Category: Advice & How To

Header image for a post on how I deal with jealousy in polyamory

Five Tools I Use to Deal with Jealousy

Published on by Amy

Here’s something I feel very strongly about: jealousy in polyamory, non-monogamy, and relationships in general, is normal. Jealousy is a human emotion and something that the overwhelming majority of us will feel from time to time. It is not the devil. And with a little jealousy management knowledge, practice, and self-compassion, it’s actually not that hard to deal it without allowing it to run roughshod over your emotions and relationships.

When people claim to be immune to jealousy, I suspect that they are either suppressing their feelings to an unhealthy degree or that they simply have not encountered a jealousy-inducing situation yet. You can no more be immune to jealousy than you can be immune to happiness, sadness, grief, anger, or any of the rest of the vast array of feelings that make up the human experience.

So when I tell people that I’m polyamorous and they ask “but don’t you get jealous?”, my answer is “sure, sometimes.” That tends to throw people off, as they seemingly expected me to say “nope, never!” The key to healthy polyamory relationship, though, isn’t to never feel jealousy. The key is to find constructive rather than destructive jealousy management techniques.

To that end, here are five tools I use to help me deal with jealousy on those occasions that it does arise. If any of them resonate with you, as always, take what works and leave what doesn’t.

A Surprisingly Effective Polyamory Jealousy Management Hack: Fake It ‘Til I Make It

Sometimes, I like to ask myself “what would the best possible version of Amy do in this situation?” Then I simply do that thing. It might feel a little forced at first, but it usually ends up feeling natural quicker than you might expect.

What would the best version of you do? Perhaps they would be super kind and welcoming to their new metamour, even if they were feeling a little threatened by them deep down. Or perhaps they’d tell their partner they were happy for them after an amazing date, even if they were also feeling really wobbly about it. The point isn’t to lie or to hide your emotions, it’s just to lead with your best foot forward.

This jealousy management strategy won’t be right for everyone. Some people will end up feeling angry, resentful, or even gaslit if they take this route (this is especially true if their jealousy is actually trying to tell them something important. See the next section for more on that.) But if you’re in the place where you know rationally that things are actually safe and okay, and you’re just waiting for your heart (and nervous system) to catch up to your head, this trick works surprisingly well.

Put simply, sometimes I deal with jealousy in polyamory by simply choosing to act in the way a not-jealous person would act in that moment.

Ask the Jealousy What It’s Telling Me

Jealousy is a complex emotion, and often a composite one. This means it is made up of numerous other different emotions. However, I have learned that when I feel jealous, there’s usually a fear at the root of it. This means that one of the best jealousy management strategies, in polyamory or any relationship, is to identify that fear and face it head-on.

Am I afraid my partner likes this other person more than me? If they did, what would that mean for our relationship? Do I see any actual evidence that that’s what is happening? Or perhaps I am afraid that this person is “better” than me in some way (smarter, prettier, kinkier, whatever.) Again, what would it mean if this was true? Even if it was, I’m not in competition with my metamour… so what’s awesome and loveable about me?

Occasionally, your jealousy will have something productive to tell you. It might indicate, for example, that you don’t feel like you’re getting enough of your partner’s attention or that you’d like more one-to-one special time with them. By taking a step back from the immediacy of the emotion, I can assess whether or not my jealousy is telling me anything useful. If it is, I can address that issue by communicating with my partner, finding other ways to meet the need, or remove myself from the upsetting situation. If it’s not, it makes it easier to put the bad feeling to bed.

Talk About It (Sometimes)

The polyamory community preaches “communication, communication, communication” around all kinds of issues, including jealousy. This is good advice in so far as it goes. However, something immensely valuable I’ve learned over the years is that not every single fleeting emotion needs to be communicated about.

Sometimes, in service of feeling like I had to communicate every feeling no matter how small, I’ve ended up having an hour long conversation with my partner over a tiny emotion that lasted no more than a minute. Nowadays that feels like an enormous waste of everyone’s time and energy. If I feel jealous for ten seconds or ten minutes or even an hour or two, I’m unlikely to communicate it to my partner unless I’ve determined that the feeling is trying to tell me something important (see above section.)

However, if the jealousy lasts longer, is more intense or pressing, or is communicating something important, then talking to the partner(s) in question about it is the next step. This doesn’t always need to happen immediately, and often shouldn’t. I’m not going to pull my partner away from a nice date to discuss it, for example. It also doesn’t necessarily need to be a long discussion. Sometimes just a disclosure, a request for reassurance, and a hug is all that’s needed.

When communicating jealousy, it is best to speak as calmly as possible, approach the subject without blame, be vulnerable, and ask clearly for the support you need.

Many times, I’ve used sentences like “I just wanted to let you know that I felt a little jealous when I saw you kissing X yesterday. Obviously you didn’t do anything wrong but I’d love it if you could reassure me that your feelings for me haven’t changed.”

Self Care as Jealousy Management in Polyamory

After many years of doing polyamory, I’ve gained a pretty good handle on what helps me in the moment when I’m experiencing jealousy. Fortunately, many of the things that help are things I’m able to give to myself without anyone else’s input.

I tend to save particularly loving or affectionate messages from my partners so that if I’m feeling low and they’re not around to offer reassurance, I can give it to myself by rereading some of the things they’ve said about me. Getting some love from elsewhere, such as by calling a friend or another partner, can also help to soothe the part of my brain that’s telling me I’m not loveable or not good enough.

Other things that can help include something that takes me out of my head and grounds me in my body, (masturbation is particularly helpful for me but sometimes exercise and yoga also work), warmth and cosiness (a bath, snuggling under a blanket, cuddling my cat), distraction (reading a book, watching TV, playing a game, doing a task), doing something creative, or just taking a goddamn nap.

Release the Feelings

I very rarely feel intense jealousy these days. In the past, though, I’ve felt it powerfully enough for it to be overwhelming. In these instances, some kind of physical and/or emotional release can help to let the feelings out and, ultimately, lessen them or at least make them feel more manageable.

Of course, it’s important to choose a safe outlet or target. Yelling at your partner is not an acceptable emotional release for your jealousy! Some strategies I’ve either tried or heard others recommend include screaming into a pillow, venting to a consenting friend, doing some kind of intense physical pursuit such as running, dancing or weightlifting, hitting a pillow or punching bag, drawing or writing how you feel (which you can then share, keep, or tear up as you choose), laughing, playing loud music and singing along… whatever helps you to feel more relaxed, less tense, and to let out some of what you’re feeling is a great option.

You might find afterwards that you no longer have the difficult feelings any more… or that if you do, you feel more centered and ready to deal with them in a productive way.

So you want to find a unicorn? Header image for a post about throuple relationships, why unicorn hunting is bad, and why couples looking for a unicorn isn't likely to go well

So You Want to Find a Unicorn?

Published on by Amy

Spend ten seconds on any polyamory forum or Facebook group, and this issue will come up. “We’re a couple, she’s bi and he’s straight, and we’re looking for a unicorn to join our relationship!” (The hapless couple might also refer to the unicorn they’re looking for as “a third” or, even worse, “a female.”) The community, particularly people who have been doing this for a long time, have little patience for this phenomenon. Commenters may be fairly harsh towards the couple in question. And I get it! I too roll my eyes every time I see yet another iteration of this. But why is unicorn hunting bad?

Yelling at and berating unicorn hunters doesn’t help to educate them. It just turns them off and, often, causes them to double down. So I thought I’d address this issue in depth here. What is this “unicorn hunting” thing all about, why is it problematic, and what options do you have instead?

What is Unicorn Hunting, Anyway?

A “unicorn”, in polyamory[1], is a woman[2] who is willing to join a pre-existing couple to form a triad[3] relationship. It is usually understood that the relationship will be closed (i.e. no additional partners outside the triad) and that the unicorn will be expected to conform to an array of rules that the couple determined ahead of time with no input from her.

The reason this phenomenon is called “unicorn hunting” is that it’s typically so hard to find this person that she might as well be a mythological creature.

___

[1] In swinging, the term is sometimes used more broadly to refer to single women who are willing to play sexually with couples. That’s not what we’re talking about here.

