Tag: kink and BDSM

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Long-Distance BDSM: 5 Ways to Keep Your Dynamic Alive When You’re Apart

Published on by Amy

Long-distance relationships can be challenging in all sorts of ways, from the emotional strain of missing each other to the expense and time involved in visits. Long distance BDSM adds another layer to this, and many kinky couples (whether their dynamic is 24/7 or not) find it hard to maintain their dynamic across the miles. If you’re trying to stay connected with your long distance sub or Dom and keep your dynamic alive, these tips might help you.

Long-Distance BDSM Tips for All Kinky Dynamics

I have some experience of long-distance relationships, including long-distance polyamory and long-distance BDSM, and so do many of my friends and loved ones. That means I’ve learned a few things about how to keep a kink dynamic alive and thriving no matter where you both are in the world.

Here are five things you might want to try. As always, take the ones that work for you and leave the ones that don’t.

Sext Each Other

Sexting is brilliant if, like me, you’re a wordy person. I love the anticipation when the other person is typing. I love tapping out my fantasies, planting ideas and imagery into my lover’s mind with my words. If you’re in a long-distance BDSM relationship, it’s easy to add a D/s element to your sexting. The Dominant partner can give the submissive partner instructions, or you can share fantasies of a scene you might like to do when you’re next together… or memories of one you already did.

There’s a kind of delicious collaboration that comes with building a scene or sexy story together in this way. Another advantage of sexting is that you can read the messages back at a later date if you want to.

Check out my tips for better sexting if you want to get better at fucking your partner with your words.

Have Phone Sex

Phone sex (or video call sex) is a bit like sexting, only more immediate and more visceral. You can hear your partner’s tone, hear their voice catch when you say something that really gets them, hear them gasp or moan as they touch themselves.

Long distance vibrators and other remote control toys can be a great addition to virtual or phone sex.

Instructions and Accountability for a Long Distance Sub

If your D/s relationship incorporates instruction or tasks outside of designated scene space, providing these from a distance can help to keep the submissive accountable and the long-distance BDSM dynamic strong.

This can take virtually any form you like. Instructions can be sexy (“send me a picture of your panties next time you go to the bathroom”), self-care based (“I want you to drink a pint of water before noon”), or anything else you can think of that fits your desires and context.

Plann and Negotiate Future Scenes

One nice thing about long-distance BDSM is that you have to be super intentional with your playtime. This means making plans, negotiating scenes, and talking about desires, limits, boundaries, and possibilities upfront. But BDSM negotiation isn’t just a necessity; it can also be a part of your dynamic in itself.

You know how, when you start planning a trip or vacation, you get those lovely feelings of excitement and anticipation about all the fun you’re going to have? It’s exactly the same when you start planning a kink scene you might play out in the future.

Not sure where to start? A Yes/No/Maybe list is a great way to get some ideas and find out more about where your kinks overlap.

Keep a Physical Reminder of Your Dynamic When You’re Apart

This is something I recommend for all long-distance relationships, but it can work particularly well for long-distance BDSM. A physical reminder – something you can look at, wear, touch, or hold – of your partner and your dynamic can help you to keep feeling connected and close when you’re apart.

A collar is an obvious example for a long distance sub, if that’s your thing. Other options could include a wearable such as a piece of jewellery or a pair of pet play ears, a kinky object such as a chastity device (or your partner’s device key), an item of your partner’s clothing or some of their perfume/cologne, a cuddly toy, a card or letter… whatever is most meaningful to the two of you and your dynamic.

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Several wooden spoons. For a post about pervertables and doing BDSM on a budget with household items

5 Pervertables You Probably Have in Your House Right Now

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Quality BDSM gear can be expensive. Sex shops sell some stuff, of course, though its quality is highly variable. A custom flogger or handmade paddle can cost anything from tens to hundreds of dollars. Many people simply don’t have that type of money and want to enjoy BDSM on a budget instead. Enter: pervertables.

What Are Pervertables?

Pervertables are innocuous everyday household items, reimagined and repurposed for kink. They are ideal for kinksters looking to do BDSM on a budget, anyone who is new to BDSM or wants to try a new type of sensation without blowing a lot of cash, or for those occasions when you find yourself somewhere without your toybag and want to have some fun.

And, of course, some pervertables can be sexy for their own sake. A lot of people fetishise, for example, the feeling and aesthetic of being spanked with a hairbrush.

Doing BDSM on a Budget? You Probably Have These 5 Pervertables in Your House Right Now

When it comes to using pervertables for BDSM and bondage at home, you’re limited only by your imagination and basic safety precautions. Here are five ideas for items you might have to hand right now that can have a kinky use.

Clothes Pegs

Clothes pegs are an amazing alternative to clamps and such an underrated kink toy! Choose the plastic ones with soft pads on the teeth if you’re after something less vicious. The wooden ones are often more pinchy. This can vary, though, so test them out on your finger before you apply them to anywhere more sensitive.

Use clothes pegs on nipples, labia, clits, cocks, or most sensitive fleshy areas. Keep them away from the face and neck. After a more intense or painful experience? Try putting a line of clothes pegs along your masochist’s back, tying them all together with string or twine, and pulling them all of at once. (Don’t surprise someone with this the first time you do it; it’s not for everyone, so always get consent first.)

Pro tip: the longer you leave clamps or pegs on, the more they’ll hurt when they come off.

