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What is a Female-Led Relationship? FLR 101

Published on December 5, 2022March 21, 2026 by Amy1 Comment

Inequality in heterosexual relationships, from the persistent gender pay gap and unequal division of household labour to the orgasm gap, is remarkably persistent under patriarchy. Most of us would agree that eliminating inequality and creating more equal and balanced relationships is a good thing. But for some people, a consensual and negotiated imbalance of power is actually what they want in their relationships. This type of dynamic is often called a Dominant/submissive, or D/s, relationship. Today we’re taking a close look at one such type of BDSM dynamic: female-led relationships, or FLR.

FLR 101: What is a Female-Led Relationship?

In general, the term female-lead relationship (FLR) is used to refer to a heterosexual (or hetero-read, because some people in FLRs may be bisexual, pansexual, or queer) BDSM relationship in which the woman is in charge.

The level of control in an FLR can vary significantly, depending on what the people involved want. It might be as simple as the woman taking charge of the majority of day-to-day decision-making within the relationship, or as complex as intricate systems of rules with consequences, rewards, and punishments built in. The term FLR is usually applied when the D/s aspect of the relationship extends beyond the bedroom, though this isn’t an absolute rule.

Some people view FLR as simply “role reversal,” but it’s not that simple. A female-led relationship isn’t about reversing gender inequality. It’s not about placing a man into the subservient, second class role that women have historically been forced to occupy. Instead, it is about consensual and negotiated inequality that exists for the enjoyment and fulfilment of both parties.

The cornerstone of FLR and any other form of D/s is consent. Either partner must be able to withdraw that consent at any time.

Gender inequality under patriarchy is rooted in misogyny and male supremacy. FLR is not rooted in hatred of men or female supremacy, but in mutually satisfying and negotiated relationships between people who care for one another.

Why Does FLR Strike a Chord with So Many?

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” So goes the likely-apocryphal quote often attributed to Oscar Wilde.

D/s relationships of all kinds may strike a chord with people because power and sexuality are so inextricably linked. This can mean that playing with power and power imbalances in a consensual context can be incredibly sexy.

There are numerous other reasons why someone might enjoy an FLR BDSM dynamic, and the only way to know what is true for any individual is to ask them. For some men who submit to their female partners, it’s about having a break from the responsibilities they have in their day to day lives (many men who are submissive at home have high-flying, high-pressure jobs.)

Some men also find that taking on a submissive role frees them from the expectations and constraints of toxic masculinity. Submitting allows them to be vulnerable, to stop fearing appearing “weak,” and to be taken care of by a trusted partner.

For dominant women, some enjoy the feeling of power and strength that comes from taking on a dominant role. It can be highly erotically charged to have someone do exactly as you tell them, in or out of the bedroom.

Many dominant women also find that their submissive partners are more attentive to their needs, increasing their sexual and romantic satisfaction in the relationship. Being dominant can also involve taking care of your partner, and some women enjoy bringing a nurturing side to their BDSM through FLR.

The more interesting question is always “why does FLR strike a chord with you?” If you can answer this question, you’ll have the best chance of building the relationship that works for you and your partner.

Female-Led Relationships and Chastity: What’s the Connection?

Many, though not all, female-led relationships include an element of chastity play. Chastity refers to restricting someone’s ability to experience sexual pleasure or reach orgasm. It often involves the use of a chastity cage or chastity device, which physically prevents the wearer from masturbating, having sex, and sometimes even getting an erection. Chastity can also be practiced without a device, relying on psychological power and an “honour system.”

People in FLRs practice chastity in many different ways. Some do it occasionally as a form of foreplay, increasing desire and ramping up the tension before sex or a play session. Others lock their partners up long term, anything from days to weeks or months at a time. Chastity play may also include periods of tease and denial or edging—bringing someone close to orgasm without letting them go over the edge.

Chastity play can be hot for so many reasons. Most obviously, not allowing release for a period of time increases arousal. This allows desire to build and build with nowhere to go. It can also make the eventual orgasm so much more intense. Handing someone else control of your sexual pleasure is, for some people, the ultimate act of submission.

Don’t forget to play safe if you’re doing chastity, particularly long-term chastity. Dan Savage spoke to a certified urologist in this article, who offered some thoughts on the potential risks and some of the ways to mitigate them.

You must assess your own level of acceptable risk. Either way, it’s probably smart to take off your device and give your cock a break once in a while. You should also ensure that the wearer always has a spare key in case of emergencies. You can also read more about chastity safety and hygiene here.

What Makes a Successful FLR BDSM Dynamic?

Ultimately, FLR and other BDSM dynamics are still relationships. This means that all the ingredients that go into making any relationship work still apply here. Trust, communication, and compassion must be front and centre at all times.

Taking on a dominant role in a relationship is a position of great responsibility. This means that you need a lot of trust, and that this trust must go both ways. The submissive man needs to know that his partner will respect his limits, honour his vulnerabilities, and act in his best interests. And the dominant woman needs to trust that her partner will be honest about his needs and boundaries, speak up if something is wrong, and treat her as a full human being and not a fetish fulfillment machine.

Even if you are living in an FLR or any BDSM dynamic full-time, it is vital to be able to step out of role and communicate with one another as equals when required. I always recommend setting aside time for a regular check-in in any D/s relationship. This gives you time to address any issues and ensures that problems won’t be left to fester. You can also agree on a specific safeword which means “I need to talk to you as equals right now.”

Compassion means treating each other with kindness, consideration, and empathy. Even in a D/s relationship, life is still life and you will both have good days and bad days. While FLR can be a central component of your relationship, it should never override seeing one another as partners first and foremost.

How Can I Find a Partner for an FLR BDSM Dynamic?

Glance at any BDSM forum or discussion space, and you’ll find complaints that submissive men enormously outnumber dominant women. I don’t know whether this is actually true, as there aren’t any reliable statistics on this as far as I know.

What I do know is that there are likely far more kinky people out there than you think, and that there are things you can do to improve your chances of finding the Domme of your dreams as a single submissive man. All of these guidelines also apply if you’re a dominant woman seeking a submissive, too.

First, get involved in your local BDSM community. This is the best way to meet other people who might be interested in this kind of lifestyle. Complete your Fetlife profile, attend some munches and play events, and get to know people. The trick here is to treat everyone as a potential friend, not a potential partner. You’ll build a positive reputation, start getting invited to more events and parties, and the rest will follow.

Next, be yourself. There’s no point putting on an act that represents what you think a dominant or submissive is “supposed” to be. You want to end up in a relationship with someone who loves you for who you really are.

Remember: A Female-Led Relationship is Still a Relationship

Approach any potential FLR or other BDSM dynamic as a relationship first. Compatible kinks and desires are important, but they’re not enough to sustain a relationship by themselves. You’ll also need to enjoy each other’s company, respect each other, have fun together, and have compatible long-term goals.

Finally, be patient. It can take a while to find the right person, but when you do, the rewards can be tremendous.

I’d like to thank today’s sponsor, LockTheCock, for their kind support of this post. Check out their wide range of chastity cages and accessories on their website! All views and writing are, as always, my own.

[Toy Review] Womanizer Marilyn Monroe™ Clitoral Stimulator

Published on December 2, 2022March 21, 2026 by Amy

I’m really not sure how I feel about Womanizer naming a sex toy after Marilyn Monroe. Some believe it’s a fitting tribute and celebration of Monroe as a symbol of empowerment. Others believe it is deeply problematic to use the name of a woman who was sexually abused and continually sexually objectified during her life in this way.

