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Candy hearts spilling out of a jar, for a post on polysaturation and how to know when you're polysaturated

Polysaturation: How Do You Know When You’re Polysaturated? [Polyamory Conversation Cards #4]

Published on by Amy

It’s safe to say that the polyamory community likes its cute wordplay. We’ve got “metamour,” from meta (beyond or after) + amor (love), to mean your partner’s partner. We’ve got “polycule”, from poly + molecule, to mean an interconnected network of relationships (because when we draw out our romantic networks they can kinda resemble scientific models of chemical molecules.) Then there’s the subject of today’s post: polysaturation. Let’s talk about what it means to be polysaturated.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How much time, energy, and other resources do you have left for potential new attachments?”

My personal answer to this is “very little,” but that doesn’t make a very exciting post, does it? So let’s delve into the topic of polysaturation, how to know when you’re at your relationship limit, and what do to about it.

What is Polysaturation?

Polysaturation: “The state in which a polyamorous person has as many significant relationships as they can handle at a given time” (definition courtesy of Multiamory.)

Polysaturation is the point at which a polyamorous person has the maximum number of relationships that they can handle. Typically, when people are polysaturated, they stop actively looking for new relationships. They may also take the possibility of new relationships off the table until or unless their circumstances change.

Polyamorous people feel differently about polysaturation. Personally, I kind of love the feeling of polysaturation. I find “dating” and actively trying to make romantic connections difficult and demoralising, so being at the point where I am comfortable and satisfied in my romantic life is wonderful. Others dislike it because they feel it limits their options for making connections if they happen to meet someone incredible but don’t have time to pursue a relationship with them.

What is an Average Polysaturation Number?

There’s no one right answer to this, because it depends on so many factors. Being polysaturated feels different for everyone, and we all have different saturation points. Physical and mental health, work, child rearing and other caring responsibilities, life stage, geography, finances, and the status of existing relationships are just some of the factors that can play a role in determining someone’s polysaturation point.

I will say, though, that I have been polyamorous for 15 years and I’ve encountered very few people who can manage more than three serious relationships well. Overall, two and three are by far the most common polysaturation numbers.

My own polysaturation point, in case you’re wondering, is currently two serious relationships. I can enjoy situationships, friends-with-benefits, and casual encounters (such as occasional play parties or swinging) alongside those relationships, because these casual dynamics demand very little in terms of ongoing time commitments or emotional investments. But actual, Capital-R Romantic Relationships with people I’m in love with? Right now it’s two, and I am struggling to imagine that number ever being higher than three.

More Partners =/= Doing Polyamory Better

I know or have known of people with five, seven, ten romantic partners. On the surface, it might look like these people are absolutely killing it in the realm of polyamory. In reality, though? When you look closer at this type of situation, you’ll often see an exhausted, burned-out person who’s massively over-committed themself and a lot of neglected, pissed off, unsatisfied partners.

Are there exceptions? Sure. But not many.

What you need to let go of here is the idea that having more partners means you’re doing polyamory better. The goal of polyamory isn’t to constantly add new people, to “collect them all” à la Pokémon, or to compete to have more partners than anyone else. The most experienced and successful polyamorous people I know tend to be in anything from one to three committed romantic relationships at a time.

By the way: it’s totally possible to identify as polyamorous but go through a period where your polysaturation point is one partner, or even zero partners. Being polyamorous simply means that you have the desire and ability to love and be in relationship with more than one person at a time. It doesn’t mean you always have to be actively doing so. There’s no “poly card” that someone will revoke if you don’t have two or more partners at all times!

Spotting Polysaturation: What Does Being Polysaturated Look Like?

When you first started exploring polyamory, you might have had some idea in your head about how many relationships you thought you’d be able to handle. If you’ve been practicing for some time, you might have found that that number is lower in reality than it was in theory. If so, that’s super normal. Many of us underestimate how much time and energy relationships take up, especially with the added complexities inherent in polyamory.

One of the keys to happiness in polyamory, I’ve found, is learning to identify what it feels like for you to be polysaturated before you accidentally become polyoversaturated. That is, in more relationships than you can actually manage.

Polysaturation feels slightly different for everyone. I experience it as a lack of something, primarily. Specifically, a lack of any desire or inclination to add new romantic partners to my life. It also feels like a sort of “enoughness” and satisfaction. Kinda like the relationship equivalent of being comfortably full after a great meal, but not overly stuffed!

But in short, you’ll know you are polysaturated when you know—emotionally, intellectually, or both—that you are in a space where you cannot reasonably add any new partners to your life.

What If I’m Polysaturated But Meet Someone So Amazing I Simply Have to Pursue It?

This is a difficult one and I can’t give you a simple answer.

One of the realities of living a successful and happy polyamorous life is accepting that there are simply too many shiny people in the world to ever be able to build relationships with all of them. Sometimes, you have to let a potential interest go because you just do not have enough time in the day and it wouldn’t be fair to yourself, your existing partners, the new person, or others who also rely on you (such as your children or other dependents) to pursue something.

So your first option is simply “decide you don’t have the bandwidth, and leave it alone.”

It’s possible that this new relationship will be a low-time-and-energy-investment one, in which case you might be able to shift things around to accommodate it with relatively little pain and stress. But if it’s a relationship requiring a higher level of investment, particularly in the new relationship energy (NRE) phase, you might have some difficult decisions to make.

What you shouldn’t do, in almost any circumstances, is dump or demote an existing partner to make room for the new one. This is a profoundly shitty thing to do to someone you claim to love. Of course, if one of your relationships isn’t working or isn’t making you happy, you have the right to end it. But you should really be doing that at the point that it’s making you unhappy and isn’t fixable (or worth the energy to fix), not at the point that there’s a New Shiny to step in and fill the gap.

So if this new relationship seems too good to pass up, what can you do?

Be Honest with Yourself and Your Partners

What can you actually offer this new person in terms of time, energy, and current or future commitment? How will those choices impact you and your existing partner(s)?

Be unfailingly honest with everyone, yourself first of all. Don’t convince yourself you have energy or hours in the day that you simply don’t have. Don’t overcommit yourself to the new person just to let them down later. And don’t lie to or mislead your existing partners to get their buy-in if they are understandably reticent about you adding someone knew when you’re already at your polysaturation point.

Look at What Else You Can Move Around If You’re Already Polysaturated

If you’re polysaturated but still decide you do want to pursue the new connection, something else in your life will likely have to give.

You might be able to shift some things around in your life to accommodate the new relationship with minimal disruption to your existing relationships, if you get creative. Is there a hobby or activity you’re willing to let slide (or dedicate a little less time to?) Will the grandparents take your kids for a few hours after school one evening a week to allow you to visit your new sweetie? Do you have the means and flexibility to take one fewer shifts at work or to move your working pattern around a bit?

The answer to all of these things might be no. But if nothing can realistically change and you don’t have the time or energy, then I’m back to my original advice: don’t pursue this new relationship.

Negotiate a Casual Relationship

When you meet someone new and make a connection, you don’t initially know what shape that connection might naturally take. So consider whether you and your new interest would be happy with an occasional, casual, friends-with-benefits or comet-style relationship.

Some relationships cannot be casual. Forcing a relationship that wants to be serious and committed into a casual box will hurt everyone involved and probably blow up in your face. But if circumstances allow and your needs and desires align, negotiating a low-key casual style relationship can be a great way to navigate this situation.

Avoiding Polyoversaturation Before It Happens

“Kid in a candy store syndrome” is a slightly snarky name for the phenomenon of newcomers who discover polyamory and immediately leap into DATING ALL OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME. All the possibilities are overwhelming and exciting. The next thing you know, they’ve got twelve partners and their Google Calendar is full until August… of next year.

If you’ve found yourself in this situation then… I’m sorry. It’s an easy mistake to make and a hard situation to be in. I can’t tell you what to do about it, because it’s obviously not as easy as “just break up with six to eight of those partners to bring your polycule down to manageable numbers.” I will say that a lot of people make this mistake in the early days and things usually even out over time. Still, you might be in for a bumpy ride in the short term.

Experienced polyamorists, by the way, typically won’t date people who do this. We’ve seen it all before and we know the pain, neglect, and frustration it causes.

Fortunately, if you’ve not yet made this mistake, it’s fairly easy to avoid. Instead of seeing polyamory as a smorgasbord where you can indulge yourself without limits, approach dating and relationships with intention. Where possible, build new relationships one at a time (two will be doable for some people, but not for everyone. You know yourself and your capabilities best.) And before you start dating a new person, take a clear-eyed and critical look at your current situation. Do you actually have the time, energy, and bandwidth?

Remember, to go back to that food analogy: the goal is “pleasantly full,” not “uncomfortably stuffed.” With time and self-awareness, you’ll get to know what being polysaturated but not oversaturated feels like for you.

An electric toothbrush, header image for a post on how to make your own sex toy

How to Make Your Own Sex Toy: Should You?

Published on by Amy

I’m a big fan of pervertables for kink. That is, ordinary items that can be misappropriated for sexy purposes. Think wooden spoon spankings, clothes pegs on nipples, makeup brushes for clitoral teasing or sensation play, and so on. But when it comes to things to use on your genitals, how to make your own sex toy – and even deciding whether or not this is a good idea – is not quite so straightforward.

I understand the temptation of making your own sex toy. Toys can be expensive. If you live with family, have little privacy, or live in a place with strict laws, they can also be difficult to get hold of. That’s why I’m not going to tell you not to do it. Instead, I’m going to give you some quick safety facts and show you some ways you can go about making or improvising a sex toy while minimising your risk of harm.

Making Your Own Sex Toy: Safety Considerations

Overall, most people have a very poor level of understanding when it comes to the things that are and are not safe to use on their genitals. This is for two main reasons:

  1. Sex education sucks almost universally. So unless you were lucky enough to have very switched on parents or go to an incredibly progressive school, you almost certainly weren’t taught this stuff.
  2. The sex toy industry is almost entirely unregulated. This means that manufacturers can lie, both about what materials they’re using and about the safety profile of those materials, and there is little recourse to call them on it when they do.