Chopsticks

Chopsticks are another option for makeshift clamps. Simply squeeze a nipple (or other sensitive area) between two chopsticks and secure the ends with small elastic bands or hair ties. For a tighter squeeze, secure closer to the centre. To loosen them off, move the bands outwards.

Wooden Spoon

Arguably the ultimate household spanking implement, wooden spoons can deliver a surprisingly sharp and stingy sensation. Much like canes, their pain comes in waves – the initial sting when the blow hits, and then a second or two moments later as all the nerves fully register the impact.

Pervertables like wooden spoons are pretty safe when used on fleshy places like butts, but you should always start slowly and gently, checking in with your partner along the way. You’d be surprised how much they can hurt!

Hairbrush

Traditionally associated with over-the-knee spanking, hairbrushes remain enduringly popular impact implements. Different sizes, shapes and materials can feel very different, so make no assumptions, build up slowly, and communicate with your partner as you go about how it feels.

Ice

Ice is brilliant. You can use it on its own or alongside something like wax play for a fun temperature-based scene. You can run ice over your partner’s body for a cold tease, press it to a nipple or clit, or trail icy droplets all over them.

Ice play doesn’t have to be painful and can be purely sensual, but it definitely can be painful if that’s what you want. Typically, ice in sensitive places will become painful quite quickly. Keep the ice moving (i.e. don’t rest it on one spot for too long) and make sure that the bottom gets dried off and warmed up as quickly as possible after play.

…And 5 Things You Shouldn’t Use as Pervertables

All the pervertables and activities I’ve suggested here are relatively low risk as long as you communicate with your partner, practice risk-aware consensual kink (RACK), and observe some basic safety precautions such as understanding no-hit zones.

But there are also some things you absolutely should not use as pervertables. Here are a few of them:

Cable Ties

Cable ties (also known as zip ties) are not a safe way to restrain someone. They can tighten easily, cutting off circulation or causing nerve damage. They’re also thin bands of rough plastic, meaning there’s a high risk of them cutting or chafing the skin.

Household Candles

There are different schools of thought on this. Some people say that basic, unscented paraffin wax candles are okay. My stance, though, is it’s not worth the risk. Different wax blends and quality levels burn at different temperatures and it can be hard to know what you’re getting. Instead, choose wax play candles from a reputable maker or supplier.

Fruits and Vegetables

Please don’t insert fruits and veggies into your body. They can carry harmful bacteria, pesticides, or other contaminants which can lead to irritation or infection. They can also have rough or sharp areas which can cut you. It is particularly dangerous to insert anything without a flared base anally, as it could become stuck (leading to an embarrassing emergency room visit if not a serious injury.)

This applies to virtually any household items you might be tempted to insert, by the way. There are safe(r) ways to repurpose other items or make your own sex toy, but when you can get a basic silicone dildo for under $20, it’s just not worth taking risks with unsafe items.

Bamboo Garden Canes

Tempted to reach for one of those cheap bamboo gardening canes and repurpose it as a BDSM implement? Please, please don’t. Here’s why: when bamboo breaks, it splits horizontally along the shaft. This can result in razor-sharp long edges, putting the recieving partner at risk of a deep and dangerous cut.

Scarves

Scarves, particularly those made of slippery materials like silk, are popular “beginner bondage” materials for those wanting to practice BDSM on a budget. Unfortunately, they’re also far more dangerous than you think. They can easily tighten unintentionally, cutting off circulation, causing nerve damage, or making them difficult to undo quickly. Grab some basic jute or hemp rope and learn how to do some fundamental ties instead. You’ll be much safer.

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A set of traffic lights. For a post about safewords and other BDSM safety tools

Beyond Safewords: 8 BDSM Safety Tools You Can Use

Published on by Amy1 Comment

There are very few things in kink that I take an unshakeable hard line on. But as someone who is passionate about BDSM safety and more ethical ways of practicing kink, one of them is this: BDSM safewords are essential.

What Are Safewords?

Safewords are simple code words used in kink scenes that mean “stop.” They’re particularly useful for scenes in which words like “no” and “stop” may not be taken at face value as part of the game, but I recommend having one in place regardless of what type of kink you’re doing.

The best safeword is something that you can easily remember and wouldn’t otherwise say in a kink scene. The most commonly used safewords these days seem to be the traffic light system:

  • Red = “stop everything right now”
  • Orange/Yellow/Amber = “pause and check in”
  • Green = “everything is good, keep going”

Use these if they work for you, or come up with your own. Safewords I’ve used include canary, aardvark, and banana.

Beyond Safewords: Other BDSM Safety Tools

Safewords are vital but they are not the be-all/end-all of BDSM safety. That’s why I wanted to suggest a few other tools, tricks, and pieces of wisdom you might want to keep in your kink safety toolkit.

“No”: The Ultimate Safeword

In the absence of very explicit negotiation to the contrary, “no” is the ultimate BDSM safeword. Unless you and your partner have agreed that (for the duration of a scene, or during kinky play in general) “a ‘no’ is not to be taken at face value”, guess what?

No means fucking no.

A “Check In” or “Adjust” Word

I touched on this above as it forms part of the increasingly popular traffic light safewords system. If you need to pause, check in with your partner, or adjust something, a check-in word can help to facilitate this without bringing the entire scene to a screeching halt.

A check-in word is useful for moments when (for example) your leg has gone to sleep, you need to change positions but want to keep going, or you need to grab some more lube.

Really Robust Negotiation

BDSM negotiation is all about what happens before you start playing. It can be a long and involved process where you both fill in Yes/No/Maybe lists and compare your answers, a quick conversation before you begin, or anything in between. This all depends on your experience level, your existing dynamic or relationship if there is one, and the types of play you’ll be engaging in.

