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Header image for a post on home dungeon design: a bondage bed with black leather handcuffs on chains and a St Andrews cross on the wall behind

Bondage Bed, Suspension Points, and More: 8 Things I’d Want in My Dream Home Dungeon

Published on by Amy

Did you see that Netflix series How to Build a Sex Room? Like millions of other kinksters, I watched it and it got me thinking about what my own “sex room” might look like. In a world where I had a much bigger house than I do and an unlimited interior design budget, one of the first things I’d do would be to construct a badass playroom or home dungeon. And of course, from a bondage bed and spanking bench to suspension points and toy storage solutions, I’ve put a lot of thought into this concept and what I’d want to include.

It goes without saying that you don’t need tonnes of amazing kit to do BDSM. Your first and best tool in constructing scenes is your imagination. But one of the reasons I enjoy going to clubs and public play spaces is to use the kit I don’t have access to at home. I suspect the same is true for a lot of kinksters who play at clubs, dungeons and parties.

So just for fun, let’s do a little kink-meets-interior-design. If I could build my dream home dungeon, what would I put in it?

Suspension Points

Suspension points are absolutely essential if you want to do any kind of shibari or bondage that includes someone coming off the ground. You can get portable suspension frames (I actually have one in bits in my spare room right now!) but properly ceiling-mounted hard points are safer, more space-efficient, and less effort to set up.

Suspension points (AKA hard points) aren’t just for rope, either. You can also use them for other things, such as mounting a sex swing.

Speaking of which…

A Sex Swing

Sex swings are so versatile. They allow you to get into all kinds of positions safely and comfortably that would not otherwise be possible. They’re great for trying out different positions for penetrative sex (either with a bio-cock or a strap-on) but you can also use them for oral sex, kink scenarios, and more.

I actually own a door-mounted sex swing, but it has never come out of its packaging for the simple reason that I do not trust the structural integrity of my very old house’s doors that much. It feels like a recipe for injury. So a proper sex swing that I could mount on safe, load-rated hard points would be amazing.

A Bondage Bed

The awesome thing about bondage beds is they’re not just one thing. Despite the name, a bondage bed can also be a table or flat surface, a restraint rack, an alternative to a St Andrews cross for standing impact play, and much more. You can even use it in conjunction with other items of dungeon furniture to create just about anything your kinky heart desires. For example, why not add a toy mount or a wand harness, which can hold a toy in place against the bottom’s body while keeping the top’s hands free to do other things?

The possibilities are limited only by your imagination, your and your partner’s boundaries, and the laws of physics. A good bondage bed will also be able to accommodate all body types, no matter your size or weight.

I’d love a customisable bondage bed for my home dungeon. I think I’d really enjoy getting cuffed to it for a flogging, or using it with the toy mount for edging and denial scenes. Given the size, it would also be ideal for group scenes. I think it would be super fun to cuff two submissives to it in a face to face position, making them each watch what’s happening to the other one. Exhibitionism, voyeurism, anticipation, and a little light fear play all in one… fun, no?

A Spanking Bench

The humble spanking bench always seems to be one of the most-used bits of kit whenever I go to a dungeon or play party. A spanking bench allows the bottom to hold a bent-over position for impact play more easily. It can help the bottom to stay comfortable and prevent them moving around too much, give the top a clear spot to aim for, and enhance feelings of vulnerability and humiliation if you’re into that.

My ideal spanking bench would be one of those lovely wooden, leather-padded ones that comes with built-in restraints for the wrists, ankles, and upper body.

A Bondage Wheel

One of my favourite local dungeons has one of these, and I absolutely love it. It’s a padded, wall-mounted wheel with restraints to strap a person to in an upright position. You can then tilt it in any direction, or even spin it all the way around.

Bondage wheels are fun for all kinds of reasons. You can immobilise your partner and move them around at will to try out different activities or reach different parts of their body. If disorientation is something you like to play with, combining a bondage wheel with sensory deprivation play can create a very intense experience.

They’re also a fun way to experiment with inversion (being upside down) in a way that you can get out of in seconds if you need to.

Wall-Mounted Toy Storage

When designing the perfect kinky play space, practicality is at least as important as aesthetics. To that end, I’d make use of wall-mounted toy storage solutions.

I have to credit sex and mental health writer JoEllen Notte for the genius idea of using a wall-mounted wine rack to store wand vibrators. I’d love to display my wands this way in my hypothetical home dungeon! (JoEllen is also the person who gave me the idea of repurposing door-hanging shoe holders with multiple pockets, which I now use to store both my sex toys and my hair and beauty products!)

I’d also love to have some beautiful wooden or metal hooks on the walls to store my floggers, paddles, and other large impact toys as well as coils of rope and cuff sets.

Erotic Art & Decor

I have a growing collection of erotic art in my office and bedroom, from shibari-themed embroidery to a sapphic BDSM print to an incense holder shaped like a vulva. I’d love to expand this collection a lot more, and I feel like my home dungeon would be the perfect place to show this off. My dream would be to invest in commissioning my favourite kinky and sex-positive artists to create some custom work for the space.

As far as colour schemes, I’m thinking dark wood furniture and splashes of dark plum purple and rich teal green. Less “red room of pain” and more “high-end hotel suite… but make it kinky.”

Aftercare Corner

Aftercare is one of the most crucial parts of a good kink scene. Good aftercare helps the players to ground, regroup, and connect to each other again as equal humans after intense play. It can also help to reduce sub drop/Top drop. My dungeon would have a cosy aftercare corner with a comfortable sofa, warm blankets, and maybe a mini-fridge well stocked with water and snacks for a post-play pick-me-up.

What would you want in your home dungeon?

FYI: this post was sponsored. All views and writing are, as always, my own.

Header image for AcmeJoy sponsored post about thrusting sex toys

Thrusting Sex Toys: What, Why, and How to Choose The Right One for You

Published on by Amy

Based on how often I get asked for recommendations and how many companies are now making them, thrusting sex toys are seriously popular. That’s why I was excited to team up with AcmeJoy to bring you this guide on all things thrusting dildos, thrusting butt plugs, sex machines, and much more!

What Are Thrusting Sex Toys?

Thrusting toys are toys containing a motor that allow them to make a back-and-forth motion without the user needing to thrust manually. In other words, they mimic the feeling of penetrative sex with a partner.

Who Are Thrusting Sex Toys For?

In short, anyone who enjoys the sensation of having something thrusting into them. Most thrusting toys are aimed primarily at people with vulvas, but many of them are also totally safe to use anally, if that’s your thing. You could even use one orally, if you wanted.

A lot of people opt for thrusting toys as opposed to manual toys because, depending on the exact design and configuration, you can often use them hands-free. This both provides an experience that is more akin to having penetrative sex with a partner, and also frees up your hands to do other things.

