Tag: sex toys

Pink background with speech bubble saying "where can I buy a realistic sex doll?" Post sponsored by BestRealDoll

Where Can I Find a Realistic Sex Doll?

Published on by Amy

Readers and workshop participants, particularly cis men, ask me a lot about where to buy a realistic sex doll. There has seemingly been a huge increase in the popularity of sex dolls recently, perhaps simply due to their greater availability from retailers such as BestRealDoll. (Isn’t the internet great?) The idea of a realistic sex doll appeals to a great number of people for many different reasons. But where can you find one… and why might you want to?

What Are Realistic Sex Dolls?

Realistic sex doll with blonde hair wearing a blue low cut dress

A sex doll is simply an inanimate object, usually made of a material such as silicone or TPE, designed to resemble a human body (or part of one) and to be used for sexual purposes. Fundamentally, they’re nothing more or less than a type of sex toy.

Realistic sex dolls are available in all kinds of designs. The most common are designed to resemble cis female bodies. However, there are also sex dolls modelled after cis male or trans bodies.

“Realistic”, of course, is relative. No doll is going to 100% resemble a human partner. However, some dolls have that “uncanny valley” creepiness about them while others are much more lifelike.

It is important to note that sex dolls are often exaggerations or charicatures rather than realistic representations. They may emphasise particular features (such as large breasts or penises, tiny waists, or round butts) in a way that is not entirely in line with how real human bodies tend to look.

At least anecdotally, cis men are by far the most likely demographic to own a realistic sex doll. But people of all genders can and do own and use them.

Sex Dolls Are Controversial

Let’s clear one thing up: there is absolutely, positively no such thing as a sex doll that is sentient in any way. Despite the moral panics about AI sex robots that pop up every now and then, they are still largely the stuff of science fiction and experts believe they will never be commonplace.

Even so, a realistic sex doll – one made to look like a human – seems to stir up strong emotions for some in a way that other types of sex toys do not. Some believe that they are a threat to human partners and could potentially replace them. Others feel as though they could lead to abuse, violence, or dehumanisation against human partners.

I do not believe any of this. I also do not believe that there is any inherent ethical problem with using a sex doll, realistic or otherwise. They’re no different from a dildo, vibrator, stroker, or other sex toy. I’d need to see some serious, hard evidence to be convinced that there’s anything even remotely inherently harmful about them.

What Are Some Things You Can Do With a Realistic Sex Doll?

The most obvious reason to buy a realistic sex doll, of course, is to masturbate with a toy that looks and feels somewhat like having sex with a human partner. But beyond this, there are so many different ways to enjoy your sex doll. Here are just a few you might want to consider:

  • Live out fantasies around particular sex acts or having sex with a person with specific physical attributes
  • Try out new techniques that you might want to bring into the bedroom with your human partner(s)
  • Experiment with threesome, group sex, or same-gender fantasies without the emotional risk involved in bringing in other human partners
  • Play with kink scenarios such as cockolding, cuckqueaning, exhibitionism, and voyeurism

To me, the much more interesting question is: what would you like to do with a realistic sex doll? What about this type of toy appeals to you specifically?

So Where Can I Buy a Realistic Sex Doll?

As with so many things these days, the answer is “on the internet, of course!” You might be able to buy a sex doll at your local adult boutique or sex shop, but (due to the size, cost, and variety of sex dolls on the market) the selection is likely to be very small.

Fortunately, there are now numerous companies manufacturing and selling sex dolls online. With so many options out there, it’s important to do your research, read reviews, and understand what you’re buying. Good sex dolls are expensive, so don’t rush your purchase.

BestRealDoll offer what they proudly call “the world’s most realistic adult sex dolls.” Options range from basic genital or butt masturbators under $100 up to detailed, full-body dolls costing over $2000. Their sex dolls USA warehouse has thousands of products stocked and ready to go, with free shipping to mainland US addresses in 2-5 business days.

You can even customise your BestRealDoll purchase to your exact specifications.

This post was sponsored by BestRealDoll and you can enjoy 15% off in their online store by using the code CK15. All writing and views are my own.

A woman wearing a black hat and holding a riding crop. Header for a post on incorporating toys into kinky sex roleplay ideas

How to Incorporate Toys Into Your Sexual Roleplay

Published on by Amy

Have you ever taken on a role other than your usual self in the bedroom? If so, you’re in good company and possibly even in the majority. Roleplay is a tremendously popular and common sex activity, and inventive couples come up with all kinds of kinky roleplay ideas to keep things exciting.

Sexual roleplay allows you to explore dynamics, personas, headspaces, and aspects of yourself that you might not get to tap into regularly. It’s a fun way to keep a sexual relationship fresh and exciting, whether you’re newly in love or have been married for decades. And it can be a safe way to explore fantasies that might be too taboo, risky, or unethical to carry out in real life.

Just a few of the most popular roleplay scenarios include:

There are lots of ways to make your roleplays come to life. One great way? Incorporate sex toys! Here are just a few ideas for how to incorporate sex toys into your kinky roleplay.

Look for Sex Toys That Fit Your Roleplay Idea

If you have a particular kinky roleplay idea or scenario in mind, think about what types of toys those characters might use. This is really more about archetypes and an overall “feel” than being too literal about it.

For example, perhaps that fierce, whip-wielding Master might have a set of butt plugs to progressively train his sub’s ass to take more penetration. Maybe the lonely woman on a business trip who’s going to pick up a stranger at the bar has her favourite bullet vibe in her handbag. White toys can have a vaguely clinical feel which is great for a medical scene. And so on.

Let Toys Help You Step Into Role

Sex toys are highly personal, and many people feel an attachment to their favourite toys. Are there any items that help you to step into a particular role or aspect of yourself? For example, perhaps putting on a sexy strap-on harness helps you to embody a dominant persona that’s very different from your everyday self.

When you’re selecting sex toys, think about your favourite roleplay scenarios or ideas. Consider not just what toys do but also how they make you feel. What sort of mood or aspect of you do they embody?

Call Your Sex Toys Something Else to Match Your Roleplay Ideas

If you already have toys you want to use, there’s nothing to stop you from giving them different names to fit the scenario you’re playing.

If you’re playing a kinky doctor/nurse and patient scene, for example, you could call a sex toy a medical device for the duration of the scene. Maybe you’re pretending to be a Victorian-era doctor, curing a patient’s “hysteria” with a vibrator[1]. Or maybe you’re doing a more “mad scientist”, experimental type scene, in which a device worn on the penis (a cock ring) is used to measure the subject’s response to various stimuli.

Cuckolding and cuckqueaning[2] scenarios can be simulated using sex toys if you can’t or don’t want to bring a third party into your bedroom. Why not use a sex doll or realistic dildo, give it a name, and build a narrative in which one of you is fucking that person?

