Tag: events

Hands holiding a heart-shaped asexual flag. Text reads: Redefining Kink Without Sex: Lessons in Non-Sexual BDSM by Void

[Guest Post] Redefining Kink Without Sex: Lessons in Non-Sexual BDSM from the Ace Spectrum by Void

Published on by Amy

I’ve published guest content on all kinds of experiences over the years here on C&K. We’ve talk about topics like medication-induced libido struggles and navigating complex mental health conditions. One thing I’ve got shamefully little content on, though? Asexual experiences. That’s why I jumped on this pitch from Void (any pronouns) all about the necessity of including non-sexual BDSM and kink in our parties, play spaces, and sex positive communities. I’ll hand straight over to them!

Amy x

Redefining Kink Without Sex: Lessons in Non-Sexual BDSM from the Ace Spectrum by Void

When someone searches online for the definitions of terms like “kink” and “BDSM,” results repeatedly mention sex. More than that, local adult clubs often intertwine swinger and kink events. Others have open floor plans, where sex is encouraged and indulged without offering any alternative experience. In the increasingly queerified BDSM community, there is a rising push towards inclusion for those who don’t need or want sex in their play scenes or dynamics. This means it’s time to evolve our definitions.

Redefining the concept of kink as something that can include sex but does not necessarily include it not only benefits people on the ace spectrum, but the community as a whole. Non-sexual BDSM awareness at events and clubs is the next step to queer inclusion. With Pride Month underway, I wanted to talk about how we can do it.

Debunking The Myth

People on the asexual spectrum who are sex-repulsed, averse, or ambivalent can still be kinky. Ace people are a diverse group, with some demisexuals and graysexuals having little difference in their preferences from allosexual people (those who experience consistent and active sexual attraction and desire.) Other ace people despise sex and would rather have nothing to do with it. To be clear, an ace person can desire sex for many reasons and still not want to see it during every visit to their local BDSM club.

Kink is supposed to be about consensual play, and not all play is sexual. It can be fun with friends, meditative, or even done solo without a partner. Someone can tie a chest harness as a service and keep watch while the bottom blisses out on bondage-induced serotonin. Pet play can be purely aesthetic as a puppy dresses to the nines in a leather suit and mask. Maybe someone wants to be a hypnotized doll for a day, or is a platonic caregiver for their friend who struggles to access little space.

Existing Writings on Non-Sexual BDSM

The Barefoot Backpacker details his personal experience with being kinky and ace in his post Asexuality and Kink. He writes: “Being tied doesn’t arouse me… I’ve almost fallen asleep whilst hogtied before, simply because it relaxes me so much.” He delves further into how his own asexuality is expressed through rope play, which often includes platonic cuddling and touching during scenes.

Exploration of non-sexual BDSM can also include long-term kink dynamics. The paper Ace of (BDSM) Clubs: Building Asexual Relationships Through BDSM Practice by Lorca Jolene Sloan expands upon how power dynamics can be not only validating but also empowering for ace people. Through 2-hour interviews with 15 ace people, Sloan found that BDSM structures enable asexual people to talk about non-sexual dynamics. This is because the community emphasizes embracing vulnerability and practicing meticulous dynamic negotiation, the author further explains.

The language to discuss different sexual preferences and feelings is already laid down in how we talk about bodily autonomy, personal boundaries, and kink limits. In her conclusion, Sloan observes that her interviews with asexual practitioners of BDSM provide a new perspective on building intimate relationships outside of sex or sexual desire. This opens up the potential for allosexual people to also consider whether sex is necessary in certain parts of their dynamics and to reimagine the relationships they can have with asexual partners.

Fostering Non-Sexual BDSM and Kink Inclusion

Once the kink community starts separating kink from sex and we start changing our definitions, then we can begin building a more inclusive community. Not every space or event has to include sex. In fact, some discourage or disallow sexual activity, especially at social events or when including new members.

Looking for some ideas for non-sexual BDSM activities? How about…
  • BDSM classes
  • Kinksters’ game nights
  • Cuddle puddles
  • Sleepovers
  • LGBTQ+ and polyamorous meetups
  • Platonic play nights
  • “Tasting” parties that allow a bottom to experience a variety of kinks with vetted, experienced tops at their local club. This allows new members to try out activities when they don’t have a partner as well as encouraging a communal play space where kink isn’t inherently sexualised.

The structure of venues can also include separate platonic/non-sexual play spaces and social areas. Not only does this provide a more inclusive environment, it can also be a non-stimulating space for aftercare, relaxing, and breaks from play.

For example, Voodoo Leatherworks, an alternative lifestyle community center in Colorado, has a play area and social lounge separated by closed double doors. While sex is allowed in the play area, the lounge requires clothing that covers erotic areas at all times and sex is prohibited.

Even if a kink space cannot afford a large, expansive venue with separate spaces, being conscientious that not all members will want to participate in sexual voyeurism and considering diverse perspectives on how events and venues can be structured also helps. Listen to asexual voices in the community. Have those discussions. Ask local leaders what else can be done to include non-sexual BDSM in play spaces. All of these are invaluable steps towards change.

Does this mean sex should be discouraged? No! Inclusion ultimately means all sexualities and deviations are welcome. BDSM has long been associated with sexual revolution and reclamation. There is absolutely no reason for better ace inclusion to detract from that. Rather, the intent is to also include asexual experiences and desires. This will mean changing how we communicate and participate within kink and sex. No one is being asked to stop being a slut. And asexual people can be sluts too!

Embracing Non-Sexual BDSM For a Better Community

Kinky ace people already exist and always have. We participate in community discussions, attend events, and play with all sorts of people in many different kinks and activities. Therefore, ace inclusivity is sorely needed to make everyone feel welcome. The misconception that kink and BDSM have to be sexual is harmful. It’s also perpetuated by community spaces encouraging sex with play at all their events.

There are many ways to start the discussion about distinguishing kink from sex and the sooner definitions start to change, the sooner we can build a better community that includes those who are uncomfortable around sex. This extends beyond ace people, by the way. It also includes those recovering from sexual trauma, those primarily interested in building community, and those just burnt out from being propositioned for sex at every event they attend.

The asexual spectrum teaches a lot of lessons that expand upon our understanding of sexual desire and attraction. Ultimately, it teaches people that it’s okay to not want sex. Sex is everywhere. It is also often filtered through harmful mainstream views and practices like misogyny, heteronormativity, and toxic monogamy culture. Even if someone isn’t ace, sometimes the last thing on their mind is sex. Sometimes, it’s a fun night laughing with friends as they yelp to the sting of a violet wand. Or finding out paddling puts them in a relaxed state of mind where their anxiety melts away and all that remains is the rhythmic, warming thud against their ass. Or an uninterrupted moment of self reflection as they clutch their favorite stuffy.

Kink comes in all colors of the rainbow and in all flavors of queerness. It’s past time to honor the asexual one.

About the Writer

Void is an experienced sub and Dom with a passion for minority topics. They are omnigender, pansexual, gray ace, polyamorous, and neurodivergent. In their free time they enjoy writing, reading, taking care of her cat Maya, and playing video games.

BDSM gear on a pink background, header image for a post on the question of "Am I Kinky?"

Am I Kinky? How to Tell and How to Better Understand Your Kinks

Published on by Amy

Some kinksters have always known they were kinky, sometimes from even before they had a word for it. Others come to kink and BDSM later on, after intensely questioning and examining their desires and fantasies. Have you ever agonised over the question “am I kinky?”, wondered if you’re kinky enough to claim the label and call yourself a part of the community, or felt stuck on how to explore your interest in kinky things?

