The Kinky Love Languages: Quality Time

This is the third in a series of five posts covering the five love languages as applied to kink and BDSM. If you don’t know your love language, take the quiz linked above to find out! Today we’re talking the love language of “quality time”, with some kinky date ideas and other ways to make the most of this love language in your D/s relationship.

What is the Quality Time Love Language?

A person whose love language is quality time is all about spending meaningful, connective time with the people they love. Sounds easy enough, right? But in long term relationships, and particularly nesting relationships, quality time often gives way to “we’re just generally around each other a lot.”

Scrolling on your phones at opposite ends of the couch without talking is not quality time.

Quality time can be particularly hard in a long distance relationship. People who work long hours, have children, are disabled or chronically ill, or have a limited income may also experience unique challenges with this love language.

Kinky Date Ideas and More for Submissives Who Love Quality Time

For many submissives, the greatest gift is their Dominant’s undivided time and attention. Focused quality time shows your submissive that they are wanted, valued, and loved.

If your submissive loves quality time, a kinky date night is always a great idea. This might mean staying in and getting your kink on in your bedroom, or it might mean taking them out to a fetish club, kinky event, or play party.

You can also kink up a regular date night. For example, you could order your submissive to wear a butt plug throughout the movie or edge three times before you take them out to dinner.

Not all your quality time together has to be active play time, of course. Even in a D/s relationship, snuggling on the couch is lovely. Non-scene connective time can show your submissive that you love them as a person and partner, not just as a kinky plaything.

Ritual, Routine and Quality Time

Rituals and routines can be comforting and connective for many people who value quality time highly, and particularly for many submissives. They provide consistency and a reliable point of connection at regular intervals where your attention is on each other.

Rituals can be simple or elaborate. They can be seemingly-mundane (“make my coffee for me the way I like it, then sit with me quietly while I drink it”) or have a play element to them. I know of one D/s couple who started each day with the Dominant choosing the submissive’s underwear for the day. Spankings before bed are another common and fun choice.

Connective routines can be as simple as watching an episode of your favourite TV show together each evening ot setting aside Friday nights to be your glass-of-wine-and-debrief-of-the-week time.

Kinky Date Ideas and More for Dominants Who Love Quality Time

If you’re a submissive, it can be tempting to think that all you need to do to make a Dominant happy is show up and get your ass beaten. This might work at first but it’s unlikely to lead to a happy long-term relationship, particularly if your Dominant’s love language is quality time.

Many people assume that date planning is the Dominant’s responsibility in a kinky relationship, but this doesn’t have to be the case. Many D-types love to be wooed and are seriously impressed when a submissive comes up with new kinky date ideas, surprises them with a spontaneous adventure, or goes above and beyond to make them feel loved.

If your Dominant likes surprises, tell them you’re taking them on an adventure. If necessary, give them some bare-bones information on what to wear or pack, then do all the planning to make something cool happen for the two of you. You can easily view making plans that will make their eyes light up as an act of service. If they’re not a fan of surprises, ask their permission to treat them to a date night/day/weekend doing any activity they want to do.

Another possibility for your Dominant is to give them the gift of you, completely available with no interruptions, for a period of time to have their kinky fun with. “I sent the kids to a babysitter, my phone is off, dinner is ready.. and I’m all yours for the whole night!” What a yummy and wonderful gift.

Quality Time in a Kinky Relationship: Tips for Everyone

Regardless of dynamic and role, quality time is key to all relationships. This is especially true if it’s one of your main love languages. Whether you’re a Dominant or a submissive, the best gift you can give to a partner with this love language is an evening, day, or weekend of your undivided attention. Time where you can relax, do fun things together, and enjoy being in each other’s company are crucial. If you don’t live together, this can include remote time.

Planning quality time is also a part of this love language. This might be coming up with kinky date ideas together, sexting about all the things you’re going to do next time you have chance to play, or looking at travel guides together to decide where you want to go on holiday. Having plans to look forward to can be an amazing boost for your relationship and can make people with the quality time love language feel loved and seen.

What NOT To Do

If your partner’s love language is quality time, being consistent and reliable is essential. Emergencies happen occasionally, of course, but being flaky or cancelling plans is just about the worst thing you can do to someone with this love language.

Make plans and stick to them.

If you’re enjoying this series, you can show your appreciation by buying me a coffee.

How to Write a Killer Swinger Dating Profile

Swinging refers, broadly speaking, to an arrangement where couples have casual sex with other couples or individuals outside of their relationship. It is a form of consensual non-monogamy, but differs from polyamory in that it doesn’t generally involve romantic connections. Whether you’re just starting out in swinging or have been checking out local clubs and swinger dating sites, creating a great profile is the first step to meeting fellow swingers online. I’ve partnered with SwingTowns to bring you these swinger dating tips for a great profile.

For the purposes of this post I will assume you’re looking for play partners as a couple. However, most of the advice works just as well for solo swingers.

The Most Important Swinger Dating Profile Tip: Be Honest

I can’t overstate the importance of honesty. You might think it’s no big deal to say you’re 37 when you’re actually 50, but lying simply shows prospective partners that you can’t be trusted. If someone lies about one thing, I wonder what else they’re lying about, from STI testing to whether or not their spouse at home is actually okay with them dating.

So don’t say you have loads of experience when you’re actually brand new to the lifestyle. Don’t lie about your age. And please (yes, I’ve really seen this) don’t pretend to be a couple if you’re actually a single person.

Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be self-deprecating. If you’re struggling to describe yourself in positive terms, ask your partner if you can writing descriptions of each other to go on your shared swinger profile.

Brand new and not sure where to start? Try something like this: “We’re just dipping a toe in right now, so please be gentle with us! We’re in our 40s and would love to meet a sexy couple of a similar age for fun, laughs, and maybe a trip to a swingers’ club.”

Write Coherently and in Full Sentences

No-one is expecting your swinger dating profile to be a literary masterpiece, but making an effort is important. Write in complete sentences, avodi text-speak, and check your profile for typos and spelling errors before you hit “submit.” Break up your sentences with punctuation and use short paragraphs to make your profile easier to read.

Pro tip: if you’re not skilled with words, ask a trusted friend to give your swinging profile a once-over.

Don’t Use Your Genitals as Your Swinger Dating Profile Picture

Swinger sites are about the only place in the online dating world where I’m going to tell you that posting pictures of your genitals is probably okay, if that’s your jam. But don’t use them as your main profile picture, please! Put them in your gallery and limit the number.

