Tag: long distance relationship

A woman holding two rabbit vibrators, one pink and one blue. Caption reads: Travel friendly sex toys. Header image for a post about how to bring adult toys on a plane and other travel hacks.

Travel Friendly Sex Toys: Saving Space, Taking Your Toys Through Airport Security, and More

Published on by Amy

As the holidays approach, so does a season of travel for many of us. Whether you’re travelling solo or with your partner or partners, you might want to take some of your sex toys or kink gear along. From wondering whether you can bring adult toys on a plane to dealing with space constrictions, travelling with sex toys takes a little knowledge and planning. Here’s how to do it.

Can You Bring Adult Toys on a Plane?

Yep!

Well, yes with some simple caveats. As a general rule, though, bringing adult toys on a plane is safe, legal, and straightforward.

Additional bag screening at security is many people’s idea of a personal hell if they travel with sex toys. If you’re not prepared to take this risk, you’ll need to keep your toys in your checked bag. However, I’ve had this happen many times at this point (long-distance relationship life amirite?) and the worst that ever happens is that it makes me blush. I’ve never had a security person make a comment on my toys or take them out in view of other passengers.

Airport personnel don’t care what you’re planning to get up to at your destination as long as you’re not a safety or security risk. They’re professionals just trying to do their job, and they’ve seen it all before. Yours probably isn’t even the first vibrator they’ve seen today. I cannot stress this enough: they don’t care.

What you don’t want to do is try to take anything on the plane that could be perceived as a weapon. That hunk of stainless steel the size of your forearm? Leave it at home. You know it’s a dildo, they know it’s a dildo, but they’re probably still not letting it on the plane. As a general precaution, I’d skip metal and glass toys for air travel and stick to plastic or silicone.

Remember that, infuriatingly, some countries and jurisdictions have strict laws against even possessing sex toys. If you have to travel to one of those regions, leave your toys at home. The consequences could be far worse than just losing your favourite vibrator.

Remember that, if your toys have batteries, they must go in your carry-on as batteries are prohibited in the luggage hold.

What About BDSM Gear?

This gets a little trickier.

Some BDSM gear will probably be fine in your hand luggage. Leather cuffs, blindfolds, collars, solid wax candles and so on are unlikely to cause a problem. Some pervertables, such as clothes pegs and wooden spoons, also look completely innocent, so they shouldn’t cause any problems.

As with sex toys, anything that could be perceived as a weapon cannot travel in hand luggage. Paddles, floggers, whips and so on should all be checked. Rope might get past security and it might not. According to forums for climbers (the other people, apart from kinksters, who tend to travel with ropes), some said their ropes got taken away while others were allowed to keep their items.

Anything you wouldn’t want to lose, put it in your checked bag. If you’re taking anything sharp, like needles, be very cautious. Always check local laws and airline rules before travelling with them, even in your checked bag.

And, again, understand the laws and customs of where you’re travelling to and from. You don’t want to run afoul of a law prohibiting the possession of certain items.

How Can I Make Sure My Sex Toys Won’t Turn On While Traveling?

Many sex toys have a travel lock. This allows you to “lock” the motor, preventing it from turning on accidentally. Check the instruction manual or manufacturer’s product page of your favourite toy to find out whether it has one.

Another great option is to choose toys that come in a case. This dramatically reduces the chances of them getting switched on accidentally in transit, especially if you opt for a toy with a hard case like the Woo More Play I Cum First clitoral vibrator and travel case.

Space-Saving Travel Hacks for Sex Toys and BDSM Gear

Space tends to be at a premium when travelling. Here are a few ways you can maximize space and still take your favourite items along.

  • Prioritise small and compact toys. Bullet vibrators, pebble vibrators, and finger vibrators are an ideal choice here.
  • Take multi-purpose toys. A vibrating dildo that can double as a clitoral vibrator, a vaginal toy that’s also anal-safe, or a toy you and your partner both enjoy using? All great space-efficient travel sex toys.
  • Repurpose travel essentials for kinky purposes. That sleep mask could easily double as a blindfold.
  • Think very carefully about what you want to take, and prioritize accordingly. Consider what’s non-negotiable vs. what’s a nice-to-have if you have the space.
  • A bonus tip for those who travel a lot for long-distance relationships: consider getting duplicates of your favourite toys and keeping one set in each place. Trust me, it’s worth the investment.

