Category: Advice & How To

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Praise Kink Phrases: What is a Praise Kink and How Can You Enjoy It?

Published on by Amy20 Comments

Once in a while, I check the search terms people use to find me. For the last few months, the term “praise kink” has popped up again and again. Which is interesting, considering this is something I’ve never actually written about! So I thought it would be fun to talk about it. What is a praise kink, what are some praise kink phrases and ideas you can use, and what do you need to know about this incredibly popular fetish?

What is a Praise Kink?

In short, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Someone with a praise kink gets off on being praised, complimented, or receiving verbal approval. Less commonly, this kink is sometimes called “affirmation play.”

“But doesn’t everyone love praise?” you’re probably asking. And yes, many of us do! But having a praise kink isn’t quite the same thing. For people with a praise kink, certain words or phrases might elicit a sexual response, send them to subspace or Topspace (yes, it’s more common amongst submissives in my experience, but Tops and Dominants can have a praise kink too!) or otherwise have an impact beyond just “warm fuzzies from receiving a compliment”.

I don’t think there’s any actual data on this (can someone finance this study immediately please?) but I suspect there is a lot of crossover between those who enjoy praise in a kink context and those who have words of affirmation as one of their primary love languages.

Praise kink is often seen as being part of the softer, gentler type of BDSM. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be! As with all kinky things, it can be whatever you make of it.

Do You Have This Kink?

You might be reading this article wondering if this description applies to you. Sorry, I can’t answer this for you! The only person who knows for sure if you have a praise kink is you.

But consider these questions:

  • Do you have a sexual, submissive/dominant, or otherwise kink-based response to receiving praise?
  • Do you enjoy sex or a kink scene more when your partner gives you lots of positive verbal feedback?
  • When you think of verbal feedback that turned you on, could any of those phrases or your response to them be defined as praise kink?
  • When you think back on your hottest sex/kink scenes, do the complimentary things your partner said to you stand out as one of your favourite parts?

If any of these sound like you, then you might have a praise kink!

It’s important to note that praise kinks can be very contextual. While some people might find it hot whenever anyone gives them praise or a compliment, others find that this desire is specifically directed towards those with whom they have some kind of attraction, sexual relationship, or kink dynamic.

Praise Kink Ideas: Praise Kink Phrases You Can Use

Ultimately, the best way to learn what praise kink phrases will work for your partner is to ask them. Communication, understanding one another, and listening to feedback will get you further than a list of praise kink ideas ever will.

But if you’re not sure where to start, here are a few praise kink phrase ideas to get you started.

  • “You’re such a good… [girl/boy/slut/pet/their favourite term of endearment]”
  • “You’re doing/you did really well.”
  • “You look so beautiful/handsome/sexy when you… [insert activity here]”
  • “I’m so proud of you.”
  • “I love how well you took that spanking for me.”
  • “That feels amazing, keep doing that.”
  • “I love it when you… [insert action or activity here]”
  • “I can’t stop thinking about when you [insert hot or sexy thing they did here]”
  • “Your ass looks incredible in those panties”
  • “You’re so good at [eating my pussy/sucking my cock/fucking me/insert activity here]”
  • “I can’t wait to show you off to everyone at the club”
  • “You’re strong, I know you can take it for me”
  • “You’re so loved and cherished

These are all just ideas and you will undoubtedly come up with your own praise kink ideas and find your favourite phrases as you explore. Remember: the only right way to do it is the way that works for you and your partner.

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What is Ethical Porn and How Can It Enhance Your Sex Life?

Published on by Amy1 Comment

I have no problem with porn, but I do have a pretty big problem with the mainstream porn industry. The largest and most dominant pornographic sites have come under fire for hosting non-consensual material including so-called “revenge porn” (i.e. image-based abuse) and even child abuse material. They also often steal content from indie and amateur creators. But all porn isn’t like that and there is an alternative. If you’ve never explored ethical porn, you’re missing out. But what is ethical porn all about and how is Bellesa bringing it to more bedrooms?

Bellesa Plus ethical porn streaming platform

Today I’m spotlighting ethical porn platform Bellesa Plus, a streaming platform that calls itself “The Netflix of Porn” with prices starting from $3 per month. The higher prices offer special perks, such as free sex toys and gift cards to the Bellesa Boutique (BBoutique), but the low entry point means you can enjoy more ethical adult content even if you’re on a budget. 

But What is Ethical Porn?

As with many of the things we consume, from food to media, people are becoming more and more concerned about the ethics behind their porn. Untangling exactly what constitutes ethical porn can be a minefield, especially given that the porn industry is still often defending its right to exist at all. 

Here are four things that I believe go into making porn ethical. These are bare minimum standards, not a comprehensive framework; the porn industry is massive and complicated, and this issue is far too nuanced to sum up in a single post.

This might seem like a bare minimum standard, but it’s missing from a shocking amount of mainstream porn. 100% of Bellesa’s content features consenting adults having consensual sex that has been consensually filmed. 

Performers have the opportunity to negotiate with their partner before filming starts, exploring their likes and dislikes. If a scene involves roleplay, performers will receive a brief about their role in plenty of time to ensure they’re comfortable with it. 

Ethical Porn Centres Chemistry and Connection

I don’t watch porn very often. I tend to prefer my erotic material in written form. When I do watch porn, I often gravitate towards amateur content because it feels so much more authentic. Whatever the specific acts that they’re engaging in, ultimately I want to watch people who truly like (or even love) each other having hot sex that they’re genuinely enjoying. 

Many mainstream porn studios don’t give performers much choice who they work with. Part of Bellesa’s ethical framework involves pairing performers who truly have chemistry and actually want to have sex with each other. Because real connection and attraction makes for much hotter content and a much better working environment for the performers. 