Your main profile picture could be your faces if that feels safe and comfortable for you, a clothed body shot, a tasteful nude, or a picture of something that reflects your personalities.

Say What You Can Offer, Not Just What You Want

Nothing is a greater turn-off than a dating profile from people who are clearly only thinking about what they want others to do for them. State what you’re looking for, but remember to show what you can offer too.

Sex, whether casual or committed, should be a mutual exchange for the enjoyment and benefit of everyone involved. This means viewing your partners and potential partners as full human beings, not fantasy-fulfillment machines. Yes, even in the context of swinging.

Posting a super lengthy, tightly scripted scene idea to your swinger profile is likely to scare a lot of people off. So is posting an absurdly specific description of your imaginary “third.” Instead, talk more broadly about the kinds of people you’re looking to meet and give plenty of information on what you can offer.

Try this: “We’re ideally looking to meet other couples at a similar life stage to us. With us you’ll find an educated, friendly, and kinky pair who are just as happy enjoying good wine and excellent conversation as getting down to some fun in the bedroom.”

Keep the Judgemental Comments to Yourself

You’re allowed to like what you like and be attraxted to what you’re attracted to. But shaming others for not conforming to your tastes makes you an asshole.

I’m fully aware that some people won’t be into me because I’m curvy and have body hair. I am at peace with that. Even so, it’s upsetting every time I see my body type described as “disgusting”, and this happens more than you might think. Similarly, you might not be into any kind of kink or BDSM. That’s absolutely fine, but describing other people’s consensual kinks as “freaky shit” is rude.

If someone isn’t for you, moving on to the next profile or replying to their approach with a polite “thanks, but not for us” is all that is required.

Being Responsible is Sexy: Talking About Sexual Health on Your Swinger Profile

When I’m browsing dating profiles, those who mention their sexual health testing regime or use of barriers go straight to the top of the list. Being responsible with your and your partners’ health is not only hot but incredibly necessary in any kind of non-monogamy.

Please don’t use the term “clean” to describe yourselves as being free from STIs. This language is stigmatising. STIs are not dirty, they’re just infections humans sometimes contract in the course of doing normal human things like having sex.

Try this: “we test every three months and last tested negative for everything on [date.] We use barriers for… [insert your protocols here.]”

If you do have a chronic or incurable STI, such as herpes or HIV, it’s important to be upfront about this, too. Don’t be apologetic; there’s nothing wrong with living with one of these conditions! Briefly mention it as a fact of your life and state how you manage it. Some people will be put off, but the rght people for you won’t be. I’d personally much rather have sex with someone who is HSV or even HIV-positive, knows their status, and can take the appropriate precautions than someone who hasn’t tested in a decade and insists they somehow “just know” they’re negative.

Offer Something of Yourselves Beyond the Sexual

However proud you are of your 8″ penis, world-class blow jobs, or penchant for eating pussy for hours, sex isn’t everything even in the world of swinging. Most swingers want to meet human beings they can connect with (even if the connection is brief), not walking sex machines.

So use some of your profile to talk about the things you’re into or the things that matter to you outside of sex. You don’t have to get extremely deep and personal.

Try phrases like these: “we love fine dining and would love someone to show us the best restaurants in town,” “our hobbies include board games, 80s B-movies, and salsa dancing,” or “he’s a gym-bunny and loves to run, she’s more likely to be found with her nose in a book!”

The crux of this tip is to let your sparkling personalities shine through on your swinging profile and show that you can bring more to the table than just sexual prowess.

These swinging dating profile tips were sponsored by Swingtowns, the world’s largest non-monogamous dating site. Join up now and create your swinger profile – it’s free! All opinions and writing are, as always, my own.

Swingtowns banner ad, for a sponsored post on swinger dating profiles

The Kinky Love Languages: Giving & Receiving Gifts

I started this series months ago and promptly forgot to finish it. But we’re back and today we’re talking the love language of gifts, and specifically gifts for your Dominant or submissive. Let’s go!

If you don’t know your love language yet, take the quiz to find out. The love languages model is deeply flawed and incomplete, but a useful starting point for thinking about how you like to give and receive love.

A content warning that this post discusses spending money, so if that’s difficult or stressful for you please feel free to skip this one. I have tried to be mindful of different budgets and provide a range of options.

What the “Giving and Receiving Gifts” Love Language Means (and Doesn’t)

Giving and receiving gifts is often looked down upon compared to the other four options in the basic “five love languages” framework (words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch.) Those who feel an affinity with this method of showing and receiving love tend to be viewed as materialistic, shallow, or having a tendency to throw money at a relationship in lieu of actually making an effort.

However, I believe that is unfair.

The people I’ve spoken to for whom giving and receiving gifts is a primary love language take care to point out that it’s not about the money spent or the financial value of the gift. Instead, it’s about the love and affection that goes into picking out the perfect thing for your partner.

The “gifts” in this context do not have to be big, expensive, extravagant presents. In most cases, they probably shouldn’t be. This love language is about paying attention to the things your partner loves or what they need, and giving them things that reflect that care and attention. Gifts for your Dominant or submissive can be as simple as getting their favourite brand of tea before they sleep over, bringing them a bar of chocolate after a bad day, or picking up a cute trinket you saw for £1 because it made you think of them.

So how can this one relate to kinky dynamics?

Gifts for a Submissive: How to Love a Sub with This Love Language

In my experience, very often what submissives want more than anything is to feel truly seen and known by their Dominants. Another thing that is very often important to submissives is to feel taken care of. The love language of gifts gives you, as a Dominant, tonnes of opportunity to provide for these basic and important needs.

So pay attention to what your submissive likes! Listen for cues, watch the things they lust after or buy for themselves. Take note of things like any favourite colours, foods, hobbies or artists. That way, when you’re looking for gifts for a submissive partner, for a special occasion or “just because,” you can get them something really perfect.

Is your submissive always working hard and barely taking time for themselves? You could give them a gift which says “I’m giving you permission to relax.” A nice bath bomb or the latest issue of their favourite magazine? Perhaps the heating in their apartment is wonky, so you buy them a big snuggly blanket to keep them warm on cold days. Have they been wanting to write more? A beautiful notebook might be the perfect present.

Sexy gifts such as sex toys can also be a great option, if your relationship includes sex! Why not surprise your submissive with a new vibrator, masturbator, or a dildo in their favourite colour? They’ll think of you fondly every time they use it.

