Category: Advice & How To

Lesbians kissing with one holding the other with her legs around her waist. Header image for a post about NRE or new relationship energy in polyamory and the common mistakes people make.

NRE in Polyamory: 4 Common New Relationship Energy Mistakes to Avoid [Polyamory Conversation Cards #19]

Published on by Amy

New relationship energy, or NRE, is not unique to polyamory. Also known as the “honeymoon period”, NRE is that giddy and love-drunk feeling you get at the beginning of a new relationship. It might include heightened sexual desire, intense emotions, or a desire to spend all your time with the new person. Staying up late into the night texting? Bugging all your friends because you just cannot stop talking about your shiny new sweetie? You might be in NRE! NRE in polyamory can be one of the main benefits of this lovestyle, in that you can (at least theoretically) experience it many times in your life without needing to lose existing relationships in between new connections. However, it can also cause some problems.

NRE has a biological explanation and a real purpose in building relationships. Simply put, it is the result of a concoction of brain chemicals such as dopamine, vasopressin, and oxytocin, which activate the brain’s reward centre and make you crave more. NRE can help to build strong bonds in the early stages of a relationship, laying the foundations for a lasting connection.

How long does NRE last?

The short answer is “it depends.” NRE naturally fades over time. Ideally, this leads to a more comfortable and sustainable, but no less wonderful, long-term bond. Sometimes, though, the partners may find they have little in common or aren’t cut out for a long-term relationship once the NRE fades. The typical timeframe for NRE can be anything from six months to two years, but your experience may vary.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How can you best nurture your existing relationships when you’re captivated by a new, exciting connection?”

So it’s time to talk about NRE, the most common mistakes that NRE in polyamory can lead to, and how to avoid (or mitigate) them.

Polyamory NRE Mistake #1: Neglecting Your Existing Relationship(s)

This one is first on the list because it’s the most common NRE mistake of all. If you already have an existing partner or partners, it can be so easy to inadvertently neglect them when you’re in the throes of NRE with a new person.

When you’ve been with someone for a long time, it is easy to make the mistake of taking them for granted. You assume they will always be there. But neglecting your partner(s) during NRE can cause serious damage to those relationships.

A partner who feels neglected is understandably likely to feel bitter, jealous, and resentful of the new relationship, and may find it harder to be supportive or excited for you. This can also cause issues between metamours, since the neglected partner may find it easier to deflect the blame onto the new sweetie for “stealing” their partner’s time and attention.

What to Do About It

Whenever you’re beginning a new relationship, and particularly if the new connection is heavy on NRE, make a point of giving your existing partner(s) plenty of attention.

Set aside time to spend with them. Take them on dates, learn their love languages, and give them gestures that will be meaningful to them. Check in with them regularly to see how they’re feeling and ensure their needs are being met. Keep up with your half of any shared responsibilities, such as household chores or childcare. Perhaps most importantly, ensure that you’re not texting your new partner or talking about them constantly when you’re supposed to be spending time with your existing partner.

Polyamory NRE Mistake #2: Leaving Your Long Term Partner(s) for the New Shiny

This is the less common but more extreme version of the above. Even in polyamory, some people will mistake “I’m in new relationship energy” for “this person is my one and only soulmate” and break up with their existing partner(s) to marry, move in with, spend all their time with, or even become monogamous with the new person.

I’ve seen relationships and marriages of decades end for this reason. It’s uniquely painful to be dumped for someone else, particularly when your partner says or implies that it’s because the new person is “more exciting” than you.

What to Do About It

I’m not going to tell you “never end an existing relationship while you’re in NRE with a new person.” Some relationships need to end, and it’s always okay to walk away from something that is hurting you. But I will advise you to be extremely careful about doing so. In particular, never leave an existing relationship because of a new one.

It can be tempting to walk away from the comfort, safety, and relatively low excitement of a long-term relationship for the fireworks and butterflies of a new one. But here’s the thing: those aspects of a relationship don’t last forever. Think back to the early days of your relationship with your long-term partner. Chances are that it, too, was intense and passionate in the beginning. New relationship energy is never permanent, either in polyamory or monogamy, and it’s not worth throwing away a wonderful relationship for.

The new person is more exciting because they’re new. They won’t be new forever, and then what? You’ll be right back where you started and looking for your next NRE fix. This is why, perhaps counterintuitively, people who behave like new relationship energy addicts tend to be pretty bad at polyamory.

Polyamory NRE Mistake #3: Making Life-Altering Decisions During NRE

Relationships can be life-changing, in both good and bad ways. But one of the biggest mistakes people make during NRE is to make big, irreversible, life-altering decisions such as moving, getting married, or having children.

Of course, you’ll hear stories about people who did this and it worked out wonderfully. (I moved in with my nesting partner after less than a year. It worked out great for us. Does that mean I recommend it in general? No.) But you’ll also hear a lot of stories about people who did it and ended up suffering the emotional, legal, financial, and logistical ramifications for far longer than the relationship lasted.

What to Do About It

I believe it was Cunning Minx of the long-running but now dearly departed Polyamory Weekly podcast who said something like “never pack anything bigger than a suitcase during NRE.” And this is great advice. I would extend it to, simply, “never make life-altering decisions that you can’t walk back during NRE.”

So along with not dumping your existing partner for the new person (see above), don’t pack up your life and move across the country or the world. Don’t quit your job. Don’t have a child together. Maybe put off those matching tattoos. (I did get matching piercings with an ex. They lasted longer than the relationship. Would not recommend.)

And look, I’m saying this as a sapphic. So-called “U-hauling” is kind of our thing – we’re famous for it! But seriously, if you want to do all these things with your new partner, the opportunity will still be there in a few months or a couple of years. And if the relationship isn’t meant to last? You’ll be really glad you didn’t.

Polyamory NRE Mistake #4: Compromising Your Boundaries and Values

When you’re really in love (or limerance) with a new person, it can be tempting to do or say anything to make the relationship work. This can lead to compromising on your own wants, needs, boundaries, and values. You might sign up for dynamics that will make you miserable, agree to rules you don’t actually want to follow, transform your appearance or personality, or minimise aspects of yourself to make the other person more comfortable. At the extreme end of the spectrum, it can even lead to overlooking abusive behaviours or red flags for abuse.

Every time I have violated my own boundaries and values for a relationship, I have regretted it. Every time I have been a Crane Wife, I have felt like I was cutting out a piece of my soul.

What to Do About It

It can be good to be flexible on what you’re looking for in a relationship. After all, love and connection can come in unexpected guises. But it’s also good to get super clear on your bottom lines, non-negotiables, and dealbreakers. If you ever catch yourself saying “I know I said I couldn’t be with someone who… but…”, pay attention to that. Are you being flexible to enable a good connection to bloom, or are you compromising on something you really shouldn’t compromise on?

It’s also smart to listen to the people closest to you, such as your existing partner(s) if you have them and your close friends. If they’ve commented that you don’t seem like yourself, or that you seem to be living out of alignment with your stated desires and values, that’s something to pay attention to.

Relationships can and do change us. They can teach us things and broaden our horizons. But a good relationship enables you to be more fully yourself, not less so.

Managing New Relationship Energy in Polyamory: Additional Resources

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5 Things to Consider Before You Buy a Sex Machine

Published on by Amy

Compared to the various other toy categories I review all the time, such as vibrators, dildos, and strokers, sex machines (AKA fucking machines) are a relatively niche corner of the sex toy market. This is partly due to cost; choosing to buy a sex machine can be a major financial investment, costing hundreds to thousands of dollars. They can also take up a lot of space.