What Kind of Thrusting Toys Are There?

There are numerous kinds of thrusting toys on the market. Search “thrusting” on any large sex toy retailer’s site and you’ll likely be met with at least a few different options. In this section I’ve broken down the main four categories of thrusting toys, though there is a lot of variation within each of these.

Some thrusting toys also vibrate, others don’t. Some offer different “patterns” of thrusting as well as the simple back-and-forth. Others feature rotating, heating, or other additional types of stimulation that you can play with. And, if you’re willing to pay a bit extra, you can even get thrusting toys that are app-controlled.

Sex Machines

Sex machines, AKA fucking machines, are large and usually freestanding devices that have a thrusting arm with a dildo or other toy attached. Fucking machines are popular, but they are also generally very expensive. And, for those with limited storage space or who are concerned about discretion, they’re pretty large and obvious. They can also be quite loud.

Thrusting Dildos

Thrusting dildos are like smaller, handheld versions of fucking machines. They come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, may or may not vibrate as well as thrusting, and may have other features such as balls or a suction cup.

Thrusting Rabbits

Thrusting rabbits are toys with a vibrating arm for clitoral stimulation and an insertable arm that thrusts. They are a popular alternative to traditional rabbit vibrators for those who enjoy a thrusting sensation internally rather than vibrations. (Though they do sometimes vibrate as well.)

Thrusting Anal Toys

Thrusting anal toys seem to be gaining in popularity. This category includes things like thrusting butt plugs and thrusting prostate massagers.

Thrusting Masturbators

Finally, we have thrusting masturbators for people with penises. These toys envelop part or all of your penis, then move up and down it in a thrusting motion designed to mimic the feeling of having penetrative sex with a partner.

How to Choose the Right Thrusting Toy for You

With so many thrusting sex toys on the market, how do you know which one to choose? There are a few factors you might want to take into consideration.

You may already have an idea whether you are looking for a toy for your vagina, penis, anus, or some combination of the above. First, always choose a toy made of a body-safe material. For a thrusting toy, this likely means 100% silicone. Avoid anything made of gel, jelly, rubber, PVC, latex, TPE/TPR, soft plastic, and so on. The one exception to this is that TPE/TPR is okay for external-only toys (e.g. penis masturbators) as long as you don’t expect them to last forever. If you are going to use the toy anally, it must also have a flared base for safety.

Next, think about the size and shape that works for you. Despite what certain marketing claims and mainstream porn will tell you, bigger isn’t always better when it comes to penetrative toys. Instead of choosing the most enormous toy you can find, think about what sort of size is likely to actually work for you. Don’t forget about the length of the trust, too. Some people enjoy long and deep thrusting, while others find it painful or uncomfortable. If you’re in the latter category, a toy with a shorter thrust length will work better. In terms of shape and design, do you want heavily textured, slightly textured, or smooth? Curved or straight?

Aesthetics can be important, too. Do you want a realistic, semi-realistic, or non-realistic toy? If you’re going for realism, do you want the toy to match your or your partner’s skin tone as closely as possible or don’t you care? If you’re going for non-realistic, what kinds of colours or styles appeal to you instead?

Finally, think about what additional features are important to you. Do you want a warming toy for a more realistic experience? Are you willing to pay extra for remote control or app control functionality? Do you want a suction cup, a harness-compatible base, vibrations?

As with choosing any type of toy, getting to know your own body and preferences will help you to choose the best thrusting sex toys for you. Reading reviews is also a great way to understand more about how different toys function and what users like and dislike about them.

Thanks to AcmeJoy for sponsoring this post. All writing and views are, as always, mine.

Header image featuring keys in a range of sizes for a guest post from Total Chastity

[Guest Post] What Does “Total Chastity” Mean to You?

Published on by Amy

I’ve written for Total Chastity a couple of times before, and this time their team pitched me a guest post of their own! They decided to poll their customers on what “total chastity” means to them. The results are quite enlightening, so I’ll hand you over to them to tell you all about it!

Amy x

What Does “Total Chastity” Mean to You?

Running a male chastity[1] website gives us the opportunity to interact with a huge range of submissives, Dominants, and Mistresses. While we’re all here for similar reasons, each individual in the fetish community is different. Even our name, Total Chastity, invokes all kinds of ideas and fantasies for different people, so we thought it would be fun to ask the question:

“What does “total chastity” mean to you?”

Here are some of the responses we got.

[1] “Male chastity” is the term commonly used to refer to a person with a penis being locked up in a chastity cage. However, this is a bit of a misnomer as not everyone with a penis–or who enjoys this kink–is a man

“Total Chastity Means Being Locked 24/7”

Permanent chastity was one of the most common answers we got when we quizzed our customers. The idea of chastity totally taking over your life is a common one within the fetish, and many submissives aspire to reach this despite the difficulty for most people.

“Even when I was just getting started, being locked all the time was the goal. It’s harder than you think to pull off though. There’s always a day where you’re uncomfortable or don’t feel up to it. I’m still not there yet but I don’t feel like I’ll be doing “Total Chastity” until I am.”

While the idea of permanent chastity can be a tantalising carrot for many submissives, it’s not something you should dive straight into. We advise starting with small periods of time wearing the cage and increasing them gradually. Even if you need to take the cage off at night, but wear it throughout the day, you shouldn’t feel like a failure.

It’s also important to be aware of the safety implications of wearing a chastity cage long term. We like this piece by Dan Savage in which he consulted with a urologist on how to do chastity safely. 

“Total Chastity Means Having a Mistress”

While we always encourage those who want to practise male chastity alone to do so, for some it’s never enough. Despite the majority of the experience being completely possible as a solo submissive, many of the responses we got from our customers stated that they felt they wouldn’t be doing “Total Chastity” until they find themselves someone to hold the keys and to truly submit to.

“I did my time on my own, but it never really clicked until I found Mistress. You can try all the neat tricks you want like giving the key to a friend or burying it in the garden, but you can always just go get it back. Once you’ve found someone to take that dominant role over you it really changes everything. To me that’s the step that takes it from just chastity to “total chastity”.”

Even though this point of view was fairly common amongst the chastity enthusiasts we spoke to, we always encourage those with an interest in chastity to give it a try even without a partner. It can help you explore the fetish, figure out which parts you like and dislike, and go into a partnered relationship more prepared with an idea of what you want to get out of it. There are also more and more products coming out to help support solo submissives such as app locking cages, and online keyholding services, which can give you an idea of what it’ll be like having a real Mistress, Master, or Dominant.

“Total Chastity Means More Than a Cage”

Anyone can put on a chastity cage. Anyone can wear one for hours or even days. But does that make them a chastity submissive? For many of our customers, the bit that comes after putting on the cage is what really defines “total chastity”.