So with that in mind, be very very cautious about what you use as a sex toy. All kinds of items and materials can harm your body. This can run the gamut from physical injuries (for example, from using items with sharp edges) through to infection (from using items that aren’t properly sterile or are made of porous materials which can harbour bacteria.)

Quick Safety Tips

Follow these tips to keep yourself as safe as possible if you’re going to experiment with homemade sex toys:

  • Only use items that are smooth and free from sharp edges
  • Never use anything sharp, pointy, or that may have splinters
  • Never use anything breakable (such as glass items)
  • Avoid porous materials
  • Put a condom over anything you are going to insert into your body
  • If you are doing anal play, always always always make sure your item has a flared base or a large handle so you can retrieve it easily
  • Don’t use anything electrical in the bath, shower, or near water
  • Do not use items that have already been used for other purposes (such as used electric toothbrushes) and keep the item for sexual purposes only – or retire it – once you’ve used it as a sex toy
  • Please don’t use food items such as fruits and vegetables. But if you really must, do not eat them afterwards. Throw them away instead.
  • Only ever use your own items as sex toys, never something belonging to someone else

How to Make Your Own Sex Toy: 3 Ways

Cast Your (or Your Partner’s) Genitals

Making your own sex toy at home is relatively affordable thanks to the invention of genital casting kits such as Clone-a-Willy and Clone-a-Pussy. These kits typically cost under $50 and allow you to make a replica of your or your partner’s penis or vulva. The finished toy will be made of silicone, so it will be body-safe and should last for many years with the right care.

Bonus: it’s a fun and surprisingly hilarious date night activity.

If You Want to Make Your Own Sex Toy, Learn How to Work With Body-Safe Materials

If you want to make your own sex toy, you can always turn it into a project or a new hobby by learning how to actually work with body-safe sex toy materials and how to make things to a good standard.

For example, you might learn how to mix and pour silicone and make your own toy moulds. Or you could take up woodturning and make beautiful wooden sex toys (don’t forget to glaze and seal them properly with a body-safe finish!) on your lathe at home.

Repurpose Safe(r) Items

Fortunately, there are several household items you can use as a makeshift sex toy that are unlikely to cause you any harm. The following are likely to be okay with some basic safety precautions:

  • A new, clean electric toothbrush (use the back of the head, i.e. the non-bristled end)
  • A vibrating back massager
  • An electric showerhead
  • Smooth handles of items like hairbrushes (as long as they are clean and covered with a condom)

Let the Professionals Handle It

If you want something designed perfectly for you, it’s time to hand things over to the professionals. Yes, there are companies out there who will make you your very own personalized sex toy based on the specifications that you request.

The ones I recommend are:

  • Nothosaur, a company that offers custom sex toys in an array of fantastical designs from tentacles to dragons to Zodiac-themed designs and many more. You can choose from a range of sizes, firmness levels, custom colourways, and extras such as vac-u-lock attachments. Use code COFFEE for 10% off your order!
  • Mr Hankey’s Toys, a company offering both realistic and fantasy toys including oversized options. Choose your shape then customise the size, firmness, colours, and extras.
  • Uncover Creations, a company specialising in fantasy aesthetics and selling toys including dildos, grinders, and made-to-measure penis extenders. Dildos, grinders, and other toys are available in an array of colours and firmness levels, and upgrades such as straps, a hole for a vibrating bullet, and UC’s “Silky Smooth” silicone additive. Extenders are available in four skin tones and five styles, with custom sizing and firmness levels as well as optional extras such as dual density silicone.
  • Many indie makers and creators!

These retailers’ custom platinum silicone toys are of the highest quality and made using 100% body-friendly materials. So you’ll know you’re getting value for your money as well as a safe toy that you can use with complete peace of mind.

This post was sponsored by a company that is no longer in business. All views, as always, are mine.

Header image for a post on sex toy companies that don't use gendered marketing

Sex Toy Companies That Don’t Use Gendered Marketing

Published on by Amy

Gendered marketing is one of my biggest bugbears in the adult space, and the vast majority of retailers do it. Everywhere you look, you’ll see sex toys categorised as “for men” or “for women.” But we should all know by now that body parts don’t define gender. Not everyone with a vulva is a woman, not everyone with a penis is a man, and myriad genders exist between and beyond those two binary options.

(If you think gender is binary or that physiology alone defines gender, then erm… you’re probably in the wrong place.)

And look, I even understand why adult retailers do this, up to a point. For many, it’s primarily an SEO concern. “Sex toys for men” gets almost half a million Google searches per month at the time of writing, while “sex toys for women” gets close to 100,000. “Sex toys for penis” and “sex toys for clit” get a relatively paltry ~5000 and ~500 searches, respectively (and “vulva” doesn’t even get a look-in, but that’s a rant for another day.)

Even so, though, continuing to aggressively gender sex toys contributes directly towards exclusion and inequality in an industry that is already… not great on those things a lot of the time.

With that in mind, I wanted to tell you about some of my favourite adult retailers and manufacturers that do not use gendered marketing.

SheVibe: Long-Standing Adult Retailers With a Broad Catalogue

I love SheVibe’s playful, comic book-inspired aesthetic, and I love their gender-neutral approach even more. Toys are categorised by type and body part, not by gender. So you’ll find categories like “vibrators”, “dildos”, and “penis toys”.

SheVibe has a huge and extensive product catalogue so whatever you’re looking for, you’ll find something for you here.

Godemiche: Beautiful, Colourful Silicone Toys for All Bodies

This small, UK-based adult retailer of colourful silicone sexiness categorises their toys by type (dildos, hump toys, masturbators, and so on) rather than by gender. The Grind Ring products (some of my all-time faves!), for example, are described as being for “anyone with a clitoris.”

If you’re looking for quality body-safe silicone sex toys in a bigger range of colours and blends than you’ve ever seen in your life, then look no further.

Arosum: New LGBTQ-Led Store Without Gendered Marketing

I’ve only recently started working with Arosum, and I’m a big fan. They categorise their toys by body part (vulva, penis, or anus) then sub-categorise them by type (“clitoris vibrators,” “masturbators,” etc.)

Arosum puts the LGBTQ+ community front and centre and designs their products with us in mind. It’s so refreshing to see diverse images of smiling queer people. Arosum’s blog content covers topics like the history of Pride and LGBTQ+ workplace discrimination.

The Pleasure Garden: My Favourite Inclusive Adult Retailers in the UK

The Pleasure Garden is a small business and the UK’s inclusive sex shop. They believe that everyone deserves pleasure and they only stock body-safe products. Products are categorised variably by type and by body part (“vibrators”, “cock and ball toys,” and so on.)

They even have a separate “gender expression” category filled with products designed specifically with trans and non-binary people in mind!

Stockroom: The Ultimate Destination for Kink Gear and More

Stockroom is actually primarily known as a BDSM gear supplier, but also offers an impressive array of sex toys in their catalogue. You’ll see wording like “cock and ball toys” rather than “toys for men.”

Annoyingly, some of their kink gear—most notably their extensive range of chastity devices and suction pumps—is categorised by gender rather than body part. For this reason, I debated whether or not to include them. But their sex toys, at least, are de-gendered.

FYI: this post contains affiliate links for the adult retailers mentioned.

Promescent review header for rabbit vibrator and bullet vibrator review

[Toy Review] Promescent Rabbit Vibrator & Bullet Vibrator

Published on by Amy

If you’ve been around for a while, you might remember my last Promescent review from almost three years ago where I introduced you to their collection of lubes. Well, this company has now released a bunch of new products since then and their team were kind enough to send me two of them, so I think it’s time for another Promescent review, don’t you? Today I’m looking at Promescent’s two new sex toys for vulva owners: a blue silicone rabbit vibrator and bullet vibrator. This new range also includes a cock ring.

Promescent review: Rabbit vibrator (left) and bullet vibrator on a grey blanket

Promescent Rabbit Vibrator: Details

The Promescent Rabbit Vibrator looked promising to me as soon as I unboxed it for this review, and I’m saying that as someone who is very picky about rabbit vibrators and doesn’t get much out of most of them. The flexible, curved clitoral stimulator, in particular, caught my eye.

This toy measures 8″ in total length, 4″ in insertable length. Its slim shaft is 1.2″ in diameter at the widest point. It is made of 100% body-safe silicone in a lovely, rich shade of blue/purple (fun fact: a very similar colour to my hair!) The material, it has to be said, is absolutely lovely. It’s ultra-soft and feels gorgeous to the touch.

Promescent rabbit vibrator in a woman's hand

The Promescent Rabbit Vibrator is waterproof, USB-rechargeable, and comes with a drawstring storage bag. You’ll get around 2 hours running time from a 2 hour charge.

Promescent Blue Silicone Rabbit Vibrator Review: Pros & Cons

Let’s start with the good and talk about what I liked about this toy.

  • Its shape is excellent. The insertable portion has a gentle curve and a pronounced tip which is ideal for G-spot stimulation.
  • The flexibility is a huge perk for a rabbit toy like this. It makes it comfortable to insert and easy to move around to get the best possible angle. Since all bodies are different, this will make the Promescent Rabbit accessible to far more users.
  • The clitoral arm is curvy and flexible enough that it actually stays in contact with my clit when I thrust with the toy or change positions! This is rare in rabbit vibrators, and I love it.
  • The buttons are easy to press and the controls are simple, intuitive, and responsive. Plus and minus buttons allowing you to switch between settings in both directions are a big advantage.
  • The button placement is sensible and comfortable to use.
  • It has three patterns and a constant vibration setting, all of which you can use on three different speeds. (That’s 12 settings in total.)
  • It’s pretty quiet.
Promescent rabbit vibrator buttons close up

So with all those good things said, was there anything I didn’t like?