Of course, things can still go wrong. There’s no shame in that as long as everyone was operating in good faith. BDSM safewords are vital, but negotiating thoroughly reduces the chances you’ll need to use one and increases the likelihood of enjoying a fun scene where everything goes well.

A 1-10 Pain/Sensation Scale

This tool is particularly useful if you’re engaging in pain play of any kind, though it can be useful for any type of play that involves intense sensations. It’s a quick way to check in with a bottom or receiving partner and see how they’re feeling. As a general guideline, 1 means “I can barely feel that” and 10 means “I am at or very close to my limit and may safeword soon.”

As well as asking your partner what level they’re at, it’s also useful to ask them what level they want to be at. A hardcore masochist might want to get up to a 9 or 10 and stay there, while a lighter player may be happier staying at a much lower number. Of course, the desired level can also vary day to day and scene to scene.

Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication

If you and your partner know each other well, you probably know each other’s body language and non-verbal cues pretty well. Body-language is far from foolproof, and even people who have known their lovers for decades can get it wrong. But it’s also a major part of human communication and can be a valuable tool if you take the time to tune in.

Does he go silent when something is wrong? Do deep, guttural moans mean she’s having fun, but high-pitched squeaks mean she’s reaching her limit? Do they clench their fists when they’re having a tough time with something? Is crying good or bad?

References

If you want to play with a new person, it’s a good idea to scope out what their reputation is. Are they known to push boundaries or disregard safewords, or are they highly respected for their ethical and risk-aware play style? You can ask around your local kink scene or check with the organisers of events they go to. References, vetting, and community safeguarding are essential parts of enhancing BDSM safety for everyone.

Sadly, this method has its problems. How useful it actually is will likely depend a lot on your local scene politics. Unfortunately, some kink communities have a problem with protecting abusers, especially if the abuser is popular, charming, or good at throwing parties. Ask several people and if in doubt, seek a second opinion.

Safe Calls

Sadly, some people can be perfectly charming and seemingly safe players in public, but behave very differently behind closed doors. That’s why I recommend implementing a safe call if you’re going on a play-date or into a private space with a new person.

Agree to call, text, or otherwise contact someone (a friend, another partner, or a trusted person in your community) at a prearranged time to let them know you’re safe, and agree on what they will do if you fail to check in.

Aside from the obvious benefits of someone knowing where you are, who you’re with, and what to do if something goes wrong, setting up a safe call and informing your date about it can also tell you a lot about them. If you say “I need to call my friend by 4pm to let her know I’m safe,” a good play partner will say “sure, maybe set an alarm to remind yourself?” and not “what the fuck!? Don’t you trust me!? I’M A NICE GUY!!!”

A Spotter

Finally, we have a BDSM safety tool that I feel is underutilised but tremendously valuable. A spotter is a person who watches a play scene but is not directly involved unless they’re needed. For example, a more experienced rigger might observe a rope scene to make sure the tie is safe.

Using spotters is a brilliant way to minimise risk when you’re learning and trying new skills, but their usefulness extends beyond beginners. If you’re playing with someone new or someone you don’t know very well, having a trusted third party there can help to keep you safe. They can step in if boundaries are overstepped or safewords not adhered to. Someone who knows you, your body, and your reactions well is ideal. At a play party, a Dungeon Monitor (DM) may also be able to take on this role.

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BDSM Negotiation: 4 Valuable Tools to Help You

Published on by Amy2 Comments

One of the coolest things about kink is that it’s almost infinitely varied. Everyone’s interests, experience, and reality are completely different and there is more to explore than any of us will get to in a lifetime. This variety is also why BDSM negotiation is important.

Just because two people are kinky, you can’t assume that they’ll have many (or any) kinks in common. Kink negotiation is the process of figuring out what you want to do together, what’s off the table, and how you want to feel during your scene. Negotiation is a vital component of BDSM safety.

If you’re new to BDSM negotiation, it can feel forced or awkward at first. You might not be sure what to say or how to communicate your needs. If so, these tools should help you.

BDSM Negotiation Tool #1: A Comprehensive Yes/No/Maybe List

A Yes/No/Maybe list is a worksheet listing various kinky activities on which you can indicate whether you’re a yes, a no, or a maybe for engaging in each activity.There are hundreds of variations of the Yes/No/Maybe list available online. I like this one, which is pretty thorough and includes spaces to indicate your experience and level of interest.

You can either go through the together with your partner or prospective partner, or complete them separately and then swap lists to compare. Either way it’s a brilliant tool to get discussion flowing, figure out what kinks you have in common, and maybe discover some activities you didn’t know existed. (Ask me how I learned what “figging” and “rimming” are back in the day.)

BDSM Negotiation Tool #2: Pervocracy’s Concise Kink Worksheet

Yes/No/Maybe lists are great, but the good ones are also long. That’s why Cliff Pervocracy (one of the OG sex bloggers!) put together this “Concise Kink Worksheet“.

When you’ve established you have some compatible kinks and are wanting to get down to playtime, this sheet suggests some essential talking points to help you establish desires, limits, health and safety precautions, and what you want to get out of a scene.

BDSM Negotiation Tool #3: A BDSM Test

A BDSM test is an online quiz that asks you a series of questions to determine what kinky archetypes or roles you might be drawn to. I like this one from Fetish.com. If you’re not sure where to start, why not complete a quiz like this one and ask your partner to do the same, then compare your results and talk about what they mean for your kinky connection?