Making It Meaningful to the Two of You

Finally, consider the meaning of gifts that signify your relationship and importance to each other. You’ll need to negotiate its meaning fully, and I don’t advocate springing this on someone without discussion, but for many submissives, their collar will be the most precious gift they ever receive. If that’s not right for your relationship (or they already have one,) then other gift options for a submissive might be a special piece of jewellery, a harness, some beautiful underwear, or even a kink toy that is only for the two of you to use together.

Gifts for Your Dominant: How to Love a Dom with This Love Language

A good way to think of this is to frame the idea of giving the perfect gifts to your Dominant as an act of service. Many Doms love the idea of a submissive who pays attention and can anticipate their needs. Notice what their favourite snacks are and make sure you have them in. Bring them a coffee when you meet them at the end of a long day. Stressed out Dom? Buy massage oil or a massage candle and read up on how to give a relaxing back rub.

As with any other partner, keep notes on their favourite things and use this knowledge to guide your gift-giving.

A way to take this a step further, if you’re so inclined, is to make it your mission to seek out something special for them that they haven’t been able to get. Is there a book they really want that’s out of print, a game that’s no longer made, or a limited edition version of something that would make their eyes light up? If you have the chance, making an extra effort in this way can be a profound show of both love and service.

Kinking It Up a Step Further

Kinky toys and tools are absolutely ideal gifts to give Dominants, too. Pay attention to what things they pick up and admire when you go to the fetish market together, or what things they’ve mentioned they really want to try. File this information away for later then, when you have occasion to give them a gift, you can surprise them with something that they’ll get endless joy out of using (on you, naturally.) Have you ever given a sadist a new whip as a present? I recommend it.

And kinky presents don’t have to stop at physical things. What about a ticket to a kink event you’ve been wanting to go to together, or a course of lessons in rope, whip technique, or some other skill they’ve been wanting to learn?

If you wish, you could even turn giving gifts to your Dominant into a kinky thing in and of itself. I am far from an expert in “financial Domination,” and it’s something I encourage you to be extremely careful with and set firm limits around… but if the idea of showering your Dom with gifts and treats as part of your submission, or pretending you are being “made” to do it, gets you off then this can be a fun thing to play with. The inimitable Girl on the Net wrote about one perspective on financial domination here and here.

Some More Tips That Work for Anyone

At the end of the day, most people love to receive the kinds of gifts that show thought, consideration, and a true knowledge of who they are. Regardless of whether you’re kinky or vanilla, a Dom or a sub or something else, you can show love to your partner by giving them the occasional well-considered, well-timed gift.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, consider gifts that help your partner feel connected to you. This could be as simple as sneaking a shirt that smells like you into their luggage before they leave, or as elaborate as buying them a fancy app-controlled sex toy for use during your sexting sessions.

Homemade gifts are almost always wonderful. So if you have a talent, use it! I own two paintings and several pieces of jewellery made for me by my partner The Artist, and I absolutely cherish these things. I’ve made everything from chocolate chip cookies to knitted items for loved ones, and they’ve always gone down well.

Finally, gifts don’t have to be physical items! Something I treasure immensely is when a partner gives me a gift of an experience for us to do together. This could be buying dinner at their favourite restaurant, going to see a show together, or almost anything that they’ll love doing and love doing with you. Something that’s both a physical item and an experience, such as a date night kit or couples’ chocolate set, can work particularly well for anyone who sits at the intersection of “receiving gifts” and “quality time” in their love languages.

Looking for some inspiration? Check out my list of sexy gift ideas to get inspired.

Affiliate links appear in this post.

Ten Tips for Getting the Most Out of Fetlife

Love it or hate it (and honestly, these days I mostly hate it), Fetlife is still the absolute number one place to be on the internet if you’re a kinky person who wants to interact with the BDSM and fetish community outside of your bedroom. The “Facebook of kink” can be a wonderful place to network and grow community, or it can be a complete cesspit. It’s not a dating site, but Fetlife can also be a great place to connect with potential kinky partners. Here are ten of my top tips on how to use Fetlife to its best.

Fill Out Your Profile

It’s hard to use Fetlife to build a community or make connections if your profile isn’t filled out. You don’t need to write an essay, but “I dunno, ask me” or “I hate talking about myself” do not constitute a good profile.

Tell us whatever it is about yourself you’re happy to share. If you’re stuck for ideas, try this:

  • How long have you been in the community or identified as kinky?
  • What does kink mean to you?
  • What do your relationship(s) look like, if applicable?
  • What are you looking for?
  • What are your hobbies and interests outside of kink?

Choose Your Role Carefully

There are tonnes of different role options you can choose from, and you can now list up to five on your profile at a time.

There’s the ubiquitous Dominant, Submissive, and Switch, of course. But you can also be a Kinkster, a Hedonist, a Pet, a Brat or Brat Tamer, a Daddy or Mommy, and many more. The ever-increasing list of roles gets ever more niche as well as including humorous options like “Fairy Kink Mother.”

Choose the role(s) that most apply to you, and consider saying something in your profile about what your identifiers mean to you. Remember you can always change your roles, too, so don’t be afraid to swap things around as you gain experience and change as a kinkster. This is normal.

Consider Your Location

There’s a running joke amongst long-time Fetlife users that there are more kinksters in Antarctica than people. This is because so many Fetlife users put “Antarctica” as their location to avoid revealing where they really live.

If you need to conceal your location, I’m absolutely not judging. Please do what you need to do in order to be safe!

But if you safely can, consider using at least your general area like your country, state, or nearest major city. This makes it easier to connect with people who live near to you and also means you’ll get event recommendations based on your location. (Not many dungeon parties in Antarctica, funnily enough!)

Say What You’re Looking For on Fetlife

In your profile header, you can tick all the “What I’m Looking For” options that apply to you. Options include everything from a lifetime relationship to events, friendship, and more. You can select as many as you want.

Carefully consider what you’re looking for, be honest, and elaborate in your profile if you can. If you say you’re looking for a romantic or kinky partner, it’s particularly important to indicate what sorts of people and dynamics you’re open to.

Don’t Try to Use Fetlife Solely as a Dating App

Fetlife is not primarily a dating site. It’s not a bad place to start if your eventual goal is to find a Dom, sub, or kinky partner, but using it as your personal hunting ground or as an alternative to Tinder or Feeld will piss people off really fast.

If you’re new to BDSM or just to the public kink scene, you need kinky friends before you need dates or play partners. Focus on getting out there, learning, building connections, and making friends. The rest will fall into place.