Even so, based on reviews I’ve read, sex machines have an enduring fan base and seem to have grown in popularity and prevalence in recent years.

A sex machine is simply a machine designed to simulate sex with a partner, particularly penetrative vaginal or anal sex. You attach a toy – such as a dildo or masturbator – to the mechanism, and the machine then thrusts back and forth. Many machines have additional features such as an adjustable angle, adjustable speeds, remote control or app-control functionality, programmable settings, space to add an external vibrator such as a wand, and more. Ride-on designs are also popular.

Many people enjoy sex machines because you can enjoy them hands-free and because they can provide a more immersive, lifelike sensation compared to other types of toys.

So if you’re thinking about making the leap, what do you need to know before you buy a sex machine?

Space Concerns

Sex machines vary in size, but even the smaller ones are much bigger than your typical hand-held sex toy. Before you buy a sex machine, always make sure you have the space for the model you’re considering. This means making sure you have a safe and spacious place to set it up and use it, but also that you have somewhere to store it if you’re not going to have it set up permanently.

If you live in a small apartment, need to be discreet, or have limited storage space available, you might want to consider one of the small sex machine models on the market. Take measurements of your space, and triple check before you click the “buy” button. Don’t forget to think about practicalities such as easy access to a power socket to plug your machine into, too.

Budget

How much a sex machine costs varies enormously. The most basic models can cost under $100, while high end sex machines can run into thousands of dollars. Before you start shopping, decide what kind of budget you’re comfortable with. Before you buy one, consider the budget you’re comfortable allocating for a sex machine.

In general, cheaper machines will be more basic and have fewer features. However, they might still suit your needs just fine if you’re on a budget. If you’re looking for extras such as remote or app controls or greater levels of personalisation/adjustability, you can expect to pay more.

Don’t forget to account for dildos or other attachments, lube, positioning aids, travel or storage cases, or whatever other extras you might need as well as the machine itself.

Comfort and Positioning

Learning how to use a sex machine comfortably and pleasurably can take some practice. One thing you’ll need to figure out is the most comfortable and practical positions in which to use it.

Before you buy a sex machine, think about how you will actually use it in practice.

Many people find that it is easiest to use a sex machine while reclining on their back on a bed, or face down in a “doggy style” position. Others prefer to use another surface such as a couch or spanking bench to achieve the desired position. Positioning aids such as sex furniture, sex position wedges, and sex swings can also be a great option, as can add-ons for your machine designed to adjust its height or angle to suit you.

Another aspect of comfort in use is stroke length. This simply means how far back and forth the toy moves when the machine is switched on. A longer stroke length will give you deeper penetration, while a shorter stroke length will give you shallower penetration. Some machines offer adjustable stroke length, while others are fixed at one particular length.

Before You Buy a Sex Machine, Consider Toy Compatibility

Some sex machines come with a dildo (or several) included. Others don’t have toys included and you will need to buy these separately. Sex machine attachments don’t stop at standard dildos, either. You can also get fantasy toys, ejaculating or squirting dildos, anal toys, masturbation sleeves, and much more.

Your sex machine will be compatible with toys using a certain attachment type, and this can vary between manufacturers and machine models. This may mean you won’t be able to use your existing toys with your new sex machine, or you may need to buy an adaptor to enable you to do so. Always check before you buy a sex machine to make sure that your toys are compatible or that you can get toys that will work for you and fit your chosen machine.

Whatever toys you choose, make sure you opt for body-safe materials. 100% silicone is best! Reviews are a great tool in helping you to find the best toys to use with your sex machine.

Aesthetic

You might not care at all what your sex machine looks like. On the other hand, you might care a lot! Perhaps you want a machine that feels like “you”, or something that ties in with the decor of your bedroom, home dungeon, or other playspace. Before you buy a sex machine, consider whether aesthetics matter to you.

Sex machines are available in numerous different designs and colours. So whether you’re looking for sleek black or silver, hot pink, or something more unusual like red, gold or blue, there’s sure to be a machine that suits your preferred aesthetic.

Ready to Buy a Sex Machine?

Hismith, whose links are included within this post, sell sex machines of various sizes and designs, at a range of prices from $95 up to $1999. They also sell dildos, masturbators, anal toys, and various other attachments and accessories to go with their machines. Check out their extensive catalogue of products! It’s always a good idea to read sex machine reviews before you buy, too.

Thanks to Hismith for sponsoring this post! All views and writing, as always, are mine.

Header image for post about Nothosaur custom sex toys

Creating Your Dream Custom Sex Toys with Nothosaur

Published on by Amy

What does your perfect fantasy sex toy look like? You might have ideas about the shape and design, size, softness or firmness, colour, and more. Nothosaur, who have already featured on the site several times previously, offer custom sex toys with various options across their fantasy range, helping you to craft the perfect dildo or other toy for your desires.

For something a bit different today, they have invited me to check out and review their customisation process.

Why Choose Custom Sex Toys?

Custom sex toys are generally more expensive than their off-the-shelf counterparts, so why would you choose a custom toy? In short, because this way you can get exactly what you want from a product.

How many times have I written a review in which I say “this toy would be perfect if only…” [“…it were shorter/girthier/softer/firmer/more flexible/etc.”]? I imagine you’ve thought the same about toys in the past. A custom toy allows you to have complete control over all those factors.

Some people enjoy having a toy that is one-of-a-kind, knowing that no-one else has one quite like it. This can be particularly true for people who view a toy as a kind of extension of their body; for example, if you’re someone who has strap-on sex, your dildo might essentially become your penis while you’re using it. It follows that you’d want to get something that really feels like you.

A custom sex toy can also make an amazing gift for a partner or lover. If you know the person and their preferences well enough, you can get something perfectly crafted just for them. Alternatively, why not spend a fun and sexy date night designing and ordering your perfect toy together?

Custom Sex Toys with Nothosaur

Creating a custom dildo, butt plug, grinder, or other toy with Nothosaur is easy. You just need to go through four simple steps, which we’ll look at in detail in this section.

Choosing a Base For Your Custom Sex Toy

The first step is to choose your base product, which you can then customise. Nothosaur’s extensive range includes tentacle dildos, ejaculating dildos, ovipositors, dragon dildos and other fantasy creature designs, and much more.

You might already have a clear idea of what you’re after for your custom sex toy, or you might not be sure. Pay attention to things like overall shape, texturing, and any additional features that are important to you (such as a large base, harness compatibility, or an ejaculation tube.) Aesthetics matter, too, but ignore colours for now because we’re going to customise those later in this process! Instead, think about what overall look or vibe speaks to you.

Though I’m not an Astrology Queer, my personal faves right now are the Zodiac collection just for how pretty and unusual they are.

Choosing Your Size

Once you’ve selected your base toy, it’s time to choose your size. Most Nothosaur toys come in a range of sizes, with anything from two to six options to pick from.

One unfortunate but pervasive belief about sex toys (like penises) is that bigger automatically equals better. This just isn’t true. Now perhaps giant toys are your thing! In which case, go nuts and pick the biggest size available. On the other hand, you might find very large insertables uncomfortable, painful, or just plain impractical to use. If so, choose a smaller product.

All Nothosaur toys have exact measurements for all sizes listed in the image gallery on the product pages. I highly recommend getting out a tape measure or ruler and checking the sizes before you make your selection so that you don’t end up with something far larger or far smaller than you expected.

Example of Nothosaur custom sex toys sizing breakdown
Example taken from toy “Graemen“

Pro tip: pay at least as much attention to girth as to length when you’re choosing an insertable toy. If a toy is too long for you, you can just use part of the shaft. If it’s too wide, though, you might not be able to use it at all.

