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Several wooden spoons. For a post about pervertables and doing BDSM on a budget with household items

5 Pervertables You Probably Have in Your House Right Now

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Quality BDSM gear can be expensive. Sex shops sell some stuff, of course, though its quality is highly variable. A custom flogger or handmade paddle can cost anything from tens to hundreds of dollars. Many people simply don’t have that type of money and want to enjoy BDSM on a budget instead. Enter: pervertables.

What Are Pervertables?

Pervertables are innocuous everyday household items, reimagined and repurposed for kink. They are ideal for kinksters looking to do BDSM on a budget, anyone who is new to BDSM or wants to try a new type of sensation without blowing a lot of cash, or for those occasions when you find yourself somewhere without your toybag and want to have some fun.

And, of course, some pervertables can be sexy for their own sake. A lot of people fetishise, for example, the feeling and aesthetic of being spanked with a hairbrush.

Doing BDSM on a Budget? You Probably Have These 5 Pervertables in Your House Right Now

When it comes to using pervertables for BDSM and bondage at home, you’re limited only by your imagination and basic safety precautions. Here are five ideas for items you might have to hand right now that can have a kinky use.

Clothes Pegs

Clothes pegs are an amazing alternative to clamps and such an underrated kink toy! Choose the plastic ones with soft pads on the teeth if you’re after something less vicious. The wooden ones are often more pinchy. This can vary, though, so test them out on your finger before you apply them to anywhere more sensitive.

Use clothes pegs on nipples, labia, clits, cocks, or most sensitive fleshy areas. Keep them away from the face and neck. After a more intense or painful experience? Try putting a line of clothes pegs along your masochist’s back, tying them all together with string or twine, and pulling them all of at once. (Don’t surprise someone with this the first time you do it; it’s not for everyone, so always get consent first.)

Pro tip: the longer you leave clamps or pegs on, the more they’ll hurt when they come off.

Chopsticks

Chopsticks are another option for makeshift clamps. Simply squeeze a nipple (or other sensitive area) between two chopsticks and secure the ends with small elastic bands or hair ties. For a tighter squeeze, secure closer to the centre. To loosen them off, move the bands outwards.

Wooden Spoon

Arguably the ultimate household spanking implement, wooden spoons can deliver a surprisingly sharp and stingy sensation. Much like canes, their pain comes in waves – the initial sting when the blow hits, and then a second or two moments later as all the nerves fully register the impact.

Pervertables like wooden spoons are pretty safe when used on fleshy places like butts, but you should always start slowly and gently, checking in with your partner along the way. You’d be surprised how much they can hurt!

Hairbrush

Traditionally associated with over-the-knee spanking, hairbrushes remain enduringly popular impact implements. Different sizes, shapes and materials can feel very different, so make no assumptions, build up slowly, and communicate with your partner as you go about how it feels.

Ice

Ice is brilliant. You can use it on its own or alongside something like wax play for a fun temperature-based scene. You can run ice over your partner’s body for a cold tease, press it to a nipple or clit, or trail icy droplets all over them.

Ice play doesn’t have to be painful and can be purely sensual, but it definitely can be painful if that’s what you want. Typically, ice in sensitive places will become painful quite quickly. Keep the ice moving (i.e. don’t rest it on one spot for too long) and make sure that the bottom gets dried off and warmed up as quickly as possible after play.

…And 5 Things You Shouldn’t Use as Pervertables

All the pervertables and activities I’ve suggested here are relatively low risk as long as you communicate with your partner, practice risk-aware consensual kink (RACK), and observe some basic safety precautions such as understanding no-hit zones.

But there are also some things you absolutely should not use as pervertables. Here are a few of them:

Cable Ties

Cable ties (also known as zip ties) are not a safe way to restrain someone. They can tighten easily, cutting off circulation or causing nerve damage. They’re also thin bands of rough plastic, meaning there’s a high risk of them cutting or chafing the skin.

Household Candles

There are different schools of thought on this. Some people say that basic, unscented paraffin wax candles are okay. My stance, though, is it’s not worth the risk. Different wax blends and quality levels burn at different temperatures and it can be hard to know what you’re getting. Instead, choose wax play candles from a reputable maker or supplier.

Fruits and Vegetables

Please don’t insert fruits and veggies into your body. They can carry harmful bacteria, pesticides, or other contaminants which can lead to irritation or infection. They can also have rough or sharp areas which can cut you. It is particularly dangerous to insert anything without a flared base anally, as it could become stuck (leading to an embarrassing emergency room visit if not a serious injury.)

This applies to virtually any household items you might be tempted to insert, by the way. There are safe(r) ways to repurpose other items or make your own sex toy, but when you can get a basic silicone dildo for under $20, it’s just not worth taking risks with unsafe items.

Bamboo Garden Canes

Tempted to reach for one of those cheap bamboo gardening canes and repurpose it as a BDSM implement? Please, please don’t. Here’s why: when bamboo breaks, it splits horizontally along the shaft. This can result in razor-sharp long edges, putting the recieving partner at risk of a deep and dangerous cut.

Scarves

Scarves, particularly those made of slippery materials like silk, are popular “beginner bondage” materials for those wanting to practice BDSM on a budget. Unfortunately, they’re also far more dangerous than you think. They can easily tighten unintentionally, cutting off circulation, causing nerve damage, or making them difficult to undo quickly. Grab some basic jute or hemp rope and learn how to do some fundamental ties instead. You’ll be much safer.

FYI: affiliate links appear in this post.

A set of traffic lights. For a post about safewords and other BDSM safety tools

Beyond Safewords: 8 BDSM Safety Tools You Can Use

Published on by Amy1 Comment

There are very few things in kink that I take an unshakeable hard line on. But as someone who is passionate about BDSM safety and more ethical ways of practicing kink, one of them is this: BDSM safewords are essential.

What Are Safewords?

Safewords are simple code words used in kink scenes that mean “stop.” They’re particularly useful for scenes in which words like “no” and “stop” may not be taken at face value as part of the game, but I recommend having one in place regardless of what type of kink you’re doing.

The best safeword is something that you can easily remember and wouldn’t otherwise say in a kink scene. The most commonly used safewords these days seem to be the traffic light system:

  • Red = “stop everything right now”
  • Orange/Yellow/Amber = “pause and check in”
  • Green = “everything is good, keep going”

Use these if they work for you, or come up with your own. Safewords I’ve used include canary, aardvark, and banana.

Beyond Safewords: Other BDSM Safety Tools

Safewords are vital but they are not the be-all/end-all of BDSM safety. That’s why I wanted to suggest a few other tools, tricks, and pieces of wisdom you might want to keep in your kink safety toolkit.