[1] This never happened, by the way. But it’s still a concept that many find hot
[2] Scenes in which one partner is “forced” to watch their partner have sex with someone else. People are into this for reasons ranging from humiliation and eroticising jealousy through to simple voyeurism

Create Roleplay Stories and Ideas Around Your Sex Toys

Your roleplay scenario can go in any direction you want it to. This isn’t a movie. The goal is fun, not realism. So if you want to craft a story in order to incorporate sex toys into your scenes, have at it.

For example, if you’re playing a boss/employee scene, the boss might have caught the employee with a sex toy in their possession at work… definitely contraband and deserving of punishment, right after they show their strict boss exactly how they use it. Or if you’re roleplaying a first time scenario, maybe one of you has acquired a vibrator from a surreptitious visit to your local sex shop. You’re not sure how to use it, but you’ll sure have a lot of fun finding out!

Sex, and especially roleplay, is mental at least as much as physical anyway. So much of what’s hot about sex acts is the stories we build around them, so get creative with your kinky roleplay ideas.

Use Toys as Rewards and Punishments

Many sex games, kinky scenarios, and roleplay ideas contain an element of power play. Power is intrinsically hot and wrapped up with desire for many people. So why not lean into that and include some kind of reward or punishment system in your roleplay scenario?

The person in the more submissive role could be rewarded for good behaviour by having theit favourite toy used on them. Alternatively, they could be punished by being denied that pleasure, getting spanked or having to watch the dominant partner using the toy instead.

Punishment, even in a roleplay situation, can be emotionally intense for many people. Make sure you negotiate thoroughly before you start.

This post was kindly sponsored by BestVibe. My readers can enjoy 20% off all products in their store by using code “coffee” at checkout! All writing and views are, as always, mine.

A purple butt plug for a post on things not to do if you want to have anal sex successfully

6 Things Not to Do If You Want to Have Anal Sex Successfully

Published on by Amy

I recently learned that “Anal August” is apparently a thing, dedicated to celebrating all things butt sex. A lot of people want to try anal sex, but there are some common mistakes that can prevent you from enjoying safe and pleasurable anal. Let’s talk about some of them.

Note: my definition of “successful” anal sex is anything that is consensual, pleasurable, and safe for all parties involved. Beyond that, you do you. We don’t do prescriptive around here. A certain level of penetration (or any penetration at all) is not required!

The Most Common Anal Mistake: Skimping on the Lube

We all know that we need to use tonnes and tonnes of lube to have anal sex successfully, right? Well, you probably need even more lube than you think. No, add a bit more. More than that. Okay, now you’re good. If things don’t feel slippery wet, you’re probably not using enough. If anything is hurting, catching, or you can feel a lot of friction, you’re definitely not using enough.

It’s also a good idea to keep adding lube regularly, particularly if you’re using water-based as it will dry up after a while. I like silicone lube for anal sex because it’s so slippery and lasts ages (but remember it’s not a good idea to use silicone lube with silicone toys.)

A bonus tip: please never, ever use “numbing” or “desensitising” lube. Pain is your body’s way of letting you know that something is wrong. If you can’t feel it, you may not notice if you’re being harmed until it’s too late. Plus, anal sex is supposed to be pleasurable! If you’re numbing your body to get through it, please consider whether it’s something you are even truly desiring or consenting to. Seriously, these products should not exist and can get in the fucking bin.

Don’t Rush

Apart from skimping on lube, one of the most common anal mistakes people make is rushing. It’s understandable if you’ve been wanting to try anal for some time and are excited, but slowing down is essential.

You probably won’t get an entire penis or dildo in your butt the first time you try anal sex. That’s totally normal. Even if you only get the tip of one finger inside, that’s a success as long as you had a good time. I say this all the time with kink, but it’s true for any kind of sex: it is always better to end a session thinking “I’d like to do more next time” than to end it thinking “fuck, I went too far.”

Don’t forget about exploring externally, too. Anal play isn’t all about penetration! There’s a reason rimming (oral sex performed on the anus) is so popular. That entire area is really sensitive and having it stroked, licked, or teased can feel really good. Even just running a lubed-up finger across the anal opening can provide an intensely erotic sensation.

Don’t Restrict Yourself to Hands and Dicks

Anal sex toys are often erroneously categorised as “for men.” This is problematic in a couple of ways. First, “sex toys for men” is usually used synonymously with “for people with dicks.” And by now we all know that not everyone with a penis is a man, don’t we? Aside from this, everyone has a butt! Some anal toys are designed specifically to stimulate the prostate. And it’s true that if you were assigned female at birth, you don’t have a prostate. However, no matter what type of genitals you have, the butt is packed with nerve endings and sensitive spots that feel really good when stimulated.

What I’m really saying is: get yourself some butt toys! If you want to try anal play, they can be a great way to start out, explore, or expand your repertoire.

If you’ve never done anal play before, don’t make the mistake of going straight for large toys. Start with a mini butt plug (I like Godemiche’s Plug B in small) and work your way up. After that, you can try a larger plug or a small slimline dildo. I like the Godemiche Peg for a beginner anal dildo or just as a great option for those who prefer smaller and slimmer toys. And if you’d like to fuck your partner anally but don’t have (or don’t want to use) a bio-cock, a good strap-on harness should be on your shopping list.

Don’t forget vibrating toys, too! The OhMiBod Lumen and B-Vibe’s rimming plugs are great choices.

Don’t Feel Any Pressure to Try Anal If You Don’t Want To (and Don’t Pressure Your Partner)

Pressure, whether self-imposed or placed upon you by someone else, is one of the ultimate libido killers. It also erodes consent, since a person who is being pressured may not feel able to say yes or no to an activity freely. Never make the mistake of pressuring either yourself or your partner into anal sex.

If you’d like to have anal sex with your partner, raise it and see how they feel about it. They may say no, in which case you need to respect that. You might decide to explore on your own to scratch that itch, using anal toys such as butt plugs (vibrating or not), dildos, anal beads, or butt strokers. They might be enthusiastic and all for it. Or they might be open to it but nervous or hesitant. Wherever they are, meet them there with love and acceptance.

Treat yourself in the same way. You don’t need to feel any pressure to have anal sex for any reason. Some people feel pressured because a partner really wants to try anal, because they worry they will be seen as prudish or uptight if they don’t, or because they think it is a “standard” part of their sexual orientation (fun fact: according to a 2011 survey of men who have sex with men, less than 40% reported engaging in anal sex with their last sexual partner. Many never do it at all.)

For any kind of sexual exploration, a safe and pressure-free environment is vital as a base from which to explore.

Neglecting Sexual Health During Anal Sex Can Be a Risky Mistake

Like all kinds of sex, anal sex carries a risk of passing on a sexually transmitted infection (STI.) Current data also indicates that it is a higher risk activity than vaginal, oral, toy, or hand sex. If you want to try anal sex, you must be able to have an honest conversation about sexual health.

The best ways to keep yourself and your partner safe are to get tested regularly, negotiate your safer sex boundaries clearly, and use a condom for penetrative anal sex. Don’t forget that rimming, like any other forms of oral sex, can carry an STI risk. Depending on your safer sex boundaries, you may wish to use a dam (or cut up condom) for rimming.

