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Two people kissing and holding, their faces unseen. Header for a post on the physical touch love language

The Kinky Love Languages: Physical Touch

Published on by Amy

It’s time for the penultimate “Kinky Love Languages” post, in which I explore the five love languages and ways that they can relate to kinky relationships. Today we’re exploring some physical touch love language ideas and how you can make this language work for you.

What is the Physical Touch Love Language?

When people think of the love language of physical touch, they often think of sex first. And, yes, sex is part of this language for many people. But it’s far from the only part. A person whose love language is physical touch is likely to value things like cuddling, holding hands, hugs, and kisses. Even small gestures like an arm around their shoulder as you watch TV or a gentle, affectionate touch as you pass each other can mean a lot.

By the way: people who are asexual, including sex-repulsed aces, can still have this love language. There are so many amazing forms of non sexual touch to explore.

Physical Touch Love Language Ideas for Submissive Partners

A submissive who speaks the love language of touch is likely to place high value on the physical aspects of BDSM. Think the thud of a flogger across their back, the feeling of rope tightening against their skin, the raw intimacy of a spanking, the feeling of your hand in their hair, or the sensation of your teeth nibbling their neck.

If your submissive speaks this love language, it’s more important than ever to make plenty of time for close, physical, and intimate kinky play.

For a submissive who experiences love through physicality, the touch of their Dominant can be its own reward. Caress their cheek when you tell them you’re pleased with them. Give them a few swats on the ass before bed. Stroke their hair. If you want to reinforce certain behaviours or just make your submissive feel loved, give them plenty of physical affection. Touch them lovingly, easily, and often.

When you’re out in public or at a party, gestures that keep them physically close—holding their hand, putting an arm around them, or placing your hand on the small of their back—can make them feel treasured.

Think about physical body positions, too. Some subs who enjoy physical touch may also enjoy things like submissive postures, being human furniture, or sitting at your feet.

Many submissives want to feel taken care of by a Dominant. You can incorporate physical touch into the ways you care for your sub by, for example, washing or brushing their hair, helping them with personal care activities like shaving, or even feeding them from your hand.

Doms Like Cuddles, Too! Physical Touch Ideas for Dominants

People tend to forget that most Dominants like hugs and cuddles just as much as anyone else. For Dominants whose love language is physical touch, submissive partners have so many opportunities to incorporate this into submission or service.

Again, the physical side of kink is likely to be hugely important to your Dominant if this is their love language. So make time for kinky play, prioritise it in your schedule, and do your best to stick to any play dates you arrange. A Dominant who loves physical touch is unlikely to be comfortable functioning as a “service Top” (someone who takes on a Dominant role primarily to pleasure their partner) most or all of the time. Make sure their physical needs and desires are met in your scenes as well.

While sex and kinky play can play a key role in speaking this love language, non sexual touch and general physical affection are just as important.

Learning to give a really good back massage or foot rub can be a wonderful gift for your Dominant who loves physical touch. You could also include physical closeness by doing intimate and body-based tasks for them such as painting their nails, styling their hair, shaving their legs, or washing their back.

There are also many ways to demonstrate loving submission through physical affection. Try laying your head on their lap or shoulder, curling up close to them on the couch so they can pet you, or kissing whichever parts of their body they like to have kissed.

Things to Remember No Matter Your Role

Physical intimacy can look so many different ways, and it’s slightly different for every relationship. If you or your partner speaks the physical touch love language, prioritising sex and kinky play might well be important to you. It’s also important to make plenty of time and space for cuddles, kissing, holding hands, non sexual touch, and the kind of easy physical closeness that can come in a long-term relationship.

Physical touch is probably the hardest love language to meet if you’re in a long distance relationship. There are still things you can do if you get creative. Give your partner a soft toy to hug. Give them a shirt that smells like you to sleep with. Invest in some really good app-controlled sex toys so you can touch them sexually by proxy. But realistically, if one or both of you feels strongly connected to the love language of physical touch, you’re going to need to make an effort to see each other in person as often as you can.

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Masturbation in a Relationship: Good, Normal, and Healthy

Published on by Amy4 Comments

The subject of masturbation in a relationship is surprisingly divisive. A shocking number people still believe masturbation is cheating or that once you’re in a relationship or married, your partner has exclusive rights to you as a sexual being. Others feel guilt, shame, or worry that they’re broken or “addicted” if they still masturbate while they’re in a relationship.

Of all the myths about masturbation I wish would die, the idea that people in relationships don’t (or shouldn’t) masturbate is near the top of the list.

Masturbation is not only normal, but also healthy and good for you. This applies equally whether you’re partnered or single. Let’s look at some really good reasons to engage in some self-love regardless of your relationship status.

Your Only Lifelong Sexual Relationship Will Be With Yourself

Relationships come and go. Most of us are not constantly in a relationship from the moment we become aware of our sexual desires to the moment we die. Even if you’re in one monogamous relationship your entire adult life, there will be times when sex is off the cards whether due to illness, medication, ageing, mismatched desire, or geographical separation. Most of us will go through periods of being in relationships and periods of being single throughout our lives.

But whoever else is or isn’t in our lives (and beds,) our longest and most enduring sexual relationship will always be with ourselves.

Masturbation is one of the greatest ways to build a positive sexual relationship with yourself. It gives you the tools to satisfy yourself sexually without the need for anyone else. It contributes to positive sexual self-esteem, increased pleasure, and better mood.

Masturbation in Relationships Can Improve Your Partnered Sex

Few things are hotter than a sexual partner who knows exactly what they like and knows how to ask for it. And do you know what masturbation is amazing for? Teaching you what you like and allowing you to discover new things.

Exploring your own body gives you the tools to tell (or show) present and future partners how you like to be touched. And, since bodies change throughout our lifetimes for many reasons, this is an ongoing process of self exploration and learning.