Read Profiles Before Messaging

I really cannot emphasise this enough: please read someone’s entire profile, and pay attention to it, before messaging them. Nothing is more annoying than people who clearly haven’t read my profile and slide into my inbox pushing their fantasies anyway.

Some people only want to be contacted by folks of certain genders, ages, geographical locations, or kink identities. Some are open to dating or meeting play partners on Fetlife, others are not. Respect these boundaries; you are not the exception.

Message Respectfully

So you’ve read someone’s profile. They’ve sparked your interest enough that you want to make a connection. You’ve established that messaging them won’t contravene any stated boundaries. Now what?

The first message can make or break things. Don’t open with sexual content. Yes, it’s a fetish site, but there are human beings on the other end of your message and they have better things to do than provide you with free masturbation fodder.

Don’t make demands, don’t make assumptions about roles or identities, and don’t assert a kinky dynamic where none exists. Subs, this applies to you, too! Calling someone “Mistress” or “Daddy” without consent is just as wrong as calling someone “slave” or “slut” without consent.

Do at least a cursory check of your spelling and grammar. Keep it brief. Don’t ask to meet straight away. Just be a friendly, normal, respectful person.

Join Fetlife Groups (But Read the Rules)

There are literally thousands of groups on Fetlife. Groups operate as discussion forums based around specific topics.

Many are for those interested in specific kinks or fetishes. Some are for people looking for dating opportunities on Fetlife. Others are based around a specific geographical location or a specific event. Some are for folks with a certain identity, such as queer and trans kinksters. There are even non-kinky groups where you can just discuss a topic of mutual interest. Pick a few interests, join some groups, and start engaging positively in discussions.

All groups have rules governing the kind of content that is allowed in them. Many, for example, will specify “no personal ads” (cruising for dates/play) or “no advertising” (commercial/business content or advertising your event,.) Some are also reserved for a certain demographic, such as under 35s, women, or LGBTQ folks.

Disregarding group rules is likely to get your posts deleted and may even get you kicked or banned from groups. It also wastes moderators’ time, annoys group members, and makes you look like an asshole. Read the rules and follow them. If someone corrects you for an accidental rule breach you made in good faith, apologise and don’t repeat the mistake.

The Kinky and Popular page highlights posts, photos, videos and writings which have garnered a lot of attention in a short space of time. No-one is 100% clear how the algorithm works (Fetlife isn’t exactly famed for its transparency) but that’s the gist of it.

The problem with K&P is that it tends to adhere to a very narrow version of what kink is and an even narrower version of beauty standards, particularly for women. I avoid K&P entirely now because it makes me feel shitty about myself and my body.

Kink isn’t a popularity contest and in my view, this page is the antithesis of what the community is really about.

Reach Out to Community Leaders and Prominent Figures

If you’re struggling to make connections or feeling nervous about going along to events, reach out to someone who seems like they’re a leader, event organiser, or prominent and respected person in your local community. Simply explain that you’re new, let them know what you’ve done so far to get involved with the scene (if anything), and ask if they’d be willing to be a friendly face at an upcoming munch or event.

Community leaders become community leaders because they love helping people and helping the scene to thrive. Reach out. Be polite and friendly, be respectful of their time, and be specific if you can in what you’re asking and you’re far more likely to get a good response.

The Kinky Love Languages: Words of Affirmation

This is the first in a mini-series of posts where I explore the five love languages as they can relate to kink and BDSM, and today we’re talking sweet yet kinky things to say to a Dominant or submissive whose love language is words of affirmation.

If you don’t know your main love language, take the quiz to find out. The model is imperfect, in that it assumes monogamy and offers quite a limited framework for relationships, but it’s a useful starting point for exploring how you like to give and receive love. Most of us will connect with most or all of the languages to some extent, but have one or two that stand out.

What is the Words of Affirmation Love Language?

People whose primary love language is words of affirmation like to hear that you love and value them. They like to be told explicitly, out loud, and in detail not only that you love them, but why. Of course, you will also need to back up your words with actions.

Let’s look at some of the things you can say to a kinky partner who has this love language.

Kinky Things to Say to a Submissive Who Loves Words of Affirmation

Do the words “good girl,” “good boy,” or equivalent make your submissive partner melt? Will they do anything for your praise? If so, their love language might be words of affirmation. Be generous with your words, be free with your praise, and never assume they know how I feel so I don’t need to say it. They might know how you feel, but they still want to hear it.

Tell them “I’m so proud of you” when they accomplish something. Say “you look so hot kneeling for me like that” during a scene. Compliments (on their achievements, talents, character, accomplishments, looks) should be given freely and often.

A submissive who needs words of affirmation is likely to need verbal reassurance sometimes, too. They might need to hear that you love them, that you value them, and that they’re not too much or too needy. If you’re in a non-monogamous dynamic, they’re likely to need verbal reassurance if they experience jealousy.

Writing tasks were made for submissives with this love language. Have your partner write down fantasies, reflect on your dynamic in a daily journal, or write down mantras to increase their confidence in themselves. You could even set “lines” as a punishment, if that’s a part of your relationship.

Make sure everything you say is genuine and heartfelt. A person who speaks this love language can tell when you’re parroting lines with no feeling behind them.

Kinky Things to Say to a Dominant Who Loves Words of Affirmation

People tend to forget that Dominants have emotional needs, too. Praise kinks are most often associated with submissives, but a Dom is just as likely as a sub to speak the words of affirmation love language.

A Dominant who is into words of affirmation might love to hear lots of verbal feedback during and after play. Don’t go overboard or fake it, but a well-timed “that feels so good” or “this is making me so hard/wet” is likely to go over well. After play, general words of appreciation (“I needed that so much, thank you”) or specific compliments (“the way you handle the whip is so sexy”) can make them glow.

It’s amazing how many submissives forget this: compliment your Dom! Tell her the way she looks in those boots makes you go weak at the knees. Make sure they know how much you admire their skills with rope. Tell them you love their laugh, their kindness, their devotion to their family, or their quirky sense of humour. Just pick something genuine and say it out loud.

However confident and stoic they seem, Doms can also feel insecure, jealous, sad, or lonely. Check in with your partner regularly as a fellow human being who cares about them. Remind them they’re loved, learn about their needs, and let them be vulnerable with you.

Finally, if your D-type sets you a writing task, do it promptly and to the best of your ability.

Words of Affirmation: Tips That Work For Anyone

It’s fun to say hot and kinky things to your partner, but remember to speak this language in other ways, too. Remind them of your confidence, faith, and pride in them. Build them up before an important event, celebrate their achievements, and help to lift their spirits when they’re down.