Remember not to take your results too seriously. It’s a guide, not a command. If the quiz tells you you’re a Mommy Domme but you identify more as a Mistress with a nurturing streak, that’s fine! If the quiz says you’re a masochist but you prefer the term “bottom”, you get to choose the terminology that works for you.

BDSM Negotiation Tool #4: Erotic Content

If you like to consume kinky content such as ethical porn, audio porn, or written erotica, it can be a great starting point for your real-life kink negotiations. Consume content together with your partner if you’re comfortable with that, talking about what appeals to you and what doesn’t. If you can’t or don’t want to do this together, consider sending each other clips or links that do it for you and use them as a jumping-off point.

Remember, of course, that porn is not reality. Real-life BDSM is unlikely to look exactly like a beautifully-shot professional scene or play out exactly like your favourite erotic story. Erotic content is entertainment, not education. But it can still inspire you, give you ideas, and spark conversations that can help with your BDSM negotiation process.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to support me, please consider sharing it on Bluesky or Fetlife, buying me a virtual coffee, or shopping with my affiliates in the right hand sidebar.

Black BDSM cuffs on a bed. Text reads: 4 things that don't make you less of a dominant. For a post answering "Am I dominant enough?" and "what makes a good Dom anyway?"

Am I Dominant Enough? 4 Things That Don’t Make You Less of a Dominant

Published on by Amy

Something I hear a lot from new or would-be Dominants (Doms) in the BDSM world is, “Am I really a Dom if I like…?” The underlying questions are clear: Am I dominant enough? Am I doing it right? What makes a good Dom, anyway?

There are a lot of stereotypes of Dominants out there. Most of them are, frankly, bullshit. One only has to browse Fetlife for a few minutes to see people making all sorts of proclamations about the right, best, true, or only way to be a Dominant (or a submissive, for that matter.) All of this is nonsense.

Your dominance is your own and it doesn’t need to be fragile. If you’re secure in your identity as a Dominant or sometimes-Dominant kinkster, no-one can take that away from you.

Let’s look at four things that tend to cause new and inexperienced Dominants anxiety about their Dom credentials, and break down these harmful myths once and for all.

Am I Still a Dom if I Go Down on My Submissive?

It makes me really sad when I think about how many submissives are missing out on oral sex because their Dominant mistakenly believes that only submissives give head or that going down is degrading. And, for that matter, how many Dominants love sucking cock or eating pussy but won’t do it because they believe it undermines their authority.

The longer I’m kinky, the more I believe that virtually no sexual act is inherently dominant or submissive. Everything we do in sex and kink is ultimately imbued with the meaning we give it.

Most of us do this kinky stuff because it’s fun. As it turns out, a lot of people enjoy getting their cunt eaten or their cock sucked. Giving this pleasure to your partner doesn’t make you any less Dominant. There are even ways to explicitly frame it in a dominant manner, if that’s something you want to do.

Don’t believe me? Try having someone’s tongue on your clit or their mouth around your cock and being told you have to (for example) keep quiet or not come without permission. Then tell me that going down can’t be a dominant act.

Is it Okay for a Dom to Be Deeply in Love with Their Submissive?

Where did we get this idea that Dominants are cold, unfeeling creatures who are incapable of love? (And can we burn the Fifty Shades trilogy to the ground for, amongst many other sins, perpetuating this stereotype?)

BDSM and D/s is often a relationship build on profound vulnerability, trust, affection, and – yes – love. Not all BDSM needs to be based on a love match, of course, and casual play connections are valid if everyone involved is enthusiastically consenting to them.

Ultimately, though, Dominants are human beings with the full range of human emotions. So if you’re a Dom and you’re worried that catching feelings for your submissive will undermine your dominance: don’t be. If anything, intense feelings will just improve and deepen the connection you have and the ways you play.

If you’re a submissive and your Dom is incapable of love, care, or affection? Or if they can only do kink with people they hate, dislike, disrespect, or feel nothing towards? They’re probably an emotionally-stunted billionaire psychopath.

Am I Dominant Enough if I’m a Switch?

Lots of kinksters enjoy being dominant sometimes and submissive at other times. These people are called switches, and they’re not only valid but likely in the majority of kinky people.

Switching can manifest in different ways. You might be primarily a Dominant who likes to submit occasionally, or vice-versa. You might enjoy each role more or less evenly. Some people switch with the same partner, others prefer to let their different facets out to play with different partners. Some like to do the same activities in both roles, while others have very different preferences as a Top than they do as a bottom. However it looks, it’s all good.

One myth about switches is that they’re capable of being neither truly dominant or truly submissive, and are instead a watered-down approximation of both. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Switches are just as capable of being great Doms (or great subs) as anyone else.

In fact, some submissives even prefer to submit to people who switch. Having experienced both sides can lead to greater empathy for your sub’s experience, as well as giving you an extra avenue through which to get new ideas for things to try.

Am I Dominant if I Enjoy Being Penetrated?

I’m going to return to what I said above: there’s virtually no such thing as an inherently dominant or submissive sex act. The idea that being penetrated is inherently submissive is deeply rooted in patriarchy and misogyny. (The logic goes something like this: “women get penetrated, therefore being penetrated is feminine. Femininity is lesser than masculinity, therefore being penetrated is not only feminine but degrading and therefore submissive.”) I hope I don’t need to tell you what absolute bullshit this is.

