Category: Advice & How To

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6 Tips for Amazing Sexting

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Sexting has played a role in my sex life on and off over the years. As someone with a tendency to crush on (and sometimes date) attractive humans who live far away from me, sending and receiving sexy messages is a pretty ideal way to keep sexual connections going, and spark new ones, amidst my busy life. I like to think I’m a pretty good sexter at this point, so I thought I’d share six of my best sexting tips to help you and your partner(s) get more out of your erotic exchanges.

These tips are based on trial, error, experience, common sense, and feedback.

1. Perhaps the Best Sexting (and Sex) Tip of All: Pay Attention

Paying close, attuned attention to your partner(s) is perhaps the most critical part of any sexual encounter. When someone’s words are all you have to go on, and there are no body-language or tone or breathing cues to help you, it’s essential to tune into how they’re actually responding, not how you wish they were responding.

Are you getting a lot of positive feedback? Are they telling you it’s making them wet or hard or distracted? Have they added their own bits to the sexy narrative you’re building together?

If you’re getting one-word (or emoji), vague, or noncommittal responses, it’s probably a good time to pause and check in with your partner to make sure this is working for them. They might need a change of direction for the chat, or it might be time to take a pause or switch to non-sexual conversation for a bit.

2. Mirror Their Words Back to Them

This tip ties into the above: when you’re sexting, what terms does the other person use? How do they refer to their body, their genitals, the acts you’re discussing, or the dynamic between you? Are there particular phrases that come up again and again? Take these cues and mirror similar language back.

Many people have very strong associations with certain words, good or bad. For example, perhaps referring to a person’s genitals as their cunt makes them intensely uncomfortable, but the word “pussy” gets them going. Or vice-versa. Some people would love being called a filthy little slut, while others would find it degrading and demeaning in a negative way and would prefer you to hit them with some of their favourite praise-kink phrases. Take terminology and tone cues from your partner.

3. Keep It Simple

Sexting, despite what tips urging you to “get creative” might imply, is not a good time for flowery prose. (For real, there is no good time for flowery prose in my opinion.) Please leave out the tortured metaphors, cringey euphemisms, and comparisons to flowers or foodstuffs. Unless you want your sexts to be an entry in the Bad Sex Awards, that is.

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Explore New Territory…

Many people find sexting a relatively low-pressure and low-risk environment compared to in-person sex. This can make it the a great way to test out new kinks and fantasies that you might not be sure about.

Perhaps you’re not sure if you’d like something in reality but want to fantasise about it. Maybe something you want to explore in the fantasy realm is impossible or impractical to make into a reality, due to relationship dynamics or logistical challenges or the laws of physics. Or perhaps you’d simply like to try out a new roleplay dynamic, honorific, or kinky persona.

Don’t make a sudden left turn in the conversation without your partner’s input and consent. If you want to try something new, introduce it gently and get their buy-in before you do. Checking for consent can be a part of the scene and can be sexy in itself.

Pro tip: if you want to introduce something new mid-sexting, try a phrase like:

  • “I wonder how you’d react if I…”
  • “I kinda want to call you…”
  • “How do you feel about…?”
  • “I’ve been fantasising a lot about…”

Judge their reaction and proceed accordingly. And if they’re not into it, don’t panic. You can say “thanks for telling me where you’re at” and things can recover and carry on just fine.

6. And Perhaps the Best Sexting Tip I’ve Ever Received: Approach It As a Collaboration, Not a Performance

Again, this is arguably not just a tip for the best sexting of your life, but a tip for sex in general.

Sexting is all about building a scenario, scene, or encounter together with your partner(s). It’s not a monologue or a one-person show. Rather than starting out with an ultra-specific idea of where you want the chat to go, allow it to grow organically. Listen and respond at least as much as you type, and follow the energy wherever it leads.

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Sex Toys for Valentine’s Day Gifts: Yes or No?

Published on by Amy

Flowers and chocolates might be the most traditional tokens of love on February 14th, but have you ever thought about sex toys for Valentine’s Day gifts for your lover instead?

I love Valentine’s Day. And look, I know I probably shouldn’t. I know it’s a manufactured and over-commercialised holiday. But at the end of the day, it gives me an excuse to surprise my loved ones… and to wear a bunch of pink, girly, sparkly shit with hearts all over it. (Who am I kidding? I do that all year round.)

But if you’re looking for sexy gift ideas, should you give your partner(s) or lover(s) sex toys for Valentine’s Day?

Sex Toy Gifts: Yay or Nay?

I’m going to say yes… with caveats.

First of all, please only even think about doing this for established sexual partners[*]. Giving your sweetie a vibrator can be cute and flirtatious. Giving one to your office crush (or – and I swear to God I saw this happen once – putting one in the office Secret Santa) is creepy as fuck sexual harassment.

In the right context, I think sex toys can be fabulous gifts. And the right context for that is:

  • You’re in some kind of established sexual relationship with the person[*]
  • You have checked in and established that sexualised gifts are welcome
  • You know they either like sex toys or are interested in trying them
  • You have a good enough understanding of their needs, likes, dislikes, preferences, and fantasies to pick out something with reasonable certainty that they’ll like it

If all of those things are true? Read on.

[*] There are very occasional exceptions to this, in that some non-sexual friendships are close and intimate enough that this wouldn’t be weird. There are definitely friends in my life I’d buy sex toys for and vice versa. But if you’re not extremely certain that this is the kind of friendship you have, you probably don’t. If in doubt, err on the side of getting them something safer.

Buying Sex Toys for Valentine’s Day: How to Do It Right

So you’ve decided that you do want to buy your partner, sweetie, or lover a sex toy for Valentine’s Day. How do you know what to choose? With so many thousands of products out there, all of them promising orgasms for days, which one should you buy for your sexy someone? These are a few of my simple shopping tips.

Tap Into What You Know About Their Preferences

Does your partner enjoy penetration, and if so do they prefer large or small insertables? Are they more into girth or length? Does she need really intense clitoral stimulation to get off? Are they all about their cock, or super into anal play? Do they love dual stimulation of two or more erogenous zones at once, or prefer to focus on one thing at a time? You need to know these sorts of basic things about your lover’s body and sexual preferences before you can successfully buy them a toy.

Aesthetic preferences matter for a lot of people, too. Would your partner like a realistic dildo, or is something colourful and sparkly more their vibe? How do they feel about fantasy aesthetics? Some people love pink, others hate it.

This stuff isn’t that hard to learn when you’re in an intimate relationship with someone. You just need to be paying attention and asking the right questions.