[2] There is some debate in the community over whether there is any such thing as a male unicorn. Some believe there is, others believe that couples looking for unicorns is a strictly gendered phenomenon. I have seen a male unicorn be referred to as a “Pegasus” or a “Dragon”, but these terms don’t seem to have caught on very widely. In this post, I will sometimes use “she/her” pronouns to refer to unicorns as that is by far the most common iteration of this trope. However, the advice here and the bad things about unicorn hunting apply no matter the genders of the couple or the incoming partner.

[3] Three-person romantic relationship, also sometimes called a “throuple.”

Before We Talk About Why Unicorn Hunting Is Bad, Let’s Establish Who I’m Not Talking About

This post is not about everyone in a three-person relationship or triad.

Did you have two partners, who then met and also happened to fall for each other? Or maybe you were one of two partners to a hinge person, then you also fell for your metamour. Perhaps you and your partner made a friend or started a casual sexual relationship with a lovely someone, and romantic feelings developed between all three of you. Or possibly you’re just theoretically open to the idea of a triad if the right person/people come along.

If any of these situations, or something like them, match yours then I am not talking to you. Your situation (or hypothetical situation) is what I’d call an organically formed triad. There’s nothing whatsoever wrong with those!

If, however, you’re a couple who has recently (or not so recently) opened up your relationship and decided that looking for a unicorn—a bisexual woman to form a closed triad with you both—is what you want, I’m talking to you. I’m going to be as kind as I can. But I’m also going to say some things you might not want to hear. I gently challenge you to make it to the end of this breakdown of the bad things about unicorn hunting with an open mind. Then consider whether you think I make any good points.

The purpose of this post is to educate and encourage you to think more critically about this dynamic. It is not to berate you, scold you, or push you away from the polyamorous community.

Why Do You Want This Specific Dynamic?

I have often asked couples trying to find a unicorn why they are looking for this set-up in particular. I have rarely received satisfactory answers. So before you go any further, if you’re a couple looking for a unicorn, please ask yourselves this question and really interrogate it. Why can’t you date separately, if polyamory is what you want? Why don’t you try swinging instead if casual sexual experiences together are your priority? What is it specifically about a closed, three-way relationship with a bisexual woman that appeals to you so much?

“It’s just what we want!” isn’t an answer, by the way.

Let’s address some of the common answers I see to this question, and my responses to them.

  • “My wife is bisexual and wants to try being with a woman.” Okay, this desire can be addressed either by swinging/casual sex or by her dating women separately.
  • “My husband says other women only, no men.” This is called a One Penis Policy (OPP). It has so many issues that I’m going to write another entire post about it. In the meantime, read this.
  • “If my partner is dating someone else separately, what am I getting out of it!?”. I mean… seeing your partner happy? Supporting their joy, pleasure, and exploration? The opportunity to also date people separately yourself? Viewing non-monogamy simply through the lens of “what’s in it for me?” is unlikely to lead to happiness. It can lead to seeing your partner’s other relationships as commodities for your consumption.
  • “I’d be too jealous if my partner were dating someone separately/my partner would be too jealous if I dated separately.” Oh my sweet summer child. Virtually every polyamory newbie ever has made this mistake, including me back in the day! Dating together is not a cure for jealousy, which can (and likely will) absolutely crop up in a triad or other group relationship. Also, jealousy is a normal human emotion to be felt, processed, communicated about, dealt with, or just sat with until it passes. It’s not the enemy.
  • “I don’t feel safe dating without my partner/my partner doesn’t feel safe dating without me.” You may need to do some work on regaining independence, which is absolutely possible from within a relationship. It is healthy to be able to do some things separately! There are also healthy ways to keep yourself physically, emotionally, and sexually safe while dating, but doing everything together at all times isn’t one of them.

Whatever your reasons for unicorn hunting, you are likely to find that there are better and healthier ways of addressing those needs and desires.

What’s So Bad About Unicorn Hunting Anyway?

“That’s all well and good, Amy,” hopeful couples might be saying right now, “but we’re determined to keep looking for our unicorn and we’re willing to wait if necessary! What’s wrong with what we want? Isn’t this community supposed to be open minded!?”

I hear you. It’s not nice to be told that what you’re looking for is a problem. However, the reason experienced polyamorous people are wary of unicorn hunting is that we’re all too aware of all the ways it can go wrong. Many of us have learned from very bitter personal experience, on one side or the other of this equation.

So let’s look at a few specific things that are problematic about unicorn hunting.

Unicorn Hunting is Bad Because It Dehumanises Bi Women

Bisexual women are already aggressively and often non-consensually sexualised by society. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve mentioned being bi and someone has either said “that’s hot!” or asked if I’ll have a threesome with them and their partner.

Unicorn hunting reduces bi women to a highly sexualised monolith. The reality is that we fall all over the sexuality spectrum. Some of us are very sexual, some of us are demisexual, some of us are asexual. Some of us are into threesomes, group sex, and group dating, while others are not. And yes, plenty of us are actually monogamous!

What bisexual women are not, though, is sex toys designed to spice up the bedrooms of bored couples. The idealisation of the MFF closed triad directly stems from the male gaze, the hyper-sexualisation of bi women, and the trope that sapphic love and sex exists for male consumption.

I’m a pretty sexual person. I love sex, and I love folks of multiple genders. I also love group sex, threesomes, moresomes, and all that goodness when they’re in the context of a trusted dynamic with people I like. What I DON’T love is the assumption that I am available to couples in general, or the feeling that my being bisexual and having a vagina are the only reasons someone is approaching me. I’m a person, not your “two hot bi babes” fantasy.

A Person Cannot “Join” an Existing Relationship

A triad isn’t a single relationship. A triad is actually four relationships: three dyads (A+B, A+C, B+C) and the relationship between all three people. Seven relationships, if you count the relationship each person has with themself. (Which you probably should, because self-care and a stable relationship with yourself are even more important in non-monogamy.)

So an additional person cannot meaningfully “join” an existing relationship. If you’re in a relationship or married, you and your partner/spouse have a dyadic relationship that you’ve been building for however many years. That relationship will continue, though it will undoubtedly be changed, when you date other people either together or separately.

In the context of a triad, you will each be creating a new dyadic relationship with your new partner. You’ll also be contending with shifts and changes in your dyadic relationship with one another. And, of course, you’ll be creating a brand new relationship between all three of you. See how that’s much harder than just fitting someone into a vaguely person-shaped box labelled “insert bi gal here”?

Viewing the incoming partner as an “addition” to your relationship will not lead anywhere good for any of you. Treating them as an add-on can leave incoming partners feeling like little more than accessories or human sex toys. Which leads me on to…

You Can’t Expect Someone to Feel Exactly the Same Way About Two People

All the successful triad relationships I know have a few things in common, and this is one of them: they allowed, and continue to allow, the individual relationships within the triad to develop, fluctuate, change, and grow at their own natural pace. People don’t fall in love with two people at the same rate, in the same way, at the same time. Human emotions simply don’t work like that. To be in a triad, you have to be comfortable with the fact that each dyadic relationship within it will look different.

Another question I see a lot in polyamorous forums is a variation of this: “Help! We formed a triad but now it seems like our girlfriend is connecting with my wife more than me!”

In an ethical, organically formed triad, this difference in connection needs to be okay. You might have challenging feelings about it, of course. That’s normal. You may need to seek reassurance and extra affection from one or both of your partners. You may even need to renegotiate some aspects of your relationship. In a unicorn situation, this disparity in levels of connection – which is incredibly normal – can be enough to get the newer partner ejected from the relationship.

In addition, an ethical triad allows for the possibility that one (or more) of the dyadic relationships may have conflict, deescalate, or even end… without any expectations that other dyadic connections need to end as a result. If you have a rule that says your partner must date you in order to date your spouse, this leaves them a spectacularly shitty choice if they just don’t feel that way about you or if your relationship is no longer working: fake a connection to you that they do not feel, or lose their relationship with your spouse, i.e. someone they love.

Do you see how unfair that is? Do you also see how it lays the groundwork for coercion, abuse, or even sexual violence? I don’t know about you, but I would be horrified if I realised someone was having sex with me that they didn’t want, just because they thought it was the price of admission to get access to my partner.

Unicorn Hunting Is Bad Because It Centres the Couple

Unicorn hunting typically centres the original couple, even without intending to, by putting their desires and needs front and centre. Often, they’ve made the rules before a third party has even entered the picture, giving her no say in their creation. This means that the unicorn is seen as an add-on to the couple’s relationship, rather than an equal partner.