“When I first started, I think I mind- gamed myself a bit. For some reason I thought once I’d bought a chastity device and put it on that would be it. Really though, it was only the beginning. Once the initial excitement wore off, reality started to set in. For me the things you do while you’re wearing the cage are so much more important than just the act of locking up your junk. Only once you start to live your life as a submissive do you truly start to experience “total chastity”.”

A lot of stores are only really in it to sell you a cage. Once they’ve made the sale, you’re left to figure out the rest on your own. Luckily there are plenty of resources online to help, including forums where you can talk to others who’ve gone through exactly the same process when they started out.

At Total Chastity, we want to be part of this process. That’s why we regularly post an array of chastity themed content that can help you not just with choosing and buying a cage, but what to do after you’ve put it on.

“Total Chastity Means Total Submission”

A slightly more philosophical answer that we got from some of our customers was focused on the submissive component of the chastity process. These answers were massively varied, but followed the same general theme that there was a moment during the experience where it truly felt that they were powerless and “became a true submissive”. For these individuals, that “moment” is what it means to experience “total chastity”.

“There wasn’t one specific thing that I can think of. It was more like I’d crossed a bridge and there was no going back. I’d gone through the motions for months and yeah, it was fun and interesting. But one day it just clicked. She was in control. My cock was hers. Nothing I said or did would change that. That was my “total chastity” moment.”

It’s difficult to pin down a specific thing that would give you this “moment”. All we can really do if you’re looking for it is to keep exploring and trying different aspects of chastity, experimenting and exploring to figure out what works for you.

“Total Chastity Means Total Chastity”

Hearing these points of view from our customers was a fascinating experienced which reaffirmed our own beliefs. Total Chastity isn’t about one specific thing. It’s the whole experience that matters, and it is deeply personal.

That’s why we aim to focus on providing as much of that experience as possible. From quality cages to in depth advice. From chatting to submissives and Dominants on social media to trying out as many cages as we can. Total Chastity is our mission, and we aim to deliver it to all who want to experience it–whatever that means to you.

This guest post contains sponsored links.

Header image for Nothosaur sponsored post about ejaculating dildos

How to Use Ejaculating Dildos and Squirting Dildos

Published on by Amy

Do you enjoy the sensation, or the idea, of having someone ejaculate inside you or on your body? Getting aroused by bodily fluids such as semen (cum) is very common. You might think that you need a partner to enjoy this particular kink, but that’s not necessarily true. Enter ejaculating dildos.

Ejaculating dildos, also known as squirting dildos, are designed to squirt a liquid out of the tip in a way that mimics a bio-cock ejaculating. They typically have a bulb, syringe, or similar receptacle inside which you can fill with liquid, and then a tube that connects this to the head of the toy. There will be something you can press or squeeze to have the toy ejaculate when you want it to.

Why Use an Ejaculating Dildo?

Ejaculating dildo by Nothosaur

Playing with bodily fluids such as cum can be extremely hot. However, it also carries some risks including STI transmission and unwanted pregnancy if you are a person who can get pregnant. You may not be willing or able to take those risks, or only be willing to take them within a very specific relational context. They also require a partner or partners. If you’re single or not in a relationship where fluid exchange is part of your dynamic, an ejaculating dildo can be an accessible and safe alternative.

In addition, ejaculating dildos allow you to experiment with and indulge various kinks, fetishes, and fantasies. We’ll look at some of those in more detail below.

How to Choose and Set Up an Ejaculating Dildo

Nothosaur ejaculating dildos gif

Many ejaculating dildos are still made out of unsafe materials such as jelly, PVC and latex. These materials are porous and often contain toxic additives such as phthalates, which should not be going anywhere near your body. Always look for an ejaculating dildo made from a body-safe material, typically silicone. Consider the size, shape, texturing, and aesthetic preferences that work for you, too.

Good ejaculating dildos are easy to set up, though the specifics will vary product to product. Manufacturers usually provide instructions along with their toys. Typically you’ll need to suck up your chosen liquid into the bulb or syringe and then reattach it to the tube and the toy.

It’s also important to learn how to clean your ejaculating dildo properly. Leaving liquids such as lube inside your toy can breed bacteria and may damage the toy or lead to an infection. Again, follow the manufacturer’s instructions here. In general, silicone can be boil-sterilised for a thorough cleaning. Plastic components can be cleaned with warm water and a gentle antibacterial soap or with a body-safe sterile wipe (I buy these from an online medical supplies store.) Take particular care in creases, crevices and small parts where fluids can build up.

Which Kinds of Lube Are Best?

Nothosaur ejaculating dildos

The most common liquid to use with an ejaculating dildo is lubricant. You have a few different options to choose from here, and it depends what your main goals are in using an ejaculating dildo.

If you want to simulate the feeling of a bio-cock ejaculating as closely as possible, then “cum lube” (which is designed to mimic the look, colour and consistency of cum) is your friend. Remember to pay attention to the ingredients if the lube is going to be going inside you. Avoid ingredients like glycerin, propylene glycol, and parabens. If the lube is just going to stay on the outside of your body, this is less of a concern.

If your toy is silicone, do not use a silicone-based lube as it may damage the toy.

What Kinks and Fetishes Can You Explore with Ejaculating Dildos?

Nothosaur ejaculating dildos

Everyone who is into ejaculating dildos enjoys them in different ways and for different reasons. But if you’re curious, here are a few of the kinks, fetishes and fantasies you can explore or play out using them.

Simultaneous Climax

In reality, both partners reaching orgasm at the same time during penetrative (vaginal or anal) sex is difficult to achieve. I advocate against making it a goal, because chasing it can just stress you out and take the fun out of things.

However, if you want to feel someone ejaculate inside you at the same moment that you climax, you can easily simulate this with an ejaculating dildo. Simply press the bulb or syringe at the right moment.

Threesomes or Group Sex

Threesomes and group sex are incredibly common fantasies, but not everyone can (or wants to) act them out in reality. However, you can simulate some aspects of the experience using toys.

For example, perhaps you’re into the idea of double penetration and having both partners ejaculate inside you at the same time. If so, using an ejaculating dildo along with being penetrated by your partner, and pressing the button on the dildo at the same moment that they climax, can provide a similar physical sensation. And if you’re single or playing solo, there’s nothing to stop you using two ejaculating dildos at the same time (though this might require some impressive physical dexterity but if you can pull it off, have at it!)

Cuckolding or Chastity

Chastity refers to restricting or inhibiting someone’s ability to orgasm, either through instructions or a physical barrier such as a chastity device. Cuckolding refers to getting turned on by your partner having sexual experiences with others, often as part of a submission or humiliation kink.