Finally, don’t forget about the practicalities of the toy you’re thinking of buying. They probably wouldn’t thank you for a 42lb sex doll if they live in a tiny apartment or a vibrator that sounds like a plane taking off (or a lawnmower) if they have nosy roommates.

Their Preferences, Not Yours

If there’s one mistake that I see people make more than any other when choosing sex toys for Valentine’s Day or any other gifting occasion, it’s this: instead of buying something their partner will love, they buy something they like the idea of their partner using.

There’s no point buying them a super large or extra-long dildo if they’re all about clitoral stimulation. You might like the idea of anal sex, but if they’re not into it then even the best butt plugs aren’t going to see any action. Perhaps tentacles turn you on but turn them right off.

This is a gift for them, so centre them and their needs.

Ask For Advice

People who work in adult retail and the sex toy industry are generally pretty knowledgeable. Why not go into your local sex toy shop or get in touch with your favourite retailer and ask for some buying guidance?

You’ll need to put in the work here. “What toy should I buy for my husband?” or “what are the best toys for women?” is far too vague for you to get any useful information. But narrow it down a bit and say something like, “I’m looking for a non-realistic insertable toy that also has powerful vibrations”, and you’ll get somewhere useful.

Hell, if you want, contact me and tell me a little about your budget, your needs, and the person you’re shopping for and I’ll send you a free recommendation (buying me a coffee to say thanks or shopping with my affiliate links is highly appreciated but not mandatory!)

If In Doubt, Ask

You can simply ask your partner overtly, if you want. “I was thinking I’d love to buy you a new sex toy for Valentine’s Day. Would you be into that? Is there anything you’ve got your eye on?” A lot of people would happily sacrifice the surprise element in exchange for giving or receiving the ideal gift.

Of course, you might want the gift to be a surprise. If so, you’ll have to do some subtler sleuthing. Bring up the idea of toys when the two of you are talking about fantasies, desires, and new things to try. If you ever browse sex shops together or look at toys online, see what sorts of things they gravitate towards.

Still Not Sure? Get a Gift Card.

Most sex shops, both brick-and-mortar and online, sell gift cards. If you’re not sure what your partner would like, a voucher for a reputable sex shop is a great way to give them the gift of sex toys for Valentine’s Day without having to guess.

This way, they can go and pick something out solo or you can make it a fun and sexy date activity.

If you’re looking for a sexy gift you can enjoy together that’s not a toy, something like couples’ chocolate is a great option. It’s an experience and a physical present all in one.

Pro Tip: Proceed With Caution with Prepackaged “Gift Bundles”

When I wrote an earlier draft of this post, I told people looking to buy sex toys for Valentine’s Day that they should skip bundles and kits altogether. Happily, these seem to have generally improved in the last few years so I’m updating this post to say that you don’t necessarily need to avoid them. They can offer variety and value for money. However, I still say you should proceed carefully.

A sex toy kit can be a good choice if you’re new to toys and not sure what to pick, or if you happen to be after two or more things and can find them bundled together. If you and your partner are curious about or new to BDSM, a BDSM starter kit can be a fun, sexy gift to start off your explorations together.

If you’re choosing a product bundle or sex toy kit, make sure that everything in it is body-safe. Avoid toxic materials and choose only body-safe options like silicone, stainless steel, or glass. Compare prices, too, to make sure you’re actually getting a good deal.

One Final Word of Caution on Buying Sex Toys for Valentine’s Day

Please, please, please don’t buy sex toys or kink gear from places like Amazon, Shein, Temu, and so on. You have almost no way of being sure that what you’re getting is genuine, and chances are high that it isn’t. In a broadly unregulated industry, there is no way to know what that $5 vibrator is made of but it probably isn’t anything good. And many unscrupulous companies ramp up their marketing of adult products on these sites around this time of year.

Also those companies commit gross labour rights violations (including the use of forced and child labour) and are killing the planet. So, you know, there’s that.

Some reputable companies do, unfortunately, insist on operating Amazon storefronts. But in general, the risk of getting an unsafe knock-off is so high that it’s just not worth it. Instead, visit your local women-owned or queer-owned sex shop, or check out the stores I recommend in the sidebar.

Affiliate links appear in this post. All opinions are, as always, my own!

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Threesome Tips: How to Be a Good Couple to Have a Threesome With

Published on by Amy4 Comments

Threesomes are amongst the most common sexual fantasies, but threesome tips often focus on how to find a third person to play with as an established couple. I wanted to take things in a slightly different direction with this threesome guide and instead focus on how, once you’ve found that person, you can be a good couple to have a threesome with.

In other words, how can you give them a great experience, treat your special guest star well, and end the night with everyone feeling good?

The Absolute Most Important Threesome Tip Of All: No Pressure

Pressure is the ultimate desire- and pleasure-killer. It’s a really bad idea to go into a threesome (or indeed any sexual experience) with an overly rigid idea of how you want it to go. This puts undue pressure on everyone. It’s especially unfair on an incoming third party, who may well be at a power disadvantage when playing with an established couple.

Don’t rush things. Don’t invite a potential playmate over with the goal that you must have a threesome and that anything else is a failure. Spend time getting to know the person, learn about what they’re into, ask what they’re hoping to get out of the experience, and talk about what kind of ongoing dynamic you all want to have, if any.

If things do progress to a sexy place, don’t make it a rush to tick off sex acts like you’re trying to round all the “bases” as quickly as possible. Making out, touching, groping, massage, hand sex, oral sex, and kinky play can all be amazing in and of themselves. Don’t rush to penetrative sex, or even assume that penetrative sex is on the table at all.

Before You Have a Threesome, Get Your House In Order

No, I don’t mean your physical house, though tidying up before you have a date over is a nice and courteous thing to do. I’m talking about the house of your relationship.

What’s the only thing more awkward than being in the middle of a couple having a fight? Being in bed with a couple having a fight. It is tremendously unfair to bring another person into your dynamic, even casually, if your relationship is on rocky ground. My top threesome tip to couples having problems? Don’t do it. Wait until things have stabilised.

Before you take your threesome plans to reality, discuss your feelings in depth with your partner. Talk about any insecurities or jealousies that might come up, and plan for how you’ll handle it if they do. Your plan should focus on kindness and compassion towards everyone, including the third person. “Well we can just kick her out if one of us gets jealous” is neither a solid plan nor an ethical way to treat a human being.

“Relationship broken, add more people” is a cliche because so many couples try to do it… and it never, ever ends well.

Good Threesome Sex Tip: Approach It As a Collaboration, Not a Service

Too many threesome guides focus exclusively on the couple and seem to forget that there are three humans involved, not two humans and a toy. Good sex is a collaboration, a dance between equals. Everyone should be free to both give and receive pleasure The goal should always be mutual enjoyment satisfaction for all parties, not just the established couple.