Hand sex is low risk for STI transmission, but it is still possible. Being diligent with hand washing, and using gloves if you like, can lower the risk further (and using gloves is essential if you have any open cuts on your hands.)

Anal sex with hands can also facilitate a transfer of bacteria even if you are both/all STI-negative. If you’re switching between anal and genital stimulation with hands, change gloves or wash your hands in between. Even a freshly washed butt can transmit bacteria that can cause urinary tract infections and other complications, particularly for people with vaginas.

For the same reasons, never make the mistake of going from anal to vaginal penetration with the same penis or dildo without having a thorough wash or sterilising the toy in between.

Don’t Stress If It’s Not For You

Like anything else, anal sex isn’t for everyone. You might reflect and decide that you have no interest in trying it, now or possibly ever. That’s cool! You might try anal and realise you don’t like it or want to do it again. That’s fine, too! You’ve learned valuable information about yourself! If you do want to go ahead and try it, avoiding these common anal mistakes will give you the best chance of having a good experience.

This post contains affiliate links.

Header for a post on sexual health, STIs and sex toys

What You Need to Know About Sex Toys, Sexual Health, and STIs

Published on by Amy

The first time I went to a sexual health clinic for an STI test, I was 19 and had been in a consensually non-monogamous relationship for about six months. When I awkwardly told the practitioner that I had sex with women as well as men (a reductive view of gender, of course, but my knowledge wasn’t anywhere near where it is today!) they cautioned me never to share toys with fellow vagina-owning partners. This was the first I’d heard about the possibility of getting an STI or STD from a toy.

DISCLAIMER: please note that while this post draws on current scientific understanding of sexual health, I am NOT a medical professional and nothing in this post should be construed as medical advice or a substitute for such.

A note on terminology: the term “sexually transmitted infection” (STI) is now generally preferred by health professionals as it is both more accurate and less stigmatising than “sexually transmitted disease” (STD.) However, I have used both terms in this post to help more people who need the information to find this post, as “STD” is still the term more people are Googling.

Looking back, there were a couple of problems with this. First, “don’t share toys” is both unrealistic and unnecessary advice. The truth is more nuanced and less absolute than that. Second, why did they only offer this- albeit incorrect – advice when I said I was sleeping with women? People of all genders and in all types of relationship configurations use sex toys.

To that end, I thought it was time to bust some myths. So let’s look at the truth about STIs and sexual health when using toys, shall we?

You Can’t Get an STI from a Sex Toy, Right!?

Sorry to break it to you, but you can. What you cannot do is get an STI or STD spontaneously from using a sex toy alone. That’s impossible.

If a person who has a sexually transmitted infection (STI) uses a toy and then shares it with a non-infected partner, though, that person can contract the infection. This applies to STIs that spread via bodily fluids (such as blood, semen, and vaginal fluid) and those that spread via skin-to-skin contact. If you’re doing anal play, there’s an additional risk for infections that spread through fecal matter such as Hepatitis A, B, and C. It also applies to conditions such as bacterial vaginosis (BV) and yeast infections, by the way, though these aren’t STIs.

Most STI microbes cannot live for very long outside the body, including on the surface of a toy. However, this may still be longer than you think! One study showed that Human Papillomavirus (HPV) was still present on thermoplastic elastomer (TPE) sex toys 24 hours later after cleaning in 40% of cases. Other infections can last anything from minutes to hours or, rarely, days or weeks outside the body. This means that sharing a toy in quick succession is the highest risk activity. However, you’re still potentially at risk if you share an unsterilised toy even some time later.

An aside for the kinksters: if you are using toys that can break the skin (such as whips, floggers, and so on) then be aware that STIs can be transmitted through blood if you are using the toy on more than one person. Once a toy has blood on it, consider it as belonging exclusively to that person. And if you play with rope, ropes that touch naked genitals or get sexual fluids on them should either be washed (if possible) or used exclusively on that person from then on.

Washing Your Toys is Not Enough

I feel like I bang on about this all the time, and especially in my sex toy workshops. Washing a sex toy and sterilising it are not the same thing. Remember that HPV study I linked above? Those TPE toys had been washed! On silicone toys, HPV was present immediately after cleaning in 44% of cases. It was not present after 24 hours. This disparity may be due to the fact that TPE is porous and silicone is not.

Washing your toys after each use is a great thing to do, and I encourage it. This applies even if you’re the only person using them. Unclean toys can cause all kinds of problems for your body. However, washing your toy may not be enough to prevent STI/STD transmission if you are sharing it.

The only way to be sure that a non-porous toy is STI-free is to sterilise it. This might include boiling, using a 10% bleach solution, or using a sterile medical wipe.

One of the biggest problems with porous sex toys is that you cannot fully sterilise them. This means that they can harbour bacteria in the material itself. This is not just an STI transmission risk, but also incredibly unhygienic even if only one person is using the toy. If you must use a porous toy, always use a barrier such as a condom.

So If You Can Get an STI or STD from a Toy, What Can We Do to Stay Safe?

None of this is to say you shouldn’t share toys at all. If you know what you’re doing and take a few basic precautions, it’s actually one of the lower-risk forms of partnered sex. It’s also hot as fuck, obviously.

So what do you need to know in order to protect your own and others’ sexual health? If you’ve been reading my work for some time, you know what I’m going to say.

Go for an STI test regularly (between every 3 months and every year depending on how many partners you have.) Know your status. Talk openly about sexual health with each of your partners. Make agreements on what barriers you will and won’t use for each activity, including when using toys. Approach shared toy use like any other sexual activity with an STI/STD risk. Negotiate it, do not assume it is 100% risk-free, and default to caution if you have any worries.

You can further reduce your risk by understanding how to fully sterilise your sex toys and choosing only non-porous materials (such as silicone, stainless steel, glass, and ABS plastic). Use barriers on shared toys if they are porous or if you have not negotiated that level of fluid exchange with the relevant partner(s.)

If you’re really cautious, it’s fine to just agree that each person will have their own toys for use on them exclusively. The downside of this, of course, is the expense. The most important thing is to educate yourself so that you can make the most sensible decisions for yourself and your partner(s.)

FYI: affiliate links appear in this post.

Header image for Icicles No 24 glass tentacle dildo review

[Toy Review] Icicles No. 24 Glass Tentacle Dildo

Published on by Amy

Fantasy sex toys are probably the single category that I get asked about the most, considering I’m not particularly into them for their own sake. YKINMKBYKIOK! But since readers ask me about them so much, I thought it might be time to try some out and see if I can gather some recommendations for you all. First up is the Icicles 24, a glass tentacle dildo by Pipedream Toys.

Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo
Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo

Icicles No. 24 Glass Tentacle Dildo

The Icicles No. 24 is a glass tentacle dildo measuring 6″ in total length (5″ insertable.) It is made from borosilicate glass—the same stuff as Pyrex cookware. This material is body-safe, non-porous, hypoallergenic, and surprisingly strong. There’s no way a glass toy is going to break inside you, so please put that fear to bed now. (Though if you drop the toy on a hard floor, it’s best to retire it. Even if it looks okay, there may be cracks that you can’t see.)

Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo

Glass toys like the Icicles tentacle dildo are easy to clean using warm soapy water, boiling water, a sterile wipe, or a 10% bleach solution. As it’s non-porous and has no motor, it’s safe to use in water. The curved tail “handle” also means you can safety use the Icicles No. 24 anally, if you want to.

The Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo is very pretty, with a lovely pink hue to the glass. I can see that, if you have that particular kink, it could be very sexy.

In Use: What I Didn’t Like

After many years of trying and reviewing virtually every variety of sex toy under the sun, I have had to concede to the point that I just don’t particularly like very textured internal toys. I find them overstimulating to the point of painful more than I find them arousing.

Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo

I really gave the Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo a damn good go and I wanted to love it much more than I did. Unfortunately it’s just not one that’s a good fit for my body. Even with plenty of lube, it’s slightly too wide for me to insert comfortably. The bumps on the top of the shaft also caused me pain rather than pleasure.

It’s important to say, though, that this is a matter of personal preference. There’s not much inherently wrong with this toy and, if your preferences are different and more aligned with what the toy is offering, you’ll probably love it.

One design feature that really bugs me about the Icicles glass tentacle dildo is the handle. Firstly, it’s too small. I can just about get two fingers through the loop, but I have teeny tiny hands. Anyone with bigger hands than me is going to really struggle to hold this toy comfortably. I also hate that the bumps extend all the way around the handle. I get it from an aesthetic perspective, but it makes the toy really uncomfortable to hold.

Icicles Glass Tentacle Toy: Anything I Did Like?

The one thing I will say in this toy’s defense, though, is that the gently curved shape is excellent. Perfect for targeted G-spot pressure. Remove those bumps and narrow it a bit, and this would be a toy I’d love. In this guise, though, it’s not for me.

Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo

Other good things I can say about it: it’s satisfyingly weighty. Also, glass can be heated up or cooled down for temperature-based fun. Just pop it in the fridge or run it under warm water before you play.

Icicles No. 24 Glass Tentacle Dildo: Verdict

You should buy the Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo if you have a tentacle kink, enjoy very rigid toys, and like the intensity that comes with excessive texturing. If you prefer smoother or softer toys, though, it’s unlikely to work for you.

Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo

This one is really going to be a Marmite sex toy, I think. (That’s British for “you’ll either love it or hate it”, for my international readers.) It doesn’t really work for me, but I can tell you exactly what type of person it WILL work for.

The Icicles No. 24 retails for $63.99 from Shevibe.

I received the Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo for free in exhange for an honest review. All views are, as ever, my own. Affiliate links appear within this post.

Header image for a post on kink with sex toys

How to Make Sex Toy Use More Kinky

Published on by Amy

Given that I’ve somehow built an entire career out of talking about them (I know, it’s still totally bonkers to me too!) it will come as no surprise that I love both sex toys and kink a whole bunch. But what about all the fun ways you can combine them? Using sex toys isn’t necessarily a kinky activity in itself though, as with anything else, what makes an activity “kinky” is mostly in your mindset around it anyway. Someone’s vanilla is someone else’s edge play. One person’s hardcore BDSM is another person’s average Friday night.

Whether you’re a kinkster who loves using toys or a toy aficionado who wants to bring a little more kink into your bedroom, why not try some of these fun strategies to kink up your sex toy use?

Play Kinky Edging and Denial Games with Sex Toys

The reason most people use sex toys? Because toys get them off. Often because toys make them come faster, harder, or more easily than other types of stimulation. But what if you kinda get off on not getting off? Well, sex toys are amazing for playing kinky edging and orgasm denial games.

You can do this with a partner or by yourself. Simply use your favourite vibrator or masturbator (or have your partner use it on you), get close to orgasm, and then… stop.

From here, you have a few options. You can edge as many times as you like and then cum. You can edge as many times as you like and then not cum, allowing that delicious sexual tension and frustration to build. Or you can ruin your orgasm by removing stimulation the second you tip over the edge. Many sexual masochists find ruined orgasms exquisitely painful.

Toys and Bondage

Do you like getting a little tied up or tying your partner up? Sex toys can be a super fun addition to bondage—any kinky activity involving restraining someone or being restrained. Bondage can range from something as simple as immobilising your partner and using toys on them, to complex predicament ties or rope harnesses designed to hold sex toys in place. I find this type of play pairs particularly well with forced orgasms (more on that in a minute.)

You can even play with toys and bondage by yourself. Self-bondage (AKA solo bondage and self-tying) is very popular and you can find tutorials online to help you learn how to do it.

Always follow safety protocols: keep a cutting tool for rope or the keys for any locking restraints within reach, keep your phone within reach in case you need to call for help should something go wrong, and never put rope or restraints around your or your partner’s neck. (Not so fun fact: the overwhelming majority of kink-related deaths are attributed to breath restriction, and autoerotic asphyxiation in particular. Please just don’t go there.)

Forced Orgasm

A forced orgasm is when a consenting person is “made” to cum in a way that may be beyond their physical control. It can work particularly well for those who are multi-orgasmic or for those who find continued stimulation after the point of orgasm painful or uncomfortable in an enjoyable way.

For some people, the kink lies in trying to resist the climax until their body succumbs to the sensation. For others, the hot part is being made to cum repeatedly until they physically (or psychologically) cannot any longer.

Toys are great for forced orgasm play because they can create sensations more intense and overwhelming than bodies can typically produce by themselves. I find that wand vibrators are particularly perfect for forced orgasms because they’re just so intensely and overwhelmingly powerful. They also work equally well on both penises and vulvas. To keep your hands free while you force orgasms from your submissive, try a wand harness.

Sex Toys as Rewards for a Submissive in a Kinky Dynamic

If you’re in a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship or playing with some kind of power dynamic in the bedroom or in your relationship, you may want to incorporate rules, rewards, and punishments in some way. Favourite sex toys can be a great motivator in this type of kinky relationship.

For example, time with a favourite sex toy can be a great reward for an obedient submissive. On the other hand, refusing them permission to masturbate or use toys can be an effective punishment. Remember to negotiate thoroughly in advance to make sure you’re both happy with the rules, rewards, and punishments you agree on.

Play with Threesome or Group Sex Fantasies

Threesomes, foursomes, orgies, and other group sex configurations are tremendously popular fantasies that strike a chord with many people. In fact, according to some sources, having a threesome is the most popular sexual fantasy for people of all genders!

Actually having group sex is certainly possible, and it’s something many people enjoy very much. However, there are many considerations to take into account if you’ve never done it before: jealousy and insecurities, navigating multiple people’s boundaries, and the ways in which your relationship may change are just some of them.