When I hear of Dominants who’d really like to get fucked but feel they can’t take something in their vagina or ass for fear that it’ll make them submissive… well, it makes me really sad.

If you enjoy receiving penetrative sex as a Dominant, there’s nothing submissive about it. You can enjoy it and it doesn’t undermine your dominance in any way. And, just like giving oral sex, there are absolutely ways to get penetrated in a specifically dominant way. Ordering your submissive to fuck you exactly as you want to be fucked, in the position and at the speed and depth you prefer and not to stop until you’re satisfied? Sounds pretty dominant to me.

“Am I Dominant If…?” YES!

If you identify as Dominant – whether you identify that way always or sometimes or occasionally or only on Fridays during the full moon or just in this specific relationship – then congratulations, you’re a fucking Dominant. That’s literally all that’s required.

Please take this post as enormous permission to stop worrying about whether you’re somehow undermining your Dom credentials. There are no credentials. There’s no set list of required or prohibited activities to be a Dom. We do this shit because it’s fun. If you and your partner(s) are having a good time, that’s literally all that matters.

If you enjoy my content, giving it a share on Bluesky or Fetlife or buying me a coffee is a great way to say thanks! <3

Header image for a review of the Rouge Garments leather flogger

[Kink Product Review] Rouge Garments Leather Spiral Flogger

Published on by Amy

One of the great things about being a sex writer is that our events always have great freebies, from sex toys to kink gear and beyond. Rouge Garments kindly provided various goodies for the recent Lube and A Laptop social, and I came home with this red leather flogger.

Rouge Garments Red Leather Flogger: Basics

This flogger is pretty hefty. End to end it’s about 71cm, of which 51cm is the falls and 20cm the handle. (On Rouge Garments’ site it lists the length of falls as 47cm, so mine may be a slightly over-long prototype.) It is made of real leather, so vegans may want to skip this one.

The Rouge Garments flogger retails for £36.99, which is a very reasonable price for a real leather product. It is available in black, purple, or pink as well as red leather.

Rouge Garments Flogger: Design

The design of this toy is fine, though it’s far from the prettiest flogger ever. My personal tastes in impact toys leans more towards leather falls with a wooden or metal handle, rather than all-over leather, but that’s a matter of preference.

The Rouge Garments red leather flogger seems fairly strong and durable, but my main design gripe (and it’s a pretty major one) is with the length of the falls. They’re not cut evenly and there is a disparity of more than an inch between the longest and shortest. This makes the product look somewhat cheaply made and slapdash. It also makes accuracy harder to attain, particularly for newer impact tops. I got it for free, but if I’d paid for it I would be pretty unhappy with it on this basis.

In Use

Like all longer floggers, the Rouge Garments red leather flogger takes some practice to wield effectively, It is pretty light for its size, though, which is a plus point. I could use it for quite a while without my arm getting tired, and I’m far from the strongest person around.

Mr C&K pointed out that, due to the handle not being smooth (the leather is effectively wrapped around in a spiral shape,) the ridges did start to hurt his hand after using the flogger for a little while.

From the receiving end, the Rouge Garments flogger has a decent thud/sting balance. The weight is just enough to give it a nice thud, while the thin falls follow that initial deep impact with a little bit of stingy bite.

I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone who wants either very hard thud or intense sting. However, it’s a passable option if you’re after something in the middle of the spectrum.

Verdict

This is an okay beginner flogger for people who are new to BDSM or anyone looking for something inexpensive. If you want beauty, craftsmanship, and something to last you a lifetime, though, I’d skip this one. Head over to a dedicated BDSM retailer or marketplace instead.

Thanks to Rouge Garments for providing these products in exchange for honest reviews. All opinions are, and will always be, my own. Affiliate link to buy this product from The Pleasure Garden send a small commission my way if you use them.

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BDSM Red Flags: What to Watch For in a New Kinky Relationship

Published on by Amy1 Comment

A reader messaged me this week with this question: “What are some BDSM red flags to look out for when starting a new kinky relationship with a Dom or a sub?”

I had a lot of thoughts about this question and all the possible ways to answer it. On the surface, it’s simple. In many ways, BDSM red flags are exactly the same as those in any other kind of relationship. But there are also nuances specific to kinky relationships.

As I often do when I’m mulling over a topic, I took it to Mr C&K for his perspective. His response, I think, was utterly brilliant in its simplicity: “Don’t get into a relationship with a Dom or a sub. Get into a relationship with a person.”

What I love about this answer is that it cuts through all the possible responses I was thinking of giving to our lovely question-asker, and gets straight to the heart of the issue. It’s vital to get to know somebody as a real, three-dimensional human being before you seriously consider them as your Dominant or submissive.

Spend time – LOTS of time – talking, communicating, and seeing how they interact with you and the world. A good D/s relationship is a place of profound trust and vulnerability on both sides, and these things cannot be rushed. A real-life D/s relationship is nothing like an endless kinky fantasy or a porn movie. First and foremost, it is a relationship.

7 BDSM Red Flags to Look Out For

With all that said, I do still have some thoughts on specific red flags to watch out for in a kinky relationship. I’ve tried to keep these broad so that they’re applicable to Dominants, submissives, and switches alike, and relevant whether you’re meeting online or in person.

Your mileage may vary, of course, and I’m sure there are plenty I’ve missed. But I would view any of the following with some serious side-eye and a healthy level of skepticism.