“No”: The Ultimate Safeword

In the absence of very explicit negotiation to the contrary, “no” is the ultimate BDSM safeword. Unless you and your partner have agreed that (for the duration of a scene, or during kinky play in general) “a ‘no’ is not to be taken at face value”, guess what?

No means fucking no.

A “Check In” or “Adjust” Word

I touched on this above as it forms part of the increasingly popular traffic light safewords system. If you need to pause, check in with your partner, or adjust something, a check-in word can help to facilitate this without bringing the entire scene to a screeching halt.

A check-in word is useful for moments when (for example) your leg has gone to sleep, you need to change positions but want to keep going, or you need to grab some more lube.

Really Robust Negotiation

BDSM negotiation is all about what happens before you start playing. It can be a long and involved process where you both fill in Yes/No/Maybe lists and compare your answers, a quick conversation before you begin, or anything in between. This all depends on your experience level, your existing dynamic or relationship if there is one, and the types of play you’ll be engaging in.

Of course, things can still go wrong. There’s no shame in that as long as everyone was operating in good faith. BDSM safewords are vital, but negotiating thoroughly reduces the chances you’ll need to use one and increases the likelihood of enjoying a fun scene where everything goes well.

A 1-10 Pain/Sensation Scale

This tool is particularly useful if you’re engaging in pain play of any kind, though it can be useful for any type of play that involves intense sensations. It’s a quick way to check in with a bottom or receiving partner and see how they’re feeling. As a general guideline, 1 means “I can barely feel that” and 10 means “I am at or very close to my limit and may safeword soon.”

As well as asking your partner what level they’re at, it’s also useful to ask them what level they want to be at. A hardcore masochist might want to get up to a 9 or 10 and stay there, while a lighter player may be happier staying at a much lower number. Of course, the desired level can also vary day to day and scene to scene.

Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication

If you and your partner know each other well, you probably know each other’s body language and non-verbal cues pretty well. Body-language is far from foolproof, and even people who have known their lovers for decades can get it wrong. But it’s also a major part of human communication and can be a valuable tool if you take the time to tune in.

Does he go silent when something is wrong? Do deep, guttural moans mean she’s having fun, but high-pitched squeaks mean she’s reaching her limit? Do they clench their fists when they’re having a tough time with something? Is crying good or bad?

References

If you want to play with a new person, it’s a good idea to scope out what their reputation is. Are they known to push boundaries or disregard safewords, or are they highly respected for their ethical and risk-aware play style? You can ask around your local kink scene or check with the organisers of events they go to. References, vetting, and community safeguarding are essential parts of enhancing BDSM safety for everyone.

Sadly, this method has its problems. How useful it actually is will likely depend a lot on your local scene politics. Unfortunately, some kink communities have a problem with protecting abusers, especially if the abuser is popular, charming, or good at throwing parties. Ask several people and if in doubt, seek a second opinion.

Safe Calls

Sadly, some people can be perfectly charming and seemingly safe players in public, but behave very differently behind closed doors. That’s why I recommend implementing a safe call if you’re going on a play-date or into a private space with a new person.

Agree to call, text, or otherwise contact someone (a friend, another partner, or a trusted person in your community) at a prearranged time to let them know you’re safe, and agree on what they will do if you fail to check in.

Aside from the obvious benefits of someone knowing where you are, who you’re with, and what to do if something goes wrong, setting up a safe call and informing your date about it can also tell you a lot about them. If you say “I need to call my friend by 4pm to let her know I’m safe,” a good play partner will say “sure, maybe set an alarm to remind yourself?” and not “what the fuck!? Don’t you trust me!? I’M A NICE GUY!!!”

A Spotter

Finally, we have a BDSM safety tool that I feel is underutilised but tremendously valuable. A spotter is a person who watches a play scene but is not directly involved unless they’re needed. For example, a more experienced rigger might observe a rope scene to make sure the tie is safe.

Using spotters is a brilliant way to minimise risk when you’re learning and trying new skills, but their usefulness extends beyond beginners. If you’re playing with someone new or someone you don’t know very well, having a trusted third party there can help to keep you safe. They can step in if boundaries are overstepped or safewords not adhered to. Someone who knows you, your body, and your reactions well is ideal. At a play party, a Dungeon Monitor (DM) may also be able to take on this role.

If you enjoy my content, please consider buying me a coffee, sharing this post on Bluesky or Fetlife, or shopping with my affiliate retailers to show your appreciation!

Header image for the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation review

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation

Published on by Amy

Every time I review or indeed use a Satisfyer toy now, I end up with “Satisfied” from Hamilton going around in my head. Of course, this means I really want a musical theatre parody about sex toys. Anyone want to write this for/with me? In the meantime, it’s time for a Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation review.

The first time I tried to write a Satisfyer Pro 2 review, I couldn’t understand what all the fuss for this much-hyped toy was about. Looking back now, I’m not sure if I was just doing it wrong (for the value of “wrong” that means “in a way that didn’t work for my body”) or if the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation is just that great of an improvement on the original. Either way, I tried the Pro 2 Next Generation and – spoiler alert! – I loved it!

Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation Review: Details

For anyone who isn’t familiar with Satisfyer’s suction toys, they utilise something called “pressure wave stimulation”. Essentially, you put the nozzle end around your clitoris and the stimulation comes from rapid air pulses rather than vibrations. Some vulva-owners say this type of stimulation can make them come in less than a minute. Others describe it as like having the orgasm forcibly ripped from their body.

Some people describe these toys as “oral sex simulators,” but I think that’s mostly marketing hype. I don’t think it’s truly possible to replicate the sensation of cunnilingus with a sex toy with the technology we have available at present.

The Satisfyer Pro 2, for a product review
Image: Satisfyer

The Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation has a plastic body and a silicone nozzle. It is a lovely rose gold colour and has the name of the company embossed on the body. The nozzle is detachable, making it easy to sterilise, and you can purchase more if you need to. This toy is rechargeable and waterproof.

The Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation has a slightly bigger nozzle than the Satisfyer Pro Penguin, which I recently tested and which retails for a similar price-point. If you have a larger clitoris or like a slightly larger area stimulated, the Pro 2 Next Generation would be a better choice over the Penguin (whereas I’d recommend you choose the Penguin if you prefer a bit more of a pinpoint sensation.)

Satisfyer Pro 2 Review: In Use

It took a little practice to position the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation in the right spot for my body. If you’re new to suction toys, be prepared for a little experimentation. Once it’s in the right place, though, the soft and cushy silicone of the nozzle makes this a comfortable toy to use.

