, I find myself going “yep, it me”. So I wasn’t altogether surprised when I also found this piece from my friend Redridingbrat (she/her) deeply relatable.

I feel very strongly that kink is for all consenting adults who want to engage in it. Many of the images we see online and in the media are reductive, exclusionary, and harmful. That’s why it’s so important to me to represent a diversity of experiences on this blog. To that end, I’m thrilled to bring you this piece from RRB on ADHD and submission.

As always, you can help me to pay more lovely guest writers by chipping in via the tip jar.

Amy x

Being a Submissive with ADHD by Redridingbrat

What comes to mind when you think of the perfect submissive?

Perhaps it is someone who is entirely focused on their Dominant, able to follow the rules and pre-emptively do whatever their Dominant might desire.

How does this change when you have ADHD?

ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is a medical condition that affects the way a person thinks and acts. This often presents as someone being inattentive, hyperactive, and impulsive – three things that can often clash with the pop culture view of submission. As a submissive with ADHD, I have had to work with my Dominant to make sure that my submission isn’t adversely affected by my ADHD.

One of the ways inattention in ADHD can affect a D/s dynamic is forgetfulness. Forgetting rules, forgetting tasks, forgetting where things have been placed… not something that is in the picture-perfect view of a “sub”! Thankfully, this is something this can be easily accommodated. Having the rules written up and displayed somewhere is a straightforward way of not relying on the memory. Having things placed in see through or open containers lets you quickly see where they are. A long-term solution is to have your Dominant help you create habits, so you do not need to remember a thing.

Another annoying symptom of ADHD is being prone to distraction. Sitting in a corner with no stimulation is my personal idea of hell. It isn’t just me who can suffer as a result of this, though; losing interest in an activity halfway through a scene can very quickly make a Dominant feel like they failed at a scene, and make the submissive then feel guilty for not being able to concentrate. This does not have an easy fix but there are things that help. Doing shorter activities can do wonders, as this gives less chances for the brain to wander off. Sensory deprivation can also help as it can force the submissive to focus on their other senses. The biggest things that can help are open communication and being self-aware. By letting your Dominant know when you are having a bad day focusing, you can reassure each other that neither is at fault when focus issues arise.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, another symptom of ADHD is hyperfocus; getting so consumed by a task that everything else is ignored. When a task is interrupted by something else, it can be extremely hard to bring yourself out of the task and into the new thing, regardless of how urgent it may be. In extreme cases, this can lead to ignoring the need to drink or use the toilet for hours on end. One thing my Dominant has found to help with this is simply asking “when will this be done?”, helping me to verbalise what done looks like as well as giving me a subconscious queue to start bringing myself out of the task. Having a set routine and structure also helps with this as it ensures that my body becomes accustomed to performing certain activities at certain time, with an external check (my Dominant) making sure it is adhered to.

Another symptom of ADHD that is often overlooked is internal motivation. I can often sit in “standby mode”, endlessly scrolling social media whilst given tasks go unfulfilled. Part of this is that a larger task can be overwhelming if not broken down into smaller steps, making it physically uncomfortable to get started. Something that can really help prevent situations like this is breaking a large task down into multiple smaller parts, while also being clear about what signifies completion of each part. For example, “make yourself presentable for me” can be broken down into: “Go shower, style your hair into a high ponytail, put on a full face of makeup with red lipstick, and wear the red underwear. I want these tasks to be complete by 5pm”. Rewards-based dynamics are also excellent for those who require the internal motivation to be turned external. Extra orgasms for doing a large task? Yes please!

Whilst I have spoken at length about the challenges of having ADHD, it does come with a number of positives too. Those of us with ADHD often excel when in “crisis mode”, meaning we can be very good if something goes wrong in a scene. ADHD folks are also creative in our problem solving, making us the perfect people to do puzzle-based tasks or mend broken toys. And ADHD people can also be more adventurous, making us the perfect partner for trying new activities in the bedroom.

ADHD can make submission hard. It breaks many of the pre-conceived notions of what a “good submissive” looks like. Someone who is forgetful, distractable, and hard to self-motivate is not the “ideal” that is written about in popular literature. However, there are things that can help overcome the barriers that may come up in a D/s dynamic. The main thing to remember is that D/s is not one size fits all. You can customise and change how your relationship looks. You are not a failure if it does not look like the glamorised novels. Anyone can be a submissive. All you need to do is identify as one and find someone who adores you and your style.

Redridingbrat is a switchy brat who loves nothing more than to engage her submissive side. Her main experiences involve rope, D/s and discussions surrounding disability within the kink community.