The couple often expect – even tacitly – the new partner to prioritise their needs and wants above her own. They also tend to expect that, in the event of conflict, their relationship will be the one prioritised. This is often the case even when the couple pays lip service to their new partner being “totally equal.”

The result? Once again, the newer partner ends up feeling like an accessory rather than a human being.

Think about some of the ways you’d like your relationship to look if you did successfully find a unicorn, or the rules you’d want her to follow. Will you permit her to have dates, sex, and so on with one of you without the other present? If not, will you also be refraining from any one-to-one intimacy with each other? (The answer to this is often “no” and “no”. That is, by definition, not an equal set-up.) If things go swimmingly, will you want your unicorn to move into your home? Would you ever consider moving into hers, or buying a new place all together? Will you introduce her to your family and friends, bring her home for the holidays, or tell your work colleagues about her?

When you start checking your assumptions about how your dream triad relationship will go, you might find that there’s a lot of inequality baked in. That’s because unicorn hunting is almost always couple-centric. Relationships that spring from unicorn hunting involve three people, but tend to only benefit two of them.

Most Polyamorous People Don’t Want Closed Relationships

There are exceptions, of course. Polyfidelity is a thing and can be valid! But the vast majority of polyamorous people are polyamorous, at least in part, because it enables them to be open to new connections of all kinds that may come into their lives.

If you’re seeking a closed relationship with your hypothetical unicorn, I invite you to consider why that is. Most answers will fall into one of two categories.

“I/we would be too jealous if our girlfriend was with anyone else.” Again, jealousy is a real feeling and it can be overwhelming. However, if you want to be non-monogamous, you can’t simply avoid it by setting up rules and restrictions for your partners. At least not if you want happy and healthy relationships.

If you’re not ready to confront and handle jealousy when it arises, you’re not ready to be non-monogamous. It won’t always be easy. Sometimes it’ll utterly suck. But it is necessary if you want to live this life. It is spectacularly unfair to ask a polyamorous person to cut off their chances to enjoy other connections just because you are trying to avoid a difficult feeling.

“I am/we are worried about STIs.” I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t worry about sexual health. If you’re non-monogamous, it’s absolutely something with which you need to concern yourself. However, having a closed relationship is not the only way to protect your sexual health. Everyone in your polycule and wider sexual/romantic network should be getting regular STI tests. You should all be communicating openly about barrier usage or lack thereof and incorporating risk-aware practices.

Often, when I hear “we want a closed relationship because we don’t want STIs”, what’s at the root of it is actually just good old-fashioned slut-shaming. Did you know that consensually non-monogamous people actually have lower STI rates than supposedly-monogamous people who cheat (which is a huge percentage)? They are also more likely to use barriers and to practice regular testing. (Source: Dr Justin Lehmiller in The Journal of Sexual Medicine.)

Ultimately, you have to be okay with some risk of contracting an STI if you are going to be non-monogamous… or if you’re going to have sex at all. No prevention mechanism is bombproof. People lie, people cheat, and people make mistakes in the heat of the moment. You can mitigate the risk but you cannot entirely eliminate it.

If you want a closed relationship, stay monogamous or date other people for whom polyfidelity is their ideal choice. Don’t try to push people who would prefer an open dynamic into a closed one. Polyamory isn’t just monogamy with an additional person.

It’s Just Statistically Unlikely

Back in the days of Livejournal, Emanix wrote this article outlining some of the numbers involved in unicorn hunting. Not being a numbers person, I have no idea how mathematically sound this is, but the message is clear. Unicorn hunting is damn hard, with seeking couples outnumbering interested bi women by 100 to 1[4]. There’s a reason couples sometimes pop up complaining that they’ve been looking for a year, five years, ten years, and still haven’t found their “one.”

Remember: we call these people unicorns because it is so hard to find one that they might as well not exist!

[4] I pulled this number out of the air. I have no idea what the actual figures are. But suffice to say that if you’re a couple looking for a unicorn, the odds are hugely stacked against you.

You’re Probably Not the Exception

“We’re not like that!” you might be saying. “We’ll be different! We’ll treat our unicorn like a queen!”

I hate to break it to you, but you’re probably not the exception. This is because the inequalities, objectification, and mistreatment that make unicorn hunting so problematic are baked into the very structure.

The assumptions, beliefs, and practices that underpin a couple looking for a unicorn come from a place that causes harm. The only way to unicorn hunt ethically is not to do it.

So What Can You Do Instead?

If you’ve got this far and you’re still with me, great! So you want to be non-monogamous and you want to be ethical about it. Amazing! So what now?

Luckily, there are loads of ways you can enjoy consensual non-monogamy as a couple without looking for a unicorn. Here are just a few for you to consider.

If your priority is enjoying sexual variety and you want to do this together, try swinging. This enables you to enjoy different bodies, different kinks, and fun experiences together with other people who want the same. Many swingers do form friendships with their playmates, and sometimes these connections can turn romantic. Be clear about what you want and can offer upfront, look for others whose desires match, and you’ll minimise the chances of hurting someone.

If you want to build more romantic connections with other people, try dating separately. It might be more emotionally challenging, but it’s also tremendously rewarding. You’ll have far more luck finding dates, particularly with experienced and skilled polyamorous people. When you free yourselves and your prospective partners from restrictive expectations, you’ll allow things to flourish naturally. You’ll also most likely treat other people, each other, and yourselves better.

It’s also important to make sure you’re not using “dating separately” as a way of looking for a unicorn without seeming to be looking for one. Presenting yourself as available for solo dating, only to spring your partner on your unsuspecting date with a view to getting them together too, is not ethical.

Like the idea of both these relationship styles? Yes, you can be both polyamorous and a swinger! Plenty of people do both, or a mix of the two. There’s not even always a strict delineation. Polyam people can have casual sex, and swingers can have deep and romantic attachments. Non-monogamy is a spectrum and a world of options to choose from. It’s not a set of rigid boxes into which you have to cram yourselves.

There’s even the possibility that you can have a triad relationship without falling prey to these pitfalls and hurting someone. Plenty of people do. “No unicorn hunting” isn’t the same thing as “no triads.” But it won’t happen for you by going out with a laundry list of criteria and looking for a bi woman to be your unicorn as a couple. If it happens, it’ll happen organically while you are out there doing your non-monogamous thing.

And if not? There are numerous other wonderful, fulfilling, and healthy ways to enjoy this thing we call non-monogamy.

Header for post on myths about chastity devices and chastity kink

5 Myths About Chastity Devices and Chastity Kink

Published on by Amy

A quick note on terminology: this post refers primarily to chastity kink and chastity devices for a person with a penis (often called “male chastity”, though obviously not everyone with a penis is a man!) Chastity play for people with vulvas is, unfortunately, much more challenging and less practical.

What do you think of when you hear the word “chastity?” Do you think about medieval women forced to wear metal belts to protect their virginity? (Which probably never happened, by the way.) Do you think about religious doctrine urging you not to have sex until marriage? Or perhaps you think about your favourite kink.

What is Chastity Kink?

In the BDSM and kink world, chastity play refers to having your genitals locked away in a device, preventing pleasure, masturbation, and orgasm. There are no reliable statistics that I could find about how prevalent this kink is, but anecdotal data (and the prevelance of porn and erotica centered on it) implies it’s very, very common indeed.

And as with any popular kink, there are a number of myths about chastity devices and chastity play. Let’s debunk some of them now!

Myth: Chastity Kink Cages Are All the Same

Many new players make the mistaken assumption that one chastity cage is much the same as another. This can result in them purchasing inexpertly made and cheap devices, which may be poorly constructed or even unsafe. It’s always best to buy a device designed and made by chastity kink experts, such as those at Total Chastity.

Even once you’ve found a reputable chastity device retailer, all devices are not the same. They come in different sizes (to accommodate different penis sizes and sensation preferences), different materials (such as plastic, metal, or silicone), different colours, and different levels of security.

There are lots of factors to consider when choosing a chastity device. You’ll need to know your measurements and comfort needs, as well as having an idea of the kind of aesthetic that appeals to you. Take your time and don’t be afraid to shop around.

Myth: Chastity Cages Are Painful

Wearing a chastity device can be uncomfortable at times. For many participants, that’s part of the appeal of a chastity kink! However, your device should not hurt, and if it does that’s a problem.