  • When I turned the Promescent Rabbit Vibrator on to start this review, the intensity of the vibrations felt promising. Unfortunately, in use, they felt weaker than I expected them to, particularly in the clitoral stimulator. Companies continually design rabbit vibrators with the stronger motor in the internal section and, given that the overwhelming majority of people with vulvas orgasm primarily from clitoral stimulation, this is going to be the wrong way around for the vast majority of users.
  • The vibrations are buzzier than I would ideally like.
  • The buttons are small and hard to see in anything but bright light. Larger or lit buttons would make the toy more accessible.
  • I would have preferred the ability to control the two motors independently. Many users, including me, don’t always like the same level of stimulation internally as externally.

The Promescent Rabbit Vibrator retails at $109.99.

Promescent Bullet Vibrator Review: Details

The Promescent Bullet Vibrator is made of the same soft, silky, blue/purple silicone as the rabbit. It measures a petite 3.5″ in total length, about the same as a lipstick.

Promescent review: purple bullet vibrator in a woman's hand

It’s USB rechargeable, giving about 90 minutes of runtime for a 2 hour charge, and waterproof. You’ll find the charging cable and a drawstring storage bag in the box alongside the toy.

Promescent Bullet Review: Pros & Cons

Once again, let’s start the review with the things I liked about the Promescent Bullet Vibrator.

  • The twist towards the base makes it so easy and comfortable to hold. This is such a simple but brilliant design feature!
  • Like the Rabbit, the Bullet’s silicone is super soft and silky.
  • The large button on the base is easy to locate and press, even in dark environments.
  • I really love the lipstick-style shape, which gives you the option of broad stimulation (using the side), pinpoint stimulation (using the edge), or a middle ground (using the flat top part.)
  • It has 9 settings, which are really the same three – constant vibrations and two patterns – on three different speed levels. That’s enough for variety, but not enough to get unwieldy with a one-button interface.
  • It’s powerful enough that I can usually cum with it unless I’m having a particularly low-sensitivity day.
  • It’s very quiet.
Promescent bullet vibrator button

Anything I didn’t like about this one?

  • I feel like I say this about every toy I review, but I would have liked the Promescent Bullet’s motor to have a little more rumble. It’s reasonably powerful, but it’s also quite buzzy.
  • A two-button interface with up/down options would be a nice addition, but it’s not critical.

The Promescent Bullet Vibrator retails at $69.99.

Promescent Blue Silicone Rabbit and Bullet Vibrator: Verdict

Overall these are two well-made and solidly designed toys! The bullet is the winner for me personally out of the two, though the Rabbit also has plenty to recommend it, particularly in terms of its physical shape and design. Both toys came attractively boxed and were delivered in discreet packaging. They’re reasonably priced for what they are, too.

Promescent also offers a 60-day guarantee. If any product doesn’t do it for you, you can return it within 60 days for a full refund.

This Promescent review was sponsored, meaning I received a fee to write an honest and unbiased review of these products. All views, as always, are mine.

What does inclusive sex toy design for the LGBTQ+ community look like? Header image with rainbow corner. Sponsored post in partnership with Arosum

What Does Inclusive Sex Toy Design for the LGBTQ+ Community Look Like?

Published on by Amy

I believe, and have believed since the first day I started working in this industry, that sex toys are for everyone. Unfortunately, sex toy design and marketing often fail to live up to this ideal. Toy retailers are often unintentionally exclusionary at best, and outright offensive at worst. But what does it actually look like to create and market inclusive sex toys? Today, in partnership with Arosum, I want to look at this question specifically through the lens of LGBTQ+ experiences.

No Sex Toy Design Will Suit Everyone

There are so many reasons I cringe when I see phrases like “best ever sex toy for women!” and “orgasm guaranteed!” in sex toy marketing copy. The main one, though, is that sex—and bodies—simply do not work that way. We’re all different. Our bodies, minds, and relationships have diverse needs. This means that it is absolutely impossible to design a sex toy that will work for everyone or to guarantee that a product will work for any particular individual.

With that in mind, let’s look at a few different ways that sex toy design can become more inclusive for the LGBTQ+ community. Hint: I love colourful Pride-themed things as much as anyone, but this issue is much more complicated than just slapping a rainbow on something during the month of June.

This post is by no means meant to be exhaustive, but includes some considerations for sex toy designers and makers who want to be LGBTQ+ inclusive to think about.

Inclusive Sex Toy Design for Diverse Bodies and Preferences

LGBTQ+ people’s bodies can look and function in a whole myriad of different ways, and inclusive sex toy design accounts for this beautiful variety. It is essential for inclusive sex toy design to not only consider but to centre trans, non-binary, and gender-diverse bodies.

Arosum has recently released two new products, the G-Snuggle and the LushVibe, that are specifically crafted for people with tighter or narrower vaginal canals. This might include trans women who have undergone gender confirmation surgery, some intersex people, and cis women, trans men and AFAB non-binary people who suffer from conditions such as vaginismus. Arosum has designed these toys with a slim design and a unique hooked tip shaped like a bean sprout that applies gentle pressure to the vaginal walls.

To be honest, even as a cis woman who simply prefers slimmer toys for penetration most of the time, I think I’d enjoy these products. It’s really nice to see companies breaking the “bigger is always better” narrative when it comes to toys. (The Arosum LushVibe, by the way, is also suitable for anal use.)

Toys that are useable when flaccid are also popular amongst some trans women and non-binary people who take estrogen, which can affect erections. I’m eternally disappointed that one of the best sex toy designs in this category, the Hot Octopuss Pulse, is marketed with the cringeworthily-gendered term “Guybrator.” Wand vibrators are another great gender-neutral option, because high-powered vibration feels awesome for most genitals.

Highly versatile toys, in general, are wonderful and there should be more of them.

Sex Toys and Gender

Sex toys can play a role in gender affirmation, too. Simply de-gendering your toys entirely is a step in the right direction and can help you to avoid inadvertently causing gender dysphoria.

There are even toys specifically designed with gender affirmation in mind. For example, there are strokers designed specifically for trans men and transmasculine people who have experienced bottom growth due to taking testosterone. And pack-and-plays allow wearers to both pack (create the look and feel of having a penis) and have sex with the same cock.

Toy Kits for Couples

Something that’s tremendously popular in the sex toy industry is bundles or kits for couples. Some of these sets include two toys, one for each person. Sometimes the two products will link up or work together in some way (such as through an app. Isn’t technology marvellous?) Others include multiple toys, kink and BDSM items, or a mix.

But these bundles are, with very few exceptions that you really have to go looking for, incredibly cisheteronormative in their marketing and design. I’d love to see LGBTQ+ toy manufacturers like Arosum designing sets and kits for couples with the same genitals… and for couples with different genitals but without the “his & hers” marketing.

Be Aware of Other Intersections for More Exclusive Sex Toy Design

Privilege and oppression exists as a huge and complex system of intersecting identities. This means that, when designing products with the LGBTQ+ community in mind, it’s important to consider other intersections of identity and experience as well.

For example, the sex toy industry has a huge and ongoing racism problem. “Historically, “flesh” dildos and vibrators were the color of Caucasian skin,” writes Hallie Lieberman. This is still a common occurrence and, when sex toy designs are available in other skin colours at all, companies often market them using problematic or even outright racist language. In the same article Shani Hart, CEO of the Hart’s Desires boutique in the D.C. area, calls out the “racist and derogatory” packaging and marketing copy that still appears far too often in this industry.

Disability inclusion matters, too, and it’s important to remember that disability doesn’t look just one way. Disabled writer, advocate, and sex worker Ruby Rousson writes that “Nearly every toy I’ve come across has not been designed with accessibility in mind. Whilst we’re slowly getting there, we’re not there yet.” Size, weight, shape, button size and placement, positioning, care and cleaning, and noise are just some of the factors you’ll need to consider when it comes to disability-friendly sex toy design. Even then, you should probably avoid claiming that your toy is “good for disabled people” without specifying what that actually means.

The Words and Images You Use Matter

Okay, this is a sex toy marketing issue rather than a sex toy design issue, but it’s all intricately connected. Think about the language and images you’re using when you market your toys. Are you using a lot of images of cisgender, heterosexual-presenting people and couples? If so, your LGBTQ+ audience is unlikely to see itself represented and will probably feel excluded by your marketing.

Are you using gendered language? If so, that should be the first thing to go. For example, not everyone with a vulva is a woman and not all women have vulvas, so marketing a clitoral vibrator as a “toy for women” is exclusionary and alienating.

Think about language around sexual orientation and gender identity, too. I advocate against categorising toys by sexuality because, well, inanimate objects don’t have sexual orientations. You might think it’s inclusive to categorise a strap-on, for example, as “for lesbians.” But people of a huge array of sexualities, genders, and relationship configurations can and do use these toys.

If In Doubt, Ask

Remember that, when designing and marketing products for the LGBTQ+ community, you should actually ask us for feedback! Even if you and your team are part of the community, you probably don’t have every single identity under the LGBTQ+ umbrella represented and your experience won’t be someone else’s experience. Always seek the direct input of the individuals and communities you’re looking to serve.

Thanks to Arosum for sponsoring this post on inclusive sex toy design. Check out Arosum’s range of products designed with LGBTQ+ people in mind! All writing and views are, as always, my own.

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Polyamory Will Change Your Relationship: Navigating Change Well [Polyamory Conversation Cards #3]

Published on by Amy

“How can we do this without it changing our relationship?”. This is one of the most common advice questions people ask when they’re new to polyamory or considering a poly relationship.

On the surface, it’s a reasonable question. You love each other. You love the relationship you have, and you view polyamory as a way to add to your happiness together and separately, not detract from it. So how can you transition to polyamory without changing your existing relationship?

You can’t.

If there’s one thing I want people who are new to poly relationships to understand (after “unicorn hunting is bad” and “jealousy is normal, what matters is how you handle it“), it’s this: polyamory. is. going. to. change. your. relationship.