Masturbation helps to keep your knowledge of your own body sharp. It also reduces fear of change in your body, because you already know how to roll with this change and adapt to meet your body where it’s at.

Masturbation Can Take the Pressure Off

Relying on one person to meet all of your sexual needs can be a lot of pressure for both of you. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, exploring with other people is understandably off the table. But exploring with yourself absolutely shouldn’t be.

If having sex with your partner is the only way you can get your sexual needs met, that creates an environment that is more likely to lead to coercion or pressure, even if unintentional. But if you have a rich sexual relationship with yourself, you can meet your own needs when your desire and your partner’s don’t line up.

Masturbation in a Relationship Doesn’t Mean There is Anything Wrong With Your Sex Life

“My partner shouldn’t need to masturbate, they have me!”

After more than 15 years of being sexually active, I’ve realised that the amount I masturbate has almost nothing to do with the amount (or, frankly, the quality) of partnered sex I’m having. I couldn’t find any robust data on this subject but, anecdotally at least, this appears to be a fairly typical experience.

Some people even report that they masturbate more when they’re having great sex with a partner. A satisfying sex life can give your overall level of desire a boost, creating a virtuous circle where pleasure begets desire begets pleasure.

Long story short, your partner masturbating does not mean your sex life together is somehow lacking or unsatisfactory.

Masturbation and Sex Fulfill Different Needs

Masturbation and partnered sex are different. Partnered sex can be as much about the connection, the dynamic, and the interplay between partners as about the physical sensations. Masturbation can be about anything from exploring new sensations to indulging in a fantasy world to just releasing some tension so you can go to sleep.

Partnered sex is about both (or all) the people involved. Masturbation can be just about you. And it’s okay to desire and enjoy both, in different ways and for different reasons.

Your Body Belongs to You

This is really the bottom line in the question of masturbation in a relationship. Your body is yours, and you are the only person who gets to decide what you do with it. Whatever your relationship status, you don’t need anyone’s permission to have a sexual relationship with yourself.

A relationship is a mutual and consensual exchange between two (or more) people. It does not imply ownership over the other person, their body, or their sexuality. If your partner thinks they have a right to control or limit your solo sex life, it can be a red flag for coercive control.

Resources and Further Reading

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The Kinky Love Languages: Quality Time

Published on by Amy

This is the third in a series of five posts covering the five love languages as applied to kink and BDSM. If you don’t know your love language, take the quiz linked above to find out! Today we’re talking the love language of “quality time”, with some kinky date ideas and other ways to make the most of this love language in your D/s relationship.

What is the Quality Time Love Language?

A person whose love language is quality time is all about spending meaningful, connective time with the people they love. Sounds easy enough, right? But in long term relationships, and particularly nesting relationships, quality time often gives way to “we’re just generally around each other a lot.”

Scrolling on your phones at opposite ends of the couch without talking is not quality time.

Quality time can be particularly hard in a long distance relationship. People who work long hours, have children, are disabled or chronically ill, or have a limited income may also experience unique challenges with this love language.

Kinky Date Ideas and More for Submissives Who Love Quality Time

For many submissives, the greatest gift is their Dominant’s undivided time and attention. Focused quality time shows your submissive that they are wanted, valued, and loved.

If your submissive loves quality time, a kinky date night is always a great idea. This might mean staying in and getting your kink on in your bedroom, or it might mean taking them out to a fetish club, kinky event, or play party.

You can also kink up a regular date night. For example, you could order your submissive to wear a butt plug throughout the movie or edge three times before you take them out to dinner.

Not all your quality time together has to be active play time, of course. Even in a D/s relationship, snuggling on the couch is lovely. Non-scene connective time can show your submissive that you love them as a person and partner, not just as a kinky plaything.

Ritual, Routine and Quality Time

Rituals and routines can be comforting and connective for many people who value quality time highly, and particularly for many submissives. They provide consistency and a reliable point of connection at regular intervals where your attention is on each other.

Rituals can be simple or elaborate. They can be seemingly-mundane (“make my coffee for me the way I like it, then sit with me quietly while I drink it”) or have a play element to them. I know of one D/s couple who started each day with the Dominant choosing the submissive’s underwear for the day. Spankings before bed are another common and fun choice.

Connective routines can be as simple as watching an episode of your favourite TV show together each evening ot setting aside Friday nights to be your glass-of-wine-and-debrief-of-the-week time.

Kinky Date Ideas and More for Dominants Who Love Quality Time

If you’re a submissive, it can be tempting to think that all you need to do to make a Dominant happy is show up and get your ass beaten. This might work at first but it’s unlikely to lead to a happy long-term relationship, particularly if your Dominant’s love language is quality time.

Many people assume that date planning is the Dominant’s responsibility in a kinky relationship, but this doesn’t have to be the case. Many D-types love to be wooed and are seriously impressed when a submissive comes up with new kinky date ideas, surprises them with a spontaneous adventure, or goes above and beyond to make them feel loved.

If your Dominant likes surprises, tell them you’re taking them on an adventure. If necessary, give them some bare-bones information on what to wear or pack, then do all the planning to make something cool happen for the two of you. You can easily view making plans that will make their eyes light up as an act of service. If they’re not a fan of surprises, ask their permission to treat them to a date night/day/weekend doing any activity they want to do.

Another possibility for your Dominant is to give them the gift of you, completely available with no interruptions, for a period of time to have their kinky fun with. “I sent the kids to a babysitter, my phone is off, dinner is ready.. and I’m all yours for the whole night!” What a yummy and wonderful gift.