If so, this post is for you.

What is Kinky?

This is where I always like to start when it comes to examining the question of whether a person is kinky: what even is kinky, anyway?

Wikipedia defines kinkiness as “the use of sexual practices, concepts or fantasies that are not conventional.” This general theme continues in other definitions I looked at. Justin Hancock, of sex education platform Bish UK, writes that “‘Kink’ is a set of pleasurable activities that people choose to do together that in other contexts are not pleasurable or usual.” The Cambridge Dictionary definies it as “a strange habit, usually of a sexual nature.”

But these definitions require us to ask ourselves: what is “conventional?” What is “usual?” In order to define what it means to step outside of these “norms”, we have to understand what the norms are in the first place.

Sexual norms, like other societal norms, are inherently subjective and informed by an array of factors from the social and political to the religious. Some people would say that the only “normal” sex to have is married, penis-in-vagina intercourse in the missionary position. Some would say that activities such as oral sex, anal sex, and mutual masturbation are completely “normal” and therefore not kinky. For others, however, having anal sex or masturbating in front of their partner might feel extremely kinky.

Pain is often associated with BDSM, but this isn’t always the case. My friend Violet Grey wrote a great guest blog about how kink isn’t all whips and chains. You don’t need to play with pain at all to be kinky, if you don’t want to. For some people, kink is entirely or mostly psychological. For others, it involves playing with intense or challenging sensations that are not necessarily painful (rope bondage, tickling kinks, and temperature play being just some obvious examples.)

Power play is another facet that often appears in kink, but doesn’t have to. Dominant and submissive dynamics – the D/s in BDSM – are one way to play with kink, but they are not essential to it. For example, some people enjoy sadomasochism (the consensual giving and receiving of pain) without any element of power imbalance.

Then there’s fetishism, which involves a sexual response to an item, body part, or activity that is not traditionally viewed as sexual. Foot fetishes, material fetishes (such as latex or rubber), and watersports (playing with pee) are just some examples of common fetishes. But do you need to have a fetish to be kinky? Nope!

I realise this might not be very helpful. I realise I’m offering lots of things that being kinky might mean, but no hard and fast litmus test. But that’s also part of the beauty of kink. You get to define what it means to you and for you.

Do you fantasise about, or take part in, sexual or sensual acts that feel in some way unconventional or “outside the norm” to you? If so, you might be kinky!

Am I Kinky Enough to Call Myself Kinky?

If you take nothing else from this piece, I hope you’ll remember this: there’s no such thing as “kinky enough”.

Much like queerness, ultimately the only test is “do you identify as kinky?” If so, then congratulations! You’re kinky! It’s also fine to take part in the community even if you’re not yet sure if you’re kinky, by the way. We’ll talk about this a bit more later on.

You don’t need to be into the most extreme things imaginable to call yourself kinky. Everyone has unique preferences, desires, limits, and boundaries. You also don’t need to be constantly trying out the next new hardcore thing! If the only kinky thing you ever want to do is get tickled with feathers, or have your wrists cuffed to the headboard during sex, or spank your lover? You’re kinky enough!

I can’t promise you won’t encounter any gatekeeping in the kink community. Sadly you might. After all, kink scenes are made up of people and people are sometimes dickheads. However, the vast majority of the people you meet will likely be completely lovely and non-judgemental. If anyone judges you for not being extreme enough or says that your kink isn’t really a kink, feel enormously free to ignore them. Or tell them to fuck off. That’s fun too.

6 Ways to Better Understand Your Kinks

If you think you could be kinky, you might already know exactly what you’re into. You might also have only a vague sense… or absolutely no idea yet! Whatever is true for you, it’s all fine. In this section, I’ll give you a few ideas for ways you can explore your kinky identity further and develop a deeper understanding of your kinks.

Take a BDSM Test

A BDSM test is an online quiz that asks you a series of questions to help you determine your kink identity, role, interests, or archetype. It can be a great place to start your explorations.

Remember that a BDSM test is supposed to be a guide, not Gospel. If your result doesn’t feel quite right for you, then that’s also useful information you can take forward. It can also be useful to revisit your BDSM test of choice every year or two. Chances are your preferences will evolve and your results might change, too. Mine certainly have!

Do a Yes/No/Maybe List

Yes/No/Maybe lists are checklists of all kinds of kinky activities. The idea is that you go through the list and indicate whether you’re a “yes”, a “no”, or a “maybe” to doing each thing. Some lists also have a column where you can indicate your level of interest and/or level of experience with each activity. They’re a great place to start exploring what types of kinky play might interest you. They can also help you to identify the things you absolutely don’t want to do, which is equally useful.

Yes/No/Maybe lists can be particularly useful tools in negotiating kinky play or relationships. If you and your partner or prospective partner complete the same list, you can then compare your results to find out where your interests overlap.

You can find numerous free Yes/No/Maybe lists online. I like this one by Bex Talks Sex!

Consume Erotic Content

Erotic content such as ethical porn, written erotica, and audio erotica can be great ways to explore your interest in kink, whether you consume it alone or with a partner. If you consume a wide array of content you might even discover new things that interest you!

Remember: porn and erotica are entertainment, not instruction. They can help you to understand your kinks, but they are not a blueprint for how to do it in real life. Finding something hot in fiction also doesn’t mean you need to do it in real life. If you have a fantasy that you’d prefer stayed a fantasy, that is completely valid.

Get Involved in Your Local Kink Community

Wherever you are in your personal kink journey, there are so many great reasons to seek out your local community.

Firstly, you’ll make friends. Kinky friends can be utterly invaluable, particularly when you’re new and exploring. It’s considered poor etiquette to treat kink spaces as your personal cruising grounds, but if you’re looking for a partner or play partner then making authentic connections and building a solid reputation in the kinky community is a great place to start.

Being active in your local community is the best way to find out about events, get vetted, and get invited to awesome play parties!

You’ll also learn a lot. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about kinksters in my 16 years “on the scene” it’s that we’re fucking nerds. Want to enthuse about your favourite kinky thing? Desperate to show off your gorgeous new custom flogger or eager to learn how to tie someone up safely? The kink community is where you can make the kinds of friends who will relish these interactions.

Start by heading out to your local munch or finding a class on a kinky activity that interests you.

Talk About Your Fantasies

If you have a partner or partners, talking about your fantasies can help you both/all to learn more about your kinks. Talking about fantasies can be a safe way to ease into trying them out. It can also be a hot precursor to sex.

Want to talk about your kinks but don’t have a partner to do it with? Try joining some discussion groups for your interests on Fetlife or paying a professional phone sex/cyber sex provider to engage in some dirty talk with you.

Try Things Out

Sometimes there’s no substitute for just trying something to see if you like it. If you think you might be into a particular kink, why not grab a consenting partner and give it a go? (You can also explore many elements of BDSM alone, by the way, but that’s a subject for another post!)

Do your research beforehand so you know how to stay safe. Establish a safeword or safe signal. Discuss desires, hard and soft limits, and boundaries. Go as slowly as you need to. Most importantly, check in regularly and communicate with your partner or partners at every stage. Grab a beginners’ bondage kit to start trying things out without spending a fortune.

And remember: kink and BDSM is a journey. You don’t need to have all the answers now or ever. Evolving, growing, changing, and reevaluating is part of the deal and part of the fun. Let the adventure take you where it will!

