Year: 2019

Fingers touching an orange suggestively. Header for a Hot Octopuss DiGiT and Amo review

[Toy Review] Hot Octopuss DiGiT & AMO

Published on by Amy

I received these products in fairly quick succession, so I decided I’d do something a bit different and try a compareview (that’s a comparison/review) of the Hot Octopuss DiGiT finger vibe and AMO bullet. And, because I enjoy a bit of friendly competition, I’m going to award a point in each section of the review and finish by telling you which one I recommend more.

Hot Octopuss Digit & Amo

Hot Octopuss burst onto the sex toy scene in 2013 with the Pulse III, a toy for penis-owners that utilises PulsePlate, a patented technology based on medical science. Read more here, it’s genuinely fascinating. Since then, the company has branched out, with various products for both penises and vulvas. The latest two offerings are DiGiT and AMO.

Hot Octopuss Digit
Digit
Hot Octopuss AMO
AMO

The Hot Octopuss Digit is a finger vibrator with two plastic loops at the base. You pop two fingers through these loops and the shaft rests against the length of one finger, essentially becoming an extension of your hand while you play.

The Hot Octopuss AMO is a more traditional bullet vibe, with a shaft that widens at the top. One side has a gentle curve and the other has a pinpoint tip for more targeted stimulation.

Stats, Size, and Other Important Things

The Hot Octopuss Digit and AMO are both USB rechargeable, giving around 40 minutes of running time on a full charge. I would prefer both toys to have a longer battery life. It can take me 20-30 minutes or longer to reach orgasm, which functionally means having to charge the toy before every use.

Both toys are USB rechargeable and waterproof.

Size-wise, there’s not much in it either. The Digit is slightly heavier (58g to the AMO’s 43g) while the AMO is a little longer (9.5cm vs DiGiT’s 8.7cm.)

The main shaft of both toys is made of black silicone. The bases (and, in the case of the Digit, the finger loops) are plastic. These toys are designed to be used externally. You could insert them into your vagina if you wished, but they are not anal-safe, particularly the AMO.

Thus far, it’s a draw.

Is the Hot Octopuss Digit or AMO More Innovative?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking a tried-and-true formula and doing it well. Bullet vibrators are a staple for a reason, and almost every toy company I can think of has one in its product line. AMO does, however, have an edge over the standard bullet design in that the unique shape adds something extra. We’ll touch on this more a little later.

The Hot Octopuss Digit, though, is a little more innovative. While wear-it-on-your-finger vibrators do, of course, exist elsewhere, all the ones I’ve ever tried have either been made of unsafe materials, had such weak vibrations that my fingers could do a better job by themselves, or both. The two-loops design is also something I haven’t seen before and makes the toy more comfortable to wear.

The Digit wins the innovation round!

Aesthetics

Hot Octopuss toys have a distinct style to them, and these two are no exception. The Digit’s base and finger loops are a kind of brown-bronze colour with a gold band separating the base from the shaft. The Hot Octopuss name is stamped into the silicone on the side of the toy and the crown logo is embossed on one of the finger loops. After just a couple of uses, though, this logo started to rub off.

AMO’s plastic base is a dark red at the bottom which fades to black where it blends with the main body at the join. The company name is embossed on the side of the base. Both toys have the Hot Octopuss crown logo stamped on the bottom of their base.

Aesthetics-wise, AMO wins for me. They’re both perfectly attractive toys but the red and black is such a stylish and sexy combo.

Settings and Controls

On both the Hot Octopuss Digit and AMO, there’s a single on/off/change setting button on one side of the shaft and up/down speed buttons on the other side.

The button placement is kinda awkward on the Digit. Because it was attached to the fingers of my dominant hand, I could only change the settings by either curling my thumb under at a really unnatural angle or bringing my other hand into play.

Full disclosure here, though: I’m left-handed. I also tried the toy on my right hand and this does, indeed, make the button placement feel somewhat more intuitive as the up/down buttons are perfectly placed to press them with your thumb. It still loses points, though, for being significantly less accessible and user-friendly to lefties like myself.

The button placement is much less of an issue on the AMO simply because of the way you use it. When I used it with my left hand, the speed buttons were well placed to easily push with my index finger.

The Digit has five speeds and five patterns, while the AMO has six speeds and five patterns

AMO takes the point for user-friendliness and for that one additional speed.

Hot Octopuss Digit vs. AMO: Which is More Powerful?

They’re identical. Hot Octopuss appears to have used the exact same type of motor in both of these toys.

In terms of power, I’d describe these toys as middling. The vibrations are pretty rumbly and have some power behind them, but they’re not blow-your-socks-off strong. They’re not powerful enough to get me off in five minutes, but they’re not “vainly smooshing it against my clitoris and hoping I feel SOMETHING” either.

It’s a draw on this one.

User Experience

I enjoyed using both of these toys. However, I don’t see myself reaching for the Digit for solo play very often in the future. It’s more likely a toy I’d use for hand sex with a partner. AMO, though, might just earn a place in my regular rotation.

The reason for this difference, given the identical motors, lies in the products’ shapes. The Digit’s smooth surface felt perfectly enjoyable, but the AMO’s pinpoint tip really blew me away. It’s the ideal shape and angle for targeting the perfect spot on my clit.

No contest in this one: AMO wins hands-down.

Price

The Hot Octopuss Digit retails for £59.95 and the AMO retails for £49.95.

The price difference here makes this an easy one – AMO takes another point.

