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[Toy Review] Noje Wand Mini Vibrator

Published on by Amy

Update: The Blush Novelties Noje Wand was originally sent to me by The Pleasure Garden. This version of the Noje Wand is no longer available, but a purple version with two attachments is still available as the Noje Delite from Sex Toys UK, retailing for £53.06. Otherwise, the product appears to be the same.

What is the Blush Novelties Noje Wand?

The Blush Novelties Noje mini wand vibrator is a teeny-tiny little thing. At just 13cm in length, it fits neatly in my hand. It looks like a miniature version of the classic wand vibrator shape, only with a curved handle. Weighing in at just 67g, the Noje Wand is a great choice if heavier toys are difficult for you.

Can we just take a second to acknowledge how pretty this mint/turquoise green shade is?

The Noje Magic Wand mint green vibrator in a womans hand

The body of the toy is ABS plastic and the head is covered with a body-safe silicone cap. This cap pops off and back on easily, so you can wash or sterilise it easily. The Noje Magic Wand is rechargeable via the included magnetic cable and is fully waterproof.

Power: The Noje Wand Packs a Punch

Don’t let the small size fool you – the Blush Novelties Noje Wand has some serious power behind it.

The Noje Magic Wand mint green vibrator on a black and white sheet

Blush has a track record of using great motors in its toys, and the Noje Wand is no exception. It has ten settings in total, five constant vibration speeds and five patterns. The lower levels start out with a deep rumble, building up to some impressive power at the higher speeds.

Of course, since this toy is so small, you don’t get the same level of broad all-over stimulation that you’d get with a full-size wand. However, if you’re after something a little more focused and a lot easier to hold, a good mini wand like the Blush Noje is a great choice.

Other Design Features

I’m torn on the flexible neck design of this toy. On the one hand, it’s great because it means you can angle the toy precisely and get it exactly where you want it. The downside, though, is that it makes it difficult to get any significant pressure.

The Noje Magic Wand operates on a one-button interface, with the button located on the base of the toy. It is large and easy to press. You hold the button down to switch the toy on, press it to cycle through the patterns and speeds, and hold it down again to switch the toy off. I do wish it had dual-directional controls, as having to cycle through all the speeds to go back one step is always annoying.

The Noje Magic Wand mint green vibrator in a womans hand

The Noje Wand’s battery life is decent. I got about 90 minutes of use out of a full two-hour charge.

It’s pretty quiet, too. If a full-size wand is too noisy for you, a smaller version like this can be a good compromise between volume and power.

One downside I noticed about the Blush Noje Wand is that it gets warm very quickly in use. The head started getting noticeably hot after about only about ten minutes. It wasn’t hot enough to injure me, and the toy continued functioning just fine, but I do worry about what’s happening to the motor underneath if it heats up that fast.

Noje Wand: Verdict

Some imperfections notwithstanding, the Blush Novelties Noje Wand is a winner overall. It packs a lot of power into a small, fairly quiet, and super-cute package that comes at a reasonable price.

Thank you to The Pleasure Garden for sending me the Noje Magic Wand in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links appear in this post. As always, all opinions and experiences are my own!

A cat being petted. Header image for a post about consent lessons from cats

[Guest Blog] What Cats Can Teach Us About Boundaries by Quenby

Published on by Amy3 Comments

In this guest post, Quenby (they/them) explores lessons in boundaries from a cat. I’ve long been in awe of cats for their ability to express their wants and assert their boundaries without apology, and I absolutely loved this piece when it landed in my inbox.

Amy x

What Cats Can Teach Us About Boundaries by Quenby

Recently I was discussing boundaries with my datemate AJ, and they said something that stuck with me. “When it comes to physical affection, I’m a bit like a cat!” (And no, this isn’t a piece about kitten play!)

This was a cute moment between the two of us, but the more I think about it, the more I realise that cats really do have some important lessons to teach us about setting, maintaining, and asserting boundaries.

It Can Take Time

You don’t walk straight up to a cat and pet them. Instead, you give them space and let the cat come to you.

Whether it’s your first time meeting someone or you’ve been dating them for a while, sometimes you need to give your partner space. As a person who tends towards physical affection, this took me some time to get used to. It’s still something I have to check myself on occasionally. By respecting my partners’ boundaries as I would with a cat, I can come in without expectations and give them time to relax and adjust to my presence.

Letting a partner come to me can help ensure they’re comfortable and helps build the trust needed for us to feel safe lowering our inhibitions and exploring different forms of affection. If you don’t respect these basic physical boundaries, you’ll just end up chasing a disgruntled cat around the house.

If a Cat Wants to Be Stroked, It Will Let You Know

When a cat wants a belly rub, they will let you know. And when they want food, they will definitely let you know! Cats understand instinctively that affection must be given and received on terms that everyone enjoys, and they won’t hesitate to assert their boundaries if they’re no longer enjoying it.

It’s the same with humans. You have to pay attention to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal signals and take cues from them. As part of this, we can also draw on the idea of love languages (the different ways in which people show that they care for each other.) Ultimately, you need to communicate with a partner and find the ways you can express affection in a way that everyone appreciates. Because otherwise it’s not about your partner and it’s not about sharing a connection. It’s just about taking what you want from the other person.

When a Cat Decides They’ve Had Enough, They Will Assert Their Boundaries By Walking Away

For consent to be meaningful, it must be ongoing. Consent is not a single moment, and it certainly doesn’t mean agreeing to something and then being obliged to stick with it. Just as a cat will communicate its boundaries by walking away mid-petting if it’s had enough, it is always okay to stop if you’re no longer enjoying something.