One of the most noticeable improvements to the Next Generation model over the original, in my view, is how much easier the buttons are to press! I found the buttons on the previous version frustratingly sticky and difficult to press. It’s also much quieter than the previous iteration. The other major improvement is the addition of dual-directional controls. This means you no longer have to cycle through all 11 speed settings to get back to the previous one.

Unlike vibrators, my go-to MO with suction toys isn’t just “ramp up to max and leave it there.” Even the lower settings of the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation are pleasurable, and I often don’t need to go to the highest setting to get off.

Verdict

With some major issues from the original model ironed out, the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation is an excellent clitoral suction toy.

The Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation is available from Sex Toys UK.

Thanks to Satisfyer for sending me this product to review. All views are, as always, my own. Purchasing through the affiliate links in this post helps to support the blog.

Yes, no, maybe checkboxes in white chalk on a green background. Text reads: BDSM negotiation tools

BDSM Negotiation: 4 Valuable Tools to Help You

Published on by Amy2 Comments

One of the coolest things about kink is that it’s almost infinitely varied. Everyone’s interests, experience, and reality are completely different and there is more to explore than any of us will get to in a lifetime. This variety is also why BDSM negotiation is important.

Just because two people are kinky, you can’t assume that they’ll have many (or any) kinks in common. Kink negotiation is the process of figuring out what you want to do together, what’s off the table, and how you want to feel during your scene. Negotiation is a vital component of BDSM safety.

If you’re new to BDSM negotiation, it can feel forced or awkward at first. You might not be sure what to say or how to communicate your needs. If so, these tools should help you.

BDSM Negotiation Tool #1: A Comprehensive Yes/No/Maybe List

A Yes/No/Maybe list is a worksheet listing various kinky activities on which you can indicate whether you’re a yes, a no, or a maybe for engaging in each activity.There are hundreds of variations of the Yes/No/Maybe list available online. I like this one, which is pretty thorough and includes spaces to indicate your experience and level of interest.

You can either go through the together with your partner or prospective partner, or complete them separately and then swap lists to compare. Either way it’s a brilliant tool to get discussion flowing, figure out what kinks you have in common, and maybe discover some activities you didn’t know existed. (Ask me how I learned what “figging” and “rimming” are back in the day.)

BDSM Negotiation Tool #2: Pervocracy’s Concise Kink Worksheet

Yes/No/Maybe lists are great, but the good ones are also long. That’s why Cliff Pervocracy (one of the OG sex bloggers!) put together this “Concise Kink Worksheet“.

When you’ve established you have some compatible kinks and are wanting to get down to playtime, this sheet suggests some essential talking points to help you establish desires, limits, health and safety precautions, and what you want to get out of a scene.

BDSM Negotiation Tool #3: A BDSM Test

A BDSM test is an online quiz that asks you a series of questions to determine what kinky archetypes or roles you might be drawn to. I like this one from Fetish.com. If you’re not sure where to start, why not complete a quiz like this one and ask your partner to do the same, then compare your results and talk about what they mean for your kinky connection?

Remember not to take your results too seriously. It’s a guide, not a command. If the quiz tells you you’re a Mommy Domme but you identify more as a Mistress with a nurturing streak, that’s fine! If the quiz says you’re a masochist but you prefer the term “bottom”, you get to choose the terminology that works for you.

BDSM Negotiation Tool #4: Erotic Content

If you like to consume kinky content such as ethical porn, audio porn, or written erotica, it can be a great starting point for your real-life kink negotiations. Consume content together with your partner if you’re comfortable with that, talking about what appeals to you and what doesn’t. If you can’t or don’t want to do this together, consider sending each other clips or links that do it for you and use them as a jumping-off point.

Remember, of course, that porn is not reality. Real-life BDSM is unlikely to look exactly like a beautifully-shot professional scene or play out exactly like your favourite erotic story. Erotic content is entertainment, not education. But it can still inspire you, give you ideas, and spark conversations that can help with your BDSM negotiation process.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to support me, please consider sharing it on Bluesky or Fetlife, buying me a virtual coffee, or shopping with my affiliates in the right hand sidebar.

Black BDSM cuffs on a bed. Text reads: 4 things that don't make you less of a dominant. For a post answering "Am I dominant enough?" and "what makes a good Dom anyway?"

Am I Dominant Enough? 4 Things That Don’t Make You Less of a Dominant

Published on by Amy

Something I hear a lot from new or would-be Dominants (Doms) in the BDSM world is, “Am I really a Dom if I like…?” The underlying questions are clear: Am I dominant enough? Am I doing it right? What makes a good Dom, anyway?

There are a lot of stereotypes of Dominants out there. Most of them are, frankly, bullshit. One only has to browse Fetlife for a few minutes to see people making all sorts of proclamations about the right, best, true, or only way to be a Dominant (or a submissive, for that matter.) All of this is nonsense.

Your dominance is your own and it doesn’t need to be fragile. If you’re secure in your identity as a Dominant or sometimes-Dominant kinkster, no-one can take that away from you.

Let’s look at four things that tend to cause new and inexperienced Dominants anxiety about their Dom credentials, and break down these harmful myths once and for all.

Am I Still a Dom if I Go Down on My Submissive?

It makes me really sad when I think about how many submissives are missing out on oral sex because their Dominant mistakenly believes that only submissives give head or that going down is degrading. And, for that matter, how many Dominants love sucking cock or eating pussy but won’t do it because they believe it undermines their authority.

The longer I’m kinky, the more I believe that virtually no sexual act is inherently dominant or submissive. Everything we do in sex and kink is ultimately imbued with the meaning we give it.

Most of us do this kinky stuff because it’s fun. As it turns out, a lot of people enjoy getting their cunt eaten or their cock sucked. Giving this pleasure to your partner doesn’t make you any less Dominant. There are even ways to explicitly frame it in a dominant manner, if that’s something you want to do.

Don’t believe me? Try having someone’s tongue on your clit or their mouth around your cock and being told you have to (for example) keep quiet or not come without permission. Then tell me that going down can’t be a dominant act.

Is it Okay for a Dom to Be Deeply in Love with Their Submissive?

Where did we get this idea that Dominants are cold, unfeeling creatures who are incapable of love? (And can we burn the Fifty Shades trilogy to the ground for, amongst many other sins, perpetuating this stereotype?)

BDSM and D/s is often a relationship build on profound vulnerability, trust, affection, and – yes – love. Not all BDSM needs to be based on a love match, of course, and casual play connections are valid if everyone involved is enthusiastically consenting to them.

Ultimately, though, Dominants are human beings with the full range of human emotions. So if you’re a Dom and you’re worried that catching feelings for your submissive will undermine your dominance: don’t be. If anything, intense feelings will just improve and deepen the connection you have and the ways you play.

