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[Toy Review] Godemiche Grind Pads

Published on by Amy

I’m a big fan of Godemiche’s Grind Rings, deceptively simple yet utterly ingenious (and surprisingly versatile) sex toys. Originally designed with clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex in mind, they can be used in a huge array of different ways. Godemiche has now added these strap-down Grind Pad variations to their grinder range as an alternative to the original wearable version.

Godemiche Grind Ring and Godemiche Grind Pad

Godemiche sent me four Grind Pads to try.

What Makes the Godemiche Grind Pad Different?

Godemiche’s Grinding Pad is a rectangular, non-wearable variation on the Grind Ring theme. Instead of a hole to make it wearable, each pad come with adjustable straps (available in a range of colours). This means they can be attached to a surface, whether that’s a partner’s thigh, a pillow, the arm of a chair… or whatever other options you can dream up.

The Godemiche Grind Pad is currently available in the Bubbles, Spikes, and Tall Waves basic textures as well as three dual texture versions. It’s also worth mentioning that these toys are made in the “High Grind” style, meaning that their mounds are more raised and pronounced.

All Godemiche clit grinders are made from body-safe silicone. Highly textured grinders can be a bit of a pain to clean, so I recommend using the boiling method to ensure they’re properly sterilised.

Grind Ring, Grind Pad, or Vibe Pad?

Godemiche dual texture clit grinder collection

With an expanding range of clitoral grinders, let’s do a quick breakdown of Godemiche’s main grinder categories:

  • Grind Rings have a hole for a penis or dildo to fit through, making them ideal for use during partnered penetrative sex
  • Grind Pads don’t have the hole but instead come with straps so that you can attach them to a surface such as a piece of furniture, toy mount, or partner’s leg
  • Vibe Pads are shaped like Grind Pads and also come with straps, but have a space in the back to add a bullet vibrator

Soft or Firm?

The Grind Pads and Vibe Pads are available in two choices of firmness level: soft or firm. I selected two “soft” toys and one “firm” toy to allow me to try both.

This choice is all about how much intensity you like. To understand your preferences here, think about other toys you’ve used, or how you masturbate. Do you tend to press toys firmly against your vulva or apply a lot of pressure with your hand? If so, choose a firmer toy. If you use a softer or lighter touch, on the other hand, choose the soft option.

I prefer the firmer toys overall, as I tend to like a higher level of pressure.

Godemiche Grind Pad: “Bubbles”

Godemiche Grind Pad

The higher mound of the Bubbles Grind Pad provides targeted clitoral stimulation and a firm yet squishy surface to grind down on. This texture is one of the gentler options in Godemiche’s range, offering a smooth and gliding (especially when coupled with a little lube) yet bouncy sensation.

This is one that really benefits from the Medium firmness instead of the standard Extra Soft silicone.

Godemiche Dual Texture Grind Pad: “Bubbles & Suckers”

Godemiche Bubbles and Suckers clit grinder

This Grind Pad combines the Bubbles texture from the original range with Godemiche’s brand-new Suckers texture. The suckers are inspired by tentacles and similar to one of the textures in the Offbeat masturbator range.

As you grind against this one, the suckers provide a gentle tugging, almost kissing sensation. The suckers are spaced out in a V shape, providing a spread of sensation across the entire vulva. I particularly love the three suckers in the middle, which are perfectly positioned to hit my clit every time I move over it.

In my experience at least, this one provides the gentlest sensation of the three dual texture Grind Pads. I requested it in soft and in hindsight, I think I should probably have gone for the medium firmness. I enjoy it, but it’s sometimes not quite… enough?

Godemiche Dual Texture Grind Pad: “Ridges and Bumps”

Godemiche Ridges and Bumps clit grinder

This one combines the Ridges (one of my all-time faves from Godemiche’s clit grinder textures!) with lots of tiny little bumps between the ridges.

You get the constant back-and-forth rubbing sensation of the ridges, combined with the additional all-over stimulation of the bumps. My initial instinct with this one was to grind against it hard, but actually I find that a little less pressure works best here. Easing off the pressure a little bit means that I feel the bumps much more.

Again, I requested this one in soft and I think firm might have been the preferable option. It’s a great combination of textures, but I really wanted to feel the bumps a little more than I did. It might also help if they were just very slightly larger.

Godemiche Dual Texture Grind Pad: “Bubbles and Bumps”

Godemiche Bubbles and Bumps clit grinder

I’ve saved the best for last here. This is my favourite dual texture of the three, and has quickly become one of my most-used grinders. (I recently had a major sort-out of my toy collection and realised I own more than 20 grinders, so this is high praise!)

With this one, you get the bouncy sensation of the large bubbles, with the addition of dozens of little raised bumps flicking across your vulva and clit every time you move. Depending on how much pressure I apply against it, I can get either a teasing flicker or a hard, consistent rubbing sensation.

The firmer silicone option I chose makes this one, I think. The little bit of extra firmness really allows the bumps to come into their own.

Verdict

Anyone surprised to hear Godemiche have knocked it out of the park once again? These Grind Pads are a fantastic addition to the clit grinder range, particularly the dual texture versions. They offer yet another array of interesting, unusual, and incredibly pleasurable sensations to explore.

I’ll never get enough of these toys, or of yelling about how fucking brilliant I think they are. This is a great option when you want to use your grinding toys in ways that aren’t penetrative sex.

Single texture Grind Pad prices start from £44.99. Firmer silicone, custom colourways, and longer straps all bump up the cost. Dual texture Grind Pads start from £49.99.

Thanks to Godemiche for sending me these products to review. Affiliate links appear in this post. All views, as ever, are mine.

Pink background with speech bubble saying "where can I buy a realistic sex doll?" Post sponsored by BestRealDoll

Where Can I Find a Realistic Sex Doll?

Published on by Amy

Readers and workshop participants, particularly cis men, ask me a lot about where to buy a realistic sex doll. There has seemingly been a huge increase in the popularity of sex dolls recently, perhaps simply due to their greater availability from retailers such as BestRealDoll. (Isn’t the internet great?) The idea of a realistic sex doll appeals to a great number of people for many different reasons. But where can you find one… and why might you want to?

What Are Realistic Sex Dolls?