Your threesome buddy may not be a fully fledged member of your ongoing relationship, but they are a fully fledged member of whatever dynamic the three of you are creating together. Even if the sex is casual, they are not a life-size sex doll! They’re a person with their own wants, needs, desires and feelings, and those deserve to be honoured.

Check in with everyone involved early and often, and make enthusiastic and ongoing consent your minimum standard. If you’re not absolutely 1000% sure you have consent for something, always ask. “Ruining the mood” is a myth. A good time will never be ruined by checking on consent, but it can easily be ruined by overstepping someone’s boundaries.

I hope it goes without saying that no means no, and you should never push someone to do something if they don’t want to.

Safer Sex Tips for Threesomes

Safer sex is essential, and you should never go into a threesome (or any sexual encounter) without thinking about and discussing it.

Ideally, this discussion should happen while clothes are still on, long before any sex happens, but it can happen in the moment if necessary (for example, if your threesome evolves spontaneously.)

Everyone should disclose their testing status, their safer-sex protocols, the method(s) of birth control they’re using if relevant, and any other relevant information such as allergies.

Safer sex is at least as much your responsibility as a couple as it is the third party’s responsibility! Everyone is responsible for looking out for their own and their intimate partners’ sexual health.

By the way: if you’re using toys in your threesome, read my guide to sex toys, STIs, and sharing toys safely.

What Do You Need? Have It On Hand

Ensure that your stash of condoms, lube, gloves, dams and any other relevant safer sex supplies is well-stocked and easily reachable. If you might want to use toys, make sure they’re close by (and charged, if applicable!)

Water, snacks, blankets, extra pillows, and towels are also useful things to have on hand.

Make An Aftercare Plan

Most threesome tips forget this part: what happens afterwards?

Will your threesome buddy stay over, or would they prefer to go home afterwards? How will they get home safely? If they do stay, would they prefer to sleep with you both or in a separate bed? What do they like to eat and drink in the morning? If they’re going home, would they like you to check in the following day?

Make sure there’s time to cuddle, debrief if necessary, and make sure everyone is okay and has everything they need after sex. Offer, and ask for, reassurance and affection freely as needed.

And that’s it! I can’t guarantee you’ll have an amazing threesome if you follow the tips in this guide, but you’ll be safe in the knowledge that you’re treating your very special guest star with the respect, compassion and consideration they deserve.

If you enjoyed this post, you can buy me a coffee to say thanks.

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Vibrator Addiction: No, You Cannot Get Addicted to a Sex Toy

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Vibrator addiction (or sex toy addiction more generally) is the less common but equally insidious sibling of “sex addiction”, and it’s equally nonsensical if not more so. I don’t believe sex addiction exists; it’s either a convenient excuse for bad behaviour, or driven by shame (usually religious in nature.) Dr David Ley has done some fantastic work on debunking the myth of sex addiction from a clinical perspective, so do check out his writing if you’re interested in learning more.

But this post is about vibrator addiction, sex toy addiction, and the general concept that you can become “addicted” to a sex toy.

You can’t.

I’m here to clear up this myth once and for all, because I’m sick of telling people that it’s really okay if they use their sex toy every day. Yes, even if it’s the only way they can orgasm. Yes, even if they use it multiple times a day!

First: What Do We Mean By “Vibrator Addiction”

When people talk about vibrator addiction or sex toy addiction, they usually mean one of two things:

  1. They’re scared of becoming so reliant on their toys that they won’t be able to orgasm any other way
  2. They’re worried that there is something wrong with them because of how much or how often they masturbate – that they’re sex addicts, nymphomaniacs, and so on.

Neither of these things is an addiction in the clinical sense, which refers to – according to the Cleveland Clinic – “a chronic (lifelong) condition that involves compulsive seeking and taking of a substance or performing of an activity despite negative or harmful consequences.”

Using a sex toy, even using one very regularly, is not compulsive, nor is it likely to have negative or harmful consequences. Masturbation, orgasm, and sex toys are not harmful (as long as you’re using body-safe toys.) In fact, they can be tremendously beneficial. You can’t misuse or abuse a sex toy in the same way you can, for example, alcohol or drugs.

If you find that you’re regularly masturbating to avoid dealing with difficult feelings, or doing it so much that other aspects of your life (such as work, friendships, or relationships) are being negatively impacted, you might want to consider seeing a sex positive therapist. However, I still don’t believe this constitutes a “sex toy addiction.” It’s also pretty rare. It is far, far more likely that what you’re dealing with isn’t a vibrator addiction, but good old fashioned sexual shame.

Addiction is a serious medical problem with causes major issues for both the sufferer and their loved ones. Addiction can kill. No-one, to the best of my knowledge, has ever turned to crime, alienated their family and friends, lost their job, run themselves into debt, or died because their Magic Wand just felt too good and gave them too many orgasms.

Minimising the very real pain of addiction and co-opting it as a sex-shaming tactic is incredibly insensitive and harmful to anyone who has been impacted by it.

Will I Break, Stretch, or Loosen My Vagina If I Use Toys Too Much?

No.

Genitals are fucking cool, y’all. They do not break or wear out from overuse.

Case in point: Millions of people give birth every year, which puts far more strain on the vulva and vagina than even the most hardcore of sex toys, and those people’s bodies bounce back just fine. I think the myth of toys stretching out a vagina irrevocably is closely associated with the (false and misogynistic) notion that too much sex causes a “loose” vagina. It fails to neglect the medical reality that the vagina is a muscle and muscles Do Not Work That Way.

You cannot break your genitals by enjoying sex toys. You can’t permanently stretch or loosen your vagina. It won’t mold around a toy and become unable to enjoy anything else. It won’t break, get addicted to one single type of stimulation, or become unable to enjoy other types of pleasure in the future. I promise!

Can Using Vibrators Cause Permanent Desensitisation?

No.

There is also no evidence whatsoever that prolonged or repeated usage of vibrators, even really high-powered ones, causes any long-term loss of sensation in the clitoris or vulva. At most, some people report feeling desensitized for a short while after a session of using a toy. This is especially common with buzzier toys, which can cause the dreaded “numbed out clit” effect. However, these effects are short-lived (typically minutes to hours at most) and cause no long-term damage or change in sensativity.

I’ve probably had, on average, something like ten orgasms a week with a vibrator for the last decade. The slightest flick of a partner’s tongue over my clit can still make me shiver. Toys will not harm your nerves or ruin your sensitivity permanently. Really liking using your toys does not constitute a sex toy addiction, and using a vibrator cannot permanently alter your sensitivity even if you use it every day.