Quality Time in a Kinky Relationship: Tips for Everyone

Regardless of dynamic and role, quality time is key to all relationships. This is especially true if it’s one of your main love languages. Whether you’re a Dominant or a submissive, the best gift you can give to a partner with this love language is an evening, day, or weekend of your undivided attention. Time where you can relax, do fun things together, and enjoy being in each other’s company are crucial. If you don’t live together, this can include remote time.

Planning quality time is also a part of this love language. This might be coming up with kinky date ideas together, sexting about all the things you’re going to do next time you have chance to play, or looking at travel guides together to decide where you want to go on holiday. Having plans to look forward to can be an amazing boost for your relationship and can make people with the quality time love language feel loved and seen.

What NOT To Do

If your partner’s love language is quality time, being consistent and reliable is essential. Emergencies happen occasionally, of course, but being flaky or cancelling plans is just about the worst thing you can do to someone with this love language.

Make plans and stick to them.

If you’re enjoying this series, you can show your appreciation by buying me a coffee.

Couple in a hot tub, header for a sponsored post on creating a killer swinger dating profile

How to Write a Killer Swinger Dating Profile

Published on by Amy

Swinging refers, broadly speaking, to an arrangement where couples have casual sex with other couples or individuals outside of their relationship. It is a form of consensual non-monogamy, but differs from polyamory in that it doesn’t generally involve romantic connections. Whether you’re just starting out in swinging or have been checking out local clubs and swinger dating sites, creating a great profile is the first step to meeting fellow swingers online. I’ve partnered with SwingTowns to bring you these swinger dating tips for a great profile.

For the purposes of this post I will assume you’re looking for play partners as a couple. However, most of the advice works just as well for solo swingers.

The Most Important Swinger Dating Profile Tip: Be Honest

I can’t overstate the importance of honesty. You might think it’s no big deal to say you’re 37 when you’re actually 50, but lying simply shows prospective partners that you can’t be trusted. If someone lies about one thing, I wonder what else they’re lying about, from STI testing to whether or not their spouse at home is actually okay with them dating.

So don’t say you have loads of experience when you’re actually brand new to the lifestyle. Don’t lie about your age. And please (yes, I’ve really seen this) don’t pretend to be a couple if you’re actually a single person.

Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be self-deprecating. If you’re struggling to describe yourself in positive terms, ask your partner if you can writing descriptions of each other to go on your shared swinger profile.

Brand new and not sure where to start? Try something like this: “We’re just dipping a toe in right now, so please be gentle with us! We’re in our 40s and would love to meet a sexy couple of a similar age for fun, laughs, and maybe a trip to a swingers’ club.”

Write Coherently and in Full Sentences

No-one is expecting your swinger dating profile to be a literary masterpiece, but making an effort is important. Write in complete sentences, avodi text-speak, and check your profile for typos and spelling errors before you hit “submit.” Break up your sentences with punctuation and use short paragraphs to make your profile easier to read.

Pro tip: if you’re not skilled with words, ask a trusted friend to give your swinging profile a once-over.

Don’t Use Your Genitals as Your Swinger Dating Profile Picture

Swinger sites are about the only place in the online dating world where I’m going to tell you that posting pictures of your genitals is probably okay, if that’s your jam. But don’t use them as your main profile picture, please! Put them in your gallery and limit the number.

Your main profile picture could be your faces if that feels safe and comfortable for you, a clothed body shot, a tasteful nude, or a picture of something that reflects your personalities.

Say What You Can Offer, Not Just What You Want

Nothing is a greater turn-off than a dating profile from people who are clearly only thinking about what they want others to do for them. State what you’re looking for, but remember to show what you can offer too.

Sex, whether casual or committed, should be a mutual exchange for the enjoyment and benefit of everyone involved. This means viewing your partners and potential partners as full human beings, not fantasy-fulfillment machines. Yes, even in the context of swinging.

Posting a super lengthy, tightly scripted scene idea to your swinger profile is likely to scare a lot of people off. So is posting an absurdly specific description of your imaginary “third.” Instead, talk more broadly about the kinds of people you’re looking to meet and give plenty of information on what you can offer.

Try this: “We’re ideally looking to meet other couples at a similar life stage to us. With us you’ll find an educated, friendly, and kinky pair who are just as happy enjoying good wine and excellent conversation as getting down to some fun in the bedroom.”

Keep the Judgemental Comments to Yourself

You’re allowed to like what you like and be attraxted to what you’re attracted to. But shaming others for not conforming to your tastes makes you an asshole.

I’m fully aware that some people won’t be into me because I’m curvy and have body hair. I am at peace with that. Even so, it’s upsetting every time I see my body type described as “disgusting”, and this happens more than you might think. Similarly, you might not be into any kind of kink or BDSM. That’s absolutely fine, but describing other people’s consensual kinks as “freaky shit” is rude.

If someone isn’t for you, moving on to the next profile or replying to their approach with a polite “thanks, but not for us” is all that is required.

Being Responsible is Sexy: Talking About Sexual Health on Your Swinger Profile

When I’m browsing dating profiles, those who mention their sexual health testing regime or use of barriers go straight to the top of the list. Being responsible with your and your partners’ health is not only hot but incredibly necessary in any kind of non-monogamy.

Please don’t use the term “clean” to describe yourselves as being free from STIs. This language is stigmatising. STIs are not dirty, they’re just infections humans sometimes contract in the course of doing normal human things like having sex.

Try this: “we test every three months and last tested negative for everything on [date.] We use barriers for… [insert your protocols here.]”

If you do have a chronic or incurable STI, such as herpes or HIV, it’s important to be upfront about this, too. Don’t be apologetic; there’s nothing wrong with living with one of these conditions! Briefly mention it as a fact of your life and state how you manage it. Some people will be put off, but the rght people for you won’t be. I’d personally much rather have sex with someone who is HSV or even HIV-positive, knows their status, and can take the appropriate precautions than someone who hasn’t tested in a decade and insists they somehow “just know” they’re negative.