When your partner is right in front of you, excited for something that you also really wanted moments before, it can be hard to speak up. But (and let’s say it together this time): if you stop enjoying something, it’s always okay to stop! And if your partner doesn’t respect that, they are in the wrong. And that leads us neatly to the final lesson.

Cats Aren’t Generally Aggressive in Communicating Their Boundaries… But They Will Lash Out if Provoked

If you repeatedly overstep a cat’s boundaries, those claw marks on your face will be your own fucking fault.

If somebody fails to respect your boundaries after you’ve communicated them, then you are entitled to be pissed off at that person. They’ve fucked up and must take responsibility for pushing those boundaries. You have a right to establish boundaries and you have a right to enforce those boundaries.

This is intended as a lighthearted take on a serious topic. Human relationships and boundaries are too complex and nuanced to be comprehensively explained by cats. But I think the core lessons that I’ve drawn out in this piece are a good starting point. Make time and space to develop trust. Listen to what each person is saying. Above all, respect the right to boundaries. Respect that those boundaries might change, and set and maintain your own boundaries in good faith.

Lessons Cats Can’t Teach Us About Boundaries

Despite everything I said above, it is also important to recognise that cats are not perfect models for boundaries and consent practices. Below is a non-comprehensive list of lessons my partner’s cat really needs to learn on this subject.

  • You should ask before showing someone your asshole. I’m sure it’s lovely, but that’s not a dynamic I want to explore with you.
  • Stabbing someone’s thighs should be negotiated ahead of time. There are nicer ways to ask for attention, you vicious little cutie.
  • Climbing into bed while a couple are having sex is considered rude. Yes, we both love you, but in a very different way to how we love one another.

Quenby is a queer perfomer, writer, and activist. If you liked this post you can check out their blog.

Header image for a review of the Satisfyer Balls kegel exercisers

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Balls

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Kegel balls, sometimes called Ben-wa balls, pleasure balls, or kegel exercisers, are duos or trios of small weighted balls that are inserted into the vagina. Some vibrate, others do not. They are designed to assist with kegel exercises by forcing the vaginal muscles to contract around them to keep them in place. Satisfyer sent me a set of their V Balls kegel balls to try out.

My hand holding a set of red Satisfyer kegel balls

Do Kegel Balls Work? What the Science Says

There are a lot of claims around kegel balls. The benefits of performing regular kegel exercises are well known: they strengthen the pelvic floor, which has potential benefits including reducing urinary incontinence and reducing the risk of prolapse. Some also claim they can boost sexual pleasure and increase the regularity and intensity of orgasm:

“The potential benefits of doing Kegel exercises on a regular basis include: greater ease in achieving orgasm, increased intensity of orgasm, increased lubrication, heightened control over sensation during penetration, and protection against urinary incontinence and bladder prolapse.” (Bartlik et al, 2010)

But do kegel balls like Satisfyer’s V Balls help compared to performing kegel exercises without them? The evidence is less conclusive.

One 2013 study examined the effect of “vaginal spheres” (kegel exercisers) in the treatment of stress urinary incontinence and found a statistically significant difference in the improvement shown by women who used the spheres vs those who performed kegel exercises without. A different study, however, used “weighted vaginal cones” to treat urinary incontinence, and found that “there was little evidence of difference for a subjective cure between cones and pelvic floor muscle training” (Herbison & Dean, 2013.)

Anecdotally, balls may help by making the user more likely to actually do their exercises, rather than making the exercises more effective by themselves. They don’t do much automatically and still require user effort if you’re looking to use them for pelvic floor training specifically.

What About Kegel Balls as a Sex Toy?

Outside of their potential pelvic health benefits, kegel balls are most commonly sold and used as sex toys for the purpose of pleasure.

If you’re someone who enjoys vaginal penetration, walking or moving around with a toy like the Satisfyer V Balls inside you can be intensely pleasurable.

Walking or moving around with inside you can feel amazing if you’re a person who enjoys vaginal penetration. I find that on the occasions I’ve worn kegel balls for any length of time, they can keep me at a heightened level of arousal the entire time. Wearing kegel balls can also be fun as part of a power exchange game, if you’re into that.

Basically, treat kegel balls as a sex toy and not as a medical device, and you’re more likely to have fun!

Satisfyer V Balls

The Satisfyer V Balls come in sets of three peanut-shaped duos with a looped handle for easy retrieval. Each is in a different colour (blue, pink, and red) and they are all made of body-safe silicone. They look like this:

Official product image of the Satisfyer Kegel Balls

Each of the two balls has a weight inside, and each set gets progressively heavier. They weigh in at 60g, 75.6g, and 91.6g respectively. The increasing weight provides different levels of stimulation and intensity to choose from. If you’re using kegel balls as an addition to pelvic floor-strengthening exercises, a higher weight can also increase resistance and therefore effectiveness.

Measuring just over an inch in diameter and with a total insertable length of 6.9cm, the Satisfyer V Balls offer an enjoyable sense of fullness without being uncomfortably large. Each ball has some gentle ridges, which may provide additional internal stimulation to some users.

The balls themselves, and the joins between them, feel well-made and sturdy. However, the handle loops are pretty thin and flimsy. They stretch when pulled, making them ineffective for helping to remove the balls from the vagina. Though mine have held out so far, I don’t see them lasting very long with regular usr.

With that said, these sets are inexpensive and, since you get three pairs of balls in different weights, pretty good value. If you’re new to using kegel balls or want to experiment with different weights and intensities, they’re not a bad place to start. You can buy them from The Pleasure Garden for £39.99.

Thanks to Satisfyer for sending me the V Balls to review. All views are, as always, my own. Purchasing through the affiliate links in this post helps to support my work.