Don’t underestimate the power of written words, too. If you live apart (or even if you don’t!), a sweet “good morning” text or a message to say you’re thinking about them could make their whole day. Love letters, cute notes left around the house or slipped into their bag, and heartfelt cards on special occasions will be cherished.

Sexting was made for relationships between people who communicate their love in words. Share a fantasy, tell your partner about a sexy dream you had, or spin an elaborate scene together.

Most importantly, say “I love you.” Seriously. Say it often and say it with your entire heart. No-one who speaks the “words of affirmation” language will get tired of hearing it.

Do you want to support my work and help me to keep producing content like this? Buy me a coffee!

How Do I Clean My Silicone Sex Toys?

One of the most common questions people ask about silicone sex toys is how to clean them. Cleaning your silicone sex toys isn’t complicated, it just requires a little knowledge.

The risk of STI transmission through sex toys is lower than for other types of sex. However, it still exists and you should take precautions accordingly. Dirty toys can also cause thrush, yeast infections, and similar complaints.

For the purposes of safer sex, I always recommend using a barrier if you’re going to share a toy with a non fluid-bonded partner[1] and that toy cannot be boil sterilised or properly washed. My personal policy is barriers on shared vaginal toys unless I am fluid bonded with that partner, and condoms on shared anal toys ALWAYS. It’s a bit less risky for penis toys because the outer skin of the penis isn’t technically a mucus membrane.

A Reader Writes…

Hi Amy,

I know that you should sterilise sex toys after use, and you can do this to silicone dildos and butt plugs (for example) by boiling them in hot water. I’ve bought a pan for dildo sterilising, but do I just… heat them up like I’m boiling potatoes? How do you boil sex toys to sterilise them, plus do you have any tips for storage to keep your toys clean between uses?

How to Clean Silicone Sex Toys Without Motors

First thing’s first: you don’t need toy cleaner. It is a waste of money.

The short answer to our lovely reader’s question is yes. For 100% silicone toys without motors, such as dildos and butt plugs, just pop them in a pan of boiling water on the stove. Bring the water to a rolling boil and keep it bubbling away for 10 minutes or so. Once you’re done, dump the water out, dry your toys thoroughly, and put them away.

By the way: you can do this with non-motorised stainless steel and borosilicate glass toys.

Cleaning Vibrators and Other Motorised Silicone Toys

The boiling method is ideal for toys without motors. But what about cleaning vibrators and other motorised silicone sex toys?

First, check the instructions (and then ignore all the ones that tell you to buy toy cleaner.) If your toy is waterproof, wash it thoroughly with warm water and antibacterial soap. Remember to rinse and dry it thoroughly when you’re done.

For non-waterproof toys, I recommend wiping the surface with a body-safe sterile wipe. I buy them in bulk from a medical supplies store and a single pack lasts for months. Afterwards, wipe it off thoroughly with a clean cloth dunked in warm water.

You can also follow these methods for cleaning waterproof ABS (hard) plastic toys, which also cannot be boiled regardless of whether they have a motor or not.

Remember, if your toy has any tricky grooves or ridges or nozzles, bacteria can gather in them. Take extra care to clean these areas really thoroughly.

Keeping Toys Clean Between Uses

Once you’ve finished cleaning your silicone sex toys, how do you keep them clean between uses?

To be honest, I store my silicone toy by just throwing them all in a box or drawer when they’re clean. That thing about silicone toys melting together in storage? It’s 100% not true. Silicone doesn’t work that way! The myth is a holdover from the time when “silicone” sex toys weren’t actually 100% silicone. If you don’t believe me, check out Dangerous Lilly’s experiment to prove this myth false.

If you use this storage method, I recommend giving your toy a quick wipe down before you use it again. This will get rid of any dust or lint that may have settled on it.

Alternatively, you can also keep your toys in individual bags or pouches to keep them clean between uses. I have some of Lovehoney’s drawstring sex toy bags but you can also buy similar bags from a craft store or online. Many toys also come with their own storage bags, so make use of these if you have them.

Hope this helps!

Affiliate links appear in this post.

    What Happens When You Go for an STI Test in the UK

    Heads-up: this post specifically discusses the STI testing process at a sexual health clinic in the UK based on my experience. Increasingly, different NHS authorities do things slightly differently, so this won’t necessarily be entirely representative. The process may also differ significantly in other countries. Despite its inherent limitations, I hope the information is still useful. Needless to say, none of this is a substitute for qualified medical advice.

    This week I went to my local sexual health clinic for my quarterly screening, otherwise known as an STI (sexually transmitted infection) test. This is a routine part of my life as a non-monogamous person and something I barely think about other than remembering to schedule it. However, this wasn’t always the case. The first time I went, shortly after opening my previously-monogamous relationship at the age of 18, I was nervous because I didn’t know what to expect.

    Let’s answer some common questions about the process of visiting a sexual health clinic in the UK.

    How Often Should I Get Tested for STIs?

    It depends on your risk profile.

    People who have more partners and people who have unprotected sex (including oral sex) should test more regularly. Experts recommend everyone gets tested at least once per year. Yes, committed monogamists, that includes you! Monogamous people can contract STIs if someone cheats, but also through unknown pre-existing infections (some STIs can lie dormant for months or years), treatment failure for a past infection, and incomplete or false-negative screenings. Getting tested doesn’t imply that you don’t trust your partner, or that you are not to be trusted.

    If you have a single, long-term partner and/or always use barriers for every type of sex, an annual test is likely enough. If you have a lot of partners, practice unprotected sex, or do sex work, you’ll need to test much more regularly. As a polyamorous person, I personally test every three months.

    Whatever your relationship style, testing before every new partner is advisible. And, of course, you should get a test if you believe you may have been exposed to an STI or a sexual partner discloses an infection. Remember to observe the testing windows after a possible infection for the most accurate results.

    Where Do I Go for STI Testing in the UK?

    You have two main options for STI testing in the UK: home testing or visiting a sexual health clinic. This post focuses on clinic-based testing, but do-it-yourself tests are a convenient option if you don’t have a local clinic, can’t get there, or simply prefer to test in the privact of your own home.

    Some sexual health clinics offer walk-in times during which you can simply turn up and wait to be seen. These clinics tend to be very busy. Get there early, bring a book, and expect to be waiting for a while.

    Some clinics also have appointments slots which you can book online or on the phone the same as any other medical appointment. Again, these services are very busy and in high demand, so you may need to schedule your test well in advance. If you have symptoms, believe you may have been exposed, or a sexual partner has been diagnosed with an STI, tell the clinic and you may be seen sooner.