Women as Subjects, Not Objects 

One of the things that will turn me off the fastest in any porn scene is seeing women being objectified. This is apparent in everything from the naming of scenes to the ways in which female pleasure is explored (or, often, ignored.) 

Ethical porn puts the pleasure of all participants front and center. Ethical porn depicts women as full human beings with their own desires and erotic agency. In other words, subjects of pleasure, not objects to be acted upon. Bellesa porn is directed and produced by women, headed up by the inimitable Jacky St. James. 

A Safe and Respectful Working Environment

Making pornography is work, and hard work at that. Performers deserve a safe working environment just as much as employees in any other industry. 

This can be as simple as prioritizing their comfort on set, such as making sure they’re well fed and hydrated. Sexual safety is important too, whether that’s ensuring plenty of lube is used or carrying out rigorous testing for STIs and COVID-19. And, of course, performers must retain the right to say no or to call “cut” on a scene for any reason.

Performers should also be fairly compensated for the work they do. Many porn performers say they love their job, but it can also be physically and emotionally taxing at times. Performers are workers and deserve to be paid a fair rate. 

How Ethical Porn Can Enhance Your Sex Life 

Despite what naysayers might say about it, I believe that porn can be a healthy and positive addition to your sex life, whether you’re single or partnered. When you make a point of consuming ethical porn, you can feel good about your viewing habits.

Here are three ways ethical porn can enhance your sex life. 

Get New Ideas

I recently experimented with a new kink activity with my partner. Why? Because I saw this specific act in a porn clip, thought it looked hot, and asked him if he’d be willing to try it with me.

Good, ethical porn has the potential to introduce you to new kinks, activities, and ways of having sex that you might never have thought of before. While you might not want to try everything you see, some things are sure to resonate. 

One of the things I love most about human sexuality is its infinite variety. Every single day, people are having sex in endlessly creative ways, many of which I’m sure I’ve never even thought of (and you probably haven’t, either!) Ethical porn gives you a consensual window into other people’s bedrooms and allows you to draw inspiration from what you see. 

Enjoy Things You Can’t Do in Real Life

Perhaps there are things you fantasize about but can’t (or don’t want to) do in real life. For example, you might be a bisexual person in a monogamous relationship with a different-gender partner. Watching porn can allow you to express your attraction to same-gendered people without changing the relationship you have with your partner. 

Or maybe you have a particular fetish that your partner doesn’t share. If your relationship agreements don’t allow for getting that itch scratched with others, porn featuring your kink is another ethical and safe sexual outlet. 

It’s also valid to enjoy things in fantasy that you don’t want to do in real life. Let’s say you fantasize about gangbangs but consider the idea too risky to carry out in reality. Ethical porn is a wonderful way to enjoy your fantasies in a safe way that doesn’t carry any of the real-world risk that might come with realising them. 

Boost Your Desire

For many people, including me, arousal begets arousal. In other words, the more you masturbate, have sex, or consume erotic media, the more you’ll want to. The anti-porn crowd would say this is a bad thing, but I believe it can be just the opposite! After all, sexual pleasure is healthy and orgasms are good for us. Why not seek a little more of both in your life? 

So if you’re looking to get in the mood more often or more easily, pulling up your favourite steamy scene can help make that happen. Whether you watch alone or with a partner, the right porn can help to fire up your libido when it needs a little extra help. 

Want to Explore Ethical Porn?

If so, grab yourself a Bellesa Plus ethical porn subscription. You’ll get access to top content from 50+ premium porn channels, unlimited 4K streaming, access to interactive sex education content, and unlimited access to over 600 erotic stories. You’ll also enjoy 24/7 support, discreet and secure billing, and an ad-free viewing experience. 

Best of all, you can get off to some of the hottest content you’ll find anywhere, and know that you’re supporting a company doing good in this industry. 

Bellesa Plus ethical porn logo

FYI: this post was sponsored by Bellesa. All views, as ever, are my own. 

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There is No Time Limit: Exploring Your Sexuality Later in Life

Published on by Amy3 Comments

I occasionally receive questions from readers who are wondering if it is “too late” for them to enjoy some aspect of sex or relationships. Some haven’t had their first sexual experience by the time they reach their 20s. Others are realising they’re queer or trans and coming out in their 40s. Some are considering trying polyamory, exploring kink, or experimenting with group sex for the first time in their 50s, 60s, or even later in life. Regardless of your reasons for exploring your sexuality later in life, I’m here to tell you this: there is no time limit.

You can have amazing sex at any age or stage of life, including if you’re a “late bloomer.”

You can find love after the age of 35. Yes, even if you want to get married. Yes, even if you want to have children.

Polyamory, kink, group sex, and all those other wonderful adventures aren’t just for youngsters. You can have your first orgasm in your 30s or 50s or 70s or 90s.

Why Exploring Your Sexuality Later Can Be Beneficial

I understand that it’s hard, and daunting to feel like you’re running late. Though it might not seem like it, exploring your sexuality later in life can give you some advantages. There are times when it can be beneficial to have a bit of life experience behind you.

It’s true that a lot of people are now finding sex positive communities and the resources they need to explore their sexuality earlier in life. In large part, this is thanks to the internet. I discovered polyamory and kink in my late teens. There was a time when I’d be the youngest person in any sex positive space I entered by at least a decade. I don’t think new adults exploring these spaces generally have the same experience today.

For a long time, I was grateful to have found these communities early and experienced so many things so young. Now, though, my relationship with that time in my life is more complicated. In some ways, I wish I’d put off exploring sex until a little later in my life.