If you’re a submissive and your Dom is incapable of love, care, or affection? Or if they can only do kink with people they hate, dislike, disrespect, or feel nothing towards? They’re probably an emotionally-stunted billionaire psychopath.

Am I Dominant Enough if I’m a Switch?

Lots of kinksters enjoy being dominant sometimes and submissive at other times. These people are called switches, and they’re not only valid but likely in the majority of kinky people.

Switching can manifest in different ways. You might be primarily a Dominant who likes to submit occasionally, or vice-versa. You might enjoy each role more or less evenly. Some people switch with the same partner, others prefer to let their different facets out to play with different partners. Some like to do the same activities in both roles, while others have very different preferences as a Top than they do as a bottom. However it looks, it’s all good.

One myth about switches is that they’re capable of being neither truly dominant or truly submissive, and are instead a watered-down approximation of both. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Switches are just as capable of being great Doms (or great subs) as anyone else.

In fact, some submissives even prefer to submit to people who switch. Having experienced both sides can lead to greater empathy for your sub’s experience, as well as giving you an extra avenue through which to get new ideas for things to try.

Am I Dominant if I Enjoy Being Penetrated?

I’m going to return to what I said above: there’s virtually no such thing as an inherently dominant or submissive sex act. The idea that being penetrated is inherently submissive is deeply rooted in patriarchy and misogyny. (The logic goes something like this: “women get penetrated, therefore being penetrated is feminine. Femininity is lesser than masculinity, therefore being penetrated is not only feminine but degrading and therefore submissive.”) I hope I don’t need to tell you what absolute bullshit this is.

When I hear of Dominants who’d really like to get fucked but feel they can’t take something in their vagina or ass for fear that it’ll make them submissive… well, it makes me really sad.

If you enjoy receiving penetrative sex as a Dominant, there’s nothing submissive about it. You can enjoy it and it doesn’t undermine your dominance in any way. And, just like giving oral sex, there are absolutely ways to get penetrated in a specifically dominant way. Ordering your submissive to fuck you exactly as you want to be fucked, in the position and at the speed and depth you prefer and not to stop until you’re satisfied? Sounds pretty dominant to me.

“Am I Dominant If…?” YES!

If you identify as Dominant – whether you identify that way always or sometimes or occasionally or only on Fridays during the full moon or just in this specific relationship – then congratulations, you’re a fucking Dominant. That’s literally all that’s required.

Please take this post as enormous permission to stop worrying about whether you’re somehow undermining your Dom credentials. There are no credentials. There’s no set list of required or prohibited activities to be a Dom. We do this shit because it’s fun. If you and your partner(s) are having a good time, that’s literally all that matters.

If you enjoy my content, giving it a share on Bluesky or Fetlife or buying me a coffee is a great way to say thanks! <3

We-Vibe Tango review header image

[Toy Review] We-Vibe Tango

Published on by Amy

Update 02/03/22: The We-Vibe Tango has been replaced by the new and improved Tango X and Tango 2 vibes. I normally remove obsolete reviews but I have left this We-Vibe Tango review up to show the evolution of this product.

Info & Details

Reviews of the We-Vibe Tango often say that it’s the strongest bullet vibrator currently on the market. The Tango is small, measuring only 3.5″ in length and about 0.75″ in diameter. It’s the standard “lipstick” bullet shape with a small flattened edge at the top leading to a point.

We-Vibe Tango small plastic lipstick vibrators in pink and blue
Image: We-Vibe

The We-Vibe Tango is USB rechargeable with a battery life of around 90 minutes, waterproof, and comes with a drawstring storage bag. It is made of ABS (hard) plastic and available in pink or blue.

We-Vibe Tango Review: In Use

I could just say “the We-Vibe Tango is a fucking great product” and leave it there. Because it is. But let’s get a little more in-depth.

This baby is seriously powerful and seriously rumbly. I particularly love how the plastic body of the toy enhances the rumbles and doesn’t dampen the power of the motor at all. (If this sounds like too much for you and you’d prefer your vibrations to be somewhat dampened by a layer of silicone, the We-Vibe Touch is a great option!)

The Tango is super light and tiny, fitting neatly in my hand. Its single button on the base is easy to press. The single-button interface is kind of annoying – you can only scroll through the settings one way, i.e. you can’t go back a step without flicking through them all first. However, the Tango does have a useful memory function: whichever setting you’re using when you switch the toy off, it will return to that same setting when you switch it back on. There are four constant speeds and four patterns.

This seems like a really petty gripe when this We-Vibe Tango review is so positive, but I need to say it: it bugs me that this toy is advertised as “for solo play.” I mean, sure, it’s definitely great for that. But it’s also great for use with a partner, or several. Just as literally any toy can be “for couples,” any toy can also be used for solo sex. Let’s not get prescriptive in how people use toys.

We-Vibe Tango Review: Verdict

I now understand why so many people rave about this toy. I cannot overstate how utterly excellent it is. It is certainly going to be my go-to for a small, light, travel-friendly and powerful as hell vibe.

The We-Vibe Tango retails for £54.99 at the time of writing. It’s definitely on the higher end of the price range for a bullet vibrator, but I think it’s worth it. It is so superior in quality to the overwhelming majority of superficially-similar toys on the market. It also comes with a one-year warranty.

I bought this toy for myself and did not receive anything in exchange for this We-Vibe Tango review. This post does contain affiliate links and if you buy through one, I make a small commission. All views are mine.

Header image for a review of the Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation

Published on by Amy

My first attempts at using clitoral suction toys were pretty lacklustre. That’s probably why the Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation has been sitting on top of my pile of “to review” sex toys for the last two weeks, trying to guilt me into actually testing it. But test it I finally did, so let’s do a Satisfyer Pro Penguin review!

Cute little thing, isn’t he? I showed Mr C&K the toy without telling him its name, and he immediately exclaimed, “It looks like a penguin!” So I guess, name-wise, it does what it says on the tin.

Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation: Basics

Like all Satisfyer clitoral suction toys toys, the Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation uses a suction nozzle and pressure waves of air to stimulate the clitoris without actually touching it. This provides an intense sensation without the numbing effect that some buzzy vibrators can cause.

Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation clitoral suction toy in original packaging
Image: Satisfyer

The Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation is waterproof and USB rechargeable. Its nozzle is silicone, and the body is ABS plastic. The nozzle is removeable, which makes cleaning a breeze.

Aesthetically, it’s cute and all but also… a bit baffling? I really wish I’d been a fly on the wall at the marketing meeting where someone said, “we’ve got this brilliant new sex toy technology. You know what would make this product even better? Let’s make it look like a PENGUIN!” Still, the sheer cuteness makes it non-threatening, which some beginners will appreciate, and I find its little bow-tie hilarious, so let’s run with it.