Ejaculating dildos can be a great addition to these kinks and fantasies without the need to involve third parties. For example, you can make your cuckold partner watch without touching themselves while your dildo ejaculates inside you. Adding dirty talk can make the experience feel even hotter and more authentic.

Bukkake

Bukkake refers to multiple people ejaculating onto the body or face of another person. It’s a surprisingly common fetish! Ejaculating dildos can be a safe and simple way to explore this kink, enjoying the physical sensation of having cum on your body and the fantasy of multiple partners ejaculating over you.

Impregnation

Impregnation kinks are also surprisingly common. This refers to being turned on by the idea of someone getting you pregnant.

The majority of people with this kink do not actually want to become pregnant, and certainly not every time they have sex. Many people play with it by having trusted partners ejaculate inside them without barriers while using birth control. Another easy way to play with this kink without the risk of actual pregnancy is to use an ejaculating dildo.

What Do YOU Like About Ejaculating Dildos?

With any kink, the most interesting question to me is always “what appeals about this to you?”. So ask yourself why you’re drawn to ejaculating dildos. What is it about them that you like? What fantasy or interest do they hit? Your reasons might not be the same as anyone else’s, and that’s great. Sex and kink are, after all, spaces of infinite variety.

Thanks to Nothosaur for sponsoring this post! Check out their range of ejaculating dildos, fantasy toys, and much more. All views and writing mine. Images and GIFs kindly provided by Nothosaur.

Abstract header image for a Nothosaur sponsored post on why people like tentacle dildos

Why Do People Like Tentacle Dildos?

Published on by Amy

When my blog took off and I started getting comments and questions from readers regularly, common queries and “FAQs” began popping up. Some of them I expected, others surprised me. Over the last seven and a half years, a request I’ve received again and again is for recommendations for fantasy toys. Monster toys, alien toys, tentacle dildos, and so on.

I’ll be the first to admit that this isn’t really my kink. I don’t have any issue with it, of course – all consensual and risk-aware expressions of adult sexuality are good with me! – but I can’t say I ever entirely got it.

Nevertheless, clearly this kink strikes a chord with a lot of my readers and a lot of people generally. So, when the good folks at Nothosaur approached me and asked if they could sponsor a post, I thought I’d do a delve into this popular fetish.

So what is it exactly about tentacle dildos that makes them so popular?

How Common Are Tentacle Fantasies?

Tentacles for a post on why people like tentacle dildos
Image: Nothosaur

Justin Lehmiller, PhD, writing for Psychology Today, says “it’s rare, but some people fantasize about being sexually dominated by creatures with tentacles.”

Far be it for me to question the fantastic Dr Lehmiller, but I want to ask… is it rare? Okay, tentacle fantasies are probably less common than (say) fantasies of being spanked or tied up, but the fact that there’s an enormous and booming industry around tentacle-themed erotic content and toys tells me it’s actually at least somewhat common.

As with most sex-related things, reliable statistics are notoriously hard to find. So in terms of how common this fetish is, I don’t really know. But I feel safe in saying that if you do have this kink, you’re in very good company… and probably more company than you think.

By the way: just to bust a common misconception, having tentacle fantasies or enjoying tentacle dildos does not imply that a person is in any way interested in bestiality or sexually abusing animals.

So Why Do People Like Tentacle Dildos?

Nothosaur tentacle dildos
Image: Nothosaur

Whenever people ask, “why are people into that?” about a particular kink. I want to turn the question around. To me, the most interesting question isn’t “why do people like that?” The most interesting question is why do you, specifically, like that?

You might not know why a particular kink or fetish appeals to you, of course. And that’s okay. We don’t have to analyse where our fetishes come from to enjoy them.

With that said, let’s look at a few of the reasons that people might enjoy tentacle dildos.

Enacting a Fantasy

As we’ve already mentioned, fantasies involving tentacles are pretty common.

Some fantasies are easier to bring to life – for example, through roleplay scenes – than others. For those that are more based in the fantastical, toys can be an amazing way to help them feel more real.

The Allure of the Taboo

Sexual fantasies are often based in the taboo – things that feel edgy, transgressive, or even wrong, things that push up against social norms and ideas of what types of sex are “okay” to have, to want, to fantasise about.

Dr Lehmiller writes, “The entire concept of a sexual “taboo” is inherently arbitrary because what is considered taboo in one time, context, or culture may be considered perfectly normal in another.” In most places and contexts, despite how common they are, I think it’s fair to say that tentacle fantasies would be considered taboo. This, in itself, could explain part of their allure.

Shape and Texture

Tentacle toys tend to be wider at the bottom and narrower at the top. They are usually at least somewhat flexible, and often feature a lot of intense texturing. Designs with lots of little “suckers”, for example, are common. There are variations, of course, but this is the general theme.

And what do these features have in common? They can all make a toy feel really, really good.

Tapered toys with at least some flex are great for targeted stimulation of the G-spot or prostate. Toys that are narrower at the tip are often easier and more comfortable to insert. And texturing offers additional stimulation possibilities both internally and externally.

Versatility

One of the most fun things about fantasy sex toys is that there are virtually no hard and fast rules. If it can be molded out of silicone or another appropriate material, it can probably be made. So no matter the shape, size, colour, or texture you’re looking for, you’re likely to be able to find a toy that fits the bill.

And if the toy you envision isn’t available? Many fantasy toy makers will be happy to work with you to create it for you.

Size and Length Preferences

For some reason, the crossover between the “fantasy toys” market and the “very large toys” market seems to be significant. The shape and design of tentacle dildos lends itself very well to large toys, particularly those that prioritise length.

On the flip side, the slimline design of many tentacle toys is great for those who prefer narrower toys over girthier ones.

Non-Phallic Appearance

Many people of all genders and sexual orientations enjoy penetration (vaginal, anal, or both.) But for all sorts of reasons, not everyone enjoys or feels comfortable being penetrated by something that looks like a penis.

This is one of the reasons that abstract sex toys are so popular, from beautiful glass and metal designs to silicone in a dizzying array of textures and colours. It’s also one of the appeals of fantasy toys. Want to fuck yourself with something that looks like a unicorn horn, a plant, an ice-cream cone, or – yes – a tentacle? Fantasy toys have got you covered.

Choosing the Right Tentacle Toy for You

With so many tentacle toys out there, how can you decide which one to choose? You might find that a particular toy calls to you when you see it. If not, here are a few factors you can use to help you decide:

  • Colours and aesthetics. Yes, this matters! Choose a toy that will be a joy to look at and use.
  • Size. Do you want a large toy or a smaller one? Does girth or length matter more to you?
  • Texture. Would you prefer a smoother toy, or one with a lot of texture? Heavily textured toys tend to feel more intense.
  • Flexibility and firmness. Do you want a firm and rigid toy, or a softer and more flexible one? Firmer toys are more intense, while more flexible ones are gentler and can be more comfortable for beginners.
  • Vaginal or anal use (or both?) If you’re going to use your toy anally, it must have a large flared base.