I’m glad I’ve had my entire adult life to explore. But looking back with the wisdom and knowledge of a woman in her 30s? I can see the ways that I was tremendously vulnerable back then. I’d walk into a room, young and wide-eyed and so naive, and I might as well have had a sign over my head saying Fresh Meat. The way some of the men looked at me, when I was barely out of high school, is no longer something I recall with pride but something that makes me shudder. I spent a lot of time in those early days fending off the advances of men ten or twenty or thirty years older than me. Or not fending them off and falling into situations I was wildly ill-equipped to handle.

It was all kind of fun… until it wasn’t. I had some amazing adventures, but I also picked up a lot of new traumas. I’m saying all this to illustrate that the knowledge and wisdom that comes with being older can be a huge asset. It can help keep you safe, healthy, and boundaried when you’re exploring your sexuality later in life.

4 Tips for Exploring Sex Later in Life

Whatever your story and whatever the reason you’re exploring relationships, pleasure, identity, or sex in later life, the first thing I want this post to do is give you a sense of permission. To let you know that you’re welcome and it’s not too late for you. But I also thought some tips and suggestions might be useful. As always, pick the ones that work for you and leave the ones that don’t.

Give Yourself Permission to Be a Beginner

No matter your age or prior experiences, there’s no shame in being new to something. That includes sex, relationships, dating, queerness, kink, masturbation, pleasure… all of it. Something a lot of people find helpful is to approach whatever aspect of sexuality they’re exploring as if it were a new hobby.

You wouldn’t sit down at a piano for the first time and expect to play a flawless Beethoven sonata. You wouldn’t go to your first ever language class and expect to come out speaking fluent Italian. Sexuality is just the same. None of us are born knowing this stuff. As long as you’re breathing and curious there’s always, always, always time to learn.

Being a beginner isn’t shameful. It’s a beautiful sign that you had the courage to step out of your comfort zone and learn something new.

Get Educated About Sex, Relationships, Pleasure, and Your Body

Depending on your age and where you grew up, your sex education was likely somewhere on the spectrum from “lacking” to “non existent.” If you’re exploring sex or relationships later in life and feel like you don’t know all that much about your sexuality, your body, or what you enjoy, that’s no reflection on you. But it is something you can take control of! This might include some unlearning, letting go of old narratives, and releasing shame that isn’t serving you.

Check out the resources section below to help you get started.

By the way: don’t forget to learn about sexual health, too. Even if pregnancy is no longer a concern for you, you’ll still need to understand how to protect yourself and your lover(s) from STIs.

Embrace the Power of “I Don’t Know Yet”

It can be daunting to be asked questions like “what do you like?” or “how do you identify?” and not know the answers. But not knowing is part of the journey, and it’s okay not to know! It’s also okay if your answers tomorrow, or a year from now, or ten years from now are not the same as they are today. Change, growth, discovery, and rediscovery are all part of this process.

Meet Your Body Where It Is

Your body may not be the same now as it was ten or thirty or fifty years ago. It’s normal to feel some complicated feelings about that, but ageing or disability needn’t be a barrier to enjoying your sexuality in its full glory. If you’re exploring sex later in life, it’s important to get to know your body as it is now.

Get curious. Learn about your responses and desires and the reality of your current body. Practice radical acceptance of your body and yourself. You might need to expand your definition of sex and pleasure (it’s not all about penetration!). Navigating sexual side effects, such as a drop in libido or anorgasmia, can also be issues for folks of any age who take some medications.

Pro tip: tools like a good lube, positioning aids, and smart sex tech can be game-changers at any age.

Resources for Exploring Sex Later in Life

Whether you’re exploring your sexuality in your 20s, your 80s, or anywhere in between, check out some of these resources to learn more.

If You’re Ready to Explore Sex in Later Life, You’re Right on Time

We all have a finite amount of time on this planet. But as long as we’re still here, there’s no time limit on learning, exploring, adventuring, experiencing.

Tomorrow is always a new day. No matter your age or your experiences so far, you can always wake up and decide that you want to do something differently. You can try something new, learn something new, chase some new dream.

Sex, relationships, love, pleasure… they’re for everyone who wants them. You don’t have to have had your first sexual experience by 20, met your life partner by 25, got married by 30, or discovered kink while you’re still young enough to attend the “Under 35” munch.

We all come to things at different stages and for different reasons. Wherever you are in your journey and whatever your reasons for exploring your sexuality later in life, those of us in the sex positive community are waiting to welcome you. You’re not too late. I promise.

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Sexual Side Effects: How to Have Sex if Medication is Getting in the Way of Your Pleasure

Published on by Amy

Unfortunately, sexual side effects are incredibly common with numerous types of medication. Antidepressants and other mental health medications including SSRIs and MOAIs, blood pressure medications, ADHD medications, and certain hormonal therapies are just some of the commonly prescribed medical treatments that can affect sex drive, orgasm, and sexual function.

Sexual side effects can include loss of desire, low arousal, erectile issues, pain during sex, and anorgasmia. Obviously, not everyone who takes medication experiences these issues and not everyone will experience them to the same extent. They can also naturally occur as a result of ageing, stress, physical health issues, and so on. But they are super common. In this post, I’ll share some strategies that can help you to manage them and continue to access sexual pleasure, if you want to.

Note: I am not a medical professional, so I have kept my advice here to sex and relationships advice, not medical advice. If you have any medical concerns or queries, see your doctor.

Talk to Your Doctor About Sexual Side Effects

You shouldn’t have to choose between the right medication and a happy and pleasurable sex life. You should be able to have both! So if you’re suffering from sexual side effects, talk to your doctor. My doctor once told me to stay on my antidepressants even though they killed my sex drive and appetite. I ignored that advice and ultimately switched to a different doctor (and a different drug.)