    Do I Have to Pay for STI Testing?

    Nope! In the UK, all sexual health services including testing and contraception are available free of charge on the NHS. Free home testing kits are also available in most areas through various

    I’m Under 16, Will the Clinic Tell My Parents?

    No.

    In the UK, as long as you’re over 13, you’re entitled to the same medical confidentiality as anyone and this includes when you visit a sexual health clinic. If your provider feels that there is a serious risk to your safety, such as suspecting that you might be experiencing sexual abuse, they may need to tell someone in order to keep you safe. However, according to NHS guidelines, “the risk would need to be serious and this would usually be discussed with you first.”

    If you’re under 18, please stop reading my blog and check out Scarleteen or Bish for accurate information about sex, sexual health, relationships and your body.

    Will I Have to Answer Questions About My Sex Life?

    Your provider will ask you questions about your sexual practices. You don’t have to answer any questions or disclose anything you don’t want to, but it’s important to be as honest and thorough as possible. This is the best way to make sure you get the tests, advice, and other care you need.

    Questions may differ slightly at each clinic, but here are some I’ve been asked or have heard about others being asked at STI testing clinics in the UK:

    • When was your most recent sexual encounter?
    • What is the sex of that partner? (They may assume the opposite binary sex unless you tell them otherwise. It’s bad practice but heteronormativity is strong.)
    • Is that partner your regular/only partner?
    • Do you use condoms or other barriers when you have sex?
    • Have you ever injected drugs or knowingly had sex with someone who injects drugs?
    • Do you have reason to believe you might have come into contact with HIV?
    • Have you been raped or sexually assaulted? (If you indicate yes, they’ll ask if you need any support or resources.)
    • Have you ever paid for, or been paid for, sex?
    • Have you had sex with someone born outside of the UK?
    • When was your last sexual health screening?
    • Are you pregnant or do you think you might be pregnant?

    How is an STI Test Performed?

    If you have a vulva, a swab will be taken from inside your vagina and you’ll need to provide a urine sample. If you have a penis, you’ll need to provide a urine sample. Some clinics also do swabs from just inside the urethra. If you have anal sex, you’ll need to do a rectal swab, and if you have oral sex you’ll need to do a throat swab.

    Unfortunately, anal and oral swabs are not always offered as a matter of course. You may need to prompt your provider for these or advocate for yourself to get them. I strongly advise you do so, as infections can grow in these areas of the body without being present in the genitals.

    Most STI testing clinics in the UK allow you to take the swabs yourself in private by going into the bathroom or stepping behind a curtain in the consulting room. If you don’t feel confident or comfortable doing this, your provider may be able to do it for you.

    They’ll also take a blood sample to check for blood-borne STIs such as HIV, Syphilis and Hepatitis.

    There’s usually no need for a physical examination unless you have symptoms or specific concerns.

    Does STI Testing Hurt?

    Not really. The swabs aren’t exactly comfortable but they also shouldn’t be painful. Some people with penises find urethral swabs (if performed) slightly painful, but most say it is manageable and over quickly.

    Most people don’t find blood tests painful beyond a quick, sharp scratch, but some people can have a more intense physical reaction to them than others. Tell your provider if you’re needle-phobic or tend to feel sick or lightheaded when you get blood drawn.

    Will the Staff Judge Me?

    No.

    Your provider’s job is to help ensure your health and safety, not to judge you. People don’t generally go into sexual medicine if they are going to judge others for being sexual.

    At the time of updating this post, I’ve been getting STI tests regularly for over 16 years and have very rarely encountered anythng I could even remotely describe as judgemental. Even on the incredibly rare occasions I felt judged, it was more of the “excessive misplaced concern due to ignorance” variety than the moral variety.

    How and When Will I Get My Results?

    This varies between clinics and your provider will tell you what to expect.

    Increasingly, many UK STI testing clinics operate a “no news is good news” policy, meaning that if you don’t hear from them within a set period of time then you can assume everything is fine. They may give you a card with a phone number or online portal to check your results if you want to be sure.

    I always recommend you do check, as it is possible (but rare) for a clinic to lose your samples. This happened to one of my partners once.

    Some clinics may text or email you (usually something simple like “your tests are all negative”) or, less commonly, ring you to let you know you’re in the clear.

    What If I Test Positive?

    If you test positive for an STI, a typical UK sexual health testing clinic will phone you to let you know and advise you on your treatment options.

    For many of the most common STIs, such as gonorrhea and chlamydia, treatment is a simple course of medication. Some STIs cannot be cured, but can be managed. If you have HIV, for example, you’ll need to take medication for the rest of your life, but that life can still be completely normal and fulfilling.

    STIs are not a source of shame. They’re not a death sentence and they don’t signal the end of your sex life. Contracting an STI is no more shameful than contracting the common cold, a sickness bug, or the flu. They’re things that humans sometimes contract in the course of doing normal human activities like having sex. If you do have an infection, it’s much better to know about it so that you can get the most effective treatment quickly.

    Bear in mind that HSV (herpes) and HPV (human papillomavirus) are extremely common—a majority of adults carry one or both and may never even know it—and are not picked up on most standard screenings unless you have symptoms such as warts. HPV can also be picked up on cervical screenings, so make sure you’re attending these if you have a cervix.

    What Other Services Can I Get at an STI Clinic?

    Sexual health clinics in the UK offer a range of services along with STI testing and treatment. Each clinic is slightly different but the services commonly available can include:

    • Contraception including long-acting reversible contraceptives (such as IUDs and implants), advice and referrals for vasectomies and sterilisation, and emergency contraception.
    • Free sexual health supplies such as condoms, dams, and lube.
    • Pregnancy testing.
    • Advice, guidance and support if you’re seeking an abortion.
    • Pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) and post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) to help prevent HIV.
    • Ongoing care, support and monitoring for people who have HIV.
    • Vaccinations to protect against various sexually transmitted infections such as HPV and hepatitis.
    • Cervical smears.
    • Support with sexual difficulties such as erectile issues, vaginismus, and pain during sex.
    • Referrals for specialist services such as psychosexual therapy.
    • Help, support and guidance after sexual assault.
    • General advice on reducing your risk profile and having safer sex.

    When did you last go for an STI test? If it’s been a while, go and book your next test now.

    Affiliate links appear in this post.