Realistic sex doll with blonde hair wearing a blue low cut dress

A sex doll is simply an inanimate object, usually made of a material such as silicone or TPE, designed to resemble a human body (or part of one) and to be used for sexual purposes. Fundamentally, they’re nothing more or less than a type of sex toy.

Realistic sex dolls are available in all kinds of designs. The most common are designed to resemble cis female bodies. However, there are also sex dolls modelled after cis male or trans bodies.

“Realistic”, of course, is relative. No doll is going to 100% resemble a human partner. However, some dolls have that “uncanny valley” creepiness about them while others are much more lifelike.

It is important to note that sex dolls are often exaggerations or charicatures rather than realistic representations. They may emphasise particular features (such as large breasts or penises, tiny waists, or round butts) in a way that is not entirely in line with how real human bodies tend to look.

At least anecdotally, cis men are by far the most likely demographic to own a realistic sex doll. But people of all genders can and do own and use them.

Sex Dolls Are Controversial

Let’s clear one thing up: there is absolutely, positively no such thing as a sex doll that is sentient in any way. Despite the moral panics about AI sex robots that pop up every now and then, they are still largely the stuff of science fiction and experts believe they will never be commonplace.

Even so, a realistic sex doll – one made to look like a human – seems to stir up strong emotions for some in a way that other types of sex toys do not. Some believe that they are a threat to human partners and could potentially replace them. Others feel as though they could lead to abuse, violence, or dehumanisation against human partners.

I do not believe any of this. I also do not believe that there is any inherent ethical problem with using a sex doll, realistic or otherwise. They’re no different from a dildo, vibrator, stroker, or other sex toy. I’d need to see some serious, hard evidence to be convinced that there’s anything even remotely inherently harmful about them.

What Are Some Things You Can Do With a Realistic Sex Doll?

The most obvious reason to buy a realistic sex doll, of course, is to masturbate with a toy that looks and feels somewhat like having sex with a human partner. But beyond this, there are so many different ways to enjoy your sex doll. Here are just a few you might want to consider:

  • Live out fantasies around particular sex acts or having sex with a person with specific physical attributes
  • Try out new techniques that you might want to bring into the bedroom with your human partner(s)
  • Experiment with threesome, group sex, or same-gender fantasies without the emotional risk involved in bringing in other human partners
  • Play with kink scenarios such as cockolding, cuckqueaning, exhibitionism, and voyeurism

To me, the much more interesting question is: what would you like to do with a realistic sex doll? What about this type of toy appeals to you specifically?

So Where Can I Buy a Realistic Sex Doll?

As with so many things these days, the answer is “on the internet, of course!” You might be able to buy a sex doll at your local adult boutique or sex shop, but (due to the size, cost, and variety of sex dolls on the market) the selection is likely to be very small.

Fortunately, there are now numerous companies manufacturing and selling sex dolls online. With so many options out there, it’s important to do your research, read reviews, and understand what you’re buying. Good sex dolls are expensive, so don’t rush your purchase.

BestRealDoll offer what they proudly call “the world’s most realistic adult sex dolls.” Options range from basic genital or butt masturbators under $100 up to detailed, full-body dolls costing over $2000. Their sex dolls USA warehouse has thousands of products stocked and ready to go, with free shipping to mainland US addresses in 2-5 business days.

You can even customise your BestRealDoll purchase to your exact specifications.

This post was sponsored by BestRealDoll and you can enjoy 15% off in their online store by using the code CK15. All writing and views are my own.

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How to Incorporate Toys Into Your Sexual Roleplay

Published on by Amy

Have you ever taken on a role other than your usual self in the bedroom? If so, you’re in good company and possibly even in the majority. Roleplay is a tremendously popular and common sex activity, and inventive couples come up with all kinds of kinky roleplay ideas to keep things exciting.

Sexual roleplay allows you to explore dynamics, personas, headspaces, and aspects of yourself that you might not get to tap into regularly. It’s a fun way to keep a sexual relationship fresh and exciting, whether you’re newly in love or have been married for decades. And it can be a safe way to explore fantasies that might be too taboo, risky, or unethical to carry out in real life.

Just a few of the most popular roleplay scenarios include:

There are lots of ways to make your roleplays come to life. One great way? Incorporate sex toys! Here are just a few ideas for how to incorporate sex toys into your kinky roleplay.

Look for Sex Toys That Fit Your Roleplay Idea

If you have a particular kinky roleplay idea or scenario in mind, think about what types of toys those characters might use. This is really more about archetypes and an overall “feel” than being too literal about it.

For example, perhaps that fierce, whip-wielding Master might have a set of butt plugs to progressively train his sub’s ass to take more penetration. Maybe the lonely woman on a business trip who’s going to pick up a stranger at the bar has her favourite bullet vibe in her handbag. White toys can have a vaguely clinical feel which is great for a medical scene. And so on.

Let Toys Help You Step Into Role

Sex toys are highly personal, and many people feel an attachment to their favourite toys. Are there any items that help you to step into a particular role or aspect of yourself? For example, perhaps putting on a sexy strap-on harness helps you to embody a dominant persona that’s very different from your everyday self.

When you’re selecting sex toys, think about your favourite roleplay scenarios or ideas. Consider not just what toys do but also how they make you feel. What sort of mood or aspect of you do they embody?

Call Your Sex Toys Something Else to Match Your Roleplay Ideas

If you already have toys you want to use, there’s nothing to stop you from giving them different names to fit the scenario you’re playing.

If you’re playing a kinky doctor/nurse and patient scene, for example, you could call a sex toy a medical device for the duration of the scene. Maybe you’re pretending to be a Victorian-era doctor, curing a patient’s “hysteria” with a vibrator[1]. Or maybe you’re doing a more “mad scientist”, experimental type scene, in which a device worn on the penis (a cock ring) is used to measure the subject’s response to various stimuli.

Cuckolding and cuckqueaning[2] scenarios can be simulated using sex toys if you can’t or don’t want to bring a third party into your bedroom. Why not use a sex doll or realistic dildo, give it a name, and build a narrative in which one of you is fucking that person?