Tangential but related: if you experience genital pain after using a sex toy, it could be any of the following:

  • You used a toy made from a toxic material
  • You used a toy made from a material you’re sensitive to
  • You didn’t use enough (or any) lube
  • You used a lube with toxic ingredients (or ingredients you’re sensitive to)
  • You didn’t warm yourself up enough, or weren’t aroused enough before you started
  • It’s just your body’s response to a new stimulus that it’s not used to (a bit like your muscles aching the next day if you do a new form of exercise!)

Do I Have a Vibrator Addition If Using a Toy is the Only Way I Can Orgasm?

I’m going to say something truly radical now. Stay with me.

If using a vibrator is the only or the most reliable way for you to reach orgasm, follow these steps:

  1. Use the vibrator
  2. Enjoy your orgasms
  3. Don’t worry about it

Orgasms are great. We should all be having as many of them as we wish. There are countless ways to reach orgasm. Not all of them work for everyone, and all of them are equally valid. The only requirement for a “good” orgasm? That everyone inducing or experiencing it is consenting. That’s literally it.

Reaching orgasm more quickly with a vibrator is normal. Only reaching orgasm with a vibrator is normal. Using a vibrator every time you want to get off isn’t a “vibrator addiction,” it’s a physical preference.

Some people with vulvas (and their partners) spend their entire lives chasing the elusive vaginal-only orgasm. The reality, though, is that the overwhelming majority of people’s bodies don’t work that way. Many people feel slighted if they can’t get their partner off without the aid of a toy. Some will wonder if their partner’s toy usage is to blame. It’s not; people and bodies are just different.

I encourage everyone to experiment with different kinds of pleasure to find what feels good for them. This can and probably will change over time. That’s normal too. Using toys can broaden, rather than narrowing, your experience of pleasure and the ways in which you can enjoy your body.

But when people message me to ask, “Dear Amy, please help, the only way I can reliably orgasm is by doing this thing”, my answer is very likely to be “….then do that thing.”

I’m Worried My Partner’s Sex Toy Addiction Will Replace Me

A lot of people are afraid that they, or their partners, will find the stimulation they get from a toy to be so overwhelmingly amazing that they won’t have any need for partnered sex in the future.

Again, this fear is not remotely evidence-based. In fact, I’ve found that the opposite is more often true. Many people find that exploring their sexuality through toys increases their potential for erotic enjoyment and therefore improves the partnered sex they have.

A toy, however much you love it, cannot be a substitute for a partner. Companies that use terms like “battery operated boyfriend” or “the perfect lover” to describe toys have a lot to answer for. So does that stupid scene in Sex & the City. Until a toy is sentient, shows up for me emotionally, makes me laugh, snuggles me at night, watches Netflix with me, takes me on adventures and brings me coffee, it is NOT a boyfriend/lover/partner. It’s an inanimate object, a tool through which to experience pleasure.

Don’t shame your partner if they enjoy using toys. Don’t accuse them of having a vibrator addiction, and don’t try to make their toys your competition. It’s not necessary. Toys can’t replace people.

“Vibrator Addiction” is a Misogynistic Shaming Tactic and Nothing More

The false notion of sex toy addiction adds to the stigma of masturbation and sexual pleasure. It’s also rooted in misogyny, since the accusation of having a vibrator addiction is pretty much always thrown at women and people with vulvas. It has no medical, psychological, or evidence-based foundation.

Let’s stop it and allow people to have orgasms in the ways that work for them.

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What is Subdrop and What Can You Do About It? 25 Subdrop Aftercare Ideas

Published on by Amy8 Comments

Subspace is a kind of high, fueled by adrenaline and endorphins and all the other happy-fuzzy brain chemicals that come out when you do BDSM play. But what goes up, as they say, must come down. That’s where subdrop comes in. But what is subdrop exactly, what causes it, and what can you do about it? Let’s learn about subdrop and some subdrop aftercare ideas to help you get through it.

What is Subdrop?

Subdrop is what can happen when all those lovely chemicals wear off and reality sets back in. For some, it can hit as soon as the subspace high has ended, while for others it can hit a day or even several days later. Everyone is different. I most often drop somewhere between 12 and 24 hours after an intense play session, though it has been known to be quicker.

Not everyone who engages in BDSM gets subdrop at all. Some do, some don’t, and either way is fine.

How Does It Feel?

Subdrop looks different for everyone, and it can be physical, mental, or both. You might feel sad, low, or depressed. You might cry a lot. Some people report feeling exhausted, listless, or low on energy. You might be ravenously hungry or completely lose your appetite. For some, the symptoms are akin to having a bad cold or virus! When you’re in the middle of it, subdrop can be overwhelming and horrible. If you’re new to BDSM, it can be confusing and distressing if you experience it unexpectedly.

By the way: if you’re a Dominant or Top and any of this sounds like your experience, you might be experiencing the equivalent: Dom drop or Topdrop. Much of the same advice applies to you.

25 Subdrop Aftercare Remedies

Subdrop, like everything in BDSM, is personal. This is a list of subdrop aftercare suggestions, not a prescription. Not everything on this list will work for everyone, and that’s okay. Pick out just one or two that appeal to you, and try them out.

