Vibrator addiction (or sex toy addiction more generally) is the less common but equally insidious sibling of “sex addiction”, and it’s equally nonsensical if not more so. I don’t believe sex addiction exists; it’s either a convenient excuse for bad behaviour, or driven by shame (usually religious in nature.) Dr David Ley has done some fantastic work on debunking the myth of sex addiction from a clinical perspective, so do check out his writing if you’re interested in learning more.
But this post is about vibrator addiction, sex toy addiction, and the general concept that you can become “addicted” to a sex toy.
You can’t.
I’m here to clear up this myth once and for all, because I’m sick of telling people that it’s really okay if they use their sex toy every day. Yes, even if it’s the only way they can orgasm. Yes, even if they use it multiple times a day!
First: What Do We Mean By “Vibrator Addiction”
When people talk about vibrator addiction or sex toy addiction, they usually mean one of two things:
- They’re scared of becoming so reliant on their toys that they won’t be able to orgasm any other way
- They’re worried that there is something wrong with them because of how much or how often they masturbate – that they’re sex addicts, nymphomaniacs, and so on.
Neither of these things is an addiction in the clinical sense, which refers to – according to the Cleveland Clinic – “a chronic (lifelong) condition that involves compulsive seeking and taking of a substance or performing of an activity despite negative or harmful consequences.”
Using a sex toy, even using one very regularly, is not compulsive, nor is it likely to have negative or harmful consequences. Masturbation, orgasm, and sex toys are not harmful (as long as you’re using body-safe toys.) In fact, they can be tremendously beneficial. You can’t misuse or abuse a sex toy in the same way you can, for example, alcohol or drugs.
If you find that you’re regularly masturbating to avoid dealing with difficult feelings, or doing it so much that other aspects of your life (such as work, friendships, or relationships) are being negatively impacted, you might want to consider seeing a sex positive therapist. However, I still don’t believe this constitutes a “sex toy addiction.” It’s also pretty rare. It is far, far more likely that what you’re dealing with isn’t a vibrator addiction, but good old fashioned sexual shame.
Addiction is a serious medical problem with causes major issues for both the sufferer and their loved ones. Addiction can kill. No-one, to the best of my knowledge, has ever turned to crime, alienated their family and friends, lost their job, run themselves into debt, or died because their Magic Wand just felt too good and gave them too many orgasms.
Minimising the very real pain of addiction and co-opting it as a sex-shaming tactic is incredibly insensitive and harmful to anyone who has been impacted by it.
Will I Break, Stretch, or Loosen My Vagina If I Use Toys Too Much?
No.
Genitals are fucking cool, y’all. They do not break or wear out from overuse.
Case in point: Millions of people give birth every year, which puts far more strain on the vulva and vagina than even the most hardcore of sex toys, and those people’s bodies bounce back just fine. I think the myth of toys stretching out a vagina irrevocably is closely associated with the (false and misogynistic) notion that too much sex causes a “loose” vagina. It fails to neglect the medical reality that the vagina is a muscle and muscles Do Not Work That Way.
You cannot break your genitals by enjoying sex toys. You can’t permanently stretch or loosen your vagina. It won’t mold around a toy and become unable to enjoy anything else. It won’t break, get addicted to one single type of stimulation, or become unable to enjoy other types of pleasure in the future. I promise!
Can Using Vibrators Cause Permanent Desensitisation?
No.
There is also no evidence whatsoever that prolonged or repeated usage of vibrators, even really high-powered ones, causes any long-term loss of sensation in the clitoris or vulva. At most, some people report feeling desensitized for a short while after a session of using a toy. This is especially common with buzzier toys, which can cause the dreaded “numbed out clit” effect. However, these effects are short-lived (typically minutes to hours at most) and cause no long-term damage or change in sensativity.
I’ve probably had, on average, something like ten orgasms a week with a vibrator for the last decade. The slightest flick of a partner’s tongue over my clit can still make me shiver. Toys will not harm your nerves or ruin your sensitivity permanently. Really liking using your toys does not constitute a sex toy addiction, and using a vibrator cannot permanently alter your sensitivity even if you use it every day.
Tangential but related: if you experience genital pain after using a sex toy, it could be any of the following:
- You used a toy made from a toxic material
- You used a toy made from a material you’re sensitive to
- You didn’t use enough (or any) lube
- You used a lube with toxic ingredients (or ingredients you’re sensitive to)
- You didn’t warm yourself up enough, or weren’t aroused enough before you started
- It’s just your body’s response to a new stimulus that it’s not used to (a bit like your muscles aching the next day if you do a new form of exercise!)
Do I Have a Vibrator Addition If Using a Toy is the Only Way I Can Orgasm?
I’m going to say something truly radical now. Stay with me.
If using a vibrator is the only or the most reliable way for you to reach orgasm, follow these steps:
- Use the vibrator
- Enjoy your orgasms
- Don’t worry about it
Orgasms are great. We should all be having as many of them as we wish. There are countless ways to reach orgasm. Not all of them work for everyone, and all of them are equally valid. The only requirement for a “good” orgasm? That everyone inducing or experiencing it is consenting. That’s literally it.
Reaching orgasm more quickly with a vibrator is normal. Only reaching orgasm with a vibrator is normal. Using a vibrator every time you want to get off isn’t a “vibrator addiction,” it’s a physical preference.
Some people with vulvas (and their partners) spend their entire lives chasing the elusive vaginal-only orgasm. The reality, though, is that the overwhelming majority of people’s bodies don’t work that way. Many people feel slighted if they can’t get their partner off without the aid of a toy. Some will wonder if their partner’s toy usage is to blame. It’s not; people and bodies are just different.
I encourage everyone to experiment with different kinds of pleasure to find what feels good for them. This can and probably will change over time. That’s normal too. Using toys can broaden, rather than narrowing, your experience of pleasure and the ways in which you can enjoy your body.
But when people message me to ask, “Dear Amy, please help, the only way I can reliably orgasm is by doing this thing”, my answer is very likely to be “….then do that thing.”
I’m Worried My Partner’s Sex Toy Addiction Will Replace Me
A lot of people are afraid that they, or their partners, will find the stimulation they get from a toy to be so overwhelmingly amazing that they won’t have any need for partnered sex in the future.
Again, this fear is not remotely evidence-based. In fact, I’ve found that the opposite is more often true. Many people find that exploring their sexuality through toys increases their potential for erotic enjoyment and therefore improves the partnered sex they have.
A toy, however much you love it, cannot be a substitute for a partner. Companies that use terms like “battery operated boyfriend” or “the perfect lover” to describe toys have a lot to answer for. So does that stupid scene in Sex & the City. Until a toy is sentient, shows up for me emotionally, makes me laugh, snuggles me at night, watches Netflix with me, takes me on adventures and brings me coffee, it is NOT a boyfriend/lover/partner. It’s an inanimate object, a tool through which to experience pleasure.
Don’t shame your partner if they enjoy using toys. Don’t accuse them of having a vibrator addiction, and don’t try to make their toys your competition. It’s not necessary. Toys can’t replace people.
“Vibrator Addiction” is a Misogynistic Shaming Tactic and Nothing More
The false notion of sex toy addiction adds to the stigma of masturbation and sexual pleasure. It’s also rooted in misogyny, since the accusation of having a vibrator addiction is pretty much always thrown at women and people with vulvas. It has no medical, psychological, or evidence-based foundation.
Let’s stop it and allow people to have orgasms in the ways that work for them.