[1] This never happened, by the way. But it’s still a concept that many find hot
[2] Scenes in which one partner is “forced” to watch their partner have sex with someone else. People are into this for reasons ranging from humiliation and eroticising jealousy through to simple voyeurism

Create Roleplay Stories and Ideas Around Your Sex Toys

Your roleplay scenario can go in any direction you want it to. This isn’t a movie. The goal is fun, not realism. So if you want to craft a story in order to incorporate sex toys into your scenes, have at it.

For example, if you’re playing a boss/employee scene, the boss might have caught the employee with a sex toy in their possession at work… definitely contraband and deserving of punishment, right after they show their strict boss exactly how they use it. Or if you’re roleplaying a first time scenario, maybe one of you has acquired a vibrator from a surreptitious visit to your local sex shop. You’re not sure how to use it, but you’ll sure have a lot of fun finding out!

Sex, and especially roleplay, is mental at least as much as physical anyway. So much of what’s hot about sex acts is the stories we build around them, so get creative with your kinky roleplay ideas.

Use Toys as Rewards and Punishments

Many sex games, kinky scenarios, and roleplay ideas contain an element of power play. Power is intrinsically hot and wrapped up with desire for many people. So why not lean into that and include some kind of reward or punishment system in your roleplay scenario?

The person in the more submissive role could be rewarded for good behaviour by having theit favourite toy used on them. Alternatively, they could be punished by being denied that pleasure, getting spanked or having to watch the dominant partner using the toy instead.

Punishment, even in a roleplay situation, can be emotionally intense for many people. Make sure you negotiate thoroughly before you start.

This post was kindly sponsored by BestVibe. My readers can enjoy 20% off all products in their store by using code “coffee” at checkout! All writing and views are, as always, mine.

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6 Things Not to Do If You Want to Have Anal Sex Successfully

Published on by Amy

I recently learned that “Anal August” is apparently a thing, dedicated to celebrating all things butt sex. A lot of people want to try anal sex, but there are some common mistakes that can prevent you from enjoying safe and pleasurable anal. Let’s talk about some of them.

Note: my definition of “successful” anal sex is anything that is consensual, pleasurable, and safe for all parties involved. Beyond that, you do you. We don’t do prescriptive around here. A certain level of penetration (or any penetration at all) is not required!

The Most Common Anal Mistake: Skimping on the Lube

We all know that we need to use tonnes and tonnes of lube to have anal sex successfully, right? Well, you probably need even more lube than you think. No, add a bit more. More than that. Okay, now you’re good. If things don’t feel slippery wet, you’re probably not using enough. If anything is hurting, catching, or you can feel a lot of friction, you’re definitely not using enough.

It’s also a good idea to keep adding lube regularly, particularly if you’re using water-based as it will dry up after a while. I like silicone lube for anal sex because it’s so slippery and lasts ages (but remember it’s not a good idea to use silicone lube with silicone toys.)

A bonus tip: please never, ever use “numbing” or “desensitising” lube. Pain is your body’s way of letting you know that something is wrong. If you can’t feel it, you may not notice if you’re being harmed until it’s too late. Plus, anal sex is supposed to be pleasurable! If you’re numbing your body to get through it, please consider whether it’s something you are even truly desiring or consenting to. Seriously, these products should not exist and can get in the fucking bin.

Don’t Rush

Apart from skimping on lube, one of the most common anal mistakes people make is rushing. It’s understandable if you’ve been wanting to try anal for some time and are excited, but slowing down is essential.

You probably won’t get an entire penis or dildo in your butt the first time you try anal sex. That’s totally normal. Even if you only get the tip of one finger inside, that’s a success as long as you had a good time. I say this all the time with kink, but it’s true for any kind of sex: it is always better to end a session thinking “I’d like to do more next time” than to end it thinking “fuck, I went too far.”

Don’t forget about exploring externally, too. Anal play isn’t all about penetration! There’s a reason rimming (oral sex performed on the anus) is so popular. That entire area is really sensitive and having it stroked, licked, or teased can feel really good. Even just running a lubed-up finger across the anal opening can provide an intensely erotic sensation.

Don’t Restrict Yourself to Hands and Dicks

Anal sex toys are often erroneously categorised as “for men.” This is problematic in a couple of ways. First, “sex toys for men” is usually used synonymously with “for people with dicks.” And by now we all know that not everyone with a penis is a man, don’t we? Aside from this, everyone has a butt! Some anal toys are designed specifically to stimulate the prostate. And it’s true that if you were assigned female at birth, you don’t have a prostate. However, no matter what type of genitals you have, the butt is packed with nerve endings and sensitive spots that feel really good when stimulated.

What I’m really saying is: get yourself some butt toys! If you want to try anal play, they can be a great way to start out, explore, or expand your repertoire.

If you’ve never done anal play before, don’t make the mistake of going straight for large toys. Start with a mini butt plug (I like Godemiche’s Plug B in small) and work your way up. After that, you can try a larger plug or a small slimline dildo. I like the Godemiche Peg for a beginner anal dildo or just as a great option for those who prefer smaller and slimmer toys. And if you’d like to fuck your partner anally but don’t have (or don’t want to use) a bio-cock, a good strap-on harness should be on your shopping list.

Don’t forget vibrating toys, too! The OhMiBod Lumen and B-Vibe’s rimming plugs are great choices.

Don’t Feel Any Pressure to Try Anal If You Don’t Want To (and Don’t Pressure Your Partner)

Pressure, whether self-imposed or placed upon you by someone else, is one of the ultimate libido killers. It also erodes consent, since a person who is being pressured may not feel able to say yes or no to an activity freely. Never make the mistake of pressuring either yourself or your partner into anal sex.

If you’d like to have anal sex with your partner, raise it and see how they feel about it. They may say no, in which case you need to respect that. You might decide to explore on your own to scratch that itch, using anal toys such as butt plugs (vibrating or not), dildos, anal beads, or butt strokers. They might be enthusiastic and all for it. Or they might be open to it but nervous or hesitant. Wherever they are, meet them there with love and acceptance.

Treat yourself in the same way. You don’t need to feel any pressure to have anal sex for any reason. Some people feel pressured because a partner really wants to try anal, because they worry they will be seen as prudish or uptight if they don’t, or because they think it is a “standard” part of their sexual orientation (fun fact: according to a 2011 survey of men who have sex with men, less than 40% reported engaging in anal sex with their last sexual partner. Many never do it at all.)

For any kind of sexual exploration, a safe and pressure-free environment is vital as a base from which to explore.