  1. Cuddle someone/something! Your partner, a friend, a stuffed toy, your pet.
  2. Make your favourite hot drink and sip it slowly, noticing how it tastes and letting the cup warm your hands.
  3. Eat some chocolate or whatever your favourite sweet treat is. Not enough to make you feel sick, just enough to give you those feel-good chemicals. What is subdrop, after all, but a reduction in happy brain chemicals?
  4. Cook (or order in) a simple, healthy meal and enjoy eating it slowly. Something with protein and vegetables is ideal, but getting food into your body is the most important thing so if all you can manage is toast, go for it.
  5. Watch your favourite film or an episode of your favourite comfort show. Something lighthearted is best when you’re experiencing subdrop. Unless gory horror movies are comforting to you, I guess, in which case you do you!
  6. Write in your journal.
  7. Post to your blog or Fetlife page, if you have one.
  8. Share how you’re feeling with a kinky friend or kink-positive friend. Sympathy and virtual cuddles from people who get it can be cathartic.
  9. Listen to a comedy podcast or watch some stand-up and laugh until your stomach hurts.
  10. Curl up under a cozy duvet with a good book or a magazine.
  11. Meditate. There are thousands of free guided meditations on Youtube.
  12. Masturbate or have sex. Having an orgasm can perk you up no end. Again, subdrop is what happens when you experience the low after the high. There’s no shame in topping those endorphins up a bit.
  13. Go for a walk. Preferably somewhere with flowers and trees, but to the shop at the end of the street and back will work in a pinch.
  14. Sit in your garden, if you have one, or a nearby park. Fresh air is important.
  15. Buy yourself something, if you can comfortably afford to. This could be as elaborate as that high-end vibrator you’ve been lusting after for months, or as simple as a fancy coffee.
  16. Tidy up your room or work space. I always feel better and more clear-headed when my safe spaces are neat and tidy.
  17. Take a bath or shower. Spend as long as you like luxuriating in the hot water. Use your most decadent scented shower gel or that fancy bath bomb you’ve been saving.
  18. Play loud, upbeat music. Optional extras: sing along loudly, dance around your room for the length of a song or two. When I’m in subdrop, there’s nothing like my “queer bangers” playlist to help me feel like me again.
  19. Call someone you miss. Your mum. A grandparent. Your best friend in another city. Just pick up the phone, say hi and catch up.
  20. Create something. Whatever your creative talent is, use it. Play your instrument, bake a cake, write a page of your novel, knit a few rows of your latest project.
  21. Take a nap. Even an hour of rest will help recharge you a little.
  22. Exercise. Hit the gym, go for a run, or do some yoga. Moving your body releases tension and clears your mind.
  23. Get your hair cut or your nails done. No drastic changes right now! But a bit of pampering can really raise your mood and make you feel good about yourself.
  24. Just sit with the feeling. This is a mindfulness technique. Sit, feel, and think: I am feeling rotten right now because I am subdropping, but I know this feeling will soon pass and I will be okay.
  25. Do something for someone else. Whether it’s a chore that’s normally your partner’s but they’re super busy today, or getting shopping for an elderly neighbour, caring for others takes you out of your own head.

I hope you find some of these subdrop aftercare ideas helpful. Subdrop is a normal part of kink and BDSM for many people, and it can be hard. But understanding what subdrop is and why it happens, and knowing some basic aftercare techniques for dealing, with it can make all the difference.

A pair of pink handcuffs and a pink leather flogger on a darker pink background. Text reads "so you've been told you have sub frenzy?" Learn what sub-frenzy is and how to navigate it.

So You’ve Been Told You Have Sub-Frenzy?

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Hey there, new kinkster! I’m going to write this piece to you as I wish someone had written it to me, when I was new to BDSM and kink a decade or so ago. I want to tell you the things I wish I’d known about the phenomenon known as “sub frenzy.”

You might have found this post because someone accused you of having sub-frenzy. Or perhaps you’ve been cautioned by your new kinky friends that this “frenzy” thing is something to beware of and avoid? Whatever brought you here,

What is Sub Frenzy?

In short, sub frenzy is where new submissives (or experienced submissives in new relationships) experience an overwhelmingly intense desire to do all the kinky things right now. They might rush out to find a Dom, pursue unsuitable relationships, or look for kinky experiences even at the cost of their safety, wellbeing, or the health of their relationships.

Sub frenzy can happen for a few reasons. First, it’s natural to discover that you’re kinky and want to explore it immediately. It kinda reminds me of realising, in my late teens, that I liked girls and feeling desperate to find a woman to hook up with right now. In addition, kinky activities (including online connections and solo activities such as fantasising, masturbating, and watching kinky porn) release powerful brain chemicals such as endorphins and dopamine. These substances can lead to an altered state known as “subspace”, which can feel euphoric. Once you’ve had a taste of them, it’s normal to want more and more.

Sub frenzy can manifest in a huge variety of ways, and we’ll look at some examples in the next section. But in a nutshell, it’s a desperation to submit that is so intense that common sense and self-preservation fly out of the window.

How Will I Know if I’m in Sub Frenzy?

Are you a new submissive, or a submissive in a new relationship (particularly after a period of little or no play?) If any of the following feel familiar to you, you might be experiencing sub frenzy.

  • You’re so desperate to submit that you’d probably kneel for a brick wall if it would just smack your ass and call you a naughty boy
  • You’ve played with (or you’re tempted to play with) Dominants you barely know just to get the submissive itch scratched
  • You’re tempted to just submit to the next random douchbag who sends you an unsolicited dick pic on Fetlife
  • You’ve cheated, or are tempted to cheat, on your partner to get your kinky needs met
  • You’re ignoring BDSM red flags in a Dominant or prospective Dominant because you’re so desperate to play
  • You’ve dived into (or are considering diving into) a 24/7 Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship without taking the time to gain experience or learn more about BDSM first
  • You downplay your limits, claim not to have limits, or go further than you feel comfortable with because you think it’ll make you more attractive to Dominants
  • You’re pressuring your partner to engage in kink when they don’t want to, or to go further or faster than they feel comfortable with
  • Your kinky activities or desires are getting in the way of your health, safety, mental wellbeing, job, friendships, hobbies, or relationships in a significant way
  • You feel like you’ll LOSE YOUR MIND if you can’t submit to someone right now

If you said yes to any of the above, or recognise elements of them in yourself, you might be in sub frenzy.

What is This “Sub Frenzy” Crap? Don’t Good Submissives Want to Submit All the Time?

Short answer: no.

Well, sure, some submissives probably have the desire to submit all the time. But experienced submissives also know that there’s a time and a place, that sometimes real life must come first, and that they should never compromise their wellbeing for kink.

Good submissives are not doormats. They’re thoughtful, discerning, and willing to stand up for themselves, their needs, and their boundaries when necessary. Being so desperate to submit that you make poor decisions is not only really dangerous, it’s also only likely to attract the worst kind of Dominants.

If you’re looking for a long-term D/s relationship, a good Dominant will want to take time to get to know you and build a relationship with you. Even if you’re only after casual play, desperation isn’t sexy. It might feel maddening to pause and calm down a bit, but it’ll pay off in the long run.

Okay, I’ve Realised I Might Be a Bit Frenzied. What Now?

Stop. Pause. Breathe.

Okay, good. Now, I’m going to ask you to do something that will seem really, really antithetical to what every fibre of your being is screaming to do.

Wait.

Seriously. Just stop, catch your breath, and wait. The best way to let sub frenzy pass is to acknowledge it and consciously decide not to give in to it. Give yourself a time-limit, if you want. “I am not going to play with anyone knew until I have been going to munches for at least three months” works well, or “I am not going to let my next partner collar me until we have known each other for at least a year.”

You know yourself best, so think about what kind of timescale is likely to be realistic. Very broadly, in my entirely anecdotal and observational experience, frenzy will probably take longer than a month but less than a year to pass.

Sub frenzy is normal and it passes. But in order to keep yourself safe and healthy as you explore, you need to practice discipline and patience.

How Can I Scratch the Itch to Submit in a Safe Way?