If you’re not ready to go there for real, or prefer to keep it in the realm of fantasy, then you can use a sex toy to simulate your group sex desires without the emotional or relational risk. Realistic dildos, sex dolls, and lifelike pussy-style strokers are ideal for this type of fantasy.

…And Get Creative!

What about you, folks? Any creative or unique ideas on how to get kinky with your favourite sex toys? As with anything in the realm of kink, sex, and toys, you’re limited only by creativity, consent, and your imaginations. So play, explore, don’t be afraid to try things out, and have fun with it.

This post was kindly sponsored by BestVibe, and my readers can enjoy 20% off all products in their store by using code “coffee” at checkout! All writing and views are, as always, mine.

Woman clutching the sheets as though cumming. Header image for a post on faking orgasms.

On Faking Orgasms: Why I’ll Never Fake an Orgasm Again

Published on by Amy

Sometimes it’s hard for me to orgasm. Other times I can get there, but it takes a long time. On those occasions when my orgasms feel a long way away, faking it still sometimes feels incredibly tempting.

According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, one study showed that the average person with a vulva (they said “woman” but let’s use inclusive language here) takes around 14 minutes to climax during partnered sex. It is a little unclear whether the researchers were using “partnered sex” synonymously with “intercourse”. However, I’m assuming they are referring to any kind of partnered sexual activity since anything from 50% to 80% (depending on which study you believe) of people with vulvas don’t orgasm solely from penetration at all.

Why Fake An Orgasm?

I’ve definitely pretended to orgasm in the past, at various times and for a few different reasons. At the absolute worst, when I was in an abusive relationship, faking orgasms was sometimes the best way to get things I didn’t like to end. In those relationships, even if the sex itself was consensual, it wasn’t necessarily safe to ask for what actually felt good and would help me to get off. Abusive men don’t take well to any threat to their egos, and turns out “I didn’t come” is a pretty big ego threat.

On a less sinister note, I’ve had a lot of consensual-but-bad sex in my life. Whether it was partners who couldn’t be bothered to learn how to please me, or just my own insecurities and unwillingness to speak up for my pleasure, lots of factors played into this. Half way through sex I might realise that I wasn’t going to get there no matter how hard we tried. At those times, faking orgasms sometimes felt easier than saying “can we stop?”

I’ve also done the fake orgasm thing in group sex situations before. Those spaces are typically less about the actual orgasm for me. I often won’t come in a group situation, though there are of course exceptions to this. They’re more about the overall sensuality, shared sexual energy, and just the feeling of being in that erotic space with other sexy people. Even so, it can feel like the goal in those situations is “everyone has an orgasm” and like I’m letting the group down if I don’t. In those circumstances, it has sometimes felt easier to fake an orgasm than to draw attention to it.

Why I Decided to Stop Faking It

Quite a few years ago now, I swore off faking orgasms. So what changed? A few things.

First, I realised that I deserve pleasure as much as my partners. I was primarily sleeping with men and masc-of-centre people at the time, and the orgasm gap is a real phenomenon to which I have no desire to contribute with my sex life.

Ironically, discovering that I have an orgasm denial/orgasm control kink helped, too. This means that if I’m having fun but not getting off, I can eroticise the build-up and the unreleased sexual tension in and of itself. Enjoying the process freed me up to enjoy sex more fully without needing to chase a destination that can be highly variable in its reachability. (And yes, I also appreciate the irony that someone growling “don’t you dare fucking come” in my ear will often get me close faster than almost anything else.)

I also realised that faking it just begets more frustration and unsatisfying sex. If a partner believes that what they’re doing is getting me off, they will (reasonably) continue doing those things when we have sex again in the future. By faking orgasms, I was literally teaching partners to continue touching me in ways that didn’t work for me. What’s the point of that?

I recently saw this article about why faking orgasms “may not be as bad for your relationship as we thought,” and… it made me kinda ragey. This part, in particular:

If your partner feels insecure about their sexual ability and you don’t have an orgasm during sex, sometimes telling them you did is an easy out from having to console them. As much as you love your partner, having to reassure them their sex skills are top-notch can be taxing. That’s why, in these situations, it’s fine to spare their feelings to avoid having to comfort them for hours on end.

– Amanda Chatel

What? WHAT!? No! I’m sorry but if someone’s ego is so fragile that they’re going to make my body’s quirks about them, or that they’d rather I lie to them rather than learn about what actually gets me off (and accept that sometimes it might not happen through no fault of theirs or mine), we shouldn’t be having sex.

Another change was discovering the wonderful world of sex toys. Over a decade ago, I went through a period where I was unable to orgasm due to starting new antidepressants. It was a mains-powered “back massager” vibrator that helped me eventually power through that block. I didn’t really start exploring the full joys of the sex toy world, though, until I launched this blog.

Discovering toys gave me new options and avenues for pleasure and orgasm. New ways to experience intense sensations when my body needs more powerful stimulation to break through an orgasm block. And sometimes new ways to just have fun without the destination needing to be the focus.

The absolute number one change, though? The single biggest thing that turned all of this around? Safe relationships.

When You’re With Safe Partners, Faking Orgasms Becomes Unnecessary

With both Mr C&K and my girlfriend, I feel able to say either “please could we do this different thing that might help me get there?” or “I don’t think it’s going to happen tonight but I’m still having tonnes of fun” and I know that that will be heard and accepted with love. Feeling safe and loved totally removes the need or desire to fake anything with them, including my orgasms.

So sometimes I still struggle to get there. That might always be true. And sometimes I might worry that I’m taking too long. That my partner(s) will feel bad if I don’t get off. That they’ll get bored with the process. In those situations, faking orgasms does still occasionally seem like a tempting solution. But I promised myself and my partners that I’ll never do that again, and I intend to stick to it.

I deserve more than fake pleasure and so do my partners. Because if we can’t be authentic with each other, what’s the point?

Content like this is made possible thanks to my relationships with my affiliates. You can find their logos and links in the right hand sidebar, or below if you’re reading on mobile! Shopping with them helps to keep the blog going at no extra cost to you.

Habakon B-Warrior masturbator review header

[Toy Review] Habakon B-Warrior Automatic Masturbator

Published on by Amy

I don’t review all that many penis toys on this site for the simple and obvious reason that I do not have a penis. I do, however, have a very accommodating and penis-enabled nesting partner who is often very willing to lend his genitals to the cause of sex blogging (#DoinItForTheReaders! You’re welcome.) This week we received the Habakon B-Warrior Automatic Masturbator and Mr C&K was kind enough to test it out for you all.

Habakon B-Warrior Automatic Masturbator

Habakon B-Warrior male masturbator

The Habakon B-Warrior Automatic Masturbator is a handheld masturbation sleeve designed for people with penises. It measures 9.5″ in length and has an insertable depth of 5.5″.

The exterior (the portion you hold in your hand) is made of ABS plastic. The interior (the part you put your penis into) is made of TPE. I’d prefer it was silicone, of course, but I can forgive TPE for a non-insertable toy. However, it’s best if you don’t share this toy, and you shouldn’t expect it to last forever even with good care as TPE is porous.