Neglecting Sexual Health During Anal Sex Can Be a Risky Mistake

Like all kinds of sex, anal sex carries a risk of passing on a sexually transmitted infection (STI.) Current data also indicates that it is a higher risk activity than vaginal, oral, toy, or hand sex. If you want to try anal sex, you must be able to have an honest conversation about sexual health.

The best ways to keep yourself and your partner safe are to get tested regularly, negotiate your safer sex boundaries clearly, and use a condom for penetrative anal sex. Don’t forget that rimming, like any other forms of oral sex, can carry an STI risk. Depending on your safer sex boundaries, you may wish to use a dam (or cut up condom) for rimming.

Hand sex is low risk for STI transmission, but it is still possible. Being diligent with hand washing, and using gloves if you like, can lower the risk further (and using gloves is essential if you have any open cuts on your hands.)

Anal sex with hands can also facilitate a transfer of bacteria even if you are both/all STI-negative. If you’re switching between anal and genital stimulation with hands, change gloves or wash your hands in between. Even a freshly washed butt can transmit bacteria that can cause urinary tract infections and other complications, particularly for people with vaginas.

For the same reasons, never make the mistake of going from anal to vaginal penetration with the same penis or dildo without having a thorough wash or sterilising the toy in between.

Don’t Stress If It’s Not For You

Like anything else, anal sex isn’t for everyone. You might reflect and decide that you have no interest in trying it, now or possibly ever. That’s cool! You might try anal and realise you don’t like it or want to do it again. That’s fine, too! You’ve learned valuable information about yourself! If you do want to go ahead and try it, avoiding these common anal mistakes will give you the best chance of having a good experience.

This post contains affiliate links.

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How to Keep Long Term Chastity Play Fun and Exciting

Published on by Amy

Long term chastity play, with or without a cage or device, is an incredibly common sexual fantasy. For some, it’s also a kinky reality. Chastity refers to locking the genitals away in a device such as a cock cage or chastity belt. This prevents stimulation, orgasm, or even erection.

People are into chastity for all kinds of reasons. Some enjoy the stronger eventual orgasm that a build-up of sexual tension and arousal brings about. Others enjoy chastity as part of a power dynamic or D/s relationship. Some find a sense of satisfaction from the physical and mental challenge. All of these reasons, and so many more, are equally wonderful and valid.

What constitutes “long term chastity” is a highly personal question. Some people stay locked up for weeks or months at a time (be aware of the safety implications if you’re considering using a chastity cage long term.) For others, hours to days is their happy place. The only correct length of time is what works best for you and your partner(s.)

One mistake that new chastity players often make is to treat this kink as “set and forget.” But it’s not (usually) enough to simply lock yourself or your submissive into a chastity cage and expect successful long term chastity play to follow. That’s a recipe for boredom and a lacklustre experience at best, and feelings of neglect or resentment at worst. Whether you’re going for a week, a month, or a year, here are four fun ways to keep your long term chastity play fun and exciting.

Do Edging and Denial Scenes

One of the most fun aspects of wearing a chastity device is how sensitive the genitals are when it comes off. You can use this to your advantage by incorporating edging and denial sessions into your chastity play, whether you’re playing long term or short term.

Edging just means taking yourself or your partner almost to the point of orgasm, and then stopping. You can do this once, or many times. An extended edging session followed by being locked back into a cock cage or chastity belt can be exquisitely torturous for a long term chastity submissive.

Depending on your mindset, edging can be its own reward… or its own punishment. Some submissives love it, and others hate it.

Incorporate Other Types of Kinky Play Into Your Long Term Chastity

One of the wonderful things about chastity is that it pairs so well with many different kinds of kinky play. Almost any other activities you can think of can be combined with chastity to create a fun and sexy scene.

If you’re into impact play you can spank or flog your submissive while they are wearing their chastity device. Some submissives enjoy teasing or humiliation about (for example) how aroused they are getting from the pain, their inability to get hard in their chastity cage, or the fact that the impact play is the only stimulation they will get.

Long term chastity also makes every part of the body more sensitive. This means that even gentle sensations can feel more intense than usual. Sensation play, from stroking with feathers or soft fabric up to playing with scratchers or pinwheels, can be amazing here.

Rope and other forms of restraint can be used to enhance all kinds of chastity-based scenes. They can also be a scene in and of themselves.

Use Sex Toys

Even if you are doing a form of chastity play that does not allow for direct stimulation of the genitals, there are still lots of ways you can use sex toys to enhance your play. For example, if your submissive enjoys anal play, having them wear a butt plug can be a fun way to remind them of their arousal all day long.

If you’re doing edging and denial scenes as part of your long term chastity play, sex toys can be a great addition. Why not allow your submissive to “earn” minutes with their favourite sex toy in exchange for tasks, favours, or good behaviour?

Finally, if you’re an exhibitionistically-inclined dominant, masturbating with toys in front of your submissive while they’re locked up is a delicious tease.

Involve Other People in Your Long Term Chastity

If your relationship allows for it, involving other people in your play can bring a new kind of excitement and add an extra edge (pun entirely intended) to your chastity kink.

There are numerous different ways to do this. If you’re part of the kink community or have kinky friends, you could approach a friend to do a “double-domming” scene with you. Another way to realise this fantasy is to work with a professional Dominant, or Pro Dom/Domme. Serving two Dominants is a fantasy for many kinky submissives.

If you enjoy exhibitionism or voyeurism, why not go to a kink club and play in the semi-public space it affords? This might include doing a scene in front of other people, or simply having your chastity device on show in the space. There may be the opportunity to play with other people if you want to, but there should be no expectations.

Some people enjoy combining long term chastity with cuckolding or cuckqueaning. This involves the dominant partner having sex or playing with others while their submissive watches. It might include the enjoyment of feeling “left out” or the eroticising of normally negative emotions such as jealousy. It can also simply be about enjoying a sexy show, feeling horny, and then not getting release. Cuckolding and cuckqueaning can be very emotionally intense. Negotiate thoroughly beforehand and plan to give each other plenty of aftercare and reassurance.

Don’t forget about the potential for involving others online, too. This might include engaging with others on chastity forums or accepting “tasks” from fellow players online. Some Pro Doms/Dommes even offer online-only scenes through text, audio chat, or video call.