Don’t Forget About Lube

Wait, can I bring lube on a plane? Yes you can!

Lube is a non-negotiable for me when it comes to safer and more pleasurable sex. However, remember that lube is a liquid according to air travel regulations. This means you’ll likely be subject to strict limits on how much you can take. Some airports limit passengers to 100ml liquid maximum per container, while others allow amounts as high as two litres. Check before you fly. If in doubt, stick to lube containers under 100ml.

Large bottles of lube can be heavy. I recommend either individual sachets or small bottles of lube. I always put mine in a little plastic bag to protect my clothes and other items in case of a lube leakage. Choose lube that’s compatible with your sex toys; if in doubt, water-based lube is a versatile option for travel.

Thanks to Woo More Play for sponsoring this post! All writing and views, as always, are mine.

Two outlines of houses on a pink background with a heart between them, for a post on long distance polyamory and nurturing my relationship with my long distance girlfriend

Long Distance Polyamory: 5 Ways I Nurture My Long Distance Relationship [Polyamory Conversation Cards #21]

Published on by Amy

Long distance relationships can be hard, and that reality is no different in long distance polyamory. My girlfriend Em lives far enough away that we have to get on a plane to see each other (though close enough that we’re able to do so about once a month, and thankfully on a route with relatively cheap airfare, which is a huge blessing!)

As a result, we’ve had to get really good at growing, nurturing, and maintaining a long distance relationship. Though it’s probably more accurate to say I have had to get really good at these things – she already had these skills in spades due to also being in long-distance connections with her other partners.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How much and in what way would you ideally communicate with your partner(s) when you’re not physically together?”

I have no actual statistics to back this up, but my impression is that long distance relationships are more common in polyamory than monogamy. This is probably at least partly due to the fluidity polyamory affords, and the ability to enjoy each connection for what it is without needing it to fulfill all our needs.

In particular, long distance polyamory is unique in that many people in our community maintain long distance relationships for years or decades with no intention of ever living in the same place. Many of these relationships are happy, loving, committed, and serious.

5 Ways I Nurture My Long Distance Relationship

Before I met Em I thought it would be very difficult, if not impossible, for me to be happy in a long-term long distance relationship. But, like so many others, she’s blown that assumption completely out of the water in the best possible way.

Turns out that, with mutual attentiveness, high levels of emotional intelligence, and great communication skills, it’s possible to feel fulfilled – emotionally, romantically, sexually, relationally – in a relationship with someone who lives on a different landmass.

So what does that actually look like? Here are five of the ways we do it and some tips on how you might want to approach nurturing your long distance relationship (whether it’s polyamorous or monogamous.)

Setting Aside Focused Quality Time

We were laughing the other day about the fact that we schedule regular video call dates, but in reality we end up spending a minimum of an hour a day on the phone together most days anyway. This kind of quality time, whether it happens spontaneously or is planned, allows us to take some time to focus on each other and nurturing our relationship.

There are numerous ways you can do this. You might do a remote activity together, like watching a film or playing an online game, have phone sex (more on that in a minute), or just spend the time catching up and chatting. What matters is to figure out what works for you and your partner.

Including Each Other in Our Day to Day Lives

I love sending Em “outfit of the day” selfies (#femme4femme life amirite?) and I love when we send each other pictures and updates on whatever we happen to be doing, whether it’s working or cooking or travelling or spending time with friends.

One of the hardest things about long distance can be feeling separate and apart from each other’s everyday world. Taking the time to intentionally include each other makes our relationship feel more like a part of our daily lives and less like a part-time connection or a “holiday” from real life.

Intentional time, of the kind I talked about in the section above, is vital in a long distance relationship. But it’s just as important to have these smaller touch-points throughout the day.

Always Having the Next Visit Planned

Saying goodbye at the end of a visit is hard, but it would be infinitely harder if I didn’t know when I was going to see her again. We’re both planners, so always having the next visit in the diary is a breeze (and right now, writing this in early March, we have plans through August.) As someone who likes certainty in my relationships as far as possible, it helps enormously with feeling secure.

It also helps that we both take proactive roles in suggesting things to do and making plans, ensuring that the burden doesn’t disproportionately fall on either of us. Relationship logistics are a group project, y’all.