Join your local community. If you do nothing else right now, get yourself to a BDSM munch (a social gathering of kinky people held in a location like a pub, bar or restaurant.) Meet some people, get to know them, get a sense of who the safe players with good reputations are.

As and when you do meet someone you’d like to play with, learn how to vet a Dom effectively. Sub frenzy can make it tempting to skip the vetting phase, but please don’t. You might also consider playing in an open environment like a kink party to begin with.

Watch some good BDSM porn. Find some tutorial videos and online or even real-world classes. Read erotica (Fifty Shades of Grey and those godawful Gor novels do not count) and write your own, if you want. Fantasise. Masturbate furiously. Read everything you can about the lifestyle and learn, learn, learn.

And most importantly? Slow the fuck down. The scene and all the sexy Dominants will still be there, I promise.

How Will I Know When My Sub Frenzy Has Passed?

This is where knowing yourself well comes in.

When your sub frenzy has passed, your desire to submit will still be there but it will likely be less visceral and immediate. You’ll be able to think through situations with a clear head and make decisions with your own best interests at heart. You won’t want to fall to the feet of every vaguely Domly person you meet. You’ll know some of the red flags of a dangerous Dominant to look out for, as well as the signs of a good one.

Good luck. This too shall pass.

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Hands holding up beers. Text set into a circle reads: 6 benefits of going to a kink munch

6 Benefits of Going to a Kink Munch (Apart from Finding Partners)

Published on by Amy1 Comment

If you ask experienced kinksters for their advice on exploring the BDSM world for the first time, they’ll most likely advise you to find a kink munch to attend.

What is a BDSM Munch and What Happens There?

A BDSM or kink munch is a social gathering of kinksters, usually in a setting like a pub, bar, or restaurant. Munches are usually no-play spaces where people wear everyday clothing and get to know one another in a purely social setting.

Some munches have activities, such as icebreakers or getting-to-know-you games. Others are totally informal, just like going to the pub with a group of friends. Some are for particular demographics – such as submissives, under 35s, women and other marginalised genders, or queer folks – while others are open to everyone.

Almost all major cities have at least one munch, and many have several. I live in a medium-sized city and there are at least ten munches a month that I know of.

6 Benefits of Going to a Kink Munch

When they’re new to BDSM, many inexperienced kinksters want to jump straight into their first kink party or find a Dom or sub and get on with playing. I understand the desire but I think this is a mistake. Here are six reasons why I think a kink munch should be your first event, which have little or nothing to do with finding people to play with.

You’ll Make Friends

I’ve got dear friends I first met at munches who I hope will be in my life forever. Kinksters are a friendly crowd and we love helping newcomers find their feet. You’ll meet all kinds of people at a BDSM munch, and not everyone will be your new bestie, but keep an open mind and chat to as many people as you can.

The trick to making friends at a kink munch is to treat it like you would any other situation with new people. If in doubt, ask people about themselves, though avoid overly personal questions. Many kinky people are circumspect about sharing “real world” details about their lives.

Avoid intrusive sexual questions or starting out by asking someone what they’re into. If in doubt, “how long have you been in the community?” or “what do you like to do for fun outside of kink?” are generally safe starting points.

You’ll Build a Reputation

Kinky people like to protect our own, and many of us strive towards robust community safeguarding. That’s why kinky social standings can be made or broken on reputation. Fortunately, it’s pretty easy to start building a good reputation as long as you’re a basically decent person. Becoming a regular at your local kink community’s munch is a great way to do that.

Be friendly, kind, honest, respectful, and honour consent at all times (including small interactions like asking before hugging someone.) When you start playing, negotiate thoroughly and practice risk-aware consensual kink.

In other words, be the kind of person you’d want to be friends with and maybe play with.

You Might Get Invited to Better Parties and Events

Some kink parties are broadly open to anyone who buys a ticket. These can be great, but many other events are private, semi-private, vetted, or invite-only.

The key to getting invited to those events? Make friends, build a good reputation, and be the kind of person others want to be around. Open, social kink events like munches are the best way to do this. This won’t happen overnight, but be yourself and get to know other people as friends and you might soon have a shiny new kinky social life.

It’s a Safer Way to Vet People

If you’ve met someone you might like to play with, learning how to vet a Dom or a sub is a vital tool in staying safe. If you’ve been chatting online, meeting at a kink munch is a safe and low-pressure way to get to know someone. Or if you’ve met someone in the local community and are curious if they’re really as great as they seem, your new kinky friends will be well placed to let you know if your prospective Mr/Ms/Mx Right is a good person to get involved with.

You’ll Build Knowledge

Something to know about kinksters? We’re fucking nerds in the best possible way. Want to learn more about some cool kinky skill or implement you’ve come across, or just about BDSM and the community in general? Your local community is your best resource.

Generally speaking, we kinksters love to enthuse about our “thing” and share our knowledge with anyone who wants to listen. So open your mind, listen up, and get ready to learn all kinds of amazing things. And if you want to ask a particular person at the munch about a kink or activity you know they’re experienced in? Go for it.

A Kink Munch is a Safe Place to Be Yourself

As kinksters, we know that our sexuality lives on the fringes. We may not be able to be safely “out” about our proclivities to people in our lives. In addition, a large percentage of us are queer, trans, neurodivergent, disabled, or have other marginalised identities. This means that you are likely to find a community full of welcoming, accepting people.

In the right kink space, you don’t need to hide your sexuality, your gender, your social awkwardness, or your nerdy hobbies. You’re welcome exactly as you are.

Do you find my work useful? Sharing it on Bluesky or Fetlife or buying me a coffee is a great way to say thanks <3

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Long-Distance BDSM: 5 Ways to Keep Your Dynamic Alive When You’re Apart

Published on by Amy

Long-distance relationships can be challenging in all sorts of ways, from the emotional strain of missing each other to the expense and time involved in visits. Long distance BDSM adds another layer to this, and many kinky couples (whether their dynamic is 24/7 or not) find it hard to maintain their dynamic across the miles. If you’re trying to stay connected with your long distance sub or Dom and keep your dynamic alive, these tips might help you.

Long-Distance BDSM Tips for All Kinky Dynamics

I have some experience of long-distance relationships, including long-distance polyamory and long-distance BDSM, and so do many of my friends and loved ones. That means I’ve learned a few things about how to keep a kink dynamic alive and thriving no matter where you both are in the world.

Here are five things you might want to try. As always, take the ones that work for you and leave the ones that don’t.

