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The Kinky Love Languages: Words of Affirmation

This is the first in a mini-series of posts where I explore the five love languages as they can relate to kink and BDSM, and today we’re talking sweet yet kinky things to say to a Dominant or submissive whose love language is words of affirmation.

If you don’t know your main love language, take the quiz to find out. The model is imperfect, in that it assumes monogamy and offers quite a limited framework for relationships, but it’s a useful starting point for exploring how you like to give and receive love. Most of us will connect with most or all of the languages to some extent, but have one or two that stand out.

What is the Words of Affirmation Love Language?

People whose primary love language is words of affirmation like to hear that you love and value them. They like to be told explicitly, out loud, and in detail not only that you love them, but why. Of course, you will also need to back up your words with actions.

Let’s look at some of the things you can say to a kinky partner who has this love language.

Kinky Things to Say to a Submissive Who Loves Words of Affirmation

Do the words “good girl,” “good boy,” or equivalent make your submissive partner melt? Will they do anything for your praise? If so, their love language might be words of affirmation. Be generous with your words, be free with your praise, and never assume they know how I feel so I don’t need to say it. They might know how you feel, but they still want to hear it.

Tell them “I’m so proud of you” when they accomplish something. Say “you look so hot kneeling for me like that” during a scene. Compliments (on their achievements, talents, character, accomplishments, looks) should be given freely and often.

A submissive who needs words of affirmation is likely to need verbal reassurance sometimes, too. They might need to hear that you love them, that you value them, and that they’re not too much or too needy. If you’re in a non-monogamous dynamic, they’re likely to need verbal reassurance if they experience jealousy.

Writing tasks were made for submissives with this love language. Have your partner write down fantasies, reflect on your dynamic in a daily journal, or write down mantras to increase their confidence in themselves. You could even set “lines” as a punishment, if that’s a part of your relationship.

Make sure everything you say is genuine and heartfelt. A person who speaks this love language can tell when you’re parroting lines with no feeling behind them.

Kinky Things to Say to a Dominant Who Loves Words of Affirmation

People tend to forget that Dominants have emotional needs, too. Praise kinks are most often associated with submissives, but a Dom is just as likely as a sub to speak the words of affirmation love language.

A Dominant who is into words of affirmation might love to hear lots of verbal feedback during and after play. Don’t go overboard or fake it, but a well-timed “that feels so good” or “this is making me so hard/wet” is likely to go over well. After play, general words of appreciation (“I needed that so much, thank you”) or specific compliments (“the way you handle the whip is so sexy”) can make them glow.

It’s amazing how many submissives forget this: compliment your Dom! Tell her the way she looks in those boots makes you go weak at the knees. Make sure they know how much you admire their skills with rope. Tell them you love their laugh, their kindness, their devotion to their family, or their quirky sense of humour. Just pick something genuine and say it out loud.

However confident and stoic they seem, Doms can also feel insecure, jealous, sad, or lonely. Check in with your partner regularly as a fellow human being who cares about them. Remind them they’re loved, learn about their needs, and let them be vulnerable with you.

Finally, if your D-type sets you a writing task, do it promptly and to the best of your ability.

Words of Affirmation: Tips That Work For Anyone

It’s fun to say hot and kinky things to your partner, but remember to speak this language in other ways, too. Remind them of your confidence, faith, and pride in them. Build them up before an important event, celebrate their achievements, and help to lift their spirits when they’re down.

Don’t underestimate the power of written words, too. If you live apart (or even if you don’t!), a sweet “good morning” text or a message to say you’re thinking about them could make their whole day. Love letters, cute notes left around the house or slipped into their bag, and heartfelt cards on special occasions will be cherished.

Sexting was made for relationships between people who communicate their love in words. Share a fantasy, tell your partner about a sexy dream you had, or spin an elaborate scene together.

Most importantly, say “I love you.” Seriously. Say it often and say it with your entire heart. No-one who speaks the “words of affirmation” language will get tired of hearing it.

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11 Things a Collar Can Mean (But Doesn’t Have To)

What is the meaning of a collar in BDSM? Ask ten BDSM enthusiasts what collaring means to them and you’ll get 20 different answers. Not all kinksters use collars in their play or D/s relationships. Amongst those who do, they can have vastly different meanings depending on context and the people involved.

A simple band around the neck can take on many different significances and be worn in many different ways. As with anything in BDSM, Here are some I thought of, though I am sure there are many more.

A Lifetime Commitment: Collaring as a BDSM Marriage

Some kinksters view their collar as akin to a wedding ring. They may or may not also be legally married to their partner, and they may or may not also wear a traditional wedding ring, but they view their collar as the outward symbol of their lifetime commitment to a BDSM relationship.

Some couples choose to formalise their collaring with a ceremony. This can be performed privately or in front of friends and loved ones.

BDSM Collar Meaning: Permanent Ownership

Some people use “owner/property” dynamics as part of their kinky relationships. In these contexts, the submissive may wear a collar as a symbol that they are the property of their partner. Some couples choose a permanent collar that cannot be removed without a key. If you go down this route, always make sure the wearer has a spare in case of an emergency.