Offer Something of Yourselves Beyond the Sexual

However proud you are of your 8″ penis, world-class blow jobs, or penchant for eating pussy for hours, sex isn’t everything even in the world of swinging. Most swingers want to meet human beings they can connect with (even if the connection is brief), not walking sex machines.

So use some of your profile to talk about the things you’re into or the things that matter to you outside of sex. You don’t have to get extremely deep and personal.

Try phrases like these: “we love fine dining and would love someone to show us the best restaurants in town,” “our hobbies include board games, 80s B-movies, and salsa dancing,” or “he’s a gym-bunny and loves to run, she’s more likely to be found with her nose in a book!”

The crux of this tip is to let your sparkling personalities shine through on your swinging profile and show that you can bring more to the table than just sexual prowess.

These swinging dating profile tips were sponsored by Swingtowns, the world’s largest non-monogamous dating site. Join up now and create your swinger profile – it’s free! All opinions and writing are, as always, my own.

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A wrapped present. For a post on the love language of giving and receiving gifts

The Kinky Love Languages: Giving & Receiving Gifts

Published on by Amy1 Comment

I started this series months ago and promptly forgot to finish it. But we’re back and today we’re talking the love language of gifts, and specifically gifts for your Dominant or submissive. Let’s go!

If you don’t know your love language yet, take the quiz to find out. The love languages model is deeply flawed and incomplete, but a useful starting point for thinking about how you like to give and receive love.

A content warning that this post discusses spending money, so if that’s difficult or stressful for you please feel free to skip this one. I have tried to be mindful of different budgets and provide a range of options.

What the “Giving and Receiving Gifts” Love Language Means (and Doesn’t)

Giving and receiving gifts is often looked down upon compared to the other four options in the basic “five love languages” framework (words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch.) Those who feel an affinity with this method of showing and receiving love tend to be viewed as materialistic, shallow, or having a tendency to throw money at a relationship in lieu of actually making an effort.

However, I believe that is unfair.

The people I’ve spoken to for whom giving and receiving gifts is a primary love language take care to point out that it’s not about the money spent or the financial value of the gift. Instead, it’s about the love and affection that goes into picking out the perfect thing for your partner.

The “gifts” in this context do not have to be big, expensive, extravagant presents. In most cases, they probably shouldn’t be. This love language is about paying attention to the things your partner loves or what they need, and giving them things that reflect that care and attention. Gifts for your Dominant or submissive can be as simple as getting their favourite brand of tea before they sleep over, bringing them a bar of chocolate after a bad day, or picking up a cute trinket you saw for £1 because it made you think of them.

So how can this one relate to kinky dynamics?

Gifts for a Submissive: How to Love a Sub with This Love Language

In my experience, very often what submissives want more than anything is to feel truly seen and known by their Dominants. Another thing that is very often important to submissives is to feel taken care of. The love language of gifts gives you, as a Dominant, tonnes of opportunity to provide for these basic and important needs.

So pay attention to what your submissive likes! Listen for cues, watch the things they lust after or buy for themselves. Take note of things like any favourite colours, foods, hobbies or artists. That way, when you’re looking for gifts for a submissive partner, for a special occasion or “just because,” you can get them something really perfect.

Is your submissive always working hard and barely taking time for themselves? You could give them a gift which says “I’m giving you permission to relax.” A nice bath bomb or the latest issue of their favourite magazine? Perhaps the heating in their apartment is wonky, so you buy them a big snuggly blanket to keep them warm on cold days. Have they been wanting to write more? A beautiful notebook might be the perfect present.

Sexy gifts such as sex toys can also be a great option, if your relationship includes sex! Why not surprise your submissive with a new vibrator, masturbator, or a dildo in their favourite colour? They’ll think of you fondly every time they use it.

Making It Meaningful to the Two of You

Finally, consider the meaning of gifts that signify your relationship and importance to each other. You’ll need to negotiate its meaning fully, and I don’t advocate springing this on someone without discussion, but for many submissives, their collar will be the most precious gift they ever receive. If that’s not right for your relationship (or they already have one,) then other gift options for a submissive might be a special piece of jewellery, a harness, some beautiful underwear, or even a kink toy that is only for the two of you to use together.

Gifts for Your Dominant: How to Love a Dom with This Love Language

A good way to think of this is to frame the idea of giving the perfect gifts to your Dominant as an act of service. Many Doms love the idea of a submissive who pays attention and can anticipate their needs. Notice what their favourite snacks are and make sure you have them in. Bring them a coffee when you meet them at the end of a long day. Stressed out Dom? Buy massage oil or a massage candle and read up on how to give a relaxing back rub.

As with any other partner, keep notes on their favourite things and use this knowledge to guide your gift-giving.

A way to take this a step further, if you’re so inclined, is to make it your mission to seek out something special for them that they haven’t been able to get. Is there a book they really want that’s out of print, a game that’s no longer made, or a limited edition version of something that would make their eyes light up? If you have the chance, making an extra effort in this way can be a profound show of both love and service.

Kinking It Up a Step Further

Kinky toys and tools are absolutely ideal gifts to give Dominants, too. Pay attention to what things they pick up and admire when you go to the fetish market together, or what things they’ve mentioned they really want to try. File this information away for later then, when you have occasion to give them a gift, you can surprise them with something that they’ll get endless joy out of using (on you, naturally.) Have you ever given a sadist a new whip as a present? I recommend it.

And kinky presents don’t have to stop at physical things. What about a ticket to a kink event you’ve been wanting to go to together, or a course of lessons in rope, whip technique, or some other skill they’ve been wanting to learn?