One thing you should not do is involve others in your kinky scenes without their explicit consent. This includes doing anything in public that is obvious or where you could reasonably get caught. It also includes making others (including members of the public, serving staff, and your friends or family) uncomfortable. Consent always comes first.

Today’s post was sponsored by Total Chastity. They manufacture and sell high quality chastity devices, toys, and accessories, which you can check out through the links included! All views and writing are, as always, entirely my own.

Header for a post on sexual health, STIs and sex toys

What You Need to Know About Sex Toys, Sexual Health, and STIs

Published on by Amy

The first time I went to a sexual health clinic for an STI test, I was 19 and had been in a consensually non-monogamous relationship for about six months. When I awkwardly told the practitioner that I had sex with women as well as men (a reductive view of gender, of course, but my knowledge wasn’t anywhere near where it is today!) they cautioned me never to share toys with fellow vagina-owning partners. This was the first I’d heard about the possibility of getting an STI or STD from a toy.

DISCLAIMER: please note that while this post draws on current scientific understanding of sexual health, I am NOT a medical professional and nothing in this post should be construed as medical advice or a substitute for such.

A note on terminology: the term “sexually transmitted infection” (STI) is now generally preferred by health professionals as it is both more accurate and less stigmatising than “sexually transmitted disease” (STD.) However, I have used both terms in this post to help more people who need the information to find this post, as “STD” is still the term more people are Googling.

Looking back, there were a couple of problems with this. First, “don’t share toys” is both unrealistic and unnecessary advice. The truth is more nuanced and less absolute than that. Second, why did they only offer this- albeit incorrect – advice when I said I was sleeping with women? People of all genders and in all types of relationship configurations use sex toys.

To that end, I thought it was time to bust some myths. So let’s look at the truth about STIs and sexual health when using toys, shall we?

You Can’t Get an STI from a Sex Toy, Right!?

Sorry to break it to you, but you can. What you cannot do is get an STI or STD spontaneously from using a sex toy alone. That’s impossible.

If a person who has a sexually transmitted infection (STI) uses a toy and then shares it with a non-infected partner, though, that person can contract the infection. This applies to STIs that spread via bodily fluids (such as blood, semen, and vaginal fluid) and those that spread via skin-to-skin contact. If you’re doing anal play, there’s an additional risk for infections that spread through fecal matter such as Hepatitis A, B, and C. It also applies to conditions such as bacterial vaginosis (BV) and yeast infections, by the way, though these aren’t STIs.

Most STI microbes cannot live for very long outside the body, including on the surface of a toy. However, this may still be longer than you think! One study showed that Human Papillomavirus (HPV) was still present on thermoplastic elastomer (TPE) sex toys 24 hours later after cleaning in 40% of cases. Other infections can last anything from minutes to hours or, rarely, days or weeks outside the body. This means that sharing a toy in quick succession is the highest risk activity. However, you’re still potentially at risk if you share an unsterilised toy even some time later.

An aside for the kinksters: if you are using toys that can break the skin (such as whips, floggers, and so on) then be aware that STIs can be transmitted through blood if you are using the toy on more than one person. Once a toy has blood on it, consider it as belonging exclusively to that person. And if you play with rope, ropes that touch naked genitals or get sexual fluids on them should either be washed (if possible) or used exclusively on that person from then on.

Washing Your Toys is Not Enough

I feel like I bang on about this all the time, and especially in my sex toy workshops. Washing a sex toy and sterilising it are not the same thing. Remember that HPV study I linked above? Those TPE toys had been washed! On silicone toys, HPV was present immediately after cleaning in 44% of cases. It was not present after 24 hours. This disparity may be due to the fact that TPE is porous and silicone is not.

Washing your toys after each use is a great thing to do, and I encourage it. This applies even if you’re the only person using them. Unclean toys can cause all kinds of problems for your body. However, washing your toy may not be enough to prevent STI/STD transmission if you are sharing it.

The only way to be sure that a non-porous toy is STI-free is to sterilise it. This might include boiling, using a 10% bleach solution, or using a sterile medical wipe.

One of the biggest problems with porous sex toys is that you cannot fully sterilise them. This means that they can harbour bacteria in the material itself. This is not just an STI transmission risk, but also incredibly unhygienic even if only one person is using the toy. If you must use a porous toy, always use a barrier such as a condom.

So If You Can Get an STI or STD from a Toy, What Can We Do to Stay Safe?

None of this is to say you shouldn’t share toys at all. If you know what you’re doing and take a few basic precautions, it’s actually one of the lower-risk forms of partnered sex. It’s also hot as fuck, obviously.

So what do you need to know in order to protect your own and others’ sexual health? If you’ve been reading my work for some time, you know what I’m going to say.

Go for an STI test regularly (between every 3 months and every year depending on how many partners you have.) Know your status. Talk openly about sexual health with each of your partners. Make agreements on what barriers you will and won’t use for each activity, including when using toys. Approach shared toy use like any other sexual activity with an STI/STD risk. Negotiate it, do not assume it is 100% risk-free, and default to caution if you have any worries.

You can further reduce your risk by understanding how to fully sterilise your sex toys and choosing only non-porous materials (such as silicone, stainless steel, glass, and ABS plastic). Use barriers on shared toys if they are porous or if you have not negotiated that level of fluid exchange with the relevant partner(s.)

If you’re really cautious, it’s fine to just agree that each person will have their own toys for use on them exclusively. The downside of this, of course, is the expense. The most important thing is to educate yourself so that you can make the most sensible decisions for yourself and your partner(s.)

FYI: affiliate links appear in this post.

Two condoms in red packets. Header image for a post on rejecting the term fluid bonding

Why I’m No Longer Using the Term “Fluid Bonding”

Published on by Amy

In the decade and a half I’ve been non-monogamous, I’ve had numerous conversations about so-called “fluid bonding.” I’ve negotiated the circumstances under which it is okay, not-okay, and maybe-okay to do it in various relationships. I have discussed the potential risks brought about by myself, my partners, or even my metamours choosing to fluid bond in certain relationships, and how those impacted might protect their sexual health. I’ve had literally hundreds of conversations involving this subject.

And I’m rejecting the term. When I talk about barriers, safer sex practices, and sexual health, I will no longer be using the term “fluid bonding.”