Cup of tea. For a post about acts of service as a love language in kink

The Kinky Love Languages: Acts of Service

Published on by Amy2 Comments

This is the last post in my “five love languages for kink” series, and today we’re talking acts of service. I deliberately left this one until last. Out of the five love languages from the original framework, it is perhaps the easiest to apply to a kink and BDSM context. After all, service submission is a whole kink in and of itself! If your partner speaks this love language and you want some ideas for how to apply acts of service to your dominance or submission, keep reading.

What is the Acts of Service Love Language?

The acts of service love language can best be summed up as “actions speak louder than words.” It’s all about doing things for the other person, and specifically things that reduce their workload or make their life easier. This love language prioritises thoughtfulness and care in the small, day to day things that improve someone’s quality of life.

Wait, Isn’t Service Part of Submission? How Can a Dominant Perform Acts of Service!?

Many people might assume that a submissive wouldn’t want to receive love through acts of service. They might think that it would undermine a D/s relationship for a Dominant to show love in this way. But this is a pretty reductive understanding of both this love language, and D/s relationship dynamics. Service doesn’t have to be synonymous with submission or subservience.

The Five Love Languages site suggests things like doing the dishes, collecting their mail, and getting up in the middle of the night for childcare duties as acts of service partners can do for one another. At their core, acts of service are just about taking care of each other. And if you’re a Dominant, I believe that one of the most important parts of your role is taking care of your submissive.

Exactly what “care” means in this context is, of course, open to interpretation and will depend upon your dynamic. A Daddy Dom will likely care for their submissive in a different way to a sadist, and a pet player will show care differently to an Owner in an Owner/property dynamic.

So, yes, making your submissive dinner might be considered an act of service. You can do this out of love and to show care. You can also frame it as an act of dominance, if you like. Think of it like this: your submissive is your most cherished possession. That means taking care of them (for example, by making sure they get proper nourishment) is paramount. Taking a chore off their hands when they’re exhausted, running an errand to save them time on a busy day, or picking up their medication for them can all be acts of service to show your partner that they’re loved and ways of taking care of your favourite toy. As a Dominant, acts of service coming from you aren’t submission, they’re care.

Even though you’re in a relationship based on dominance and submission, it’s still a relationship. You might have negotiated an unequal power imbalance, but you both still exist in the real world. In that world you need to be equal human beings with responsibilities that you take on together. Shouldering your fair share of the load is not only both attractive (and Dominant) as hell, but necessary to keep a relationship healthy and functioning.

Service Submission and Other Acts of Service Ideas for Submissives

Service, in the context of performing acts of service as submission, is very often a part of a D/s relationship. This will look different in every relationship, and if service submission is your thing (or your partner loves receiving it and you’re happy to give it,) you’ll need to negotiate what that looks like for you.

Ask your Dominant, if they haven’t already told you, what specific forms of service work best for them. Perhaps you always make their drink in the morning or iron their favourite shirt. Maybe you polish their boots before a party or have dinner on the table when they get back from work.

Try to balance routine and flexibility. Routine can help to build a dynamic and a submissive headspace, as well as showing consistency and reliability. But flexibility is essential when circumstances, people, and needs inevitably change (which they will.)

Acts of service submission can also relate directly to your kinky play. Cleaning toys after a session, coiling your Dominant’s rope in the way they like it, or making sure you have their favourite brand of lube before they come over all count as acts of service. Sexual service, if you’re into that, can also be incredibly hot.

Acts of Service Ideas for All Roles and Dynamics

Regardless of your role or dynamic in your relationship, the keys to successful acts of service are:

  1. Doing things without being asked, at least sometimes.
  2. Going above and beyond the usual call of duty.

No-one expects you to be a mind-reader and know exactly what your partner wants without them asking. But you probably know them at least reasonably well, so use that knowledge to find little ways to perform service for them without being prompted.

Run to the store when you’ve run out of milk before they get up and make their morning coffee. Put a hot water bottle in bed for them on a cold night. Make them lunch before a long work day. Do the chore that’s usually theirs when they’ve had a long day. The significance here isn’t in grand gestures, but in finding little everyday ways to show consideration, love, and service through your submission or dominance.

“Above and beyond” just means that doing the expected 50%-ish of shared relationship and domestic labour isn’t enough by itself (though it is important!) You need to go a step beyond that at least sometimes. If your partner’s love language is acts of service, the quickest way to make them feel unloved and unseen is to do the bare minimum you can get away with.

We-Vibe Chorus review header image featuring the toy, remote, and a smartphone

[Toy Review] We-Vibe Chorus

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Update 2026: a new version of this classic toy for couples, the We-Vibe Chorus Pro, is now out! I have left this We-Vibe Chorus review up because this older version is still available from some retailers.

There are a number of buzzwords and phrases, frequently used to describe sex toys, of which I am highly sceptical. One of these is “for couples”. Another is “hands free”. The We-Vibe Chorus claims to be both of these things. However, my experiences with We-Vibe over the years have been almost universally positive, so with my hopeful-but-ready-to-be-disappointed face firmly in place, I set out to test the new We-Vibe Chorus for you all.

What is the We-Vibe Chorus Vibrator for Couples?

Official product image for We-Vibe Chorus vibrator for couples review

The We-Vibe Chorus is a wearable vibrator with two arms: one that sits inside the vagina, and another that rests against the clitoris. The idea is that it provides extra clitoral stimulation for the wearer during penetrative sex.

Inside you’ll find the toy and remote, a charging cable, and a dock that functions as both travel case and charging station. The Chorus is IPX7 waterproof (i.e. submersible) and USB rechargeable, with a full charge giving around 90 minutes of runtime.