This might not be possible in every long distance relationship, of course. But if it’s feasible for you, I highly recommend it. I can’t overstate the difference it makes, turning parting from a moment of sadness to a bittersweet “I’ll miss you but we already have something else wonderful to look forward to.”

Getting Really Good at Phone Sex

I’ve long believed that phone sex, cyber sex, and sexting are all a form of real sexual relationship. And in a long distance dynamic, they can be an absolute godsend. Of course, it’s not quite the same as being in the same room as my love, being able to touch her and kiss her. But a hot encounter on the phone is an amazing way to keep a sexual connection alive across the miles. It’s also a form of weeks-long foreplay, ensuring we can’t wait to jump on each other when we’re together in person.

If you’re kinky, you can keep a D/s dynamic alive in a long distance relationship with remote play sessions, instructions, tasks, or pictures/videos. And if they’re your thing, phone sex with your long distance partner is the kind of situation that app-controlled vibrators are perfect for!

When I started dating Em and it became apparent that phone sex was going to be a part of our relationship, I delved back into Kate Sloan’s archives on this topic over on her blog, Girly Juice. Kate is one of the sex nerds and writers I admire immensely. Her phone sex content is a treasure-trove of tips and ideas, and I highly recommend it.

Building a Shared Relationship Language

Each relationship – whether local or long distance, monogamous or polyamorous – has its own language built from shared experiences, in-jokes, adventures had and challenges overcome. We build these languages word by word, sentence by sentence, and they start to come together to form the identity of a relationship.

In long distance relationship, I’ve found this shared language and shared identity of “us” to be even more crucial. Whether we’re giggling over something goofy that would lose all meaning if we tried to translate it for someone else, ranting about our shared political beliefs, or getting teary eyed together over a song that feels like it was written for us, all of these little pieces are something to hang onto on the days when the miles just seem too big and the weeks seem too long.

If you enjoy my work, please follow me on Bluesky or buy me a coffee!

Header for post about the best vibrators for long-distance couples

What are the Best Vibrators for Long Distance Play?

Published on by Amy

I’m not in a serious long distance relationship at the moment (though I do have a lovely long distance play partner). But until a few months ago, I had a partner who lived in a different city. We saw each other about once a month, and kept in touch using various methods in between. We texted, sexted, had virtual dates, and – yes – occasionally played with remote vibrators.

Sales of high-tech, remote-capable sex toys boomed in the first months of the Covid-19 pandemic. Whether you’re temporarily separated by travel restrictions, one of you is travelling for work, or you currently (or permanently) live apart, you can enjoy sex from anywhere in the world with the right remote sex toy.

This is just one of the use-cases for the large, and growing, market for sex toys that can be controlled over long distances. If you enjoy the thrill of wearing a sex toy out and about and handing control to your partner, a long-distance vibrator can also be a good investment. They tend to be much more reliable than the ones with short-range handheld remotes.

Remote sex toys are now available in just about every iteration you can think of, from the common wearable toys to strokers, rabbits, clitoral suction toys, and more. There are even app-controlled chastity devices, believe it or not!

Another popular use-case for long-distance vibrators is for those who do online camming. Say you’ve set up your custom Chaturbate profile and built a loyal following, what’s next? Many performers find that using a remote vibe, and allowing fans to take control of it in exchange for tips, is a fun way to boost their earnings. Lovense toys are specifically designed with this functionality in mind.

But what are the best vibrators for long distance couples, cam models, and anyone else who needs a toy with remote control capability? Turns out that’s not a simple question to answer. Here are a few things you might want to consider to help you choose the best long-distance sex toy for YOU.

What’s Your Budget?

App-controlled and long distance sex toys are becoming more accessible, price-wise, as more and more companies are making them. You might say that sex tech has gone mainstream! Even so, there are products available at a wide range of price points. Lower priced products in this category tend to start at around the $80 mark, but you can easily spend hundreds of dollars for high-end products from some brands.

Before you start shopping, decide on your budget. You might need to compromise on some features, depending on how much you want to spend. Which brings us to…

Which Features Matter Most to You?

You should also consider which features you want your toys to have and what matters the most to you. For some people, the most important feature will be the toy’s level of power. Though there are exceptions, many people who use sex toys tend to prefer strong, rumbly vibrations over weaker, buzzier ones.