Here’s why.

First, What is Fluid Bonding?

If you ask ten polyamorous people what “fluid bonding” means, most of them will probably tell you something like “having sex without barriers.” In practice, though, the term’s most widely-used and accepted definition is narrower than that.

When most people say “fluid bonding,” they are referring to the act of having penetrative penis-in-vagina (or, less commonly, penis-in-anus) sex without a condom.

“Fluid Bonding” is Vague

Under the above definition, I have only ever “fluid bonded” with two people in my entire life. But that feels like a ridiculous, reductive, and wildly inaccurate assessment of how I have had sex over the years.

But the term “fluid bonding” is inherently vague. Though there’s the commonly-used definition I outlined above, I’ve seen plenty of instances where people thought they were on the same page about its meaning but were not. This can lead to hurt, anger, and feelings of violation and betrayal as well as people’s safer sex boundaries being inadvertently violated.

When we assume we all use a term in the same way, miscommunications are inevitable. Nowadays, if a partner or prospective partner tell me they’re “fluid bonded” with this or that person, or expresses a desire to fluid bond with me, I’m going to be asking far more questions rather than assuming I know what they mean.

Vague Terminology Makes it Harder to Have Accurate Safer Sex Conversations

Here’s the reality: semen is one bodily fluid, but not the only one. And semen going into a vagina is just one way of sharing bodily fluids in a sexual relationship. It’s also only one possible way to contract an STI.

If you’re having oral sex without a condom, dam, or other barrier, you are exhanging fluids. If you are touching your partner and then yourself with your hands (or touching more than one partner’s genitals in one session) without changing gloves or handwashing in between, you are exchanging fluids. Any kind of kink activity involving blood, such as needle play, is a fluid exchange risk. Hell, even saliva is a bodily fluid. So if we’re getting really technical about it, kissing is a form of fluid exchange. It’s a low risk one, admittedly, but some STIs can be transmitted in this way. Sharing toys creates risk. And for some STIs to spread, skin-to-skin contact is all you need.

I’m not telling you any of this to scare you. Quite the opposite, actually. STIs carry a heavy stigma but most of them are also easily avoidable, treatable, or manageable. I’m telling you this because having the correct information is how we can all make better choices to keep ourselves and our lovers safe and healthy. Regular testing, clear and specific negotiations about barrier use or lack thereof, and knowing the facts is how we do that.

I’ve also seen people, particularly non-monogamy newbies and those not clued up on sexual health, assume that if they are not “fluid bonded” (i.e. having unbarriered intercourse with a penis) with any of their partners, then they are free from any sexual health risk and can eschew testing. The reality is that anyone who is sexually active should be testing at least occasionally, if not regularly.

Continuing to use this term makes it harder to have accurate conversations about sexual health. It perpetuates the idea that penetrative sex with a penis is the only form of sex that carries a risk. This belief is simply inaccurate and frankly dangerous. It prevents people from being fully informed and protecting their sexual health accordingly.

“Fluid Bonding” is Heterocentric and Cissexist

Part of rejecting “fluid bonding” is tied to my broader and long-standing desire to completely decentre penetrative sex with a penis as some kind of pinnacle of sexual experience. Penis-in-vagina intercourse is one type of sex. It’s not “full” sex (look out for my rant on that subject, coming soon to a sex blog near you!) It’s not “real” sex. When we centre it above other activities in our discussions about sex, we are perpetuating cisheteronormativity.

When we talk about “fluid bonding”, we are assuming that one partner in the equation has a penis and the other has a vulva. This may or may not be true. Further, even if this does happen to be the combination of bodies we’re working with, penis-in-vagina (or anus) intercourse may or may not be a part of that couple’s sexual relationship.

This is heterocentric. It is also cissexist. In reality, relationships can include any combination of gender identities and genital types that you can think of. In reality, penetrative sex is a part of some sexual relationships but not all. And any sexual relationship likely involves at least some form of fluid exchange unless you’re covering your entire bodies in latex prior to sex and not kissing.

The vast majority of the sex I have outside of my nesting relationship is with other people with vulvas. This sex still carries risk, and sexual health is still a consideration. Many queer and sapphic women assume sexual health concerns don’t apply to them because of heteronormative narratives around so-called “fluid bonding.” This directly increases their sexual health risks.

“Fluid Bonding” is Emotionally Loaded

If having unbarriered sex with your partners is emotionally meaningful to you, I’m not going to tell you it shouldn’t be. I also prefer to have unbarriered sex in situations where it feels safe and comfortable to do so! As I said, I’ve only had unbarriered penis-in-vagina sex with two people in my entire life. This should tell you that I do not, personally, consider it trivial.

However, I think we should be very, very careful about applying emotionally loaded terms to conversations about safer sex.

A relationship with Partner A isn’t less emotionally meaningful than a relationship with Partner B just because you use barriers with one partner and not the other. There are so many reasons you could make this choice. Perhaps one partner has much more casual sex outside of your relationship and using barriers makes you feel safer. Maybe you or one of your partners is trying to get pregnant in one relationship but not another. Perhaps one penis-owning person has had a vasectomy and another hasn’t. So many possible reasons, and none of them are “I love this person more than that person.”

With that said, some people do use so-called fluid bonding as a sign of emotional significance in a relationship. Again, I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t do this. The emotional weight you apply to sexual decisions is highly personal and up to you to negotiate with your partner(s.)

However, I believe the term “fluid bonding” automatically confers this emotional weight, whether or not the people in question believe in or experience it. That feeds into problematic (and often heteronormative and mononormative) assumptions about which sex acts do and don’t carry emotional significance.

Sex without a barrier is not inherently more connective (or “bonding”) than sex with one.

So What Am I Using Instead?

In rejecting this term, my goal is to get far more accurate and specific in my conversations about sexual health. It might seem useful to have a shorthand at first glance. But, as we’ve seen, that shorthand is so imprecise as to be functionally useless.

So instead, when negotiating sexual health, I’ll talk about what I am actually doing with whom. How many people am I having sex with? What barriers am I using or not using for which activities? How often and in which circumstances do I have casual sex, and what precautions am I taking when I do? How often do I and my partners test, and what were our most recent results? And so on.