Choosing Your Firmness Level

Next, you need to choose the firmness level of your custom sex toy. Not all Nothosaur toys have customisable firmness (ovipositors don’t, for example, as they are hollow) but the majority do. Most are available in soft, medium or firm, while some are available only in medium or firm. Nothosaur ships medium firmness toys by default, unless you choose a different option.

Ultimately, the firmness you choose is a matter of preference. Do you like your toys soft and squishy, or firm and rigid? Softer toys will generally be easier to use and insert than firmer toys, so can be a good choice for beginners. Smaller toys generally feel softer than larger ones, and those that are very girthy will also feel harder. For toys that stand up on their own, choosing medium or firm will give them a more stable base.

Nothosaur recommends soft or medium firmness if you’re wanting to do depth training with your toy for safety reasons.

Choosing Your Custom Colourway for Your Sex Toy

Now we get to the really fun part: making your custom sex toy look pretty!

Each Nothosaur toy has a default suggested colourway (or several), which you can choose. There are also an array of pre-set colour schemes available across many products. Personally I think “fairy” is probably the prettiest.

None of them quite calling to you? Then you can select “custom mode” and transform your toy to look exactly the way you want it to. You have seven types of custom colourways to choose from:

  • Solid: a single colour
  • Covered: an effect with one colour layered over another
  • Fade 2 colour: the top colour fades gradually into the bottom colour
  • Marble 2 colour: 2 colours swirled together
  • Marble 3 colour: 3 colours swirled together
  • Split 2 colour: the top is one colour, the base another
  • Split 3 colour: the top, middle, and base are each a different colour

There are 56 colours to choose from in total. Depending on the style you choose, you’ll then be prompted to select one, two, or three colours.

Nothosaur custom sex toys colour selection example
Example colour selection for “Fade 2 colour” style

Some very quick phone maths tells me that with these seven colourway options and 56 colours, that gives you over 18,000 possible combinations for your custom sex toy. And that’s without including Nothosaur’s suggested colourways or any of the other customisation options. In other words, your toy is sure to be unlike anyone else’s.

You can read more about the custom colour process and check out the colour guide to get inspired.

Adding Extras to Your Custom Sex Toy

Some Nothosaur toys (and some sizes) have additional customisation options available. For example, many of the products allow you to add a vac-u-lock hole and/or adaptor so that you can use your custom toy with a sex machine. Alternatively, you can stick with the default suction cup base, which allows you to affix your toy to any firm flat surface.

Finally, you can add any extras to your purchase, such as a bottle of lube or a drawstring storage bag for your toy.

And you’re done! It’s time to check out and wait for your custom toy to arrive. Make sure you triple-check everything before you pay, as custom orders are final and non-refundable once production of your toy has started.

How easy was that?

Thanks to Nothosaur for sponsoring this post. All views, as always, are mine. I’ll be back in January with a review of a custom toy I’ve designed using this process!

Header image for guest post on OCPD, sex and intimate relationships by Destiny Marshall

[Guest Post] Navigating Sex When You Have OCPD by Destiny Marshall

Published on by Amy

I’m sure you all know by now that I am passionate about mental health, destigmatising mental health challenges, and integrating our sex lives with our mental health in positive and sustainable ways. That’s why I was delighted to accept this guest post from writer Destiny Marshall (she/her) all about navigating sex and intimate relationships with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, or OCPD.

Navigating Sex When You Have OCPD by Destiny Marshall

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) is a mental health disorder that causes a chronic preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and control. A person with OCPD is rigid in the way they see life and carry out everyday tasks. Flexibility and compromise are dangerous and hated words. And they often don’t realise that their behaviour and thought patterns are problematic. As far as they’re concerned, their way is THE way, and you lot are just wrong.

OCPD is different from the more familiar Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). With OCD, unwanted and intrusive thoughts (obsessions) cause one to engage in repetitive behaviours (compulsions) to relieve the distress. People with OCD are usually aware that they have a problem and need professional help. Not so with OCPD folks.

When I got my OCPD diagnosis, my obsession with perfectionism and order and absolute control suddenly made a lot of sense. But I never considered that the disorder might be affecting my sex life. 

That was until one night, a partner texted to say they were in my neighbourhood and what about a quickie in the car? That sounded far from great to me. I’m not a spontaneous person who will just dash out their door to go grab an orgasm, even if they were in the mood and the world was ending in ten. If it’s not in my to-do list, it will have to wait to get pencilled in.

I tried to wiggle out of the proposition from my partner. But in the end, I acknowledged to myself that living a little would not kill me, even if it messed with my precious daily schedule.

The sex wasn’t bad. It could’ve been much more, but I couldn’t shake off the fact that this was deviating from how I thought sex should be. And that’s before we get into how tricky cleanup can be in a space as constricted as a car. I was thoroughly uncomfortable.

That experience made me introspect and realise all the tiny little ways that OCPD was sabotaging sex and intimate relationships for me.

A person with OCPD may find themselves having rigid expectations of how sex should play out—which is perfectly. Any deviation from this “ideal” is nothing short of a failure. And because life is life and we can’t guarantee perfection in every situation, OCPD folks find themselves in a pattern of avoidance, dissatisfaction, or both.

In trying to keep up to standard, people with OCPD may turn sex into a performance. You know what I’m talking about – hitting those moan-notes you think you ought to be hitting even when you’re not feeling like it; keeping it going even when your mind is no longer in it, because it’s supposed to be enjoyable and admitting it isn’t is a catastrophe of great magnitude.

Strategies for Navigating Sex, Intimate Relationships, and OCPD

Sex usually calls for some level of spontaneity and surrender. But are we really our OCPD selves if we relinquish control? The universe forbid we should let go and enjoy ourselves without inhibition!

It’s stifling. You want to live a little, but you feel like you’re wired not to. What to do?

Having OCPD and having a fun sex life don’t have to be mutually exclusive. In my experience, patience and communication and self-compassion can Make Love Great Again. Below are some strategies that have helped me. Feel free to pick what works for you and trash the rest:

Acknowledge Your Feelings

It’s essential to recognise and accept how you feel about sex. Whether you’re anxious, frustrated, or even ashamed of your struggles, these feelings are valid, and acknowledging them is the first step toward addressing them. Sit with yourself and have that solo TED Talk.

Communicate with Your Partner

One time, right before meeting up with a partner, I got into a depressive bout. I didn’t want to bail out because that would ruin my schedule and all the expectations, which would be unforgivable. At some point, prodded by my partner, I finally opened up about how I was feeling. They were super supportive, and we walked through our feelings to a place that felt good. It ended in the tenderest lovemaking.

Communicating with your partner is key. Let them know about your challenges and how OCPD affects your experience of sex. This builds understanding and a supportive environment where you both feel comfortable. Be honest, and set clear boundaries that make you feel safe. 

Focus on Connection, Not Perfection

Sex, like life, doesn’t have to be perfect to be enjoyable. We all know this, but we usually need to be reminded. 

Mindfully ground yourself in the present. Attune all your senses to the moment. When you find your mind wandering, gently draw yourself back to your body, where it is in space, and what’s happening to it.

Give yourself grace to let yourself go, then let yourself go. If it helps, take away attention from yourself: focus on the person(s) you’re with, and how they’re experiencing the moment with you.  

Develop a Pre-Sex Ritual…

Creating a pre-sex ritual can help you transition from your daily routine to a more relaxed state. Maybe you take a warm bath; practice mindful breathing; say a mantra (you can borrow mine: Right now, in this moment, pleasure, not perfection); or spend time cuddling with your partner. A ritual helps signal to your brain that it’s time to shift gears, which can help reduce anxiety.