Nothosaur: One Stop Shop for Tentacle Dildos and Other Fantasy Sex Toys

Nothosaur carries a large range of tentacle dildos and other fantasy dildos as well as plugs, grinders, eggs, and more. Whether you’re a fantasy toys aficionado or just exploring tentacle toys for the first time, check them out.

And look out for my review of one of their products, also coming soon!

This post was sponsored. All views and writing are, as always, my own.

Header image for a chastity cage guide for buyers featuring a close up of a heart shaped padlock

Chastity Cage Guide for Buyers: Materials, Sizing, and More

Published on by Amy

If you’re looking to buy a chastity cage – whether you’re buying your first device or upgrading from your existing cage to a better one – there are lots of factors you’ll need to take into consideration. Many chastity novices make the mistake of grabbing the first cage they see from Amazon or a generic sex toy store, without really understanding how to choose a chastity device that works for their body and play preferences. That’s why I’ve partnered with LockTheCock once again to bring you this chastity cage guide for buyers. We’ll cover materials, finding your size, and everything else you need to know to find and buy the best chastity device for you.

Chastity Cage Guide to Materials

Chastity cages are available in a range of materials, the most common of which are metal, silicone, and ABS plastic. There are advantages and disadvantages to each material, and you’ll need to understand a few things about your preferences to make the best choice for you.

All of these materials are non-porous, body-safe, and easy to clean and maintain. Even so, always remember to remove your device regularly to clean it and to give your body a break regardless of which material you choose.

Silicone Cages

Those of you who read my sex toy reviews will know that I love silicone as a material. It is soft and relatively flexible, as well as durable, easy to clean, and completely body-safe. Silicone chastity devices offer more “give” than metal or plastic alternatives, and are likely to be comfortable to wear. If you’re doing long-term chastity, a silicone cage may also be kinder and potentially safer for your body.

Silicone chastity devices are ideal for beginners, those doing longer lockups, and anyone who finds a softer cage more comfortable or practical. They are available in lots of colours, but fewer different designs and styles.

Plastic Cages

Plastic cages are a good choice if you are looking for something more rigid and restrictive than silicone but cheaper than metal. It is a lighter material than metal, so may be more comfortable for longer-term wear, but can also be less sturdy and ultimately likely won’t last as long.

Plastic chastity cages also offer the most options in terms of colours and styles to choose from.

Metal Cages

Stainless steel is the most common material for metal chastity cages, though some are made of other metals or metal alloys so always double check if you have an allergy or sensitivity. Metal chastity cages are completely unyielding and can therefore be more restrictive than other kinds. Many also find the aesthetic of them incredibly sexy.

Metal cages strike a kinky chord with many users, but they can also be more expensive than other materials. Colour options are also more limited.

Sizes, Fitting, and Measuring

Like penises, chastity devices come in a wide range of sizes. Before you buy your device, you’ll need to measure yourself to ensure you are getting a cage that fits you and is safe for your body to wear. A device that is too big is unlikely to give you the feeling of restriction you desire (and may slip off), and a device that is too small can be extremely uncomfortable or even dangerous.

LockTheCock has a comprehensive guide to measuring yourself for your chastity cage, so we’ll just look at some highlights in this section. Measure when your penis is flaccid and, ideally, after a hot bath or shower.

Finding Your Ring Size

A cock cage has two main sections: the ring and the tube.

LockTheCock chastity cage guide measuring infographic
Image: LockTheCock

The ring of a chastity cage sits around the base of your penis and behind your testicles. To measure for your ring size, wrap a cloth tapemeasure all the way around your penis and testicles at the base to get the circumference. Divide this number by pi (3.14). The resulting number is the diameter, and you should buy the ring that is the closest to that number.

For example, a circumference of 16cm/6.2″ will give you a diameter of 5.09cm/2″, so you’d buy your chosen cage in the size with a ring closest to 2″. Some cages come with multiple rings automatically.

Finding Your Tube Size

Next, you’ll need to measure your penis’s length for the tube of the chastity cage. Again, measure when flaccid. This time, a straight ruler is best and this step may be easier with a partner’s help, if possible.

Stand up straight, then place the ruler against the base of your penis at the top, press it firmly against your pubic bone, and lay it across the length of your penis like this:

LockTheCock chastity cage guide to measuring infographic
Image: LockTheCock

To get your chastity cage size, subtract between 0.25″ and 0.5″ from your measurement. For example, if your penis measures 5″ in length when flaccid, you’ll need a cage with a tube between 4.5″ and 4.75″.

Other Considerations

Understanding your size and choosing the right material for you are two of the most important steps in choosing a chastity cage. But there are other considerations, too – so in the interests of providing a comprehensive chastity cage guide for buyers, here are a few other things you might want to think about.

How Do You Want to Feel?

Chastity, like many kink activities, is ultimately about the feelings it invokes – both physically and psychologically. So understand how you think you might want to feel during your chastity play.

Do you want to notice your chastity cage every time you move, or set it and forget it until you’re ready to play? Do you want tight restriction or a gentler sensation? In terms of psychological feelings, do you want to feel safe? Owned or possessed? Humiliated? Tormented?

There are no right and wrong answers here. Like all kink, it’s deeply personal and will be unique for everyone. Take time to figure out what feels true for you.

Budget

Chastity cages can range in price from under $20 for a basic device up to hundreds of dollars for a custom piece. Most will fall somewhere in the middle. You’ll likely have an idea of your budget and want to stick to it. In general, silicone and plastic devices are cheaper than metal, and more basic designs are cheaper than those with lots of additional features.

Aesthetics

Yes, looks matter to many people when it comes to toys and devices! Your chastity cage is going to be worn on your body, after all, so you want to make sure you’ll feel good and feel like “you” in it.

Consider the appearance of the material, the colour, and the style you want. Do you want something simple or fancy? Any particular colours you love or hate? Do you prefer a typically masculine-coded aesthetic, or something more neutral or even feminine-coded?

Additional Features

Some chastity cages come with extra features, such as app compatibility (ideal for long-distance relationships) or inbuilt stimulation options such as electrostim or vibrations. Of course, the more features you want, the more expensive your cage will be. Some will find that these additions greatly enhance their play, though. Have a think about what additional features matter to you, if any.

What Does Your Dominant Prefer?