Header image for post on CBD lube by Hattie Gladwell

[Guest Post] How CBD Lube Changed My Sex Life When My Body Forgot How to Orgasm by Hattie Gladwell

Published on by Amy

Today’s guest post comes from Hattie Gladwell (she/her,) a freelance journalist whose work I have been reading and enjoying for a while. This is her first piece for C&K.

I loved this story because struggles with orgasm are so, so common, especially for cis women and other people with vulvas. The limited cultural narratives around sex can make us feel that we should all be having the most amazing sex, all the time and without ever talking about it.

Those same narratives push the idea that if we’re with the right partner, sex and orgasm will be easy and effortless, and that any use of additional tools (such as toys or lube) indicate failure. But as we can see from Hattie’s story, those things can be game changers in the best possible way.

Enjoy!

Amy x

How CBD Lube Changed My Sex Life When My Body Forgot How to Orgasm

I was in a sexless relationship for almost six years. It was difficult not just physically, but mentally, too. I wanted an intimate relationship, but sadly he wasn’t interested. Of course, I thought it was me. That something was wrong with me. I changed how I looked constantly to see if maybe he’d start loving me again, but the relationship had been dead for years. 

When we first got together, I was able to orgasm easily and quickly. Multiple times. Having an orgasm had never been a concern to me. I’d always had a good sex life before the relationship, and during the first year. But everything changed, and I don’t know why. 

When we finally broke up and I walked away from the stale relationship, I met somebody new quickly. My family and friends warned me that it was too early, that I needed to heal. But I had already done my healing over the last six months of the relationship—because I knew it was coming to an end. 

It was incredible to have sex with someone new. I mean, it was incredible just to have sex again. But, I couldn’t orgasm. It made me feel bad because I didn’t want my new partner to think it was him. My body just forgot what an orgasm felt like, and I couldn’t do it anymore. 

When I tried to get there, it was even more impossible, because I was putting myself under too much pressure. It wasn’t until I decided to “re-discover myself” alone, learning what I liked and didn’t like, and what made me tick, that finally, I came to climax again. 

I decided to show my partner what I liked, and it worked—but it still took me up to an hour to get there, and sometimes I couldn’t at all. It was frustrating and I felt resentment towards my ex because I felt like I had no control over my body.

I could only come during mutual masturbation. Never during sex. Which is annoying, because I want to reach orgasm when my partner does. It feels more intimate. It makes me feel closer. 

That’s where the CBD lube comes in. 

There are lots of CBD lubes out there, even though not that many people know about them. Of course, most people have heard about CBD and the common belief that it helps with chronic pain. But it can also help with sensitivity of the vulva, as it is absorbed through the tissues.

I was sceptical, but decided to try Dani Pepper’s “O” orgasm enhancer.

It comes in a bottle that looks just like regular, non-CBD lube, and is transparent. It’s made using organic and natural ingredients, and is water-based, meaning it’s okay to use with latex. 

I sat down with my partner and talked about using the lube, and he agreed. He was just as adamant about getting my orgasms back on track as I was. 

That night, we had sex. But before we did, we did what we usually do, and he tried to get me off. I decided to do it during mutual masturbation because I wanted my body to get used to the CBD lube in a way that I knew might just make me come. 

He put the lube on me, and within 15 minutes I started to feel more relaxed. I wasn’t worried about climaxing. I decided that it didn’t matter if I didn’t orgasm this time—I could always try again. 

But I did come. Quickly. Intensely. The most extraordinary orgasm I have ever had. 

It lasted for at least 10 seconds, and afterwards, my legs were shaking and I couldn’t speak through breathlessness. 

What I also loved is how calm I felt afterwards. I continued to feel this really relaxing sensation. Sex afterwards was amazing because, even though I can’t come through penetration still, it made us both feel accomplished. Knowing I’d “got there” meant there were no frustrated vibes after having sex—or masturbating for an hour. 

I always use the lube now; every time we have sex. It’s my go-to, and I of course have more than one bottle at a time so that I can keep myself stocked up. 

CBD lube has been a game-changer for me. Not just because of the incredibly intense orgasms, but because it has brought me closer to my partner sexually. I feel like our sex life is way more intimate now, and I never feel like I’m missing out. And I won’t ever again.

About the Author

Hattie Gladwell is a journalist and editor from Sussex. She is passionate about raising awareness of mental health issues, and mainly writes about sex, relationships, parenting and mental illness.

Product recommendation is the writer’s own and is not an affiliate link.