If you wish, you could even turn giving gifts to your Dominant into a kinky thing in and of itself. I am far from an expert in “financial Domination,” and it’s something I encourage you to be extremely careful with and set firm limits around… but if the idea of showering your Dom with gifts and treats as part of your submission, or pretending you are being “made” to do it, gets you off then this can be a fun thing to play with. The inimitable Girl on the Net wrote about one perspective on financial domination here and here.

Some More Tips That Work for Anyone

At the end of the day, most people love to receive the kinds of gifts that show thought, consideration, and a true knowledge of who they are. Regardless of whether you’re kinky or vanilla, a Dom or a sub or something else, you can show love to your partner by giving them the occasional well-considered, well-timed gift.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, consider gifts that help your partner feel connected to you. This could be as simple as sneaking a shirt that smells like you into their luggage before they leave, or as elaborate as buying them a fancy app-controlled sex toy for use during your sexting sessions.

Homemade gifts are almost always wonderful. So if you have a talent, use it! I own two paintings and several pieces of jewellery made for me by my partner The Artist, and I absolutely cherish these things. I’ve made everything from chocolate chip cookies to knitted items for loved ones, and they’ve always gone down well.

Finally, gifts don’t have to be physical items! Something I treasure immensely is when a partner gives me a gift of an experience for us to do together. This could be buying dinner at their favourite restaurant, going to see a show together, or almost anything that they’ll love doing and love doing with you. Something that’s both a physical item and an experience, such as a date night kit or couples’ chocolate set, can work particularly well for anyone who sits at the intersection of “receiving gifts” and “quality time” in their love languages.

Looking for some inspiration? Check out my list of sexy gift ideas to get inspired.

Affiliate links appear in this post.

Header image for Zumio S review

[Toy Review] Zumio S

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Those of you who have been reading my work for some time may recall my Zumio X review from last year. I had extremely high hopes for it as it was touted as The Ultimate Clitoral Toy. Unfortunately, I loved it much less than I hoped and expected to, and ultimately it’s been gathering dust in my toy chest for the last year. However, when Zumio approached me to review their new S model, I was intrigued enough to give it a go.

Zumio S: Details

The Zumio S follows broadly the same model as the Zumio X. It features the trademarked SpiroTIP, a very small head which works not by vibrating, but by spinning very fast in tiny circles. Designed for those who are more sensitive or didn’t enjoy the intensity of the original model, the Zumio S has a silicone-coated tip to dial down the intensity of the original’s hard plastic.

The Zumio S is a rechargeable toy and comes with a little charging cup and USB cable. The full charging time is a frankly ludicrous sixteen hours. The battery life from a full charge is around 4 hours, depending on intensity of use.

This toy is waterproof up to a depth of 0.5 metres. It also features a travel lock and comes with a cap to protect the fragile tip when not in use. It’s a lighter shade of purple than the Zumio X. The overall aesthetic can best be described as a slightly futuristic electric toothbrush.

Pro tip: hold it like a pencil, not like a vibrator.

Zumio S Review: Pros

Let’s begin by saying that my Zumio S hasn’t left my nightstand since I first tested it. After my lacklustre experience with the Zumio X, I really, really like this iteration. The slightly wider and softer silicone-tip solves the “so intense it’s painful” problem, leaving just the glorious kind of pleasurable intensity. This toy can get me off in a couple of minutes if I’m in a hurry.

The Zumio S features 8 levels of intensity and no patterns. It has a simple 3-button interface, with a small on/off button and the up/down power buttons (yes, dual-directional controls!) set in a figure-8 shape just above. The buttons have raised edges, making them easy to feel for without needing to pause to look for them.

For the benefit of fans of the Zumio X, the S is definitely a gentler toy. But “gentler” is also relative and this toy still packs a serious punch. It just doesn’t make me feel like I’m being prodded in the clit with a hard plastic finger, which I can only describe as a positive.

Zumio S Review: Cons

Apart from that ridiculous sixteen hour charging time, I have few negative things to say about the Zumio S.

Though the controls are pretty intuitive, I did find the buttons a little fiddly and not always as responsive as they could be. I sometimes had to press them more than once before the setting changed, which was annoying.

Verdict

If you are a fan of intense and focused clitoral stimulation, get yourself one of these! If, like me, you tried the original Zumio X and found the tip too small or too hard, this new iteration might just surprise you. A couple of small annoyances notwithstanding, Zumio have absolutely knocked it out of the park with this one.

The Zumio S retails for $109.99 and is available from Babeland, Good Vibes, and Sex Toys UK.

Thank you to Zumio for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. As ever, all views are my own. Images are property of Zumio. Affiliate links are contained within this post.

How to use Fetlife header image for a listicle on getting the most out of the kinky networking and kinky dating site

Ten Tips for Getting the Most Out of Fetlife

Published on by Amy7 Comments

Love it or hate it (and honestly, these days I mostly hate it), Fetlife is still the absolute number one place to be on the internet if you’re a kinky person who wants to interact with the BDSM and fetish community outside of your bedroom. The “Facebook of kink” can be a wonderful place to network and grow community, or it can be a complete cesspit. It’s not a dating site, but Fetlife can also be a great place to connect with potential kinky partners. Here are ten of my top tips on how to use Fetlife to its best.

Fill Out Your Profile

It’s hard to use Fetlife to build a community or make connections if your profile isn’t filled out. You don’t need to write an essay, but “I dunno, ask me” or “I hate talking about myself” do not constitute a good profile.

Tell us whatever it is about yourself you’re happy to share. If you’re stuck for ideas, try this:

  • How long have you been in the community or identified as kinky?
  • What does kink mean to you?
  • What do your relationship(s) look like, if applicable?
  • What are you looking for?
  • What are your hobbies and interests outside of kink?