BDSM Collar Meaning: Temporary Ownership

Not all kinksters want to be in a 24/7 or lifetime BDSM relationship, but still want to go deeply into a Dominant or submissive headspace. For these people, a collar can serve as a sign of temporary ownership, whether for the length of a scene, a day, a weekend, or longer. However, when the collar comes off or the context changes, the ownership dynamic also ends or transitions back into an equal partnership.

Self-Collaring: A BDSM Collar Meaning “I Belong to Me”

I have a collar I bought for myself. When I wear it, it’s a reminder that I am owned by no-one but myself. My body, my choices, and my heart are mine. I might choose to give them away to trusted people for short amounts of time, but they always come back to me at the end. Self-collaring can be a reminder to be true to yourself, a way to access your submissive identity when you don’t have a dominant, a reminder to take care of yourself, and so much more.

Keeping a Connection and Closeness Alive with a Collar

Perhaps you’re in a long-distance or non-nesting relationship. Maybe you just want to feel close to your partner and keep your D/s dynamic alive when you’re not physically together. Regardless of your circumstances, wearing a collar can be a great way to do this. Many couples choose a day collar for this purpose, which can symbolise your relationship without raising any eyebrows in public.

Collars of Consideration or Training

Some people who practice formal BDSM relationships follow a series of steps leading up to permanent collaring. During this process, the submissive may wear a “training collar” or “collar of consideration” for a period of time before receiving their permanent collar. As with anything in a BDSM dynamic, negotiate the meaning of each collar clearly with your partner at every step of the process.

Collars as a Way of Getting Into a Headspace

Whatever your kinky headspace looks like, putting a collar on your submissive partner or having one put on you can be a “shortcut” to accessing that headspace. For people who play at events or parties, putting on the collar at the start of the night is often part of the getting-ready ritual.

Collars Signalling “Leave Me Alone, I’m Taken”

This isn’t foolproof, but I’ve found that if I’m attending a kink event unpartnered and I don’t want to be hit on, wearing a collar will significantly cut down on the unwanted attention I receive.

Because BDSM collars can have so many different meanings and not everyone is monogamous, people won’t necessarily assume that your collar means you’re unavailable. But at least some likely will. Think of it as the kinky equivalent of flashing a wedding ring when the creepy guy at the bar isn’t getting the hint.

No Deep Meaning: A Collar as a BDSM Tool

For some people, a collar is part of a scene that’s there for what it can do rather than what it means. This might mean attaching a leash to lead your submissive around a party, cuffing their hands to their collar to immobilise them, or using it to tug them in for a kiss.

Collars as Decorations or Fashion Accessories

Collars look pretty and can add a kinky twist to an outfit quickly and easily. I have one I love that was sent to me for review. It has no meaning attached to it and isn’t connected to any particular relationship. I wear it because I like how it looks.

Flagging Kinky in Public

The idea of flagging originates from the “hanky code”, which was pioneered by gay and bisexual men in the 1970s. Coloured handkerchiefs placed in certain positions are used to indicate interest in various sexual roles and practices. Flagging has come to refer more broadly to using outward symbols to subtly indicate your proclivities to other interested parties.

There are many spaces where, though they’re not kink-specific events, a lot of the participants will likely be kinky. Think adults’ LGBTQ+ community events, goth clubs, geek and sci-fi events, Renaissance Fairs, and so on. In these spaces, the meaning of a BDSM collar can be “hey, we have this thing in common!”. You might even make some new friends.

The Taboo Brighton Logo

This post was sponsored by Taboo Brighton. Taboo launched in 2003 and has established itself as a genre-defining Brighton retail experience. The store was awarded “Best Sex Shop in the UK” at the Erotic Trade Awards. It was also once described in The Guardian as the “Dolce and Gabbana of Sex Shops”. All views and writing are mine.

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine

I, along with many other sex bloggers, recently received a package of seven sex toys from Satisfyer which included the Yummy Sunshine vibrator, This brand, known primarily for suction-based toys, is now making vibrators too. I gave most of them away to friends, but decided to keep and try out this one: the Yummy Sunshine.

Unfortunately, I have to acknowledge that many of the new Satisfyer products are pretty blatant rip-offs of Fun Factory designs, right down to the loop handles. This happens a lot in the sex toy industry (and Satisfyer is plenty guilty of it, having started life riding on the suction toy coat-tails of Womanizer,) but that doesn’t make it acceptable. So I’m immediately predisposed to dislike this toy from that perspective.

Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine: Details

The Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine vibrator on a white sheet

The Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine is made of bright yellow silicone with a plastic handle. Sex toys aimed at people with vulvas tend to come in a small range of colours, with pink, purple, and red reigning. There’s nothing wrong with any of these shades, of course, but it’s nice to see something a little different. One of the reasons I gravitated to the Yummy Sunshine was simply that I’ve rarely seen a yellow sex toy.

The Yummy Sunshine is an internal vibrator measuring 8.75″ in total length, 6″ in insertable length, and 1.5″ in diameter at the widest point. Given the size, it’s pretty lightweight. It has a lightly ribbed shaft and a gentle curve.

The Yummy Sunshine vibrator on a black pillow

This toy is USB rechargeable via a magnetic charging pin. It’s also waterproof.