Demanding too much, too soon

You wouldn’t give someone the keys to your house or ask them to marry you on a first date, would you? Just as you shouldn’t jump the proverbial gun on these vanilla relationship milestones, it’s also important to take your time in a BDSM relationship. Play together and have some kinky fun, if you both want to, but don’t even think about entering into any kind of ongoing dynamic for quite some time.

If a Dominant expects you to kneel and address them by an honorofic before they’ve earned your trust, run. If a submissive expects you to start trying to control every aspect of their life when you’ve barely got past coffee… you know what I’m going to say.

Referring to themselves as a “real” or “true” anything

There is no such thing as a True Dominant, a Real Submissive, or any other variation. Those of us who have been in the community for a long time call this One True Wayism, and it’s frowned upon for good reason. People who think their way is the only way tend to be snobbish, elitist and derisive of others at best and actively dangerous at worst.

Tthinking you know everything, refusing to learn, and refusing to be questioned is a recipe for disaster. It’s also one of the biggest red flags out there for kinky relationships.

Related to this is its equally problematic and insidious twin: “you’re a fake [Dom/sub/kinkster!]” Calling someone a fake is such a classic BDSM red flag that it’s pretty much a cliche at this point. There’s no such thing as a fake kinkster. There are good and bad players, safe and dangerous kinksters, and those with more or less knowledge and experience. But no-one is “real” or “fake.”

If you identify as a Dom, you’re a Dom. If you identify as a sub, you’re a sub. That’s literally all that’s required.

Using language like “if you were really [X] you’d [Y]”

“If you were really a sub, you’d give me all your passwords and your bank account login!” “If you were really a Dom, you’d take care of everything for me so I didn’t have to take any responsibility for my choices!”

This is the BDSM red flag equivalent of that old manipulative classic: “If you really loved me, you’d…”

If someone questions your identity or tries to use it against you to get their way, run. See above: there’s no such thing as a “Real” or “True” anything. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone and you certainly don’t have to do things you don’t want to do for your identity to be valid.

Claiming to have no or very few limits

Everyone has limits (that is, things they absolutely won’t do under any circumstances.) Absolutely everyone. Someone who claims not to have any limits (or to have “very few” limits) is, at best, woefully ill-informed about all the things BDSM can encompass.

And by the way: limits aren’t just for submissives! Dominants also can and should have limits.

I’ll say it again: literally everyone has limits. They can, and probably will, change over time. You don’t need to think up absolutely every single one right now. But you should start learning about what yours might be and learning how to communicate them.

Not understanding their own experience and skill level

Anyone can pick up a BDSM starter kit and call themselves a Dominant without having ever used that flogger on anyone, just like anyone can watch a thousand hours of spanking porn and call themselves a submissive without having ever actually played. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being inexperienced and curious, with being at the beginning of your kink journey, or with not knowing much.

What is wrong, though, is to significantly overestimate or misrepresent your experience and skill level. And if you find out someone has done this, it’s a pretty huge red flag. Trying to do certain BDSM activities without proper knowledge and tuition is irresponsible at worst, incredibly dangerous – both physically and psychologically – at best.

Responsible kinksters know their own limitations and put the safety, consent, and wellbeing of their partners above any self-aggrandising notion about being infallible.

Lying, including lies of omission

The absolute, foundational basis for any healthy relationship – kinky or vanilla, monogamous or polyamorous – is trust. Without trust, there is nothing. Lying to you is, therefore, probably the biggest, reddest, and flaggiest big BDSM red flag of all.

This includes those big barefaced lies, of course, but it also includes lies of omission. If you find a Dom who seems great but they “forgot” to tell you they’ve got seven other submissives at home… you have not found a good Dom or indeed a good human.

The person who lies to you in the beginning will lie to you all the way along. Whatever your role, you’re a human being first and you deserve to be told the truth about things that impact you.

The ultimate BDSM red flag: breaking boundaries, including small ones

Abusive or dangerous people don’t typically start by trampling boundaries in overt and glaring ways. If they did this on the first date, they’ll never get as far as a second date. Instead, people who would cause you harm will often “test the waters” with a new victim to see how much they can get away with.

Perhaps they persist in using language towards you that you don’t like, touching you in a way you’re not comfortable with, or putting you down in big or small ways, you are not being too sensitive. They are testing you, and they will push bigger and bigger boundaries if you continue a relationship with them. Get out now.

If you recognise any of these BDSM red flags in your relationship or with a new interest, help is out there! If you think you’re in danger, get yourself to a place of safety and ask for help as soon as you can.

Learn how to find and work with a sex positive therapist

How to Find and Work With a Sex Positive Therapist

Published on by Amy4 Comments

When my nesting partner, Mr C&K, and I moved in together, we decided to get joint therapy to help ease the transition and navigate some past traumas that were impacting our relationship. However, as kinky, polyamorous folks in a mixed-orientation and age-gap relationship, it was important to us to find a sex positive therapist who wouldn’t pathologise us.

We got incredibly lucky. The first person we found was, and is, absolutely amazing. She listens to us, believes our experiences, doesn’t pathologise our identities or practices, and educates herself on the issues that impact us.

Most people, however, are not so lucky. It can take a long time to find a good sex positive therapist. Folks with marginalised identities such as queer folks, trans and non-binary folks, people of colour, and disabled or neurodivergent people may struggle to find good sex-positive therapy even more.

These are five strategies I found helpful. Maybe they’ll help you, too!

Use an Appropriate Directory to Find a Sex Positive Therapist

There are directories of kink-aware and sex-positive therapists and other professionals, where you can vet your prospective therapist for specific knowledge and competencies.