App reliability is another big factor to consider. You don’t want the connection to keep dropping in the middle of your hot virtual sex date! And if you’re into the idea of semi-public play (or live with family/roommates), the volume of the toy might also be important to you.

When it comes to power, volume, and app connectivity, the best thing you can do is read honest reviews like the ones you’ll find here and on other sex blogs. Good sex toy bloggers test things robustly and call it as we see it when we give our verdict on a product.

Some app-controlled sex toys are more feature-rich than others. At the most basic level, app control will allow your partner to switch the toy on and off and scroll through a pre-set range of speeds and patterns. More advanced products have all kinds of fancy bonus features. For example, some toys allow you to draw your own vibration patterns, sync the vibrations to music, or even use your wearable toy as an alarm.

The Lovense Connect app
App: Lovense Connect

If you’re non-monogamous or do (for example) camming or phone sex, the option to give control to different people at the touch of a button might be important to you. Some toys only let you add one partner to their apps at a time. This means that you have to delete and re-add every time you’re playing with a different person.

The Most Powerful App-Controlled Toys

Two of the biggest players in app-controlled sex toys right now are Lovense and We-Vibe. These products are popular for a reason – they are, in the main, high quality, reliable, and powerful vibes. But they are far from the only options on the market. Other options include Lovehoney’s Desire range as well as products from brands like Kiiroo, Svakom, and Lelo. I strongly suspect that over the next few years, most of the major sex toy brands will start bringing out app-controlled toys, if they haven’t already.

From a personal perspective, I have found We-Vibe’s products to be the most consistently powerful app-controlled toys I’ve tried. Lovense products are also generally pretty powerful. Interestingly, however, I found their most iconic and popular product (the Lush) rather lacklustre in the power department.

Consider Privacy

I am far from a digital privacy expert. I do know that some people with far more knowledge than me have expressed legitimate concerns over the privacy aspect of app-connected sex toys. Ultimately, you must do your own research and decide your level of acceptable risk. If you’re concerned, read the privacy policy of the company you’re considering buying from. You can also check out reviews from sex tech experts to see what they have to say about the privacy aspect.

A Few Specific Recommendations

As you can see, it’s not easy to give a blanket answer to the question “what are the best vibrators for long-distance sex?” Ultimately, what’s best for you will depend on your personal preferences and the various factors I’ve discussed in this piece.

But from a personal perspective, here are a few of the app-controlled sex toys that I like the most:

  • Lovense Ferri, a fabulously powerful-yet-discreet knicker vibe.
  • Lovense Domi, a genuinely brilliant wand. You don’t see app-controlled wand vibrators very often, which makes this one even more appealing.
  • We-Vibe Nova 2, an app-controlled rabbit vibe with a fantastic clit-friendly design.
  • We-Vibe Chorus, designed for clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex but also ideal for hands-free long-distance play.

This post was sponsored by Designurbate, a tool that allows you to customize your Chaturbate profile and stand out from the crowd. All writing and views are, as always, my own.

Header image for a post on the best virtual date ideas

Five of the Best Virtual Date Ideas

Published on by Amy

I resisted writing this post for some time, because it felt too close to the whole “moving our entire lives online during COVID” theme I was trying to avoid. However, there are many reasons beyond lockdown restrictions and public health fears why people might need – or even want – to go on digital dates. Long-distance relationships, limited funds, and illness are just a few of the ones I can think of.

So I wanted to share five of my best virtual date ideas with you guys today. I hope you find something here to inspire you. And, of course, you’re always welcome to share your own in the comments.

Movie night

You can use an app like Watch Party to share a virtual movie night, but it’s just as easy to sync up and hit “play” on your Netflix or DVD player at the same time… or even both watch the same movie as it’s being shown on TV.

You can video, voice or text-chat while you watch, if you wish, or just call each other afterwards and talk about the movie.

Get some popcorn and dim the lights for the full cinematic experience!

Looking for movie recs? Check out my friend Livvy’s blog, Sex Love and Videotape, for some inspiration!

Virtual museum tour

Did you know that museums all over the world have virtual tours of their galleries and exhibitions available online? Meet online to explore a virtual museum and video or voice-chat while you wander around.

The Albertina in Vienna, the Art Institute of Chicago, and the London’s Natural History Museum are just some of the world-renowned museums offering online tours right now.