The We-Vibe Chorus is made of soft and squishy matte silicone and comes in three colours. Mine is “Cosmic Pink.” It has a sort of shiny-sparkly effect that’s really pretty.

We-Vibe Chorus Review: What’s New?

The Chorus is the latest iteration of We-Vibe’s signature “wearable” vibrators designed for (primarily cishetero) couples. But how is this one different?

The We-Vibe Chorus and remote

The most obvious upgrade, when we compare the Chorus to the Sync (its most recent predecessor,) is the introduction of the squeeze remote. The tighter you squeeze the remote, the more intense the vibration gets. You can turn squeeze control off with the small button at the top of your remote if you don’t like it.

There’s also new touch-sense tech, which responds to your movements against the sensor and changes the intensity of the vibrations to match depending on which setting you’ve selected. You can turn touch-sense off through the We-Connect app, if you want to. Overall, I found this function’s responsiveness too unpredictable to be pleasurable, and quickly turned it off.

Another significant upgrade to this model is that it is adjustable in two places. Not only can you adjust the distance between the two arms, you can also alter the angle of the internal arm for a more comfortable and stimulating fit. Bodies come in a wide range of shapes and sizes, and one size will never fit all. I find getting poked in the vaginal walls off-putting and the opposite of erotic (weird, I know!) so being able to adjust the Chorus to actually sit comfortably in my body was a game-changer.

Finally, the Chorus is the first We-Vibe product to use a mix of AnkorLink and Bluetooth technology to connect it to the We-Connect app. The difference here was extremely noticeable when I compared the Chorus to earlier We-Vibe products I’ve reviewed. The connection was much more stable and the responses much more consistent.

In conclusion, the Chorus might superficially resemble We-Vibe’s previous offerings, but you get so much more bang for your buck.

In Use for Couples (and Solo Players)

I’ve said before that I find the marketing of “toys for couples” annoying. A toy for a couple is literally anything you use with a partner! Also, that particular phrase generally means “toys you wear during penis-in-vagina intercourse,” which betrays such a narrow understanding of 1) what a couple is and 2) what sex is.

That notwithstanding, the We-Vibe Chorus is a good option if you’re a couple looking for a toy to wear during penetrative sex. The slender and adjustable internal arm makes for a comfortable fit for all different kinds of vulvas and the external arm provides powerful clitoral stimulation (which 70-90% of vulva-owners need to reach orgasm) through a strong and rumbly motor.

It’s not truly hands-free, though, as it does slip around if you’re doing some particularly vigorous thrusting. However I adjusted it, I could not get it to stay firmly in place. Every time I moved more than a little, it would shift and move away from my clit. I ended up using one hand to hold it in place and the other hand to operate the remote.

Worth noting: the lovely Phallophile Reviews suggests that wearing tight knickers (such as Spanx) helps the We-Vibe Chorus stay in place if you want a truly hands-free experience. So that’s something to try!

Do You Need to Use the App to Enjoy this Toy?

Not really!

I tested the app to write this We-Vibe Chorus review but I haven’t used it since (and I have absolutely used the toy since.)

The We-Vibe app is a nice extra, and adds some bonus options such as handing over control to a partner from anywhere in the world, creating your own vibration patterns, and video calling or text chatting. However, you don’t need it and the remote control is more than adequate for controlling the toy if using an app doesn’t sound fun or sexy to you.

We-Vibe Chorus Review: Verdict

Overall, I’m seriously impressed with the Chorus! Despite the hands-free issues, it has a great motor and comes with numerous additional features.

The We-Vibe Chorus is available from Shevibe and directly from We-Vibe (North America or Europe.)

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product to review! All opinions are my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.

Two people kissing and holding, their faces unseen. Header for a post on the physical touch love language

The Kinky Love Languages: Physical Touch

Published on by Amy

It’s time for the penultimate “Kinky Love Languages” post, in which I explore the five love languages and ways that they can relate to kinky relationships. Today we’re exploring some physical touch love language ideas and how you can make this language work for you.

What is the Physical Touch Love Language?

When people think of the love language of physical touch, they often think of sex first. And, yes, sex is part of this language for many people. But it’s far from the only part. A person whose love language is physical touch is likely to value things like cuddling, holding hands, hugs, and kisses. Even small gestures like an arm around their shoulder as you watch TV or a gentle, affectionate touch as you pass each other can mean a lot.

By the way: people who are asexual, including sex-repulsed aces, can still have this love language. There are so many amazing forms of non sexual touch to explore.

Physical Touch Love Language Ideas for Submissive Partners

A submissive who speaks the love language of touch is likely to place high value on the physical aspects of BDSM. Think the thud of a flogger across their back, the feeling of rope tightening against their skin, the raw intimacy of a spanking, the feeling of your hand in their hair, or the sensation of your teeth nibbling their neck.

If your submissive speaks this love language, it’s more important than ever to make plenty of time for close, physical, and intimate kinky play.

For a submissive who experiences love through physicality, the touch of their Dominant can be its own reward. Caress their cheek when you tell them you’re pleased with them. Give them a few swats on the ass before bed. Stroke their hair. If you want to reinforce certain behaviours or just make your submissive feel loved, give them plenty of physical affection. Touch them lovingly, easily, and often.

When you’re out in public or at a party, gestures that keep them physically close—holding their hand, putting an arm around them, or placing your hand on the small of their back—can make them feel treasured.

Think about physical body positions, too. Some subs who enjoy physical touch may also enjoy things like submissive postures, being human furniture, or sitting at your feet.

Many submissives want to feel taken care of by a Dominant. You can incorporate physical touch into the ways you care for your sub by, for example, washing or brushing their hair, helping them with personal care activities like shaving, or even feeding them from your hand.