A good provider will work with you to find a medication solution that helps you without damaging your sex life. This might mean adjusting your dose, trying a different drug, or implementing other strategies to combat the sexual side effects. If your doctor dismisses you or doesn’t think sexual pleasure is important, go to a different doctor.

Sex matters. For many of us, it’s a quality of life issue. You deserve to get medical support and be taken seriously.

Get Creative and Expand Your Definition of Sex

Perhaps you can’t or don’t want to change your medication right now (or ever), but you also want to start enjoying sex again. If so, I invite you to think about your definition of sex. When you think of sex, are you thinking exclusively about penetrative intercourse or another specific activity?

Getting creative, exploring different kinds of touch, and expanding your definition of sex can all be great ways to sidestep sexual side effects and find new ways to access pleasure and sensuality.

What if sex didn’t need to involve penetration? What if there was no pressure for anyone to have an orgasm, and you could just enjoy touch and sensation without racing towards any particular goal? If it didn’t matter whether a cock got hard or a pussy got wet? Paradoxically, removing the focus from things like penetration, erection, or orgasm can actually make those things easier. Don’t underestimate the power of taking the pressure off.

Intimate connection doesn’t even need to involve your genitals! What if you spent an entire session just kissing and making out, focusing on nipple play, trading massages? What if a kink scene, whether that involves flogging or shibari or candle wax or sensation play or power exchange, was the main event rather than an appetiser? When you step away from what you assume sex is, you discover all the things pleasure can be.

Experiment with Toys

Sex toys are amazing for so many reasons! (That’s why I turned talking about them into a career.) One of the ways they’re amazing? They can help to overcome or navigate sexual side effects by offering different kinds and intensities of sensation.

If you’re struggling with a loss of sensation, powerful vibrators can help. When I suffered from anorgasmia and a reduced sex drive due to antidepressants, a wand vibrator helped me to break through the block. Some people with a clitoris find that the focused intensity of suction toys works well when sensitivity is low. If you have a penis and your medication makes it difficult to get or stay hard, a toy like the Hot Octopuss Pulse – which can be used from either erect or flaccid – can be a great choice. If you want to have penetrative sex, a strap-on, fucking machine, thrusting toy, or dildo can facilitate it.

If pain during sex is an issue, toys and accessories can also help. The OhNut is an amazing invention that limits the depth of penetration with a penis or dildo, and dilators can help to gently stretch and relax your vaginal tissue.

Explore Self-Touch

Learning to navigate sexual side effects and adjusting to your body’s new normal can be a process. Whether or not you have a partner, this is a great time to explore self-touch. You might want to experiment with masturbating in different ways (such as in a new position or with toys), experiment with mindful masturbation, or perhaps just touch your body in whatever ways feel good to you.

Talk About Your Sexual Side Effects with Your Lover(s)

Too many of us have, at some point, struggled through sex that was not pleasurable or even sex that was painful. Perhaps we felt pressured, perhaps we didn’t want to let our partner down, or perhaps we believed that maybe we’d “get into it” if we just kept going. I understand the urge, but you deserve so much more than suffering through uncomfortable or painful sex.

A partner who loves and respects you will want to understand your experience and support you. Great sex with a partner is a collaborative process. It begins with honesty and vulnerability, so – as long as you’re in a safe and trusting relationship – talk to your partner(s) about how you’re feeling, what’s going on for you, and how you’d like to address it. If you want them to do or not to something specific, ask for it. If you just want their patience and understanding while you adjust, ask for that.

Fight Shame and Self-Blame

Sexual side effects often bring a lot of shame. You might feel as though there’s something wrong with you, or worry that you’re letting your partner(s) down. Some people even feel as though their masculinity, femininity, or sense of sexual identity is threatened.

There is absolutely no shame in what you’re going through right now. Orgasm problems and loss of sex drive are still stigmatised and, unfortunately, so are certain types of medication such as antidepressants. However, please try to avoid getting into a shame cycle or blaming yourself. But sexual side effects are incredibly normal, and most of us will be on medication that will impact our sexuality at some point in our lives.

If you’re struggling with shame, reach out to others who have had similar experiences, ask your partner(s) for reassurance and support, or talk to a therapist.

Check Out These Resources to Help You Navigate Sexual Side Effects

Wherever you are in your journey with medication and navigating sexual side effects, these are a few resources I recommend. As always, pick the ones that sound most useful to you!

If you find my work useful, you can help me keep doing this by buying me a coffee! This post contains affiliate links.

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What is Consent? 10 Fundamentals Everyone Needs to Understand

Published on by Amy

Most of us think we know what consent is in sex, relationships, and beyond. But when you start to look at it more closely, the “what is consent?” question becomes murkier and far more complex. That’s why I’ve put together a quick consent 101 with ten fundamentals you need to know.

If you asked most people what consent is, their answer would likely relate to sex. And yes, sexual consent is obviously vital. But if we only apply consent to sex, we’re missing out a lot of vital steps.

Instead, I’d like us to think of consent as something we apply in all areas of our lives. If your child doesn’t want to hug or kiss a relative, don’t make them. When your partner tells you they hate being tickled, don’t take it as a challenge. If your friend has decided to quit alcohol, don’t push them to drink. And so on.

If we normalise respecting people’s choices and autonomy in all areas of life, it becomes easier to normalise informed consent as a minimum standard for sex.

Consenting to something in one context doesn’t imply that the person consents to it in another setting or situation. I might love my partner casually grabbing my ass in the kitchen while we’re cooking dinner. That doesn’t mean I want them to do it when I’m on a work call.

Never assume that consent in Context A implies consent in Context B. If you’re not sure, ask.

Consent is inherently person-specific. In other words, consenting to something with one person doesn’t mean you’ll agree to it with someone else. This one should really be self-evident. Unfortunately, in a world where prior consensual sexual activity with someone else is still widely used to discredit survivors of sexual violence, it still needs reiterating.