Verdict: Which One Should I Get?

Both of these products are quality toys with decent motors. However, the AMO is the overall winner from my perspective.

Get the Digit and AMO directly from Hot Octopuss.

Thanks to Hot Octopuss for sending me these products to review. All views are, as ever, completely my own. Affiliate links appear in this post. Product photos by Hot Octopuss.

Header image for Zumio S review

[Toy Review] Zumio S

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Those of you who have been reading my work for some time may recall my Zumio X review from last year. I had extremely high hopes for it as it was touted as The Ultimate Clitoral Toy. Unfortunately, I loved it much less than I hoped and expected to, and ultimately it’s been gathering dust in my toy chest for the last year. However, when Zumio approached me to review their new S model, I was intrigued enough to give it a go.

Zumio S: Details

The Zumio S follows broadly the same model as the Zumio X. It features the trademarked SpiroTIP, a very small head which works not by vibrating, but by spinning very fast in tiny circles. Designed for those who are more sensitive or didn’t enjoy the intensity of the original model, the Zumio S has a silicone-coated tip to dial down the intensity of the original’s hard plastic.

The Zumio S is a rechargeable toy and comes with a little charging cup and USB cable. The full charging time is a frankly ludicrous sixteen hours. The battery life from a full charge is around 4 hours, depending on intensity of use.

This toy is waterproof up to a depth of 0.5 metres. It also features a travel lock and comes with a cap to protect the fragile tip when not in use. It’s a lighter shade of purple than the Zumio X. The overall aesthetic can best be described as a slightly futuristic electric toothbrush.

Pro tip: hold it like a pencil, not like a vibrator.

Zumio S Review: Pros

Let’s begin by saying that my Zumio S hasn’t left my nightstand since I first tested it. After my lacklustre experience with the Zumio X, I really, really like this iteration. The slightly wider and softer silicone-tip solves the “so intense it’s painful” problem, leaving just the glorious kind of pleasurable intensity. This toy can get me off in a couple of minutes if I’m in a hurry.

The Zumio S features 8 levels of intensity and no patterns. It has a simple 3-button interface, with a small on/off button and the up/down power buttons (yes, dual-directional controls!) set in a figure-8 shape just above. The buttons have raised edges, making them easy to feel for without needing to pause to look for them.

For the benefit of fans of the Zumio X, the S is definitely a gentler toy. But “gentler” is also relative and this toy still packs a serious punch. It just doesn’t make me feel like I’m being prodded in the clit with a hard plastic finger, which I can only describe as a positive.

Zumio S Review: Cons

Apart from that ridiculous sixteen hour charging time, I have few negative things to say about the Zumio S.

Though the controls are pretty intuitive, I did find the buttons a little fiddly and not always as responsive as they could be. I sometimes had to press them more than once before the setting changed, which was annoying.

Verdict

If you are a fan of intense and focused clitoral stimulation, get yourself one of these! If, like me, you tried the original Zumio X and found the tip too small or too hard, this new iteration might just surprise you. A couple of small annoyances notwithstanding, Zumio have absolutely knocked it out of the park with this one.

The Zumio S retails for $109.99 and is available from Babeland, Good Vibes, and Sex Toys UK.

Thank you to Zumio for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. As ever, all views are my own. Images are property of Zumio. Affiliate links are contained within this post.

How to use Fetlife header image for a listicle on getting the most out of the kinky networking and kinky dating site

Ten Tips for Getting the Most Out of Fetlife

Published on by Amy7 Comments

Love it or hate it (and honestly, these days I mostly hate it), Fetlife is still the absolute number one place to be on the internet if you’re a kinky person who wants to interact with the BDSM and fetish community outside of your bedroom. The “Facebook of kink” can be a wonderful place to network and grow community, or it can be a complete cesspit. It’s not a dating site, but Fetlife can also be a great place to connect with potential kinky partners. Here are ten of my top tips on how to use Fetlife to its best.

Fill Out Your Profile

It’s hard to use Fetlife to build a community or make connections if your profile isn’t filled out. You don’t need to write an essay, but “I dunno, ask me” or “I hate talking about myself” do not constitute a good profile.

Tell us whatever it is about yourself you’re happy to share. If you’re stuck for ideas, try this:

  • How long have you been in the community or identified as kinky?
  • What does kink mean to you?
  • What do your relationship(s) look like, if applicable?
  • What are you looking for?
  • What are your hobbies and interests outside of kink?

Choose Your Role Carefully

There are tonnes of different role options you can choose from, and you can now list up to five on your profile at a time.

There’s the ubiquitous Dominant, Submissive, and Switch, of course. But you can also be a Kinkster, a Hedonist, a Pet, a Brat or Brat Tamer, a Daddy or Mommy, and many more. The ever-increasing list of roles gets ever more niche as well as including humorous options like “Fairy Kink Mother.”

Choose the role(s) that most apply to you, and consider saying something in your profile about what your identifiers mean to you. Remember you can always change your roles, too, so don’t be afraid to swap things around as you gain experience and change as a kinkster. This is normal.

Consider Your Location

There’s a running joke amongst long-time Fetlife users that there are more kinksters in Antarctica than people. This is because so many Fetlife users put “Antarctica” as their location to avoid revealing where they really live.

If you need to conceal your location, I’m absolutely not judging. Please do what you need to do in order to be safe!