If your chastity device is painful, you should stop wearing it immediately. Pain is your body’s signal that something is wrong, and ignoring it can cause serious harm. A painful chastity device may be caused by issues such as pinching the skin, compressing a nerve, or restricting blood flow, all of which can be dangerous if not dealt with.

You might experience pain if you are wearing a small chastity cage, have your device on too tight, have put it on incorrectly, or have chosen a material that doesn’t work for your body. Adjusting your device, or trying a different device, may be the answer.

Even if you’re practicing long term chastity, it’s important to let your penis out of its cage at least once in a while. You should also get to know what’s normal for your genitals and check regularly for any changes. If you have any health or safety concerns, speak to your doctor.

Myth: Permanent Chastity Needs to Be the Goal

Many people assume that the eventual goal of chastity play is to accomplish longer and longer periods locked up, perhaps leading to permanent chastity in which the device wearer is locked up 24/7/365. However, this isn’t realistic or even desirable for many people.

If you want to play with chastity long term, have at it! It’s important to learn about the health and safety implications to make sure you are engaging with this kink in a risk-aware fashion. I love this article, in which Dan Savage speaks to a certified urologist about the risks associated with long term chastity play and how to mitigate them.

But if you only want to do chastity play occasionally, or only for short periods of time, that’s equally valid. It’s not a competition and the only opinions that matter are yours and your partner’s. There’s nothing inherently better about staying locked up for half a year as opposed to half an hour. It’s all about what works for you!

Myth: Chastity Kink is About Humiliation

Chastity is often associated with kinks such as sissification and forced feminisation, which tend to be humiliation based. This leads to the misconception that chastity play always has to be linked to humiliation.

Chastity play can be about humiliation, but it doesn’t have to be. It can also be lots of other things. You might choose to wear a chastity device as a symbol of devotion to your Dominant, as a way to test your self-control, or because you enjoy how much stronger your eventual orgasm is when you are denied first. Your attraction to this kink might revolve around submission, physical discomfort, a mental challenge, an increased libido, greater attentiveness to your partner’s sexual needs… or something else entirely!

The beautiful thing about sex and kink is that it’s a choose-your-own adventure situation. You can play with the bits that work for you, and leave the bits that don’t. If chastity appeals to you but humiliation doesn’t, then you get to play with this kink in exactly the way that turns you (and your partner) on.

Myth: You Need a Partner to Play With Chastity Kink

Perhaps you fantasise about a partner locking you in chastity, but you’re single or your partner isn’t into it. If you think this means you can’t enjoy your fetish, think again!

There are lots of ways to explore chastity play without a partner. You can lock yourself up, challenging yourself to last a certain amount of time (or just stopping when it stops being fun.) Places like Chastity Forums and r/Chastity on Reddit offer places where you can chat, share experiences, and connect with other people who share your kink.

You can watch chastity-based porn (don’t forget to seek out ethical content!) Another option is to seek out a professional Dominant (ProDom/me)—many professionals specialise in chastity play and keyholding. You can find ProDom/mes who work both online and in person, so you can choose what works for you.

In short, you don’t need a partner to explore chastity and you can have plenty of fun by yourself or by engaging with others through online chat, erotic content, or professional services.

FYI: today’s post was sponsored by Total Chastity, purveyors of quality chastity devices, toys, and accessories. I’d like to thank them for their kind support of the site – check out their collections through the links included! All writing and views are, as always, my own.

Header image for female-led relationship 101

What is a Female-Led Relationship? FLR 101

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Inequality in heterosexual relationships, from the persistent gender pay gap and unequal division of household labour to the orgasm gap, is remarkably persistent under patriarchy. Most of us would agree that eliminating inequality and creating more equal and balanced relationships is a good thing. But for some people, a consensual and negotiated imbalance of power is actually what they want in their relationships. This type of dynamic is often called a Dominant/submissive, or D/s, relationship. Today we’re taking a close look at one such type of BDSM dynamic: female-led relationships, or FLR. 

FLR 101: What is a Female-Led Relationship?

In general, the term female-lead relationship (FLR) is used to refer to a heterosexual (or hetero-read, because some people in FLRs may be bisexual, pansexual, or queer) BDSM relationship in which the woman is in charge. 

The level of control in an FLR can vary significantly, depending on what the people involved want. It might be as simple as the woman taking charge of the majority of day-to-day decision-making within the relationship, or as complex as intricate systems of rules with consequences, rewards, and punishments built in. The term FLR is usually applied when the D/s aspect of the relationship extends beyond the bedroom, though this isn’t an absolute rule.  

Some people view FLR as simply “role reversal,” but it’s not that simple. A female-led relationship isn’t about reversing gender inequality. It’s not about placing a man into the subservient, second class role that women have historically been forced to occupy. Instead, it is about consensual and negotiated inequality that exists for the enjoyment and fulfilment of both parties.

The cornerstone of FLR and any other form of D/s is consent. Either partner must be able to withdraw that consent at any time. 

Gender inequality under patriarchy is rooted in misogyny and male supremacy. FLR is not rooted in hatred of men or female supremacy, but in mutually satisfying and negotiated relationships between people who care for one another.

Why Does FLR Strike a Chord with So Many?

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” So goes the likely-apocryphal quote often attributed to Oscar Wilde. 

D/s relationships of all kinds may strike a chord with people because power and sexuality are so inextricably linked. This can mean that playing with power and power imbalances in a consensual context can be incredibly sexy. 

There are numerous other reasons why someone might enjoy an FLR BDSM dynamic, and the only way to know what is true for any individual is to ask them. For some men who submit to their female partners, it’s about having a break from the responsibilities they have in their day to day lives (many men who are submissive at home have high-flying, high-pressure jobs.) 

Some men also find that taking on a submissive role frees them from the expectations and constraints of toxic masculinity. Submitting allows them to be vulnerable, to stop fearing appearing “weak,” and to be taken care of by a trusted partner.

For dominant women, some enjoy the feeling of power and strength that comes from taking on a dominant role. It can be highly erotically charged to have someone do exactly as you tell them, in or out of the bedroom. 

Many dominant women also find that their submissive partners are more attentive to their needs, increasing their sexual and romantic satisfaction in the relationship. Being dominant can also involve taking care of your partner, and some women enjoy bringing a nurturing side to their BDSM through FLR. 

The more interesting question is always “why does FLR strike a chord with you?” If you can answer this question, you’ll have the best chance of building the relationship that works for you and your partner. 

Female-Led Relationships and Chastity: What’s the Connection? 

Many, though not all, female-led relationships include an element of chastity play. Chastity refers to restricting someone’s ability to experience sexual pleasure or reach orgasm. It often involves the use of a chastity cage or chastity device, which physically prevents the wearer from masturbating, having sex, and sometimes even getting an erection. Chastity can also be practiced without a device, relying on psychological power and an “honour system.”

People in FLRs practice chastity in many different ways. Some do it occasionally as a form of foreplay, increasing desire and ramping up the tension before sex or a play session. Others lock their partners up long term, anything from days to weeks or months at a time. Chastity play may also include periods of tease and denial or edging—bringing someone close to orgasm without letting them go over the edge. 

Chastity play can be hot for so many reasons. Most obviously, not allowing release for a period of time increases arousal. This allows desire to build and build with nowhere to go. It can also make the eventual orgasm so much more intense. Handing someone else control of your sexual pleasure is, for some people, the ultimate act of submission. 

Don’t forget to play safe if you’re doing chastity, particularly long-term chastity. Dan Savage spoke to a certified urologist in this article, who offered some thoughts on the potential risks and some of the ways to mitigate them. 

You must assess your own level of acceptable risk. Either way, it’s probably smart to take off your device and give your cock a break once in a while. You should also ensure that the wearer always has a spare key in case of emergencies. You can also read more about chastity safety and hygiene here. 

What Makes a Successful FLR BDSM Dynamic?

Ultimately, FLR and other BDSM dynamics are still relationships. This means that all the ingredients that go into making any relationship work still apply here. Trust, communication, and compassion must be front and centre at all times. 

Taking on a dominant role in a relationship is a position of great responsibility. This means that you need a lot of trust, and that this trust must go both ways. The submissive man needs to know that his partner will respect his limits, honour his vulnerabilities, and act in his best interests. And the dominant woman needs to trust that her partner will be honest about his needs and boundaries, speak up if something is wrong, and treat her as a full human being and not a fetish fulfillment machine. 