In Use

The Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine has 6 speeds, 6 patterns, and a straightforward three-button interface. Though the buttons are well-placed and easy to press, the lower button is the “up” setting and the upper button is the “down” setting for some reason, which is completely counter-intuitive. When it comes to holding this toy, I like the loop handle but someone with larger hands might find it more difficult to use as the loop is pretty small.

The control panel on the Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine vibrator

In use, my overwhelming impression of this toy was “blah.” It’s fine but I’d be unlikely to reach for it by preference.

The vibrations are mediocre, neither rumbly nor powerful enough to be impressive. I can orgasm with the Yummy Sunshine if I set my mind to it, but it’s one of those toys where the orgasm almost feels like more trouble than it was worth.

I will say that I like this toy’s shape and texture. The curve is just right for targeted G-spot stimulation. The soft silicone has a nice flexibility that allows for comfortable positioning. I also like using the ridges and ripples along the shaft externally on my vulva and clit.

Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine: Verdict

I didn’t hate this toy so much I wanted to throw it across the room, but I was left with the overwhelming impression of something that’s just barely okay. It gets the job done, just about, but there’s nothing great or special about it. Again, it’s also a blatantly stolen design and nowhere near as good as the Fun Factory products it mimics. Overall, you can do better for your money.

You can purchase the Yummy Sunshine for £63 from Sex Toys UK.

Thanks to Satisfyer for sending me a shipment of toys including the Yummy Sunshine for review. All view are my own. Pics are by me. Affiliate links are used within this post.

[Toy Review] Godemiche Offbeat

I’ve been sitting on this one for a long damn time, in part because it took us so long to get to actually testing this toy. But after giving it a second trial run, I am ready to tell you all about the Offbeat silicone masturbator (stroker) from Godemiche.

Godemiche, a UK-based retailer run by husband-and-wife duo Adam and Monika, has been making gorgeous, hand-poured silicone dildos for a number of years now. They’ve now branched out into penis toys as well. (And yes, their marketing copy refers to the Offbeat as a toy for the penis, not the less inclusive but more common “toy for men.”)

What is the Offbeat Silicone Masturbator?

Outside of Godemiche silicone masturbator

The OffBeat is a tube-shaped penis masturbator made of silicone. It is available in five different internal textures. We received “Bumps”, which Godemiche describes as “a balanced texture that’s not too intense, not too light – perfect for first-timers.” The outside has a gentle ripple texture, and the company name is stamped along the rim at the bottom.

Each OffBeat comes in its own little storage tub which looks like a miniature poster tube. This useful addition makes for easy and hygienic storage and travel.

Godemiche Offbeat storage tube

Unfortunately, most of the penis strokers and masturbators on the market are still made of porous and sometimes toxic materials such as jelly, rubber, PVC, TPE/TPR, and the notoriously vague “Realistic Feel.” So I can’t say enough how good it is to see a body-safe silicone stroker at an affordable price (especially when you consider how long it should last!)

Sizes and Colours and Customisation Galore

The OffBeat silicone masturbator: “Grande” (short) is 2″ in length, and “Venti” (full-length) is 4″. Both sizes are 1.1″ in diameter and stretchy. The Grande is ideal for those who prefer concentrated stimulation around the head of the penis, while the Venti is best for whose who enjoy having their entire shaft stimulated. The Grande is also a great companion to oral sex! If you’re looking for something that feels more akin to penetrative sex, choose the Venti.

We received the longer Grande version to try out.

The OffBeat, like Godemiche’s dildos, is available in numerous colours. Ours is pearlescent gold and it’s absolutely beautiful. You can choose Godemiche Purple or a surprise colourway at no extra cost, or pay £10 more to select your own colour from the 32 (at time of writing) on offer.

Offbeat Silicone Stroker: In Use

I obviously don’t have a penis, so I turned to my trusty stunt-cock Mr C&K to help me out with this one and asked him to report back.

Apparently, the bobbles on the inside of the toy provided a good amount of friction and sensation without needing to grip very hard at all. This may make it a good choice for people who suffer from hand or wrist pain when masturbating or giving hand sex to a partner. The gentle ripple shape of the outside of the sleeve also means it sits comfortably in the hand, a finger in each dip.

Inside of Godemiche silicone masturbator

Mr C&K also said that one of the things he likes about this toy is that it is so simple, but really makes masturbation feel substantially different from usual. He likened it to the difference between masturbating with your dominant vs non-dominant hand, or the difference between touching yourself and someone else stroking you. Basically, if you’re looking to change up your usual masturbation routine for any reason, grab yourself one of these!

The Offbeat silicone masturbator is stretchy, allowing for most users to enjoy it regardless of penis size and then “hugging” the cock once it’s inserted. For maximum comfort and pleasure, I recommend adding water-based lube to both your penis and the inside of the toy.

The Offbeat can be a little bit of a faff to clean due to all the little ridges and bobbles. I suggest turning it inside out before boil-sterilising it every few uses or before sharing it with a partner. In between uses, a good wash with some hot water and gentle antibacterial soap should do the trick.

Offbeat Silicone Masturbator: Verdict

Mr C&K and I both really like this toy! It’s simple, effective, body-safe, affordable, and should suit a wide range of bodies. We might just go and get all five textures, honestly!

The OffBeat retails for prices starting from £29.99 (Grande) and £35.99 (Venti) from Godemiche.