Choose Your Role Carefully

There are tonnes of different role options you can choose from, and you can now list up to five on your profile at a time.

There’s the ubiquitous Dominant, Submissive, and Switch, of course. But you can also be a Kinkster, a Hedonist, a Pet, a Brat or Brat Tamer, a Daddy or Mommy, and many more. The ever-increasing list of roles gets ever more niche as well as including humorous options like “Fairy Kink Mother.”

Choose the role(s) that most apply to you, and consider saying something in your profile about what your identifiers mean to you. Remember you can always change your roles, too, so don’t be afraid to swap things around as you gain experience and change as a kinkster. This is normal.

Consider Your Location

There’s a running joke amongst long-time Fetlife users that there are more kinksters in Antarctica than people. This is because so many Fetlife users put “Antarctica” as their location to avoid revealing where they really live.

If you need to conceal your location, I’m absolutely not judging. Please do what you need to do in order to be safe!

But if you safely can, consider using at least your general area like your country, state, or nearest major city. This makes it easier to connect with people who live near to you and also means you’ll get event recommendations based on your location. (Not many dungeon parties in Antarctica, funnily enough!)

Say What You’re Looking For on Fetlife

In your profile header, you can tick all the “What I’m Looking For” options that apply to you. Options include everything from a lifetime relationship to events, friendship, and more. You can select as many as you want.

Carefully consider what you’re looking for, be honest, and elaborate in your profile if you can. If you say you’re looking for a romantic or kinky partner, it’s particularly important to indicate what sorts of people and dynamics you’re open to.

Don’t Try to Use Fetlife Solely as a Dating App

Fetlife is not primarily a dating site. It’s not a bad place to start if your eventual goal is to find a Dom, sub, or kinky partner, but using it as your personal hunting ground or as an alternative to Tinder or Feeld will piss people off really fast.

If you’re new to BDSM or just to the public kink scene, you need kinky friends before you need dates or play partners. Focus on getting out there, learning, building connections, and making friends. The rest will fall into place.

Read Profiles Before Messaging

I really cannot emphasise this enough: please read someone’s entire profile, and pay attention to it, before messaging them. Nothing is more annoying than people who clearly haven’t read my profile and slide into my inbox pushing their fantasies anyway.

Some people only want to be contacted by folks of certain genders, ages, geographical locations, or kink identities. Some are open to dating or meeting play partners on Fetlife, others are not. Respect these boundaries; you are not the exception.

Message Respectfully

So you’ve read someone’s profile. They’ve sparked your interest enough that you want to make a connection. You’ve established that messaging them won’t contravene any stated boundaries. Now what?

The first message can make or break things. Don’t open with sexual content. Yes, it’s a fetish site, but there are human beings on the other end of your message and they have better things to do than provide you with free masturbation fodder.

Don’t make demands, don’t make assumptions about roles or identities, and don’t assert a kinky dynamic where none exists. Subs, this applies to you, too! Calling someone “Mistress” or “Daddy” without consent is just as wrong as calling someone “slave” or “slut” without consent.

Do at least a cursory check of your spelling and grammar. Keep it brief. Don’t ask to meet straight away. Just be a friendly, normal, respectful person.

Join Fetlife Groups (But Read the Rules)

There are literally thousands of groups on Fetlife. Groups operate as discussion forums based around specific topics.

Many are for those interested in specific kinks or fetishes. Some are for people looking for dating opportunities on Fetlife. Others are based around a specific geographical location or a specific event. Some are for folks with a certain identity, such as queer and trans kinksters. There are even non-kinky groups where you can just discuss a topic of mutual interest. Pick a few interests, join some groups, and start engaging positively in discussions.

All groups have rules governing the kind of content that is allowed in them. Many, for example, will specify “no personal ads” (cruising for dates/play) or “no advertising” (commercial/business content or advertising your event,.) Some are also reserved for a certain demographic, such as under 35s, women, or LGBTQ folks.

Disregarding group rules is likely to get your posts deleted and may even get you kicked or banned from groups. It also wastes moderators’ time, annoys group members, and makes you look like an asshole. Read the rules and follow them. If someone corrects you for an accidental rule breach you made in good faith, apologise and don’t repeat the mistake.

The Kinky and Popular page highlights posts, photos, videos and writings which have garnered a lot of attention in a short space of time. No-one is 100% clear how the algorithm works (Fetlife isn’t exactly famed for its transparency) but that’s the gist of it.

The problem with K&P is that it tends to adhere to a very narrow version of what kink is and an even narrower version of beauty standards, particularly for women. I avoid K&P entirely now because it makes me feel shitty about myself and my body.

Kink isn’t a popularity contest and in my view, this page is the antithesis of what the community is really about.

Reach Out to Community Leaders and Prominent Figures

If you’re struggling to make connections or feeling nervous about going along to events, reach out to someone who seems like they’re a leader, event organiser, or prominent and respected person in your local community. Simply explain that you’re new, let them know what you’ve done so far to get involved with the scene (if anything), and ask if they’d be willing to be a friendly face at an upcoming munch or event.

Community leaders become community leaders because they love helping people and helping the scene to thrive. Reach out. Be polite and friendly, be respectful of their time, and be specific if you can in what you’re asking and you’re far more likely to get a good response.

Header image for Womanizer Starlet review

[Toy Review] Womanizer Starlet 2

Published on by Amy2 Comments

I recently addressed the question of whether or not I think all suction-based clitoral stimulators are basically variations on the same theme. The conclusion I came to was “kind of but also no.” The sensation provided by these toys is somewhat similar across models and even across brands, but unique design features can really make or break specific products. This week, I received the Womanizer Starlet 2 to review.