Doms Like Cuddles, Too! Physical Touch Ideas for Dominants

People tend to forget that most Dominants like hugs and cuddles just as much as anyone else. For Dominants whose love language is physical touch, submissive partners have so many opportunities to incorporate this into submission or service.

Again, the physical side of kink is likely to be hugely important to your Dominant if this is their love language. So make time for kinky play, prioritise it in your schedule, and do your best to stick to any play dates you arrange. A Dominant who loves physical touch is unlikely to be comfortable functioning as a “service Top” (someone who takes on a Dominant role primarily to pleasure their partner) most or all of the time. Make sure their physical needs and desires are met in your scenes as well.

While sex and kinky play can play a key role in speaking this love language, non sexual touch and general physical affection are just as important.

Learning to give a really good back massage or foot rub can be a wonderful gift for your Dominant who loves physical touch. You could also include physical closeness by doing intimate and body-based tasks for them such as painting their nails, styling their hair, shaving their legs, or washing their back.

There are also many ways to demonstrate loving submission through physical affection. Try laying your head on their lap or shoulder, curling up close to them on the couch so they can pet you, or kissing whichever parts of their body they like to have kissed.

Things to Remember No Matter Your Role

Physical intimacy can look so many different ways, and it’s slightly different for every relationship. If you or your partner speaks the physical touch love language, prioritising sex and kinky play might well be important to you. It’s also important to make plenty of time and space for cuddles, kissing, holding hands, non sexual touch, and the kind of easy physical closeness that can come in a long-term relationship.

Physical touch is probably the hardest love language to meet if you’re in a long distance relationship. There are still things you can do if you get creative. Give your partner a soft toy to hug. Give them a shirt that smells like you to sleep with. Invest in some really good app-controlled sex toys so you can touch them sexually by proxy. But realistically, if one or both of you feels strongly connected to the love language of physical touch, you’re going to need to make an effort to see each other in person as often as you can.

Pink rabbit vibrator on white surface. Text in white inside a pink heart reads "masturbation in a relationship"

Masturbation in a Relationship: Good, Normal, and Healthy

Published on by Amy4 Comments

The subject of masturbation in a relationship is surprisingly divisive. A shocking number people still believe masturbation is cheating or that once you’re in a relationship or married, your partner has exclusive rights to you as a sexual being. Others feel guilt, shame, or worry that they’re broken or “addicted” if they still masturbate while they’re in a relationship.

Of all the myths about masturbation I wish would die, the idea that people in relationships don’t (or shouldn’t) masturbate is near the top of the list.

Masturbation is not only normal, but also healthy and good for you. This applies equally whether you’re partnered or single. Let’s look at some really good reasons to engage in some self-love regardless of your relationship status.

Your Only Lifelong Sexual Relationship Will Be With Yourself

Relationships come and go. Most of us are not constantly in a relationship from the moment we become aware of our sexual desires to the moment we die. Even if you’re in one monogamous relationship your entire adult life, there will be times when sex is off the cards whether due to illness, medication, ageing, mismatched desire, or geographical separation. Most of us will go through periods of being in relationships and periods of being single throughout our lives.

But whoever else is or isn’t in our lives (and beds,) our longest and most enduring sexual relationship will always be with ourselves.

Masturbation is one of the greatest ways to build a positive sexual relationship with yourself. It gives you the tools to satisfy yourself sexually without the need for anyone else. It contributes to positive sexual self-esteem, increased pleasure, and better mood.

Masturbation in Relationships Can Improve Your Partnered Sex

Few things are hotter than a sexual partner who knows exactly what they like and knows how to ask for it. And do you know what masturbation is amazing for? Teaching you what you like and allowing you to discover new things.

Exploring your own body gives you the tools to tell (or show) present and future partners how you like to be touched. And, since bodies change throughout our lifetimes for many reasons, this is an ongoing process of self exploration and learning.

Masturbation helps to keep your knowledge of your own body sharp. It also reduces fear of change in your body, because you already know how to roll with this change and adapt to meet your body where it’s at.

Masturbation Can Take the Pressure Off

Relying on one person to meet all of your sexual needs can be a lot of pressure for both of you. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, exploring with other people is understandably off the table. But exploring with yourself absolutely shouldn’t be.

If having sex with your partner is the only way you can get your sexual needs met, that creates an environment that is more likely to lead to coercion or pressure, even if unintentional. But if you have a rich sexual relationship with yourself, you can meet your own needs when your desire and your partner’s don’t line up.

Masturbation in a Relationship Doesn’t Mean There is Anything Wrong With Your Sex Life

“My partner shouldn’t need to masturbate, they have me!”

After more than 15 years of being sexually active, I’ve realised that the amount I masturbate has almost nothing to do with the amount (or, frankly, the quality) of partnered sex I’m having. I couldn’t find any robust data on this subject but, anecdotally at least, this appears to be a fairly typical experience.

Some people even report that they masturbate more when they’re having great sex with a partner. A satisfying sex life can give your overall level of desire a boost, creating a virtuous circle where pleasure begets desire begets pleasure.

Long story short, your partner masturbating does not mean your sex life together is somehow lacking or unsatisfactory.

Masturbation and Sex Fulfill Different Needs

Masturbation and partnered sex are different. Partnered sex can be as much about the connection, the dynamic, and the interplay between partners as about the physical sensations. Masturbation can be about anything from exploring new sensations to indulging in a fantasy world to just releasing some tension so you can go to sleep.

Partnered sex is about both (or all) the people involved. Masturbation can be just about you. And it’s okay to desire and enjoy both, in different ways and for different reasons.

Your Body Belongs to You

This is really the bottom line in the question of masturbation in a relationship. Your body is yours, and you are the only person who gets to decide what you do with it. Whatever your relationship status, you don’t need anyone’s permission to have a sexual relationship with yourself.