Sext Each Other

Sexting is brilliant if, like me, you’re a wordy person. I love the anticipation when the other person is typing. I love tapping out my fantasies, planting ideas and imagery into my lover’s mind with my words. If you’re in a long-distance BDSM relationship, it’s easy to add a D/s element to your sexting. The Dominant partner can give the submissive partner instructions, or you can share fantasies of a scene you might like to do when you’re next together… or memories of one you already did.

There’s a kind of delicious collaboration that comes with building a scene or sexy story together in this way. Another advantage of sexting is that you can read the messages back at a later date if you want to.

Check out my tips for better sexting if you want to get better at fucking your partner with your words.

Have Phone Sex

Phone sex (or video call sex) is a bit like sexting, only more immediate and more visceral. You can hear your partner’s tone, hear their voice catch when you say something that really gets them, hear them gasp or moan as they touch themselves.

Long distance vibrators and other remote control toys can be a great addition to virtual or phone sex.

Instructions and Accountability for a Long Distance Sub

If your D/s relationship incorporates instruction or tasks outside of designated scene space, providing these from a distance can help to keep the submissive accountable and the long-distance BDSM dynamic strong.

This can take virtually any form you like. Instructions can be sexy (“send me a picture of your panties next time you go to the bathroom”), self-care based (“I want you to drink a pint of water before noon”), or anything else you can think of that fits your desires and context.

Plann and Negotiate Future Scenes

One nice thing about long-distance BDSM is that you have to be super intentional with your playtime. This means making plans, negotiating scenes, and talking about desires, limits, boundaries, and possibilities upfront. But BDSM negotiation isn’t just a necessity; it can also be a part of your dynamic in itself.

You know how, when you start planning a trip or vacation, you get those lovely feelings of excitement and anticipation about all the fun you’re going to have? It’s exactly the same when you start planning a kink scene you might play out in the future.

Not sure where to start? A Yes/No/Maybe list is a great way to get some ideas and find out more about where your kinks overlap.

Keep a Physical Reminder of Your Dynamic When You’re Apart

This is something I recommend for all long-distance relationships, but it can work particularly well for long-distance BDSM. A physical reminder – something you can look at, wear, touch, or hold – of your partner and your dynamic can help you to keep feeling connected and close when you’re apart.

A collar is an obvious example for a long distance sub, if that’s your thing. Other options could include a wearable such as a piece of jewellery or a pair of pet play ears, a kinky object such as a chastity device (or your partner’s device key), an item of your partner’s clothing or some of their perfume/cologne, a cuddly toy, a card or letter… whatever is most meaningful to the two of you and your dynamic.

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Several wooden spoons. For a post about pervertables and doing BDSM on a budget with household items

5 Pervertables You Probably Have in Your House Right Now

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Quality BDSM gear can be expensive. Sex shops sell some stuff, of course, though its quality is highly variable. A custom flogger or handmade paddle can cost anything from tens to hundreds of dollars. Many people simply don’t have that type of money and want to enjoy BDSM on a budget instead. Enter: pervertables.

What Are Pervertables?

Pervertables are innocuous everyday household items, reimagined and repurposed for kink. They are ideal for kinksters looking to do BDSM on a budget, anyone who is new to BDSM or wants to try a new type of sensation without blowing a lot of cash, or for those occasions when you find yourself somewhere without your toybag and want to have some fun.

And, of course, some pervertables can be sexy for their own sake. A lot of people fetishise, for example, the feeling and aesthetic of being spanked with a hairbrush.

Doing BDSM on a Budget? You Probably Have These 5 Pervertables in Your House Right Now

When it comes to using pervertables for BDSM and bondage at home, you’re limited only by your imagination and basic safety precautions. Here are five ideas for items you might have to hand right now that can have a kinky use.

Clothes Pegs

Clothes pegs are an amazing alternative to clamps and such an underrated kink toy! Choose the plastic ones with soft pads on the teeth if you’re after something less vicious. The wooden ones are often more pinchy. This can vary, though, so test them out on your finger before you apply them to anywhere more sensitive.

Use clothes pegs on nipples, labia, clits, cocks, or most sensitive fleshy areas. Keep them away from the face and neck. After a more intense or painful experience? Try putting a line of clothes pegs along your masochist’s back, tying them all together with string or twine, and pulling them all of at once. (Don’t surprise someone with this the first time you do it; it’s not for everyone, so always get consent first.)

Pro tip: the longer you leave clamps or pegs on, the more they’ll hurt when they come off.

Chopsticks

Chopsticks are another option for makeshift clamps. Simply squeeze a nipple (or other sensitive area) between two chopsticks and secure the ends with small elastic bands or hair ties. For a tighter squeeze, secure closer to the centre. To loosen them off, move the bands outwards.

Wooden Spoon

Arguably the ultimate household spanking implement, wooden spoons can deliver a surprisingly sharp and stingy sensation. Much like canes, their pain comes in waves – the initial sting when the blow hits, and then a second or two moments later as all the nerves fully register the impact.

Pervertables like wooden spoons are pretty safe when used on fleshy places like butts, but you should always start slowly and gently, checking in with your partner along the way. You’d be surprised how much they can hurt!

Hairbrush

Traditionally associated with over-the-knee spanking, hairbrushes remain enduringly popular impact implements. Different sizes, shapes and materials can feel very different, so make no assumptions, build up slowly, and communicate with your partner as you go about how it feels.

Ice

Ice is brilliant. You can use it on its own or alongside something like wax play for a fun temperature-based scene. You can run ice over your partner’s body for a cold tease, press it to a nipple or clit, or trail icy droplets all over them.

Ice play doesn’t have to be painful and can be purely sensual, but it definitely can be painful if that’s what you want. Typically, ice in sensitive places will become painful quite quickly. Keep the ice moving (i.e. don’t rest it on one spot for too long) and make sure that the bottom gets dried off and warmed up as quickly as possible after play.

…And 5 Things You Shouldn’t Use as Pervertables

All the pervertables and activities I’ve suggested here are relatively low risk as long as you communicate with your partner, practice risk-aware consensual kink (RACK), and observe some basic safety precautions such as understanding no-hit zones.

But there are also some things you absolutely should not use as pervertables. Here are a few of them:

Cable Ties

Cable ties (also known as zip ties) are not a safe way to restrain someone. They can tighten easily, cutting off circulation or causing nerve damage. They’re also thin bands of rough plastic, meaning there’s a high risk of them cutting or chafing the skin.

Household Candles

There are different schools of thought on this. Some people say that basic, unscented paraffin wax candles are okay. My stance, though, is it’s not worth the risk. Different wax blends and quality levels burn at different temperatures and it can be hard to know what you’re getting. Instead, choose wax play candles from a reputable maker or supplier.