Try the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (multiple countries, somewhat US centric,) the Open List (US only) or Pink Therapy (mainly UK), or do a Google search for sex-positive therapists in your area.

Ensure Your Therapist is Sex Positive By Putting Everything on the Table Upfront

When I say “upfront,” I mean “ideally before the first appointment.” You’ll probably talk to a potential therapist on the phone or by email, and this is a great time to tell them anything you want them to know before setting up your first appointment.

This can be a difficult and vulnerable conversation to have with a stranger. But if you want to ensure that you’ll be getting informed, aware, sex-positive therapy, it’s so worth it. By the time you get into their office (or Zoom room), you’ll feel confident that they understand and respect you for who you are.

Be Matter-of-Fact

Your identites aren’t the problem, so don’t apologise for them. A sex positive therapist will take on board that you’re queer, non-monogamous, kinky, or however you identify and won’t pathologise you for these things.

If your therapist acts as though your sexuality or sexual identities are problematic, or tries to convince you they need to change, fire them immediately and find someone else.

Not sure how to put it? A great sentence is something like: “Just so you know, for context, I’m queer, polyamorous, and I practice BDSM. Do you know what those things are? What that means to me is…”

Expect Them to Educate Themselves

If you manage to find a sex-positive therapist with lived experience of an identity like yours, amazing. But if they’re not already an expert, educating themselves is their job.

Of course, you will need to talk about what words like “polyamorous” or “kinky” or “sex positive” mean to you. But at the end of the day, you’re paying them to help you. That help includes educating themselves. If they’re taking up a lot of your session asking you basic or 101 questions, suggest some resources and move the conversation on. If they make no effort to learn, they’re a bad therapist.

Don’t Be Afraid to Steer the Conversation

Therapy is your time, so don’t be afraid to steer the conversation in the direction you want it to go. “I’d really like to focus on…” is a useful phrase. Again, if your therapist insists that an aspect of your sexuality is a problem when it isn’t problematic for you, think about moving on.

A good sex positive therapist will never use any expression resembling “you wouldn’t have this problem if you were [monogamous/vanilla/etc.]”

Remember You Deserve Top Quality Care

Therapy is expensive, unless you live in a country with a functioning socialised mental healthcare system (lucky you if so.)

You deserve the best care from your therapist. Good sex positive therapy is a relationship built on trust, and you can end the therapist/client relationship any time if things aren’t working out. Please don’t settle for someone who doesn’t treat you – all facets of you – with the respect you deserve.

If this piece helped you, please consider buying me a virtual coffee to say thanks!

A woman's arm wearing a pink bondage handcuff. Text reads: New to BDSM? How to get started. For a BDSM beginners guide

New to BDSM? How to Get Started

Published on by Amy

It’s New Years Eve, the time of new beginnings and new adventures. This is the very first post on this blog. So how better to get started than with some handy hints and tricks on… getting started? If you’re new to BDSM, read on to learn everything you need to know about dipping your toes in safely in this BDSM beginners’ guide.

First Step For Newcomers to BDSM: Get a Fetlife Account

If you have not yet stumbled across it, Fetlife is absolutely the place to be for all things kinky on the internet. It’s not “technically” a dating site, though people do use it that way (for better or worse). Instead, it’s a social networking site for kinksters. The “Facebook of Kink,” if you like.

Before you do anything else – before you go and buy a BDSM starter kit, before you jump on a kinky dating app – get yourself a Fetlife account.

It’s free to join Fetlife and you can give as much or as little information as you like. Paid accounts are available but the main benefit to a paid account is getting access to videos. All the most useful features are free and should be more than sufficient when you’re new to BDSM.

  1. Please don’t use your real name or give out any details more personal than which city you live in. (You can even lie about that if you’re really cautious, though I don’t recommend it because finding local people and events is a big part of the purpose of using Fetlife.)
  2. Put up a profile picture. It doesn’t have to be a face pic, but should be something that speaks to you or represents you (don’t steal other people’s work, though – that’s not cool). Your genitals are NOT a good profile picture, however proud of them you are.
  3. Join some groups related to your interests. Read lots. Listen. Learn. Don’t believe everything you read – the only One True Rule of Kink is that there are no True Rules of Kink (beyond “it is only for informed consenting adults,” of course).
  4. Reach out by message to some people local to you, particularly if they run events or seem very active and respected in the community. Remember: the goal is to make friends and find community at this stage, not to hook up.

Okay, You’ve Got a Fetlife Account. Good. Now Read, Read, Read!

Read posts on Fetlife. Find as many articles, essays and blogs as you can find (on kink in general or on your particular areas of interest.) Read books, watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts – however you prefer to get your information.

This isn’t a “one shot and done” homework assignment, by the way. You might be new to BDSM now, but I hope you will keep reading, listening and learning for as long as you’re involved in the lifestyle.

Being New to BDSM If You’ve Already Got a Partner or Partners

If you’re single, you can skip this section of the guide as this is written for BDSM beginners already in one or more relationships.

Firstly, if you haven’t already, you NEED to talk to your partner(s) about your interests.

I know how tempting it is, if these desires have been burning inside of you for months or years, to go out and explore them on the sly. We have a word for this, however, and that word is cheating. Most folks in the BDSM community take a dim view of people lying to and cheating on their partners, because this goes against the central ethos of informed consent.