Thanks to Godemiche for sending us the OffBeat silicone stroker in exchange for an honest review. All views are my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.

[Toy Review] Womanizer Duo

Update 30/10/23: the original Womanizer Duo dual stimulator is no longer available as it has been replaced with the Womanizer Duo 2. All links in this Womanizer Duo review now point to the new edition. However, be aware there may be variations between this version and the newer iteration.

I am very, very picky when it comes to dual stimulation toys (that is, toys that stimulate the clitoris and vagina at the same time—rabbit vibes are the most classic example.) Most of them simply don’t work very well for me. Would the Womanizer Duo, an unusual dual stimulation toy featuring a clitoral suction stimulator, break that pattern?

Womanizer Duo Review: Details

Womanizer is a high-end sex toy brand with high-end prices to match. The absolute cheapest model, the Womanizer Starlet, will set you back £69.99 at full price. This model, Womanizer’s most expensive yet at the time of writing, retails for £171/$224.

The Womanizer Duo’s basic design is similar to that of a rabbit vibrator. It has an insertable shaft and a clitoral stimulator. However, instead of the traditional vibratinbg “ears,” the smaller arm sports one of Womanizer’s patented Pleasure Air clitoral simulators.

Black dual stim sex toy held in a woman's hand, for a Womanizer Duo review
Image: Womanizer

At 9″ in total length, this is a pretty hefty toy. However, the insertable length is a more manageable 5″ and the widest part of the insertable shaft is 1.4″ in diameter. The Womanizer Duo is waterproof and USB rechargeable, with a battery life of around 2 hours 2 hour charge. Its body is made of silicone and it is available in an array of colours including black, burgundy, and blue.

As well as the toy, charging cable, and instruction booklet, in the box you’ll also a satin storage bag and two removable silicone heads for the clitoral stimulator in different sizes. These are great if you want to share your toy with a partner safely.

Just like I commented in my Womanizer Premium review, the Womanizer Duo packaging reminds me of the kind of packaging that would hold high-end perfume or make-up. It’s stylishly designed and beautifully presented. However, it’s also a bonkers amount of single-use plastic, which I don’t love.

Womanizer Duo In Use: Controls and Features

Womanizer Duo with buttons and control panel showing
Image: Womanizer

The Womanizer Duo has six buttons in total. One turns the toy on and off, another changes the vibration pattern, and the remaining two pairs control the speed of the internal and external stimulators respectively.

The controls take a little getting used to because there are six separate buttons and a lot going on. However, the buttons are easy to press and intuitively placed, and I appreciate having dual directional controls. I feel like I complain about single-directional controls in every other review, so this is a point in the Womanizer Duo’s favour.

I do not like internal vibrations. I find them uncomfortable and occasionally even painful. When I use dual-stim toys at all, I prefer those that have a thrusting mechanism or a “come hither” motion. So it’s a huge deal to me that I can control the Womanizer Duo’s internal vibrator and clitoral stimulator completely independently. This means I can insert the internal arm and enjoy its pressure while the clitoral stimulator works its magic, without having to deal with unwanted vibrations.

The Womanizer Duo has 12 levels of intensity for each arm. The internal vibrator also offers 10 different patterns. This means that hundreds of different combinations are possible and you can tailor your experience to exactly what you want.

Like the Womanizer Premium, the Womanizer Duo boasts the extremely useful “Smart Silence” feature. When Smart Silence is enabled, the toy’s motors will only activate when it close contact with a body. This is a great feature for those who need a more discreet toy. It’s also useful if you’re travelling with your toy.

Womanizer Duo Review: Overall Experience

It took a bit of experimentation to get it to work for me. It’s large and bulky, and it can be awkward to hold. The controls are a little complex, as I mentioned above. However, once I got comfortable and found the combination of settings that worked for me, I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to reach orgasm with this toy.

To be entirely honest, if I hadn’t committed to writing this review, the Womanizer Duo isn’t a toy I’d likely reach for. Overall, I found the orgasm I got from this toy more trouble than it was worth. It took about five times as long as using my favourite bullet or wand (or, frankly, my hand.) I had to keep adjusting it, and holding the toy in place was cumbersome and annoying. It’s also quite difficult to keep a solid seal with the clitoral stimulator, and impossible to do any kind of thrusting without completely losing clitoral contact.

The clitoral stimulator is the usual high-quality, smooth suction Womanizer fans have come to expect. The G-spot stimulator, though, will likely disappoint those who enjoy internal vibrations as they are weak and buzzy.

I think it says a lot that I tossed the Womanizer Duo in a box after I finished testing it and making notes for this review, and I haven’t reached for it again. It’s unlikely that I will.

Pro tip: as well as using plenty of lube on the internal arm, dab a bit on the nozzle of the clitoral stimulator. This helps the toy to form a better seal against your body.

Verdict

The Womanizer Duo is wildly expensive and kind of a pain in the ass to use. It’s an interesting idea, and the combination of internal stimulation and clitoral suction definitely has promise, but the execution is frustrating.

I definitely wouldn’t suggest the Womanizer Duo as either a first dual stimulation toy or a first suction toy. Make sure you actually like these types of toys before you splash out nearly £200. The Womanizer Starlet is a more affordable introduction to suction toys, and a good rabbit vibrator will allow you to find out if dual stim toys are your jam.