Habakon B-Warrior masturbation sleeve

The internal portion is removable for easy cleaning. Pop it out and wash it with warm water and gentle soap, then let it dry thoroughly before putting it back into the case. Some people say that dusting TPE toys with a little cornstarch helps them to retain their quality and structural integrity for longer.

The Habakon B-Warrior is rechargeable via the included USB cable, with a 2 hour charge giving you around an hour of runtime. It is not waterproof, so do not use it in the bath or shower and always remove the sleeve for cleaning.

Habakon B-Warrior In Use

The first thing I noticed straight away about the Habakon B-Warrior when I took it out of the box is this: it’s really, really heavy. This may or may not be a problem for you, of course, but if holding and manipulating heavy objects is problem that’s something to be aware of. I can’t hold it and use it on my partner for very long due to its weight, though he had less trouble using it on himself. I have tiny hands, which probably didn’t help.

"Male masturbation sleeve," or masturbator for penis owners

The TPE interior is really soft and feels lovely to the touch. There’s some heavy texturing inside for additional stimulation. Unlike some penis toys I’ve seen, this one seems to be genuinely suitable for cocks of all sizes. You’d be amazed how many toys we’ve tried in which, without putting too fine a point on it, my partner’s cock simply wouldn’t fit. Not the case here and, with the help of a little water-based lube (necessary as TPE can be quite grabby), he was able to slide straight into it with no discomfort.

The Habakon B-Warrior isn’t too loud, but it’s sound is very distinctive. In particular, when the suction is on you’ll get a sort of squelching noise followed by a squeak. How much that bothers you, though, will be down to individual preference.

Habakon B-Warrior Review: Settings & Controls

The Habakon B-Warrior Automatic Masturbator offers two modes of stimulation: vibration and suction.

The vibrations are incredibly weak, unfortunately. I could literally barely feel them on my fingers and my partner said the same thing about his penis. I don’t know if the problem is the placement of the motor or the quality of the motor (or both), but if you like intense vibrations, skip this one.

The suction mechanism is better. It gives a definite and intense squeeze. “I feel like I’m being milked!” my partner commented. He said he thinks it’s unlikely this toy would ever make him orgasm. But if the idea of having the orgasm squeezed out of your cock with a sucking type motion appeals to you, you’ll love the Habakon B-Warrior Masturbator.

The controls are simple: turn the toy on and off with the largest button, then use the two icon buttons to switch between vibration and suction settings. There are 4 vibration modes, 3 suction modes, and something called “one click orgasm”. The latter involves pressing a separate button on the back of the toy, which then enhances the sucking mechanism. This supposedly “allows you to reach climax any time” but… bodies don’t really work like that. Still, it might up the pleasure if more intense suction is a thing you like!

Habakon penis masturbator buttons

The buttons are large, well-placed, and easy to press.

Verdict

My verdict on this one is a mix. Ultimately, it didn’t work particularly well for us. However, that’s likely to be a matter of preference rather than a direct comment on the quality of the toy. It may work great for you!

The Habakon B-Warrior Automatic Masturbator retails for $66.99. My readers can get 15% off with the code Habakon01.

This review was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write an honest and fair review. All opinions are my own (and Mr C&K’s!)

Header image for OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse review

[Toy Review] OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse

Published on by Amy

Kiiroo is currently one of the world’s biggest names in remote control and app-controlled sex toys, alongside the likes of Lovense and WeVibe. After my recent experience with the Kiiroo Pearl2+, I was excited to get to try another legendary Kiiroo toy: the OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse.

OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse: Details

OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse

The OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse is a rabbit-style vibrator. In the box you’ll find the toy, a charging cable, an instruction manual, and a silky drawstring storage bag.

The entire toy measures just over 7″ in total length. The rigid internal arm offers 5″ of insertable length and is a slimline 1.3″ in diameter. Its clitoral arm is 2″ in length and extremely flexible. The entire thing weighs in at a petite 131g.

The Fuse is rechargeable via the included USB charger, and you’ll get 1.5-2 hours of use from a full (2.5 hours) charge. It’s not waterproof, though (only splashproof) which is a little surprising from a toy at this price-point.

The Kiiroo Fuse is made from body-safe matte silicone in black or pink, accented with a silver metallic strip on the handle.

Using the OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse Manually

With the best will in the world, I’m unlikely to regularly use an app to control a vibrator when I’m using it by myself. Aside from anything else, I need one hand to hold the toy and one hand to scroll through erotica or sext one of my partners. I simply don’t have enough hands to do a third thing, too! So I started off by testing the Fuse as just a regular rabbit vibrator, using its manual controls.

Kiiroo Fuse app controlled vibrator buttons

The Fuse’s manual mode is operated from a single-button interface, which I don’t love. It includes 7 inbuilt settings: one constant speed and 6 patterns. The lack of multiple constant power levels in manual mode is a pretty major downside! However, you can somewhat get around this by putting the toy into “touch sensitive” mode. This means it will vibrate when it is in contact with your body. The more of the toy is inside you, the harder it will vibrate. Clever, no?

The button is also sort of small, though there is a little pulsing light so it’s easy to see even if you’re playing in a dark space. The Fuse’s handle is ergonomic and comfortable to hold, and the button is well positioned.

But all of that aside, does it actually feel good? The Fuse’s shape is excellent, with a gentle curve and pronounced ridge on the head that’s ideal for G-spotting. The flexibility of the external arm makes it easy to keep consistent contact with my clit. It also means the toy is likely to suit a wider range of bodies than those with a fixed position clitoral stimulator. Physically and ergonomically, the Fuse’s design is excellent.

Finally, let’s talk about the Fuse’s vibrations. As with other Kiiroo products I’ve tried, they are strong and rumbly. One huge, major, enormous problem? You can’t control the vibrations in the two arms separately. This is a real issue if, like me, you prefer much more intense stimulation in one area than the other.

Using the Fuse with the App

Kiiroo toys like the OhMiBod Fuse really come into their own when they are connected to the Kiiroo app (called FeelConnect, available free on both Android and iOS.) I started off trying it with the app by myself (even though, as mentioned above, I’m unlikely to actually do this in general use.)

I thought I might be able to control the toy’s two vibrating portions separately through the app. Sadly, no such luck. It’s still both or neither. There are some fun features within the app, though. You can use touch control to turn the toy up or down with the swipe of a finger. For some reason, though, I COULD NOT get this to give me constant vibrations. It insisted on pulsing up and down no matter what I did.

Screenshot of Kiiroo Fuse app

The “clap control” (which is really just “sound control”) offers some interesting potential. You can adjust the sensitivity, but beware: if it’s up too high, the toy will pick up on the sound of its own vibrations and stay on regardless!