Even if you are living in an FLR or any BDSM dynamic full-time, it is vital to be able to step out of role and communicate with one another as equals when required. I always recommend setting aside time for a regular check-in in any D/s relationship. This gives you time to address any issues and ensures that problems won’t be left to fester. You can also agree on a specific safeword which means “I need to talk to you as equals right now.” 

Compassion means treating each other with kindness, consideration, and empathy. Even in a D/s relationship, life is still life and you will both have good days and bad days. While FLR can be a central component of your relationship, it should never override seeing one another as partners first and foremost. 

How Can I Find a Partner for an FLR BDSM Dynamic? 

Glance at any BDSM forum or discussion space, and you’ll find complaints that submissive men enormously outnumber dominant women. I don’t know whether this is actually true, as there aren’t any reliable statistics on this as far as I know. 

What I do know is that there are likely far more kinky people out there than you think, and that there are things you can do to improve your chances of finding the Domme of your dreams as a single submissive man. All of these guidelines also apply if you’re a dominant woman seeking a submissive, too. 

First, get involved in your local BDSM community. This is the best way to meet other people who might be interested in this kind of lifestyle. Complete your Fetlife profile, attend some munches and play events, and get to know people. The trick here is to treat everyone as a potential friend, not a potential partner. You’ll build a positive reputation, start getting invited to more events and parties, and the rest will follow. 

Next, be yourself. There’s no point putting on an act that represents what you think a dominant or submissive is “supposed” to be. You want to end up in a relationship with someone who loves you for who you really are.

Remember: A Female-Led Relationship is Still a Relationship

Approach any potential FLR or other BDSM dynamic as a relationship first. Compatible kinks and desires are important, but they’re not enough to sustain a relationship by themselves. You’ll also need to enjoy each other’s company, respect each other, have fun together, and have compatible long-term goals. 

Finally, be patient. It can take a while to find the right person, but when you do, the rewards can be tremendous. 

I’d like to thank today’s sponsor, LockTheCock, for their kind support of this post. Check out their wide range of chastity cages and accessories on their website! All views and writing are, as always, my own. 

Header for post about the best vibrators and sex tech for long-distance couples and remote play

What are the Best Vibrators for Long Distance Play?

Published on by Amy

I’m not in a serious long distance relationship at the time of writing (though I do have a lovely long distance play partner.) But until a few months ago, I had a partner who lived in a different city. We saw each other about once a month, and kept in touch using various methods in between. We texted, sexted, had virtual dates, and occasionally played with sex tech like remote control long-distance vibrators.

Who Uses Long Distance Vibrators and Why?

Sales of high tech, remote-capable sex toys designed for long distance relationships boomed in the first months of the Covid-19 pandemic. Whether you’re temporarily separated by travel restrictions, one of you is travelling for work, or you currently (or permanently) live apart, you can enjoy sex from anywhere in the world with the right remote sex toy.

This is just one of the use-cases for the large, and growing, market for sex toys that can be controlled over long distances. If you enjoy the thrill of wearing a sex toy out and about and handing control to your partner, a long-distance vibrator can also be a good investment. They tend to be much more reliable than the ones with short-range handheld remotes.

Remote sex toys are now available in just about every iteration you can think of, from the common wearable toys to strokers, rabbits, clitoral suction toys, and more. There are even app-controlled chastity devices, believe it or not!

Another popular use-case for long-distance vibrators is for those who do online camming. Say you’ve set up your custom Chaturbate profile and built a loyal following, what’s next? Many performers find that using a remote vibe, and allowing fans to take control of it in exchange for tips, is a fun way to boost their earnings. Lovense toys are specifically designed with this functionality in mind.

But what are the best vibrators for long distance couples, cam models, and anyone else who needs a toy with remote control capability? Turns out that’s not a simple question to answer. Here are a few things you might want to consider to help you choose the best long-distance sex toy for YOU.

What’s Your Budget?

App-controlled and long distance sex toys are becoming more accessible, price-wise, as more and more companies are making them. You might say that sex tech has gone mainstream! Even so, there are products available at a wide range of price points. Lower priced products in this category tend to start at around the $80 mark, but you can easily spend hundreds of dollars for high-end products from some brands.

Before you start shopping, decide on your budget. You might need to compromise on some features, depending on how much you want to spend. Which brings us to…

Which Features Matter Most to You in Long Distance Vibrators?

You should also consider which features you want your toys to have and what matters the most to you. For some people, the most important feature will be the toy’s level of power. Though there are exceptions, many people who use sex toys tend to prefer strong, rumbly vibrations over weaker, buzzier ones.

App reliability is another big factor to consider. You don’t want the connection to keep dropping in the middle of your hot virtual sex date! And if you’re into the idea of semi-public play (or live with family/roommates), the volume of the toy might also be important to you.

When it comes to power, volume, and app connectivity, the best thing you can do is read honest reviews like the ones you’ll find here and on other sex blogs. Good sex toy bloggers test things robustly and call it as we see it when we give our verdict on a product.

Some app-controlled sex toys are more feature-rich than others. At the most basic level, app control will allow your partner to switch the toy on and off and scroll through a pre-set range of speeds and patterns. More advanced products have all kinds of fancy bonus features. For example, some toys allow you to draw your own vibration patterns, sync the vibrations to music, or even use your wearable toy as an alarm.

The Lovense Connect app
App: Lovense Connect

If you’re non-monogamous or do (for example) camming or phone sex, the option to give control to different people at the touch of a button might be important to you. Some toys only let you add one partner to their apps at a time. This means that you have to delete and re-add every time you’re playing with a different person.

The Most Powerful App-Controlled Toys

Two of the biggest players in app-controlled vibrators and other long distance sex toys right now are Lovense and We-Vibe. These products are popular for a reason – they are, in the main, high quality, reliable, and powerful vibes. But they are far from the only options on the market. Other options include Lovehoney’s Desire range as well as products from brands like Kiiroo, Svakom, and Lelo. I strongly suspect that over the next few years, most of the major sex toy brands will start bringing out app-controlled toys, if they haven’t already.

From a personal perspective, I have found We-Vibe’s products to be the most consistently powerful app-controlled toys I’ve tried. Lovense products are also generally pretty powerful. Interestingly, however, I found their most iconic and popular product (the Lush) rather lacklustre in the power department.

Consider Privacy When Using Long Distance Vibrators

I am far from a digital privacy expert. I do know that some people with far more knowledge than me have expressed legitimate concerns over the privacy aspect of long distance sex tech apps. Ultimately, you must do your own research and decide your level of acceptable risk. If you’re concerned, read the privacy policy of the company you’re considering buying from. You can also check out reviews from sex tech experts to see what they have to say about the privacy aspect.

Long Distance Sex Tech: A Few Specific Recommendations

As you can see, it’s not easy to give a blanket answer to the question “what are the best vibrators for long-distance sex?” Ultimately, what’s best for you will depend on your personal preferences and the various factors I’ve discussed in this piece.

But from a personal perspective, here are a few of the app-controlled sex toys that I like the most:

  • Lovense Ferri, a fabulously powerful-yet-discreet knicker vibe.
  • Lovense Domi, a genuinely brilliant wand. You don’t see app-controlled wand vibrators very often, which makes this one even more appealing.
  • We-Vibe Nova 2, an app-controlled rabbit vibe with a fantastic clit-friendly design.
  • We-Vibe Chorus and Chorus Pro, vibrators designed for clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex but also ideal for hands free long-distance play.

This post was sponsored by Designurbate, a tool that allows you to customize your Chaturbate profile and stand out from the crowd. All writing and views are, as always, my own.

Header image for a post on how to vet a Dom

How to Vet a Dom Before You Play

Published on by Amy2 Comments

I meet a lot of new and curious submissives through this blog and events in my local kink community. The question they ask me most often? How to find a Dom. But finding someone is just the first step. It’s also essential to understand how to vet a Dom before you play with them or begin any kind of kinky relationship. Vetting is a process of getting to know someone and establishing that they are who they say they are and that they’re safe to date or do BDSM play with.

How to Vet a Dom: 5 Ways

The kink community is not a utopia. It consists of people. Some of those people will be wonderful, others will be awful, and most will be somewhere between those two extremes. Submitting to someone, sexually or in a kink scene, is vulnerable and requires a lot of trust. That’s why vetting is essential; it allows you to understand who someone really is before you get too invested in a romantic, sexual, or BDSM relationship.