It doesn’t need to be a big sit-down, drama-filled conversation. How about just, “hey, honey? I was thinking it would be really hot if you could be a little dominant in bed sometimes/if you let me spank you/if we explored tying each other up/-insert your interest here.- How do you feel about that?“

Hopefully, if your partner is communicative and sex-positive, they’ll be happy to have a conversation about it. That doesn’t mean the answer will be “yes,” necessarily, but you’ll have opened up a dialogue and that’s a huge step.

If they seem curious and excited to know more, talk to them about some of your fantasies and encourage them to have input with things they fantasise about. Explore this through sexting/cyber-sexing if it’s too scary or embarrassing to do it face-to-face at first. Read some erotica or watch some porn together that ticks your kinky boxes. Show them Fetlife, blogs, books and any other material you’ve found helpful. Go to a munch, talk or workshop together.

Explore a few light things first – always with a safeword, of course – and see how you go. Moving slowly, with lots of check-ins, negotiation, love and care is the way to have some really positive kinky experiences. Everything you want to try will still be there weeks, months or years down the line. You don’t have to do everything when you’re brand new to BDSM!

Get out into the community and make friends and build a kinky support network. More on that coming up shortly…

What If They Say No?

If your partner isn’t open to exploring things with you, don’t push. Beginners are often so keen to explore that they end up accidentally or intentionally pressuring their partners.

Give your partner time and space to process, ask open-ended questions, and express yourself honestly. If they’re not interested, is there any other way you can get your needs met? Perhaps with other partners, if you’re non-monogamous, or through opening up your relationship in some limited way if you’ve been monogamous until now? Perhaps with a professional?

If your partner is insistent there is no way your kinky needs can be met while in this relationship, I’m afraid you may have a very difficult decision to make – one which no-one else can make for you.

BDSM Beginners’ Guide If You’re New and Single

Those who already have a partner or partners can skip this section of the guide as it’s written for single BDSM beginners.

If you’re single, it can be really tempting, when you discover this kinky thing, to dive right into trying to find a Dom or sub to explore it all with. However, if you do that, you’re missing out some really important steps.

Hopefully you’ve started off your explorations by joining Fetlife and doing plenty of reading and learning. Perhaps you’ve even reached out to some local people. If not, go and do those things now.

Remember: your goal right now is to make friends and build a community. Partners and opportunities to play will follow. A bit of patience right now will set you up well in the long run, I promise.

Go to a munch, class, talk or workshop (more on this coming up in a minute!) Ask a trusted friend to go along with you if you’re scared.

Get Off the Internet: Getting Out There In Real Life

Yep. After extolling the virtues of Fetlife and all the great material you can find on the internet, the next step of this BDSM beginners’ guide is me telling you to get off the web and out into the world.

Find an event near you – a munch is ideal. A munch is an event in a vanilla location like a pub where kinksters meet up to socialise, hang out and make friends. Most major cities have at least one, and many small towns have them too. Search Fetlife with the name of your city or town to find out what’s going on. If you’re nervous, message the organiser – their Fet name should be listed – and ask if they’d mind introducing you to a few folks. Munch organisers typically do what they do because they love the community and want to give back to it, and most will be delighted to help you find your feet.

Other good events to go to are talks, workshops and classes on your area of interest, or even a kinky conference. These are often a greater time and financial investment than a simple munch, though, so you might want to wait a while before making this leap.

Munch Etiquette 101

Going to your first event when you’re a BDSM beginner is scary. The golden rules, though, are simple. Follow these and you’ll be fine.

  1. Dress and act appropriately. Basically, if it’s okay for a generic pub it’s okay at a munch. Leave the whips and the leather corsets at home. A t-shirt and jeans will be fine in most places, as will a nice shirt and slacks, a cute dress or skirt, or whatever you’d usually wear to meet friends for a drink/ Don’t try to play at a munch unless it’s specifically advertised as one where that’s okay. If in doubt, most events will have a dress code and possibly a code of conduct available online, or you can ask the organiser.
  2. Don’t be a creep. Don’t latch on to that one cute young just-barely-turned-18 girl. Don’t only talk to people of the age, gender and body type you fancy. Don’t ask people to play immediately or ask overly intrusive questions. People will notice and I promise, it’ll piss them off.
  3. Be yourself! Talk about your hobbies, your work, your family, how you came to kink… take your cues from others and just make friends the way you would in any other setting. If you’re shy, a good conversation starter is “I’m new to BDSM and this munch, have you been in the community for long?”
  4. Don’t drink too much or take any drugs.
  5. Don’t touch anyone without permission. Kinksters are often a touchy and huggy bunch, but remember there may be relational contexts you’re not familiar with. Always ask before hugging or otherwise touching anyone.
  6. Don’t be a dick. This covers so many bases. Be friendly, open and welcoming to everyone and don’t be afraid to admit you’re new, nervous and not sure what the protocol is.

Most of all, remember to have fun. If you can, gather the Fetlife names of people you talk to and ask their permission to friend them. (You can always follow up with a PM – “Hey, we met at the ABC Munch. I really enjoyed our conversation about XYZ. Would you like to be friends on here?”

Et voila! You’ve got the beginnings of a kinky community and circle of friends. Now – rinse and repeat. You’ll soon learn who your people are, who you really click with and who you don’t much care for. You don’t need to like everyone but you do need to be polite and civil to everyone (unless, of course, something serious like a consent violation occurs, but that’s beyond the scope of this particular post.)

And there you have it – you’ve made your first steps into Kinkland!

Doesn’t it feel great? I hope this BDSM beginners’ guide was helpful. Now go forth and be kinky, my friends.

Happy New Year.