Starlet 2: Details

After the high-end presentation, premium features, and eyewatering price tags that defined products like the Womanizer Premium and Duo, the Starlet 2 is a simpler product. More aimed at the everyday consumer, it retails for £69.99/$79.

The Womanizer Starlet is a petite toy, measuring 5″ in total length and with very little weight to it. I have small hands and still would have preferred the body of the toy to be slightly longer for ease of use, so bear that in mind if you’re a person with big hands. However, for those who find holding larger or heavier toys difficult, the compact nature of this model could be an advantage for you.

The Womanizer Starlet 2 sex toy in coral resting on a white sheet

The Womanizer Starlet 2 is made of hard ABS plastic with a silicone nozzle. It is USB rechargeable and fully waterproof. It comes in two colours: a pinkish-orange called “coral”, and a deep blue.

What I Liked About This Toy

I’m casting around for good things to say about this product, because my overall impression of it (spoiler alert) was “meh.”

There are only four settings, but for most people that’s probably enough. For contrast, the Womanizer Classic and its variations have 8-10 speeds, and the Premium has a massive 12. They allow for a steady increase in intensity. I also very much appreciate that there are dual directional, up-and-down speed controls. The buttons are sensibly located and easy to press, though I wish the minus button was a little bigger.

The silicone nozzle is removable, which makes the toy easy to clean.

Womanizer Starlet 2 Review: What I Disliked

Unfortunately, things started to go downhill for me pretty fast when I began testing the Womanizer Starlet 2.

Due to the shape and how little the nozzle prodrudes from the body of the toy, I found it almost impossible to get the right angle or a good seal against my clit. I tried holding the toy in multiple different ways, but all of them either left a significant gap between part of the nozzle and my body or required contorting my hand or arm in uncomfortable ways. A longer handle and a more pronounced nozzle would go a long way to mitigating this issue.

The Womanizer Starlet 2 sex toy in coral on a white sheet

I really noticed the Womanizer Starlet 2’s relative lack of power at the higher settings, compared to other suction toys. I tried this toy three times, and was not able to orgasm with it on any occasion despite plenty of perseverance.

Finally, the battery life is inexcusably bad. You only get 30 minutes runtime. While a full charge also only takes 30 minutes, half an hour isn’t even long enough for many people with vulvas to reach orgasm.

Verdict: Is the Starlet 2 a Rising Star?

This one’s a miss. I was hopeful about the Starlet 2, but I was left thoroughly unimpressed and doubt I’ll be using it again.

The Womanizer Starlet 2 is available from Womanizer North America, and Womanizer Europe.

Thanks to Womanizer for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. All views are my own and images are by me. Please use the affiliate links within this post if you want to make a purchase; commission helps to keep this site going!

Header image for a review of the Womanizer/Lovehoney Pro40

[Toy Review] Womanizer x Lovehoney Pro40 Clitoral Stimulator

Published on by Amy

After the Premium turned me into a Womanizer convert, I was excited to review another clitoral suction stimulator from the manufacturer that started the craze: the Womanizer Pro40, produced in partnership with Lovehoney.

Womanizer Pro40: Details

The Womanizer x Lovehoney Pro40 utilizes Womanizer’s signature Pleasure Air technology, which stimulates the clitoris via rapid pulses of air through a nozzle. These types of clitoral stimulators can be a godsend for those who get easily overstimulated for find that buzzy vibrators tend to numb them out. (They do not, however, feel like receiving cunnilingus. Whatever the hype says, I will die on this hill: it’s marketing fluff and it’s not true.)

The Womanizer Pro40 black and rose gold clitoral suction toy in my hand on the background of a white bedsheet.

The Pro40 is fully waterproof and rechargeable via the included USB cable. It measures 6.5″ in length and is comfortable and light to hold.

The Pro40 has an ABS plastic body and removable silicone nozzles. The colour scheme is a pretty mix of black and the ever-trendy rose-gold. The presentation and packaging lacks some of the high-end luxury vibe you get with some Womanizer products, but I just can’t bring myself to care that much about packaging. It’s all getting slung in the recycling anyway.

Womanizer Pro40 Review: Pros

I’ll be honest: a lot of the time I’ll try a suction toy, review it, and then either pass it off to a friend or shove it in a drawer and forget I have it. I fucking love this one, though. I’ve been reaching for it again and again lately, long after all the necessary testing sessions for this review were complete. It’s just really, really good.

I’ve been wondering, as I try more suction toys, whether they’re all broadly the same. The answer is “superfically kinda but also not really.” The basic sensation you get from each one is similar, but I’ve tried enough at this point to start noticing more of the nuances and benefits of each one. There are two things that really set the Womanizer Pro40 apart from similar toys I’ve reviewed for me:

First, the suction is what I can only describe as “smooth.” It feels like it’s caressing my clit rather than the aggressive almost tapping-like sensation you can get from lower quality suction toys. Secondly, the shape of the nozzle is excellent. It sticks out a good distance from the body of the toy, making it much easier to angle it effectively against my clit.

I like that the nozzles are removeable as this makes cleaning your toy between uses a breeze. The buttons are sensibly located and easy to press. The Womanizer Pro40 even has something I seem to bang on about in every review: dual-directional speed controls.

Finally, the battery life is great. I’ve had over 3 hours use out of a single charge.

The Womanizer Pro40 black and rose gold clitoral suction toy lying on a white bedsheet.

Cons

The Womanizer Pro40 only has six levels of intensity, which wasn’t a big deal for me but I’m including it in the review because it might be a downside for some folks.

The Womanizer Pro40 black and rose gold clitoral suction toy lying on a white bedsheet.

It’s also pretty loud, especially when you turn it up to full power. So you’ll want to bear that in mind if discretion is important to you.