The Womanizer Duo is available from Lovehoney UK, Lovehoney US, Shevibe, Good Vibes, and Babeland.

Thanks to Womanizer for sending me the Duo dual stimulator to review. All views are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.

[Kink Product Review] Beginner BDSM Toys: Leather Cuffs, Hemp Rope, and Silicone Paddle

If you’re looking to explore BDSM for the first time, the sheer volume of toys and gear on the market can be overwhelming. From BDSM starter kits to custom, artisan-made toys, shopping for beginner BDSM toys can be a minefield and an expensive one at that. That’s why I’m working with The Pleasure Garden, a women-owned and 100% body-safe online sex shop, to bring you this round-up of three potential options for newcomers to kink: a set of leather cuffs, some hemp rope, and a silicone paddle. You’ll also find some quick tips on how to use them safely.

Let’s delve into the parcel, shall we?

Beginner BDSM Toys #1: Bound Noir Slim Wrist Cuffs

If you’re interested in playing with bondage and restraint, a set of good quality wrist cuffs is a great place to start. This set, made of soft and supple real leather with gold-coloured metal hardware, retail for the bargain price of £34.99.

Bound Noir black leather cuffs from a beginner BDSM toys kit

The Bound Noir Slim Wrist Cuffs come with a removable connecting chain with clips at either end, and each cuff has two D-rings. This offers plenty of opportunities for play, from securing the wearer’s hands behind their back to fastening them to a bondage bed, St. Andrew’s Cross, or other surface. They have 5 notches for an adjustable fit.

These cuffs are soft and comfortable, and the leather gets softer with use as you break them in. I’ve worn them in scene them for well over an hour, and they remained comfortable the whole time. The gold accents give an elegant feel.

Bound Noir black wrist cuffs on anonymous female hands

If you’re vegan or would prefer not to use products made from animal leather, there are many faux leather alternatives available.

Leather Wrist Cuffs Tips & Tricks

When you start playing with restraint, experiment with different positions. Not everything will be comfy for everyone. Clip your partner’s hands together behind their back, hook their arms around the bedpost, or tie their hands to something above their head. If you like attending kink parties or other play spaces, there will be all kinds of furniture to experiment with. Pair with a set of ankle cuffs for more complete restraint or a “spread-eagle” position.

Safety-wise, cuffs should be loose enough that you can slip 1-2 fingers between the cuff and the skin. Experiment with different settings and check in regularly. If the wearer experiences any numbness, tingling, or pins and needles in the hands, take the cuffs off or loosen them. Never leave a bound person alone.

Store your cuffs flat, not fastened, to keep them looking good for longer.

Beginner BDSM Toys #2: Bound to Please Hemp Bondage Rope

Ask any rope bondage practitioner about their favourite type of rope, and you’ll get wildly different but equally passionate answers. We all have our favourites. I’ve always favoured jute for its look, its feel, and the way it handles. Another popular choice is hemp. this hemp bondage rope from Bound To Please.

Hemp rope coiled from a beginner BDSM toys kit

This hemp rope retails for £12.99 for each 10 metre lengths. It is 5mm in diameter, which is my preferred rope thickness for most purposes.

The thing I love about natural fibre ropes, and hemp in particular, is the smell. Hemp rope has a distinct, sweet and woody smell smell. Natural fibres also get softer and smoother with use, as they are handled and absorb the natural oils from your skin.

Rope Tips & Tricks

Close up of part of a futomomo in hemp rope on anonymous leg
A self-tie by me

Beginners often wonder how much rope to buy, and the annoyingly vague answer is “it depends.” Factors like the size of your rope bottom and the types of ties you want to do will have an impact. If all you want to do is tie your partner to the bed for sex, a couple of lengths will be enough. For more complex formal ties, a minimum of 3 lengths will get you started.

Once you start moving beyond very basic ties, the risk involved in rope bondage increases. Suspension looks cool and can be great fun, but it is also very dangerous if not done properly. Take the time to become proficient in floor-based bondage before you even think about suspending or being suspended, and then learn how to do it under the guidance of an experienced rigger.

Make sure you can remove the rope quickly if you need to. EMT shears (the kind paramedics use) are a popular and safe option. Again, never leave a bound person alone.

Peer rope events, in-person or online classes, and instructional videos by reputable teachers are all great ways to learn bondage basics and not-so-basics. Don’t discount self-tying, either, which can be both fun and educational.

Beginner BDSM Toys #3: Bound to Please Silicone Paddle

The most common materials for spanking paddles are leather, faux leather, and hard plastic. I’d never used a silicone paddle before I received this one to try.

The Bound To Please Silicone Paddle measures 41cm long by 6cm wide. It is light and easy to handle, a breeze to clean and sterilise (just throw it in boiling water or use a body-safe medical wipe), and suitable for vegans.

BLack silicone paddle from a beginner BDSM toys kit

I tested this one out with my partner The Artist. To the best of my recollection, my reaction to the first few strikes was a string of profanity. A combination of the density of the silicone, textured surface, and slender design means this fucking thing hurts like hell.

Seriously, I don’t think I can really recommend a silicone paddle as a beginner BDSM toy. It is vicious.