It’s also worth noting that Monroe clearly cannot consent to this use of her name and likeness. Choosing a living celebrity capable of giving consent (such as Womanizer’s previous collaboration with Lily Allen) would have made this whole thing far more comfortable. As it is, I’m left feeling kinda “ick” about it, to be honest.

With that said, what’s it like as a toy?

Womanizer Marilyn Monroe: Details

The Womanizer Marilyn Monroe is actually simply a limited edition redesign of the Womanizer Classic 2. The Classic is Womanizer’s mid-range toy. It offers a more luxurious product than the entry-level Starlet and Liberty products at a more affordable price-point (albeit with fewer fancy bonus features) than the Premium. It utilises Womanizer’s signature Pleasure Air technology, surrounding your clitoris with the nozzle and then stimulating it via rapid pulses of air.

The Womanizer Marilyn Monroe edition is available in four new colourways. There’s marbled white (which I received), marbled black, mint green, and bright red. It’s a very pretty toy. The marbling effect is striking and unusual.

The toy arrived beautifully packaged in one of Womanizer’s signature boxes. I always think these look like the packaging for high-end perfume. Along with the toy, in the box you’ll find a spare nozzle, a storage bag, instruction leaflets, and a magnetic charging cable.

The Womanizer Marilyn Monroe body is made of soft-touch plastic, and the removable nozzle is made of body-safe and easy-clean silicone. The toy is fully waterproof. It also comes with a five-year warranty, should anything go wrong.

You’ll get a decent 180 minutes (3 hours) runtime from a single charge. Let’s take a second to talk about THIS bit of marketing copy, though:

180 minutes run time and only a few minutes necessary for you to orgasm? You can calculate for yourself how many orgasms this means.

No. Just no. SOME people will orgasm in minutes with this toy. Others will take much longer, and some won’t get there at all. This is all normal. I’m absolutely sick of toy marketing that will make people think there’s something wrong with them if the product doesn’t work for them in the prescribed specific way.

Orgasms are not a mathematical equation. No toy, no matter how brilliant, is an orgasm guarantee.

In Use

The Womanizer Marilyn Monroe has three control buttons: an on/off switch, and +/- speed controls. It offers a total of 10 speeds. You can scroll through the speeds easily using the respective buttons, which are intuitively located on the back of the toy. The buttons are easy to press, though I would have liked them to be a little larger.

As far as orgasm potential goes, the Womanizer Marilyn Monroe gets the job done. The shape is excellent, making it easy to get a good seal around your clit, and the tapered handle is comfortable and ergonomic. The air pulses perhaps aren’t as smooth as they could be, creating a “juddering” sensation at the higher speeds.

The biggest downside of the Womanizer Marilyn Monroe is that it is LOUD. The first few speeds aren’t too bad. As soon as you turn it up past about level 4, though, it’s loud enough to be both indiscreet and highly distracting. Unlike some air suction toys I’ve tried, this one seems to get even louder rather than quieter when it’s against the body. The best way I can describe the sound is that it’s a kind of rattling. As someone who is sensitive to noise (and particularly to repetitive, persistent sounds) this is a really significant negative.

Verdict

The Womanizer Marilyn Monroe is decent, though not spectacular, as long as you can cope with how noisy it is. It’s pretty, for sure, but I’m not convinced that’s enough to make it worth the hefty price-tag. Coupled with the uncomfortable branding, this one is more miss than hit for me.

If you can afford it, I recommend going for the Premium. If you’re looking for a slightly more budget-friendly option, the Pro40 is excellent.

The Womanizer Marilyn Monroe retails for £109/$119 and is available from Lovehoney UK, Babeland, Good Vibes, and Shevibe.

Thanks to Womanizer for sending me this product to review. All views are my own, as always, and affiliate links appear within this post.

[Kink Product Review] Oxy Bellatrix Chastity Belt

Published on November 29, 2022March 7, 2026 by Amy

Readers are always asking me for recommendations for the best chastity belts for people with vulvas (often referred to as female chastity belts.) Something about the chastity belt kink—being locked up, unable to touch yourself, unable to be penetrated—seems to strike a chord with a lot of people. Perhaps it’s because the idea of giving someone else control over your sexual pleasure and release feels like the ultimate act of submission.

I’ve always been a bit stuck for what to recommend. Cheaper belts tend to not have the desired effect of preventing or inhibiting stimulation. More effective ones tend to be eye-wateringly expensive, easily running to hundreds of dollars. Until now, I haven’t been able to find one that sits at the intersection of effective and relatively affordable.

That’s why, when Oxy (an online kink store with an extensive range) got in touch and invited me to review for them, I jumped at the chance to get my hands on this product.

Oxy Kink Store Bellatrix: Best Chastity Belt for People with Vulvas (AKA Female Chastity Belt)

The Bellatrix Chastity Belt from Oxy Kink Store is made of stainless steel with silicone surrounds for comfort. The silicone is available in black, white, pink, or blue. I opted for simple, elegant black for mine. It comes with two mini padlocks, each with spare keys, and some spare screws.

My belt arrived promptly, discreetly packaged in a plain brown parcel. Due to the shape, the belt comes packaged in two separate main pieces, with bubble wrap packaging protecting it. This means you need to put it together. This can take a few minutes to figure out, but it’s fairly self-explanatory (I found that looking at the picture of the whole piece on the website helped.) Some of the screws are quite small and fiddly, so set up your belt in a space with good lighting and be patient.

All belts are made to order in your size and choice of colour. The lead time is 10-15 days, so plan ahead for this one. You can also use this belt with fitted vaginal and anal plugs, if you wish (sold separately.)

Chastity Kink Belt: Fit, Comfort and Care

My Bellatrix Chastity Belt runs true to size and they’re also quite adjustable. So don’t worry if you gain or lose some weight. Though they’re made to your sizing specifications, there’s always multiple settings so you can tighten or loosen it if you need to.

This Oxy Kink Store chastity belt is also more comfortable than I really expected it to be. It sits comfortably around the waist, and the silicone stops the stainless steel from digging into your skin while you’re wearing it. You can wear it directly against your body, or over an item of clothing such as underwear or skin-hugging trousers if you prefer. The plate that sits directly over the vulva has lots of small airholes in it, allowing your body to breathe and helping to prevent overheating.

The Bellatrix Chastity Belt is made of body-safe and non-porous materials which are easy to clean. Wash your belt between wears with warm soapy water, dry it off as well as you can, and then leave it to dry completely. You can also give it a quick interim clean with a body-safe sterile wipe.

Does It Work?

I’ve tried cheaper chastity devices and those made of softer materials, such as leather, in the past. Though sexy as part of a fantasy, none of them were really effective insofar as actually preventing the wearer from touching themselves.

In this regard, the Bellatrix Chastity Belt absolutely delivers. Once it’s properly fitted, the wearer has no way to reach their vagina and clitoris. So yes, it works beautifully.

Is the Oxy Kink Store Chastity Belt Suitable for Long-Term Wear?

For many people, the fantasy of a chastity belt is that their partner locks them in and simply leaves them in it for days, weeks… or even months or years. While this is hot in theory, it’s really not practical in reality.