There is simply no way around this fact. If you are not prepared for change, you are not ready to be non-monogamous. In this post, I’ll share some of my advice for navigating the transition to polyamory well.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, polyamory advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“What practices in your relationship help you feel safe when navigating change in your relationship dynamic?”

Okay, so let’s talk navigating the changes that will inevitably come when you’re exploring polyamory and non-monogamy for the first time… or when you’re significantly changing another aspect of your non-monogamous relationship in some way.

New to Polyamory? It Will Change Your Relationship.

All relationships are constantly changing and evolving. Whether you’ve been with your partner for a year, a decade, or just celebrated your 50th wedding anniversary, chances are you do not have the same relationship now that you had on day one.

When you make big changes in your life, your relationship changes along with them. Perhaps, in the time you’ve been together, you and your partner have got married, had a baby, or bought property. Maybe you’ve moved to a new city or country, changed jobs, or suffered bereavements? Any and all of those things, and so many others, can change a relationship.

Moving from monogamy to non-monogamy is, whichever way you slice it, a huge change. You are fundamentally altering the structure, the style, the modus operandi of your relationship. Even if you both want it desperately, this transition is likely to be challenging and sometimes difficult.

Being poly brings new people into your lives in close, intimate ways. You cannot know in advance how those new people, those new relationships, will influence and change you as individuals and together as a couple. All the significant relationships in my life have changed me, and chances are yours have changed you too. This doesn’t just apply to your own romantic relationships either, by the way. I’ve had metamours and metamour relationships that have profoundly changed me in all sorts of ways.

Polyamory might mean exploring feelings, interests, and desires you’ve previously buried or didn’t even know you had. It might change practical life things such as your schedule and how you manage your finances. It involves personal work and relationship work. It’s going to change things.

The good news is that…

Change Does Not Have to Be Bad

The first step in navigating change successfully is understanding that change does not have to be a bad thing.

Let’s revisit those other big life changes we touched on above. So many things have likely shaped and changed your relationship in the time you’ve been together. But would you consider any of those changes “bad?” They might have been challenging. You might have had to work hard together to navigate them. But did you ultimately come out of them with a healthier, better relationship? Chances are that, often, you did.

The changes that polyamory will bring about don’t have to be bad, either. In fact, they can be profoundly joyful, healing, and life-enhancing.

Good Changes You Might Experience When You’re New to Polyamory

Perhaps, despite what I’ve said above, you’re now descending into a panic spiral about the impending change to your existing relationship that I’ve just told you is inevitable. Okay, slow down. Take a breath. My advice is to think about all the positive things polyamory can bring to your life and why you wanted to do it in the first place. Here are 20 positive ways that polyamory can change your relationship.

  1. It gives you opportunities to be vulnerable, share your feelings, hold space for one another, and support each other authentically
  2. Exploring dating, relationships and sex with new people will introduce you to new facets of yourselves which you can then bring home to each other
  3. Polyamory demands personal reflection, self-work, and internal growth which inevitably strengthens relationships
  4. You might get to see your partner through someone else’s eyes as they date new people, introducing you to new parts of them to love
  5. Experiencing new relationship energy (NRE) elsewhere can often spill over, causing an injection of romantic and/or sexual energy into your existing relationship
  6. You’ll have more people to support you through difficult times
  7. One or both of you might learn about new kinks, sex acts, or ways of being intimate that you can enjoy together as well as with your new partners
  8. Spending time apart in order to date separately can be scary, but absence really does make the heart grow fonder and you’ll enjoy your time together even more for it
  9. The scheduling demands of polyamory will require you to schedule quality time and date nights with each other as well as with your new partners
  10. If you have children, polyamory can potentially introduce new loving, supportive adults into those kids’ lives
  11. You’ll build security as you see that, even with the freedom to date or have sex with whomever they please, your partner still loves you and keeps coming back to you
  12. If you’re practicing kitchen table or garden party polyamory, your new metamours might become treasured friends or family members
  13. If one or both of you has hobbies, interests, or kinks that the other doesn’t share, you can get those wants and needs met elsewhere
  14. Seeing your partner happy and in love with someone else can bring about compersion, a hugely positive emotion in which you take joy in their joy
  15. You’ll both grow your relationship skills, communication skills, and emotional intelligence
  16. Polyamory can expose cracks in your relationship, which may sound scary but actually gives you a golden opportunity to face them, fix them, and enjoy a stronger relationship in the long run
  17. Polyamory can help you to break unhealthy unconscious patterns such as codependency
  18. You’ll face, tackle, and ultimately overcome deeply ingrained fears and insecurities within yourself, leading you to become a happier and healthier person
  19. You’ll enjoy more freedom, independence, and individuality without sacrificing the safety and comfort of your long-term relationship
  20. Hopefully, you’ll both be happier for having made the transition, which can only do good things for your relationship

Of course, not all of these will be true for every couple opening up. But if you and your partner approach this journey with communication and compassion, I bet at least a few of them will be true for you!

Advice for Navigating Change Positively When You’re New to Polyamory

Okay, so you’re ready and prepared for the possibility (certainty) of change as you transition to polyamory. But how do you actually navigate it well? Though I’m approaching this topic primarily through the lens of a transition from monogamy to polyamory/non-monogamy, these pieces of advice are also useful when you’re navigating any other significant change within your relationship.

Those changes could include a renegotiation of your relationship agreements, nesting (moving in together) or denesting (going from living together to living separately), a new partner, a break-up, or even a fundamental change of relationship style or structure. I found many of these strategies helpful when shifting my nesting relationship with Mr C&K from a hierarchical structure to a non-hierarchical one.

Change and Polyamory Advice: Reaffirm Your Love and Commitment Regularly

Fear of loss is one of the reasons that change is scary. When things start changing, even if it’s change you want, you might fear losing your partner or aspects of your relationship that you value. When you’re transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy or navigating change in any area of your relationship, it can help to reaffirm your love for and commitment to one another regularly.

Learning each other’s love languages will help you tremendously here. There’s no point trying to show your partner you love them by doing the dishes when they’d rather you told them in words. Buying them a gift may not help when what they’re really craving is quality time together.

If in doubt, start by saying to your partner something like “I love you and I am committed to the future and health of our relationship. How can I help you to feel loved and secure as we go through this transition together?”

Talk About Everything

A golden rule to live by and my biggest piece of polyamory advice: if you’re not sure whether you need to communicate about something, then you definitely do.

When you’re first transitioning to polyamory or navigating change in your polyamorous relationship, it’s hard to over-communicate. If something feels important to you, even if you can’t quite articulate why at first, you need to talk about it. If something bothers you, even if you feel it “shouldn’t,” you guessed it. You need to talk about it.

In the early stages in particular, but honestly throughout the duration of a polyamorous relationship, you and your partner should be talking about everything. This can take the form of scheduled, formalised check-ins (Multiamory’s RADAR is a good framework,) informal as-and-when conversations, or a mix of both, depending on your communication styles and individual needs.

Understand Your Own Values, Boundaries, Needs, Deal-Breakers, and Bottom Lines

My advice is generally not to have a lot of rules in poly relationships, even when you’re new to polyamory. Some people think that poly relationship rules are useful training wheels when you’re new to non-monogamy. I tend to disagree with that, too. Having lots of rules offers an illusion of safety, but at the price of disempowering everyone involved and often treating incoming new partners pretty badly.

Instead, focus on understanding your own values, boundaries, needs, deal-breakers, and bottom lines. These will serve as your guiding lights in how you act within all your relationships.

Values are the things that are most important to you, the core principles on which you want to operate. Think about what’s most important to you in life and relationships. Then come up with 3-5 words that encapsulate those values.

Boundaries are about yourself. They govern what you will and won’t do or allow when it comes to the things that belong to you. Your body, mind, space, possessions, and so on. For example, “I will only have unbarriered sex with people who test regularly and take reasonable safer sex precautions.”

Needs are the things you require to feel happy, safe, secure, and loved in a relationship. For example, “I need my partner to show that they love me and value our relationship by spending quality, one-to-one time with me regularly.”

Deal-breakers and bottom lines are things you absolutely will not tolerate and that would cause you to leave a relationship. For example, “I will not be in relationship with someone who lies to me.” Ensure that the things you specify here are genuine deal-breakers, and not rules or attempts at control in disguise.

Being New to Polyamory is Scary, But Try to Focus on Adding Rather Than Taking Away

In a certain light, when you transition to from monogamy to polyamory, you are losing something. Specifically, you’re losing exclusivity and the (illusion of) security that it brings. However, you’re also adding so many wonderful things (refer back to the list above.) The same is true for many kinds of changes.

So, as much as possible, focus on what you can add to your relationship. How can this change make it better? For example, when you become non-monogamous, you might lose spending every night at home together. This makes sense because you’ll both be going out on dates and spending time with other partners. But can you make your time together a greater quality of time? Can you add in a dedicated regular date night to nurture your connection? In this way, you turn a perceived loss into a net gain for the health and happiness of your relationship.

Get Real About Your Feelings (But Don’t Let Them Rule You)

Navigating change of any kind, particularly a big change like transitioning to polyamory, can bring about intense feelings. You and your partner will need to get really real and vulnerable with each other to weather changes together successfully. Talk about your feelings, including the ones that make you feel scared or small or ashamed. Make space for the things that come up for you both, even those irrational and painful and trauma-based feelings.

There’s a difference, though, between honouring your feelings and letting them rule you. Emotions can offer tremendously valuable information (for example, Paige at Poly.land says that jealousy is a “check-engine light.”) They’re not always very specific, though, and the things they tell you won’t always be accurate.

Learn how to sit with your feelings. Talk about them. Unpick them to ascertain what is real, what is your fear talking, and what (if anything) you need to do. This is one of the greatest non-monogamy skills, and relationship skills in general, that you will ever learn.

Get Some Outside Help

There’s abolutely no shame in getting a little additional help as you go through big relationship changes. In fact, I advocate enormously for this approach!

This can look a few different ways. If it’s within your budget, I hugely recommend seeking out a polyamory-friendly relationship therapist. They are trained to help you improve your communication, strengthen your relationship, and navigate all sorts of challenges together.