You might be doing chastity play alone, in which case only your preferences matter. On the other hand, perhaps you have a Dominant who is going to act as your keyholder. If so, don’t forget to take their thoughts and preferences into account. Choosing a chastity cage for partnered play should be a collaborative process and can be incredibly hot in itself.

Thanks to LockTheCock for sponsoring this chastity cage guide and also for sponsoring the site! All views and writing are, as always, my own.

Ppunson best sex dolls sponsored post header featuring a large busted torso sex doll

How to Choose the Best Sex Doll for You

Published on by Amy

Sex dolls seem to be growing in popularity all the time, with more and more manufacturers and retailers popping up offering them in a huge variety of styles, shapes, sizes, and designs.

The stigma against sex dolls also seems to be slowly reducing as more people come to understand that sex toys are for everyone and that owning one (or several, or many) doesn’t say anything negative about a person’s character, desirability, sexual prowess, or gender.

But with so many options now available, where do you start when shopping for a sex doll? What are the best sex dolls and how can you choose the best sex doll for you? If you’ve never bought one before, it can be confusing and overwhelming to say the least.

Here are six things to consider when you’re thinking about buying your first sex doll.

Sex doll by PPUNSON lying on its side

Get clear on why you want a sex doll

People buy sex dolls for all kinds of reasons, and they’re all equally valid. From trying out new sexual techniques to building sexual confidence to experimenting with group sex fantasies without the emotional risk, your reasons for buying a sex doll will be completely personal.

Are you looking to fulfil a particular and specific fantasy, or just seeking a general-use toy? Will your partner, if you have one, be using the doll as well or is it just for you? What is it, specifically, about the concept and the reality of sex dolls that appeals to you?

Once you understand why you want to get a sex doll, you’ll be able to start formulating a clearer idea of what type is most likely to work for you.

Think about what traits you find attractive

Sex dolls are not designed to be replacements for human partners. However, if there are particular traits you find attractive (such as large breasts, an hourglass figure, or a muscular chest) then you will probably be able to find a doll that boasts those features.

Some sex dolls are designed to be fairly realistic in their appearance. Others, however, often have exaggerated versions of human features. This means it’s vital to keep in mind that, while sex dolls are simply sex toys and completely harmless to use, it’s important not to compare your human partners’ bodies to them.

When you fantasise about using a sex doll, what’s in your mind?

Presumably you have fantasised about using a sex doll at least occasionally to get to the point where you are considering buying one. When you have those fantasies, what type of doll do you imagine? Try to hone in on the specifics as much as you can.

What shape and size is the sex doll you think about? What type of features does it have? How are you using it, and how might its design impact that use? Once you can picture your ideal sex doll, you can start shopping for something that fits the bill.

Consider size

Sex dolls come in various shapes and sizes, from “life size” dolls roughly the size of an average human through to miniature versions and those only encompassing a small portion of the body (torso dolls or butt/genitals dolls, for example.)

When you’re choosing the best sex dolls for you, don’t forget about the practicalities. That life-size doll might be super sexy, but is it really going to fit in your tiny studio apartment? Where will you hide it when the family comes to visit? If you are going to be travelling with your sex doll, you might likewise want to choose a smaller one.

On the other hand, full size dolls can offer a more realistic experience in use. If that’s important to you, you might decide that finding the extra storage space is worth it. There’s no right or wrong here, but think it through before you hit the purchase button.

Understand sex doll materials and care considerations

Sex dolls can be made out of several different materials, but thermoplastic elastomer (TPE) and silicone are by far the most common.

Silicone dolls tend to be more expensive than TPE dolls, but are also likely to last longer because silicone is a non-porous material. With good care and cleaning, TPE dolls can last for a good while. However, you’ll need to keep an eye on the material (watch for discolouration, dark spots, or bad smells) and avoid sharing them for safety and hygiene reasons. Using a condom can also help your sex doll to last longer.

You can use water-based lube with any sex doll material, but should avoid using silicone lube with a silicone doll as this can cause a chemical reaction that may damage the material.

What’s your budget?

Sex dolls are available at a wide array of price points, from tens of dollars up to thousands of dollars. Prices vary according to size, material, manufacturer, complexity of design, customization options, and more. So when you start shopping for a sex doll, have a budget in mind.

If you’re prepared to drop the money for it, you can have a sex doll customized in virtually any way you like. If you’re on a budget on the other hand, you may be surprised at how many affordable options are out there for you to choose from.

Thanks to PPUNSON for sponsoring this post. All writing and views are, as always, mine. Image by PPUNSON.

Header image featuring a red heart padlock and set of keys for a post on extreme chastity

What is Extreme Chastity and How Can You Explore It Safely?

Published on by Amy

Chastity kink is a lot more popular than you might think. Though we most commonly hear about “male chastity” (a bit of a misnomer, since not everyone with a penis is a man), this kink is common amongst kinksters of all genders and can be practiced by people with all genital configurations. But what if you’ve been experimenting with chastity for a while and you’re looking for something a bit more intense? That’s when you might start looking into more extreme chastity play activities.

First, What is Chastity?

In short, chastity is all about restricting someone’s ability to feel sexual pleasure and/or to reach orgasm for the purposes of fun, arousal, and kink. Chastity can be mental (i.e. “I don’t touch myself or orgasm because my Dominant has instructed me not to”,) but it can also involve physical restriction of the cock or vulva/clitoris through the use of a device such as a chastity belt or chastity cage.

People enjoy chastity kink for all kinds of reasons. It can make them feel more submissive, it can feed into a humiliation kink, it can be connected to cuckolding, or it can simply lead to a more intense orgasm when release is finally permitted.

So What is Extreme Chastity?

Sex and kink are inherently subjective. This means that your definition of “extreme” will not be the same as someone else’s, and that’s okay! Ultimately, “extreme chastity” is whatever it means to you. There is no competition in kink and you do not have to live up to anyone else’s ideal of the right way to do things or the right level of intensity to strive for.

In general, when we refer to extreme chastity, we are referring to anything that pushes at your edges and challenges you more than what you have been doing so far. Sound interesting? Let’s look at a few ways you might want to explore it.

Experiment with Longer Lock-Ups

Whether you’re doing mental or physical chastity (or a combination of both), one way to up the ante is to go for longer periods of time between orgasms. If you’ve done a day, try a weekend. If a weekend feels easy, try a week. Once a week feels doable, why not extent to two weeks, a month, or even longer?

Long-term chastity isn’t for everyone, and it’s fine if you only enjoy short lock-ups or periods of denial. But if you find yourself craving more, simply extending your chastity is one great way to do that.

If you’re wearing a chastity device, it’s important to be aware of the safety implications of wearing one for long periods of time. Dan Savage did a great article on this subject, with insights from a urologist on the risks and ways to keep yourself safe.