Screenshot of OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse app

Finally, you can connect your OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse to various erotic media including both 2D and VR porn. You’ll need a VR headset and the FeelVR app to enjoy the latter. This can provide a more immersive masturbatory experience, if that’s something you’re after. And if you’re an online performer such as a cam model, you can connect your Fuse to various camming sites and give control over to your fans in exchange for tips or as part of an interactive show.

Testing the Remote Capabilities

To test the OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse’s remote capabilities, I embarked on a little remote vibrator sex date with my girlfriend[1][2].

We had a little trouble finding each other on the app after she set up her account, for some reason – my username showed up in her searches but hers didn’t show up in mine. I’m still not sure what the problem was here. Once we’d found each other, the toy connected quickly and the responsiveness was excellent. (Which is good news if your partner happens to enjoy switching the toy off or turning the power right down juuuuuust as you’re about to cum… ask me how I know.)

Fuse by OhMiBod and Kiiroo

You can text-chat or video call through the FeelConnect app, though you can’t send pictures, which feels like an oversight. Of course, you can also chat in a different app and switch between the two as needed if you prefer. (That’s what we did in the end.)

The person controlling the toy will see a slider. They can use this to turn the toy’s vibrations up and down. Unfortunately, as far as we could tell, that’s about the only thing they can do. There didn’t seem to be any way to turn on a pattern or pulse setting instead of the constant vibrations remotely. This wasn’t actually a problem for me – I far prefer constant vibrations to patterns! – but it’s something to be aware of if your preferences are different.

From a connectivity and responsiveness perspective, though, the OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse is one of the best toys I’ve ever tried. Not once did the connection drop. Despite the tremendous rise of app-controlled toys recently, it is still unusual in my experience for one to work this seamlessly.

If your partner also has a Kiiroo toy, you can use the “Device to Device” functionality to control both toys at once. Which seems like it would have some very fun potential!

I think that my main use for this toy going forward will be remote play like this. It’s unlikely to be something I’ll reach for regularly by myself, but its long-distance capabilities are probably its main selling point.

[1] The eagle-eyed regular readers amongst you will notice this is the first time she’s been mentioned. Yes, it’s a new relationship. She’s wonderful and I am very happy!

[2] The things my partners do for you all! #DoingItForTheReaders.

OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse Review: Verdict

Mixed on this one. On the plus side, very strong and rumbly vibrations that get me off hard and reliably. It’s got great connectivity and responsiveness for playing remotely with a partner. On the downside, though, the app is clunky to use. It is also surprisingly limited in functionality compared to other similar products on the market.

By far my biggest criticism about the OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse is that you can’t operate the internal and external portions separately. This is a huge downside if you’re someone like me who prefers gentle internal vibrations or just the pressure of an insertable alongside strong clitoral vibrations. To get the strength of vibes I want on my clit, I have to deal with internal vibes that are really much more intense than I would prefer.

Overall? I think the Kiiroo Fuse is a good toy but not a great toy. It’s got great potential but also some significant flaws that need fixing to make it worth the price tag. The OhMiBod Kiiroo Fuse retails for £144/$149 at the time of writing and is available from stores such as Good Vibes and Babeland, as well as directly from Kiiroo.

Thanks to Kiiroo for sending me this product to review. All opinions and experiences are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear within this post. Using them sends me a small commission at no extra cost to you!

Header image for a post about dealing with masturbation shame and guilt after masturbating

How to Get Rid of Shame and Guilt After Masturbating

Published on by Amy

Did you know that May is Masturbation Month? This celebration of self pleasure started life with the first National Masturbation Day on 7 May, 1995, declared by sex shop Good Vibrations in honour of Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders (who was fired by President Bill Clinton a year earlier for suggesting that masturbation should be part of the sex education curriculum. Yes, really.) Masturbation is healthy, good for you, and no cause for shame. Unfortunately, a lot of people still experience feelings of guilt after masturbating.

It will not come as a surprise to anyone who reads my writing that I believe masturbation is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, it’s still a highly stigmatised and under-discussed topic in society generally. This is particularly true when it comes to the subject of masturbation for women and people with vulvas, though all genders can be and are impacted.

I couldn’t find any reliable statistics on how many people feel shame and guilt after masturbating. However, based on anecdotal evidence, I am willing to bet it’s a significant number. So what can you do if you’re one of them? I don’t have any easy answers, because this stuff is complicated, but I do have a few suggestions for you. As always, take the ones that work for you and leave the ones that don’t.

Figure Out Where Your Masturbation Shame is Coming From

If you feel shame or guilt after masturbating, those feelings have come from somewhere. None of us are born with an inherent sense of shame about our bodies, our sexuality, or our masturbation habits.

Often, it’s religion. Unfortunately, repressive religious teachings about sexuality have a lot to answer for. These teachings tend to be utterly unrealistic (“never have a single sexual feeling until you get married, then have amazing sex with your spouse right out of the gate”, anyone?) They are often laced with all kinds of factual inaccuracies. They’re also wildly hypocrital, because A) as we’ll see, most people masturbate, including those who rail against it, and B) sexually repressive religion is an absolute hotbed of sexual abuse and sexual violence.

I’m a committed atheist and I’m certainly not going to tell you what your relationship with religion or God should look like. But I invite you to consider this: do you really think that, considering *gestures at the entire world being on fire in all of the ways*, God’s biggest concern is whether you enjoy some self-induced orgasms? Religious sexual shame is primarily a mechanism of control, particularly of women and women’s bodies.

Or perhaps your feelings come from a time when someone else shamed you for touching yourself. This shame might have come from parents or other adults in your life when you were young, from peers and friends, from regressive sex education, or even from sexual partners.

It’s also possible that you have had none of these experiences, and have simply internalised some societal messaging about masturbation. That happens to so many of us. It’s also possible that a collection of experiences have led you to where you are now.

Once you understand where your guilt after masturbating stems from, you can start addressing it. Whatever it was, start by hearing this: you’re not alone, and you’re not broken.

Get Educated

Ask yourself what you learned about masturbation when you were growing up, if anything. Where did those messages come from? Chances are they came from a place of stigma and misinformation, not facts. The absolute best way to combat misinformation you’ve been fed is so arm yourself with accurate info instead. That means it’s time to get educated on all things self-pleasure.

Some of the resources I recommend include the classic Sex For One by Betty Dodson, The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex by Jenny Block, Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation by Jayme Waxman, Bang!: Masturbation for People of All Genders and Abilities by Vic Liu, and V: An Empowering Celebration of the Vulva and Vagina by Florence Schechter (a more general book about vaginas and vulvas that includes a section on masturbation.)