But if you safely can, consider using at least your general area like your country, state, or nearest major city. This makes it easier to connect with people who live near to you and also means you’ll get event recommendations based on your location. (Not many dungeon parties in Antarctica, funnily enough!)

Say What You’re Looking For on Fetlife

In your profile header, you can tick all the “What I’m Looking For” options that apply to you. Options include everything from a lifetime relationship to events, friendship, and more. You can select as many as you want.

Carefully consider what you’re looking for, be honest, and elaborate in your profile if you can. If you say you’re looking for a romantic or kinky partner, it’s particularly important to indicate what sorts of people and dynamics you’re open to.

Don’t Try to Use Fetlife Solely as a Dating App

Fetlife is not primarily a dating site. It’s not a bad place to start if your eventual goal is to find a Dom, sub, or kinky partner, but using it as your personal hunting ground or as an alternative to Tinder or Feeld will piss people off really fast.

If you’re new to BDSM or just to the public kink scene, you need kinky friends before you need dates or play partners. Focus on getting out there, learning, building connections, and making friends. The rest will fall into place.

Read Profiles Before Messaging

I really cannot emphasise this enough: please read someone’s entire profile, and pay attention to it, before messaging them. Nothing is more annoying than people who clearly haven’t read my profile and slide into my inbox pushing their fantasies anyway.

Some people only want to be contacted by folks of certain genders, ages, geographical locations, or kink identities. Some are open to dating or meeting play partners on Fetlife, others are not. Respect these boundaries; you are not the exception.

Message Respectfully

So you’ve read someone’s profile. They’ve sparked your interest enough that you want to make a connection. You’ve established that messaging them won’t contravene any stated boundaries. Now what?

The first message can make or break things. Don’t open with sexual content. Yes, it’s a fetish site, but there are human beings on the other end of your message and they have better things to do than provide you with free masturbation fodder.

Don’t make demands, don’t make assumptions about roles or identities, and don’t assert a kinky dynamic where none exists. Subs, this applies to you, too! Calling someone “Mistress” or “Daddy” without consent is just as wrong as calling someone “slave” or “slut” without consent.

Do at least a cursory check of your spelling and grammar. Keep it brief. Don’t ask to meet straight away. Just be a friendly, normal, respectful person.

Join Fetlife Groups (But Read the Rules)

There are literally thousands of groups on Fetlife. Groups operate as discussion forums based around specific topics.

Many are for those interested in specific kinks or fetishes. Some are for people looking for dating opportunities on Fetlife. Others are based around a specific geographical location or a specific event. Some are for folks with a certain identity, such as queer and trans kinksters. There are even non-kinky groups where you can just discuss a topic of mutual interest. Pick a few interests, join some groups, and start engaging positively in discussions.

All groups have rules governing the kind of content that is allowed in them. Many, for example, will specify “no personal ads” (cruising for dates/play) or “no advertising” (commercial/business content or advertising your event,.) Some are also reserved for a certain demographic, such as under 35s, women, or LGBTQ folks.

Disregarding group rules is likely to get your posts deleted and may even get you kicked or banned from groups. It also wastes moderators’ time, annoys group members, and makes you look like an asshole. Read the rules and follow them. If someone corrects you for an accidental rule breach you made in good faith, apologise and don’t repeat the mistake.

The Kinky and Popular page highlights posts, photos, videos and writings which have garnered a lot of attention in a short space of time. No-one is 100% clear how the algorithm works (Fetlife isn’t exactly famed for its transparency) but that’s the gist of it.

The problem with K&P is that it tends to adhere to a very narrow version of what kink is and an even narrower version of beauty standards, particularly for women. I avoid K&P entirely now because it makes me feel shitty about myself and my body.

Kink isn’t a popularity contest and in my view, this page is the antithesis of what the community is really about.

Reach Out to Community Leaders and Prominent Figures

If you’re struggling to make connections or feeling nervous about going along to events, reach out to someone who seems like they’re a leader, event organiser, or prominent and respected person in your local community. Simply explain that you’re new, let them know what you’ve done so far to get involved with the scene (if anything), and ask if they’d be willing to be a friendly face at an upcoming munch or event.

Community leaders become community leaders because they love helping people and helping the scene to thrive. Reach out. Be polite and friendly, be respectful of their time, and be specific if you can in what you’re asking and you’re far more likely to get a good response.

Header image for Womanizer Starlet review

[Toy Review] Womanizer Starlet 2

Published on by Amy2 Comments

I recently addressed the question of whether or not I think all suction-based clitoral stimulators are basically variations on the same theme. The conclusion I came to was “kind of but also no.” The sensation provided by these toys is somewhat similar across models and even across brands, but unique design features can really make or break specific products. This week, I received the Womanizer Starlet 2 to review.

Starlet 2: Details

After the high-end presentation, premium features, and eyewatering price tags that defined products like the Womanizer Premium and Duo, the Starlet 2 is a simpler product. More aimed at the everyday consumer, it retails for £69.99/$79.

The Womanizer Starlet is a petite toy, measuring 5″ in total length and with very little weight to it. I have small hands and still would have preferred the body of the toy to be slightly longer for ease of use, so bear that in mind if you’re a person with big hands. However, for those who find holding larger or heavier toys difficult, the compact nature of this model could be an advantage for you.

The Womanizer Starlet 2 sex toy in coral resting on a white sheet

The Womanizer Starlet 2 is made of hard ABS plastic with a silicone nozzle. It is USB rechargeable and fully waterproof. It comes in two colours: a pinkish-orange called “coral”, and a deep blue.