Always Meet in a Public Place First When You’re Vetting a Potential BDSM Partner

If you’re meeting someone in person for the first time (say, if you’ve met them online) then always have your first meeting in a public place like a bar, restaurant, or coffee shop. Even if you’ve met at an event such as a BDSM munch or rope bondage workshop, having a date in a public place the first time you meet one-to-one is a good idea.

This lets you get to know them as a person in a safe and low-pressure environment. It also ensures you can leave relatively easily and have other people around if things go sideways.

If a prospective Dom balks at meeting in public, that’s a glaring red flag in a kinky relationship. It can indicate anything from not wanting to be seen in public because they’re cheating on a spouse to wanting to get you alone so they can cause you harm.

Ask for References to Help You Vet a Dom

If your prospective Dominant has been in the kink community for a while, others will know them and probably have an opinion on them. Try asking some regulars in your local scene to see what they can tell you about this person. If in doubt, the organiser of a munch they attend regularly is a good place to start.

When vetting, it’s best to get a range of opinions if you can. One person’s view can be clouded either positively or negatively, but patterns of data are far more useful. Of course, if you hear anything really damning (such as that the person has a history of behaving abusively), pay very close attention to that.

Kinksters are used to people vetting potential Doms (and submissives) and generally support it. Your local community leaders won’t think it’s weird if you say “hey, I’m thinking of playing with X and I wondered if you have any insight on what they’re like as a person or a player?”

Pay Attention to Small Signs

When you’re trying to vet a Dom, one of the best things you can do is simply pay attention. If you look closely, you can learn a lot about a person from the ways they interact with you, other people, and the world around them. Remember that a BDSM relationship is still a relationship first and foremost.

For example, do they generally speak to others at the munch with respect and courtesy, or do they assume that all submissives are fair game to be degraded and spoken down to? If you go out for coffee or a meal, how do they treat the waitstaff? Do they have hobbies, interests, and friends that they can talk about? Do they seek consent as a matter of course (for example, by asking before touching or hugging you for the first time?)

Here’s a useful BDSM vetting trick a friend taught me: set a small boundary early on. This can be anything from “I’m not comfortable with pet names” to “I have to leave by six to get to work.” Do they respect and honour it? How a Dominant responds to a clearly stated boundary tells you an enormous amount about them and how they’ll treat you if you continue in a relationship.

Introduce a Prospective Dom to Your Friends and Ask Them to Help You Vet Them

Friends can sometimes spot things that we’re oblivious to when we have a crush on someone (or are deep in sub frenzy). If you’re not sure how to vet a Dom or if your perceptions are accurate, introduce them some of your trusted friends when you can. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends for their honest opinions. And then listen to them!

I’ve had friends introduce me to their new partner or prospective partner and immediately had a feeling of “urgh, no, there’s something off about this person”, even if I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what the problem was. I call this sense The Vibes and it’s accurate a shocking percentage of the time. Other times, I’ve thought how happy and relaxed my friend seems around their new sweetie.

Play At An Event First

So you’ve vetted your potential Dom, they seem okay and you’re wanting to get kinky. My recommendation at this stage? Play at an event first. Not everyone likes events or has access to them due to finances or geography. But if this is an option for you, it can be safer to wplay with a new Dom for the first time at a kink party.

Reputable kinky play events usually have staff, such as organisers and Dungeon Monitors (DMs), who will keep an eye on what’s happening and step in if necessary. For example, many events have “house safewords” but in practice, a DM will pay attention to anything that sounds like a withdrawal of consent. Playing at a party means that, even if you’re in a vulnerable position such as being restrained, you’ll have someone looking out for you.

Remember: People Can Still Fool You

Unfortunately, some people are good at seeming affable and safe while being anything but. You might learn how to vet a Dom and do everything you reasonably can, but still end up hurt. Regardless of what vetting precautions you did or didn’t take, if another person chooses to harm you the fault is theirs. You are not to blame.

Vetting is ultimately one tool that helps to keep us safe in BDSM. It’s far from perfect, and it works best alongside other tools such as robust negotiation, mutual community care, and scene safeguarding. Even so, it’s one of the most powerful ways you have at your disposal to reduce your risk.

Header image for a guest post about being a submissive with ADHD by Redridingbrat

[Guest Post] Being a Submissive with ADHD by Redridingbrat

Published on by Amy1 Comment

While I don’t have an actual diagnosis of ADHD, I’ve long know that it’s something I probably have. Whenever I see any ADHD content, from medical information to memes, I find myself going “yep, it me”. It impacts virtually every aspect of my life. So I wasn’t altogether surprised when I also found this piece from my friend Redridingbrat (she/her) about ADHD and its impact on BDSM and kink deeply relatable.

I feel very strongly that kink is for all consenting adults who want to engage in it. Many of the images we see online and in the media are reductive, exclusionary, and harmful. That’s why it’s so important to me to represent a diversity of experiences on this blog. To that end, I’m thrilled to host RRB’s thoughts on ADHD in a BDSM relationship.

As always, you can help me to pay more lovely guest writers by chipping in via the tip jar.

Amy x

ADHD and Kink: Being a Submissive with ADHD by Redridingbrat

What comes to mind when you think of the perfect submissive?

Perhaps it is someone who is entirely focused on their Dominant? Someone who finds it easy to follow the rules and pre-emptively do whatever their Dominant might desire?

How does this approach to kink change when you have ADHD?

ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is a medical condition that affects the way a person thinks and acts. This often presents as someone being inattentive, hyperactive, and impulsive—three things that can often clash with the pop culture view of submission. As a submissive with ADHD, I have had to work with my Dominant to make sure that my submission and BDSM relationship isn’t adversely affected by my ADHD.

ADHD, Kink and Forgetfulness

One of the ways inattention in ADHD can affect a D/s or kink dynamic is forgetfulness. Forgetting rules, forgetting tasks, forgetting where things have been placed… not something that is in the picture-perfect view of a sub! Thankfully, this is something this can be easily accommodated. Having the rules written up and displayed somewhere is a straightforward alternative to relying on the memory. Having things placed in see-through or open containers lets you quickly see where they are. A long-term solution is to have your Dominant help you create habits, so you do not need to remember a thing.

Another annoying symptom of ADHD is being prone to distraction. Sitting in a corner with no stimulation is my personal idea of hell. It isn’t just me who can suffer as a result of this, though; losing interest in an activity halfway through a scene can very quickly make a Dominant feel like they failed at a scene, and make the submissive then feel guilty for not being able to concentrate. This does not have an easy fix but there are things that help.

Doing shorter activities can do wonders, as this gives less chances for the brain to wander off. Sensory deprivation can also help as it can force the submissive to focus on their other senses. The biggest things that can help are open communication and being self-aware. By letting your Dominant know when you are having a bad day focusing, you can reassure each other that neither is at fault when focus issues arise.

Hyperfocus, Kink and ADHD

On the opposite end of the spectrum, another symptom of ADHD is hyperfocus; getting so consumed by a task that everything else is ignored. When a task is interrupted by something else, it can be extremely hard to bring yourself out of the task and into the new thing, regardless of how urgent it may be. In extreme cases, this can lead to ignoring the need to drink or use the toilet for hours on end.

One thing my Dominant has found to help with managing this aspect of my ADHD in our kink relationship is simply asking “when will this be done?”. This helps me to verbalise what “done” looks like as well as giving me a cue to start bringing myself out of the task. Having a set routine and structure also helps with this as it ensures that my body becomes accustomed to performing certain activities at certain time, with an external check (my Dominant) making sure it is adhered to.

Managing Motivation as a Submissive with ADHD

Another symptom of ADHD that is often overlooked is internal motivation. I can often sit in “standby mode”, endlessly scrolling social media whilst given tasks go unfulfilled. Part of this is that a larger task can be overwhelming if not broken down into smaller steps. This overwhelm can make it physically uncomfortable to get started. Something that can really help prevent situations like this is breaking a large task down into multiple smaller parts, while also being clear about what signifies completion of each part.

One example of this ADHD hack in a kink context: “make yourself presentable for me” can be broken down into “take a shower, style your hair into a high ponytail, put on a full face of makeup with red lipstick, and wear the red underwear. I want these tasks to be complete by 5pm.” Rewards-based dynamics are also excellent for those who require the internal motivation to be turned external. Extra orgasms for doing a large task? Yes please!