This post was kindly sponsored by Fetish.com and their BDSM test! All views and writing are, as always, mine.

Header image for a post on kink party outfit ideas and what to wear to a play party

Kink Party Outfit Ideas: What to Wear to a Play Party

Published on by Amy

When people are getting ready to attend their first kink party, one of the most frequency asked questions is “what the hell do I wear!?” What to wear to a play party can feel like a minefield, but it’s not as complicated as it seems. In this post I’ll dispel some common myths as well as share some kink party outfit ideas to get you inspired. I’ve also included some links to some of my favourite pieces and stores.

Check the Dress Code

Some parties and events have their own dresscode. These can be anything from very broad and general to highly specific. Events with very specific dress codes are generally those geared around a particular kink which relates in some way to the dress code – for example, clothed Dom/naked sub events or those for latex fetishists. Some may even have fun fancy dress themes.

Many events will simply state “fetishwear”, “make an effort”, “smart black minimum”, or “no jeans or trainers.” Within the dress code or general guidelines, you’re free to be as creative as you like.

Check out the Fetlife page for your chosen event, if they have one. You may see pictures that past attendees have shared of their outfits, which can provide some inspiration, or example pictures for what constitutes suitable attire.

What is “Fetishwear?”

Fetishwear is a pretty broad term. In short, though, it refers to anything out-of-the-box, provocative, sexualised, or in some way over-the-top or extreme. Certain fabrics, such as leather, latex, rubber, PVC, and wet-look styles are commonly seen in fetishwear.

Highly structured items such as corsets as well as revealing clothing such as lingerie may also be considered fetishwear. Certain types of detailing, such as straps, studs, or spikes, can add a fetishy vibe to your kink party outfit.

Kinky or sexualised accessories and BDSM wear such as collars and cuffs, body harnesses, stockings, and extreme footwear can fall into this category, too.

Do I Have to Spend a Lot of Money?

Nope!

There are some kink events that have a reputation for being picky to the point of snobbish about the dress code, putting expectations on attendees that are financially prohibitive to many. I recommend avoiding those events unless spending hundreds of £/$ on an outfit is part of the fun for you.

For most kink events, there is no expectation that you spend a lot of money. In fact, you can likely get something suitable on sale or even put together an outfit from pieces you already own if money is a concern for you.

Do I Have to Show a Lot of Skin?

No!

Well, not usually. Again, there are a small number of events where this is expected as part of the event theme (such as clothed Dom/naked sub events.) As a general rule, though, there is no expectation to get naked or to show off any more of your body than you feel comfortable with.

You probably will see people naked or wearing very skimpy outfits. But you’ll also see people in full length dresses or skirts, trousers or suits, or outfits that are sexy but not revealing (for example, catsuits.)

In short, at the vast majority of kink events you can show as much or as little skin as you like. Some events do have restrictions on genital nudity due to venue licensing, so always check if you are planning a very skimpy outfit.

The Classics: Lingerie, Corsetry, Kilts, LBDs and More

There are some types of outfit you’ll see again and again at kink events and play parties, and which are almost always appropriate. Lingerie (such as bra-and-panties sets, bodysuits, and chemises), corsets, kilts, suits, and little black dresses will usually be absolutely fine.

In some spaces, black jeans and a button-down shirt or the kind of dress you’d wear to go clubbing will also be acceptable.

Latex, Leather and Rubber, Oh My!

Certain fabrics have specifically kinky connotations: latex, leather, rubber, PVC, and so on. If any of these fabrics appeal to you, they can be a great starting point for an outfit.

You don’t need to shell out a lot of money unless you want to. A PVC/leather-look piece of the kind available at many sex shops is a great alternative to more expensive real leather. Lovehoney’s Easy-On Latex items are an affordable alternative to the price-tag of custom latex that I wear regularly. They’re also a great choice for those of us who are too clumsy to want to risk traditional latex (hi!)

You can also invest in a single piece, such as a leather corset or pair of trousers or a latex top, and then build your outfit around that from cheaper items or things you already own. Even an accessory made of one of these fabrics, such as latex suspenders, gauntlets or a pair of gloves, can give a nod to these fetishes without the cost of a full outfit.

Accessorise to Impress

I wear a lot of the same outfits again and again to different parties. What I like to do, though, is accessorise them differently. A few appropriate accessories can really elevate your outfit and allow you ro express your kinky self.

Think about:

My current kinky accessory obsession? These amazing hand harnesses. I’ve worn them with everything from dungarees to a corset, and I love them. I also like to finish off my party outfit with a perfume that matches my vibe for the night, whether it’s something sweet and flirty or sultry and sensual.

Let’s Talk Shoes

One common misconception is that women or femme-presenting people have to wear heels in kink spaces. This isn’t the case at all. I very rarely wear heels to kink parties because, well, they fucking hurt and I have chronic pain in my feet anyway without making it worse.

Of course, you can wear those sky-high heels if you like. But if you’d rather not, you can also opt for low heels or for flat shoes/boots. Just make sure they’re clean, polished, and go with your outfit. If in doubt, you’ll rarely go wrong with a nice pair of plain black shoes or boots in your preferred style.

Statement shoes can also be fun, if that’s your thing. My turquoise glitter flats get a lot of outings with various outfits! You’ll also likely see footwear brands such as New Rocks, Doc Martens, Koi, and their various equivalents in kink spaces.

Hair & Makeup

If you’re the kind of person who likes doing fun things with your hair and/or makeup, a kink party is a great chance to go wild. Why not experiment with a new temporary hair colour (or a wig), a fabulous eye makeup look, a bold lipstick, or even something more outlandish such as glitter or body-paint?

Nails can be a fun place to express your style, too. I often get my nails done before a big event and I usually opt for something ostentatious and over the top (typically with sparkles and lots of colour.) Of course, a striking black or classic red polish are also great options.

If makeup, nail polish and fancy hairstyles aren’t your thing, that’s cool too! Just make sure your hair is washed and your nails are clean, and you’ll be fine.

Wear Your Kink

Collars are perhaps the most common accessory you’ll see people wearing in kink spaces. If you have a collar you love (whether it’s associated with a specific relationship or not) then wearing it can help you to get into a kinky headspace. You can add a leash, too, if you like.

You can also do amazing things with rope. If you know how to tie a basic arms-out rope harness, it can be a beautiful addition to give an outfit a kinky twist. Rope gauntlets, rope corsets, and rope dresses are also popular. The possibilities are endless, especially if you invest in some beautiful colourful rope.

Other good options include chastity devices, pet play gear (such as ears, masks or tails), strap-on harnesses, decorative cuffs, nipple clamps, and gags.

Consider Practicality

That latex outfit might look amazing, but if it takes 30 minutes to get in and out of it, is it the best choice for an event where you’re going to want to get naked to play or get in the hot tub? You might love your favourite corset, but is it practical for moving around in as you flog or tie up your partner?

Don’t forget to think about what you might want to do at the party and factor these practicalities into your kink party outfit choice.

Consider the weather, too. If it’s 35°C out, you probably don’t want to wear a full latex catsuit. (Ask me how I know.)

Don’t Overthink It

This is a lot of information and a lot of things to think about as you plan your kink party outfit. A play party can be a great place to experiment with different modes of presentation and tap into your most authentic self.

The most important thing in deciding what to wear to a play party is that it makes you feel good. You won’t have a good time if you feel like you’re pretending to be someone you’re not.