Consent is as much about what happens when someone says “no” as when they say “yes.” To be meaningful, consent must be revocable. In other words, all parties must be able to stop an activity or interaction at any point.

Even if you’re in a 24/7 D/s relationship, consent is never, ever irreversible. If consent can’t be revoked, you don’t have a relationship, you have a hostage situation.

Consent that’s given without all pertinent information isn’t really consent at all. Lying, deliberately omitting information, or misrepresenting the situation to obtain consent renders it meaningless.

Consent to Activity A doesn’t imply consent to Activity B. If I’ve consented to kiss you, that doesn’t mean you can touch my genitals without asking. If I say you can tie me up, that doesn’t mean you also get to spank me unless I say you can.

Never assume that someone is up for something based on their having consented to something different. If there’s any doubt, ask or check in.

Consent is active, not passive. A lack of saying no is not a yes. Sadly, I still hear “well, they didn’t say no” used as a defense for violating consent.

Is the other person actively engaged in whatever you’re doing together? Are they responding positively? If not, pause and check in. If they shrug, say something non-committal, go quiet, or otherwise seem uncomfortable, stop.

Standard sex education in schools is too often based on a “boys push, girls say no” model. This was certainly the consent 101 education I received. But this is a gross over-simplification of what consent is and how it works. This model also harms everyone. It normalises men pressuring women for sex, it completely invisibilises male victims of sexual violence, and it’s cisheteronormative.

Consent is everyone’s responsibility, regardless of gender, orientation, or identity. Everyone needs to learn how to seek consent, how to give or withhold it, and how to accept a “no” with grace.

As a general rule, I’m a proponent of allowing informed and consenting adults to make the best decisions for themselves. However, this principle has its limits. There are some things one cannot reasonably consent to. Following the murder of Grace Millane, the UK outlawed use of the so-called “rough sex defense” in murder trials.

Here’s a great article from my friend Franki Cookney on why this defense is an antithesis to what consensual kink is all about. The bottom line? Fun, consensual kink doesn’t cause serious harm. People cannot consent to GBH or death.

This is the hardest one to swallow, and yet the most essential. We are, all of us, imperfect. I’ve made consent mistakes in the past, and I’m sure you have too.

But making a mistake or fucking up in good faith doesn’t make you a terrible person. It makes you human. Apologise, change your behaviour, and learn from the incident so you don’t cause the same harm again. Doing our best, operating in good faith, and sincerely seeking to improve when you make a misstep is how we prevent small consent mistakes from becoming big violations.

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Five of the Best Virtual Date Ideas

Published on by Amy

I wrote the first iteration of this post during the height of the first COVID-19 lockdown. Separated from my then-boyfriend by the pandemic for almost a year and a half, getting creative with our virtual date ideas became essential.

Thankfully, the lockdown days are long behind us (and so is that relationship, but that’s another story.) But there are so many other reasons why you might want to keep a few virtual date ideas up your sleeve. In a long distance relationship, separated by work travel or family obligations, or feeling too under the weather to meet up in person? If so, here are five of my best virtual date ideas to get you started.

Movie Night

You can use an app like Watch Party to share a virtual movie night, but it’s just as easy to sync up and hit “play” on your Netflix or DVD player at the same time… or even both watch the same movie as it’s being shown on TV (retro!)

You can video, voice or text-chat while you watch, if you wish, or just call each other afterwards and talk about the movie. Pop some popcorn and dim the lights for the full cinematic experience.

Enjoy a Virtual Museum Tour with Your Date

Did you know that museums all over the world have virtual tours of their galleries and exhibitions available online? These offerings exploded during the early days of the pandemic, but many are still offering them several years later.

Meet online to explore a virtual museum and video or voice-chat while you wander around. Check out this list for some virtual museum date ideas and inspiration!

Night at the Theatre

There was a time when live theatre was only accessible to people who would get to major cities and afford the often-exorbitant ticket prices. Cinemas have been live streaming selected shows for years for a fraction of the price of seeing them live, but now thanks to streaming there are hundreds of plays, musicals, ballets, operas, and more that you can watch from the comfort of your couch.

Pick a show, sync up, and hit play. Bonuses of the virtual theatre: you can wear your pyjamas if you want to, your bed is probably comfier than an actual theatre seat, and the drinks are cheaper!

Check out Come From Away on Apple TV+, Hamilton on Disney+, and Next to Normal or The Importance of Being Earnest on NT at Home for some of my faves.

Looking for Fancy Virtual Date Ideas? Try a Cheese and Wine Party

If you’re feeling fancy, why not share an online cheese and wine tasting with your sweetie? Get some interesting cheeses from the supermarket or, better yet, a local farmers’ market or deli. Pick up a bottle of wine or two, or your favourite non-alcoholic alternative. Then enjoy your treats and compare notes on your favourites while you video-chat with one another.

To take it up a notch, dress in your most fabulously extra outfits. Pyjamas work too, of course!

Hot Virtual Sex Date

Of course I wouldn’t be me without saying that some hot online sex is one of the best virtual date ideas of all. It’s fun, it’s free, and it’s a great way to keep your sexual connection alive no matter how far apart you are.

Set aside the time to completely focus on each other and get lost in some deliciously hot phone sex, sexting, or cyber-sex. An app-controlled sex toy can put your pleasure in your partner’s hands from anywhere in the world. Want to kink it up? I have ideas for that, too.

Suggestive image of a woman's fingers caressing an orange. Text reads: is masturbation cheating? No, and here's why not.