What I Liked About This Toy

I’m casting around for good things to say about this product, because my overall impression of it (spoiler alert) was “meh.”

There are only four settings, but for most people that’s probably enough. For contrast, the Womanizer Classic and its variations have 8-10 speeds, and the Premium has a massive 12. They allow for a steady increase in intensity. I also very much appreciate that there are dual directional, up-and-down speed controls. The buttons are sensibly located and easy to press, though I wish the minus button was a little bigger.

The silicone nozzle is removable, which makes the toy easy to clean.

Womanizer Starlet 2 Review: What I Disliked

Unfortunately, things started to go downhill for me pretty fast when I began testing the Womanizer Starlet 2.

Due to the shape and how little the nozzle prodrudes from the body of the toy, I found it almost impossible to get the right angle or a good seal against my clit. I tried holding the toy in multiple different ways, but all of them either left a significant gap between part of the nozzle and my body or required contorting my hand or arm in uncomfortable ways. A longer handle and a more pronounced nozzle would go a long way to mitigating this issue.

The Womanizer Starlet 2 sex toy in coral on a white sheet

I really noticed the Womanizer Starlet 2’s relative lack of power at the higher settings, compared to other suction toys. I tried this toy three times, and was not able to orgasm with it on any occasion despite plenty of perseverence.

Finally, the battery life is inexcusably bad. You only get 30 minutes runtime. While a full charge also only takes 30 minutes, half an hour isn’t even long enough for many people with vulvas to reach orgasm.

Verdict: Is the Starlet 2 a Rising Star?

This one’s a miss. I was hopeful about the Starlet 2, but I was left thoroughly unimpressed and doubt I’ll be using it again.

The Womanizer Starlet 2 is available from retailers such as Lovehoney US, Womanizer North America, and Womanizer Europe.

Thanks to Womanizer for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. All views are my own and images are by me. Please use the affiliate links within this post if you want to make a purchase; commission helps to keep this site going!

Header image for a review of the Womanizer/Lovehoney Pro40

[Toy Review] Womanizer x Lovehoney Pro40 Clitoral Stimulator

Published on by Amy

After the Premium turned me into a Womanizer convert, I was excited to review another clitoral suction stimulator from the manufacturer that started the craze: the Womanizer Pro40, produced in partnership with Lovehoney.

Womanizer Pro40: Details

The Womanizer x Lovehoney Pro40 utilizes Womanizer’s signature Pleasure Air technology, which stimulates the clitoris via rapid pulses of air through a nozzle. These types of clitoral stimulators can be a godsend for those who get easily overstimulated for find that buzzy vibrators tend to numb them out. (They do not, however, feel like receiving cunnilingus. Whatever the hype says, I will die on this hill: it’s marketing fluff and it’s not true.)

The Womanizer Pro40 black and rose gold clitoral suction toy in my hand on the background of a white bedsheet.

The Pro40 is fully waterproof and rechargeable via the included USB cable. It measures 6.5″ in length and is comfortable and light to hold.

The Pro40 has an ABS plastic body and removable silicone nozzles. The colour scheme is a pretty mix of black and the ever-trendy rose-gold. The presentation and packaging lacks some of the high-end luxury vibe you get with some Womanizer products, but I just can’t bring myself to care that much about packaging. It’s all getting slung in the recycling anyway.

Womanizer Pro40 Review: Pros

I’ll be honest: a lot of the time I’ll try a suction toy, review it, and then either pass it off to a friend or shove it in a drawer and forget I have it. I fucking love this one, though. I’ve been reaching for it again and again lately, long after all the necessary testing sessions for this review were complete. It’s just really, really good.

I’ve been wondering, as I try more suction toys, whether they’re all broadly the same. The answer is “superfically kinda but also not really.” The basic sensation you get from each one is similar, but I’ve tried enough at this point to start noticing more of the nuances and benefits of each one. There are two things that really set the Womanizer Pro40 apart from similar toys I’ve reviewed for me:

First, the suction is what I can only describe as “smooth.” It feels like it’s caressing my clit rather than the aggressive almost tapping-like sensation you can get from lower quality suction toys. Secondly, the shape of the nozzle is excellent. It sticks out a good distance from the body of the toy, making it much easier to angle it effectively against my clit.

I like that the nozzles are removeable as this makes cleaning your toy between uses a breeze. The buttons are sensibly located and easy to press. The Womanizer Pro40 even has something I seem to bang on about in every review: dual-directional speed controls.

Finally, the battery life is great. I’ve had over 3 hours use out of a single charge.

The Womanizer Pro40 black and rose gold clitoral suction toy lying on a white bedsheet.

Cons

The Womanizer Pro40 only has six levels of intensity, which wasn’t a big deal for me but I’m including it in the review because it might be a downside for some folks.

The Womanizer Pro40 black and rose gold clitoral suction toy lying on a white bedsheet.

It’s also pretty loud, especially when you turn it up to full power. So you’ll want to bear that in mind if discretion is important to you.

Womanizer Pro40 Review: Verdict

I adore this toy! I was so surprised by how good it it and how well it stacks up against more expensive models. Fully endorsed.

At £99.99 ($119/99 US), the Womanizer Pro40 is on the pricier end but still more wallet-friendly than the pricier Classic, Duo, and Premium models.

Buy the Womanizer Pro40 from Lovehoney US or Lovehoney UK.