Now to be clear, I love this paddle. But I am an experienced kinkster and have been doing impact play for well over a decade. Unless you have a high pain tolerance and a very clear idea of your body’s capabilities and limits, I cannot recommend this paddle to someone just starting out. You could get hurt or hurt your partner in a bad way if you start out with an impact toy this intense.

So what do I recommend instead? A wide, soft leather paddle or flexible layered paddle is a great beginner BDSM toy for curious impact players.

If you’re feeling brave enough to try this fucker, though, it retails for an affordable £24.99.

Silicone Paddle Tips & Tricks

Black silicone paddle in anoymous hand

Before you pick up a silicone paddle or any other impact toy, learn which areas of the body you can safely strike. Fleshy areas like the butt and backs of the thighs are low risk and enjoyable on most people. Front and inner thighs, breasts and chests, upper backs, and genitals can also be fun if you’re careful. Never strike the face, head, neck, spine, lower back, or any bony area or joint.

If you’re new to impact play, start slowly. Most people can take more impact, and will enjoy it far more, if you build up gradually. Unless you’ve negotiated it very explicitly with an experienced bottom, whacking someone at full force right out of the gate is a recipe for a bad time.

Remember that the goal of an impact play session isn’t to take or dish out as much as you possibly can. The goal is for everyone involved to have a good time.

When you’re negotiating a spanking session, get clear about what kind of scene you want and what impact play means to you. Playing with punishment is hot to some people and emotionally painful for others. Will power dynamics be involved or are you purely in it for the physical sensations? Will you be taking on a role, or playing as yourself?

Other Recommendations For Your First Toy Kit

When you’re just starting out in kink, you don’t necessarily want to spend a fortune on kit – especially before you’ve fully worked out what you like! Exactly what you prioritise spending your money on will, of course, depend on your interests. But here’s a few things I think you should consider for your basic all-purpose kink kit…

  • A blindfold
  • A soft flogger
  • A wand vibrator (great for vulvas and penises alike!)
  • A gag
  • A pair of nipple clamps
  • A set of wax play candles

Thank you to The Pleasure Garden for sending me these items to review. Affiliate links appear in this post. All views and writing are mine.

[Toy Review] Rocks Off Chaiamo

Q: what’s unique about Rocks Off? A: it’s the only sex toy company whose toys I have seen on the shelves of my local Sainsburys. Rocks Off has consistently offered solid basic toys at affordable prices, and I just received the new Chaiamo bullet vibrator to try out.

Rocks Off Chaiamo: Details

The Chaiamo is a straight vibrator with a gently tapered tip. It measures 6″ in length, with 5″ of insertable length and a diameter of 1.25″ across the centre of the shaft. The button is located on the base of the toy.

The Chaiamo is waterproof and USB rechargeable, with an battery life of around 3 hours for a 3 hour charge. It has made of silicone, with a plastic base. I received the black version, but the Chaiamo is also available in burgundy.

Chaiamo Review: In Use

If I could describe the Rocks Off Chaiamo in one sentence it would be “simple yet effective.”

Shape-wise, it offers excellent versatility. Use the edge for broader stimulation, or the tapered tip if you’re looking for something more focused (though not truly pinpoint.)

It’s also suitable for internal use, if that’s your jam. I hate internal vibrations and I prefer my insertable toys to have a curve, so the Rocks Off Chaiamo isn’t a good choice for internal use for me. However, fellow sex blogger Isabelle Lauren describes her experience very positively in her review. This toy does not have a flared base so is not safe for anal use.

The Chaiamo’s body is rigid, making it ideal for me as someone who likes to press toys firmly into my vulva. Its straight shaft is smooth and untextured.

I was also pleasantly surprised by the Chaiamo’s motor. It is not only pretty powerful, but also far more rumbly than most toys I’ve tried at this price point. It’s also fairly quiet, if that’s important to you.

The Rocks Off Chaiamo’s one button interface is simple to use and the button is easy to press. However, scrolling through all 10 settings—3 constant speeds and 10 patterns—if you want to go back one step is always super annoying.

Rocks Off Chaiamo: Verdict

I’m so impressed with this toy considering how cheap it is!

If you’re looking for a versatile and well-designed basic vibrator with a good motor at an affordable price, the Chaiamo is that toy.

The Chaiamo currently retails for $49.99/£44.99 and is available from Shevibe, Lovehoney UK, Good Vibes and Babeland.

Thanks to Rocks Off for providing me with this toy to review. All views and writing, as always, are mine. Affiliate links appear in this post.

How Do I Clean My Silicone Sex Toys?

One of the most common questions people ask about silicone sex toys is how to clean them. Cleaning your silicone sex toys isn’t complicated, it just requires a little knowledge.

The risk of STI transmission through sex toys is lower than for other types of sex. However, it still exists and you should take precautions accordingly. Dirty toys can also cause thrush, yeast infections, and similar complaints.

For the purposes of safer sex, I always recommend using a barrier if you’re going to share a toy with a non fluid-bonded partner[1] and that toy cannot be boil sterilised or properly washed. My personal policy is barriers on shared vaginal toys unless I am fluid bonded with that partner, and condoms on shared anal toys ALWAYS. It’s a bit less risky for penis toys because the outer skin of the penis isn’t technically a mucus membrane.