Is Masturbation Cheating? No, And Here’s Why Not

Published on by Amy3 Comments

“Is masturbation cheating?” is a question that comes up surprisingly frequently. A lot of people carry tremendous guilt about masturbating, especially if they are in a relationship, while others feel betrayed by their partner’s solo sex habits and view masturbating as a form of cheating.

What is Cheating, Anyway?

Before we can dismantle the idea that masturbation is cheating, we first need to understand what “cheating” or infidelity actually is.

In most monogamous relationships, cheating is defined along the lines of “doing sexual or romantic things with someone who isn’t your partner.” Of course, this doesn’t hold up for those of us who are polyamorous or in open relationships. In those relationships, doing sexual or romantic things with multiple people is the entire point. However, it’s still possible to commit infidelity, betray a partner, or cheat in polyamorous and non-monogamous relationships.

Broadly speaking, my working definition of cheating is knowingly and willfully breaking the agreements of your relationship in order to engage sexually or romantically with another person without your partner’s knowledge and/or consent.

Masturbating Cannot Be Cheating Because You Can’t Cheat On Your Partner With Yourself

Masturbation is solo sex, or something that you do alone and with your own body. By definition, therefore, masturbation cannot be cheating because it does not involve a third party. You cannot cheat on your partner with yourself.

If touching your own body is cheating, then is taking yourself on a dinner date to a restaurant cheating? After all, you presumably go on dates with your partner. If this argument sounds ludicrous, it’s because the idea that masturbation is cheating is equally nonsensical.

Again: you cannot cheat on someone with yourself.

Is Masturbation Cheating if My Partner is Masturbating All the Time Instead of Having Sex With Me?

It’s true that, in occasional outlying circumstances, a person’s masturbation habits can become compulsive to the point that they interfere with partnered sex. However, this isn’t super common and regular masturbation doesn’t normally have a negative impact on sexual desire for a partner. But even if this is what’s happening, the answer to the question of whether masturbating instead of having sex with a partner is cheating is still no.

Sexual incompatibilities in a relationship can be hard, but they’re a thousand times harder when you don’t talk about them. If you’re dissatisfied with the sexual relationship you have with your partner, you need to have a conversation. You might need to work on increasing intimacy in your relationship, get outside support such as therapy, renegotiate the terms of your relationship, or end it. But it’s still not cheating.

Your partner doesn’t owe you sex, and their right to a solo sex life is not contingent on their providing you with sexual access to them. Forbidding your partner to masturbate might seem like an easy answer if you’re not getting your sexual needs met, but it’s never okay to infringe on your partner’s bodily autonomy in this way. It also won’t actually solve the problem because, in all but the most extreme cases, the chances are that your partner’s lack of interest in sex has little or nothing to do with their masturbation habits.

Is Masturbation Cheating If I Hide It?

No.

Your partner doesn’t need to know about everything you do that doesn’t impact them directly. This includes solo sex. Masturbating privately is not cheating.

Of course, I believe that partners should be able to talk openly about sex, including masturbation. But this doesn’t mean that you need to tell your partner every time you do it, or even specifically notify them that you masturbate at all. The overwhelming majority of people masturbate. We should all probably just assume that our partners are getting themselves off sometimes and that it’s not a big deal.

People in relationships are still allowed privacy, and that privacy extends to masturbation.

Is Masturbation Cheating if I Watch Porn or Fantasise?

Still no.

I understand that people can have strong opinions about porn and other erotic media. And I can understand wanting to be with someone whose views on the subject align with yours. However, I still firmly believe that, as long as you’re using it mindfully, consuming porn or erotica can be a part of a healthy solo sex life that has no negative impact on your relationship whatsoever.

And by the way: porn is not an addiction. Neither is using a sex toy. Neither is masturbation.

Similarly, fantasising is not a problem and having fantasies while masturbating does not constitute cheating. Most of us find people other than our partners attractive or have sexual fantasies that don’t involve our current partners at least occasionally. Fantasy is fantasy, and does not equate to action. Simply put: masturbation to sexual fantasies is still not cheating.

Your Body Belongs To You

You have an absolute, inalienable right to bodily autonomy. Your body belongs to you and nobody else. Always.

And yes, this applies even in a 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationship. You might consensually agree to play with things like chastity or orgasm control because they’re fun, but even a submissive partner can always take back control, renegotiate, or withdraw consent at any time. If you can’t do this then you don’t have a relationship, you have a hostage situation.

You have the right to do what you like with and to your own body. And that includes the right to engage in a sexual relationship with yourself. Even if you’ve agreed to be monogamous, your partner does not own your sexuality. Masturbation is not cheating and you have a right to do it if you want to. Trying to control you to that extent, or limit the ways you can engage privately with your own body, is a major red flag or abuse or coercive control.

Cup of tea. For a post about acts of service as a love language in kink

The Kinky Love Languages: Acts of Service

Published on by Amy2 Comments

This is the last post in my “five love languages for kink” series, and today we’re talking acts of service. I deliberately left this one until last. Out of the five love languages from the original framework, it is perhaps the easiest to apply to a kink and BDSM context. After all, service submission is a whole kink in and of itself! If your partner speaks this love language and you want some ideas for how to apply acts of service to your dominance or submission, keep reading.

What is the Acts of Service Love Language?

The acts of service love language can best be summed up as “actions speak louder than words.” It’s all about doing things for the other person, and specifically things that reduce their workload or make their life easier. This love language prioritises thoughtfulness and care in the small, day to day things that improve someone’s quality of life.

Wait, Isn’t Service Part of Submission? How Can a Dominant Perform Acts of Service!?

Many people might assume that a submissive wouldn’t want to receive love through acts of service. They might think that it would undermine a D/s relationship for a Dominant to show love in this way. But this is a pretty reductive understanding of both this love language, and D/s relationship dynamics. Service doesn’t have to be synonymous with submission or subservience.