Thank you to Lovehoney for sending me the Womanizer Pro40 in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are, as ever, my own. Affiliate links are used within this post and send a small commission my way if you make a purchase.

A man with his head in his hands. For a guest post by Ruby Bell on anxiety and panic attacks during sex

[Guest Post] Anxiety and Sex: How Panic Attacks During Sex Led to Me Getting the Help I Needed by Ruby Bell

Published on by Amy

I knew I wanted Ruby Bell (she/her) to guest blog for me the moment I read one of her several brilliant guest posts for Girl on the Net. Thankfully, she agreed and pitched me this fabulous piece all about anxiety and panic attacks during sex.

Amy x

Anxiety and Sex: How Panic Attacks During Sex Led to Me Getting the Help I Needed by Ruby Bell

My partner has me against the wall. He has me blindfolded and he’s using a very powerful vibrator on my clitoris. These are some of my absolute favourite things… so why am I moments away from having a full-on panic attack? 

Living with anxiety isn’t easy, but it is something we all know a lot more about these days. It’s brilliant that people are talking more about mental health. As a result, many of us are feeling a little less intimidated about sharing our true thoughts and feelings with those we love. Despite all of this progress, it doesn’t make having panic attacks any easier. Having panic attacks during sex is a part of anxiety not many people talk about. It’s certainly not something I ever expected to have to deal with. 

So, let’s talk about some of the science behind the madness of our minds. The release of oxytocin during sex magnifies emotions as well as promoting trust and empathy with your partner. This suggests that it can encourage a release of feelings that may have nothing to do with what is actually going on in that moment. Maybe you’ve had an argument with your mum recently. Maybe you’ve had a fucking awful week at work or maybe your mental health has just generally been suffering lately. Now you’re in this safe place with the person you trust the most, and all of these things are coming out. It’s quite common for some people to cry during sex, and this can easily go from a few tears to a panic attack if you suffer with anxiety or depression as well. 

The first time I had a panic attack during sex was only the second or third panic attack I’d ever had.

This meant I hadn’t yet learnt how to spot the signs of an attack rising or how to calm myself down and prevent it from getting any worse. I barely even knew what a panic attack was! This ended up with me having a pretty out of control, I-can’t-breathe, sobbing-my-heart-out kind of panic attack in front of my (still pretty new at the time) partner… who is standing there enjoying edging me, watching me writhe and squirm with a thick hard cock as he does. 

Fortunately, he dealt with the situation even better than I ever could have asked for. He turned the vibrator off, he removed my blindfold, and when I replaced it with my hands to try and hide my embarrassment he pulled me close to him and held me against his chest. He asked if he had done anything wrong. I sobbed that he hadn’t. I was enjoying it and I didn’t know why this was happening which actually panicked me even more. He told me it was fine. He told me to breathe and he walked me around the house reminding me to keep breathing.

At the time, I thought it was strange and a little comical that two semi-turned-on people were walking around the house together, completely naked for no apparent reason as my face dripped with tears and mascara and my chest heaved with heavy, struggling breaths. I know now that the walking helped to ground me. It helped distract from the panic as well as allowing me to feel close to and loved by my partner. 

I’m lucky. Now that I have worked on my mental health and my panic attacks in particular, if one does start to rise in me I know how to calm myself down. I can reign it in before the main symptoms begin around 90% of the time. But having panic attacks during sex did two wonderful things for me – although I didn’t know there was anything wonderful about it at the time of course.

First of all, it changed the dynamic of my relationship completely.

Up until the point of that first attack, my partner and I were still holding back things during sex. I was being careful not to come across as overly emotional or “crazy.” Looking back, it was probably the reason that first attack happened. I hadn’t been honest with my partner about the feelings I was having in our relationship. And I was hiding who I really was, which is never a good thing.

This panic attack during sex led to me and my partner connecting emotionally on a whole new level. I learned that my partner was not just the tough guy exterior that came across. Showing my own vulnerability and opening up to him allowed him to do the same with me. This led to us having a much stronger relationship in the long run. I now know I can talk to my partner if I’m feeling anxious, depressed, panicked or anything else. I can tell him if I don’t even know what’s causing those feelings and we can deal with it together.

The second thing that first attack during sex did for me was make it clear I did have a problem that needed to be addressed. Up until that point I had struggled with anxiety for years without ever really facing it. I had several extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms which were in fact making things worse. Having my partner walk me around and remind me to breathe led me to learning how to deal with these feelings effectively. From that experience, I learned coping techniques that I still use today. Having that outburst in front of another person meant I had to face what was going on. It meant someone else could see that actually I wasn’t okay, I wasn’t coping. This led to me getting the help and support I so badly needed. It also helped me to work on communication about my mental health overall. 

I hope that anyone else dealing with anxiety or panic attacks during sex – or at any other time – takes it as a sign that they need to deal with the emotions causing these attacks. Listen to the fact that your body has felt comfortable enough to open up fully in front of the person you are making love with. I think we all need to listen more to what our bodies and emotions are telling us. And perhaps if we take the time to stop and listen to ourselves, then there is a good chance things won’t ever need to get as far as a panic attack.

About the Writer

Ruby Bell writes erotica and is passionate about sharing her filthy sexual experiences and fantasies. Her sex-positive writing also includes mental health content, self-care, and educational pieces. She wants to spread both arousal and information! She loves BDSM, chubby women and growing her own herbs and spices.