A relationship is a mutual and consensual exchange between two (or more) people. It does not imply ownership over the other person, their body, or their sexuality. If your partner thinks they have a right to control or limit your solo sex life, it can be a red flag for coercive control.

Resources and Further Reading

Gay couple pressing their foreheads together, for a post about the quality time love language, kinky date ideas and ways to bring this love language into a kinky relationship

The Kinky Love Languages: Quality Time

Published on by Amy

This is the third in a series of five posts covering the five love languages as applied to kink and BDSM. If you don’t know your love language, take the quiz linked above to find out! Today we’re talking the love language of “quality time”, with some kinky date ideas and other ways to make the most of this love language in your D/s relationship.

What is the Quality Time Love Language?

A person whose love language is quality time is all about spending meaningful, connective time with the people they love. Sounds easy enough, right? But in long term relationships, and particularly nesting relationships, quality time often gives way to “we’re just generally around each other a lot.”

Scrolling on your phones at opposite ends of the couch without talking is not quality time.

Quality time can be particularly hard in a long distance relationship. People who work long hours, have children, are disabled or chronically ill, or have a limited income may also experience unique challenges with this love language.

Kinky Date Ideas and More for Submissives Who Love Quality Time

For many submissives, the greatest gift is their Dominant’s undivided time and attention. Focused quality time shows your submissive that they are wanted, valued, and loved.

If your submissive loves quality time, a kinky date night is always a great idea. This might mean staying in and getting your kink on in your bedroom, or it might mean taking them out to a fetish club, kinky event, or play party.

You can also kink up a regular date night. For example, you could order your submissive to wear a butt plug throughout the movie or edge three times before you take them out to dinner.

Not all your quality time together has to be active play time, of course. Even in a D/s relationship, snuggling on the couch is lovely. Non-scene connective time can show your submissive that you love them as a person and partner, not just as a kinky plaything.

Ritual, Routine and Quality Time

Rituals and routines can be comforting and connective for many people who value quality time highly, and particularly for many submissives. They provide consistency and a reliable point of connection at regular intervals where your attention is on each other.

Rituals can be simple or elaborate. They can be seemingly-mundane (“make my coffee for me the way I like it, then sit with me quietly while I drink it”) or have a play element to them. I know of one D/s couple who started each day with the Dominant choosing the submissive’s underwear for the day. Spankings before bed are another common and fun choice.

Connective routines can be as simple as watching an episode of your favourite TV show together each evening ot setting aside Friday nights to be your glass-of-wine-and-debrief-of-the-week time.

Kinky Date Ideas and More for Dominants Who Love Quality Time

If you’re a submissive, it can be tempting to think that all you need to do to make a Dominant happy is show up and get your ass beaten. This might work at first but it’s unlikely to lead to a happy long-term relationship, particularly if your Dominant’s love language is quality time.

Many people assume that date planning is the Dominant’s responsibility in a kinky relationship, but this doesn’t have to be the case. Many D-types love to be wooed and are seriously impressed when a submissive comes up with new kinky date ideas, surprises them with a spontaneous adventure, or goes above and beyond to make them feel loved.

If your Dominant likes surprises, tell them you’re taking them on an adventure. If necessary, give them some bare-bones information on what to wear or pack, then do all the planning to make something cool happen for the two of you. You can easily view making plans that will make their eyes light up as an act of service. If they’re not a fan of surprises, ask their permission to treat them to a date night/day/weekend doing any activity they want to do.

Another possibility for your Dominant is to give them the gift of you, completely available with no interruptions, for a period of time to have their kinky fun with. “I sent the kids to a babysitter, my phone is off, dinner is ready.. and I’m all yours for the whole night!” What a yummy and wonderful gift.

Quality Time in a Kinky Relationship: Tips for Everyone

Regardless of dynamic and role, quality time is key to all relationships. This is especially true if it’s one of your main love languages. Whether you’re a Dominant or a submissive, the best gift you can give to a partner with this love language is an evening, day, or weekend of your undivided attention. Time where you can relax, do fun things together, and enjoy being in each other’s company are crucial. If you don’t live together, this can include remote time.

Planning quality time is also a part of this love language. This might be coming up with kinky date ideas together, sexting about all the things you’re going to do next time you have chance to play, or looking at travel guides together to decide where you want to go on holiday. Having plans to look forward to can be an amazing boost for your relationship and can make people with the quality time love language feel loved and seen.

What NOT To Do

If your partner’s love language is quality time, being consistent and reliable is essential. Emergencies happen occasionally, of course, but being flaky or cancelling plans is just about the worst thing you can do to someone with this love language.

Make plans and stick to them.

If you’re enjoying this series, you can show your appreciation by buying me a coffee.

Couple in a hot tub, header for a sponsored post on creating a killer swinger dating profile

How to Write a Killer Swinger Dating Profile

Published on by Amy

Swinging refers, broadly speaking, to an arrangement where couples have casual sex with other couples or individuals outside of their relationship. It is a form of consensual non-monogamy, but differs from polyamory in that it doesn’t generally involve romantic connections. Whether you’re just starting out in swinging or have been checking out local clubs and swinger dating sites, creating a great profile is the first step to meeting fellow swingers online. I’ve partnered with SwingTowns to bring you these swinger dating tips for a great profile.

For the purposes of this post I will assume you’re looking for play partners as a couple. However, most of the advice works just as well for solo swingers.

The Most Important Swinger Dating Profile Tip: Be Honest

I can’t overstate the importance of honesty. You might think it’s no big deal to say you’re 37 when you’re actually 50, but lying simply shows prospective partners that you can’t be trusted. If someone lies about one thing, I wonder what else they’re lying about, from STI testing to whether or not their spouse at home is actually okay with them dating.