…And a Post-Sex Ritual

It’s a lot easier for me to let myself go and get as messy as the situation calls for, when I know I can take all the time I need to clean and organise and get back into routine afterwards.

Personality disorders take time to work on. You’re not going to wave a wand and suddenly banish your desire for order and control. Making provisions for returning to whatever normalcy feels like for you after sex can help you enjoy the moment a lot more.

Seek Help

If OCPD is significantly affecting your sex life, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide you with tools to manage your symptoms and navigate sexual experiences more effectively.

If trustworthy professional help is something out of your reach (and even if it isn’t), prioritise self care. A therapy skills workbook, which you can work through at your own pace, can also help greatly.

Practise Self-Compassion

Living with OCPD can be challenging and it can make intimate relationships complicated. We tend to beat ourselves up for every little failure, real or imagined. Self-compassion, then, is a must. 

Remember to be kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned, and remember that it’s okay to struggle. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough. Paste that everywhere so you don’t forget for a second.

Celebrate small wins when you make progress, and forgive yourself when you fail a little. Everyone falls off sometimes. Even your favourite influencer.

So, yeah, sex can get messy and disorderly. But that’s not going to stop us from channelling our inner Inanna and lusting ourselves out, OCPD be damned. Amen.

About the Writer

Destiny Marshall is obsessed with the interconnectedness of mental health and sexuality. When she’s not writing about that, she works on her meme scientist ambitions and gets to know her bed better.

Header image for AcmeJoy sponsored post about thrusting sex toys

Thrusting Sex Toys: What, Why, and How to Choose The Right One for You

Published on by Amy

Based on how often I get asked for recommendations and how many companies are now making them, thrusting sex toys are seriously popular. That’s why I was excited to team up with AcmeJoy to bring you this guide on all things thrusting dildos, thrusting butt plugs, sex machines, and much more!

What Are Thrusting Sex Toys?

Thrusting toys are toys containing a motor that allow them to make a back-and-forth motion without the user needing to thrust manually. In other words, they mimic the feeling of penetrative sex with a partner.

Who Are Thrusting Sex Toys For?

In short, anyone who enjoys the sensation of having something thrusting into them. Most thrusting toys are aimed primarily at people with vulvas, but many of them are also totally safe to use anally, if that’s your thing. You could even use one orally, if you wanted.

A lot of people opt for thrusting toys as opposed to manual toys because, depending on the exact design and configuration, you can often use them hands-free. This both provides an experience that is more akin to having penetrative sex with a partner, and also frees up your hands to do other things.

What Kind of Thrusting Toys Are There?

There are numerous kinds of thrusting toys on the market. Search “thrusting” on any large sex toy retailer’s site and you’ll likely be met with at least a few different options. In this section I’ve broken down the main four categories of thrusting toys, though there is a lot of variation within each of these.

Some thrusting toys also vibrate, others don’t. Some offer different “patterns” of thrusting as well as the simple back-and-forth. Others feature rotating, heating, or other additional types of stimulation that you can play with. And, if you’re willing to pay a bit extra, you can even get thrusting toys that are app-controlled.

Sex Machines

Sex machines, AKA fucking machines, are large and usually freestanding devices that have a thrusting arm with a dildo or other toy attached. Fucking machines are popular, but they are also generally very expensive. And, for those with limited storage space or who are concerned about discretion, they’re pretty large and obvious. They can also be quite loud.

Thrusting Dildos

Thrusting dildos are like smaller, handheld versions of fucking machines. They come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, may or may not vibrate as well as thrusting, and may have other features such as balls or a suction cup.

Thrusting Rabbits

Thrusting rabbits are toys with a vibrating arm for clitoral stimulation and an insertable arm that thrusts. They are a popular alternative to traditional rabbit vibrators for those who enjoy a thrusting sensation internally rather than vibrations. (Though they do sometimes vibrate as well.)

Thrusting Anal Toys

Thrusting anal toys seem to be gaining in popularity. This category includes things like thrusting butt plugs and thrusting prostate massagers.

Thrusting Masturbators

Finally, we have thrusting masturbators for people with penises. These toys envelop part or all of your penis, then move up and down it in a thrusting motion designed to mimic the feeling of having penetrative sex with a partner.

How to Choose the Right Thrusting Toy for You

With so many thrusting sex toys on the market, how do you know which one to choose? There are a few factors you might want to take into consideration.

You may already know whether you are looking for a toy for your vagina, penis, anus, or some combination. First, always choose a toy made of a body-safe material. For a thrusting toy, this likely means 100% silicone. Avoid anything made of gel, jelly, rubber, PVC, latex, TPE/TPR, soft plastic, and so on. The one exception to this is that TPE/TPR is okay for external-only toys (e.g. penis masturbators) as long as you don’t expect them to last forever. If you are going to use the toy anally, it must also have a flared base for safety.

Next, think about the size and shape that works for you. Despite what marketing claims and mainstream porn will tell you, bigger isn’t always better when it comes to penetrative toys. Instead of choosing the most enormous toy you can find, think about what size is likely to actually work for you. Don’t forget about the length of the trust, too. Some people enjoy long and deep thrusting, while others find it painful or uncomfortable. If you’re in the latter category, a toy with a shorter thrust length will work better. In terms of shape and design, do you want heavily textured, slightly textured, or smooth? Curved or straight?

Aesthetics can be important, too. Do you want a realistic, semi-realistic, or non-realistic toy? If you’re going for realism, do you want the toy to match your or your partner’s skin tone as closely as possible or don’t you care? If you’re going for non-realistic, what kinds of colours or styles appeal to you instead?

Finally, think about what additional features are important to you. Do you want a warming toy for a more realistic experience? Are you willing to pay extra for remote control or app control functionality? Do you want a suction cup, a harness-compatible base, vibrations?

As with choosing any type of toy, getting to know your own body and preferences will help you to choose the best thrusting sex toys for you. Reading reviews is also a great way to understand more about how different toys function and what users like and dislike about them.

Thanks to AcmeJoy for sponsoring this post. All writing and views are, as always, mine.

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Buying Guide: The Best Clit Grinder Sex Toys

Published on by Amy

My clit grinder sex toy obsession is well-documented at this point. I think grinder toys are woefully underrated in general and deserve to be far more widely appreciated. So in that spirit, today’s buying guide is all about some of the best grinders currently on the market (in my opinion.)

What is a Clit Grinder and Who Is It For?

Godemiche Vibe Pads in "Jelly Bean" and "Ridges" textures

In a nutshell, a grinder or clit grinder is a toy designed to stimulate the clitoris and vulva when the user moves against it in a grinding motion. Grinder toys provide external stimulation that is highly customisable, because you can change the intensity, pressure, or focus of the stimulation just by shifting your position or weight distribution.

Grinder toys are amazing for anyone with a vulva and clit who enjoys external touch, though some folks with penises do also enjoy them. They are usually made of silicone, and come in a wide array of different shapes, sizes, textures, and designs. Most will be flat and smooth on one side, to allow you to place them face-up on a surface, with a raised and textured area on the other side.

Some grinder toys come with additional features, such as vibrating functionality, a hole for a penis or dildo to fit through, or straps so that you can attach the grinder to a surface.

About This List

Tentacle grinder from Uncover Creations in purple

Like all my buying guides, this post does not pretend to be a comprehensive list of all the amazing clit grinders that are available. There are hundreds if not thousands of these products on the market, and I have of course not tried them all. Therefore, please take this for what it is: a set of suggested products that I recommend and that may suit you, depending on your needs.