Header image for a post on the kinky love languages and words of affirmation

The Kinky Love Languages: Words of Affirmation

Published on by Amy

This is the first in a mini-series of posts where I explore the five love languages as they can relate to kink and BDSM, and today we’re talking sweet yet kinky things to say to a Dominant or submissive whose love language is words of affirmation.

If you don’t know your main love language, take the quiz to find out. The model is imperfect, in that it assumes monogamy and offers quite a limited framework for relationships, but it’s a useful starting point for exploring how you like to give and receive love. Most of us will connect with most or all of the languages to some extent, but have one or two that stand out.

What is the Words of Affirmation Love Language?

People whose primary love language is words of affirmation like to hear that you love and value them. They like to be told explicitly, out loud, and in detail not only that you love them, but why. Of course, you will also need to back up your words with actions.

Let’s look at some of the things you can say to a kinky partner who has this love language.

Kinky Things to Say to a Submissive Who Loves Words of Affirmation

Do the words “good girl,” “good boy,” or equivalent make your submissive partner melt? Will they do anything for your praise? If so, their love language might be words of affirmation. Be generous with your words, be free with your praise, and never assume they know how I feel so I don’t need to say it. They might know how you feel, but they still want to hear it.

Tell them “I’m so proud of you” when they accomplish something. Say “you look so hot kneeling for me like that” during a scene. Compliments (on their achievements, talents, character, accomplishments, looks) should be given freely and often.

A submissive who needs words of affirmation is likely to need verbal reassurance sometimes, too. They might need to hear that you love them, that you value them, and that they’re not too much or too needy. If you’re in a non-monogamous dynamic, they’re likely to need verbal reassurance if they experience jealousy.

Writing tasks were made for submissives with this love language. Have your partner write down fantasies, reflect on your dynamic in a daily journal, or write down mantras to increase their confidence in themselves. You could even set “lines” as a punishment, if that’s a part of your relationship.

Make sure everything you say is genuine and heartfelt. A person who speaks this love language can tell when you’re parroting lines with no feeling behind them.

Kinky Things to Say to a Dominant Who Loves Words of Affirmation

People tend to forget that Dominants have emotional needs, too. Praise kinks are most often associated with submissives, but a Dom is just as likely as a sub to speak the words of affirmation love language.

A Dominant who is into words of affirmation might love to hear lots of verbal feedback during and after play. Don’t go overboard or fake it, but a well-timed “that feels so good” or “this is making me so hard/wet” is likely to go over well. After play, general words of appreciation (“I needed that so much, thank you”) or specific compliments (“the way you handle the whip is so sexy”) can make them glow.

It’s amazing how many submissives forget this: compliment your Dom! Tell her the way she looks in those boots makes you go weak at the knees. Make sure they know how much you admire their skills with rope. Tell them you love their laugh, their kindness, their devotion to their family, or their quirky sense of humour. Just pick something genuine and say it out loud.

However confident and stoic they seem, Doms can also feel insecure, jealous, sad, or lonely. Check in with your partner regularly as a fellow human being who cares about them. Remind them they’re loved, learn about their needs, and let them be vulnerable with you.

Finally, if your D-type sets you a writing task, do it promptly and to the best of your ability.

Words of Affirmation: Tips That Work For Anyone

It’s fun to say hot and kinky things to your partner, but remember to speak this language in other ways, too. Remind them of your confidence, faith, and pride in them. Build them up before an important event, celebrate their achievements, and help to lift their spirits when they’re down.

Don’t underestimate the power of written words, too. If you live apart (or even if you don’t!), a sweet “good morning” text or a message to say you’re thinking about them could make their whole day. Love letters, cute notes left around the house or slipped into their bag, and heartfelt cards on special occasions will be cherished.

Sexting was made for relationships between people who communicate their love in words. Share a fantasy, tell your partner about a sexy dream you had, or spin an elaborate scene together.

Most importantly, say “I love you.” Seriously. Say it often and say it with your entire heart. No-one who speaks the “words of affirmation” language will get tired of hearing it.

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Young woman wearing a pink BDSM collar and pink leather handcuffs

11 Things a Collar Can Mean (But Doesn’t Have To)

Published on by Amy

What is the meaning of a collar in BDSM? Ask ten BDSM enthusiasts what collaring means to them and you’ll get 20 different answers. Not all kinksters use collars in their play or D/s relationships. Amongst those who do, they can have vastly different meanings depending on context and the people involved.

A simple band around the neck can take on many different significances and be worn in many different ways. As with anything in BDSM, Here are some I thought of, though I am sure there are many more.

A Lifetime Commitment: Collaring as a BDSM Marriage

Some kinksters view their collar as akin to a wedding ring. They may or may not also be legally married to their partner, and they may or may not also wear a traditional wedding ring, but they view their collar as the outward symbol of their lifetime commitment to a BDSM relationship.

Some couples choose to formalise their collaring with a ceremony. This can be performed privately or in front of friends and loved ones.

BDSM Collar Meaning: Permanent Ownership

Some people use “owner/property” dynamics as part of their kinky relationships. In these contexts, the submissive may wear a collar as a symbol that they are the property of their partner. Some couples choose a permanent collar that cannot be removed without a key. If you go down this route, always make sure the wearer has a spare in case of an emergency.

BDSM Collar Meaning: Temporary Ownership

Not all kinksters want to be in a 24/7 or lifetime BDSM relationship, but still want to go deeply into a Dominant or submissive headspace. For these people, a collar can serve as a sign of temporary ownership, whether for the length of a scene, a day, a weekend, or longer. However, when the collar comes off or the context changes, the ownership dynamic also ends or transitions back into an equal partnership.