So don’t say you have loads of experience when you’re actually brand new to the lifestyle. Don’t lie about your age. And please (yes, I’ve really seen this) don’t pretend to be a couple if you’re actually a single person.

Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be self-deprecating. If you’re struggling to describe yourself in positive terms, ask your partner if you can writing descriptions of each other to go on your shared swinger profile.

Brand new and not sure where to start? Try something like this: “We’re just dipping a toe in right now, so please be gentle with us! We’re in our 40s and would love to meet a sexy couple of a similar age for fun, laughs, and maybe a trip to a swingers’ club.”

Write Coherently and in Full Sentences

No-one is expecting your swinger dating profile to be a literary masterpiece, but making an effort is important. Write in complete sentences, avodi text-speak, and check your profile for typos and spelling errors before you hit “submit.” Break up your sentences with punctuation and use short paragraphs to make your profile easier to read.

Pro tip: if you’re not skilled with words, ask a trusted friend to give your swinging profile a once-over.

Don’t Use Your Genitals as Your Swinger Dating Profile Picture

Swinger sites are about the only place in the online dating world where I’m going to tell you that posting pictures of your genitals is probably okay, if that’s your jam. But don’t use them as your main profile picture, please! Put them in your gallery and limit the number.

Your main profile picture could be your faces if that feels safe and comfortable for you, a clothed body shot, a tasteful nude, or a picture of something that reflects your personalities.

Say What You Can Offer, Not Just What You Want

Nothing is a greater turn-off than a dating profile from people who are clearly only thinking about what they want others to do for them. State what you’re looking for, but remember to show what you can offer too.

Sex, whether casual or committed, should be a mutual exchange for the enjoyment and benefit of everyone involved. This means viewing your partners and potential partners as full human beings, not fantasy-fulfillment machines. Yes, even in the context of swinging.

Posting a super lengthy, tightly scripted scene idea to your swinger profile is likely to scare a lot of people off. So is posting an absurdly specific description of your imaginary “third.” Instead, talk more broadly about the kinds of people you’re looking to meet and give plenty of information on what you can offer.

Try this: “We’re ideally looking to meet other couples at a similar life stage to us. With us you’ll find an educated, friendly, and kinky pair who are just as happy enjoying good wine and excellent conversation as getting down to some fun in the bedroom.”

Keep the Judgemental Comments to Yourself

You’re allowed to like what you like and be attraxted to what you’re attracted to. But shaming others for not conforming to your tastes makes you an asshole.

I’m fully aware that some people won’t be into me because I’m curvy and have body hair. I am at peace with that. Even so, it’s upsetting every time I see my body type described as “disgusting”, and this happens more than you might think. Similarly, you might not be into any kind of kink or BDSM. That’s absolutely fine, but describing other people’s consensual kinks as “freaky shit” is rude.

If someone isn’t for you, moving on to the next profile or replying to their approach with a polite “thanks, but not for us” is all that is required.

Being Responsible is Sexy: Talking About Sexual Health on Your Swinger Profile

When I’m browsing dating profiles, those who mention their sexual health testing regime or use of barriers go straight to the top of the list. Being responsible with your and your partners’ health is not only hot but incredibly necessary in any kind of non-monogamy.

Please don’t use the term “clean” to describe yourselves as being free from STIs. This language is stigmatising. STIs are not dirty, they’re just infections humans sometimes contract in the course of doing normal human things like having sex.

Try this: “we test every three months and last tested negative for everything on [date.] We use barriers for… [insert your protocols here.]”

If you do have a chronic or incurable STI, such as herpes or HIV, it’s important to be upfront about this, too. Don’t be apologetic; there’s nothing wrong with living with one of these conditions! Briefly mention it as a fact of your life and state how you manage it. Some people will be put off, but the rght people for you won’t be. I’d personally much rather have sex with someone who is HSV or even HIV-positive, knows their status, and can take the appropriate precautions than someone who hasn’t tested in a decade and insists they somehow “just know” they’re negative.

Offer Something of Yourselves Beyond the Sexual

However proud you are of your 8″ penis, world-class blow jobs, or penchant for eating pussy for hours, sex isn’t everything even in the world of swinging. Most swingers want to meet human beings they can connect with (even if the connection is brief), not walking sex machines.

So use some of your profile to talk about the things you’re into or the things that matter to you outside of sex. You don’t have to get extremely deep and personal.

Try phrases like these: “we love fine dining and would love someone to show us the best restaurants in town,” “our hobbies include board games, 80s B-movies, and salsa dancing,” or “he’s a gym-bunny and loves to run, she’s more likely to be found with her nose in a book!”

The crux of this tip is to let your sparkling personalities shine through on your swinging profile and show that you can bring more to the table than just sexual prowess.

These swinging dating profile tips were sponsored by Swingtowns, the world’s largest non-monogamous dating site. Join up now and create your swinger profile – it’s free! All opinions and writing are, as always, my own.

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A wrapped present. For a post on the love language of giving and receiving gifts

The Kinky Love Languages: Giving & Receiving Gifts

Published on by Amy1 Comment

I started this series months ago and promptly forgot to finish it. But we’re back and today we’re talking the love language of gifts, and specifically gifts for your Dominant or submissive. Let’s go!

If you don’t know your love language yet, take the quiz to find out. The love languages model is deeply flawed and incomplete, but a useful starting point for thinking about how you like to give and receive love.

A content warning that this post discusses spending money, so if that’s difficult or stressful for you please feel free to skip this one. I have tried to be mindful of different budgets and provide a range of options.