Here are my five golden rules for putting together an amazing kink party outfit:

  • Check the dress code, follow it, and ask the organisers if in doubt
  • Make an effort and get creative
  • Wear something that makes YOU feel amazing, focusing on being authentic and true to yourself
  • Don’t forget the details, from accessories and shoes to hair and makeup – they can lift your entire look!
  • Think about the practicalities.

This is supposed to be fun, so enjoy yourself no matter what you decide to wear.

This post contains affiliate links. All views, as always, are mine.

Row of cocktails, header for a post on the people you'll meet at a BDSM munch

Eleven People You Might Meet at a BDSM Munch

Published on by Amy

I’ve got so many posts in drafts right now, many of them intensely personal and emotionally loaded. I want to tell you all about that time I got an STI, why casual sex feels complicated for me even as it’s something I also really desire, and my reflections on fifteen years of relationships that exist off the map of societal norms.

This isn’t any of those posts. I’ve tried to finish and publish them all this week, but they’re either currently feeling too vulnerable or just not quite coming together in the way I want them to. So you’ll have to wait for those, sorry!

Instead, because I went to my local one last night, you’ve got my slightly snarky reflections on the people you’re likely to meet at a BDSM munch. For those who don’t know, a BDSM munch is a social gathering of kinky people (typically in a vanilla location such as a pub, bar, or restaurant) for the purposes of making friends and building community.

Obligatory disclaimer: this is an attempt at humour and should be read in a slightly tongue in cheek fashion. Your observations and experiences may vary.

The Host

I hope you meet this person, because if you don’t they’re probably not doing their job.

Any good BDSM munch has an active host (or team of hosts). They’ll be the people who booked the venue, advertised the event online, and maybe answered your questions if you messaged them beforehand.

Their job is to welcome newcomers, facilitate the space, maintain any rules or code of conduct, and ensure that everyone feels safe and has a good time. It’s also their responsibility to sort out any problems such as attendees overstepping consent boundaries or behaving inappropriately.

The Regulars

For these people, going to a munch is just like going to the pub with friends because the attendee list is basically their social circle. Might be heard asking after each other’s spouses, jobs, kids, dating adventures, and other Real Life Shit.

The Creep

Usually a cis man and usually a Dominant, though there are exceptions, this person gravitates towards Nervous Newbies (see below) like a moth to a flame. May particularly target new, young submissive women.

They might try to pick you up, assert a D/s dynamic where none exists, touch you, or get in your personal space without consent. Best avoided. If they overstep a line or make you uncomfortable, speak to the host or a regular.

The Ostentatiously M/s Couple

They didn’t get the memo that this is a vanilla space. Perhaps the s-type kneels at their Master or Mistress’s feet on the sticky pub floor. Perhaps the Owner bends their pet over a table and spanks them in full view of the people trying to have a quiet after-work pint at the next table. The s-type probably either speaks exclusively in the third person (“this slave is pleased to meet you”) or isn’t permitted to speak at all.

Don’t be these people unless you want to be responsible for getting the munch kicked out of the bar. Wearing a discreet collar is likely fine, full-on play in public is not.

The Social Butterfly

Hi, I’m this person!

The Social Butterfly loves people and wants to chat to EVERYONE. You’ll get their undivided attention and be the only person in the room they see… for about four minutes. But so will everyone else.

They’ll probably bounce up and give enthusiastic hugs when their friends walk in, and be one of the first people to introduce themselves to anyone they don’t recognise. Imagine a particularly sociable puppy with ADHD and you’ve got this person.

The Nervous Newbie

Maybe this is you?

They’re attending a BDSM munch for the first time and they’re not sure what to expect. Depending on their personality, they might hang back and observe or dive right in. Relax – outside of a few simple ground rules there’s no right or wrong way here. Just learn basic munch etiquette, be yourself, and if in doubt speak to the host and let them know you’re new and nervous.

The Venue Owner/Event Organiser/Pro Who is Mostly There to Plug Their Stuff

I’m calling myself out here, I might also be this person a little bit on occasion.

They run a party or conference, have their own dungeon, or work as a Pro Dom/Domme, and they’re here to network! They might be seen wearing a branded t-shirt, handing out flyers, or proudly extolling the virtues of whatever it is they’re promoting. They’ve got their spiel down to the point that it sounds totally natural and unrehearsed… until you hear them reciting it twenty more times.

The Unicorn Hunters

Almost inevitably a male Dominant with a female submissive (likely decades younger than him), these two are on the hunt for additional submissive women for the dude’s “stable.”

She will be used as bait and she might not even be into women, but just performing a safe and male-gaze-centric form of bisexuality for his entertainment. There’s a One Penis Policy (of course!) and anyone who isn’t interested in what they’re offering will be derided as a “fake.” They’ll probably come to about four events, then leave in a huff when they don’t find anyone to be their live-in housekeeper-slash-sex-doll.

The Wise Elder

They’ve been kinky since before half these attendees were born but they won’t tell you that unless you ask directly how long they’ve been in the lifestyle. And yes, they’ll probably call it The Lifestyle unironically.

They have a wealth of knowledge to impart, but they’re humble about it. They reject the label of “expert” and believe we’re all just imperfect humans learning as we go. This person has a lot they could teach you. Listen to them.

The Not So Wise Elder

They’ve been kinky since before half these attendees were born and they want you to know it. They’ll grumble about how “young people today just don’t know what REAL S&M is.” (And yes, they’ll refer to all kink as S&M unironically.)

They have a lot of knowledge to impart whether you want it or not, and most of it will be wrong. They will refer often and wistfully to The Old Guard or The Good Old Days. High likelihood that they and The Wise Elder have lowkey hated each other since the seventies.

The Dude Who is Definitely Cheating on His Wife

He’s got to be discreet. Very discreet, because he has a very important top secret job his wife definitely doesn’t know about his shenanigans. There will be a deep groove on the third finger of his left hand from a hastily-removed wedding ring. He’ll avoid any questions about his relationship status, if he doesn’t just outright lie about being single/separated/divorced/widowed/in an open marriage.

Wants to be your 24/7 Daddy Dom but can only see you from 3-5pm on alternate Thursdays because he’s very busy and important that’s when she thinks he’s playing golf with his old university roommate.

So there you have it, the people you might meet at a BDSM munch. Think I missed any? Recognise yourself in any of these? Let me know! FYI: this post contains an affiliate link.

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Five Fabulously Femme Things I Wore to Eroticon 2023

Published on by Amy1 Comment

I’m now home after my trip to London for Eroticon 2023, my fourth Eroticon overall and the first one back since before the pandemic. I’ve returned brimming over with ideas, inspiration, and gratitude for these amazing people (the #eroticommunity?) and this magical space where we can all come together.

There are lots of things I want to say and do post-Eroticon, and there will be more content coming in the next few days. But one of the most joyous things about this weekend was getting to femme it up to the max and wear some things that make me feel gloriously myself.

I’ve been wanting to write more about femme things and femme identity for a while, so this seems like a good place to start. Here’s the story behind five things I wore to this year’s Eroticon.

The Bat Dress

Rule the Night bat dress by Heartless

Mr C&K found this dress for me in our local branch of Blue Banana and I immediately knew I needed to own it. Between the bats (insert “batting for both” joke here) and the multi-coloured pink/purple/blue tie-dye, it just feels like a supremely bisexual garment to me. It got its first outing at BiCon 2022 and it always makes me happy to wear it.