My first reaction upon switching the Penguin on was that it’s a little loud. But the sound is dampened significantly once the nozzle of the toy is against the body.

In Use

The Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation is small and not too heavy. The shape of the body means it fit nicely into my much-smaller-than-average hand. The main button on the front switches the toy on and off as well as controlling the speed, and is nice and easy to press. A really nice feature this toy has is the ability to turn it down as well as up without cycling through all the settings.

Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation clitoral suction toy
Image: Satisfyer

When I first turned the Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation up to its max setting, I initially assumed it wouldn’t do anything for me. Chalk that up to my relative lack of experience with suction toys, because I was wrong. Remember: it’s not a vibrator. It works differently.

To begin with, I must admit I was underwhelmed. Pleasant sensations one second became too intense – so intense as to be painful – remarkably quickly. It’s so precise that the slightest shift in position threw me off my game. This is definitely a toy that takes some practice.

What I learned, though, is that it’s all about positioning with this one. Being even slightly off can alter the entire experience. Personally, having it all the way over my clitoral glans is way too intense for me. Over the hood is the sweet spot. The sensation is something between a suck and a caress.

My advice when you’re using a suction toy like the Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation, particularly if you’re new to them, is to try to throw out your assumptions about how they’re “supposed” to work and what your body likes. These toys might feel superficially a bit like vibrators, but they’re actually quite different. Expect a learning curve accordingly.

Satisfyer Penguin Review: Verdict

A fun and playful toy that requires some experimentation, but ultimately delivers on performance as well as cuteness.

The Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation is available from retailers such as The Pleasure Garden, Good Vibes, Babeland, and Sex Toys UK.

Thanks to Satisfyer for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. All views are my own! Affiliate links appear in this post.

Header image for a review of the Rouge Garments leather flogger

[Kink Product Review] Rouge Garments Leather Spiral Flogger

Published on by Amy

One of the great things about being a sex writer is that our events always have great freebies, from sex toys to kink gear and beyond. Rouge Garments kindly provided various goodies for the recent Lube and A Laptop social, and I came home with this red leather flogger.

Rouge Garments Red Leather Flogger: Basics

This flogger is pretty hefty. End to end it’s about 71cm, of which 51cm is the falls and 20cm the handle. (On Rouge Garments’ site it lists the length of falls as 47cm, so mine may be a slightly over-long prototype.) It is made of real leather, so vegans may want to skip this one.

The Rouge Garments flogger retails for £36.99, which is a very reasonable price for a real leather product. It is available in black, purple, or pink as well as red leather.

Rouge Garments Flogger: Design

The design of this toy is fine, though it’s far from the prettiest flogger ever. My personal tastes in impact toys leans more towards leather falls with a wooden or metal handle, rather than all-over leather, but that’s a matter of preference.

The Rouge Garments red leather flogger seems fairly strong and durable, but my main design gripe (and it’s a pretty major one) is with the length of the falls. They’re not cut evenly and there is a disparity of more than an inch between the longest and shortest. This makes the product look somewhat cheaply made and slapdash. It also makes accuracy harder to attain, particularly for newer impact tops. I got it for free, but if I’d paid for it I would be pretty unhappy with it on this basis.

In Use

Like all longer floggers, the Rouge Garments red leather flogger takes some practice to wield effectively, It is pretty light for its size, though, which is a plus point. I could use it for quite a while without my arm getting tired, and I’m far from the strongest person around.

Mr C&K pointed out that, due to the handle not being smooth (the leather is effectively wrapped around in a spiral shape,) the ridges did start to hurt his hand after using the flogger for a little while.

From the receiving end, the Rouge Garments flogger has a decent thud/sting balance. The weight is just enough to give it a nice thud, while the thin falls follow that initial deep impact with a little bit of stingy bite.

I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone who wants either very hard thud or intense sting. However, it’s a passable option if you’re after something in the middle of the spectrum.

Verdict

This is an okay beginner flogger for people who are new to BDSM or anyone looking for something inexpensive. If you want beauty, craftsmanship, and something to last you a lifetime, though, I’d skip this one. Head over to a dedicated BDSM retailer or marketplace instead.

Thanks to Rouge Garments for providing these products in exchange for honest reviews. All opinions are, and will always be, my own. Affiliate link to buy this product from The Pleasure Garden send a small commission my way if you use them.

Header image for a guest post on psychosexual therapy for a sex positive Christian couple by Christine Woolgar. Image features gold wedding bands and a bridal veil on a white background. Text reads: from clueless virgin to enthusiastic wife by Christine Woolgar

[Guest Post] From Clueless Virgin to Enthusiastic Wife (with Psychosexual Therapy Along the Way) by Christine Woolgar

Published on by Amy

Today I’m so excited to be hosting my first guest post. It comes from my friend Christine Woolgar, a sex positive Christian writer and thinker. I have known Christine for a few years and been an admirer of her writing for about as long. I am honoured that she has chosen to share this intense, vulnerable, wonderful story about her relationship, having sex for the first time after marriage and with very little knowledge about her body or sexuality, and ultimately the breakthroughs that came with getting psychosexual therapy.

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TW/CN: This post doesn’t describe abuse, but it is loaded with intra-personal dialogue that enables/allows abuse.

From Clueless Virgin to Enthusiastic Wife (with Psychosexual Therapy Along the Way) by Christine Woolgar, Sex Positive Christian Writer and Thinker

Night 1 minus 5 days: My period is late. Darn, I thought my body had fully adjusted to the pill already. I don’t want to have sex on my period but I don’t want an argument on Night 1. I don’t want disappointment on Night 1. So I tell him now that I won’t want sex on Night 1. He agrees. We both figure it’s for the best as we’ll be tired from the wedding anyway.

Night 1: I see him naked for the first time. Wow. And just a bit scary too. But it’s OK, because I’m not taking off my knickers. Not tonight. It’s not the night I had envisaged but it’s a good night.

Night 2: I consent to taking my knickers off. We caress each other and have fun together. He doesn’t come.

Day 3: I’m kinda aroused, but he doesn’t come. Odd. I thought it’d be easy for him.

Night 3: A bit more intensive tonight, but still taking things slowly and gently.

Day 4: I think my hymen has broken. I muse on the idea that I am no longer a virgin by some definitions. And yet neither of us has come. Not what I had expected. What is wrong with me? Why is this so hard?

Night 4: I’m naked and he’s not getting hard. What is wrong with me? Am I unattractive?

Day 5: He is finally hard enough and I’m relaxed enough, but he doesn’t come. What is wrong with me?

Night 5: This is getting silly now. I feel alone. I talk to him about it and it helps.