Fruits and Vegetables

Please don’t insert fruits and veggies into your body. They can carry harmful bacteria, pesticides, or other contaminants which can lead to irritation or infection. They can also have rough or sharp areas which can cut you. It is particularly dangerous to insert anything without a flared base anally, as it could become stuck (leading to an embarrassing emergency room visit if not a serious injury.)

This applies to virtually any household items you might be tempted to insert, by the way. There are safe(r) ways to repurpose other items or make your own sex toy, but when you can get a basic silicone dildo for under $20, it’s just not worth taking risks with unsafe items.

Bamboo Garden Canes

Tempted to reach for one of those cheap bamboo gardening canes and repurpose it as a BDSM implement? Please, please don’t. Here’s why: when bamboo breaks, it splits horizontally along the shaft. This can result in razor-sharp long edges, putting the recieving partner at risk of a deep and dangerous cut.

Scarves

Scarves, particularly those made of slippery materials like silk, are popular “beginner bondage” materials for those wanting to practice BDSM on a budget. Unfortunately, they’re also far more dangerous than you think. They can easily tighten unintentionally, cutting off circulation, causing nerve damage, or making them difficult to undo quickly. Grab some basic jute or hemp rope and learn how to do some fundamental ties instead. You’ll be much safer.

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A set of traffic lights. For a post about safewords and other BDSM safety tools

Beyond Safewords: 8 BDSM Safety Tools You Can Use

Published on by Amy1 Comment

There are very few things in kink that I take an unshakeable hard line on. But as someone who is passionate about BDSM safety and more ethical ways of practicing kink, one of them is this: BDSM safewords are essential.

What Are Safewords?

Safewords are simple code words used in kink scenes that mean “stop.” They’re particularly useful for scenes in which words like “no” and “stop” may not be taken at face value as part of the game, but I recommend having one in place regardless of what type of kink you’re doing.

The best safeword is something that you can easily remember and wouldn’t otherwise say in a kink scene. The most commonly used safewords these days seem to be the traffic light system:

  • Red = “stop everything right now”
  • Orange/Yellow/Amber = “pause and check in”
  • Green = “everything is good, keep going”

Use these if they work for you, or come up with your own. Safewords I’ve used include canary, aardvark, and banana.

Beyond Safewords: Other BDSM Safety Tools

Safewords are vital but they are not the be-all/end-all of BDSM safety. That’s why I wanted to suggest a few other tools, tricks, and pieces of wisdom you might want to keep in your kink safety toolkit.

“No”: The Ultimate Safeword

In the absence of very explicit negotiation to the contrary, “no” is the ultimate BDSM safeword. Unless you and your partner have agreed that (for the duration of a scene, or during kinky play in general) “a ‘no’ is not to be taken at face value”, guess what?

No means fucking no.

A “Check In” or “Adjust” Word

I touched on this above as it forms part of the increasingly popular traffic light safewords system. If you need to pause, check in with your partner, or adjust something, a check-in word can help to facilitate this without bringing the entire scene to a screeching halt.

A check-in word is useful for moments when (for example) your leg has gone to sleep, you need to change positions but want to keep going, or you need to grab some more lube.

Really Robust Negotiation

BDSM negotiation is all about what happens before you start playing. It can be a long and involved process where you both fill in Yes/No/Maybe lists and compare your answers, a quick conversation before you begin, or anything in between. This all depends on your experience level, your existing dynamic or relationship if there is one, and the types of play you’ll be engaging in.

Of course, things can still go wrong. There’s no shame in that as long as everyone was operating in good faith. BDSM safewords are vital, but negotiating thoroughly reduces the chances you’ll need to use one and increases the likelihood of enjoying a fun scene where everything goes well.

A 1-10 Pain/Sensation Scale

This tool is particularly useful if you’re engaging in pain play of any kind, though it can be useful for any type of play that involves intense sensations. It’s a quick way to check in with a bottom or receiving partner and see how they’re feeling. As a general guideline, 1 means “I can barely feel that” and 10 means “I am at or very close to my limit and may safeword soon.”

As well as asking your partner what level they’re at, it’s also useful to ask them what level they want to be at. A hardcore masochist might want to get up to a 9 or 10 and stay there, while a lighter player may be happier staying at a much lower number. Of course, the desired level can also vary day to day and scene to scene.

Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication

If you and your partner know each other well, you probably know each other’s body language and non-verbal cues pretty well. Body-language is far from foolproof, and even people who have known their lovers for decades can get it wrong. But it’s also a major part of human communication and can be a valuable tool if you take the time to tune in.

Does he go silent when something is wrong? Do deep, guttural moans mean she’s having fun, but high-pitched squeaks mean she’s reaching her limit? Do they clench their fists when they’re having a tough time with something? Is crying good or bad?

References

If you want to play with a new person, it’s a good idea to scope out what their reputation is. Are they known to push boundaries or disregard safewords, or are they highly respected for their ethical and risk-aware play style? You can ask around your local kink scene or check with the organisers of events they go to. References, vetting, and community safeguarding are essential parts of enhancing BDSM safety for everyone.

Sadly, this method has its problems. How useful it actually is will likely depend a lot on your local scene politics. Unfortunately, some kink communities have a problem with protecting abusers, especially if the abuser is popular, charming, or good at throwing parties. Ask several people and if in doubt, seek a second opinion.

Safe Calls

Sadly, some people can be perfectly charming and seemingly safe players in public, but behave very differently behind closed doors. That’s why I recommend implementing a safe call if you’re going on a play-date or into a private space with a new person.

Agree to call, text, or otherwise contact someone (a friend, another partner, or a trusted person in your community) at a prearranged time to let them know you’re safe, and agree on what they will do if you fail to check in.

Aside from the obvious benefits of someone knowing where you are, who you’re with, and what to do if something goes wrong, setting up a safe call and informing your date about it can also tell you a lot about them. If you say “I need to call my friend by 4pm to let her know I’m safe,” a good play partner will say “sure, maybe set an alarm to remind yourself?” and not “what the fuck!? Don’t you trust me!? I’M A NICE GUY!!!”

A Spotter

Finally, we have a BDSM safety tool that I feel is underutilised but tremendously valuable. A spotter is a person who watches a play scene but is not directly involved unless they’re needed. For example, a more experienced rigger might observe a rope scene to make sure the tie is safe.

Using spotters is a brilliant way to minimise risk when you’re learning and trying new skills, but their usefulness extends beyond beginners. If you’re playing with someone new or someone you don’t know very well, having a trusted third party there can help to keep you safe. They can step in if boundaries are overstepped or safewords not adhered to. Someone who knows you, your body, and your reactions well is ideal. At a play party, a Dungeon Monitor (DM) may also be able to take on this role.

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