Add a Little Pain

Not all submissives enjoy pain play. If you do, though, adding pain to your chastity play can be a hot way to take things to the next level. This might include activities like impact play to the genitals, electrostimulation (for example, using a violet or neon wand), urethral sounding, or hot wax play.

If you’re going to do any of these activities, it’s important to get proper tuition and learn how to do them safely. Like all BDSM activities, they carry some inherent risk and applying pain to the genitals is riskier than other areas (such as the upper back or butt.) Most importantly, go slowly and stop if anything doesn’t feel right.

Many people find that they can take more pain when they are very horny. So you might find that, the longer you are in chastity, the more your pain tolerance rises.

Try a Different Type of Cage

Some chastity cages are designed to increase the intensity and extremity of your play. They can have features built in such as sounds, spikes, or electrostim capabilities to add additional pain or pleasure. If you’re used to wearing a device, experimenting with a more extreme chastity cage or device can be a good way to try out something a little more intense to see if you enjoy it.

Play with Ruined Orgasms

When most people think of chastity, they think of a lack of sexual pleasure and orgasm. But ruined orgasms are also very popular amongst chastity kinksters. To give someone a ruined orgasm, you bring them to the point of climax and then stop all stimulation just as they tip over the edge. You can also do it to yourself, of course, though this requires a level of discipline and self-control that not everyone has.

People experience ruined orgasms differently. Some find that they bring some relief from arousal, while others find they make it worse. For some people, they are even painful. To some submissives they are a reward, while to others they are a punishment. The only way to know what’s true for you is to try it out.

Consider Cuckolding

Cockolding is a separate kink and not inherently connected to chastity, though the two often go together. In a nutshell, cuckolding is enjoying watching your partner have sex with another person (or hearing about their adventures after they’ve had sex with someone else.) Many people use it in conjuction with chastity to add an element of humiliation, emotional masochism, voyeurism and exhibition, or other related kinks to their play.

This kink is not to be taken lightly and I could easily write an entire piece on how to explore it. It’s a form of consensual non-monogamy, which isn’t for everyone. It can bring up surprisingly intense emotions in reality even if you’re totally into the fantasy. If you do decide to explore it – especically if you’ve been monogamous until now – then go very slowly, communicate at every stage, and be prepared for intense and unexpected feelings to arise.

How do you increase the intensity of your chastity play?

Thanks to Lock the Cock for sponsoring this post. All writing and views are, as always, mine!

Anal sex myths post header featuring three butt plugs: silicone, glass, and stainless steel.

4 Anal Sex Myths You Should Stop Believing

Published on by Amy

Anal sex is probably one of the most misunderstood sex acts of all. It carries an allure for a lot of people, whether they want to be on the giving end or the receiving end or both. However, it also scares a lot of people. This is, in part, due to incorrect assumptions and beliefs. Anal sex myths can scare people off who might otherwise be interested in trying this type of play. They can also lead people to engage in dangerous behaviours or take unnecessary risks due to a lack of knowledge.

Here at C&K, we’re all about fact-based and non-stigmatising information. So let’s bust some anal sex myths, shall we?

Anal Sex Always Hurts

This is perhaps one of the most harmful anal sex myths, and actually likely leads to more avoidable pain and injuries. After all, if you think anal is supposed to hurt you’ll be more likely to push through pain, which can be dangerous. In fact, though anal can be intense and some mild discomfort can be normal, pain is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong.

With proper lubrication, warm-up, enthusiastic consent, and communication with your partner, anal sex does not need to be – and should not be – painful. If something hurts it’s time to adjust, add more lube, or stop for now.

And by the way: those “numbing” or “desensitizing” lubes designed for anal sex? Avoid them at all costs. The ingredients in them can be harmful, they increase your risk of injury, and (frankly) if you have to numb your body to engage in a particular sex act, then you probably shouldn’t be doing that thing at all.

It Isn’t Pleasurable for the Bottom

This particular myth always strikes me as really sad, particularly when I see questions from people who are trying to grit their teeth and force themselves into anal sex they don’t want to please their partner.

Anal sex isn’t pleasurable for everyone and, if you don’t enjoy it, then you shouldn’t do it! However, if you do want to, it can be just as pleasurable for the bottom (the person being penetrated) as for the top (the person doing the penetrating.) Think about it: if anal sex wasn’t pleasurable for the receptive partner, why would anal sex toys such as butt plugs and prostate massagers be so popular?

One of the reasons that anal sex can feel so pleasurable for cis men and other people assigned male at birth is due to the prostate. Approximately the size and shape of a walnut, this gland is located just below the bladder and in front of the rectum. It is responsible for producing some of the fluid in semen and, when stimulated, it is incredibly sensitive.

However, anal sex isn’t all about the prostate, and can be just as pleasurable for receptive partners who do not have one. There are still tonnes of highly sensitive nerve endings in and around the butt, which can feel incredible. And, of course, it is located close to the genitals. According to a 2022 study on (cis) women’s experiences of anal pleasure: “[the anus] contains a dense network of sensory nerves that participate with the genitals in the engorgement, muscular tension and contractions of sexual arousal and orgasm.”

Yes, it’s even possible for some people to have an orgasm from anal sex without any direct stimulation of the genitals! Aren’t bodies awesome?

Anal Sex is Only For Gay Men (Or All Gay Men Have Anal Sex)

Wrong on both counts! Many of the most common anal sex myths centre on sexual orientation, from who engages in it to what it means about your sexuality if you do.

Firstly, anal sex is for anyone who wants to have it. We all have a butt, after all! Liking or not liking anal sex doesn’t imply a single thing about your sexuality. Your sexual orientation is about who you’re attracted to, not which acts you want to do.

Also, not all men who have sex with men (MSM) have anal sex. One 2011 survey of almost 25,000 gay and bisexual men in the US found that only 35% of respondents had had anal sex during their last sexual encounter. Some queer men do it regularly, some do it occasionally, and some never do it at all. All of this is completely normal and awesome.

You Can’t Get Pregnant, So Anal Sex is Safe Sex

It’s true, of course, that a person cannot become pregnant from anal sex, but the idea that this makes it safe is a myth. Like all forms of sex, anal has some risks.

In fact, when it comes to the transmission of STIs, unprotected anal sex is actually riskier than most other kinds of sexual activity including unprotected vaginal sex. However, it’s easy to mitigate this risk with a few basic precautions.

The best way to protect yourself and your partner(s) is to use a condom every time you have anal sex. If you choose to go barrier-free for anal – which I only recommend in the context of an ongoing relationship with someone you trust – make sure that both you and your partner(s) are having regular sexual health screenings.