You know what? Let’s get started busting guilt and shame about masturbating right now. Here are some facts for you:

  • The vast majority of people of all genders masturbate at some point in their lives, and many do so frequently.
  • There is no “normal” amount to masturbate. Whether you do it multiple times a day, once in a while, or not at all, that’s all healthy and good as long as it is what works for you.
  • It is also normal to go through periods of masturbating more or less frequently. Hormones, physical or mental health and illness, age, disability, stress levels, pregnancy and birth, trauma, body image issues, relationships, living situations, medications, and overall happiness or life satisfaction are just a few of the factors that can impact how often a person masturbates… or if they do at all.
  • Huge numbers of people feel guilt after masturbating, but this is because of societal stigma, not because there is anything wrong with masturbation itself.
  • There is no clinical diagnosis of “masturbation addiction” and it is not recognised as addictive by the American Psychological Association. Some experts believe it can occasionally become “compulsive”, but unless your masturbation habits are seriously impacting other areas of your life, such as work, school, relationships, friends, hobbies, or health, it is highly unlikely that they are in any way problematic. By the way: “vibrator addiction” isn’t real either.
  • Masturbation is not physically harmful in any way. It will not cause you to go blind (do people still believe that one?), cause you to grow more body hair, cause your penis to shrink, or lead to infertility. If you have a vulva, masturbation will not “permanently stretch” your vagina or otherwise damage your genitals.
  • Masturbation is also not emotionally harmful in any way. (Though shame around it can be emotionally damaging. But that’s why we’re working on getting rid of that shame, not getting rid of masturbation!)
  • In fact, masturbation can have some positive health benefits! It can help you to sleep, boost your mood, relieve stress, relieve pain (especially menstrual cramps), and improve your self-esteem. For people with penises, a 2004 study showed that more frequent ejaculation correlated with a decreased risk of prostate cancer!
  • It is still okay, healthy, and perfectly fine to masturbate in a relationship. Any partner who tells you not to isn’t someone you should be with.
  • It is impossible to tell from physical genital appearance whether or not a person masturbates.

Avoid Guilt After Masturbating by Reframing Self Pleasure in Your Mind

Now that you’ve identified the source of your shame or guilt after masturbating, it’s time to start reframing the act in your mind.

Instead of viewing masturbation as something shameful or dirty, how about seeing it as an expression of self-care and self-love? For many people, it can also be tremendously empowering. Think about it: you’re enjoying your body on your terms, no-one else’s input or participation required, and you can give yourself such incredible pleasure.

You might find your mind drifting back to those thoughts of shame and guilt around masturbation. That’s totally normal. Reframing your thoughts and feelings takes time! When this happens, try to gently and non-judgementally notice the feelings and consciously guide your mind away from them.

Think about the other things you do to look after and pamper yourself. Perhaps you like to take hot baths, practice yoga, go to the spa, get a massage, eat your favourite foods, or just snuggle under a blanket in your comfiest clothes. Masturbation is no different. It’s a sensual and sensory experience that you do because it makes you feel good.

It can also help to focus on all the positive benefits you get from masturbation. Aside from the obvious – pleasure, perhaps orgasm – it might help you to feel happier and calmer, to be less stressed, or to sleep better.

In other words, this is all about teaching yourself – through repetition, affirmation, and positive reinforcement – that masturbation is normal, good, healthy, and absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Touch Yourself in All Kinds of Ways

When we talk about masturbation, we are typically referring to touching your own genitals for the purposes of pleasure and possibly orgasm. While this is wonderful, it can also be pleasurable and healing to touch yourself in all kinds of different ways. Why not try giving some love to your balls, labia, nipples, breasts or chest, or any other erogenous zones you have instead of going straight for your penis, clit, or vagina?

You can also get a lot of pleasure from touching yourself in non-sexual ways. Try stroking your own body, experimenting with different kinds of touch. Do you prefer a lighter or a firmer touch? Do certain areas feel good while other areas feel unpleasant to touch? All of this is such valuable information that you can take forward into both solo or partnered sexual adventures.

You could give yourself a massage (with or without a sexy massage oil), or experiment with solo sensation play toys and techniques such as ice, hot wax, Wartenberg wheels, vampire gloves, clips or clamps, sensory deprivation, or stroking with different textured materials.

Watch Others Masturbate

No, not in a creepy or “peeping Tom” way!

Again: the vast majority of people masturbate. Seeing other people do it, and observing the beauty and sensuality and hotness of it, can help to not only normalise masturbation and shed feelings of shame around it, but also to open up different avenues of pleasure that you may not have thought of.

The easiest way to do this, of course, is porn. If you go down this route, please seek out ethical and consensual content and pay for it. Buying directly from the performers is usually best where possible. Some people suffer from increased guilt after masturbating if they use porn. Please remember, though, that – as long as you are not watching content that is stolen or non-consensual – there’s nothing inherently wrong with it.

If porn isn’t your thing, how about a series of educational videos showcasing real masturbation techniques? I’m really into the content at Climax, particularly the videos about self-pleasure for vulvas. You can subscribe for a monthly fee to get access to the full library of content, or buy and keep the individual programmes you want. OMGYes is another hugely popular resource, though I haven’t tried it myself.

If you live in a location where such things are accessible and legal, you could even attend a hands-on masturbation class such as the world-famous Bodysex series of workshops.

Finally, if you have a partner or partners, you could experiment with masturbating in front of one another. This can be not just extremely hot, but also have that validating and normalising effect I mentioned above.

Visit a Feminist, Pleasure-Positive Sex Shop

If you’ve never visited a sex shop before, take a second to think about your idea of one. Do you envision something seedy, hidden away down a back alley and frequented by creeps? Think again! Many of today’s sex shops are erotic boutiques that are welcoming, inclusive, non-threatening, and pleasure-focused.

Visiting a good sex shop, whether to buy a toy or just to browse, can be a profoundly validating and healing experience if you deal with shame around masturbation. You’ll see a huge variety of toys, apparel, kink gear and more on display, showcasing all the different ways people like to get off and get it on (with themselves and with others.)

Some of my favourite UK-based sex shops are Sh! and Coco de Mer in London and She Said in Brighton. US-based readers have places like Good Vibrations’ nine retail outlets, Portland’s SheBop, and Babeland in Seattle and New York. In Canada, there’s Come As You Are and Good For Her in Toronto, and Venus Envy in Halifax and Ottawa. A quick online search will help you find your nearest feminist sex shop.

Can’t get to one or prefer to shop from the comfort of your couch (or bed)? My favourite online feminist sex shops include The Pleasure Garden, Good Vibes, Babeland, and SheVibe.

If You’re Still Struggling with Guilt After Masturbating, Consider Seeing a Sex-Positive Therapist

Masturbation shame is an incredibly powerful feeling, and you might be struggling to vanquish it by yourself. If you are struggling to get rid of guilt after masturbating, it’s time to see a sex-positive therapist. You might go down the route of psychosexual therapy (sometimes just called “sex therapy” for short) or seek out a regular psychotherapist who is sex-positive and experienced in supporting clients with issues surrounding sex, masturbation, and sexual shame.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting some professional support. These issues are complex and you don’t have to tackle them alone. Be gentle with yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

Have you ever suffered from shame or guilt after masturbating? How did you handle it and do you have any tips or strategies to share that may help others dealing with the same thing?

This post contains affiliate links as well as non-affiliated resource recommendations. Image by Deon at Let’sTalkSex.