The Five Love Languages site suggests things like doing the dishes, collecting their mail, and getting up in the middle of the night for childcare duties as acts of service partners can do for one another. At their core, acts of service are just about taking care of each other. And if you’re a Dominant, I believe that one of the most important parts of your role is taking care of your submissive.

Exactly what “care” means in this context is, of course, open to interpretation and will depend upon your dynamic. A Daddy Dom will likely care for their submissive in a different way to a sadist, and a pet player will show care differently to an Owner in an Owner/property dynamic.

So, yes, making your submissive dinner might be considered an act of service. You can do this out of love and to show care. You can also frame it as an act of dominance, if you like. Think of it like this: your submissive is your most cherished possession. That means taking care of them (for example, by making sure they get proper nourishment) is paramount. Taking a chore off their hands when they’re exhausted, running an errand to save them time on a busy day, or picking up their medication for them can all be acts of service to show your partner that they’re loved and ways of taking care of your favourite toy. As a Dominant, acts of service coming from you aren’t submission, they’re care.

Even though you’re in a relationship based on dominance and submission, it’s still a relationship. You might have negotiated an unequal power imbalance, but you both still exist in the real world. In that world you need to be equal human beings with responsibilities that you take on together. Shouldering your fair share of the load is not only both attractive (and Dominant) as hell, but necessary to keep a relationship healthy and functioning.

Service Submission and Other Acts of Service Ideas for Submissives

Service, in the context of performing acts of service as submission, is very often a part of a D/s relationship. This will look different in every relationship, and if service submission is your thing (or your partner loves receiving it and you’re happy to give it,) you’ll need to negotiate what that looks like for you.

Ask your Dominant, if they haven’t already told you, what specific forms of service work best for them. Perhaps you always make their drink in the morning or iron their favourite shirt. Maybe you polish their boots before a party or have dinner on the table when they get back from work.

Try to balance routine and flexibility. Routine can help to build a dynamic and a submissive headspace, as well as showing consistency and reliability. But flexibility is essential when circumstances, people, and needs inevitably change (which they will.)

Acts of service submission can also relate directly to your kinky play. Cleaning toys after a session, coiling your Dominant’s rope in the way they like it, or making sure you have their favourite brand of lube before they come over all count as acts of service. Sexual service, if you’re into that, can also be incredibly hot.

Acts of Service Ideas for All Roles and Dynamics

Regardless of your role or dynamic in your relationship, the keys to successful acts of service are:

  1. Doing things without being asked, at least sometimes.
  2. Going above and beyond the usual call of duty.

No-one expects you to be a mind-reader and know exactly what your partner wants without them asking. But you probably know them at least reasonably well, so use that knowledge to find little ways to perform service for them without being prompted.

Run to the store when you’ve run out of milk before they get up and make their morning coffee. Put a hot water bottle in bed for them on a cold night. Make them lunch before a long work day. Do the chore that’s usually theirs when they’ve had a long day. The significance here isn’t in grand gestures, but in finding little everyday ways to show consideration, love, and service through your submission or dominance.

“Above and beyond” just means that doing the expected 50%-ish of shared relationship and domestic labour isn’t enough by itself (though it is important!) You need to go a step beyond that at least sometimes. If your partner’s love language is acts of service, the quickest way to make them feel unloved and unseen is to do the bare minimum you can get away with.

Two people kissing and holding, their faces unseen. Header for a post on the physical touch love language

The Kinky Love Languages: Physical Touch

Published on by Amy

It’s time for the penultimate “Kinky Love Languages” post, in which I explore the five love languages and ways that they can relate to kinky relationships. Today we’re exploring some physical touch love language ideas and how you can make this language work for you.

What is the Physical Touch Love Language?

When people think of the love language of physical touch, they often think of sex first. And, yes, sex is part of this language for many people. But it’s far from the only part. A person whose love language is physical touch is likely to value things like cuddling, holding hands, hugs, and kisses. Even small gestures like an arm around their shoulder as you watch TV or a gentle, affectionate touch as you pass each other can mean a lot.

By the way: people who are asexual, including sex-repulsed aces, can still have this love language. There are so many amazing forms of non sexual touch to explore.

Physical Touch Love Language Ideas for Submissive Partners

A submissive who speaks the love language of touch is likely to place high value on the physical aspects of BDSM. Think the thud of a flogger across their back, the feeling of rope tightening against their skin, the raw intimacy of a spanking, the feeling of your hand in their hair, or the sensation of your teeth nibbling their neck.

If your submissive speaks this love language, it’s more important than ever to make plenty of time for close, physical, and intimate kinky play.

For a submissive who experiences love through physicality, the touch of their Dominant can be its own reward. Caress their cheek when you tell them you’re pleased with them. Give them a few swats on the ass before bed. Stroke their hair. If you want to reinforce certain behaviours or just make your submissive feel loved, give them plenty of physical affection. Touch them lovingly, easily, and often.

When you’re out in public or at a party, gestures that keep them physically close—holding their hand, putting an arm around them, or placing your hand on the small of their back—can make them feel treasured.

Think about physical body positions, too. Some subs who enjoy physical touch may also enjoy things like submissive postures, being human furniture, or sitting at your feet.

Many submissives want to feel taken care of by a Dominant. You can incorporate physical touch into the ways you care for your sub by, for example, washing or brushing their hair, helping them with personal care activities like shaving, or even feeding them from your hand.

Doms Like Cuddles, Too! Physical Touch Ideas for Dominants

People tend to forget that most Dominants like hugs and cuddles just as much as anyone else. For Dominants whose love language is physical touch, submissive partners have so many opportunities to incorporate this into submission or service.