Night 6: We caress each other. Variable arousal. He doesn’t come.

Night 7: He still doesn’t come.

Night 8: Finally! I am genuinely happy for him.

As for me, I always knew I’d be the difficult one. Can’t expect to orgasm immediately. No woman can. I knew I was lazy with my kegel exercises. It’s my fault really that I haven’t come yet.

Day 11: Honeymoon is over and we’re back at marriage prep. I learn there are couples out there who’ve taken a year to consummate their marriage. So why am I all upset about taking seven days? I don’t have issues. I must be being picky.

Week 3: By now it’s not too much of a problem for him any more. But it stings when I pee after sex.

Weeks 4-5: It keeps on stinging badly when I pee after sex. I search for causes on the internet. Not helpful.

I feel madly uncomfortable after sex. But I don’t understand why. I know sex is important. I know sex is important for him. But I also know it’s not entirely straightforward for him, so whenever he gets hard I just have to make myself available, otherwise it’ll never happen.

Months 2-6: It takes forever for me to get aroused. I count the days between sex. Then I feel really bad when it’s longer than seven days. I still feel uncomfortable.

He’s always the one who initiates. I say “I don’t mind”. But I don’t want it. Sometimes I say “I don’t know” – that means I really don’t want it. I don’t tell him I don’t want to have sex with him. That would be selfish. It would make me a failure as a wife.

If the marriage fails, it’s my fault.

I try squeezing my pelvic floor muscles during sex. OW! PAIN! BAD! Ow! That hurts! Not good! Do not want! Note to self: do NOT do that again!

I’m picking up my pill and I tell the woman there that I’m in pain after sex. She doesn’t know what to do. She talks to a colleague and comes back saying it’ll go away with more sex. I’m in tears.

He says he doesn’t like seeing me in pain. He says he wants me to enjoy sex. I wonder if that will ever be possible.

I get better at judging my body’s state of arousal so it doesn’t hurt (most times) (much) afterwards. I’m using lube, but I hate the stuff. He asks me what I want, but I don’t know what I want. I am indifferent to his touch.

Months 6-18: Friday evenings: Tired or meeting friends. Saturday mornings: Maybe there’s a chance, but it depends on how much we need to do that day. Saturday evening: Have supper before all desire drains away. Sunday morning: I need to be up to play hymns and all that jazz. Sunday evening: I’m stressing because we haven’t had sex all weekend. Forget arousal. During the week: Forget arousal.

We speak to a friend and he encourages us not to focus too much on coming, but on enjoying our time together. It helps. Marginally.

It’s not about what I want. It’s about what I can bear to give. Sometimes I get away with just offering cuddles. But it’s not the same as sex and we both know it. How long is this going to last?

I tell him what I mean by “I don’t mind” and “I don’t know”. And I tell him that I hardly ever want sex. I realise that I’m actually afraid of his penis and have been since Night 1. Realising this helps. Marginally.

When he’s physically affectionate, I feel nothing in response. I just let him touch me and wait for him to stop.

Month 17: I’m talking to HR about stress and say that my sex life is through the floor. I’m in tears. HR asks how my husband’s handling this; I say he’s being a saint. But there is this aching sadness inside me.

Month 20: I’m talking to someone about it. I try and explain that I have no good memory of sex. Every time I try and have sex it’s like I have to talk myself round that it won’t be a bad thing. I have nothing to look forward to in sex. I’ve learned not to be in pain, but it’s SO HARD to get aroused enough that I’m not in pain.

There are only two things that actively get me aroused: thinking about degrading myself and the thought of being tied up. Problem is, I don’t want to degrade myself and he doesn’t want to tie me up. He’s studied too much history to want to do that to me.

Month 22: I’m talking to my pastor/minister/vicar person about it. He says it’s important that the problem is sorted. He says there’s no shame in getting professional help.

Month 25: I’m picking up my pill again and I’m in tears. The woman there refers me to a sexual health clinic.

I get a letter in the post inviting me to make an assessment appointment for psychosexual therapy. It says that they can’t help couples where there is complete loss of arousal as this comes from relationship issues. We don’t have relationship issues. Letter goes in the bin. They can’t help me. I must be being whiney.

Month 27: He buys me some fantastic clothes to help me feel good about myself. They help. Marginally.

Month 28: I tell him just how bad I feel about not wanting to have sex with him. I tell him how I feel unfaithful. He tells me that I don’t need to feel like I have to save the marriage alone. He made a vow too. That helps. A lot.

Well, it helps me feel better about myself. Doesn’t help me get aroused.

Month 30: It’s pill time again. Tears again. This woman I speak to actually books us an assessment for psychosexual therapy.

Month 31: We have the assessment. She says the clinic can help. She says it’s a six-month waiting list. We can wait. We’ve waited this long.

She says it’s no bad thing to think of degrading oneself to get turned on. But I don’t want to. And I don’t see why degrading myself should be the ONLY way I can get turned on.

Am I asking too much when I want to be turned on by thinking about the one I love? Seriously?

Month 33: He buys me more fantastic clothes to help me feel good about myself. Positive effect is short-lived. I begin to feel bad about the money spent.

Month 34: He says he’s been doing some research and there are these things called “rope dresses”. He says in Japan, tying a rope around something can symbolise ownership. He says there’s a whole art form called “shibari”. It doesn’t have to be degrading, he says. He says he’s willing to give it a try if I am.

We start learning about rope. I begin to not dread sex.

Month 36: I’m getting better at understanding my body so that I don’t consent until I’m ready for him. I realise one day I’ve made a mistake: I’m not ready and he’s inside, but if he carries on he’s going to hurt me. I ask him to stop. He stops and withdraws gently. No hard feelings.

He wants me to tell him if he’s going to hurt me. He always has. I’m no longer afraid to be completely honest with him.

Month 38: I tell HR that we’ve reached the top of the waiting list and I’m going to need regular time off work to go to the sessions. They’re cool with this.

He tells his department head that we’ve reached the top of the waiting list and he’s going to need regular time off work to go to the sessions. Department head is cool with this. Line manager however is gutted she didn’t happen to be in when he asked. Not because he’s taking time off, but because she’ll never know the reason why he asked for it.

Month 39: Psychosexual therapy begins. Therapist is like: “So you’re no longer experiencing pain during or after sex; you already know that you love each other, even when you don’t want sex; you’re getting enjoyment out of this shibari stuff. Kinda makes me wonder what the problem is.”

It’s official. There is no problem. We are wasting therapist’s time. We’re bunking off work. We have massively unrealistic expectations and should just get over ourselves. After all, no therapist can PROMISE orgasms or satisfying sex.