Though it’s theoretically possible for people with penises, it’s possibly risky long term (particularly if you’re regularly wearing the device overnight.) And for people with vulvas, I’m just not at all sure it’s physically possible. Long-term wear of even the most comfortable and well-fitted chastity belt is likely to cause rubbing and chafing after a while. Having stainless steel and silicone around your bits for too long can cause excess sweating and the trapping of bacteria, which could lead to infections such as thrush, yeast infections, and bacterial vaginosis (BV.) Of course, blocking the vagina also harms its ability to keep itself clean.

Full chastity belts can also inhibit your ability to wipe or wash properly after going to the bathroom. So if you’re going to wear it long term, you’ll need to be fastidious about hygiene and probably remove it completely at least once a day to wash yourself and the belt.

Honestly, I think true permanent or very-long-term chastity is in the realm of “doesn’t work in reality.” So no, this belt isn’t truly suitable for long-term continuous wear. But to be honest, I don’t believe there’s a device in existence that is. That’s no shade to the product (which is excellent) at all. That’s just physiology.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a hell of a lot of fun with the fantasy! In my experience, kink is really not about what is literally true or possible. It’s about playing with ideas, with dynamics, with emotions and desires and the hidden parts of ourselves. Toys and accessories are tools we use to help ourselves get into those mindsets and bring those fantasies to life. Our minds and bodies have to do the rest of the work.

A Few Fun Ways to Play with a Chastity Belt

Curious about chastity play but not sure where to start? I thought it would be fun to include a few ideas to get you started. As always, take what works for you, modify as you like, and leave the rest!

If you go to kink events such as play parties, wearing or having your submissive partner wear a chastity belt at one of these events can add a hot semi-public aspect to your play.
Have your partner wear the belt and then tease them by touching every other erogenous part of their body. How long will it be before they beg you to unlock them?
If you’re playing solo, wear the belt and then do everything you can to turn yourself on. See how long you can stand it before you just have to take it off and touch yourself.
Ahead of a date, have the submissive partner wear the belt. The dominant partner can then text them all kinds of sexy thoughts to turn them on.

A quick note on safety: if you’re going to play with this belt when the wearer and keyholder aren’t physically together, always make sure the wearer has a spare key for emergencies.

Verdict

Sexy and huge fun! I’m really impressed with this belt. It’s well made with body-safe materials, does the job well, and is comfortable to wear. Top marks all around.

The Bellatrix Chastity Belt retails for $130 (that’s just under £110). This is honestly a very competitive price point for a stainless steel belt that is custom made for your measurements.

Thanks to Oxy for sending me their best-rated vulva chastity belt (AKA female chastity belt) to review. All opinions and experiences are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.

Header for post about the best vibrators and sex tech for long-distance couples and remote play

What are the Best Vibrators for Long Distance Play?

Published on March 19, 2022April 2, 2026 by Amy

I’m not in a serious long distance relationship at the time of writing (though I do have a lovely long distance play partner.) But until a few months ago, I had a partner who lived in a different city. We saw each other about once a month, and kept in touch using various methods in between. We texted, sexted, had virtual dates, and occasionally played with sex tech like remote control long-distance vibrators.

Who Uses Long Distance Vibrators and Why?

Sales of high tech, remote-capable sex toys designed for long distance relationships boomed in the first months of the Covid-19 pandemic. Whether you’re temporarily separated by travel restrictions, one of you is travelling for work, or you currently (or permanently) live apart, you can enjoy sex from anywhere in the world with the right remote sex toy.

This is just one of the use-cases for the large, and growing, market for sex toys that can be controlled over long distances. If you enjoy the thrill of wearing a sex toy out and about and handing control to your partner, a long-distance vibrator can also be a good investment. They tend to be much more reliable than the ones with short-range handheld remotes.

Remote sex toys are now available in just about every iteration you can think of, from the common wearable toys to strokers, rabbits, clitoral suction toys, and more. There are even app-controlled chastity devices, believe it or not!

Another popular use-case for long-distance vibrators is for those who do online camming. Say you’ve set up your custom Chaturbate profile and built a loyal following, what’s next? Many performers find that using a remote vibe, and allowing fans to take control of it in exchange for tips, is a fun way to boost their earnings. Lovense toys are specifically designed with this functionality in mind.

But what are the best vibrators for long distance couples, cam models, and anyone else who needs a toy with remote control capability? Turns out that’s not a simple question to answer. Here are a few things you might want to consider to help you choose the best long-distance sex toy for YOU.

What’s Your Budget?

App-controlled and long distance sex toys are becoming more accessible, price-wise, as more and more companies are making them. You might say that sex tech has gone mainstream! Even so, there are products available at a wide range of price points. Lower priced products in this category tend to start at around the $80 mark, but you can easily spend hundreds of dollars for high-end products from some brands.

Before you start shopping, decide on your budget. You might need to compromise on some features, depending on how much you want to spend. Which brings us to…

Which Features Matter Most to You in Long Distance Vibrators?

You should also consider which features you want your toys to have and what matters the most to you. For some people, the most important feature will be the toy’s level of power. Though there are exceptions, many people who use sex toys tend to prefer strong, rumbly vibrations over weaker, buzzier ones.

App reliability is another big factor to consider. You don’t want the connection to keep dropping in the middle of your hot virtual sex date! And if you’re into the idea of semi-public play (or live with family/roommates), the volume of the toy might also be important to you.

When it comes to power, volume, and app connectivity, the best thing you can do is read honest reviews like the ones you’ll find here and on other sex blogs. Good sex toy bloggers test things robustly and call it as we see it when we give our verdict on a product.

Some app-controlled sex toys are more feature-rich than others. At the most basic level, app control will allow your partner to switch the toy on and off and scroll through a pre-set range of speeds and patterns. More advanced products have all kinds of fancy bonus features. For example, some toys allow you to draw your own vibration patterns, sync the vibrations to music, or even use your wearable toy as an alarm.

The Lovense Connect app — App: Lovense Connect

If you’re non-monogamous or do (for example) camming or phone sex, the option to give control to different people at the touch of a button might be important to you. Some toys only let you add one partner to their apps at a time. This means that you have to delete and re-add every time you’re playing with a different person.

The Most Powerful App-Controlled Toys

Two of the biggest players in app-controlled vibrators and other long distance sex toys right now are Lovense and We-Vibe. These products are popular for a reason – they are, in the main, high quality, reliable, and powerful vibes. But they are far from the only options on the market. Other options include Lovehoney’s Desire range as well as products from brands like Kiiroo, Svakom, and Lelo. I strongly suspect that over the next few years, most of the major sex toy brands will start bringing out app-controlled toys, if they haven’t already.

From a personal perspective, I have found We-Vibe’s products to be the most consistently powerful app-controlled toys I’ve tried. Lovense products are also generally pretty powerful. Interestingly, however, I found their most iconic and popular product (the Lush) rather lacklustre in the power department.

Consider Privacy When Using Long Distance Vibrators

I am far from a digital privacy expert. I do know that some people with far more knowledge than me have expressed legitimate concerns over the privacy aspect of long distance sex tech apps. Ultimately, you must do your own research and decide your level of acceptable risk. If you’re concerned, read the privacy policy of the company you’re considering buying from. You can also check out reviews from sex tech experts to see what they have to say about the privacy aspect.

Long Distance Sex Tech: A Few Specific Recommendations

As you can see, it’s not easy to give a blanket answer to the question “what are the best vibrators for long-distance sex?” Ultimately, what’s best for you will depend on your personal preferences and the various factors I’ve discussed in this piece.