Again, the physical side of kink is likely to be hugely important to your Dominant if this is their love language. So make time for kinky play, prioritise it in your schedule, and do your best to stick to any play dates you arrange. A Dominant who loves physical touch is unlikely to be comfortable functioning as a “service Top” (someone who takes on a Dominant role primarily to pleasure their partner) most or all of the time. Make sure their physical needs and desires are met in your scenes as well.

While sex and kinky play can play a key role in speaking this love language, non sexual touch and general physical affection are just as important.

Learning to give a really good back massage or foot rub can be a wonderful gift for your Dominant who loves physical touch. You could also include physical closeness by doing intimate and body-based tasks for them such as painting their nails, styling their hair, shaving their legs, or washing their back.

There are also many ways to demonstrate loving submission through physical affection. Try laying your head on their lap or shoulder, curling up close to them on the couch so they can pet you, or kissing whichever parts of their body they like to have kissed.

Things to Remember No Matter Your Role

Physical intimacy can look so many different ways, and it’s slightly different for every relationship. If you or your partner speaks the physical touch love language, prioritising sex and kinky play might well be important to you. It’s also important to make plenty of time and space for cuddles, kissing, holding hands, non sexual touch, and the kind of easy physical closeness that can come in a long-term relationship.

Physical touch is probably the hardest love language to meet if you’re in a long distance relationship. There are still things you can do if you get creative. Give your partner a soft toy to hug. Give them a shirt that smells like you to sleep with. Invest in some really good app-controlled sex toys so you can touch them sexually by proxy. But realistically, if one or both of you feels strongly connected to the love language of physical touch, you’re going to need to make an effort to see each other in person as often as you can.

Pink rabbit vibrator on white surface. Text in white inside a pink heart reads "masturbation in a relationship"

Masturbation in a Relationship: Good, Normal, and Healthy

Published on by Amy4 Comments

The subject of masturbation in a relationship is surprisingly divisive. A shocking number people still believe masturbation is cheating or that once you’re in a relationship or married, your partner has exclusive rights to you as a sexual being. Others feel guilt, shame, or worry that they’re broken or “addicted” if they still masturbate while they’re in a relationship.

Of all the myths about masturbation I wish would die, the idea that people in relationships don’t (or shouldn’t) masturbate is near the top of the list.

Masturbation is not only normal, but also healthy and good for you. This applies equally whether you’re partnered or single. Let’s look at some really good reasons to engage in some self-love regardless of your relationship status.

Your Only Lifelong Sexual Relationship Will Be With Yourself

Relationships come and go. Most of us are not constantly in a relationship from the moment we become aware of our sexual desires to the moment we die. Even if you’re in one monogamous relationship your entire adult life, there will be times when sex is off the cards whether due to illness, medication, ageing, mismatched desire, or geographical separation. Most of us will go through periods of being in relationships and periods of being single throughout our lives.

But whoever else is or isn’t in our lives (and beds,) our longest and most enduring sexual relationship will always be with ourselves.

Masturbation is one of the greatest ways to build a positive sexual relationship with yourself. It gives you the tools to satisfy yourself sexually without the need for anyone else. It contributes to positive sexual self-esteem, increased pleasure, and better mood.

Masturbation in Relationships Can Improve Your Partnered Sex

Few things are hotter than a sexual partner who knows exactly what they like and knows how to ask for it. And do you know what masturbation is amazing for? Teaching you what you like and allowing you to discover new things.

Exploring your own body gives you the tools to tell (or show) present and future partners how you like to be touched. And, since bodies change throughout our lifetimes for many reasons, this is an ongoing process of self exploration and learning.

Masturbation helps to keep your knowledge of your own body sharp. It also reduces fear of change in your body, because you already know how to roll with this change and adapt to meet your body where it’s at.

Masturbation Can Take the Pressure Off

Relying on one person to meet all of your sexual needs can be a lot of pressure for both of you. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, exploring with other people is understandably off the table. But exploring with yourself absolutely shouldn’t be.

If having sex with your partner is the only way you can get your sexual needs met, that creates an environment that is more likely to lead to coercion or pressure, even if unintentional. But if you have a rich sexual relationship with yourself, you can meet your own needs when your desire and your partner’s don’t line up.

Masturbation in a Relationship Doesn’t Mean There is Anything Wrong With Your Sex Life

“My partner shouldn’t need to masturbate, they have me!”

After more than 15 years of being sexually active, I’ve realised that the amount I masturbate has almost nothing to do with the amount (or, frankly, the quality) of partnered sex I’m having. I couldn’t find any robust data on this subject but, anecdotally at least, this appears to be a fairly typical experience.

Some people even report that they masturbate more when they’re having great sex with a partner. A satisfying sex life can give your overall level of desire a boost, creating a virtuous circle where pleasure begets desire begets pleasure.

Long story short, your partner masturbating does not mean your sex life together is somehow lacking or unsatisfactory.

Masturbation and Sex Fulfill Different Needs

Masturbation and partnered sex are different. Partnered sex can be as much about the connection, the dynamic, and the interplay between partners as about the physical sensations. Masturbation can be about anything from exploring new sensations to indulging in a fantasy world to just releasing some tension so you can go to sleep.

Partnered sex is about both (or all) the people involved. Masturbation can be just about you. And it’s okay to desire and enjoy both, in different ways and for different reasons.

Your Body Belongs to You

This is really the bottom line in the question of masturbation in a relationship. Your body is yours, and you are the only person who gets to decide what you do with it. Whatever your relationship status, you don’t need anyone’s permission to have a sexual relationship with yourself.

A relationship is a mutual and consensual exchange between two (or more) people. It does not imply ownership over the other person, their body, or their sexuality. If your partner thinks they have a right to control or limit your solo sex life, it can be a red flag for coercive control.

Resources and Further Reading