You can also seek out community and resources. All of us were new to poly relationships once. Most of us remember exactly what it was like and how scary it can be. Fortunately, there are a lot of smart people out there giving a lot of good polyamory advice. Some of the resources available to you that you might want to make use of include:

Trust Yourself and Your Partner

You are wiser than you know, and you know yourself better than anyone. Part of navigating change is learning to trust yourself and your partner. Trust that you can get through this transition, even the hard parts. Trust in your collective relationship and communication skills enough to know that you can face challenges and come out stronger.

Trusting your partner can be hard when you’re going through big changes such as a transition to polyamory. But it is so, so important. Remember that they love you and they’re with you because they choose to be. Look out for all the ways that they show you their love and commitment.

Trusting yourself, though, can be even harder than trusting someone else. When you’re transitioning to polyamory or navigating change within your relationship and finding it difficult, you might doubt your own abilities. You might even doubt your own mind, your own feelings, and your own perceptions. Self-trust will get you through and keep you focused on your eventual goal of a happy, healthy polyamorous relationship.

Navigating change is one of the biggest challenges to success when you’re new to polyamory. It’s not easy, but it can be done. I believe in you and I hope you can believe in yourself, too. I hope these nuggets of polyamory advice and hard-won wisdom help.

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Sapphic, Lesbian and WLW Erasure in Polyamory, Kink, and Other Alternative Sexuality Communities

Published on by Amy

Those of us who are active in alternative relationship and sexuality communities such as polyamory, consensual non-monogamy, and kink like to believe that we’re operating in a utopia. We so want to think our little bubble is apart from the rest of the world, unaffected by society’s ills. It’s a seductive narrative, but it is a lie. Today I want to talk about a pervasive and insidious issues I’ve been thinking a lot about recently. Specifically, sapphic erasure and lesbian invisibility in the queer, kink, and polyamory communities.

A quick note on terminology: I can’t write about this topic without acknowledging the ways in which the the anti-transgender hate movement has co-opted the concept of “lesbian erasure.” Anti-trans activists often erroniously claim that to accept trans women as women is to erase or undermine lesbian identities and that cis lesbians routinely experience pressure to transition to male. I absolutely and unequivocally reject these ideas. Trans women are women. Trans, non-binary, and gender-diverse sapphics are our siblings and family. They are just as much a part of the community as their cis counterparts.

With that said, I want to talk about the systemic erasure and devaluing of sapphic, lesbian, and women-loving-women (WLW) identities and relationships within polyamory, consensual non-monogamy, kink, and other adjacent communities.

Queer Erasure in Sex-Positive Spaces: Who Counts as a Couple?

Let’s start with the obvious: many non-monogamous spaces, particularly those geared around casual sex and swinging, are simply not set up in a way that allows for any configuration of people that isn’t “one man and one woman in a relationship” or “a single cisgender person.” The result of this is lesbian and sapphic invisibility and the erasure of queer polyamory and non-monogamy.

The most obvious example of this is gendered pricing. This has tonnes of its own problems anyway and completely falls apart when you account for anyone who isn’t straight, cis, and in a relationship that appears monogamous from the outside.

Many lifestyle events, clubs, and parties would class my girlfriend and I as two single women if we attended together. (Whereas, of course, if I attended with a male partner they’d class us as a couple.) Two women could be literally married to each other, and this would still be the case. Because in the eyes of those spaces, a “couple” is a man and a woman.

“But you’ll get in cheaper if they count you as two single women!”. Yeah, this isn’t the gotcha you think it is in this situation. I’d much, much rather pay the same rate as any other couple rather than have my relationship minimised, othered, and erased on account of our genders.

It’s often more insidious than these fairly blatant forms of discrimination, too. When people talk about “couples” in non-monogamous spaces, they will often casually refer to “the man” and “the lady” (or, worse, “girl”) as if that is the only configuration for a couple to take. If I refer to a partner without gendering them, most people will assume I am talking about a man. I really don’t believe this is malicious in 99% of cases. At worst, I think it is privilege-blind and clueless. But that doesn’t make it any more right or any less hurtful.

The Aggressive Gendering of Kink

I love the BDSM community in so many ways. I’ve been finding my home, my place, and my people within it for the best part of 15 years. But the longer I stick around, the more I see something I can’t unsee. The kink community still has a pervasive gender-norms problem that we still need to address.

Absent very explicit context to the contrary, people still broadly assume that men are Dominant and women are submissive. They’ll expect kinky and D/s relationships to look broadly heteronormative. And sure, Femdom exists. But all my Dominant women friends have countless stories of men treating them as little more than fetish dispensers. Dommes are expected to service those men’s needs and follow precise directions while pretending to be in charge. All without regard for their own needs and desires.

There is very, very little representation of kinky sapphic relationships of any description in our media, our online spaces, our educational materials, or our event leadership demographics. Why is that? Because it sure as hell isn’t “because kinky sapphics don’t exist.”

I suspect it’s for a few reasons. First, a lack of imagination that assumes all kinky relationships must play out a sexy version of 1950s gender roles. Second, because cisheterosexism still means that—even in alternative spaces—men are more likely to hold positions of leadership and influence. And third, because parts of the community can be pretty damn unwelcoming for queer people and especially for queer women.

More than once, when I’ve played with other women in public kink spaces, we’ve been interrupted by men. They either try to give unsolicited advice or try to insert themselves into our scene. On one memorable occasion, I was topping for an impact play scene with a friend (who, in her words, was “having a perfectly lovely time”). Out of nowhere, a man I’d never met came over and tried to physically grab my flogger out of my hands.

Because I was a woman, I was assumed to be incompetent. Because we were two women playing together, we were assumed to need a man. Our happy little play bubble was totally ruined by some random dude’s ego and entitlement.

This isn’t an isolated incident, either. Virtually every queer woman I know who plays in mixed kink spaces with other women has a similar story. Is there any wonder we’ve started making more and more of our own spaces?

To be fair, this does seem to be slowly getting better. But there’s some way still to go.

“But You Still Like Men, Right?” Minimising of Lesbian and Sapphic Relationships in Heteronormative Polyamory Communities

When I mention my girlfriend to people who know I’m non-monogamous (or can reasonably make that assumption, such as at a lifestyle party or social), one of the first I’ve been asked on numerous occasions is whether or not I also date or fuck men.

My friend Violet calls this the “are you heteronormative enough for my comfort zone?” question. Which… no. No I am not.

My usual response to this, until now, has been to say yes but emphasise that it’s fairly rare for me to fancy a man enough to want to do anything about it. In the future, though, I think I might change my response. “Why do you ask?” or “well I’m not sleeping with you if that’s what you’re really asking” are strong contenders.

I want people who ask me this question to ask themselves why it’s the first place their mind goes on learning that I’m sapphic. After all, if a woman mentions a boyfriend or husband, almost no-one is going to ask her “but you still date women too, right?” Ultimately, what they’re asking is whether I am still sexually available to men – a thing that patriarchy both demands of women and villifies us for.

There’s a strong connection between all of this and the commodification of sapphic sexuality in service of the male gaze.

Polyamory, Sapphic and Lesbian Sexuality, and the Male Gaze

People often believe that there is no sapphic, lesbian and WLW erasure issue in polyamory and kink because there are so many bisexual, pansexual and queer women in these spaces. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s quite that simple. In reality, my experience and the experience of many sapphic friends I’ve spoken to about this, is often not so much one of acceptance but of fetishisation, followed by devaluing when we refuse to conform to a safe, male-gazey idea of what our sexuality should be. And fetishisation is not acceptance. It certainly isn’t love.

Lesbian, sapphic, bi+, and queer polyamory exists in contexts that have absolutely nothing to do with performing for men.

I’m reminded of the man at a polyamorous speed dating event about a year ago. He aggressively quizzed me about what my former metamour-with-benefits and I got up to in the bedroom. He was then clearly bored and put out when I refused to engage. In the 16 years or so I’ve been out, I really thought we’d moved past men asking sapphics “but what do y’all do in bed anyway!?”. Apparently we have not.

I’m also reminded of the man who hit on me and my girlfriend in a gay bar on Pride weekend. Because apparently what two sapphics in love desperately needed in that moment was his dick. I have literally dozens of other examples like this that I can pull out with very little thought.

Expectations of Performativity

In sexualised spaces, including parts of the polyamory community, people continue to expect queer women to perform their sexuality in a way that appeals to the male gaze. Two different male exes of mine became extremely upset or angry when my girlfriends were either not their physical type or not willing to sleep with them. This made me feel like my sexuality, my relationships, were only valid as long as they provided benefits to men. Which, of course, is a classic way that society devalues and commodifies WLW relationships.

One of these partners literally asked me what was “even the point” of me being queer. If I didn’t perform in a way that fulfilled his lesbian porn fantasy, my identity was irrelevant. Other male partners and metamours have tried to demand titillating details, photos, or even the right to “watch.” I’ve been hit on by so many men who want me to play with their wives. This is inevitably not because she wants a sapphic experience, but because he wants her to perform one for him.

Patriarchal entitlement to women’s bodies persists, even when we are tell you we are far more interested in each other than we are in you.

Unicorn hunting is another extremely common variation on this theme. In those dynamics, the original male/female couple will often pull a bait-and-switch tactic in which they use the woman to lure other queer women in, then spring the boyfriend or husband on the unsuspecting “unicorn” as a kind of polyamory package deal. I hope I don’t have to tell you how grossly unethical this is. That’s why I now run from prospective female dates at the first signs that they’re going to expect me to be sexually available to their male partners.

And that brings us to…

One Penis Policies in Polyamory: Are Lesbian and Sapphic Dynamics Less Threatening, or Are You Just Homophobic?

This particular trope is so common within non-monogamy that it’s now a cliché. A cisgender man and woman open up their relationship. The man then tells his partner he’ll allow her to date other women, but no men. (In practice, what this means is “no-one else with a penis“, which is also transphobic.) The reason? Women are just less threatening. They don’t make him feel emasculated or threatened in the way that a man (or penis-haver) would.