Womanizer Pro40 Review: Verdict

I adore this toy! I was so surprised by how good it it and how well it stacks up against more expensive models. Fully endorsed.

At £99.99 ($119/99 US), the Womanizer Pro40 is on the pricier end but still more wallet-friendly than the pricier Classic, Duo, and Premium models.

Buy the Womanizer Pro40 from Lovehoney US or Lovehoney UK.

Thank you to Lovehoney for sending me the Womanizer Pro40 in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are, as ever, my own. Affiliate links are used within this post and send a small commission my way if you make a purchase.

A man with his head in his hands. For a guest post by Ruby Bell on anxiety and panic attacks during sex

[Guest Post] Anxiety and Sex: How Panic Attacks During Sex Led to Me Getting the Help I Needed by Ruby Bell

Published on by Amy

I knew I wanted Ruby Bell (she/her) to guest blog for me the moment I read one of her several brilliant guest posts for Girl on the Net. Thankfully, she agreed and pitched me this fabulous piece all about anxiety and panic attacks during sex.

Amy x

Anxiety and Sex: How Panic Attacks During Sex Led to Me Getting the Help I Needed by Ruby Bell

My partner has me against the wall. He has me blindfolded and he’s using a very powerful vibrator on my clitoris. These are some of my absolute favourite things… so why am I moments away from having a full-on panic attack? 

Living with anxiety isn’t easy, but it is something we all know a lot more about these days. It’s brilliant that people are talking more about mental health. As a result, many of us are feeling a little less intimidated about sharing our true thoughts and feelings with those we love. Despite all of this progress, it doesn’t make having panic attacks any easier. Having panic attacks during sex is a part of anxiety not many people talk about. It’s certainly not something I ever expected to have to deal with. 

So, let’s talk about some of the science behind the madness of our minds. The release of oxytocin during sex magnifies emotions as well as promoting trust and empathy with your partner. This suggests that it can encourage a release of feelings that may have nothing to do with what is actually going on in that moment. Maybe you’ve had an argument with your mum recently. Maybe you’ve had a fucking awful week at work or maybe your mental health has just generally been suffering lately. Now you’re in this safe place with the person you trust the most, and all of these things are coming out. It’s quite common for some people to cry during sex, and this can easily go from a few tears to a panic attack if you suffer with anxiety or depression as well. 

The first time I had a panic attack during sex was only the second or third panic attack I’d ever had.

This meant I hadn’t yet learnt how to spot the signs of an attack rising or how to calm myself down and prevent it from getting any worse. I barely even knew what a panic attack was! This ended up with me having a pretty out of control, I-can’t-breathe, sobbing-my-heart-out kind of panic attack in front of my (still pretty new at the time) partner… who is standing there enjoying edging me, watching me writhe and squirm with a thick hard cock as he does. 

Fortunately, he dealt with the situation even better than I ever could have asked for. He turned the vibrator off, he removed my blindfold, and when I replaced it with my hands to try and hide my embarrassment he pulled me close to him and held me against his chest. He asked if he had done anything wrong. I sobbed that he hadn’t. I was enjoying it and I didn’t know why this was happening which actually panicked me even more. He told me it was fine. He told me to breathe and he walked me around the house reminding me to keep breathing.

At the time, I thought it was strange and a little comical that two semi-turned-on people were walking around the house together, completely naked for no apparent reason as my face dripped with tears and mascara and my chest heaved with heavy, struggling breaths. I know now that the walking helped to ground me. It helped distract from the panic as well as allowing me to feel close to and loved by my partner. 

I’m lucky. Now that I have worked on my mental health and my panic attacks in particular, if one does start to rise in me I know how to calm myself down. I can reign it in before the main symptoms begin around 90% of the time. But having panic attacks during sex did two wonderful things for me – although I didn’t know there was anything wonderful about it at the time of course.

First of all, it changed the dynamic of my relationship completely.

Up until the point of that first attack, my partner and I were still holding back things during sex. I was being careful not to come across as overly emotional or “crazy.” Looking back, it was probably the reason that first attack happened. I hadn’t been honest with my partner about the feelings I was having in our relationship. And I was hiding who I really was, which is never a good thing.

This panic attack during sex led to me and my partner connecting emotionally on a whole new level. I learned that my partner was not just the tough guy exterior that came across. Showing my own vulnerability and opening up to him allowed him to do the same with me. This led to us having a much stronger relationship in the long run. I now know I can talk to my partner if I’m feeling anxious, depressed, panicked or anything else. I can tell him if I don’t even know what’s causing those feelings and we can deal with it together.

The second thing that first attack during sex did for me was make it clear I did have a problem that needed to be addressed. Up until that point I had struggled with anxiety for years without ever really facing it. I had several extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms which were in fact making things worse. Having my partner walk me around and remind me to breathe led me to learning how to deal with these feelings effectively. From that experience, I learned coping techniques that I still use today. Having that outburst in front of another person meant I had to face what was going on. It meant someone else could see that actually I wasn’t okay, I wasn’t coping. This led to me getting the help and support I so badly needed. It also helped me to work on communication about my mental health overall. 

I hope that anyone else dealing with anxiety or panic attacks during sex – or at any other time – takes it as a sign that they need to deal with the emotions causing these attacks. Listen to the fact that your body has felt comfortable enough to open up fully in front of the person you are making love with. I think we all need to listen more to what our bodies and emotions are telling us. And perhaps if we take the time to stop and listen to ourselves, then there is a good chance things won’t ever need to get as far as a panic attack.

About the Writer

Ruby Bell writes erotica and is passionate about sharing her filthy sexual experiences and fantasies. Her sex-positive writing also includes mental health content, self-care, and educational pieces. She wants to spread both arousal and information! She loves BDSM, chubby women and growing her own herbs and spices.