I move department at work and need to tell my new line manager about the time off. There’s a moment when I just don’t know how to say it. But when he hears the words “psychosexual therapy” he nods and I don’t need to say anything more. He doesn’t think I’m making a fuss.

Month 40: We’re not having sex and I don’t have to feel guilty about it because it’s required as part of therapy.

There’s relief. Though I miss doing rope.

Following all the exercises our therapist gives us. Must show we’re serious and co-operative.

Buy helpful book, Becoming Orgasmic, recommended by the therapist. Massively unhelpful shop assistant waves it around and reads out its title loudly. Not impressed.

Therapist suggests I masturbate. I tell her I never have and I don’t want to start now. Besides, what difference would it make? Touch doesn’t turn me on.

Month 41: I switch shower products at the therapist’s suggestion. I can now come out of the shower and feel remotely comfortable about my body. Wasn’t the case before. I also get proper lessons about the human reproductive system. Majorly embarrassed at my previous level of knowledge (read: lack of knowledge).

Therapist is like: “So on Night 1, you were both virgins and neither of you had ever masturbated in your entire lives. I’d say having vaginal sex after seven days is pretty impressive.” Feel-good feeling quickly gets swamped by feeling that I am wasting the therapist’s time.

I begin to enjoy our physical time together. Though I don’t have orgasms. At least, I don’t think so. I’m not sure. He begins to lose the fear of hurting me unintentionally.

Month 42: Therapist says we’re making progress and can cut down sessions to once a fortnight. I confide my long-standing sexual fantasy with the therapist.

Then I come out of therapy and think about my sexual fantasy. I ask myself if there is a way I can think of it (and myself within it) that isn’t degrading. And I realise that there actually is a way. So I picture myself in my fantasy – or rather, within a particular story that resonates with my fantasy. And suddenly I’m wet. I picture myself in another story I love and OH MY GOODNESS I AM SO WET!

I talk and talk and talk with him about power and types of power and all these very sexual thoughts I’m having.

Now when he touches me, I welcome it.

I wake up the next day and I’m wet the whole time. Just as well I’m not playing hymns. I remember nothing of the sermon but cry buckets with a friend after the service. I don’t tell him why, just that it’s a good thing.

Next day, I commute to work and I’m wet. I try to work, but my goodness, every five seconds I get turned on. Are people going to notice me going to the toilet so often? My knickers are soaked all day long.

Next day: Wet all day. Can barely think all day. When is this going to end?

The whole week, even the slightest thing gets me turned on. I gradually cool down, which is actually a good thing.

Next session and therapist says we’re done. We book a follow up session in four months.

Now when he touches me I beg him not to stop.

Month 44: We’re a bit stressed, but go back on the ropes and find it’s a disappointment. We decide to try again when less stressed.

Month 45: Follow up therapy session. We talk over the previous month. I reckon last month was a blip but generally speaking we’re on the up. We book another follow up for three months’ time – we can always cancel if we don’t need it.

Month 46: Back on the ropes and enjoying it.

I’m reading about other people’s experiences of sex and realise I DEFINITELY have not had an orgasm yet. But hey, who cares? I’m having a great time even without them.

I’m relaxed enough now that I let him touch me where I’ve never let him touch me before: directly on my clitoris.

Month 47: He’s stimulating me and it gets proper intense. Oh my goodness, what is this? Don’t stop! I scream. Now THAT was an orgasm! Wow! OK, I need to recover now.

So does he. He wasn’t expecting me to scream and only kept going because I was giving continuous active consent.

Next day: second orgasm (a less dramatic experience for us both, but no less satisfying).

The next day: third orgasm.

And the next day: don’t need to keep count.

Month 49: Last therapy session. I tell therapist that looking back, there was definitely something wrong, but there isn’t now.

I now know I wasn’t a time waster. More relief.

Sex life gets better and easier. We can enjoy rope but we don’t need it to enjoy sex. I squeeze my pelvic floor muscles during sex. No pain this time.

Month 52: We’re talking about consent. We talk about the early days when I didn’t want sex and he got frustrated. We talk about the upset that put on me and the pressure he didn’t even realise was there for me to say yes. We’re realising there were times when I said yes, because I couldn’t allow myself to say no. He is deeply, deeply upset at the thought of violating my consent (his words), even if it was something he only did because I deliberately hid my true feelings from him. We both know better now. We share big hugs.

Month 56: I wake up in the early hours of the morning. I lie still so I won’t disturb my dearly beloved. I start to think about him caressing me. And then, almost before I know what’s happening, my body gives me a gorgeously gentle orgasm. It is the first orgasm I have ever had without being physically touched. Wow.

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About Christine:

For anyone curious to know a bit more about me, I would describe myself first and foremost as a Christian theological thinker. I live in the UK with my husband, and have a passion for shaping the church’s attitudes in areas around consent, sexuality and equality because… well, you can probably guess why from this post. I am unafraid to tackle awkward questions and I’m an unashamed critic of Fifty Shades.

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Footnote for anyone concerned about the non-consent described in this story:

I used to think in terms of male privilege and I didn’t know it. Yes, that terrifies me. No, no one had taught either of us about enthusiastic consent. Yes, I am working on changing this. I have blogged in more depth about how I now frame consent in a long term relationship and you can read about that on a fabulous blog run by Ashley Easter. Yes, she’s a Christian blogger. No, this post doesn’t talk about religion. Or marriage. Despite the title.

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Longer footnote for anyone concerned that my husband and I, as sex positive Christians, are at risk of going to hell and/or besmirching the name of the church:

I thought long and hard about sharing this story in this much detail.

A lot of what is here is already in the public domain. Back in 2011 (around month 26) I made a short video in which I disclosed publicly that we didn’t have sex in the first seven days of our marriage; the narrative of that video that was also published in 2013 on a multi-author Christian blog. In February 2016 (that is, two years after month 56) I blogged for them again about being on the “receiving end” of sex, and disclosed that my husband and I had psychosexual therapy. Shortly after, I blogged on my own site about our learning experiences of going through sex therapy, writing an open letter to a Christian evangelical couple who I knew were considering it.

I know that these posts have really helped people.

Now, I grant you, none of them were as explicit as this writing is. And although anyone who follows my blog knows that I’m not afraid to write about BDSM, this is the first time I’ve disclosed that my husband and I actually practice anything that remotely resembles BDSM.

Yet this is my story and I believe that sharing it has the potential to really help people. For some people, it might open up conversations on Christianity that wouldn’t happen otherwise. Yes, I have asked myself whether it’s right to disclose this much detail. No, I’m not 100% certain that I’ve got it all right. But then, I don’t think I can be certain because whatever I do, I won’t please everyone.