A Reader Writes…

Hi Amy,

I know that you should sterilise sex toys after use, and you can do this to silicone dildos and butt plugs (for example) by boiling them in hot water. I’ve bought a pan for dildo sterilising, but do I just… heat them up like I’m boiling potatoes? How do you boil sex toys to sterilise them, plus do you have any tips for storage to keep your toys clean between uses?

How to Clean Silicone Sex Toys Without Motors

First thing’s first: you don’t need toy cleaner. It is a waste of money.

The short answer to our lovely reader’s question is yes. For 100% silicone toys without motors, such as dildos and butt plugs, just pop them in a pan of boiling water on the stove. Bring the water to a rolling boil and keep it bubbling away for 10 minutes or so. Once you’re done, dump the water out, dry your toys thoroughly, and put them away.

By the way: you can do this with non-motorised stainless steel and borosilicate glass toys.

Cleaning Vibrators and Other Motorised Silicone Toys

The boiling method is ideal for toys without motors. But what about cleaning vibrators and other motorised silicone sex toys?

First, check the instructions (and then ignore all the ones that tell you to buy toy cleaner.) If your toy is waterproof, wash it thoroughly with warm water and antibacterial soap. Remember to rinse and dry it thoroughly when you’re done.

For non-waterproof toys, I recommend wiping the surface with a body-safe sterile wipe. I buy them in bulk from a medical supplies store and a single pack lasts for months. Afterwards, wipe it off thoroughly with a clean cloth dunked in warm water.

You can also follow these methods for cleaning waterproof ABS (hard) plastic toys, which also cannot be boiled regardless of whether they have a motor or not.

Remember, if your toy has any tricky grooves or ridges or nozzles, bacteria can gather in them. Take extra care to clean these areas really thoroughly.

Keeping Toys Clean Between Uses

Once you’ve finished cleaning your silicone sex toys, how do you keep them clean between uses?

To be honest, I store my silicone toy by just throwing them all in a box or drawer when they’re clean. That thing about silicone toys melting together in storage? It’s 100% not true. Silicone doesn’t work that way! The myth is a holdover from the time when “silicone” sex toys weren’t actually 100% silicone. If you don’t believe me, check out Dangerous Lilly’s experiment to prove this myth false.

If you use this storage method, I recommend giving your toy a quick wipe down before you use it again. This will get rid of any dust or lint that may have settled on it.

Alternatively, you can also keep your toys in individual bags or pouches to keep them clean between uses. I have some of Lovehoney’s drawstring sex toy bags but you can also buy similar bags from a craft store or online. Many toys also come with their own storage bags, so make use of these if you have them.

Hope this helps!

Affiliate links appear in this post.

    What Happens When You Go for an STI Test in the UK

    Heads-up: this post specifically discusses the STI testing process at a sexual health clinic in the UK based on my experience. Increasingly, different NHS authorities do things slightly differently, so this won’t necessarily be entirely representative. The process may also differ significantly in other countries. Despite its inherent limitations, I hope the information is still useful. Needless to say, none of this is a substitute for qualified medical advice.

    This week I went to my local sexual health clinic for my quarterly screening, otherwise known as an STI (sexually transmitted infection) test. This is a routine part of my life as a non-monogamous person and something I barely think about other than remembering to schedule it. However, this wasn’t always the case. The first time I went, shortly after opening my previously-monogamous relationship at the age of 18, I was nervous because I didn’t know what to expect.

    Let’s answer some common questions about the process of visiting a sexual health clinic in the UK.

    How Often Should I Get Tested for STIs?

    It depends on your risk profile.

    People who have more partners and people who have unprotected sex (including oral sex) should test more regularly. Experts recommend everyone gets tested at least once per year. Yes, committed monogamists, that includes you! Monogamous people can contract STIs if someone cheats, but also through unknown pre-existing infections (some STIs can lie dormant for months or years), treatment failure for a past infection, and incomplete or false-negative screenings. Getting tested doesn’t imply that you don’t trust your partner, or that you are not to be trusted.

    If you have a single, long-term partner and/or always use barriers for every type of sex, an annual test is likely enough. If you have a lot of partners, practice unprotected sex, or do sex work, you’ll need to test much more regularly. As a polyamorous person, I personally test every three months.

    Whatever your relationship style, testing before every new partner is advisible. And, of course, you should get a test if you believe you may have been exposed to an STI or a sexual partner discloses an infection. Remember to observe the testing windows after a possible infection for the most accurate results.

    Where Do I Go for STI Testing in the UK?

    You have two main options for STI testing in the UK: home testing or visiting a sexual health clinic. This post focuses on clinic-based testing, but do-it-yourself tests are a convenient option if you don’t have a local clinic, can’t get there, or simply prefer to test in the privact of your own home.

    Some sexual health clinics offer walk-in times during which you can simply turn up and wait to be seen. These clinics tend to be very busy. Get there early, bring a book, and expect to be waiting for a while.

    Some clinics also have appointments slots which you can book online or on the phone the same as any other medical appointment. Again, these services are very busy and in high demand, so you may need to schedule your test well in advance. If you have symptoms, believe you may have been exposed, or a sexual partner has been diagnosed with an STI, tell the clinic and you may be seen sooner.

    Do I Have to Pay for STI Testing?