ADHD and BDSM: The Positives

I have spoken at length about the challenges of having ADHD in a BDSM relationship. But it does come with a number of positives too. Those of us with ADHD often excel when in “crisis mode”, meaning we can be very good if something goes wrong in a kink scene. ADHD folks are also creative in our problem solving, making us the perfect people to do puzzle-based tasks or mend broken toys. And ADHD people can also be more adventurous, making us the ideal partner for trying new activities in the bedroom.

ADHD can make submission hard. It breaks many of the pre-conceived notions of what a “good submissive” looks like. Someone who is forgetful, distractable, and hard to self-motivate is not the “ideal” that is written about in popular BDSM literature. However, there are things that can help overcome the barriers that ADHD puts up in a kink dynamic.

The main thing to remember is that D/s is not one size fits all. You can customise and change how your relationship looks. You are not a failure if it does not look like the glamorised novels. Anyone can be a submissive. All you need to do is identify as one and find someone who adores you and your style.

Redridingbrat is a switchy brat who loves nothing more than to engage her submissive side. Her main experiences involve rope, D/s and discussions surrounding disability within the kink community.

Header for a post on how to find a Dom or sub

How to Find a Dom or Sub: Five Places to Meet People

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Spend five minutes on Fetlife or r/BDSM or any other online kink space, and this question will inevitably crop up. “How do I find a Dom?” “How do I find a sub?” “Where do kinky people meet each other, anyway!?” So I thought it was past time for me to share a few ideas on how to find a Dom or sub to share kinky adventures with.

Looking for your kinky soulmate or just someone to have some fun times with? Perhaps you’ve tried all those “FIND KINKY GIRLS TONIGHT!” sites advertised at the top of Google and had no luck. Fortunately, we’re long past the days of posting a coded ad in the back of a newspaper.

Wherever you are on your journey, here are five great ways to meet kinky people that you may not have thought of.

How to Find a Dom or Sub: Five Places to Meet People

1. How to Find a Dom or Sub on Fetlife

Fetlife, known affectionately as the Facebook of kink, is not exclusively a dating site. It’s a social networking site for kinky people. But I know many people who have met partners on there, and it is a fantastic hub of online kinky socialising.

Don’t just spam your personal ad or start cold messaging people, though. Take the time to create an engaging profile, participate in some group discussions, and contribute constructively to the platform.

Before you message someone, read their profile carefully. Do they clearly state they’re not looking? Move on. Remember that kinky people are people first, so approach them respectfully. Do not assume a dynamic where none exists, and do not get sexually explicit until consent has been established. Mentioning a shared interest is good. Immediately asking someone to spank you or be your Mistress is… not.

2. Meeting Potential Partners at Munches

A munch is a social event for kinky people, usually held in a vanilla location such as a bar, pub, restaurant, coffee shop, or park. There are munches in most major cities and many smaller towns, too.

In the Covid times, many munch organisers took their events online, and some online munches are still running. These can be great if you live in a rural area or don’t have access to transport. But I really recommend getting out there in the real world if you can. Munches can be a great way to make friends and maybe eventually find a Dom or sub.

Don’t go to a munch with the intention of picking someone up on your first visit. Instead, chat to everyone and aim to built social connections. If you hit it off with someone you fancy, great! If not, you’ll have started developing a network of kinky contacts and getting your face known in the community. You never know who could introduce you to the Dominant or submissive of your dreams (or at least the next person you’ll have fun tying up).

3. Can You Find a Dom or Sub on Mainstream Dating Sites?

Yes, kinky people use Tinder and OKCupid, too!

If you’re using regular dating sites, consider putting something about your kink proclivities in your profile. (But don’t be gross about it. Even something as simple as “Dominant looking to connect with subs or switches” or “I’m looking for the D to my s” is good!)

Again, always read someone’s profile in full before messaging, and always be polite and respectful. As you browse, you might be surprised how many kinksters are on these sites for precisely the same reasons you are.

4. Underrated Place for Kinky Connections: r/BDSMpersonals

Reddit can be so many things, from a toxic cesspit to an absolute goldmine of useful information and interesting people. I’ve heard mixed things about the r/BDSMpersonals subreddit, but people do claim to have met both short-term and long-term partners on there. If you’re looking to find a Dom or sub, it’s worth a try.

You can create a post sharing your location, gender, age, kink role, and a bit about what you’re looking for. A recent glance indicates that posts by women tend to get far more engagement than posts by men, but it’s worth a shot whatever your gender.

Remember that, as with any online meeting, be cautious and exercise good judgement. Never give out personally identifiable information until you’ve met in person and got to know each other, and always meet in a well-lit public place at least the first couple of times.

If you want to find a Dom or sub, you don’t need to limit yourself to platforms and locations that are built around dating. You know those stereotypes about kinksters and geeks, or kinksters and LARPers, or kinksters and Renaissance Faire enthusiasts? They’re all kinda true. (See also goths, polyamorous people, and so on.)

Obviously not everyone you meet in these spaces will be kinky, and you should never assume. But the crossover is large.

While I do not advocate for getting into a hobby or subculture just to meet a potential partner, if any of them appeal to you for their own sake, they might have the pleasant side-effect of allowing you to meet fellow kinky people in a vanilla or vanilla-ish space.

How to Find a Sub or Dom: A Word of Caution

Naturally, these are only suggestions and I can’t guarantee any of them will work for you. Sometimes, meeting people can be a strange mix of circumstances and right place/right time happenstance, so keep your eyes open and treat everyone you meet in the community as a potential friend.

Finally, please be aware of the dreaded frenzy. If you’re starting to feel like you just need to play with someone – anyone – then you might be in sub-frenzy or Dom-frenzy. If so, then this is a good time to pause and reevaluate before diving into anything.

Happy kinky dating!

This post uses affiliate links.

Header for post on how to set boundaries in relationships

How to Set Boundaries Firmly But Lovingly

Published on by Amy1 Comment

The older and more experienced I get, the more I learn that all healthy and loving relationships—romantic, platonic, familial, and even professional—must have good boundaries. But what are boundaries, why are boundaries important, what does setting and holding boundaries in a loving way look like?

This post focuses on romantic and sexual relationships, since that’s my main area of expertise and the theme of this blog. However, many of these tips for setting boundaries can apply to any type of relationship.

What Are Boundaries?

Love is Respect (a fantastic resource on healthy relationships aimed at young people) has this to say:

Boundaries are really about your relationship with yourself; they help you honor your needs, goals, feelings and values. Boundaries can be emotional, physical or even digital.

Love is Respect

In other words, boundaries are about the things that are yours and over which you have ultimate say. Access to your body, your time, your home, your property, emotional or physical intimacy with you, and even your digital spaces are all areas where boundaries are essential.

Boundaries are not weapons, rules under another name, or things you should wield to punish someone else. They are ultimately about what you will you and how you will respond to certain situations. “I won’t stay in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful” is a boundary. “I don’t trust you, so you have to let me go through your phone whenever I want” is not.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

Good boundaries are a crucial component of taking care of yourself. Without strong boundaries, you are likely to end up feeling used, burned out, or taken advantage of. This can happen even if no-one has any ill intent towards you. Boundaries are one tool we can use to protect ourselves. They help you to keep a strong sense of self, drawing a clear line in the sand between what you will and won’t tolerate, what you will and won’t do, and where you end and someone else begins.

Good boundaries enable true consent to exist. A person can only give a meaningful yes (to sex, a date, a new project or responsibility, or even just a conversation) if they also have the ability to safely say no. Good boundaries allow us to say yes when we mean it, and no when we need to.

What Do I Mean By Loving Boundaries?

When I talk about “loving boundaries,” I am talking about setting and holding boundaries in a way that enables strong, healthy, and loving relationships to flourish.

If you’ve historically been bad at setting and maintaining boundaries, it can be difficult to know where to start. You might worry that people will be upset, angry, or disappointed when you start to set boundaries with them. You might even be right! But that just makes those boundaries even more important. And in a healthy, loving relationship, your boundaries are gifts to your loved ones. They are a guiding light in how to love you and how to help you love yourself.

There are times, unfortunately, when setting loving boundaries won’t work. If someone is determined to violate your boundaries, you might need to be firmer or impose harsher consequences for overstepping them, such as ending a relationship or telling them to leave your space.