Plus it has pockets. Yay pockets.

Dress is “Rule the Night” by Heartless.

Sapphic Pride Necklace

Sapphic pride necklace by The Gay Glass Stall

I recently wrote about feeling increasingly connected with the term “sapphic” to describe my sexuality. It feels like a joyful way to claim and centre my attraction to women and to intentionally remove the male gaze from my queerness.

I found this gorgeous glass sapphic pride necklace at the BBB just last month, and I’ve worn it most days since. I almost never see this particular flag on merchandise, so it’s lovely to own and wear a little bit of sapphic pride.

Necklace is by The Gay Glass Stall.

Rainbow Ears

Fluffy rainbow cat ears, Pride cat ears

Being a pseudonymous blogger, I wear one of the “no photos” lanyards at Eroticon. However, I was amused to see that one of my ears had made it into the corner of this photo by Calandra Balfour.

I wore cat ears at my very first Eroticon, where I thought that they might help me to feel less shy and maybe act as a conversation starter. What I did not expect was that they’d become a sort of calling-card that I’d be known and remembered for years later. This fluffy rainbow set seemed the only appropriate choice for an Eroticon taking place during Pride month!

Rainbow cat ears were from Ice Nine.

Face Glitter

Glitter makeup pots

I just really like glitter, okay? After trying on lots of different ways to describe my aesthetic and presentation goals, I eventually settled on #sparklefemme. This involves leaning into the more glittery and over-the-top elements of the femme aesthetic in a way that feels quite deliberately queer. Getting to be outwardly sparkly during Eroticon helped me to feel more inwardly sparkly, too.

I particularly enjoyed getting to make other people glittery at the evening socials, including my flatmate for the weekend Violet, Exhibit A and Livvy as well as their daughter M, and Girl on the Net. And for anyone who might be reasonably concerned about the environmental impact, don’t worry – biodegradable glitter only here!

Face glitter set came from Etsy. That particular brand no longer seems to be available but there are lots of similar alternatives.

Sparkly Turquoise Shoes

Sparkly turquoise Irregular Choice shoes

I absolutely adore these shoes. They “go” with pretty much nothing, and yet I will happily wear them with almost anything. I got so many compliments on them over the weekend and it made me happy to wear them.

I have a chronic pain condition in my feet which means that wearing heels for any length of time is difficult for me and can leave me in pain for days. Sadly, this can mean that a lot of fabulous shoes are off limits. So finding sparkly, glittery, gorgeous footwear in FLATS is always an exciting things.

Sparkly shoes are an old style from Irregular Choice’s “Bed of Roses” line that I picked up for £8 on Vinted.

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Eroticon 2023 might be over, but you can read everyone’s post-event content over at the linkup and check out the official hashtag if you want to learn more about the event and what happened there.

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Your First Kink Party: What to Expect

Published on by Amy3 Comments

I’ve been going to kink parties (also known as play parties) for well over a decade and have learned a few things in my time. I’ve also organised or been a member of the crew for some parties. Whenever I’m crewing, I get emails from nervous attendees who are coming to a kink party for the first time. They want to know the rules, what to expect, and how to behave.

And I completely understand this. Being in a new type of space, in a community with its own norms and history, can be daunting. So that’s why I thought I’d put together a quick guide to what you need to know before you go to your first kink party.

You Will See All Kinds of People

Kinksters are a diverse bunch. You’ll meet people of different genders, ages, sexualities, races, body types, and abilities.

We don’t all look like supermodels (or like the characters in that scene in Eyes Wide Shut) and a reputable event will never ask you to provide pictures beforehand or accept/reject you based on your looks or any demographic factors. (The one exception here is that some events limit the numbers of single men who can attend each time, but this is more common in the swing lifestyle than in kink.)

So relax: whoever you are, you’ll fit in and be welcome. Be kind, friendly, and inclusive to everyone you meet, and you can’t go far wrong.

You Will See All Kinds of Play

Different BDSM parties have different rules about what is allowed. If in doubt, you should always ask. Some events allow genital nudity and sexual contact, others don’t (this is often a venue restriction or licensing issue.) Some allow physically or psychologically edgy play such as needle play, fire play, or consensual non-consent, while others do not. You might see activities such as rope bondage, impact play, sensation play, Dominant/submissive dynamics, leather dynamics, service, and so on.

If you are attending an event for a specific dynamic (for example, Dominant women and submissive men) then playing in a different dynamic may not be appropriate for that event. In general, though, you should expect to see people playing in a range of different configurations.

If you’re not comfortable seeing a particular type of play, it is your responsibility to remove yourself from the space where it is happening. It’s always okay to quietly and respectfully leave a space. It’s never okay to make derogatory comments or kink-shame others.

You Don’t Have to Do Anything You Don’t Want To

Whether you attend alone, with friends, or with a partner or partners, there is never any obligation to play at a kink party. Good parties do not place any expectations on attendees about the kinds of activities they get up to. If you want to just sit and watch scenes from a respectful distance, that’s fine. If you want to chat to people in the bar, chill out in the hot tub, or dance the night away on the dancefloor, that’s great too! And if you do want to play, it’s totally up to you whether you approach other attendees for possible scenes (or accept any invitations that come your way) or just play with the person/people you came with.

You might be asked to play, or to participate in other activities (such as being touched, watching a scene, receiving a service, having a drink, or playing a game.) It’s always okay to say “no thank you” and, if anyone pressures you, speak to a Dungeon Monitor (DM), other member of staff, or the organiser. Reputable play parties have a zero tolerance policy to any kind of boundary pushing or harrassment.

You Might Not Get to Do Everything You Want to Do

Conversely, you may go into a kink party with a specific idea of how you want it to go, and you might not get to do everything you want to do.

Paying for entry to a party does not guarantee you play, or a specific kind of play. If you’ve attended with a partner, you can make plans together but these might need to change on the fly for any number of reasons. And if you’re attending alone, you might meet someone to play with… or you might not. I’ve been on the kink scene for 14 years and I don’t play at every event I attend. This is incredibly normal.

It’s important to go in with realistic expectations. Being too rigid in your hopes for the night is a recipe for disappointment.

Some Basic Etiquette Will Go Far

As I’ve already said, each kink event has its own rules, quirks, and norms. Always ask about specific rules for the party you’re attending. However, there are some consistent points of community etiquette that you should learn and observe at any event you go to. These include:

  • Never touch a person or their equipment without permission.
  • No means no, but anything other than a clear and unambiguous “yes” ALSO means no.
  • Do not assume a dynamic where none exists (for example, by giving orders to a submissive or using honorifis for a Dominant without clear negotiation and consent.) Treat everyone as an equal and with respect, regardless of role.
  • Never interrupt a scene in progress. A scene includes set-up and aftercare. If you see something that worries you from a safety or consent perspective, speak to a DM or the organiser. Always be aware that, even if something looks scary, there is likely a lot of background context that you cannot see.
  • If you’re watching scenes in progress, keep a respectful distance and be quiet. If you want to chat, move to the social space. Staying out of the way is also for your safety – no-one wants to take the backswing of a leather flogger to the face.
  • Do not take any photographs or recordings without permission. Many events will insist that you leave your phone and any other devices in your locker or car. This is for everyone’s privacy and safety.
  • Embrace the philosophy of YKINMKBYKIOK: “Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay.”