Everything listed here is from a manufacturer/retailer I trust, and links are affiliate links. This means that if you click on the links and make a purchase, I earn a small commission at no additional cost to you. I do not work for or claim to represent any of these companies, and any purchase you make is a contract with them and not with me.

Everything I recommend here is made of a body-safe material and is, to the best of my knowledge, safe for normal use. Where possible, I have tried to provide options at a range of price points. Products in lists are ordered from the cheapest to the most expensive.

Let’s dive in.

Best Single Texture Clit Grinder Toys

Godemiche Hearts Grind Ring with Lovehoney clitoral balm

Single-texture grinders are great to start with if you’re new to grinding toys. These toys offer a single, uniform texture ranging from very gentle to very intense.

For this purpose, I think the Godemiche Grind Pad is very hard to beat. With optional removeable straps and a choice of three available textures, there are numerous customisations you can make to get the perfect toy for you. Not sure where to start? Waves is the absolute best texture in my opinion. Or, of course, you can get a set of three to try all the textures!

None of these textures grabbing you? The Grind Ring range has even more options to choose from. Bubbles is great if you prefer a gentler sensation, and Tall Pyramids is a great choice if you want much more intensity.

Best Dual Texture Clit Grinder Toys

Godemiche dual texture clit grinder collection

Looking for something different or something a little more intense? If so, dual texture grinders can be a great choice. These toys combine two textures to create a different and more varied sensation than a single texture.

This is another Godemiche recommendation. I recently got to try their new Dual Texture Clit Grinder toys and they are just amazing. Again, there are numerous customisation options, from texture to height of the mound and even the level of softness or firmness you want.

Check out my review to help you choose the best options for you. Personally, I can’t get enough of the Bubbles and Bumps combo.

Best Fantasy Grinders

Meo's Scales dragon grinder fantasy sex toy from Nothosaur

Fantasy grinders tap into the same market as tentacle dildos, alien toys, and so on. They’re for anyone who has ever fantasised about having sex with a mystical creature (a much more common fetish than you might think!) I don’t personally have that kink, but I have found that fantasy grinders have some of the best textures out there due to their level of detailing.

For me, Uncover Creations is unbeatable in this regard. Their Tentacle Grinder II is one of the most-used toys in my collection, and is the closest a toy has ever come to making me feel like I was receiving cunnilingus from a partner. For those who prefer a gentler grinder, check out the Snystyl. And if you’re looking for all-over texture that’s so intense it’s almost overwhelming, the original Tentacle Grinder is a great choice.

Both Uncover Creations tentacle grinders are also available from Shevibe.

Another fantastic purveyor of fantasy grinders is Nothosaur. Their Meo’s Scales dragon grinder (pictured), in particular, is incredible and fast becoming a favourite.

Best Vibrating Grinders

Godemiche Vibe Pad hump toys with Rocks Off RO80 bullet vibrator

Vibrating clit grinders take the tried-and-true pleasure of vibrations and add them to grinding toys. Occasionally these are built-in, but more often they come in the form of a removeable bullet vibrator and a space to add it to the toy.

Many of Uncover Creations’ grinders can have a bullet vibrator added, and Godemiche’s Vibe Pad range is specifically designed with this in mind. There’s also the V-Plate add on, an optional extra which allows you to turn any Godemiche Grind Ring into a vibrating toy!

I find that vibrations work best on clit grinders that have a texture with more flexibility, as they allow it to “flutter”. I’ve particularly found that textures such as Uncover Creations’ Synstyl and Godemiche’s Spikes and Tall Pyramids work well with a vibrator.

Best Cock Ring Grinders

Godemiche Grind Ring silicone sex toy in Bubbles and Waves

Cock ring grinder toys come with a hole through which to put a penis (or a strap-on or dildo). The main idea is that they provide more pleasure for the receptive partner during penetrative penis-in-vagina sex.

Godemiche’s Grind Rings are, of course, the original and best cock ring clit grinder toys. However, another one I’ve tried recently is Uncover Creations’ Tentacle II cock ring, a smaller version of their amazing grinder I mentioned above (kindly sent to me by Shevibe!) There are also cock ring versions of the Synstyl and original Tentacle Grinders, though I haven’t tried these personally.

It can take a little practice to use a grinder cock ring effectively. You’ll need to experiment to figure out which positions and angles work best for you. In general, those with lots of close body contact tend to be easiest. You might also find that steadying the toy in place with your hand can help in some positions.

Pyramid Spikes and Tall Pyramids Grind Rings from Godemiche

I hope this guide to some of the best grinder toys on the market has been helpful! Drop me a line if you have any questions or if you have a suggestion for what buying guides you’d like me to do next.

Thanks to the manufacturers and retailers who sent me their various clit grinder toys to try, including Godemiche, Uncover Creations, Shevibe, and Nothosaur!

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Trauma Informed Polyamory: How Harmful Past Experiences Can Impact Your Polyamorous Relationships and 5 Things You Can Do About It [Polyamory Conversation Cards #17]

Published on by Amy

Unless we have been exceptionally lucky, almost all of us have experienced pain, harm, and trauma in our lives. This can range from the regular “difficult stuff” of life (bad breakups, relationship struggles, work woes, money worries, and so on) through to abuse, loss and grief, serious illness or injury, and more. We carry these experiences with us and, in many cases, they can continue to harm us long after the original bad thing has passed. In both polyamory and monogamy, taking a trauma informed approach can help to mitigate the impact of those bad experiences in future relationships.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“What do your partners need to know about anxieties or bad experiences you’ve had in the past that might influence your relationships?”

So today we’re talking how harmful past experiences that can impact your polyamorous relationships and how to navigate these challenges successfully by taking a trauma informed approach to polyamory.

How Past Harms Can Impact Current Relationships

We are all a product of the various life experiences we have had, beginning pretty much from birth. There is now good evidence, for example, that our attachment styles are formed in very early childhood in response to our relationships with our primary caregivers. Bad experiences in relationships, in particular—from painful breakups to abuse—can continue to impact us in future relationships.

Has your partner ever done something, even innocuously or with good intentions, that reminded you of a past trauma or a bad experience in another relationship? If so, you might be familiar with those awful feelings of your stomach dropping, your nervous system kicking into high gear, or your fight-flight-freeze-fawn impulses jumping to life.

Perhaps you reacted badly, as though you were still living through the past experience. Perhaps you got extremely upset or distressed, or fought with your partner. Maybe they were confused, hurt, or angry because they didn’t understand where this extreme reaction had come from.

In a less obvious but no less damaging way, harmful past experiences can cause us to put up walls, refuse to make ourselves vulnerable, hold back from trusting even the most trustworthy partners, or even hesitate to form intimate relationships at all.

A Trauma Informed Approach to Love and Relationships: How Past Harms Can Show Up in Polyamory

In many ways, the manifestation of harmful and traumatic past experiences in present relationships is broadly similar whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous. However, there are particular and specific ways this can manifest in polyamory that aren’t relevant in monogamy. Most commonly, this appears in the context of your feelings about or reactions to your partner(s) having relationships with other people.

For example, past relationship traumas or attachment wounds can manifest in extreme jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, or anxiety around your partners’ other relationships. Some people will turn these feelings outwards, attempting to control their partners or implement rigid rules in an attempt to keep themselves safe. Others will turn them inwards, convincing themselves that they are unworthy, unloveable, and that their partners are inevitably going to leave them for other people.

You might experience intense feelings such as sadness or rage, or you might feel empty or “numb”. You might experience intense feelings of fear, rejection, abandonment and so on. This can happen even if polyamory is something you genuinely want and are wholeheartedly on board with and consenting to.

…And 5 Positive Things You Can Do About It

So you’ve identified that in some way, your past experiences are having a detrimental impact on your current relationship(s.) In this section we’ll look at five things you can do about it.