You might also want to ask your healthcare provider if pre-exposure prophylaxis, or PrEP, is suitable for you. PrEP is a daily medication for people at risk of exposure to HIV, whether through sex or through drug use. According to the CDC, it reduces the risk of contracting HIV through sex by about 99% when used as directed.

FYI: this post was sponsored. All writing and views are, as always, entirely my own.

What does inclusive sex toy design for the LGBTQ+ community look like? Header image with rainbow corner. Sponsored post in partnership with Arosum

What Does Inclusive Sex Toy Design for the LGBTQ+ Community Look Like?

Published on by Amy

I believe, and have believed since the first day I started working in this industry, that sex toys are for everyone. Unfortunately, sex toy design and marketing often fail to live up to this ideal. Toy retailers are often unintentionally exclusionary at best, and outright offensive at worst. But what does it actually look like to create and market inclusive sex toys? Today, in partnership with Arosum, I want to look at this question specifically through the lens of LGBTQ+ experiences.

No Sex Toy Design Will Suit Everyone

There are so many reasons I cringe when I see phrases like “best ever sex toy for women!” and “orgasm guaranteed!” in sex toy marketing copy. The main one, though, is that sex—and bodies—simply do not work that way. We’re all different. Our bodies, minds, and relationships have diverse needs. This means that it is absolutely impossible to design a sex toy that will work for everyone or to guarantee that a product will work for any particular individual.

With that in mind, let’s look at a few different ways that sex toy design can become more inclusive for the LGBTQ+ community. Hint: I love colourful Pride-themed things as much as anyone, but this issue is much more complicated than just slapping a rainbow on something during the month of June.

This post is by no means meant to be exhaustive, but includes some considerations for sex toy designers and makers who want to be LGBTQ+ inclusive to think about.

Inclusive Sex Toy Design for Diverse Bodies and Preferences

LGBTQ+ people’s bodies can look and function in a whole myriad of different ways, and inclusive sex toy design accounts for this beautiful variety. It is essential for inclusive sex toy design to not only consider but to centre trans, non-binary, and gender-diverse bodies.

Arosum has recently released two new products, the G-Snuggle and the LushVibe, that are specifically crafted for people with tighter or narrower vaginal canals. This might include trans women who have undergone gender confirmation surgery, some intersex people, and cis women, trans men and AFAB non-binary people who suffer from conditions such as vaginismus. Arosum has designed these toys with a slim design and a unique hooked tip shaped like a bean sprout that applies gentle pressure to the vaginal walls.

To be honest, even as a cis woman who simply prefers slimmer toys for penetration most of the time, I think I’d enjoy these products. It’s really nice to see companies breaking the “bigger is always better” narrative when it comes to toys. (The Arosum LushVibe, by the way, is also suitable for anal use.)

Toys that are useable when flaccid are also popular amongst some trans women and non-binary people who take estrogen, which can affect erections. I’m eternally disappointed that one of the best sex toy designs in this category, the Hot Octopuss Pulse, is marketed with the cringeworthily-gendered term “Guybrator.” Wand vibrators are another great gender-neutral option, because high-powered vibration feels awesome for most genitals.

Highly versatile toys, in general, are wonderful and there should be more of them.

Sex Toys and Gender

Sex toys can play a role in gender affirmation, too. Simply de-gendering your toys entirely is a step in the right direction and can help you to avoid inadvertently causing gender dysphoria.

There are even toys specifically designed with gender affirmation in mind. For example, there are strokers designed specifically for trans men and transmasculine people who have experienced bottom growth due to taking testosterone. And pack-and-plays allow wearers to both pack (create the look and feel of having a penis) and have sex with the same cock.

Toy Kits for Couples

Something that’s tremendously popular in the sex toy industry is bundles or kits for couples. Some of these sets include two toys, one for each person. Sometimes the two products will link up or work together in some way (such as through an app. Isn’t technology marvellous?) Others include multiple toys, kink and BDSM items, or a mix.

But these bundles are, with very few exceptions that you really have to go looking for, incredibly cisheteronormative in their marketing and design. I’d love to see LGBTQ+ toy manufacturers like Arosum designing sets and kits for couples with the same genitals… and for couples with different genitals but without the “his & hers” marketing.

Be Aware of Other Intersections for More Exclusive Sex Toy Design

Privilege and oppression exists as a huge and complex system of intersecting identities. This means that, when designing products with the LGBTQ+ community in mind, it’s important to consider other intersections of identity and experience as well.

For example, the sex toy industry has a huge and ongoing racism problem. “Historically, “flesh” dildos and vibrators were the color of Caucasian skin,” writes Hallie Lieberman. This is still a common occurrence and, when sex toy designs are available in other skin colours at all, companies often market them using problematic or even outright racist language. In the same article Shani Hart, CEO of the Hart’s Desires boutique in the D.C. area, calls out the “racist and derogatory” packaging and marketing copy that still appears far too often in this industry.

Disability inclusion matters, too, and it’s important to remember that disability doesn’t look just one way. Disabled writer, advocate, and sex worker Ruby Rousson writes that “Nearly every toy I’ve come across has not been designed with accessibility in mind. Whilst we’re slowly getting there, we’re not there yet.” Size, weight, shape, button size and placement, positioning, care and cleaning, and noise are just some of the factors you’ll need to consider when it comes to disability-friendly sex toy design. Even then, you should probably avoid claiming that your toy is “good for disabled people” without specifying what that actually means.

The Words and Images You Use Matter

Okay, this is a sex toy marketing issue rather than a sex toy design issue, but it’s all intricately connected. Think about the language and images you’re using when you market your toys. Are you using a lot of images of cisgender, heterosexual-presenting people and couples? If so, your LGBTQ+ audience is unlikely to see itself represented and will probably feel excluded by your marketing.

Are you using gendered language? If so, that should be the first thing to go. For example, not everyone with a vulva is a woman and not all women have vulvas, so marketing a clitoral vibrator as a “toy for women” is exclusionary and alienating.

Think about language around sexual orientation and gender identity, too. I advocate against categorising toys by sexuality because, well, inanimate objects don’t have sexual orientations. You might think it’s inclusive to categorise a strap-on, for example, as “for lesbians.” But people of a huge array of sexualities, genders, and relationship configurations can and do use these toys.

If In Doubt, Ask

Remember that, when designing and marketing products for the LGBTQ+ community, you should actually ask us for feedback! Even if you and your team are part of the community, you probably don’t have every single identity under the LGBTQ+ umbrella represented and your experience won’t be someone else’s experience. Always seek the direct input of the individuals and communities you’re looking to serve.

Thanks to Arosum for sponsoring this post on inclusive sex toy design. Check out Arosum’s range of products designed with LGBTQ+ people in mind! All writing and views are, as always, my own.