Soak Up Opportunities to Learn

Some kink parties take place as part of a kinky conference or other educational event. Others offer newbie orientations, workshops, or talks on specific aspects of kink during the course of the night. If any of these opportunities exist, make the most of them. Hearing experts talk about what they do best is one of the most effective ways to learn and grow as a kinkster.

You can also learn from events in a more informal manner. For example, as you get chatting to people in the bar you’ll have a chance to ask more experienced players about their experiences. And if you see someone doing an activity or playing with a toy that looks interesting? Ask them about it! (Wait until they’ve finished their scene and any takedown and aftercare, of course.)

Kinksters, by and large, are nerds. We are geeky and passionate about the things we do. If you politely and respectfully approach someone to ask them about a particular activity or implement, most will be only too happy to talk to you about it.

Don’t forget to thank them for sharing their time and expertise… or offer to buy them a drink to say thanks!

It’s Best Not to Make Assumptions

If kink is one thing, it is endlessly surprising. As a community, we pride ourselves on being diverse and open-minded. Even so, we’re still humans living in the world, so sometimes unchecked assumptions can creep in. Just this weekend, I was at an event with a male-presenting friend. People assumed not only that we were a couple but that I was his submissive, based on nothing but our outward appearances. Conversely, I’ve attended events with girlfriends in the past and consistently been read as “just friends.”

In general, try to avoid making assumptions about people’s relationships, sexuality, kink roles, or interests based on how they look. There are more things in heaven, earth, and kink than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

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How to Vet a Dom Before You Play

Published on by Amy2 Comments

I meet a lot of new and curious submissives through this blog and events in my local kink community. The question they ask me most often? How to find a Dom. But finding someone is just the first step. It’s also essential to understand how to vet a Dom before you play with them or begin any kind of kinky relationship.

Vetting is a process of getting to know someone and establishing that they are who they say they are and that they’re safe to play with or date.

How to Vet a Dom: 5 Ways

The kink community is not a utopia. It consists of people. Some of those people will be wonderful, others will be awful, and most will be somewhere between those two extremes. Submitting to someone, sexually or in a kink scene, is vulnerable and requires a lot of trust. That’s why vetting is essential; it allows you to understand who someone really is before you get too invested.

Meet in a public place first

If you’re meeting someone in person for the first time (say, if you’ve met them online) then always have your first meeting in a public place like a bar, restaurant, or coffee shop. Even if you’ve met at an event such as a BDSM munch or rope bondage workshop, having a date in a public place the first time you meet one-to-one is a good idea.

This lets you get to know them as a person in a safe and low-pressure environment. It also ensures you can leave relatively easily and have other people around if things go sideways.

If a prospective Dom balks at meeting in public, that’s a glaring red flag in a kinky relationship. It can indicate anything from not wanting to be seen in public because they’re cheating on a spouse to wanting to get you alone so they can cause you harm.

Ask for references

If your prospective Dominant has been in the kink community for a while, others will know them and probably have an opinion on them. Try asking some regulars in your local scene to see what they can tell you about this person. If in doubt, the organiser of a munch they attend regularly is a good place to start.

When vetting, it’s best to get a range of opinions if you can. One person’s view can be clouded either positively or negatively, but patterns of data are far more useful. Of course, if you hear anything really damning (such as that the person has a history of behaving abusively), pay very close attention to that.

Kinksters are used to people vetting potential Doms (and submissives) and generally support it. Your local community leaders won’t think it’s weird if you say “hey, I’m thinking of playing with X and I wondered if you have any insight on what they’re like as a person or a player?”

Pay attention to small signs

When you’re trying to vet a Dom, one of the best things you can do is simply pay attention. If you look closely, you can learn a lot about a person from the ways they interact with you, other people, and the world around them. Remember that a BDSM relationship is still a relationship first and foremost.

For example, do they generally speak to others at the munch with respect and courtesy, or do they assume that all submissives are fair game to be degraded and spoken down to? If you go out for coffee or a meal, how do they treat the waitstaff? Do they have hobbies, interests, and friends that they can talk about? Do they seek consent as a matter of course (for example, by asking before touching or hugging you for the first time?)

Here’s a trick a friend taught me: set a small boundary early on. This can be anything from “I’m not comfortable with pet names” to “I have to leave by six to get to work.” Do they respect and honour it? How a Dominant responds to a clearly stated boundary tells you an enormous amount about them and how they’ll treat you if you continue in a relationship.

Introduce them to your friends

Friends can sometimes spot things that we’re oblivious to when we have a crush on someone (or are deep in sub frenzy). If you’re not sure how to vet a Dom or if your perceptions are accurate, introduce them some of your trusted friends when you can. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends for their honest opinions. And then listen to them!

I’ve had friends introduce me to their new partner or prospective partner and immediately had a feeling of “urgh, no, there’s something off about this person”, even if I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what the problem was. I call this sense The Vibes and it’s accurate a shocking percentage of the time. Other times, I’ve thought how happy and relaxed my friend seems around their new sweetie.

Play at an event first

So you’ve vetted your potential Dom, they seem okay and you’re wanting to get kinky. My recommendation at this stage? Play at an event first. Not everyone likes events or has access to them due to finances or geography. But if this is an option for you, it can be safer to wplay with a new Dom for the first time at a kink party.

Reputable kinky play events usually have staff, such as organisers and Dungeon Monitors (DMs), who will keep an eye on what’s happening and step in if necessary. For example, many events have “house safewords” but in practice, a DM will pay attention to anything that sounds like a withdrawal of consent. Playing at a party means that, even if you’re in a vulnerable position such as being restrained, you’ll have someone looking out for you.

Remember: people can still fool you

Unfortunately, some people are good at seeming affable and safe while being anything but. You might learn how to vet a Dom and do everything you reasonably can, but still end up hurt. Regardless of what vetting precautions you did or didn’t take, if another person chooses to harm you the fault is theirs. You are not to blame.

Vetting is ultimately one tool that helps to keep us safe. It’s far from perfect, and it works best alongside other tools such as robust negotiation, mutual community care, and scene safeguarding. Even so, it’s one of the most powerful ways you have at your disposal to reduce your risk.

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Free Entry: Stop Making Women Your Product

Published on by Amy2 Comments

You know that saying, “if you’re not paying for it, you’re not the customer, you are the product?” While this was originally applied to the likes of Facebook and other “free” platforms that make money by harvesting and selling data, I’ve realised it also applies to parts of the swinging and kink scenes. And I do not like it.

The gendered pricing model

Gendered pricing models are sadly extremely common in the swinging world in particular. One club I won’t name charges £35 per visit for a (cis male/female) couple, £50 for a single man, and £5 for a single woman.

For these purposes, a lesbian couple would be considered two single women and a gay male couple would be… well, a gay male couple would probably be discouraged from attending at all, to be honest, but if they did they’d be charged as two single men.

Again, this isn’t unusual. This is the norm. Some venues charge single men even more, £100 or more for a single visit. Others don’t charge single women at all, and might even add other incentives – such as free drinks – to tempt them in.

Wait, how is this fair?

Honestly, it isn’t.

If these venues want to ensure something of a gender balance, there are other ways to do that. Limiting the number of tickets for single men is one common strategy (again, remember these places are extremely cisheteronormative.)

But I don’t believe gendered pricing is the way to do it. For one thing, it creates a situation where only cis m/f couples are considered “real” couples, as I mentioned above. For another, it makes many events financially challenging or completely inaccessible for the single men on these scenes, most of whom are perfectly decent, respectful guys who just want to have some fun with other consenting adults.