Does it take longer? Sure. Is it a little clunkier? Yes. Can it feel more vulnerable, or even embarrassing, to get so specific? Yes. But it’s a hell of a lot more useful for everyone.

FYI: this post contains affiliate links.

Header image for Icicles No 24 glass tentacle dildo review

[Toy Review] Icicles No. 24 Glass Tentacle Dildo

Published on by Amy

Fantasy sex toys are probably the single category that I get asked about the most, considering I’m not particularly into them for their own sake. YKINMKBYKIOK! But since readers ask me about them so much, I thought it might be time to try some out and see if I can gather some recommendations for you all. First up is the Icicles 24, a glass tentacle dildo by Pipedream Toys.

Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo
Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo

Icicles No. 24 Glass Tentacle Dildo

The Icicles No. 24 is a glass tentacle dildo measuring 6″ in total length (5″ insertable.) It is made from borosilicate glass—the same stuff as Pyrex cookware. This material is body-safe, non-porous, hypoallergenic, and surprisingly strong. There’s no way a glass toy is going to break inside you, so please put that fear to bed now. (Though if you drop the toy on a hard floor, it’s best to retire it. Even if it looks okay, there may be cracks that you can’t see.)

Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo

Glass toys like the Icicles tentacle dildo are easy to clean using warm soapy water, boiling water, a sterile wipe, or a 10% bleach solution. As it’s non-porous and has no motor, it’s safe to use in water. The curved tail “handle” also means you can safety use the Icicles No. 24 anally, if you want to.

The Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo is very pretty, with a lovely pink hue to the glass. I can see that, if you have that particular kink, it could be very sexy.

In Use: What I Didn’t Like

After many years of trying and reviewing virtually every variety of sex toy under the sun, I have had to concede to the point that I just don’t particularly like very textured internal toys. I find them overstimulating to the point of painful more than I find them arousing.

Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo

I really gave the Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo a damn good go and I wanted to love it much more than I did. Unfortunately it’s just not one that’s a good fit for my body. Even with plenty of lube, it’s slightly too wide for me to insert comfortably. The bumps on the top of the shaft also caused me pain rather than pleasure.

It’s important to say, though, that this is a matter of personal preference. There’s not much inherently wrong with this toy and, if your preferences are different and more aligned with what the toy is offering, you’ll probably love it.

One design feature that really bugs me about the Icicles glass tentacle dildo is the handle. Firstly, it’s too small. I can just about get two fingers through the loop, but I have teeny tiny hands. Anyone with bigger hands than me is going to really struggle to hold this toy comfortably. I also hate that the bumps extend all the way around the handle. I get it from an aesthetic perspective, but it makes the toy really uncomfortable to hold.

Icicles Glass Tentacle Toy: Anything I Did Like?

The one thing I will say in this toy’s defense, though, is that the gently curved shape is excellent. Perfect for targeted G-spot pressure. Remove those bumps and narrow it a bit, and this would be a toy I’d love. In this guise, though, it’s not for me.

Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo

Other good things I can say about it: it’s satisfyingly weighty. Also, glass can be heated up or cooled down for temperature-based fun. Just pop it in the fridge or run it under warm water before you play.

Icicles No. 24 Glass Tentacle Dildo: Verdict

You should buy the Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo if you have a tentacle kink, enjoy very rigid toys, and like the intensity that comes with excessive texturing. If you prefer smoother or softer toys, though, it’s unlikely to work for you.

Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo

This one is really going to be a Marmite sex toy, I think. (That’s British for “you’ll either love it or hate it”, for my international readers.) It doesn’t really work for me, but I can tell you exactly what type of person it WILL work for.

The Icicles No. 24 retails for $63.99 from Shevibe.

I received the Icicles No. 24 glass tentacle dildo for free in exhange for an honest review. All views are, as ever, my own. Affiliate links appear within this post.

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How to Make Sex Toy Use More Kinky

Published on by Amy

Given that I’ve somehow built an entire career out of talking about them (I know, it’s still totally bonkers to me too!) it will come as no surprise that I love both sex toys and kink a whole bunch. But what about all the fun ways you can combine them? Using sex toys isn’t necessarily a kinky activity in itself though, as with anything else, what makes an activity “kinky” is mostly in your mindset around it anyway. Someone’s vanilla is someone else’s edge play. One person’s hardcore BDSM is another person’s average Friday night.

Whether you’re a kinkster who loves using toys or a toy aficionado who wants to bring a little more kink into your bedroom, why not try some of these fun strategies to kink up your sex toy use?

Play Kinky Edging and Denial Games with Sex Toys

The reason most people use sex toys? Because toys get them off. Often because toys make them come faster, harder, or more easily than other types of stimulation. But what if you kinda get off on not getting off? Well, sex toys are amazing for playing kinky edging and orgasm denial games.

You can do this with a partner or by yourself. Simply use your favourite vibrator or masturbator (or have your partner use it on you), get close to orgasm, and then… stop.

From here, you have a few options. You can edge as many times as you like and then cum. You can edge as many times as you like and then not cum, allowing that delicious sexual tension and frustration to build. Or you can ruin your orgasm by removing stimulation the second you tip over the edge. Many sexual masochists find ruined orgasms exquisitely painful.

Toys and Bondage

Do you like getting a little tied up or tying your partner up? Sex toys can be a super fun addition to bondage—any kinky activity involving restraining someone or being restrained. Bondage can range from something as simple as immobilising your partner and using toys on them, to complex predicament ties or rope harnesses designed to hold sex toys in place. I find this type of play pairs particularly well with forced orgasms (more on that in a minute.)

You can even play with toys and bondage by yourself. Self-bondage (AKA solo bondage and self-tying) is very popular and you can find tutorials online to help you learn how to do it.

Always follow safety protocols: keep a cutting tool for rope or the keys for any locking restraints within reach, keep your phone within reach in case you need to call for help should something go wrong, and never put rope or restraints around your or your partner’s neck. (Not so fun fact: the overwhelming majority of kink-related deaths are attributed to breath restriction, and autoerotic asphyxiation in particular. Please just don’t go there.)

Forced Orgasm

A forced orgasm is when a consenting person is “made” to cum in a way that may be beyond their physical control. It can work particularly well for those who are multi-orgasmic or for those who find continued stimulation after the point of orgasm painful or uncomfortable in an enjoyable way.