    Five Meaningful Things To Do for World AIDS Day

    Since 1988, December 1st has been designated as World AIDS Day. As a queer person, the issue of HIV and AIDS is close to my heart. I wanted to talk about it today and share some meaningful World AIDS Day activities you can do to make a difference.

    Why We Still Need to Care About HIV and AIDS

    The AIDS epidemic reached its height in the 1980s and early 1990s. However, AIDS has not gone away and remains a significant global health issue.

    AIDS has claimed over 44 million lives since the epidemic began. Amazing advances in treatment mean that HIV (the virus that, if untreated, leads to AIDS) is no longer an automatic death sentence. However, the disease still kills over 600,000 people every year. The majority of these deaths happen in the global south and particularly sub-Saharan Africa.

    Other groups disproportionately impacted by HIV and AIDS include gay and bisexual+ men, sex workers, people who inject drugs, transgender people, and incarcerated people. Globally, women and girls account for around 45% of new infections.

    Check out this fact sheet to learn more about the ongoing scale of the HIV/AIDS epidemic.

    What is World AIDS Day?

    World AIDS Day was the first-ever global health day. It exists to unite people in the ongoing fight against HIV/AIDS, support people living with the virus, dismantle the stigma, and commemorate those who have lost their lives to the virus.

    HIV/AIDS is one of the most destructive pandemics in human history. It’s easy to feel helpless in the face of something this huge. But there is hope, too. UNAIDS is currently working on an incredibly ambitious strategy that aims to reduce both new HIV infections and AIDS-related deaths by 90% from 2010 figures by 2030. Amongst other goals, they also aim to have 95% of HIV-positive people know their status, 95% of those who know their status receiving antiviral treatment, and 95% of those on treatment to have an suppressed viral load.

    All of this is possible and achievable. World AIDS Day encourages all of us to get involved, in whatever way we can, in the fight to end HIV/AIDS.

    5 World AIDS Day Activities to Get Involved and Make a Difference

    1. Donate or Get Involved in Fundraising Activities

    If you have some money to spare, even a few pounds or dollars can make a big difference to the various organisations doing amazing work in the areas of HIV and AIDs.

    Donate to a charity that’s doing important work in the areas of HIV and AIDS. The National AIDS Trust is working to end HIV by 2030 while championing the rights of people living with HIV/AIDS. The Terrence Higgins Trust is another great charity that campaigns, runs HIV testing centres, and provides services connected to HIV and sexual health.

    You can also get involved in fundraising activities for World AIDS Day causes. Take on a sponsored challenge, sponsor someone else, or put a collection box in your workplace.

    2. Get a Test, Know Your Status, and Learn About PrEP

    When was your last sexual health screening? If you haven’t been tested recently, go and book one (or order a home testing kit) now. Everyone who is sexually active should be getting tested at least once per year, and more often if you have multiple partners or have unprotected sex.

    The best way to protect yourself and your partner(s) from HIV is to know your status and practice safer sex.

    While you’re getting tested, you could also ask your doctor if pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) is right for you. PrEP is a preventative medication taken by HIV-negative people that reduces your risk of contracting the virus should you be exposed to it. According to the Terrence Higgins Trust, most people who use PrEP take it every day. A minority of users prefer to take it only immediately before and after having sex.

    3. Smash the Stigma and Share Factual Information

    Sadly, HIV and AIDS are still heavily stigmatised. This stigma can have a major impact on the quality of life of those living with HIV, even if it is well-controlled. World AIDS Day is not only about ending the HIV/AIDS pandemic. It is also about protecting the rights and dignity of those already affected. One of the simplest but most impactful World AIDS Day activities you can do? Simply get informed, learn the facts, and share accurate information.

    Next time you hear someone speak negatively about people with HIV/AIDS, don’t laugh along or let it slide. Instead, speak up.

    People living with HIV are not dirty. They are not stupid. Having HIV is not a personal or moral failing. HIV cannot be transmitted through kissing, skin-to-skin contact, sharing food or drinks, water fountains, toilet seats, mosquitoes, saliva, sweat, or modern blood transfusions. It can only be transmitted through infected blood, sexual fluids, or breast milk. Read and share this handy guide.

    4. Stock Up on Sexual Health Supplies

    Unprotected sex with an infected person is one of the main ways HIV can be transmitted. Every person who practices safer sex is contributing to ending HIV, both directly (by protecting themselves and their sexual partners) and indirectly (by normalising safer sex.)

    Take a moment to check your supplies of condoms, dams, and gloves. If you’re running low on anything, stock up. If you can’t afford to buy supplies, ask your doctor or sexual health provider where you can access them for free. This is also a great time to make sure any you have are still in date.

    If you’re LGBTQ+, many queer spaces such as bars, community centres, and sexuality-focused events give out safer sex supplies as freebies.

    5. Wear Your Red World AIDS Day Ribbon

    The red ribbon is the internationally-recognised symbol of HIV/AIDS awareness and advocacy. You can buy one from the National AIDS Trust, request them for free if you’re planning to do any World AIDS Day fundraising activities, or pick one up from the many stores and public spaces that are selling them at this time of year.

    This post contains affiliate links.

    5 Great Reasons to Try Chastity Play

    The chastity fetish is incredibly common. Broadly speaking, chastity is a form of kink play that involves abstaining from orgasm, and sometimes from any form of sexual contact, for a period of time. Some people do chastity play as part of a kinky or D/s relationship. Others engage in online play such as frequenting chastity fetish forums, having cyber-sex, or watching chastity porn. Some hire sex workers to be their keyholders. It’s also possible to do chastity play solo.

    Playing with this kink might or might not include the use of a physical chastity device such as a cock cage or chastity belt. Some people play with it just for a few minutes or hours, while others do long-term and extreme chastity. The only right way to engage with chastity fetish is the way that is risk-aware and feels right for you.

    So why do people like chastity? Here are five great reasons to give it a go if you’re curious.

    Chastity Can Enhance Feelings of Submission or Dominance

    Giving someone control over your sexual release is, in some ways, the ultimate surrender. Whether you’re handing over the keys to your chastity device to a partner or simply pledging not to touch yourself until given permission, needing someone’s permission to experience pleasure and orgasm will likely enhance how submissive you feel towards that person.

    For many Dominants, having control over someone’s sexual pleasure is a tremendous power rush. Many Dominants enjoy hearing a submissive beg for release, only to deny it.

    You Might Experience a Stronger Orgasm

    Many chastity fetish enthusiasts say that, after a period of denial, the eventual orgasm is much stronger and more satisfying.