But do you know what else it does? It turns women into a product.

What does “free entry” really cost?

Why are swingers’ clubs (and some kink venues) so desperate to get women in? It’s not because they care so much about being safe places for exploration of female sexuality. No – it’s because we act as bait for the higher-paying men and couples.

I’ve seen more than one situation where a man (or sometimes a couple) has paid a high entry price and now feels “owed” something – a conversation, attention, a blowjob, a shag. And who suffers for this entitlement? The women it’s enacted upon. This entitlement can lead to pressure, coercion, or even sexual assault. Suddenly, that “free entry” can come at a very steep cost indeed.

Some men feel as though they are being disenfranchised and discriminated against by having to pay high entry fees, while women get in for free or a nominal cost. What they don’t realise is how frightening it can be when you understand that you’re the product at least as much as you are the customer.

The argument for equal pricing

There are several really positive things I think would happen if we abolished gendered pricing models across these events:

  • They would become far more welcoming to trans folks, non-binary people, and queer couples.
  • It would largely get rid of the problem of some men thinking “well I paid £100 to be here so now I’m owed something.”
  • It would stop the problem of pricing out decent men based on the (extraordinarily classist and completely untrue) belief that the “right kind” of man for these spaces is a man who can afford a very expensive cover charge.
  • And… more single women would probably attend.

That last one might sound counterintuitive, but stick with me. I mostly go to events with my partner, and I enjoy doing so. But if I was going to attend events alone, I would be far more inclined to attend events that use an egalitarian, non-gendered pricing model.

Why? Because non-gendered, per-person pricing doesn’t make me feel like a product. Because I want to interact with other adults as an equal, not a commodity they feel entitled to by virtue of their entry fee.

If you’re a woman or read as a woman, have you ever felt uncomfortable when a man buys you a drink and then seems to expect something in return? This is like that only worse. If a man has paid to enter the space and I haven’t, I’m automatically in a weaker position. It creates a sense of obligation. Because even though I’m a feminist and I know that I never owe a man a goddamn thing just because he buys me a drink (or pays for entry to a club), the patriarchal programming we’re all exposed to runs extremely deep.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years on the swing scene, it’s that free isn’t free. I’d much rather shell out £20 to get into an event than free entry and then be treated as part of the package that men are paying for with their higher entry fee.

If you enjoy posts like this, you can help me out by shopping with my affiliates (in the right hand sidebar) or buying me a coffee!

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6 Benefits of Going to a Kink Munch (Apart from Finding Partners)

Published on by Amy1 Comment

If you ask experienced kinksters for their advice on exploring the BDSM world for the first time, they’ll most likely advise you to find a kink munch to attend.

What is a BDSM Munch and What Happens There?

A BDSM or kink munch is a social gathering of kinksters, usually in a setting like a pub, bar, or restaurant. Munches are usually no-play spaces where people wear everyday clothing and get to know one another in a purely social setting.

Some munches have activities, such as icebreakers or getting-to-know-you games. Others are totally informal, just like going to the pub with a group of friends. Some are for particular demographics – such as submissives, under 35s, women and other marginalised genders, or queer folks – while others are open to everyone.

Almost all major cities have at least one munch, and many have several. I live in a medium-sized city and there are at least ten munches a month that I know of.

6 Benefits of Going to a Kink Munch

When they’re new to BDSM, many inexperienced kinksters want to jump straight into their first kink party or find a Dom or sub and get on with playing. I understand the desire but I think this is a mistake. Here are six reasons why I think a kink munch should be your first event, which have little or nothing to do with finding people to play with.

You’ll Make Friends

I’ve got dear friends I first met at munches who I hope will be in my life forever. Kinksters are a friendly crowd and we love helping newcomers find their feet. You’ll meet all kinds of people at a BDSM munch, and not everyone will be your new bestie, but keep an open mind and chat to as many people as you can.

The trick to making friends at a kink munch is to treat it like you would any other situation with new people. If in doubt, ask people about themselves, though avoid overly personal questions. Many kinky people are circumspect about sharing “real world” details about their lives.

Avoid intrusive sexual questions or starting out by asking someone what they’re into. If in doubt, “how long have you been in the community?” or “what do you like to do for fun outside of kink?” are generally safe starting points.

You’ll Build a Reputation

Kinky people like to protect our own, and many of us strive towards robust community safeguarding. That’s why kinky social standings can be made or broken on reputation. Fortunately, it’s pretty easy to start building a good reputation as long as you’re a basically decent person. Becoming a regular at your local kink community’s munch is a great way to do that.

Be friendly, kind, honest, respectful, and honour consent at all times (including small interactions like asking before hugging someone.) When you start playing, negotiate thoroughly and practice risk-aware consensual kink.

In other words, be the kind of person you’d want to be friends with and maybe play with.

You Might Get Invited to Better Parties and Events

Some kink parties are broadly open to anyone who buys a ticket. These can be great, but many other events are private, semi-private, vetted, or invite-only.

The key to getting invited to those events? Make friends, build a good reputation, and be the kind of person others want to be around. Open, social kink events like munches are the best way to do this. This won’t happen overnight, but be yourself and get to know other people as friends and you might soon have a shiny new kinky social life.

It’s a Safer Way to Vet People

If you’ve met someone you might like to play with, learning how to vet a Dom or a sub is a vital tool in staying safe. If you’ve been chatting online, meeting at a kink munch is a safe and low-pressure way to get to know someone. Or if you’ve met someone in the local community and are curious if they’re really as great as they seem, your new kinky friends will be well placed to let you know if your prospective Mr/Ms/Mx Right is a good person to get involved with.

You’ll Build Knowledge

Something to know about kinksters? We’re fucking nerds in the best possible way. Want to learn more about some cool kinky skill or implement you’ve come across, or just about BDSM and the community in general? Your local community is your best resource.

Generally speaking, we kinksters love to enthuse about our “thing” and share our knowledge with anyone who wants to listen. So open your mind, listen up, and get ready to learn all kinds of amazing things. And if you want to ask a particular person at the munch about a kink or activity you know they’re experienced in? Go for it.

A Kink Munch is a Safe Place to Be Yourself

As kinksters, we know that our sexuality lives on the fringes. We may not be able to be safely “out” about our proclivities to people in our lives. In addition, a large percentage of us are queer, trans, neurodivergent, disabled, or have other marginalised identities. This means that you are likely to find a community full of welcoming, accepting people.

In the right kink space, you don’t need to hide your sexuality, your gender, your social awkwardness, or your nerdy hobbies. You’re welcome exactly as you are.

Do you find my work useful? Sharing it on Bluesky or Fetlife or buying me a coffee is a great way to say thanks <3

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New to BDSM? How to Get Started

Published on by Amy

It’s New Years Eve, the time of new beginnings and new adventures. This is the very first post on this blog. So how better to get started than with some handy hints and tricks on… getting started? If you’re new to BDSM, read on to learn everything you need to know about dipping your toes in safely in this BDSM beginners’ guide.

First Step For Newcomers to BDSM: Get a Fetlife Account

If you have not yet stumbled across it, Fetlife is absolutely the place to be for all things kinky on the internet. It’s not “technically” a dating site, though people do use it that way (for better or worse). Instead, it’s a social networking site for kinksters. The “Facebook of Kink,” if you like.

Before you do anything else – before you go and buy a BDSM starter kit, before you jump on a kinky dating app – get yourself a Fetlife account.