This is not a recipe to never feel difficult feelings in polyamory again. This also isn’t a substitute for professional support in dealing with your struggles. It’s just a collecton of tools that I and my partners and friends have found helpful, in the hope that some of them might help you too.

1. Take Stock to Make Sure Patterns Aren’t Repeating

Sometimes, triggers or responses to bad past experiences are inaccurate. They are simply your mind trying to protect you and being a little over-vigilant about it (more on this in section 5 below). However, sometimes they’re also on to something real.

Take a moment, once you’ve calmed your immediate nervous system response, to take a critical look at your situation and take stock. What is actually happening? How do you feel about it? A trauma informed approach to polyamory, and relationships generally, also involves making sure damaging patterns aren’t repeating.

It is possible that your current partner really is doing something similar to you that a past partner did, whether intentionally or accidentally. If so, this might require action, from talking to your partner up to leaving the relationship. It’s also possible that your feelings are revealing an unmet need in your relationships, which you can address with your partner(s) once you’ve identified it.

In other words, before you assume your reaction is irrational or doesn’t reflect your current reality, make sure that’s actually true. Trauma survivors are notoriously good at gaslighting ourselves and convincing ourselves that our valid and rational responses to present harm are simply a manifestation of our past experiences.

2. Talk to Your Partner(s) and Ask For What You Need

Good partners want to love and support you through difficulties. In safe relationships, it is vital that you have a space to tell your partners that you are struggling and ask for support.

Try to have this conversation when you’re calm, not while triggered or in the immediate aftermath. Tell your partner(s) about the past experiences that are coming up for you, how you are feeling, what strategies you’ve tried so far if any, and what you think you might need from them.

It’s also okay to not be sure what you need and to ask your partner(s) to help you come up with possible solutions, try things out, and figure it out as you go.

3. See a Trauma Informed, Polyamory-Informed Therapist

When it comes to dealing with trauma or bad past experiences, there is really no substitute for professional therapy. If you can possibly afford it (or live in a country with a functioning socialised mental health system!) then get yourself into therapy. Many therapists also offer sliding scale systems to help those on lower incomes to access treatment. Look for a sex-positive and polyamory-informed therapist if you can.

In addition to trauma informed therapy (not instead of!), some people may find it helpful to work with a polyamory relationship coach. Coaches are not therapists, and are not qualified to help you through trauma and mental health struggles. However, they can help you to develop skills that will improve your polyamorous relationships, teach you more about yourself, and teach you various tools you can use to manage challenges when they come up.

4. Trauma Informed Polyamory Practice: Learn to Identify Your Triggers (and Short-Circuit Them)

Chances are, if you pay attention, you will be able to identify some common themes in the specific past experiences that are coming up for you and the ways that they manifest in your relationship(s.) Start identifying your specific triggers, or the things that cause you to feel those intense and painful feelings associated with past trauma.

Once you understand what’s being triggered and why, you can implement strategies to bring yourself out of that place more quickly. What will work for you is deeply personal, but here are a few possibilities you might like to try:

  • Giving yourself reassurance, either out loud or in your head, that you are safe and that your partner is not the person/people who harmed you (my therapist likes the phrase “that was then, and this is now”)
  • Taking some deep, intentional breaths (e.g. breathing in for a count of four, holding, then breathing out for another count of four)
  • Doing something physical such as dancing, running, yoga, or even just a few stretches
  • Pausing to count to 10 before reacting
  • Distracting yourself with reading, TV, a video game, a craft project, or any other activity you enjoy
  • Getting out of your head and into your body by doing something physically pleasurable such as taking a hot bath or masturbating

By learning how to calm your nervous system from the immediate, overwhelming intensity of a triggering incident, you can better self-regulate and then address things from a healthier and calmer place.

5. Trauma Informed Polyamory Practice: Give Yourself Time and Grace

Here’s something I want you to understand: in holding on to these past experiences, your mind and body are trying to keep you safe. They want to prevent you from further harm and keep you from finding yourself in the same situation again.

That is amazing.

If you can, try to show grace and give thanks to the parts of you that are trying to protect you, even while reminding them that they can dial back their vigilance because you are safe now.

I find the technique of self-parenting helpful here. What would you say to an upset or distressed child who was feeling something like what you’re feeling? How would you treat them? Now offer that support, understanding, and compassion to yourself.

These things take time. Your traumatic or harmful past experiences were real and it’s understandable that they still impact you. But you’ve got this.

Trauma Informed Polyamory and Relationships: Resources

This stuff is complicated and I cannot possibly create a comprehensive guide. These are a few resources that helped me; maybe they’ll help you too.

This post contains affiliate links.

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Buying Guide: The Best Vibrating Butt Plugs for Anal August and Beyond

Published on by Amy

We’re still in Anal August, just about! But, of course, any time of year is a great time to experiment with anal play if you’re interested or curious. So, following on from my round-ups of the best butt plugs and the best anal beads, I’m bringing you my final Anal August buying guide: today we’re looking at the best vibrating butt plugs currently on the market.

Black silicone and silver stainless steel butt plugs, for a post on the best vibrating butt plugs on the market

To learn more about butt plugs more generally, as well as how to choose a safe and quality one, refer back to my best butt plugs roundup linked in the paragraph above. In it, I share what makes a butt plug safe or unsafe, how to use them safely and pleasurably, and some things to look out for when shopping.

In a very small nutshell, a butt plug must always:

  • Have a flared base, large handle, or something similar to stop it slipping all the way inside you
  • Be made of a body-safe and non-porous material such as silicone, glass, or stainless steel

It’s also essential to use plenty of lube when you’re playing with an anal plug since the butt isn’t self-lubricating.

About This List

Three silicone butt plugs in black, purple and pink, for a post on the best vibrating butt plugs on the market

None of my buying guides are, or pretend to be, comprehensive lists of all the great options available. There are thousands of these products on the market of varying quality. I am simply here to guide you towards some of the possible vibrating butt plug options that might suit you.

Everything listed here is from a manufacturer/retailer I trust, and links are affiliate links. This means that if you click on the links and make a purchase, I earn a small commission at no additional cost to you. I do not work for or claim to represent any of these companies, and any purchase you make is a contract with them and not with me.

Everything I recommend here is made of a body-safe material and is, to the best of my knowledge, safe for normal use. Where possible, I have tried to provide options at a range of price points. Products in lists are ordered from the cheapest to the most expensive.

Let’s dive in.

Best Vibrating Silicone Anal Plugs

A basic vibrating butt plug made of silicone is a great option if you are exploring these toys for the first time. There are countless options available, but these are a few I’d suggest starting with:

Best Remote Control Butt Plugs

One of the downsides of vibrating butt plugs with controls on the toy is that it can be difficult to change the settings when it’s inside you. You can sidestep that problem with remote control plugs like these:

Best App Control Butt Plugs

Enjoy using remote control toys? Step it up a notch with app-controlled toys. These are also a great option if you want to play with a partner long-distance. These are some of the very best vibrating butt plugs with app control options in my opinion.

Best Rimming Plugs

This section is going to be a bit different as I don’t have options from multiple manufacturers for you here. Rimming plugs were invented and pioneered by B-Vibe, and they are still pretty much the only company making them! In short, rimming plugs utilise rotating beads in the neck to mimic the sensation of being rimmed (that’s when someone uses their tongue on your butt. Many people find it incredibly erotic.)

Check out B-Vibe’s vibrating rimming butt plug range, which come in sizes from petite to extra large and range in price from $159.99 to $174.99.