But from a personal perspective, here are a few of the app-controlled sex toys that I like the most:

Lovense Ferri, a fabulously powerful-yet-discreet knicker vibe.
Lovense Domi, a genuinely brilliant wand. You don’t see app-controlled wand vibrators very often, which makes this one even more appealing.
We-Vibe Nova 2, an app-controlled rabbit vibe with a fantastic clit-friendly design.
We-Vibe Chorus and Chorus Pro, vibrators designed for clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex but also ideal for hands free long-distance play.

This post was sponsored by Designurbate, a tool that allows you to customize your Chaturbate profile and stand out from the crowd. All writing and views are, as always, my own.

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[Toy Review] Womanizer Starlet 3

Published on March 18, 2022March 7, 2026 by Amy

If you’ve been around for a while, you might remember my reviews of the Womanizer Starlet and Womanizer Starlet 2 rechargeable clitoral stimulators. I was impressed with the original Starlet, a teeny-tiny, no-frills version of Womanizer’s classic clitoral suction stimulators, and significantly less enamoured with the Starlet 2. The latest iteration in this range, the Womanizer Starlet 3, has just hit the market and it’s time for a review.

Womanizer Starlet 3 Rechargeable Clitoral Stimulator: Details

Womanizer Starlet 3 clitoral suction stimulator

The Womanizer Starlet 3 is very similar in design to the Starlet 2. I can’t take a picture of them side by side because I passed on my Starlet 2 to a friend, but as far as I can tell they’re the same size (5″ total length) and the same shape. The Starlet 3 has the same ABS plastic body and removeable silicone nozzle, and is similarly lightweight and compact.

So what’s the difference?

As far as I can tell, the biggest difference is that the Womanizer Starlet 3 has 6 speed settings. The Starlet Original and Starlet 2 each have only 4.

The Starlet 3 comes in a couple of new colourways, including the beautiful teal green I received. I specifically requested this because I love green and it’s an unusual shade for sex toys, so I jump on it when I see it. You can also get the Starlet 3 in blue, grey, or pink.

The Starlet 3 also arrived in revamped, sustainable cardboard packaging. Manufacturers who are still using tonnes of single-use plastic, take note.

Womanizer Starlet 3 recyclable sustainable packaging

The Womanizer Starlet 3 is waterproof and USB rechargeable via the included cable. You can clean the body of the toy with a sterile wipe or warm soapy water. You can also remove the nozzle to sterilise it in boiling water (or the dishwasher.)

Starlet 3 in Use

Since it’s the same basic shape as the Starlet 2, many of the issues I had with that product carry over to this one. Specifically, the handle is short and the nozzle only sticks out from the toy’s body about half an inch. I find this makes it incredibly difficult to get and maintain a good angle for both maximum stimulation and comfort. This is probably an issue of personal preference rather than a fundamental flaw with the product, but if it’s a problem for me it’s sure to be a problem for at least some other users. Some of Lovehoney’s on-site reviewers have noted this issue, too.

The nozzle opening is also very small, only about half an inch across at the widest point. That means it’s probably only going to work for someone with a fairly small clit. (Yes, like all other body parts, they vary in shape and size).

The Starlet 3’s controls are fine, wth +/- buttons (which are also the on/off buttons) situated on the back of the main body of the toy. The buttons are a little stiff and require quite a firm press.

My biggest issue with the Starlet 3 is its battery life. The advertised runtime of 30 minutes on a full charge is already pretty poor. It takes many people longer than that to reach orgasm! But I found that the Starlet 3’s motor became juddery and unreliable after only about 20 minutes. If I pressed it too firmly against my body, or moved too suddenly, it would suddenly reduce in intensity or cut out completely.

Utimately, the Womanizer Starlet 3 fails the “does it get me off?” test. It didn’t on any of the three occasions I tried it. The level of power isn’t bad, especially on the higher settings. I also have no complaints about the suction sensation itself. It probably could have brought me to orgasm using the top couple of speeds, if only the shape weren’t so annoying and it hadn’t died mid-session!

Interestingly, the product copy specifically states that this toy can be used for edging (getting close to orgasm then backing off.) Edging is something I and many other people enjoy. And while this claim is true, it’s… also sort of true for any sex toy that is capable of bringing the user to orgasm? I’m not really sure why it’s specified for this one in particular. Plus, getting edged non-consensually because the damn battery ran out isn’t my idea of a good time.

Womanizer Starlet 3 Review: Verdict

I really wanted to like this one. I appreciate that Womanizer have tried to offer a more budget-friendly option in their range of notoriously high-priced toys. Not to mention it’s just so pretty!

But… ugh.

For a toy that retails for £69.99 ($79.99 US), the Womanizer Starlet 3 was highly disappointing and I cannot recommend it. While the issues I had with the shape are arguably a matter of preference, there’s no excuse for the terrible battery life and unreliable motor. If you’re on a budget, the Romp Switch is a better (and cheaper!) alternative. If you can afford to spend a bit more, you can’t go wrong with the Womanizer/Lovehoney Pro40.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the Womanizer Starlet 3 to review. All views are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.

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How to Vet a Dom Before You Play

Published on February 10, 2022March 21, 2026 by Amy2 Comments

I meet a lot of new and curious submissives through this blog and events in my local kink community. The question they ask me most often? How to find a Dom. But finding someone is just the first step. It’s also essential to understand how to vet a Dom before you play with them or begin any kind of kinky relationship. Vetting is a process of getting to know someone and establishing that they are who they say they are and that they’re safe to date or do BDSM play with.

How to Vet a Dom: 5 Ways

The kink community is not a utopia. It consists of people. Some of those people will be wonderful, others will be awful, and most will be somewhere between those two extremes. Submitting to someone, sexually or in a kink scene, is vulnerable and requires a lot of trust. That’s why vetting is essential; it allows you to understand who someone really is before you get too invested in a romantic, sexual, or BDSM relationship.

Always Meet in a Public Place First When You’re Vetting a Potential BDSM Partner

If you’re meeting someone in person for the first time (say, if you’ve met them online) then always have your first meeting in a public place like a bar, restaurant, or coffee shop. Even if you’ve met at an event such as a BDSM munch or rope bondage workshop, having a date in a public place the first time you meet one-to-one is a good idea.

This lets you get to know them as a person in a safe and low-pressure environment. It also ensures you can leave relatively easily and have other people around if things go sideways.

If a prospective Dom balks at meeting in public, that’s a glaring red flag in a kinky relationship. It can indicate anything from not wanting to be seen in public because they’re cheating on a spouse to wanting to get you alone so they can cause you harm.

Ask for References to Help You Vet a Dom

If your prospective Dominant has been in the kink community for a while, others will know them and probably have an opinion on them. Try asking some regulars in your local scene to see what they can tell you about this person. If in doubt, the organiser of a munch they attend regularly is a good place to start.

When vetting, it’s best to get a range of opinions if you can. One person’s view can be clouded either positively or negatively, but patterns of data are far more useful. Of course, if you hear anything really damning (such as that the person has a history of behaving abusively), pay very close attention to that.

Kinksters are used to people vetting potential Doms (and submissives) and generally support it. Your local community leaders won’t think it’s weird if you say “hey, I’m thinking of playing with X and I wondered if you have any insight on what they’re like as a person or a player?”