Here are a few of the strategies I’ve found most effective in setting and holding loving boundaries. Hopefully some of them will work for you, too.

Use “I” Statements When Setting Loving Boundaries

Boundaries are about you, so use “I” statements when you set them as far as possible. This can help prevent the other person from getting defensive or pushing back against what you’re saying. It also reduces the likelihood that they’ll hear your boundary as blame, a punishment, or shutting them out.

Here are a couple of examples:

“I’d love to cuddle with you but I don’t want to have sex tonight.”

“If I’m in my office with the door closed, I’m focusing on work and only want to be interrupted if it’s an emergency.”

Use a Calm Tone of Voice

Loving boundaries should be communicated calmly as far as possible. This can help to keep the boundary conversation respectful and positive. Raised voices, name calling, or an accusatory tone are all likely to make them defensive before you’ve had chance to make your point.

It might sometimes be necessary but as a general rule, the middle of an argument isn’t a great time to have a positive discussion about your boundaries and needs.

Here’s a low-stakes example: imagine you’ve had a tough day and you just want to zone out on the couch by yourself for a while, but your partner wants to chat about something non-urgent. Consider the difference between “ugh, go away!” and “honey, I need a little space to myself right now, can I check in with you in half an hour?” One is brusque, harsh, and likely to make your partner feel unwanted or scolded. The other calmly tells them what you need and when they can expect you to re-engage.

Assume the Other Person is On Your Side and Wants to Support You in Setting and Holding Boundaries

Unless you have very clear evidence to the contrary, assume that the other person is on your side and cares about you. This means that they wouldn’t want you to overextend yourself or say yes when you really mean no. Part of loving you is supporting you in setting and holding boundaries.

Assuming you’re on the same side will help you approach boundaries as a necessary self-care step for yourself, and not as something you’re doing to the other person. It can also be self-fulfilling; if you signal to the person that you expect them to be understanding and respectful, they’re more likely to want to live up to that expectation by responding appropriately.

Consider When to Compromise (and When Not To)

Compromise is essential in healthy relationships. This means you might not get 100% of what you want in every situation. If your needs conflict with your partner’s, it can be useful to have a frank conversation and try to come to a compromise.

However, you should never compromise on a firm boundary. If you’re someone who (like me) tends towards people-pleasing, what the other person thinks is loving compromise can look like you conceding your boundaries to keep the peace. Don’t do that.

Directness is Kindness: Loving Boundaries Are Not Ambiguous

One of the biggest headfucks in a relationship can be not knowing where you stand or what the other person needs. By making someone guess at your needs or hiding your true feelings, you’re not doing them any favours. People who care about you would rather know what’s going on with you. Setting and holding firm boundaries is more loving than being vague.

Being direct gives the other person the gift of knowing you better and having clear information about what you need. Clarity, specificity, and directness are essential when it comes to boundaries.

Model Respect for Others’ Boundaries

In a healthy relationship, both (/all) people have their boundaries lovingly heard and respected. So as well as setting and holding your own boundaries, you need to listen to and adhere to theirs.

You Get to Have Boundaries Even If Someone Else Doesn’t Like Them

You might do everything right when you set your boundaries, and the other person might still be upset. While you can sympathise and work with them to get both your needs met, their feelings about your boundaries are ultimately not your job to solve.

If someone becomes very angry or upset about a reasonable boundary, it might be because they felt (consciously or subconsciously) that they were owed a certain level of access to you. This is a huge sign that the boundary was necessary! Stand firm in holding your boundaries. If they’re consistently disrespected, it might be time to rethink the relationship.

Header image for post about a Dom ignored my safeword

A Dom Ignored My Safeword. Now What?

Published on by Amy3 Comments

Please don’t be alarmed by the title of this post: having my safeword ignored isn’t something that has happened to be in many years. However, it is something I hear about from other kinksters with alarming frequency. I hate how common this scenario is, and I wanted to address it.

For anyone who doesn’t know, a safeword is an agreed-upon word that clearly and unambiguously means “stop immediately.” Safewords are employed in kink and BDSM situations, particularly those where words like “no” and “stop” not being taken at face value is part of the game or fantasy. They’re a way to withdraw consent with no risk of being misunderstood.

“Red” is a common safeword (with the accompanying “orange”/”amber” meaning pause and check in.) But your safeword can be whatever you want it to be. Fun fact: my first one was “canary.”

A safeword is an absolute. You should never play without one, no matter how long you’ve been together, and you should never, ever ignore one. Oh, and if you haven’t explicitly agreed otherwise, “no” and “stop” are the ultimate safewords in every context.

First: No, You’re Not Overreacting About Having Your Safeword Ignored

If a Dom has ignored your safeword, you might feel a range of different emotions. You might feel angry, sad, betrayed, frightened, numb, or something else entirely. When a Dom ignored my safeword in a scene years ago, I felt scared first, sad second, and angry much later. Your experience might look very different.

Whatever you feel, and whether the harm is physical or psychological or both, your feelings are valid. You are not overreacting.

Seek Support If You Need It

Do you need to talk to a kinky friend or another partner, see a therapist, or yell into the void of an anonymous online forum? You get to seek support, whatever that looks like for you.

If the consent violation occurred in a public or semi-public location such as a dungeon, sex club, munch, or even a private kink party, consider telling an organiser, team member, or dungeon monitor. They should make sure you’re okay and help get you the support you need in the moment. They may also remove the perpetrator from the space and perhaps even issue a (temporary or permanent) ban.

You might also have been physically harmed. If you have been physically injured or been sexually assaulted in a way that leaves you vulnerable to an STI or an unwanted pregnancy, please seek medical attention immediately.

You Don’t Have to Confront the Person Who Ignored Your Safeword, But You Can If You Want To

Your only job is to take care of yourself. You don’t have to confront the person who ignored your safeword and call them out on it or initiate a conversation. But if you want to, you’re also within your rights to do so.

If telling them that what they did was fucked up and not okay, have at it. On the other hand, you might like to open a dialogue about how they can make amends for the harm they caused. If you’d rather stay far away from them, you get to do that, too.

You Don’t Need to Make Any Decisions About the Future of Your Relationship Right Now

Would I ever forgive a Dom who ignored my safeword? No, I don’t think so. But your mileage may vary and there are a lot of factors that go into this decision. You might want to end or change the relationship, or you might want to explore whether repair and reconciliation is possible.

You’re not obligated to give the person a second chance, no matter how apologetic and contrite they seem. Don’t let them guilt you into it if you don’t want to.

If you feel conflicted, you don’t have to decide straight away. You get to take all the time you need.

Speaking Out Is Your Choice

Choosing whether to speak out publicly about your experience is a very personal decision. There are good arguments on both sides and ultimately, the best choice is the one that’s right for you.

Either way, remember that their reputation and standing in the kink community is not your problem. You do not have to keep silent to protect them. You also do not have to make excuses for them or downplay what happened if you do choose to share it with others.

Sadly, when someone speaks up and says “this Dom ignored my safeword”, some people will accuse them of exaggerating or instigating a witch-hunt. You’re not. Keep speaking your truth if you want to.

Having Your Safeword Ignored is Never Your Fault

You might be tempted to blame yourself. You might be wondering if you didn’t say your safeword loudly or forcefully enough[1], if you should have put up more of a physical fight when the Dom continued, or if you used your safeword when it wasn’t “necessary.”

Sometimes, the Dominant in question will seek to blame you, too. One common tactic amongst abusive Doms is to say things like “I knew you could take more”, “I know what you need better than you do”, or “I told you I played hard so you should have known what to expect.”

No. All of this is bullshit. The only person to blame for ignoring your safeword is the person who did it, and there is never any excuse. Kink is about consent and without ongoing, active consent, it is abuse. You get to safeword at any point for any reason and to have it respected.

If you take nothing else away from this piece, please take this: it is not your fault.

[1] I want to acknowledge that there might be rare incidents where a Dom genuinely does not hear a safeword. This might happen in a loud environment like a club. But in those circumstances, they will be mortified and apologetic and go out of their way to take care of you the moment they realise what has happened. It is also the Dom’s responsibility to ensure consent is ongoing in those environments, whether through clear non-verbal safe signals, regular check-ins, or even just choosing to play somewhere a little quieter.

If you find my work valuable, you can support the site by buying me a coffee to say thanks!