Best Vibrating Glass and Metal Anal Plugs

There are many glass and metal butt plugs on the market, but far fewer that vibrate. As such, I’ve combined them into one for this post. If you’re in the mood for something rigid, glass and metal are great options. They’re also great for temperature play as they conduct heat well. And, since they don’t dampen the vibrations in the same way that silicone does, they can be seriously intense.

Best Vibrating Butt Plugs Under £25/$30

You don’t need to spend a fortune to get safe and quality toys! In my opinion, these are some of the best vibrating butt plugs available for those on a budget.

Purple silicone butt plug and lube held in a woman's hands, for a post on the best vibrating butt plugs on the market

I hope this list of some of the best vibrating butt plugs has been helpful! Please let me know if you have any questions or if there’s a particular buying guide you want me to do next.

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Buying Guide: The Best Butt Plugs for Anal August and Beyond

Published on by Amy

August is a great time to buy anal toys. I have no idea where this “Anal August” thing initially came from (the mind of some enterprising marketing person, probably!) but what it means is that virtually every sex toy retailer you can think of will be running some kind of promotion on butt toys this month. Last week I told you all about the best anal beads on the market. Today we’re continuing that theme with another anal toys buying guide, this time focusing on the best butt plugs for a variety of needs.

What is a Butt Plug?

Two butt plugs, one black and one pink on a pale pink background. For a post on the best butt plugs

A butt plug is simply a toy that is designed to be inserted into the anus. However, unlike many other types of toys, the main purpose of a butt plug is to remain in place for a period of time. In other words, rather than thrusting or taking it in and out, you put it in and then leave it.

Butt plugs come in numerous shapes, sizes, and materials. They are usually narrower towards the tip and then get wider before narrowing again. A bulb, teardrop, or cone shape is the most typical, though there are plenty of variations. All butt plugs must have a large base or handle – we’ll go into this more in the next section.

Butt plugs stimulate the sensitive nerve endings in and around the anus. If you have a prostate (that’s most people assigned male at birth), some plugs can also stimulate this highly sensitive organ.

Some people like to wear a butt plug during sex or masturbation to enhance pleasure. Some use them to prepare for anal sex as they can help the butt to relax and get ready to take a penis or dildo. Others like to discreetly wear a butt plug under their clothes as they go about their day. For some people, this can be part of a BDSM or power exchange relationship (e.g. a Dominant instructing their submissive to wear a plug when they go out.)

What to Look For When Choosing the Best Butt Plugs for You

Two butt plugs made of metal, one showing a heart crystal butt plug base. For a post on the best butt plugs

As with all sex toys, safety comes first when you’re choosing the best butt plugs for you. Anal toys must always, always have a large, flared base or handle. This prevents them from getting sucked up inside your butt and getting stuck, which can be extremely dangerous and cause serious damage to your body.

Butt plugs must also be made from a body-safe material. Silicone, glass, aluminium, and stainless steel are all good options. Avoid toxic materials such as jelly, rubber, PVC, and “soft plastics.” Avoid porous materials such as TPE and TPR, too, as these will harbour bacteria and can cause infection.

Once you’ve taken safety into account, it’s all about preferences. Do you want a softer and squishier plug (in which case you probably want a silicone toy) or a more rigid one (in which case glass or metal will be your friend?) What sort of size works for you? Do you want your butt plug to vibrate?

How to Use Butt Plugs Pleasurably and Safely

Stainless steel butt plug, silicone butt plug and glass butt plug on a pale pink background. For a post on the best butt plugs

There is a common misconception that anal play is painful. It does not have to be and, in fact, shouldn’t be. It can be intense, and may be challenging, but pain is a sign that something isn’t right and you should pause, adjust, or stop. Never force something into a butt that isn’t ready.

When you start playing with butt plugs, begin with a small plug and go slowly. Listen to your body and try not to have a specific goal in mind. If you get the plug all the way in, great! If you don’t but you still had fun, amazing! Kept it in for a minute or ten minutes or an hour? Go you!

Adequate lubrication is also absolutely critical. Unlike the vagina, the butt is not self-lubricating. A good quality water-based lube will work with all types of butt plugs. Personally I find that thicker, gel-type water-based lubes are ideal for anal play. Sliquid Sassy and Vibeology Pure are two gentle and body-friendly options I recommend.

Finally, keep things hygienic. Coming into contact with small amounts of fecal matter is pretty much inevitable when you’re doing anal play, even after washing, and butt germs can make you sick if you’re not careful. Wash your hands before and after inserting your toy or doing any kind of anal stimulation. Learn how to properly sterilise your sex toys (the boiling method is best for silicone toys.) At a minimum, wipe your toys with a body-safe sterile wipe and wash them with soap and water before and after use. Never use an unsterilised toy vaginally or orally after it has been inside a butt. Check your toys before you use them and retire any that have cracks, splits, tears, or other damage to the material.

About This List

Person's hand reaching for a stainless steel butt plug on a bedside table. For a post on the best butt plugs

There are thousands upon thousands of variations of these toys available on the market, and this list is in no way intended to be comprehensive. The best butt plugs for you will always be a somewhat personal and subjective decision. What I have aimed to do here is to guide you towards safe and quality products that might suit you, depending upon your requirements.

Everything listed here is from a manufacturer/retailer I trust, and many of the links are affiliate links. This just means that if you make a purchase, I make a small commission at no additional cost to you. I do not work for or claim to represent any of these companies, and any purchase you make is a contract with them and not with me.

Everything I recommend here is made of a body-safe material and is, to the best of my knowledge, safe for normal use. Where possible, I have tried to provide options at a range of price points. Products in lists are ordered from the cheapest to the most expensive.

Let’s go, shall we?

Best Basic Silicone Butt Plugs

Basic silicone plugs are probably the best option for beginners. They’re also the most versatile and amongst the easiest to use. Silicone is soft, and comes in a range of firmness and flexibility levels. This is probably also the most ubiquitous category of butt plug, with virtually every sex toy manufacturer and retailer having their own variation on this theme. Here are a few I trust.

Best Glass Anal Plugs

Glass is a fantastic material for sex toys (and no, it won’t break inside you!) Glass butt plugs are rigid yet smooth, and allow you to play with temperatures by warming or cooling them if you want to. Look for borosilicate glass – that’s similar to the stuff that Pyrex cookwear is made from – for the safest and most durable options.

Best Stainless Steel Butt Plugs

Many people find the look and feel of stainless steel extremely sexy. Its weight can also add a little extra stimulation, ensuring you feel your toy every single time you move. Like glass, stainless steel is ideal for playing with different temperatures, too. Other metals such as aluminium are body-safe alternatives (as long as you don’t have an allergy) that may be cheaper, but stainless steel is always the best choice for metal sex toys if you can afford it.

Best Extra Large Butt Plugs

I never recommend starting out with large toys when you’re new to anal play. However, once you’ve got a bit of experience under your belt, you might be curious about larger toys. These extra large butt plugs – each at least 5″ in usable length and at least 2″ in diameter – are great choices for advanced players seeking a challenge.

Best Slimline Anal Plugs

Slimmer butt plugs are great for beginners, for all-day wear… and just for anyone who prefers a smaller toy. These are some of the best butt plugs with a diameter of less than 1″ at the widest point.

Best Jewelled Butt Plugs

Some people love butt plugs not just for how they feel, but for how they look. There are numerous decorative options available in all kinds of styles, but jewelled plugs – which have a jewel or crystal set into the base – are amongst the most popular. Here are a few I love.

Note: I don’t recommend boil-sterilising crystal/jewel plugs as this can damage the glue and cause the gem to fall out. Use a sterile wipe and warm water with antibacterial soap instead.