It’s free to join Fetlife and you can give as much or as little information as you like. Paid accounts are available but the main benefit to a paid account is getting access to videos. All the most useful features are free and should be more than sufficient when you’re new to BDSM.

  1. Please don’t use your real name or give out any details more personal than which city you live in. (You can even lie about that if you’re really cautious, though I don’t recommend it because finding local people and events is a big part of the purpose of using Fetlife.)
  2. Put up a profile picture. It doesn’t have to be a face pic, but should be something that speaks to you or represents you (don’t steal other people’s work, though – that’s not cool). Your genitals are NOT a good profile picture, however proud of them you are.
  3. Join some groups related to your interests. Read lots. Listen. Learn. Don’t believe everything you read – the only One True Rule of Kink is that there are no True Rules of Kink (beyond “it is only for informed consenting adults,” of course).
  4. Reach out by message to some people local to you, particularly if they run events or seem very active and respected in the community. Remember: the goal is to make friends and find community at this stage, not to hook up.

Okay, You’ve Got a Fetlife Account. Good. Now Read, Read, Read!

Read posts on Fetlife. Find as many articles, essays and blogs as you can find (on kink in general or on your particular areas of interest.) Read books, watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts – however you prefer to get your information.

This isn’t a “one shot and done” homework assignment, by the way. You might be new to BDSM now, but I hope you will keep reading, listening and learning for as long as you’re involved in the lifestyle.

Being New to BDSM If You’ve Already Got a Partner or Partners

If you’re single, you can skip this section of the guide as this is written for BDSM beginners already in one or more relationships.

Firstly, if you haven’t already, you NEED to talk to your partner(s) about your interests.

I know how tempting it is, if these desires have been burning inside of you for months or years, to go out and explore them on the sly. We have a word for this, however, and that word is cheating. Most folks in the BDSM community take a dim view of people lying to and cheating on their partners, because this goes against the central ethos of informed consent.

It doesn’t need to be a big sit-down, drama-filled conversation. How about just, “hey, honey? I was thinking it would be really hot if you could be a little dominant in bed sometimes/if you let me spank you/if we explored tying each other up/-insert your interest here.- How do you feel about that?“

Hopefully, if your partner is communicative and sex-positive, they’ll be happy to have a conversation about it. That doesn’t mean the answer will be “yes,” necessarily, but you’ll have opened up a dialogue and that’s a huge step.

If they seem curious and excited to know more, talk to them about some of your fantasies and encourage them to have input with things they fantasise about. Explore this through sexting/cyber-sexing if it’s too scary or embarrassing to do it face-to-face at first. Read some erotica or watch some porn together that ticks your kinky boxes. Show them Fetlife, blogs, books and any other material you’ve found helpful. Go to a munch, talk or workshop together.

Explore a few light things first – always with a safeword, of course – and see how you go. Moving slowly, with lots of check-ins, negotiation, love and care is the way to have some really positive kinky experiences. Everything you want to try will still be there weeks, months or years down the line. You don’t have to do everything when you’re brand new to BDSM!

Get out into the community and make friends and build a kinky support network. More on that coming up shortly…

What If They Say No?

If your partner isn’t open to exploring things with you, don’t push. Beginners are often so keen to explore that they end up accidentally or intentionally pressuring their partners.

Give your partner time and space to process, ask open-ended questions, and express yourself honestly. If they’re not interested, is there any other way you can get your needs met? Perhaps with other partners, if you’re non-monogamous, or through opening up your relationship in some limited way if you’ve been monogamous until now? Perhaps with a professional?

If your partner is insistent there is no way your kinky needs can be met while in this relationship, I’m afraid you may have a very difficult decision to make – one which no-one else can make for you.

BDSM Beginners’ Guide If You’re New and Single

Those who already have a partner or partners can skip this section of the guide as it’s written for single BDSM beginners.

If you’re single, it can be really tempting, when you discover this kinky thing, to dive right into trying to find a Dom or sub to explore it all with. However, if you do that, you’re missing out some really important steps.

Hopefully you’ve started off your explorations by joining Fetlife and doing plenty of reading and learning. Perhaps you’ve even reached out to some local people. If not, go and do those things now.

Remember: your goal right now is to make friends and build a community. Partners and opportunities to play will follow. A bit of patience right now will set you up well in the long run, I promise.

Go to a munch, class, talk or workshop (more on this coming up in a minute!) Ask a trusted friend to go along with you if you’re scared.

Get Off the Internet: Getting Out There In Real Life

Yep. After extolling the virtues of Fetlife and all the great material you can find on the internet, the next step of this BDSM beginners’ guide is me telling you to get off the web and out into the world.

Find an event near you – a munch is ideal. A munch is an event in a vanilla location like a pub where kinksters meet up to socialise, hang out and make friends. Most major cities have at least one, and many small towns have them too. Search Fetlife with the name of your city or town to find out what’s going on. If you’re nervous, message the organiser – their Fet name should be listed – and ask if they’d mind introducing you to a few folks. Munch organisers typically do what they do because they love the community and want to give back to it, and most will be delighted to help you find your feet.

Other good events to go to are talks, workshops and classes on your area of interest, or even a kinky conference. These are often a greater time and financial investment than a simple munch, though, so you might want to wait a while before making this leap.

Munch Etiquette 101

Going to your first event when you’re a BDSM beginner is scary. The golden rules, though, are simple. Follow these and you’ll be fine.

  1. Dress and act appropriately. Basically, if it’s okay for a generic pub it’s okay at a munch. Leave the whips and the leather corsets at home. A t-shirt and jeans will be fine in most places, as will a nice shirt and slacks, a cute dress or skirt, or whatever you’d usually wear to meet friends for a drink/ Don’t try to play at a munch unless it’s specifically advertised as one where that’s okay. If in doubt, most events will have a dress code and possibly a code of conduct available online, or you can ask the organiser.
  2. Don’t be a creep. Don’t latch on to that one cute young just-barely-turned-18 girl. Don’t only talk to people of the age, gender and body type you fancy. Don’t ask people to play immediately or ask overly intrusive questions. People will notice and I promise, it’ll piss them off.
  3. Be yourself! Talk about your hobbies, your work, your family, how you came to kink… take your cues from others and just make friends the way you would in any other setting. If you’re shy, a good conversation starter is “I’m new to BDSM and this munch, have you been in the community for long?”
  4. Don’t drink too much or take any drugs.
  5. Don’t touch anyone without permission. Kinksters are often a touchy and huggy bunch, but remember there may be relational contexts you’re not familiar with. Always ask before hugging or otherwise touching anyone.
  6. Don’t be a dick. This covers so many bases. Be friendly, open and welcoming to everyone and don’t be afraid to admit you’re new, nervous and not sure what the protocol is.

Most of all, remember to have fun. If you can, gather the Fetlife names of people you talk to and ask their permission to friend them. (You can always follow up with a PM – “Hey, we met at the ABC Munch. I really enjoyed our conversation about XYZ. Would you like to be friends on here?”

Et voila! You’ve got the beginnings of a kinky community and circle of friends. Now – rinse and repeat. You’ll soon learn who your people are, who you really click with and who you don’t much care for. You don’t need to like everyone but you do need to be polite and civil to everyone (unless, of course, something serious like a consent violation occurs, but that’s beyond the scope of this particular post.)

And there you have it – you’ve made your first steps into Kinkland!

Doesn’t it feel great? I hope this BDSM beginners’ guide was helpful. Now go forth and be kinky, my friends.

Happy New Year.