What the “Giving and Receiving Gifts” Love Language Means (and Doesn’t)

Giving and receiving gifts is often looked down upon compared to the other four options in the basic “five love languages” framework (words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch.) Those who feel an affinity with this method of showing and receiving love tend to be viewed as materialistic, shallow, or having a tendency to throw money at a relationship in lieu of actually making an effort.

However, I believe that is unfair.

The people I’ve spoken to for whom giving and receiving gifts is a primary love language take care to point out that it’s not about the money spent or the financial value of the gift. Instead, it’s about the love and affection that goes into picking out the perfect thing for your partner.

The “gifts” in this context do not have to be big, expensive, extravagant presents. In most cases, they probably shouldn’t be. This love language is about paying attention to the things your partner loves or what they need, and giving them things that reflect that care and attention. Gifts for your Dominant or submissive can be as simple as getting their favourite brand of tea before they sleep over, bringing them a bar of chocolate after a bad day, or picking up a cute trinket you saw for £1 because it made you think of them.

So how can this one relate to kinky dynamics?

Gifts for a Submissive: How to Love a Sub with This Love Language

In my experience, very often what submissives want more than anything is to feel truly seen and known by their Dominants. Another thing that is very often important to submissives is to feel taken care of. The love language of gifts gives you, as a Dominant, tonnes of opportunity to provide for these basic and important needs.

So pay attention to what your submissive likes! Listen for cues, watch the things they lust after or buy for themselves. Take note of things like any favourite colours, foods, hobbies or artists. That way, when you’re looking for gifts for a submissive partner, for a special occasion or “just because,” you can get them something really perfect.

Is your submissive always working hard and barely taking time for themselves? You could give them a gift which says “I’m giving you permission to relax.” A nice bath bomb or the latest issue of their favourite magazine? Perhaps the heating in their apartment is wonky, so you buy them a big snuggly blanket to keep them warm on cold days. Have they been wanting to write more? A beautiful notebook might be the perfect present.

Sexy gifts such as sex toys can also be a great option, if your relationship includes sex! Why not surprise your submissive with a new vibrator, masturbator, or a dildo in their favourite colour? They’ll think of you fondly every time they use it.

Making It Meaningful to the Two of You

Finally, consider the meaning of gifts that signify your relationship and importance to each other. You’ll need to negotiate its meaning fully, and I don’t advocate springing this on someone without discussion, but for many submissives, their collar will be the most precious gift they ever receive. If that’s not right for your relationship (or they already have one,) then other gift options for a submissive might be a special piece of jewellery, a harness, some beautiful underwear, or even a kink toy that is only for the two of you to use together.

Gifts for Your Dominant: How to Love a Dom with This Love Language

A good way to think of this is to frame the idea of giving the perfect gifts to your Dominant as an act of service. Many Doms love the idea of a submissive who pays attention and can anticipate their needs. Notice what their favourite snacks are and make sure you have them in. Bring them a coffee when you meet them at the end of a long day. Stressed out Dom? Buy massage oil or a massage candle and read up on how to give a relaxing back rub.

As with any other partner, keep notes on their favourite things and use this knowledge to guide your gift-giving.

A way to take this a step further, if you’re so inclined, is to make it your mission to seek out something special for them that they haven’t been able to get. Is there a book they really want that’s out of print, a game that’s no longer made, or a limited edition version of something that would make their eyes light up? If you have the chance, making an extra effort in this way can be a profound show of both love and service.

Kinking It Up a Step Further

Kinky toys and tools are absolutely ideal gifts to give Dominants, too. Pay attention to what things they pick up and admire when you go to the fetish market together, or what things they’ve mentioned they really want to try. File this information away for later then, when you have occasion to give them a gift, you can surprise them with something that they’ll get endless joy out of using (on you, naturally.) Have you ever given a sadist a new whip as a present? I recommend it.

And kinky presents don’t have to stop at physical things. What about a ticket to a kink event you’ve been wanting to go to together, or a course of lessons in rope, whip technique, or some other skill they’ve been wanting to learn?

If you wish, you could even turn giving gifts to your Dominant into a kinky thing in and of itself. I am far from an expert in “financial Domination,” and it’s something I encourage you to be extremely careful with and set firm limits around… but if the idea of showering your Dom with gifts and treats as part of your submission, or pretending you are being “made” to do it, gets you off then this can be a fun thing to play with. The inimitable Girl on the Net wrote about one perspective on financial domination here and here.

Some More Tips That Work for Anyone

At the end of the day, most people love to receive the kinds of gifts that show thought, consideration, and a true knowledge of who they are. Regardless of whether you’re kinky or vanilla, a Dom or a sub or something else, you can show love to your partner by giving them the occasional well-considered, well-timed gift.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, consider gifts that help your partner feel connected to you. This could be as simple as sneaking a shirt that smells like you into their luggage before they leave, or as elaborate as buying them a fancy app-controlled sex toy for use during your sexting sessions.

Homemade gifts are almost always wonderful. So if you have a talent, use it! I own two paintings and several pieces of jewellery made for me by my partner The Artist, and I absolutely cherish these things. I’ve made everything from chocolate chip cookies to knitted items for loved ones, and they’ve always gone down well.

Finally, gifts don’t have to be physical items! Something I treasure immensely is when a partner gives me a gift of an experience for us to do together. This could be buying dinner at their favourite restaurant, going to see a show together, or almost anything that they’ll love doing and love doing with you. Something that’s both a physical item and an experience, such as a date night kit or couples’ chocolate set, can work particularly well for anyone who sits at the intersection of “receiving gifts” and “quality time” in their love languages.

Looking for some inspiration? Check out my list of sexy gift ideas to get inspired.

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