For some people, the kink lies in trying to resist the climax until their body succumbs to the sensation. For others, the hot part is being made to cum repeatedly until they physically (or psychologically) cannot any longer.

Toys are great for forced orgasm play because they can create sensations more intense and overwhelming than bodies can typically produce by themselves. I find that wand vibrators are particularly perfect for forced orgasms because they’re just so intensely and overwhelmingly powerful. They also work equally well on both penises and vulvas. To keep your hands free while you force orgasms from your submissive, try a wand harness.

Sex Toys as Rewards for a Submissive in a Kinky Dynamic

If you’re in a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship or playing with some kind of power dynamic in the bedroom or in your relationship, you may want to incorporate rules, rewards, and punishments in some way. Favourite sex toys can be a great motivator in this type of kinky relationship.

For example, time with a favourite sex toy can be a great reward for an obedient submissive. On the other hand, refusing them permission to masturbate or use toys can be an effective punishment. Remember to negotiate thoroughly in advance to make sure you’re both happy with the rules, rewards, and punishments you agree on.

Play with Threesome or Group Sex Fantasies

Threesomes, foursomes, orgies, and other group sex configurations are tremendously popular fantasies that strike a chord with many people. In fact, according to some sources, having a threesome is the most popular sexual fantasy for people of all genders!

Actually having group sex is certainly possible, and it’s something many people enjoy very much. However, there are many considerations to take into account if you’ve never done it before: jealousy and insecurities, navigating multiple people’s boundaries, and the ways in which your relationship may change are just some of them.

If you’re not ready to go there for real, or prefer to keep it in the realm of fantasy, then you can use a sex toy to simulate your group sex desires without the emotional or relational risk. Realistic dildos, sex dolls, and lifelike pussy-style strokers are ideal for this type of fantasy.

…And Get Creative!

What about you, folks? Any creative or unique ideas on how to get kinky with your favourite sex toys? As with anything in the realm of kink, sex, and toys, you’re limited only by creativity, consent, and your imaginations. So play, explore, don’t be afraid to try things out, and have fun with it.

This post was kindly sponsored by BestVibe, and my readers can enjoy 20% off all products in their store by using code “coffee” at checkout! All writing and views are, as always, mine.

Bloomi mini reviews header image

[Lube & Massage Products Review] Bloomi Massage Oil & Water-Based Lubricant

Published on by Amy

I’ve decided to couple these two mini reviews of Bloomi’s lube and massage oil into one post. Sexologist-led, all Bloomi products all meet something called the Clean Standard:

Based on academic research and input from top sexual wellness experts, we created the only industry standard to ensure toxic ingredients don’t touch your intimate areas.

– Bloomi Clean Standard

This means that you can feel assured that Bloomi’s products do not contain any of the nasty ingredients that are far too common in sexual wellness products: glycerin, parabens, artificial fragrances, phthalates, sulfates, and so on. And, since everything is plant-based, they’re also vegan and cruelty-free! Even the packaging is made from recycled, recyclable, and sustainable materials.

Bloomi Reviews: Lube and Massage Oil

I received the Relax Body & Massage Oil and the Smooth Water-Based Lubricant to try out.

Bloomi Relax Body & Massage Oil

Bloomi massage oil

I’ve recently rediscovered the joy of giving (and receiving) massages. Massage is such a wonderful, intimate way to touch a partner and you can use it in so many different ways. It can sooth a headache or a bad back, act as a kind of foreplay or precursor to sex, serve as aftercare, be an act of service from a submissive to a Dominant, or just be a way to connect physically without necessarily getting your genitals involved. And that’s just for starters. Like any kind of touch and intimacy, massage is what you make of it.

I tested the Bloomi Relax Body & Massage Oil with my partner for this review. We both loved the gorgeous lavender scent. It’s distinctive without being overpowering and lavendar can invoke feelings of calm, relaxation, and overall wellbeing.

The Relax Body & Massage Oil blends smoothly into the skin and does not leave any unpleasant residue. It leaves the skin feeling soft, moisturised, and healthy. So much so that you can use it as an everyday body oil/skin moisturiser as well as a massage oil, if you like.

Bloomi’s Relax Body & Massage Oil retails for $24 for a 3oz/90ml bottle. And since a little goes a long way (you only need a few pumps to get really good coverage), it should last you a while.

Please be aware that, like most oils, this product is not compatible with latex. Don’t use it (or be sure to wash it off first) if you are planning to use latex safer sex barriers such as condoms and dams, as it can degrade them and make them more prone to breakage.

Bloomi Smooth Water-Based Lube Review

Bloomi water-based lube

Those of you who have been reading my work for a while will know that I am extremely choosy about the lubricants that I will use and recommend. Too many lubes are filled with ingredients such as parabens (which have been shown to be endocrine disrupters) and glycerin (a type of sugar which can cause issues such as yeast infections and Bacterial Vaginosis.)

That’s why I was happy to review Bloomi’s gentle, body-friendly, and planet-friendly products. Smooth by Bloomi contains only gentle plant ingredients, including hydrating green tea extract and Sodium Hyaluronate (hyaluronic acid), which may help to relieve vaginal dryness.

Bloomi’s Smooth Water-Based Lubricant has quite a thin consistency compared to some of the more gel-like lubes I’ve reviewed, and is satisfyingly smooth and slippery. I find it lasts quite well, so you don’t have to reapply it as often as with some water-based products. I particularly like it for high-friction activities such as using my Godemiche Grind Rings or silicone dildos with more “grabby” textures.

Smooth Water-Based Lubricant’s formulation has a pH of 4.0-4.5. The normal pH of the vagina can range from 3.8-5.0, so this lube shouldn’t cause any issues there. It isn’t sticky, and doesn’t leave any residue behind on either my skin or my sheets. It also has only the mildest scent and virtually no discernible taste.

Apparently Smooth isn’t suitable for use with polyurethane condoms, so bear that in mind if you’re using non-latex barriers. It’s fine for use with latex or polyisoprene barriers, though.

Smooth Water-Based Lubricant retails for $13 for 3oz/88ml. Again, a little goes a long way here.

Thank you to Bloomi for sending me these products to review. All views are, as always, my own. This post contains affiliate links and purchasing through them sends me a small commission at no extra cost to you!