Pay Attention to Small Signs

When you’re trying to vet a Dom, one of the best things you can do is simply pay attention. If you look closely, you can learn a lot about a person from the ways they interact with you, other people, and the world around them. Remember that a BDSM relationship is still a relationship first and foremost.

For example, do they generally speak to others at the munch with respect and courtesy, or do they assume that all submissives are fair game to be degraded and spoken down to? If you go out for coffee or a meal, how do they treat the waitstaff? Do they have hobbies, interests, and friends that they can talk about? Do they seek consent as a matter of course (for example, by asking before touching or hugging you for the first time?)

Here’s a useful BDSM vetting trick a friend taught me: set a small boundary early on. This can be anything from “I’m not comfortable with pet names” to “I have to leave by six to get to work.” Do they respect and honour it? How a Dominant responds to a clearly stated boundary tells you an enormous amount about them and how they’ll treat you if you continue in a relationship.

Introduce a Prospective Dom to Your Friends and Ask Them to Help You Vet Them

Friends can sometimes spot things that we’re oblivious to when we have a crush on someone (or are deep in sub frenzy). If you’re not sure how to vet a Dom or if your perceptions are accurate, introduce them some of your trusted friends when you can. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends for their honest opinions. And then listen to them!

I’ve had friends introduce me to their new partner or prospective partner and immediately had a feeling of “urgh, no, there’s something off about this person”, even if I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what the problem was. I call this sense The Vibes and it’s accurate a shocking percentage of the time. Other times, I’ve thought how happy and relaxed my friend seems around their new sweetie.

Play At An Event First

So you’ve vetted your potential Dom, they seem okay and you’re wanting to get kinky. My recommendation at this stage? Play at an event first. Not everyone likes events or has access to them due to finances or geography. But if this is an option for you, it can be safer to wplay with a new Dom for the first time at a kink party.

Reputable kinky play events usually have staff, such as organisers and Dungeon Monitors (DMs), who will keep an eye on what’s happening and step in if necessary. For example, many events have “house safewords” but in practice, a DM will pay attention to anything that sounds like a withdrawal of consent. Playing at a party means that, even if you’re in a vulnerable position such as being restrained, you’ll have someone looking out for you.

Remember: People Can Still Fool You

Unfortunately, some people are good at seeming affable and safe while being anything but. You might learn how to vet a Dom and do everything you reasonably can, but still end up hurt. Regardless of what vetting precautions you did or didn’t take, if another person chooses to harm you the fault is theirs. You are not to blame.

Vetting is ultimately one tool that helps to keep us safe in BDSM. It’s far from perfect, and it works best alongside other tools such as robust negotiation, mutual community care, and scene safeguarding. Even so, it’s one of the most powerful ways you have at your disposal to reduce your risk.

A woman's mouth seductively licking a heart-shaped lollipop. Text reads: Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Review

[Massage & Better Sex Products Review] Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex

Published on January 20, 2022April 2, 2026 by Amy

“No fiction, no acting, no judgements, no comparisons, no fear, no guilt nor shame”—so begins the Bijoux Indiscrets “Slow Sex” manifesto, which adorns the packaging of each product in the Slow Sex range of intimacy and better sex products, which I recently received to review. Definitely a message I can get behind!

Of course, sex is complicated. Fear, judgement and shame are very real for too many of us. I still experience them even as someone who makes a living by talking and writing openly about sex. It’s going to take far more than a range of products to fully tackle the deep, systemic issues that allow sexual shame to run rampant.

Even so, in a world where so many companies (even purportedly sex-positive ones) profit from shame and stigma, I’m glad to see an adult retailer encouraging people to move away from these destructive ideas and towards more authentic pleasure.

I received a selection of items from the Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex range to try out.

Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Range: General Impressions

Each full size Slow Sex product comes beautifully presented. It comes in eco-friendly cardboard packaging featuring artistic close-ups of body parts and sometimes floral motifs.

Collection of Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex products

The Slow Sex range also doesn’t use any gendered marketing! Each product is described by referencing body parts and sex acts, without ascribing gender to them. It sounds like a small thing, but simply writing “the clitoris” instead of “her clitoris” or “use it on your partner” rather than “use it on your man” makes sexuality product marketing so much more inclusive.

With the exception of the oral sex strips, all the Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex products I tried for this review have a strong and distinctive coconut aroma. I enjoy the smell and taste of coconut, so this was fine. But if you don’t, it’s something to be aware of. The scent is pretty noticeable and does tend to hang around after you’ve finished playing!

Everything in the Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex range is cruelty-free and vegan.

Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Clitoral Balm Review

The Slow Sex product I was most excited to try was the clitoral balm. So naturally that’s where I went first.

Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Clitoral Balm comes in a little 10ml tube. This doesn’t seem like much, but you only need a tiny amount so this tube will last you a while.

Slow Sex Clitoral Balm contains a pretty long list of ingredients. Check it carefully before use if you’re allergic or sensitive to anything. There’s nothing in the ingredients that immediately strikes me as problematic. It does contain glycerin, but for an external-only product that you use in tiny amounts, I don’t really mind.

Honestly, I was underwhelmed by this product. I really wanted to love Bijoux Indiscrets’ clitoral balm, especially as I’ve reviewed and loved various similar products in the past, but it didn’t do much for me. I got a slight warming sensation, which was pleasant enough. But it didn’t really enhance sensitivity or give me any noticeable increase in pleasure. If you enjoy warming lubes, this is a slight step up from that, but it’s not much more. I’ll probably finish this tube, but I’m unlikely to buy it again.

Slow Sex Clitoral Balm retails for £15/$17. According to Bijoux, it’s compatible with all toy types and with latex barriers.

Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Finger Play Gel Review

The Slow Sex Finger Play Gel is basically a water-based lube designed for external use, particularly for hand sex (i.e. fingering or hand-jobs.) It contains just a few ingredients, of which the main ones are glycerin, water, and aloe vera leaf juice. Given the high glycerin concentration, I won’t be using this one internally and I’d advise that you don’t either.

The Finger Play Gel is a gorgeously thick lubricant. It lasts well, and a little goes a long way. Its thick texture and slipperiness make it perfect for hand sex. It’s easy to clean up with warm water and soap, though it does get sticky after a while. After use, my skin felt soft and moisturised, probably thanks to the aloe. It has a pleasant, subtly sweet taste.

Slow Sex Finger Play Gel retails for £15/$17. With just 30ml in a tube, it’s pretty pricey, but it should last you a while. Slow Sex Finger Play Gel is condom-compatible and suitable to use with all toy materials.

Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Nipple Play Gel

Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Nipple Play Gel comes in a little 10ml glass tube with a roller ball applicator. Simply apply a little to your nipples and then stimulate them as you normally would. The gel gives a subtle cooling, tingling sensation.

I found that the Nipple Play Gel slightly heightened sensitivity. When I applied it then went about my day, it made me more aware of my nipples—and particularly the feel of them against my clothing—than I’d normally be. Potentially fun if you want to heighten your arousal throughout the day. I found that one application lasted about an hour before the effect wore off.

It also increases sensitivity if you’re doing nipple play with hands, toys, or clamps. But this stuff really comes into its own when combined with oral nipple stimulation. The cool gel combined with a warm mouth makes everything feel much more intense. And since the gel has a sweet taste, it’s not unpleasant for the giver, either! (Assuming they like coconut.)