Night at the theatre

Prior to the last few months, many of us could only access live theatre if we could get to a major city and afford the exhorbitant ticket prices (or get to one of the handful of cinemas that showed live-streamed versions.) Since March, however, tonnes of productions have gone online.

Pick a show, sync up, and hit play. Bonuses of the virtual theatre: you can wear your pyjamas if you want to, your bed is probably comfier than an actual theatre seat, and the drinks are cheaper!

Timeout‘s theatre sections have listings that refresh every couple of days!

Cheese and wine party

If you’re feeling fancy, why not share an online cheese and wine tasting? Get some interesting cheeses on your next trip to the supermarket (or order them online.) Pick up a bottle of wine (or two.) Enjoy them and compare notes on your favourites while you video-chat.

To take it up a notch, dress in your most over-the-top fabulous outfits.

Hot virtual sex date

Of course I wouldn’t be me without saying that some hot online sex is one of the best virtual date ideas of all!

Set aside the time to completely focus on each other, and get lost in some deliciously hot phone sex, sexting, or cyber-sex. An app-controlled sex toy can put your pleasure in your partner’s hands, no matter where in the world they are.

This post contains affiliate links. All views, as always, are my own.

Young woman wearing a pink BDSM collar and pink leather handcuffs

11 Things a Collar Can Mean (But Doesn’t Have To)

Published on by Amy

What is the meaning of a collar in BDSM? Ask ten BDSM enthusiasts what collaring means to them and you’ll get 20 different answers. Not all kinksters use collars in their play or D/s relationships. Amongst those who do, they can have vastly different meanings depending on context and the people involved.

A simple band around the neck can take on many different significances and be worn in many different ways. As with anything in BDSM, Here are some I thought of, though I am sure there are many more.

A Lifetime Commitment: Collaring as a BDSM Marriage

Some kinksters view their collar as akin to a wedding ring. They may or may not also be legally married to their partner, and they may or may not also wear a traditional wedding ring, but they view their collar as the outward symbol of their lifetime commitment to a BDSM relationship.

Some couples choose to formalise their collaring with a ceremony. This can be performed privately or in front of friends and loved ones.

BDSM Collar Meaning: Permanent Ownership

Some people use “owner/property” dynamics as part of their kinky relationships. In these contexts, the submissive may wear a collar as a symbol that they are the property of their partner. Some couples choose a permanent collar that cannot be removed without a key. If you go down this route, always make sure the wearer has a spare in case of an emergency.

BDSM Collar Meaning: Temporary Ownership

Not all kinksters want to be in a 24/7 or lifetime BDSM relationship, but still want to go deeply into a Dominant or submissive headspace. For these people, a collar can serve as a sign of temporary ownership, whether for the length of a scene, a day, a weekend, or longer. However, when the collar comes off or the context changes, the ownership dynamic also ends or transitions back into an equal partnership.

Self-Collaring: A BDSM Collar Meaning “I Belong to Me”

I have a collar I bought for myself. When I wear it, it’s a reminder that I am owned by no-one but myself. My body, my choices, and my heart are mine. I might choose to give them away to trusted people for short amounts of time, but they always come back to me at the end. Self-collaring can be a reminder to be true to yourself, a way to access your submissive identity when you don’t have a dominant, a reminder to take care of yourself, and so much more.

Keeping a Connection and Closeness Alive with a Collar

Perhaps you’re in a long-distance or non-nesting relationship. Maybe you just want to feel close to your partner and keep your D/s dynamic alive when you’re not physically together. Regardless of your circumstances, wearing a collar can be a great way to do this. Many couples choose a day collar for this purpose, which can symbolise your relationship without raising any eyebrows in public.

Collars of Consideration or Training

Some people who practice formal BDSM relationships follow a series of steps leading up to permanent collaring. During this process, the submissive may wear a “training collar” or “collar of consideration” for a period of time before receiving their permanent collar. As with anything in a BDSM dynamic, negotiate the meaning of each collar clearly with your partner at every step of the process.

Collars as a Way of Getting Into a Headspace

Whatever your kinky headspace looks like, putting a collar on your submissive partner or having one put on you can be a “shortcut” to accessing that headspace. For people who play at events or parties, putting on the collar at the start of the night is often part of the getting-ready ritual.