The subtext? His wife could never leave him for another woman. She could never like having sex with another woman more than she does with him. She could never gain more fulfillment from a sapphic relationship than from a straight one. A man could steal her away, but a woman couldn’t. So his place in her life is safe. Right?

This comes from a belief that relationships between women are less real, less valid, and less important than hetero-appearing relationships. In other words it’s straight up, common-or-garden, fucking boring homophobia.

These men, by the way, are often the same men who expect their wives’ sapphic relationships to offer them something in terms of sexual access or live-action lesbian porn on tap then get very upset if they don’t.

But of course, lesbian, sapphic and WLW relationships are just as deep, meaningful, and sexually satisfying as hetero ones in both polyamory and monogamy. Hell, for many of us they’re often more so. If you believe your wife can’t possibly glean as much happiness or fulfillment from a relationship with a woman, you might be in for a very rude awakening. If you see another man as a threat but not a woman, all this tells me is that you believe men are inherently superior and hetero relationships are inherently more desirable or important.

The fact that this practice and way of thinking is so common tells me, in itself, that there’s still a lot of homophobia towards lesbian, sapphic and queer women within polyamory.

So What Can We Do About It?

I try to make these blog posts something more than just rants. So if we accept that sapphic, lesbian and WLW erasure are huge problems in these communities, what can we do about it?

Here are a few of my ideas for how we, as a community, can start combatting this issue:

  • Stop all gendered pricing for events, now. If you want to limit numbers of single men, fine. You can sell only a certain number of tickets or vet them carefully or both. But pricing according to gender, and defining “couple” as meaning a man and a woman, is homophobic, cissexist, and exclusionary.
  • Vote with your feet and your wallet. Attend events that are inclusive and avoid those that are not.
  • Stop asking queer women whether we also sleep with men. Some of us do, some of us don’t. Either way, it is solidly none of your goddamn business unless we’re going to sleep with you. And unless we make it very clear, you should probably assume we’re not.
  • Stop asking queer women for details of our sex lives. This includes asking if you can “watch,” asking for pictures or details, or treating us as lesbian porn fantasies.
  • If you’re a man practicing polyamory with a queer female partner, give your partner’s sapphic relationships equal weight to yours.
  • Do not assume that hetero-presenting relationships or marriages are “primary”. Don’t assume they are more important or take precedent over queer relationships in non-monogamous networks.
  • Push back against unicorn hunting and one penis policies wherever you see them. Let people know that they are fetishising, homophobic, transphobic, and all-round gross.
  • Use non-gendered terms when talking about kink roles such as Top, bottom, Dominant, submissive, and so on. Do not assume that all Dominants are men, that all submissives are women, or that all kinky relationships are heteronormative.
  • Uplift and support queer women as educators, speakers, organisers, and leaders within the kink, polyamory, and sex-positive communities.

Of course, fixing this kind of stuff takes more than just a few steps. Erasure of sapphic and queer women is deeply ingrained and pervasive, and communities like kink and polyamory are not immune. Undoing it will require a massive cultural shift both within our little subcultures and in wider society. It won’t happen overnight, of course. But I do believe we can get there. Let’s start by acknowledging that lesbian and queer polyamory exist, are valid, and are beautiful.

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Broken Agreements, Breaches of Trust, and Cheating in Polyamory: What Now? [Polyamory Conversation Cards #2]

Published on by Amy

“What is cheating in polyamory?”

“My partner did this thing that really upset me. Did they cheat?”

“Is it cheating if I…?”

I see variations of these questions multiple times a week in polyamory groups, forums, and other discussion spaces. Cheating in polyamory is a complicated subject, and a divisive one. Often, when the subject of what constitutes “cheating” in polyamory comes up, something has happened that breaches a relationship agreement (or, sometimes, an unspoken assumption) or leads to someone feeling that their trust in their partner has been broken.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series I’m doing inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag.

This week’s card asks:

“If your partner cheats on you or breaks an agreement, how can they best communicate this and what do you need to restore any damaged trust?”

Ahh, cheating in polyamory and broken relationship agreements. I have a LOT to say about this one, so let’s dive straight in.

Does Cheating in Polyamory Even Exist?

Some people think it’s impossible to cheat in an open relationship. After all, in monogamy-land, “cheating” is typically defined as “doing romantic or sexual things with someone who is not your partner.” But an open or polyamorous relationship explicitly allows for those things, so how is it possible to cheat?

This belief comes from another, to which I also do not subscribe: that polyamory or consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is a no-holds-barred free-for-all. In fact, all the successful polyamorous relationships I know are carefully negotiated and based upon mutual respect and well-crafted relationship agreements that serve everyone’s best interests.

So yes, cheating in polyamory is a real thing. If you go behind your partner’s back, don’t notify them about something they’d reasonably expect to be told about (such as a new partner or a change in sexual health practices), you might be doing something that could be defined as cheating.

However, when a breach of trust or a broken agreement has happened, I also believe that “is this cheating?” is almost always the wrong question.

Why I Think “Is It Cheating?” is the Wrong Question in Both Polyamory and Monogamy

“Cheating” is such a loaded term in our society and relationship landscape, both in polyamory and monogamy. It comes with so many assumptions and beliefs, many of them neither helpful nor true. Consider, for example, the maxim “once a cheater, always a cheater.” This is demonstrably false. Making a bad choice once, or even many times, does not doom a person to continue to make it for the rest of their lives! Many people have cheated on a partner, then decided not to repeat that behaviour in that relationship or others.

Cheating is destructive and cruel, and it is something that I take a pretty hard line on in my relationships. I won’t stay with a partner who cheats on me and I won’t get or stay involved with someone who is actively cheating on another partner. However, I also have a fairly narrow and specific personal definition of cheating. I would only consider one of my partners to have cheated on me if they deliberately and willingly broke a relationship agreement we made and lied to me about it.

Also, and this is important: you’re allowed to be upset about something even if it doesn’t meet anyone’s reasonable definition of cheating in polyamory! To use a totally hypothetical example, let’s say a partner of mine skips my birthday party to go hook up with a new person. No-one would reasonably call that “cheating”, but it’s still unkind, inconsiderate and unloving behaviour about which I am legitimately within my rights to be pissed off.

So, if one of your partners does something that hurts you or violates an agreement, don’t leap straight to “did they cheat?” Instead, ask yourself how their actions make you feel. Perhaps you’re hurt. Angry. Betrayed. Scared. A mix of these emotions, or something else entirely. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, then consider what to do next (which we’ll get into below.)

Are Breaches of Agreements or Cheating Inevitable in Polyamory?

Another refrain I hear a lot in polyamorous spaces is, “the problem with rules is that they always get broken.” I don’t necessarily agree with this, though. In my early days in polyamory, my relationships had a lot of rules attached to them. I no longer think this was a particularly good or healthy approach, and now practice non-hierarchical polyamory that prioritises mutual agreements, personal boundaries, and care and consideration for everyone involved over rules.

So no, I don’t think cheating or violating agreements in polyamory is inevitable.

However, what I did not do is break any of those rules when they were in place. To do so would have been dishonest, unkind, and relationship-damaging. So no, I do not necessarily believe that any rule you put in place will get broken, and I certainly don’t think that mutually-made relationship agreements will.

What is pretty much inevitable, though, is the occasional miscommunication or mistake. We’re all imperfect humans and we will sometimes misunderstand our partners, genuinely forget to communicate something important, or realise that we were interpreting the terms of an agreement differently to the other person or people involved.

The bad news is that, when these things happen, they suck. For everyone. The good news is that they’re often entirely recoverable.

Someone Cheated, Broke an Agreement, or Breached Your Trust. What Now?

Sometimes, someone will make a bad choice or one that causes hurt to their partner(s). It would be wonderful if this never happened, but we’re all humans and we live in the real world. The chances of it happening to any of us at some point are fairly high.

I’m approaching this section from the perspective of talking to the person whose trust was broken. However, if you’re the one who did the agreement-breaking, there should be plenty in here for you too.

So, your partner cheated, broke an agreement, or otherwise did something to violate your trust in your polyamorous relationship. What the hell do you do now?

Get the Facts and Assume Good Faith

When your feelings are hurt and you’re feeling scared, betrayed, or angry, it’s very easy to assume the worst of everyone involved. You might feel as though they don’t care about you at all, or even that causing you pain was their intention. However, this is often not the case.

Sure, some people are malicious actors who operate with absolutely no regard for their partners’ feelings or even set out to hurt their partners intentionally. The vast majority of people, though, are not like that. Many breaches of trust happen due to thoughtlessness rather than malice. Misunderstandings, forgetfulness, mental health issues, and intoxication are just some of the other non-malicious causes (or contributing factors) that can be behind hurtful choices. They’re not excuses, of course, but understanding that your partner did not harm you intentionally can be helpful in the immediate aftermath of a broken agreement.

Until you know all the facts, try to assume good faith on the part of your parter(s) and anyone else involved. It is far easier to recover from someone doing something stupid but thoughtless than it is to recover from someone intentionally and knowingly choosing to betray you.

The other important thing to do here is watch for patterns. If this is the first time your partner has done something like this and they seem genuinely remorseful, your reaction will likely be (and probably should be) different than if this is the fifth time they’ve done the same thing with the same excuse.

Decide Whether Repair is Possible

You might be someone who considers a broken agreement to be an instant, relationship ending dealbreaker. And you get to make that choice! However, for most of us, this is likely to be contextual. There are different levels and severities of cheating and broken agreements in polyamory.

Choosing to break a safer sex agreement (e.g. not using a condom with a casual hook-up, if that’s what you’ve agreed) in the heat of the moment and then disclosing it to your partner straight away isn’t good, but it’s a world away from repeatedly and deliberately having unprotected sex for months without telling your existing partner(s.) The former is far more likely to be repairable than the latter. Misunderstanding the terms of an agreement in good faith is quantifiably different from understanding the spirit of an agreeement but rules-lawyering your way into violating it anyway.