Self-Collaring: A BDSM Collar Meaning “I Belong to Me”

I have a collar I bought for myself. When I wear it, it’s a reminder that I am owned by no-one but myself. My body, my choices, and my heart are mine. I might choose to give them away to trusted people for short amounts of time, but they always come back to me at the end. Self-collaring can be a reminder to be true to yourself, a way to access your submissive identity when you don’t have a dominant, a reminder to take care of yourself, and so much more.

Keeping a Connection and Closeness Alive with a Collar

Perhaps you’re in a long-distance or non-nesting relationship. Maybe you just want to feel close to your partner and keep your D/s dynamic alive when you’re not physically together. Regardless of your circumstances, wearing a collar can be a great way to do this. Many couples choose a day collar for this purpose, which can symbolise your relationship without raising any eyebrows in public.

Collars of Consideration or Training

Some people who practice formal BDSM relationships follow a series of steps leading up to permanent collaring. During this process, the submissive may wear a “training collar” or “collar of consideration” for a period of time before receiving their permanent collar. As with anything in a BDSM dynamic, negotiate the meaning of each collar clearly with your partner at every step of the process.

Collars as a Way of Getting Into a Headspace

Whatever your kinky headspace looks like, putting a collar on your submissive partner or having one put on you can be a “shortcut” to accessing that headspace. For people who play at events or parties, putting on the collar at the start of the night is often part of the getting-ready ritual.

Collars Signalling “Leave Me Alone, I’m Taken”

This isn’t foolproof, but I’ve found that if I’m attending a kink event unpartnered and I don’t want to be hit on, wearing a collar will significantly cut down on the unwanted attention I receive.

Because BDSM collars can have so many different meanings and not everyone is monogamous, people won’t necessarily assume that your collar means you’re unavailable. But at least some likely will. Think of it as the kinky equivalent of flashing a wedding ring when the creepy guy at the bar isn’t getting the hint.

No Deep Meaning: A Collar as a BDSM Tool

For some people, a collar is part of a scene that’s there for what it can do rather than what it means. This might mean attaching a leash to lead your submissive around a party, cuffing their hands to their collar to immobilise them, or using it to tug them in for a kiss.

Collars as Decorations or Fashion Accessories

Collars look pretty and can add a kinky twist to an outfit quickly and easily. I have one I love that was sent to me for review. It has no meaning attached to it and isn’t connected to any particular relationship. I wear it because I like how it looks.

Flagging Kinky in Public

The idea of flagging originates from the “hanky code”, which was pioneered by gay and bisexual men in the 1970s. Coloured handkerchiefs placed in certain positions are used to indicate interest in various sexual roles and practices. Flagging has come to refer more broadly to using outward symbols to subtly indicate your proclivities to other interested parties.

There are many spaces where, though they’re not kink-specific events, a lot of the participants will likely be kinky. Think adults’ LGBTQ+ community events, goth clubs, geek and sci-fi events, Renaissance Fairs, and so on. In these spaces, the meaning of a BDSM collar can be “hey, we have this thing in common!”. You might even make some new friends.

The Taboo Brighton Logo

This post was sponsored by Taboo Brighton. Taboo launched in 2003 and has established itself as a genre-defining Brighton retail experience. The store was awarded “Best Sex Shop in the UK” at the Erotic Trade Awards. It was also once described in The Guardian as the “Dolce and Gabbana of Sex Shops”. All views and writing are mine.

Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine vibrator on a light yellow background

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine

Published on by Amy

I, along with many other sex bloggers, recently received a package of seven sex toys from Satisfyer which included the Yummy Sunshine vibrator, This brand, known primarily for suction-based toys, is now making vibrators too. I gave most of them away to friends, but decided to keep and try out this one: the Yummy Sunshine.

Unfortunately, I have to acknowledge that many of the new Satisfyer products are pretty blatant rip-offs of Fun Factory designs, right down to the loop handles. This happens a lot in the sex toy industry (and Satisfyer is plenty guilty of it, having started life riding on the suction toy coat-tails of Womanizer,) but that doesn’t make it acceptable. So I’m immediately predisposed to dislike this toy from that perspective.

Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine: Details

The Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine vibrator on a white sheet

The Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine is made of bright yellow silicone with a plastic handle. Sex toys aimed at people with vulvas tend to come in a small range of colours, with pink, purple, and red reigning. There’s nothing wrong with any of these shades, of course, but it’s nice to see something a little different. One of the reasons I gravitated to the Yummy Sunshine was simply that I’ve rarely seen a yellow sex toy.

The Yummy Sunshine is an internal vibrator measuring 8.75″ in total length, 6″ in insertable length, and 1.5″ in diameter at the widest point. Given the size, it’s pretty lightweight. It has a lightly ribbed shaft and a gentle curve.

The Yummy Sunshine vibrator on a black pillow

This toy is USB rechargeable via a magnetic charging pin. It’s also waterproof.

In Use

The Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine has 6 speeds, 6 patterns, and a straightforward three-button interface. Though the buttons are well-placed and easy to press, the lower button is the “up” setting and the upper button is the “down” setting for some reason, which is completely counter-intuitive. When it comes to holding this toy, I like the loop handle but someone with larger hands might find it more difficult to use as the loop is pretty small.