Best Butt Plug Sets

Butt plug sets are great for those who are new to anal play and don’t know what sizes work for them yet. They’re also great for anyone doing anal training… or just for people who are in the mood for different things on different days. Here are some of the best butt plugs sets that offer a range of sizes to choose from.

Best Butt Plugs Under £15/$20

Great sex toys need not be expensive. Though you’ll pay a premium for some brands, there are also lots of great budget options on the market. Here are a few of them.

Hand holding a purple silicone butt plug on a pink background. For a post on the best butt plugs

And there you have it! A massive round-up of some of the best butt plugs on the market for all preferences and budgets this Anal August and beyond. Happy shopping and, if you have any questions, just drop me a line and I’ll do my best to help.

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Buying Guide: The Best Anal Beads for Anal August and Beyond

Published on by Amy

I have no idea where the idea of “Anal August” originated, and I have to assume it was initially a marketing ploy to promote either sex toys or content. Regardless, it seems to be here to stay and virtually every sex toy retailer I work with is running some kind of related promotion. This means it’s a pretty good time to buy anal toys! Choosing the best anal beads, vibrating anal toys, butt plug, prostate massager, or other anal toys for your needs can be a minefield, though, with thousands of products of varying quality flooding the market.

That’s why I’m going to be running a series of anal-themed buying guides throughout August to help you. Today we’re looking at anal beads.

What Are Anal Beads?

Two sets of silicome anal beads on a yellow background for a post on the best anal beads

In a nutshell, anal beads are sex toys made up of a string of beads (anything from 3 to 10+) that go up your butt. They usually end in a base, ring, or similar handle. This is both for safety (more on this below!) and to make it easier to hold and manipulate the beads. Most anal beads are tapered, with the smallest beads towards the tip and the largest towards the base. There are exceptions, though.

Unlike butt plugs—which are designed to be inserted and then left alone for a period of time—anal beads are designed to be inserted and removed repeatedly, much like you would with a dildo. Most people prefer to do this fairly slowly and gradually rather than hard and fast thrusting, but you can experiment to see what feels best to you. In this way, the beads stimulate the sensitive nerve endings around the entrance to your butt as well as those inside. If you are someone who has a prostate – that’s most people who were assigned male at birth—then anal beads can also be a great way to stimulate this incredibly sensitive and pleasurable area.

Some people say that using a set of anal beads during sex or masturbation and then pulling them out at the point of climax intensifies their orgasm.

What to Look For When Choosing the Best Anal Beads for You

Black anal beads lying on a bed, for a post on the best anal beads

First and foremost, it is important to make sure the anal beads you are choosing are safe. There are three main things you should look for to help you choose a safe product:

  1. A body-safe material such as silicone, glass, or stainless steel. Avoid toxic materials such as jelly, PVC, rubber, and soft plastics. It is particularly important to avoid porous materials (including TPE and TPR) for anal toys as it is impossible to get them completely clean. In addition, avoid toys where the beads are threaded together with string or similar. This, too, is impossible to sterilise and can be a vector for introducing bacteria and potential infection to your body.
  2. A flared or otherwise large base. This is extremely important for any anal toy. Without it, the toy can get lost or stuck inside your body, which can be a serious medical emergency.
  3. Beads that are well-made. The material should be free from any rough or uneven areas and there should be no cracks, tears, or other damage.

After that, it’s largely a matter of preference. Do you prefer girthier or slimmer toys? Longer or shorter ones? Softer or firmer textures? Silicone beads are softer and more flexible than glass or metal, but harder materials can provide more intense sensations. They also offer other fun possibilities such as temperature play. Do you want your anal beads to have a vibrating option?

How to Use Anal Beads Pleasurably and Safely

Black anal beads, pink anal beads, pink rabbit vibrator and black butt plug. For a post on the best anal beads

Using anal beads is pretty easy, but once you’ve selected your toy there are a few things you need to be aware of to ensure you have a safe and fun time.

First, adequate lubrication is essential. A water-based lube is best for use with anal toys, especially if the toys are made of silicone. You might want to choose a thicker, gel-type lubricant for anal play.

It’s also important to start slowly. Anal play can be intense, but it should not be painful. If something feels wrong, stop or adjust. And never, ever force something inside before your butt is ready. This can tear the delicate tissue and lead to pain, bleeding, and ongoing complications.

Finally, hygiene is even more important when it comes to anal sex toys. I recommend sterilising your toys between uses (the boiling method is best for silicone toys.) At a minimum, wipe them with a body-safe sterile wipe and then give them a good wash with soap and water. Never use a toy vaginally or orally after it has been used in a butt until it has been fully sterilised. Check your toys before you use them and, if there are any rips, tears, cracks, or other damage to the material, retire them.

About This List

Glass and metal anal beads, stainless steel anal beads and glass anal beads

This is by no means meant to be a comprehensive list of all the quality anal beads toys out there. There are thousands – tens of thousands, probably – of variations of these products available, and the best anal beads for you will always be a somewhat subjective decision. Instead, this is designed to help guide you towards some of the versions that might suit you depending on your requirements.

Everything listed here is from a manufacturer/retailer I trust, and links are affiliate links. This means I make a small commission on your purchases at no additional cost to you. I do not work for or claim to represent any of these companies, and any purchase you make is a contract with them and not with me.

Everything I recommend here is made of a body-safe material and is, to the best of my knowledge, safe for normal use. Where possible, I have tried to provide options at a range of price points. Products in lists are ordered from the cheapest to the most expensive.

With that said, let’s get going.

Best Basic Silicone Anal Beads

Basic silicone anal beads are ideal if you’re on a budget or just exploring anal beads for the first time. There are countless options on the market in this category, but here are a few I trust:

Best Glass Beads

Glass is a fantastic material for sex toys. It is smooth, rigid and unyielding and also allows you to play with temperature by warming it up or cooling it down if you want to.

Best Metal Beads

Metal, like glass, is rigid and perfect for temperature play. Some people also find its aesthetic incredibly sexy! Stainless steel is the best material for metal sex toys, though other metals (aluminium is a popular choice) can work for most people as long as you don’t have an allergy, and may be cheaper.

Best Vibrating Anal Beads

Vibrators aren’t just for clits. Adding vibrations to your anal beads can take your butt pleasure to an entirely new level. Here are some of the best vibrating anal beads currently on the market in my opinion, including both close-range and remote control options.

Best Long Anal Beads

Sometimes you want a little (or a lot) extra depth! These are some of the best anal beads measuring at least 9″ in length.

Best Girthy Anal Beads

If girth matters as much or more to you than length, you’ll love these girthy anal beads.

Best Slimline Anal Beads

On the other hand, perhaps slimmer anal beads are more comfortable and pleasurable for you. If so, these are some of the best options with a diameter of 1″ or less.

Best Curved Anal Beads

Curved anal beads are a particularly great choice for directly targeting the prostate, which is located a couple of inches inside the rectum (below the bladder) towards the front wall.

Best Anal Beads Sets

Perhaps you’re new to anal toys and not sure what you like yet, or maybe you’re just in the mood for different things on different days. The best anal beads sets offer toys in a range of sizes.

Best Options Under £20/$25

Depending on the features and materials you’re looking for, anal beads—like all sex toys—can be expensive. However, they needn’t be if you’re just after something fairly basic. Sadly, a lot of cheap sex toys on the market are poorly made or use unsafe materials. Here are five of the best anal beads retailing for under £20 or $25.

Pink anal beads on display in a sex toy shop

Hopefully this guide has helped to demystify the buying process and help you to choose the best anal beads for you! What buying guides do you want to see from me in the future?