If your partner has broken an agreement, cheated on you, or otherwise damaged your trust, only you can decide if repair is possible. In other words, are you going to stay and do the work with your partner to fix things, or are you going to leave the relationship?

Either choice is valid, of course. However, I’m personally big on forgiveness and not a fan of throwing relationships away over mistakes. A breach would have to be both huge and clearly deliberate for me to walk away from a relationship over it at this stage.

Feel and Express Your Feelings

We touched on this above. Experiencing cheating or broken polyamory agreements hurts. It can be tempting to skip this step, because the feelings these kinds of incidents bring up can be painful and even traumatic. However, it’s essential that you allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Repressing them doesn’t do anyone any good.

Note that expressing your emotions does not mean completely flying off the handle. However, it’s fair to be in a heightened emotional state and—as long as you’re not doing anything abusive such as screaming at your partner, using verbal abuse, showing physical aggression or violence, or threatening harm to them or yourself—you shouldn’t necessarily feel an obligation to tone this down. It’s okay to cry, to express anger, and to show how hurt you are.

Where possible, try to use “I” statements and to be as specific as possible. For example, “when I found out you’d had sex without a condom, I felt disregarded and uncared for” is better than “you obviously just don’t give a fuck about me.” If you need to take a little time and space before you can express your feelings in a healthy way, that’s fine too.

What Do You Need From Your Partner?

Assuming your partner made a genuine mistake, they are likely feeling remorseful for their actions. They probably regret hurting you and want to make amends. Take the time to think about what you need from them for repair to happen. Cheating and broken agreements aren’t necessarily insurmountable in either polyamory or monogamy.

This can look a bunch of different ways. I’ve had situations where all I needed was an explanation of what happened and why followed by a genuine apology, then we could forget the whole thing and move on. Other situations have required more intensive repair efforts.

Some of the things you might ask for include:

  • An apology
  • To talk through exactly what happened and why
  • A commitment that your partner won’t repeat the behaviour and for them to outline the steps they will take to ensure it doesn’t happen again
  • Some quality time with your partner to re-establish your connection
  • Some space from your partner. (Ensure that this doesn’t lead to you stonewalling them or giving them the silent treatment as a punishment. Time-limit it and let them know when you will return. For example, “I’m going to take until tomorrow to process this and care for myself, I’ll call you after work.”)
  • For the two of you to see a relationship counsellor or therapist together

…or something else that I haven’t thought of! Your partner doesn’t have to give you what you ask for, of course. This is about requests, not demands. But how they respond to your reasonable requests for reconnection, amends, or trust-rebuilding will probably tell you a lot about how they feel about having hurt you and how committed they are to repairing and strengthening your bond.

Resist the Urge to Punish Your Partner for Cheating or Breaking a Polyamory Agreement

This part can be difficult for some people, but it’s essential. If your partner has cheated, violated an agreement, or breached your trust, you might feel a lot of anger. That’s understandable! What you must do, though, is resist the urge to punish them or retaliate from a place of anger.

I’ve seen this look various ways. In cases of agreement breaches or cheating in polyamory, two of the most common are “you have to be monogamous to me but I can still be open, because you broke the rules” and “I’m vetoing the person you made a mistake with, so you have to break up with them.” The other common version in all relationship structures, of course, is “you cheated on me so now I get to cheat on you and you can’t say anything about it.”

Assuming you’ve decided to remain in the relationship, the goal must be to repair, reconnect, and come back together having learned from whatever happened. Depending on the severity, this may not be easy and it may take some time to rebuild trust. However, punishing your partner or retaliating will actually lead you further away from a positive resolution. It may also irrevocably poison your relationship in the long run.

Give It Time

Trust is often fragile, particularly for people with trauma histories. It can take a long time to repair when someone breaks it. So don’t expect overnight repair, no matter how remorseful the person who broke an agreement is or how sincerely they commit to ensuring it never happens again.

The best apology, as the saying goes, is changed behaviour. So see how your partner behaves in the aftermath of the trust breach. Do they make sincere efforts to display trustworthiness and make you feel loved and valued? Do they take steps to make sure they don’t repeat the mistake? If so, you’re good.

Broken agreements, trust violations, and cheating in polyamory are incredibly painful and can cause massive ruptures in relationships and polycules. But they don’t necessarily have to mean the end of everything.

FYI: this post contains an affiliate link.

Header image for Tracy's Dog mindful masturbation sponsored post featuring a vibrator, handcuffs and anal beads in a drawer

What is Mindful Masturbation and How Can It Benefit Your Sex Life?

Published on by Amy

It’s no secret that I am a big fan of masturbation in all its forms. I believe it should be promoted, celebrated, taught as part of sex education, and totally destigmatised. There are countless ways to have solo sex, and none of them are better or worse than any others. Are you having fun without harming yourself or anyone else? Congratulations, you’re doing it right. Today I wanted to introduce you to one possible self-pleasure tool you may not be aware of. Let’s talk mindful masturbation and explore how mindfulness can benefit both your solo and partnered sex life.

What is Mindfulness?

To understand mindful masturbation, we first have to understand mindfulness. In short, mindfulness is all about being present and in the moment.

Many people practice mindfulness meditations, but these don’t work for everyone (they don’t work for me at all, which I think is because I have ADHD.) You can also incorporate it into your day to day life. One of my favourite forms of “meditation” is actually doing something with my hands, such as knitting, colouring, or putting something together and paying attention to how it feels. Simply taking a moment to notice your body, its sensations, your surroundings, and your reaction to those surroundings is a mindfulness practice.

The potential benefits of mindfulness can include stress reduction, improved focus, enhanced self-awareness, and better emotional regulation. It’s not the magic pill some have made it out to be, of course, but it’s a great addition to your mental health and self-care toolbox.

What is Mindful Masturbation and How Do You Do It?

Mindful masturbation, then, is all about being present in your body while you touch yourself. Stay curious and exploratory – it can help to imagine that you’re touching yourself as you’d touch a new lover when you don’t know their body super well yet. You’d experiment, try things out, and stay open to feedback. Do the same thing for yourself and let yourself be surprised.

Mindfulness is also about encouraging your thoughts to stay in the moment. Each time you find your mind wandering, kindly but firmly guide it back. Breathe deeply, ask yourself how you feel, and observe your body and mind’s responses without judgement.

Finally, try to take the focus away from orgasm. If you cum during your session, great! If you don’t, that’s fine, too! The point is to move away from goal-centered masturbation into a more exploratory and pleasure-centric frame of mind.

Whether you choose to use your hands, sex toys, or a mixture of the two is completely your choice. I’m personally an advocate for using both as they can allow you to experience a wide array of different sensations. Why not pick up a new sex toy? For long, slow, luxurious masturbation sessions, I love clit suction toys such as the Flowliper, a new and beginner-friendly clitoral toy with a unique “dynamic pulse” function from Tracy’s Dog.

How Can Mindful Masturbation Benefit Your Sex Life?

No matter your gender, orientation, or relationship status, touching yourself mindfully can help you to tune into your body, get to know your desires, and improve your sex life. Here are just a few of the ways it can benefit you.

Practice Mindfulness During Masturbation to Learn More About How You Experience Pleasure

Mindful masturbation isn’t about getting off and getting on with your day as quickly as possible. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that type of masturbation! I’m a big fan, in fact, at times. But that’s not what we’re doing here.) Since you’re chasing pleasure without necessarily having the explicit goal of orgasm in mind, you can take your time to try things out and touch your body in different ways. You might be surprised what you learn!

Mindful Masturbation as a Stress Reduction Technique

Mindfulness has been shown to reduce stress for many people. Guess what? So has masturbation! So combining the two has the potential to give you a powerful stress-buster. Take the time to touch yourself mindfully even just a few times a week, and you might start feeling calmer and more centered throughout the day.

Mindfulness Can Help You to Reach Better and More Frequent Orgasms During Masturbation and Sex

I know I just said that orgasm wasn’t the goal here – and it doesn’t have to be. But if you do want to get off, practicing mindful masturbation can help you to have more frequent, stronger, and easier to reach orgasms. This is because you’re more present in your pleasure and turning away from distractions, and because you’re likely learning new ways to enjoy your body.

Paradoxically, taking the focus off orgasm—particularly if you ever struggle to come—can be one of the best ways to help you get there.

New Skills to Bring Back to Partnered Sex

Masturbation is wonderful regardless of whether you’re in a relationship. And, of course, not everyone who masturbates has (or wants to have) partnered sex. But if partnered sex is a part of your life, mindful self-pleasure can teach you all kinds of new skills and tricks to bring back to your partner(s.) This can include new ways you like to be touched, but also skills such as staying present in the moment and waving away distracting thoughts that get in the way of your pleasure.

Self-Pleasure as Self-Care

Unfortunately and despite the fact that almost everyone does it at least occasionally, masturbation is still heavily stigmatised, especially for women. However, I firmly believe that masturbation is a form of self-care. It feels great, has no negative repercussions, and doesn’t require much beyond a little time and privacy to explore. If you ever struggle with shame around masturbation, or even if you don’t but have treated it in a perfunctory way until now, then mindfully masturbating can be a great way to shift it towards more of a holistic self-love and self-care practice.

Thanks to Tracy’s Dog for sponsoring this post! All views, as always, are mine.

Pink fancy dress rabbit ears poking over a wall. Text reads: YoYoLemon Masturbator & Rabbit Vibrator

[Toy Review] YoYoLemon Thrusting & Rotating Masturbator and Rabbit Vibrator

Published on by Amy

YoYoLemon recently sent me two toys to review: a rotating masturbator and a rabbit vibrator. Reviewing penis toys can be a challenge for me, not being in possession of a penis. My nesting partner, Mr C&K, is often willing to assist but was unable to on this occasion. I’d like to extend my thanks to my dear friend SilverDom for lending his cock and opinions to the cause of sex toy reviews.