    Think of it as a bit like taking that first bite of your favourite meal when you’re starving. Wanting and looking forward to something makes it so much better than you finally get it.

    Chastity Play Keeps Your D/s Dynamic Front-of-Mind

    We all have busy lives and most of us can’t live our kinky fantasy dream life 24/7. For many chastity fetish participants, it’s a great way to keep their dynamic centred in their life even when they’re doing other things.

    Imagine going about your day and feeling your chastity device under your clothes, or even just remembering you’re not allowed to touch yourself no matter how horny you get. This can help you stay connected to your Dominant and your kinky self even when you’re not actively playing.

    Chastity Fetish is a Great Activity for Long-Distance Relationships

    For long distance BDSM couples, chastity play is one of the easier kinks to do from a distance. For example, some couples implement the rule that the submissive is always in chastity when not with the Dominant. Others like to play teasing, denial, and edging games online or on the phone while apart.

    Pleasure Can Act as a Motivator: Better Living Through Your Chastity Fetish

    Are you a Dominant trying to train your submissive and instill desirable behaviours or break problematic ones? Chastity can be a great motivator. Perhaps your submissive only gets to touch themselves if they drank their eight glasses of water today. Maybe you’ll only let them orgasm after they’ve got all their writing done. Or perhaps they get an extra day in the belt for every day they forget to eat breakfast.

    Of course, solo kinksters can also play use chastity in this way, though you’ll need to be a little more disciplined if you’re enforcing the rules on yourself. I’m a big proponent of using kink as a tool for self-improvement, and release-as-reward is one fun way to play with this.

    This post contains affiliate links.

    5 Reasons Why I Read Erotica (and You Should Too!)

    When I first started this blog, it was not cool to admit to reading erotic stories and enjoying them. Historically, erotica got a bad rap. Anything connected to sex tended to be – and occasionally still is – treated as dirty or shameful. Even now, as a pastime that is disproportionately enjoyed by women, reading so-called “spicy” books and writing erotic stories is often seen as something silly and frivolous.

    At the time of editing, it’s been 14 years since Fifty Shades of Grey made E.L James a household name, but people were still trying to convinve each other they read this inexplicably-bestselling drivel for the gripping plot well into the 2020s. This post, in its original form, was a kind of defence of erotica. Over the last few years, though, the rise of phenomena like “romantasy” and #BookTok have made erotica well and truly mainstream.

    Despite the Fifty Shades effect and still-pervasive stereotypes, not all erotica is abusive billionaires masquerading as Doms. Not all erotica is bad fanfiction. In fact, there are some truly wonderful smutty stories out there and I firmly believe that reading erotic fiction can be good for you. Masturbation is healthy, pleasure matters, and I am thrilled that erotica is having a mainstream moment. Here’s why.

    Reading Erotic Stories is a Safer Way to Explore Fantasies and Limits

    Reading about something is generally infinitely safer than doing it.

    If you have a kink, fantasy, or sexual interest you can’t or don’t want to explore in reality, reading erotic stories about it can be great way to scratch that itch. You can’t get hurt by reading about something. No-one else’s consent is required. And no, it’s not cheating.

    Reading about various kinds of sex is also a good way to discover your kinks, understand more about your internal erotic landscape, and explore in a low-pressure setting if you’re not sure whether something will work for you or not.

    And in case you’re wondering: yes, it’s fine (and normal) to get turned on by something in fiction that you wouldn’t want to actually do in real life.

    Fiction Can Introduce You to New Erotic Ideas, Archetypes, and Roles

    I was reading erotic fiction with dominance and submission themes long before I was practicing BDSM in real life. Erotica helped me to discover the types of scenarios that interested me, the names and words that turn me on… and also the things that completely leave me cold. Reading and enjoying sapphic erotica was also a huge part of coming to accept my own queerness.

    Erotica can introduce you to kinks you never knew existed, make you feel less alone in your sexual interests, or even help to open up lines of communication about kinks, fantasies and erotic ideas with your partner (more about that in a minute.)

    For women, queer folks, trans people, kinksters, and anyone else whose identity is marginalised, spicy books or erotic stories online may be the first place we ever see sexuality like ours represented.

    It Can Turn You On and Get You Off (Obviously)

    This is perhaps the most obvious reason to read erotic stories, but it’s also still surprisingly taboo to say. Enjoying sexual arousal and pleasure for its own sake is a good thing.

    For people with responsive sexual desire, erotic stimulus (such as making out or talking dirty with a partner or consuming erotic content) can not only heighten desire, but may be necessary to creating it in the first place. Whether you’re looking to turn yourself on for a lengthy solo or partnered sex session or have a quick orgasm before you go to sleep, erotica can help get you there.

    Reading or Sharing Erotic Stories Can Improve Sexual Communication

    Sharing the erotica you enjoy can be a great way to share what turns you on with your partner. Perhaps saying out loud that you want to be submissive in the bedroom feels scary, but pointing them to a story with those themes feels like an easier way into the negotiation.

    Reading erotica together, or even reading it aloud to each other, can also be an incredibly hot time.

    And, Yes, the Plots Can Be Good!

    I don’t (usually) read smut for the story. But there are definitely erotic stories and novels out there that have compelling plots, engaging characters, and other things to recommend them besides the steamy scenes.

    Where Can You Find Good Erotica?

    Spicy books are often associated with, and primarily marketed to, cis women. However, erotica is for everyone. Regardless of your gender, orientation, and particular interests or kinks, there’s bound to be something in the wide world of smutty stories that appeals to you. And if no-one has written the story you want to read? Well, why not give it a go?

    Erotica is tremendously personal and we all like different things. I’m not going to recommend personal favourites as they may not do anything for you.

    Check out the erotica or romance section at your local bookshop. Check out #Bookstagram or #Booktok for recommendations. Follow readers’ groups on Facebook or Reddit, or check out the “Spicy” category on Goodreads.

    If you want to read free erotic stories online, Literotica is probably the largest repository. Thousands of amateur writers have uploaded more than half a million stories for you to enjoy. There’s a lot of crap, of course, but some gems too. You can search by category, keyword, or tags. If you like your erotica with a side of visuals, why not check out some adult graphic novels?

    If you have a Kindle, there are thousands of erotic novels, novellas, and stories ranging from free to a few dollars each. The Kindle Unlimited subscription allows you to rent some of them for free. Prefer to listen rather than read? Check out audio erotica.

    Finally, of course, read your favourite sex bloggers, many of whom publish smutty true or fictional stories.