The Slow Sex Nipple Play Gel is water-based and does not contain any ingredients that are toxic or problematic for topical use. It’s easy to wash off when you’re done and leaves a gentle coconut scent on the skin.

Slow Sex Nipple Play Gel retails for £15/$17.

Slow Sex Oral Sex Balm

I was highly sceptical about the Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Oral Sex Balm, as was Mr C&K, but we kept an open mind and decided to give it a fair chance for this review. It comes in a 10ml tube and I was expecting a liquid or thin gel, but it’s really more of a thick paste. I had to massage it between my fingers to get it to melt enough to use.

The packaging suggests applying Slow Sex Oral Sex Balm to your lips right before giving a blow job, or applying it directly to the penis. To get the full effect, we did both. I’m not sure most people would feel much if you only did the former.

First, the good: it definitely had an effect! My partner described it as a cooling sensation, which is likely caused by the menthol it contains. When you’re doing oral sex, the contrast between this cooling and the warmth of a mouth can be very interesting. He also reported that it did increase sensitivity slightly, and that it felt like sensation continued after the point of orgasm.

Then the less-good: Since Slow Sex Oral Sex Balm is an oil-based product, it’s not suitable for use with any latex barriers. And given that I wouldn’t want several of the ingredients in my vagina, it also means it’s not really possible to go from oral to vaginal sex without cleaning up in between. I really dislike the sensation of anything oily or sticky on my hands, so I had to wipe this off with a tissue immediately after applying it.

Also worth noting: the coconutty/minty smell and taste is VERY potent. It’s not unpleasant but if, like me, you like to experience the scent and taste of your partner’s body, this is definitely going to mask that.

Overall, a mixed experience but definitely more positive than we were expecting.

Slow Sex Oral Sex Balm retails for £15/$17.

Slow Sex Oil Based Full Body Massage Gel

The Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Full Body Massage Gel comes in an attractive glass bottle. With 50ml in the bottle, it definitely feels like one of the more substantial Slow Sex products. Slow Sex Massage Gel is oil-based and designed for all-over massage.

The packaging says you can use it “anywhere and everywhere” and the website describes it as genital-compatible, so if your massage turns erotic you’re good to go. Again, I’d recommend that you keep it external only. This massage gel is also suitable for use in water and is compatible with silicone sex toys and latex barriers.

This is probably my favourite product in the entire Slow Sex range. It is slick without being sticky, and does not leave any nasty residue behind. As a bonus, it leaves my skin feeling lovely and moisturised (and coconut scented!) It also lasts ages, as a little bit goes a long way once it’s on the skin.

I also like that Slow Sex Massage Gel comes in a pump bottle, which is much more user-friendly and less spillage-prone than the bottles massage oils usually come in.

Slow Sex Full Body Massage Gel retails for £18/$23.

Slow Sex Oral Sex Strips

If you’re asking “what on earth is an oral sex strip?”, well, so was I! Turns out they’re little paper-thin minty strips that are designed to go on your tongue and then melt while you’re performing oral sex. Like the Oral Sex Balm, the Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Oral Sex Strips have a strong minty flavour (spearmint oil is one of the main ingredients.) They taste like something you’d use to brush your teeth or freshen your breath.

The sensation is… interesting. Much like the Slow Sex Oral Sex Balm, the main appeal of these strips is that they provide a contrast between the cooling sensation and the warmth of a mouth. However, they melt very quickly so the intense effect only lasts for maybe a minute or so. You do get some of the effect for a while afterwards as the mint lingers on your body, but you only get maybe a maximum of 5 minutes out of each strip.

These were fine, but I wasn’t blown away. They heightened sensitivity somewhat, but not to such an extent that they can make or break the experience. And to be honest, I’m going to repeat something I said above. If I’m going down on a lover, I want to taste them, not a mouthful of mint.

Slow Sex Oral Sex Strips retail for £6/$7 for a pack of 7.

Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Massage Candle

The Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Massage Candle comes in a little tin. It is made of body-safe, skin-friendly, and plant-based ingredients. The main ingredients include Prunus Amygdalus Dulcis oil, Cocos Nucifera (coconut) oil, and Shea butter.

Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex massage candle in its box

The Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Massage Candle melts quickly once you light it. I had plenty of usable oil within less than a minute after lighting. When I wanted to top up on oil mid-massage, it took no more than 10-15 seconds of the candle being lit to get the amount I needed. The box says to light it for 15 minutes but honestly, unless you want the entire thing melted, that’s not even close to necessary. Any oil you don’t use will just harden again as it cools, ready for next time.

Both my girlfriend and I loved the subtle coconut scent of this candle. It’s distinctive without being obtrusive or overpowering, and helps to create a lovely romantic, relaxed vibe as it permeates your space. Our skin felt wonderfully soft and moisturised after trading massages, and I still kept catching little whiffs of the scent hours later.

I often struggle with oily sensations for sensory reasons, but the Bijoux Indiscrets Massage Candle’s oil doesn’t leave my skin feeling unpleasantly greasy because it soaks in so well. An oil-based product that doesn’t have me running to wash it off my hands? That’s an achievement in itself.

Because there’s no wax in this candle, you can also use it as a moisturiser or as a fragrant addition to a bath if you like.

For the avoidance of doubt, this is not the same as a wax play candle. The melting point of the oils is much lower than that of paraffin or even soy wax, meaning that—even if you drip it from very close to your partner’s skin—you’ll get a pleasant warmth rather than an “ouch.”

The oil will start to harden again as it hits the body, but as soon as you run your hands over it, it’ll melt again and start to be absorbed into the skin as you massage. This means that, unlike with wax play, there’s little to no cleanup afterwards.

Due to the oils it contains, this massage candle is not compatible with latex or polyisoprene (though it’s okay with polyurethane.) This means you’ll need to be careful if you’re using barriers such as condoms or dams.

I also didn’t love the slight black residue you get on the inside of the tin and across the top of the candle when it’s been burning a few minutes. It doesn’t really get on your skin in any noticeable way, but it looks a bit yuck.

Depending on how generous you like to go with your oil, you’ll probably get 4-5 massages out of one candle. You could make it last a little longer by going lighter on your coverage, but more is definitely more here in my experience!

The Bijoux Indiscrets Slow Sex Massage Candle retails for £18/$22.

Thanks to Bijoux Indiscrets for sending me these Slow Sex products to test in exchange for an honest review.

PleX with Flex review header image, woman's butt in fishnet stockings

[Toy Review] Hot Octopuss PleX with Flex

Published on January 13, 2022April 2, 2026 by Amy

Do you all remember the Kurve vibrator from Hot Octopuss? I raved about the Kurve because of its dual “treble and bass” motors, which allow the user to customise not just the intensity level of the vibrations, but also where they fall on the buzz-rumble scale. Well, a new Hot Octopuss toy has arrived, and it uses the same tech. But this time, it’s for your butt. Meet the Hot Octopuss PleX with Flex.

What is The Hot Octopuss PleX with Flex?

The PleX with Flex is a vibrating butt plug by Hot Octopuss. It measures 5.5″ in total length, of which around 5″ are insertable, and 1.7″ in diameter at the widest point. The plug sits on a wide base. As the name suggests, it’s ultra flexible, bending up to 90 degrees in any direction.

My PleX with Flex arrived packaged in Hot Octopuss’s signature, sleek black packaging with a picture of the toy on the front. In the box you’ll find your plug, a little square remote control, a branded storage pouch, a charging cable, and an instruction leaflet. I do appreciate that Hot Octopuss always include a storage bag with their toys. It’s such a small thing but it really does help a more expensive product feel like value for money.