YoYoLemon Thrusting and Rotating Masturbator: Details

The YoYoLemon Male Masturbator with Rotating and Thrusting and Female Moans, Realistic Textured Vagina Pocket Pussy (to give it its full and exhausting title!) is a penis masturbator in the typical “hard outer cup, soft inner sleeve” style. Like many other toys of its kind, it wouldn’t look out of place amidst a lineup of high-end kitchen gadgets. It measures a hefty 10.5″ in length and 3.5″ in diameter. The maximum penetration depth is 5.2″.

The exterior case is hard ABS plastic, while the interior is TPE. This internal part is removeable for cleaning. TPE (thermoplastic elastomer) is usually non-toxic, but it is porous. This means that you can never get it truly sterile. The material will harbour bacteria and begin to degrade after a while.

It’s generally fine to use TPE toys for external use, and the vast majority of penis masturbators are made of this material. However, you should throw it away as soon as it starts to split, smell bad, or show any other signs of material degredation. You shouldn’t share a TPE toy, as this can be an STI transmission risk. Wash it with soap and water after each use, and then dust it with a little bit of cornstarch to encourage it to dry out completely.

YoYoLemon thrusting and rotating masturbator

This masturbator offers both thrusting and rotating functions, as well as audio playing female voices making moaning sounds. I’m equally amused and a little unsettled by the idea of a toy that moans at you as you use it.

The YoYoLemon Thrusting and Rotating Masturbator is rechargeable. A full charge takes 2.5 hours and gives you anything from 30 minutes to 1.5 hours of runtime, depending on the settings you’re using.

Confusingly, the packaging states that the toy is “waterproof” but the instructions then warn you not to keep it in water for long. I have not tested it in water for fear of killing it, but this suggests to me that it’s somewhat water-resistant for cleaning but it definitely wouldn’t be a good idea to use it in the bath or shower.

SilverDom notes that the text on the packaging “reads like it has been run through Google Translate 17 times.” An actual quote: “Do not let go the start of moanin and return to the moanin forward.” The instructions, such that they are, are written in much the same way. Hire an actual translator for your product info, please and thank you.

YoYoLemon Thrusting Masturbator Review: In Use

The YoYoLemon Thrusting and Rotating Masturbator looks and feels well-built and is heavy in the hand. Most people will likely need two hands to operate it.

YoYoLemon thrusting and rotating masturbator

The inner sleeve is lined with dozens of little nubs to provide additional stimulation, and the opening is “vaguely vulva-shaped.” At first, the opening appears quite small, meaning that if your penis is above average in either length or girth you might worry about whether it’ll fit. Don’t worry, though—this toy is stretchy. With a little water-based lube, it will accommodate the majority of penis sizes easily. If you have a slimmer penis, you might find it frustrating as the inner tube is quite wide and doesn’t have the tightest grip. SilverDom reported finding the inner nubs quite rough and not particularly pleasurable.

The toy offers 10 patterns of twisting and thrusting and a single button that cycles through them all. What is lacking, though, is speed control. A scroll wheel or separate buttons would fix this problem. “I found all of the patterns entirely useless to me, largely because I had no control over them. I came frustratingly close to orgasm at least 4 times,” SilverDom says.

There are three buttons on the toy in total. The other two switch it on and off, and control the moaning sounds.

Oh, and those moans? They’re basically low-quality mainstream porn sounds. If this is something you find sexy, fair enough. SilverDom and I both agreed it was mostly weird and distracting. There is a headphone jack if you want to make use of this feature discreetly. The toy’s actual sounds in use are—despite claims to the contrary—also rather loud and distracting.

The YoYoLemon Thrusting and Rotating Masturbator features a suction cup to attach it to a wall or other surface for hands-free use. The suction cup is reasonably sturdy and holds it in place well.

Cleaning is ostensibly easy thanks to the removable inner part. However, it’s actually quite hard to take apart and put back together. This is made worse by the fact that the tube and entrance are two separate pieces.

Rotating Masturbator Review: Verdict

This one’s more miss than hit, unfortunately. There are just too many problems and design-and-execution flaws for me to really recommend it. Speed controls, a non-porous material, a better designed internal sleeve, and removing or improving the weird moaning function would all vastly improve the quality of this product.

This toy retails for $79.99/£65.99. It might be cheaper than other comparable products on the market, but it’s not really worth the cost saving when there’s such a dip in quality. You can spend just a little more and get something much better.

I’m gonna conclude with SilverDom’s TL/DR: “I don’t think a toy has ever made me feel so sexually frustrated… or with such temporary hearing loss!” Unfortunately, the promised “earth-shaking orgasms” were not forthcoming.

YoYoLemon Rabbit Vibrator

I’ve long had a mixed relationship with rabbit vibrators. Over the years I’ve tried some absolute gems, a lot of middle-of-the-road and fine-but-ultimately-forgottable toys, and some that were really pretty bad. I’ll be honest: I rarely reach for them when I’m masturbating, and even more rarely when I’m using toys with a partner.

This is partly because I have an on-again, off-again relationship with vaginal penetration. It’s fine and I enjoy it sometimes, but my clit will always be the key to my heart. But it’s also because rabbit vibes tend to be so goddamn fiddly to use. By the time I’ve positioned a rabbit exactly right so that it’s stimulating my clit without poking me in the vaginal wall, and then messed around with different settings to get the “gentle on the vag, intense on the clit” combo I need to get off, I’m more likely to be feeling annoyed and bored than turned on.

So while the mood for them strikes occasionally, rabbit vibes are rarely likely to be my first choice.

YoYoLemon Rabbit Vibrator

Even so, the legend of the rabbit vibrator persists. They’re arguably one of the most enduringly popular types of sex toys out there. I think that’s partly because of the ways they’ve been portrayed in popular culture (that Sex and the City scene, anyone?)

I think it’s also partly because they connect to the idea of the “blended orgasm”—an orgasm that’s reached through clitoral and G-spot stimulation simultaneously. Many consider this to be a better type of orgasm than other kinds. I’m cynical about this, to say the least. Firstly, because the experience of sexual pleasure is so intensely personal and unique, I’m not sure we can (or should) meaningfully break orgasms down into discrete “types.” Secondly, even if we can, I’m extremely wary about elevating some types of orgasms over others. Some people climax in that way, and other people don’t.

YoYoLemon Rabbit: Details

The YoYoLemon Rabbit (full title YoYoLemon Rabbit Vibrator for Women with 9 Thrusting and 9 Vibration Modes for Vagina G Spot and Clitoral Adult Sex Toys) measures 8.4″ in total length and 4.7″ in insertable length. The shaft is a slimline 0.95″ in diameter at the widest point.

Incidentally, I have no idea why this toy has the word “thrusting” in the title. It does not thrust.

YoYoLemon Rabbit Vibrator
Sidebar: obsessed with my nails in this one.

This toy is made of body-safe matte silicone in a dark pink shade. The shaft and the underside of the clitoral stimulator both have a ribbed texture. It is IPX7 waterproof, meaning you can immerse it in water safely—ideal for using in the bath or shower. It’s also USB rechargeable and comes with the necessary cable. A full charge takes about 2 hours and gives you around 90 minutes of continuous use.

Yoyolemon Rabbit Vibrator: Pros and Cons

First of all, let’s look at what I did like about the Yoyolemon Rabbit Vibrator.

Pros

  • The silicone is lovely to the touch—soft and smooth.
  • The shaft is a good shape, with a very gentle curve that’s good for targeted G-spot stimulation without being too pokey or pointy.
  • The texturing on the underside of the clitoral stimulator was nice, providing an additional and different sensation alongside the vibrations.
  • One of the big problems with many rabbit vibrators lies with positioning. Since all bodies are different and there’s a wide variation between vulvas, rabbit toys with both arms in fixed positions are only ever going to work for a small number of users. The Yoyolemon’s rabbit has a super flexible clitoral stimulator, making it easy to position the toy correctly for your body.
  • There are 3 constant vibration speeds and 6 patterns, making 9 settings in all. No matter what you like, there’s probably something in there that will suit you.
  • The user interface is simple, with an on/off button and a settings button. These two buttons are well-placed and easy top press.
  • It is discreetly packaged in a sturdy black box and comes with a drawstring storage bag.
YoYoLemon Rabbit Vibrator

Cons

There were also a few notable downsides to this product, including:

  • Supposedly, the Yoyolemon Rabbit Vibrator has an automatic warming function, heating up the shaft of the toy to 107F (42C, or just above body temperature) for “very realistic satisfaction.” It supposedly gets up to temperature in 3 minutes. Unfortunately, my toy’s heating function did not work at all even when I left it running for a good 15 minutes.
  • That flexible clitoral stimulator? While it’s great for positioning, it’s really a bit too flexible. No sooner have I got it on my clit than it flops away again if I change angles even slightly.
  • The vibrations are not particularly strong and buzzy as fuck. Even on the highest setting and with plenty of warm-up, there’s zero chance this toy will ever make me cum. After ten minutes or so, my clit was so numb I could barely feel anything at all.
  • The toy isn’t particularly loud, but the sound it does make is high-pitched and whiny with an occasional concerning rattling.
YoYoLemon Rabbit Vibrator buttons close-up

  • You can’t control the two motors (clitoral and G-spot) separately. For people like me, who want the aforementioned intense clitoral stimulation alongside gentle (or no) internal vibrations, this is a huge downside and renders the toy pretty much unusable.
  • You can only scroll through the settings one way, meaning a lot of button-pressing if you want to go back to the previous one.

Verdict

The Yoyolemon Rabbit Vibrator retails for £57.99 (or $69.99 US) which I think is really too expensive for what it is: a fairly basic rabbit vibrator. I’m sorry to say that I’d be feeling pretty disappointed if I’d paid that much for this product considering that it’s never going to get me off.

Thanks to YoYoLemon for sponsoring these two honest and unbiased reviews. All views are either mine or SD’s.