Collars Signalling “Leave Me Alone, I’m Taken”

This isn’t foolproof, but I’ve found that if I’m attending a kink event unpartnered and I don’t want to be hit on, wearing a collar will significantly cut down on the unwanted attention I receive.

Because BDSM collars can have so many different meanings and not everyone is monogamous, people won’t necessarily assume that your collar means you’re unavailable. But at least some likely will. Think of it as the kinky equivalent of flashing a wedding ring when the creepy guy at the bar isn’t getting the hint.

No Deep Meaning: A Collar as a BDSM Tool

For some people, a collar is part of a scene that’s there for what it can do rather than what it means. This might mean attaching a leash to lead your submissive around a party, cuffing their hands to their collar to immobilise them, or using it to tug them in for a kiss.

Collars as Decorations or Fashion Accessories

Collars look pretty and can add a kinky twist to an outfit quickly and easily. I have one I love that was sent to me for review. It has no meaning attached to it and isn’t connected to any particular relationship. I wear it because I like how it looks.

Flagging Kinky in Public

The idea of flagging originates from the “hanky code”, which was pioneered by gay and bisexual men in the 1970s. Coloured handkerchiefs placed in certain positions are used to indicate interest in various sexual roles and practices. Flagging has come to refer more broadly to using outward symbols to subtly indicate your proclivities to other interested parties.

There are many spaces where, though they’re not kink-specific events, a lot of the participants will likely be kinky. Think adults’ LGBTQ+ community events, goth clubs, geek and sci-fi events, Renaissance Fairs, and so on. In these spaces, the meaning of a BDSM collar can be “hey, we have this thing in common!”. You might even make some new friends.

The Taboo Brighton Logo

This post was sponsored by Taboo Brighton. Taboo launched in 2003 and has established itself as a genre-defining Brighton retail experience. The store was awarded “Best Sex Shop in the UK” at the Erotic Trade Awards. It was also once described in The Guardian as the “Dolce and Gabbana of Sex Shops”. All views and writing are mine.

A metal male chastity device for a penis on a black background

5 Great Reasons to Try Chastity Play

Published on by Amy

The chastity fetish is incredibly common. Broadly speaking, chastity is a form of kink play that involves abstaining from orgasm, and sometimes from any form of sexual contact, for a period of time. Some people do chastity play as part of a kinky or D/s relationship. Others engage in online play such as frequenting chastity fetish forums, having cyber-sex, or watching chastity porn. Some hire sex workers to be their keyholders. It’s also possible to do chastity play solo.

Playing with this kink might or might not include the use of a physical chastity device such as a cock cage or chastity belt. Some people play with it just for a few minutes or hours, while others do long-term and extreme chastity. The only right way to engage with chastity fetish is the way that is risk-aware and feels right for you.

So why do people like chastity? Here are five great reasons to give it a go if you’re curious.

Chastity Can Enhance Feelings of Submission or Dominance

Giving someone control over your sexual release is, in some ways, the ultimate surrender. Whether you’re handing over the keys to your chastity device to a partner or simply pledging not to touch yourself until given permission, needing someone’s permission to experience pleasure and orgasm will likely enhance how submissive you feel towards that person.

For many Dominants, having control over someone’s sexual pleasure is a tremendous power rush. Many Dominants enjoy hearing a submissive beg for release, only to deny it.

You Might Experience a Stronger Orgasm

Many chastity fetish enthusiasts say that, after a period of denial, the eventual orgasm is much stronger and more satisfying.

Think of it as a bit like taking that first bite of your favourite meal when you’re starving. Wanting and looking forward to something makes it so much better than you finally get it.

Chastity Play Keeps Your D/s Dynamic Front-of-Mind

We all have busy lives and most of us can’t live our kinky fantasy dream life 24/7. For many chastity fetish participants, it’s a great way to keep their dynamic centred in their life even when they’re doing other things.

Imagine going about your day and feeling your chastity device under your clothes, or even just remembering you’re not allowed to touch yourself no matter how horny you get. This can help you stay connected to your Dominant and your kinky self even when you’re not actively playing.

Chastity Fetish is a Great Activity for Long-Distance Relationships

For long distance BDSM couples, chastity play is one of the easier kinks to do from a distance. For example, some couples implement the rule that the submissive is always in chastity when not with the Dominant. Others like to play teasing, denial, and edging games online or on the phone while apart.