PleX with Flex vibrating butt plug in its box

The PleX with Flex is made of smooth and body-safe matte black silicone. It is also fully waterproof, though the remote control is not. It’s rechargeable via the included USB cable.

Hot Octopuss Plex with Flex Review: What I Liked

By far my favourite thing about the PleX with Flex is its shape. The smooth, tapered shape makes insertion comfortable, and the ultra flexible nature of it means you can position the toy exactly how you want. I don’t have a prostate but for people who do, I’m informed that the curved shape of the PleX with Flex makes it ideal for targeted prostate pleasure.

PleX with Flex black silicone butt plug from Hot Octopuss

The PleX with Flex’s motors are also fantastic. It houses a rumbly (“bass”) motor towards the bottom of the shaft, and a buzzy (“treble”) motor towards the tip. With independent controls (we’ll talk more about the and five available pattern settings for each motor, you can create an enormous range of different experiences and sensations. Best of all, each motor is powerful. I’m not a big fan of buzz, so I eventually found that the sweet spot for me was to have the buzzy motor on low and the rumbly motor on a higher setting.

PleX with Flex vibrating prostate massager

The large base, which essentially functions as a handle, also makes it possible to thrust with this toy, if you want to. That’s unusual in a butt plug style toy. For that reason, I’d recommend this one if you’re working up to anal penetration with a penis or a larger dildo.

The PleX with Flex also isn’t too loud relative to its vibration strength. Even outside the body it’s pretty quiet, and when it’s inserted the sound is muffled still further. You might not want to use it out in public, but there’s no way you’ll wake the neighbours!

The PleX with Flex is also easy to keep clean. I recommend using a body-safe sterilising wipe then wash it thoroughly in warm water and gentle soap.

Anything I Didn’t Love?

The PleX with Flex is fundamentally a well designed toy. Its shape is dreamy and its motors are excellent. With that said, there are a few things I think could be improved.

My biggest complaint lies in the buttons and controls. Placing the controls on the bottom of the toy’s base is an odd choice for this one. This makes it impossible to see the buttons when the toy is inserted. So you have to either rely on touch alone (possible but not ideal), ask your partner to change the setting for you if you’re using the toy together, or take it out to change the setting and then reinsert. None of which is ideal.

PleX with Flex silicone prostate massager buttons

I could forgive this if the remote control was brilliantly designed, but it’s… not. Hot Octopuss’s remote controls are inexplicably tiny. I think they’re going for discretion but, unless you’re going to use the toy in public (which, as I’ve said, I don’t recommend) I’d rather have a slightly bigger control that’s easier to use. Being so small, it’s difficult to hold and easy to lose. I much, much prefer the wrist strap design offered with toys like the Pulse Solo Lux.

Remote for remote control vibrating butt plug PleX with Flex

The battery life is also a bit of an issue. It lasts about an hour on a full charge. But with a charging time of 4 hours, I would have liked its run time to be a little longer.

From a personal experience perspective, another downside is that the PleX with Flex is slightly too big. It took me a long-ass (ha) time to write up this review, partly because my butt is rarely up for taking something of this size. This is less an objective criticism, admittedly, than a personal preference. I’d really love to see them release a mini version alongside this one, for those of us who prefer a smaller anal toy. So if any Hot Octopuss designers are reading…

The PleX with Flex isn’t really a leave-in toy. Given the size of the base and the location of the buttons, sitting or walking around all day with it in isn’t really possible. This isn’t really a downside as such, just something to be aware of. This is a toy

Plex with Flex Review: Verdict

It’s a mixed bag for me with this one. Ultimately, the PleX with Flex is a toy that meets specific needs well. If you’re looking for a butt toy with strong motors and an ability to experiment with buzz/rumble as well as power level and patterns, this is the one for you. I also recommend it if you’re looking for a vibrating anal toy you can thrust with. On the other hand, if you’re looking for something more akin to an “insert and leave in” anal toy, this is not it.

Retailing at £89.95, it’s not a cheap toy. While its body-safe materials, well-designed shape, and powerful motors work in its favour, there are notable downsides that make it hard to give an unqualified YES to this one.

PleX with Flex banner from Hot Octopuss sex toys

The PleX with Flex is available from Hot Octopuss, who sent me the product in exchange for an honest review. All views are mine. Affiliate links appear in this post.

Header image for a guest post about being a submissive with ADHD by Redridingbrat

[Guest Post] Being a Submissive with ADHD by Redridingbrat

Published on December 24, 2021April 2, 2026 by Amy1 Comment

While I don’t have an actual diagnosis of ADHD, I’ve long know that it’s something I probably have. Whenever I see any ADHD content, from medical information to memes, I find myself going “yep, it me”. It impacts virtually every aspect of my life. So I wasn’t altogether surprised when I also found this piece from my friend Redridingbrat (she/her) about ADHD and its impact on BDSM and kink deeply relatable.

I feel very strongly that kink is for all consenting adults who want to engage in it. Many of the images we see online and in the media are reductive, exclusionary, and harmful. That’s why it’s so important to me to represent a diversity of experiences on this blog. To that end, I’m thrilled to host RRB’s thoughts on ADHD in a BDSM relationship.

As always, you can help me to pay more lovely guest writers by chipping in via the tip jar.

Amy x

ADHD and Kink: Being a Submissive with ADHD by Redridingbrat

What comes to mind when you think of the perfect submissive?

Perhaps it is someone who is entirely focused on their Dominant? Someone who finds it easy to follow the rules and pre-emptively do whatever their Dominant might desire?

How does this approach to kink change when you have ADHD?

ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is a medical condition that affects the way a person thinks and acts. This often presents as someone being inattentive, hyperactive, and impulsive—three things that can often clash with the pop culture view of submission. As a submissive with ADHD, I have had to work with my Dominant to make sure that my submission and BDSM relationship isn’t adversely affected by my ADHD.

ADHD, Kink and Forgetfulness

One of the ways inattention in ADHD can affect a D/s or kink dynamic is forgetfulness. Forgetting rules, forgetting tasks, forgetting where things have been placed… not something that is in the picture-perfect view of a sub! Thankfully, this is something this can be easily accommodated. Having the rules written up and displayed somewhere is a straightforward alternative to relying on the memory. Having things placed in see-through or open containers lets you quickly see where they are. A long-term solution is to have your Dominant help you create habits, so you do not need to remember a thing.

Another annoying symptom of ADHD is being prone to distraction. Sitting in a corner with no stimulation is my personal idea of hell. It isn’t just me who can suffer as a result of this, though; losing interest in an activity halfway through a scene can very quickly make a Dominant feel like they failed at a scene, and make the submissive then feel guilty for not being able to concentrate. This does not have an easy fix but there are things that help.

Doing shorter activities can do wonders, as this gives less chances for the brain to wander off. Sensory deprivation can also help as it can force the submissive to focus on their other senses. The biggest things that can help are open communication and being self-aware. By letting your Dominant know when you are having a bad day focusing, you can reassure each other that neither is at fault when focus issues arise.

Hyperfocus, Kink and ADHD

On the opposite end of the spectrum, another symptom of ADHD is hyperfocus; getting so consumed by a task that everything else is ignored. When a task is interrupted by something else, it can be extremely hard to bring yourself out of the task and into the new thing, regardless of how urgent it may be. In extreme cases, this can lead to ignoring the need to drink or use the toilet for hours on end.