The control panel on the Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine vibrator

In use, my overwhelming impression of this toy was “blah.” It’s fine but I’d be unlikely to reach for it by preference.

The vibrations are mediocre, neither rumbly nor powerful enough to be impressive. I can orgasm with the Yummy Sunshine if I set my mind to it, but it’s one of those toys where the orgasm almost feels like more trouble than it was worth.

I will say that I like this toy’s shape and texture. The curve is just right for targeted G-spot stimulation. The soft silicone has a nice flexibility that allows for comfortable positioning. I also like using the ridges and ripples along the shaft externally on my vulva and clit.

Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine: Verdict

I didn’t hate this toy so much I wanted to throw it across the room, but I was left with the overwhelming impression of something that’s just barely okay. It gets the job done, just about, but there’s nothing great or special about it. Again, it’s also a blatantly stolen design and nowhere near as good as the Fun Factory products it mimics. Overall, you can do better for your money.

You can purchase the Yummy Sunshine for $49.99 from SheVibe or £63 from Sex Toys UK.

Thanks to Satisfyer for sending me a shipment of toys including the Yummy Sunshine for review. All view are my own. Pics are by me. Affiliate links are used within this post.

Header image for Godemiche Offbeat review featuring abstract gold burst

[Toy Review] Godemiche Offbeat

Published on by Amy

I’ve been sitting on this one for a long damn time, in part because it took us so long to get to actually testing this toy. But after giving it a second trial run, I am ready to tell you all about the Offbeat silicone masturbator (stroker) from Godemiche.

Godemiche, a UK-based retailer run by husband-and-wife duo Adam and Monika, has been making gorgeous, hand-poured silicone dildos for a number of years now. They’ve now branched out into penis toys as well. (And yes, their marketing copy refers to the Offbeat as a toy for the penis, not the less inclusive but more common “toy for men.”)

What is the Offbeat Silicone Masturbator?

Outside of Godemiche silicone masturbator

The OffBeat is a tube-shaped penis masturbator made of silicone. It is available in five different internal textures. We received “Bumps”, which Godemiche describes as “a balanced texture that’s not too intense, not too light – perfect for first-timers.” The outside has a gentle ripple texture, and the company name is stamped along the rim at the bottom.

Each OffBeat comes in its own little storage tub which looks like a miniature poster tube. This useful addition makes for easy and hygienic storage and travel.

Godemiche Offbeat storage tube

Unfortunately, most of the penis strokers and masturbators on the market are still made of porous and sometimes toxic materials such as jelly, rubber, PVC, TPE/TPR, and the notoriously vague “Realistic Feel.” So I can’t say enough how good it is to see a body-safe silicone stroker at an affordable price (especially when you consider how long it should last!)

Sizes and Colours and Customisation Galore

The OffBeat silicone masturbator: “Grande” (short) is 2″ in length, and “Venti” (full-length) is 4″. Both sizes are 1.1″ in diameter and stretchy. The Grande is ideal for those who prefer concentrated stimulation around the head of the penis, while the Venti is best for whose who enjoy having their entire shaft stimulated. The Grande is also a great companion to oral sex! If you’re looking for something that feels more akin to penetrative sex, choose the Venti.

We received the longer Grande version to try out.

The Godemiche Offbeat silicone masturbator on the side of a bath, around a purple dildo
The Godemiche Offbeat silicone masturbator on a purple dildo sticking to some black bathroom wall tiles

The OffBeat, like Godemiche’s dildos, is available in numerous colours. Ours is pearlescent gold and it’s absolutely beautiful. You can choose Godemiche Purple or a surprise colourway at no extra cost, or pay £10 more to select your own colour from the 32 (at time of writing) on offer.

Offbeat Silicone Stroker: In Use

I obviously don’t have a penis, so I turned to my trusty stunt-cock Mr C&K to help me out with this one and asked him to report back.

Apparently, the bobbles on the inside of the toy provided a good amount of friction and sensation without needing to grip very hard at all. This may make it a good choice for people who suffer from hand or wrist pain when masturbating or giving hand sex to a partner. The gentle ripple shape of the outside of the sleeve also means it sits comfortably in the hand, a finger in each dip.

Inside of Godemiche silicone masturbator

Mr C&K also said that one of the things he likes about this toy is that it is so simple, but really makes masturbation feel substantially different from usual. He likened it to the difference between masturbating with your dominant vs non-dominant hand, or the difference between touching yourself and someone else stroking you. Basically, if you’re looking to change up your usual masturbation routine for any reason, grab yourself one of these!

The Offbeat silicone masturbator is stretchy, allowing for most users to enjoy it regardless of penis size and then “hugging” the cock once it’s inserted. For maximum comfort and pleasure, I recommend adding water-based lube to both your penis and the inside of the toy.

The Offbeat can be a little bit of a faff to clean due to all the little ridges and bobbles. I suggest turning it inside out before boil-sterilising it every few uses or before sharing it with a partner. In between uses, a good wash with some hot water and gentle antibacterial soap should do the trick.

Offbeat Silicone Masturbator: Verdict

Mr C&K and I both really like this toy! It’s simple, effective, body-safe, affordable, and should suit a wide range of bodies. We might just go and get all five textures, honestly!

The OffBeat retails for prices starting from £29.99 (Grande) and £35.99 (Venti) from Godemiche.

Thanks to Godemiche for sending us the OffBeat silicone stroker in exchange for an honest review. All views are my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.