Pleasure Can Act as a Motivator: Better Living Through Your Chastity Fetish

Are you a Dominant trying to train your submissive and instill desirable behaviours or break problematic ones? Chastity can be a great motivator. Perhaps your submissive only gets to touch themselves if they drank their eight glasses of water today. Maybe you’ll only let them orgasm after they’ve got all their writing done. Or perhaps they get an extra day in the belt for every day they forget to eat breakfast.

Of course, solo kinksters can also play use chastity in this way, though you’ll need to be a little more disciplined if you’re enforcing the rules on yourself. I’m a big proponent of using kink as a tool for self-improvement, and release-as-reward is one fun way to play with this.

This post contains affiliate links.

Close up on a train track with a train in the background. Text reads: Long-distance BDSM

Long-Distance BDSM: 5 Ways to Keep Your Dynamic Alive When You’re Apart

Published on by Amy

Long-distance relationships can be challenging in all sorts of ways, from the emotional strain of missing each other to the expense and time involved in visits. Long distance BDSM adds another layer to this, and many kinky couples (whether their dynamic is 24/7 or not) find it hard to maintain their dynamic across the miles. If you’re trying to stay connected with your long distance sub or Dom and keep your dynamic alive, these tips might help you.

Long-Distance BDSM Tips for All Kinky Dynamics

I have some experience of long-distance relationships, including long-distance polyamory and long-distance BDSM, and so do many of my friends and loved ones. That means I’ve learned a few things about how to keep a kink dynamic alive and thriving no matter where you both are in the world.

Here are five things you might want to try. As always, take the ones that work for you and leave the ones that don’t.

Sext Each Other

Sexting is brilliant if, like me, you’re a wordy person. I love the anticipation when the other person is typing. I love tapping out my fantasies, planting ideas and imagery into my lover’s mind with my words. If you’re in a long-distance BDSM relationship, it’s easy to add a D/s element to your sexting. The Dominant partner can give the submissive partner instructions, or you can share fantasies of a scene you might like to do when you’re next together… or memories of one you already did.

There’s a kind of delicious collaboration that comes with building a scene or sexy story together in this way. Another advantage of sexting is that you can read the messages back at a later date if you want to.

Check out my tips for better sexting if you want to get better at fucking your partner with your words.

Have Phone Sex

Phone sex (or video call sex) is a bit like sexting, only more immediate and more visceral. You can hear your partner’s tone, hear their voice catch when you say something that really gets them, hear them gasp or moan as they touch themselves.

Long distance vibrators and other remote control toys can be a great addition to virtual or phone sex.

Instructions and Accountability for a Long Distance Sub

If your D/s relationship incorporates instruction or tasks outside of designated scene space, providing these from a distance can help to keep the submissive accountable and the long-distance BDSM dynamic strong.

This can take virtually any form you like. Instructions can be sexy (“send me a picture of your panties next time you go to the bathroom”), self-care based (“I want you to drink a pint of water before noon”), or anything else you can think of that fits your desires and context.

Plann and Negotiate Future Scenes

One nice thing about long-distance BDSM is that you have to be super intentional with your playtime. This means making plans, negotiating scenes, and talking about desires, limits, boundaries, and possibilities upfront. But BDSM negotiation isn’t just a necessity; it can also be a part of your dynamic in itself.

You know how, when you start planning a trip or vacation, you get those lovely feelings of excitement and anticipation about all the fun you’re going to have? It’s exactly the same when you start planning a kink scene you might play out in the future.

Not sure where to start? A Yes/No/Maybe list is a great way to get some ideas and find out more about where your kinks overlap.

Keep a Physical Reminder of Your Dynamic When You’re Apart

This is something I recommend for all long-distance relationships, but it can work particularly well for long-distance BDSM. A physical reminder – something you can look at, wear, touch, or hold – of your partner and your dynamic can help you to keep feeling connected and close when you’re apart.

A collar is an obvious example for a long distance sub, if that’s your thing. Other options could include a wearable such as a piece of jewellery or a pair of pet play ears, a kinky object such as a chastity device (or your partner’s device key), an item of your partner’s clothing or some of their perfume/cologne, a cuddly toy, a card or letter… whatever is most meaningful to the two of you and your dynamic.

Affiliate links appear in this post. Shopping with them sends me a small commission at no additional cost to you.