One thing my Dominant has found to help with managing this aspect of my ADHD in our kink relationship is simply asking “when will this be done?”. This helps me to verbalise what “done” looks like as well as giving me a cue to start bringing myself out of the task. Having a set routine and structure also helps with this as it ensures that my body becomes accustomed to performing certain activities at certain time, with an external check (my Dominant) making sure it is adhered to.

Managing Motivation as a Submissive with ADHD

Another symptom of ADHD that is often overlooked is internal motivation. I can often sit in “standby mode”, endlessly scrolling social media whilst given tasks go unfulfilled. Part of this is that a larger task can be overwhelming if not broken down into smaller steps. This overwhelm can make it physically uncomfortable to get started. Something that can really help prevent situations like this is breaking a large task down into multiple smaller parts, while also being clear about what signifies completion of each part.

One example of this ADHD hack in a kink context: “make yourself presentable for me” can be broken down into “take a shower, style your hair into a high ponytail, put on a full face of makeup with red lipstick, and wear the red underwear. I want these tasks to be complete by 5pm.” Rewards-based dynamics are also excellent for those who require the internal motivation to be turned external. Extra orgasms for doing a large task? Yes please!

ADHD and BDSM: The Positives

I have spoken at length about the challenges of having ADHD in a BDSM relationship. But it does come with a number of positives too. Those of us with ADHD often excel when in “crisis mode”, meaning we can be very good if something goes wrong in a kink scene. ADHD folks are also creative in our problem solving, making us the perfect people to do puzzle-based tasks or mend broken toys. And ADHD people can also be more adventurous, making us the ideal partner for trying new activities in the bedroom.

ADHD can make submission hard. It breaks many of the pre-conceived notions of what a “good submissive” looks like. Someone who is forgetful, distractable, and hard to self-motivate is not the “ideal” that is written about in popular BDSM literature. However, there are things that can help overcome the barriers that ADHD puts up in a kink dynamic.

The main thing to remember is that D/s is not one size fits all. You can customise and change how your relationship looks. You are not a failure if it does not look like the glamorised novels. Anyone can be a submissive. All you need to do is identify as one and find someone who adores you and your style.

Redridingbrat is a switchy brat who loves nothing more than to engage her submissive side. Her main experiences involve rope, D/s and discussions surrounding disability within the kink community.

Header for a post about wand vibrators and anorgasmia from antidepressants

How Wand Vibrators Helped Me Find My Sexual Desire Again When Antidepressants Killed It

Published on December 11, 2021March 21, 2026 by Amy

I’ve been on antidepressants for the majority of my adult life, trying three different medications before I found the one that works for me. I’ve had some shame about this over the years, but these days I am very pro-medication for those who need it. I’m not exaggerating when I say that my mental health meds saved my life on more than one occasion. Unfortunately, antidepressants are known to decrease sexual desire for many people, and my first two antidepressants also killed my libido.

Wand vibrators - Honey Wand from Honey Play Box — Honey Wand by Honey Play Box

Like any medications, antidepressants often have side effects. These can range in severity from mildly annoying to seriously debilitating. Sexual side effects are common and can include erectile dysfunction, loss of desire, anorgasmia, and more.

How Antidepressants Killed My Libido and Ability to Orgasm

My first antidepressant was Fluoxetine (Prozac), which killed my libido for the entire nine months I was taking it. Anything that had been pleasurable before just felt like… nothing. This wasn’t limited to sex, either. I also lost my appetite and all ability to derive pleasure from food.

On Citalopram, I lost my ability to orgasm while my body adjusted to the meds. Needless to say, this was incredibly upsetting and frustrating. Feeling like I had no control over my body and like I’d lost one of my greatest sources of pleasure was so damaging that I seriously considered coming off the meds that were otherwise helping with my depression.

The first time antidepressants killed my libido, was so thoroughly miserable (both from the depression and from the side effects of the meds) that I wasn’t even interested in reclaiming it. I’m pretty sure I didn’t have sex or masturbate for about nine months at one stage. In hindsight, this probably made things even worse, because my sexuality has always been one of the key ways that I access pleasure and joy. At that time, I didn’t own any sex toys, and any touch from either myself or my partner left me cold.

The second time antidepressants didn’t kill my libido entirely, but they did decrease it. They took the edge off the worst of the sadness and hopelessness, and I found myself wanting sex occasionally. But I couldn’t orgasm, either with my partner or by myself. Though orgasm is not necessarily the goal of sex, this quickly became frustrating and then maddening. I felt like my body was betraying me. Like I had to choose between having a properly functioning brain and a satisfying sex life.

Overcoming Anorgasmia with Sex Toys and Advocating For My Pleasure

The turning point in reclaiming by libido and orgasms came when my then-partner suggested trying a wand vibrator. It finally broke through the orgasm block and, once that dam broke, it became easier and easier to get there again. I invested in a wand for myself pretty quickly after that, and it became my go-to toy.

My third and current antidepressant, Sertraline, mercifully hasn’t decreased my libido or decreased my ability to orgasm. When I decided to go back on medication, I made it very clear to my doctor that losing my desire for sex (or my ability to orgasm) again wasn’t an option.

Wand Vibrators As a Tool Against Depression

Despite having finally found an antidepressant that doesn’t kill my libido, my mental health still has an impact on my sexuality. Contrary to popular belief, it’s still possible to feel horny at the same time as being depressed. Sad people need pleasure and orgasms, too! There have also been many times in my life when I haven’t felt horny, but I knew intellectually that an orgasm would make me feel better.

Sometimes, when I’m very very depressed, I feel as though there’s a kind of fog around me. The fog keeps me at least partly disconnected from everything and everyone around me. At its worst, it creates a sense of being somewhat outside and detached from my own body.

In this state, many types of touch that would normally be pleasurable struggle to penetrate the fog. When that happens, I need intense stimulation and lots of it. It’s times like this that I might crave certain BDSM activities even more than usual. It’s also times like this when knock-your-socks-off powerful wand vibes are a godsend. It might be possible to power through to orgasm with a lacklustre, buzzy vibrator but… why bother?

Whether my libido is being killed my antidepressants or decreased by depression itself, a good wand vibrator can wrench an orgasm from my body with very little active input from me. With a powerful enough wand, I basically just put it in the right spot and wait for the orgasm to happen. In this way, I can access pleasure and the positive physical and mental health benefits of orgasm even when I feel so low I don’t want to leave my bed.

What I Learned When Antidepressants Killed My Libido: Sexual Pleasure Matters

When someone is dealing with severe health issues, either physical or mental, it’s often tempting to see sexual pleasure as trivial. Certainly when I spoke to my doctor about antidepressants killing my libido and decreasing my ability to orgasm, they dismissed my concerns. Did I want sex or did I want to not be sad? Because I couldn’t have both.

Except I actually could. I needed and deserved to have both.

If you’re struggling with pleasure or orgasm due to health issues and medication, I want you to hear this: sexual pleasure matters. It’s not trivial and it’s not unimportant. If it’s important to you, then it matters. And you deserve to have what you need to feel sexually satisfied, whether that’s a change of medication, a super powerful vibrator, or just to change up what you’re doing.

Thanks to Honey Play Box for sponsoring this post. All views and experiences are my own!