I decided to disclose about the shibari because if that hadn’t been within our story, then I’d never have started to engage with people in the BDSM scene. You see, around month 43, my husband asked whether we should starting trying to make connections with people on social media and engage in discussions about BDSM, given that we had benefited from the idea of shibari. It was just a question, but as soon as he asked it the Holy Spirit was persistently on his case, saying “Yes, this!” And that’s what led to my blog. Gosh, that’s what led to me being even capable of writing the stuff that’s on my blog. And it is bearing good fruit. So if you’re worried about me, judge me by my fruit. My times are in His hands.

Red flag waving against a blue sky - header for a post about BDSM red flags in a new kinky relationship

BDSM Red Flags: What to Watch For in a New Kinky Relationship

Published on by Amy1 Comment

A reader messaged me this week with this question: “What are some BDSM red flags to look out for when starting a new kinky relationship with a Dom or a sub?”

I had a lot of thoughts about this question and all the possible ways to answer it. On the surface, it’s simple. In many ways, BDSM red flags are exactly the same as those in any other kind of relationship. But there are also nuances specific to kinky relationships.

As I often do when I’m mulling over a topic, I took it to Mr C&K for his perspective. His response, I think, was utterly brilliant in its simplicity: “Don’t get into a relationship with a Dom or a sub. Get into a relationship with a person.”

What I love about this answer is that it cuts through all the possible responses I was thinking of giving to our lovely question-asker, and gets straight to the heart of the issue. It’s vital to get to know somebody as a real, three-dimensional human being before you seriously consider them as your Dominant or submissive.

Spend time – LOTS of time – talking, communicating, and seeing how they interact with you and the world. A good D/s relationship is a place of profound trust and vulnerability on both sides, and these things cannot be rushed. A real-life D/s relationship is nothing like an endless kinky fantasy or a porn movie. First and foremost, it is a relationship.

7 BDSM Red Flags to Look Out For

With all that said, I do still have some thoughts on specific red flags to watch out for in a kinky relationship. I’ve tried to keep these broad so that they’re applicable to Dominants, submissives, and switches alike, and relevant whether you’re meeting online or in person.

Your mileage may vary, of course, and I’m sure there are plenty I’ve missed. But I would view any of the following with some serious side-eye and a healthy level of skepticism.

Demanding too much, too soon

You wouldn’t give someone the keys to your house or ask them to marry you on a first date, would you? Just as you shouldn’t jump the proverbial gun on these vanilla relationship milestones, it’s also important to take your time in a BDSM relationship. Play together and have some kinky fun, if you both want to, but don’t even think about entering into any kind of ongoing dynamic for quite some time.

If a Dominant expects you to kneel and address them by an honorofic before they’ve earned your trust, run. If a submissive expects you to start trying to control every aspect of their life when you’ve barely got past coffee… you know what I’m going to say.

Referring to themselves as a “real” or “true” anything

There is no such thing as a True Dominant, a Real Submissive, or any other variation. Those of us who have been in the community for a long time call this One True Wayism, and it’s frowned upon for good reason. People who think their way is the only way tend to be snobbish, elitist and derisive of others at best and actively dangerous at worst.

Tthinking you know everything, refusing to learn, and refusing to be questioned is a recipe for disaster. It’s also one of the biggest red flags out there for kinky relationships.

Related to this is its equally problematic and insidious twin: “you’re a fake [Dom/sub/kinkster!]” Calling someone a fake is such a classic BDSM red flag that it’s pretty much a cliche at this point. There’s no such thing as a fake kinkster. There are good and bad players, safe and dangerous kinksters, and those with more or less knowledge and experience. But no-one is “real” or “fake.”

If you identify as a Dom, you’re a Dom. If you identify as a sub, you’re a sub. That’s literally all that’s required.

Using language like “if you were really [X] you’d [Y]”

“If you were really a sub, you’d give me all your passwords and your bank account login!” “If you were really a Dom, you’d take care of everything for me so I didn’t have to take any responsibility for my choices!”

This is the BDSM red flag equivalent of that old manipulative classic: “If you really loved me, you’d…”

If someone questions your identity or tries to use it against you to get their way, run. See above: there’s no such thing as a “Real” or “True” anything. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone and you certainly don’t have to do things you don’t want to do for your identity to be valid.

Claiming to have no or very few limits

Everyone has limits (that is, things they absolutely won’t do under any circumstances.) Absolutely everyone. Someone who claims not to have any limits (or to have “very few” limits) is, at best, woefully ill-informed about all the things BDSM can encompass.

And by the way: limits aren’t just for submissives! Dominants also can and should have limits.

I’ll say it again: literally everyone has limits. They can, and probably will, change over time. You don’t need to think up absolutely every single one right now. But you should start learning about what yours might be and learning how to communicate them.

Not understanding their own experience and skill level

Anyone can pick up a BDSM starter kit and call themselves a Dominant without having ever used that flogger on anyone, just like anyone can watch a thousand hours of spanking porn and call themselves a submissive without having ever actually played. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being inexperienced and curious, with being at the beginning of your kink journey, or with not knowing much.

What is wrong, though, is to significantly overestimate or misrepresent your experience and skill level. And if you find out someone has done this, it’s a pretty huge red flag. Trying to do certain BDSM activities without proper knowledge and tuition is irresponsible at worst, incredibly dangerous – both physically and psychologically – at best.

Responsible kinksters know their own limitations and put the safety, consent, and wellbeing of their partners above any self-aggrandising notion about being infallible.

Lying, including lies of omission

The absolute, foundational basis for any healthy relationship – kinky or vanilla, monogamous or polyamorous – is trust. Without trust, there is nothing. Lying to you is, therefore, probably the biggest, reddest, and flaggiest big BDSM red flag of all.

This includes those big barefaced lies, of course, but it also includes lies of omission. If you find a Dom who seems great but they “forgot” to tell you they’ve got seven other submissives at home… you have not found a good Dom or indeed a good human.

The person who lies to you in the beginning will lie to you all the way along. Whatever your role, you’re a human being first and you deserve to be told the truth about things that impact you.

The ultimate BDSM red flag: breaking boundaries, including small ones

Abusive or dangerous people don’t typically start by trampling boundaries in overt and glaring ways. If they did this on the first date, they’ll never get as far as a second date. Instead, people who would cause you harm will often “test the waters” with a new victim to see how much they can get away with.

Perhaps they persist in using language towards you that you don’t like, touching you in a way you’re not comfortable with, or putting you down in big or small ways, you are not being too sensitive. They are testing you, and they will push bigger and bigger boundaries if you continue a relationship with them. Get out now.

If you recognise any of these BDSM red flags in your relationship or with a new interest, help is out there! If you think you’re in danger, get yourself to a place of safety and ask for help as soon as you can.