    Nope! In the UK, all sexual health services including testing and contraception are available free of charge on the NHS. Free home testing kits are also available in most areas through various

    I’m Under 16, Will the Clinic Tell My Parents?

    No.

    In the UK, as long as you’re over 13, you’re entitled to the same medical confidentiality as anyone and this includes when you visit a sexual health clinic. If your provider feels that there is a serious risk to your safety, such as suspecting that you might be experiencing sexual abuse, they may need to tell someone in order to keep you safe. However, according to NHS guidelines, “the risk would need to be serious and this would usually be discussed with you first.”

    If you’re under 18, please stop reading my blog and check out Scarleteen or Bish for accurate information about sex, sexual health, relationships and your body.

    Will I Have to Answer Questions About My Sex Life?

    Your provider will ask you questions about your sexual practices. You don’t have to answer any questions or disclose anything you don’t want to, but it’s important to be as honest and thorough as possible. This is the best way to make sure you get the tests, advice, and other care you need.

    Questions may differ slightly at each clinic, but here are some I’ve been asked or have heard about others being asked at STI testing clinics in the UK:

    • When was your most recent sexual encounter?
    • What is the sex of that partner? (They may assume the opposite binary sex unless you tell them otherwise. It’s bad practice but heteronormativity is strong.)
    • Is that partner your regular/only partner?
    • Do you use condoms or other barriers when you have sex?
    • Have you ever injected drugs or knowingly had sex with someone who injects drugs?
    • Do you have reason to believe you might have come into contact with HIV?
    • Have you been raped or sexually assaulted? (If you indicate yes, they’ll ask if you need any support or resources.)
    • Have you ever paid for, or been paid for, sex?
    • Have you had sex with someone born outside of the UK?
    • When was your last sexual health screening?
    • Are you pregnant or do you think you might be pregnant?

    How is an STI Test Performed?

    If you have a vulva, a swab will be taken from inside your vagina and you’ll need to provide a urine sample. If you have a penis, you’ll need to provide a urine sample. Some clinics also do swabs from just inside the urethra. If you have anal sex, you’ll need to do a rectal swab, and if you have oral sex you’ll need to do a throat swab.

    Unfortunately, anal and oral swabs are not always offered as a matter of course. You may need to prompt your provider for these or advocate for yourself to get them. I strongly advise you do so, as infections can grow in these areas of the body without being present in the genitals.

    Most STI testing clinics in the UK allow you to take the swabs yourself in private by going into the bathroom or stepping behind a curtain in the consulting room. If you don’t feel confident or comfortable doing this, your provider may be able to do it for you.

    They’ll also take a blood sample to check for blood-borne STIs such as HIV, Syphilis and Hepatitis.

    There’s usually no need for a physical examination unless you have symptoms or specific concerns.

    Does STI Testing Hurt?

    Not really. The swabs aren’t exactly comfortable but they also shouldn’t be painful. Some people with penises find urethral swabs (if performed) slightly painful, but most say it is manageable and over quickly.

    Most people don’t find blood tests painful beyond a quick, sharp scratch, but some people can have a more intense physical reaction to them than others. Tell your provider if you’re needle-phobic or tend to feel sick or lightheaded when you get blood drawn.

    Will the Staff Judge Me?

    No.

    Your provider’s job is to help ensure your health and safety, not to judge you. People don’t generally go into sexual medicine if they are going to judge others for being sexual.

    At the time of updating this post, I’ve been getting STI tests regularly for over 16 years and have very rarely encountered anythng I could even remotely describe as judgemental. Even on the incredibly rare occasions I felt judged, it was more of the “excessive misplaced concern due to ignorance” variety than the moral variety.

    How and When Will I Get My Results?

    This varies between clinics and your provider will tell you what to expect.

    Increasingly, many UK STI testing clinics operate a “no news is good news” policy, meaning that if you don’t hear from them within a set period of time then you can assume everything is fine. They may give you a card with a phone number or online portal to check your results if you want to be sure.

    I always recommend you do check, as it is possible (but rare) for a clinic to lose your samples. This happened to one of my partners once.

    Some clinics may text or email you (usually something simple like “your tests are all negative”) or, less commonly, ring you to let you know you’re in the clear.

    What If I Test Positive?

    If you test positive for an STI, a typical UK sexual health testing clinic will phone you to let you know and advise you on your treatment options.

    For many of the most common STIs, such as gonorrhea and chlamydia, treatment is a simple course of medication. Some STIs cannot be cured, but can be managed. If you have HIV, for example, you’ll need to take medication for the rest of your life, but that life can still be completely normal and fulfilling.

    STIs are not a source of shame. They’re not a death sentence and they don’t signal the end of your sex life. Contracting an STI is no more shameful than contracting the common cold, a sickness bug, or the flu. They’re things that humans sometimes contract in the course of doing normal human activities like having sex. If you do have an infection, it’s much better to know about it so that you can get the most effective treatment quickly.

    Bear in mind that HSV (herpes) and HPV (human papillomavirus) are extremely common—a majority of adults carry one or both and may never even know it—and are not picked up on most standard screenings unless you have symptoms such as warts. HPV can also be picked up on cervical screenings, so make sure you’re attending these if you have a cervix.

    What Other Services Can I Get at an STI Clinic?

    Sexual health clinics in the UK offer a range of services along with STI testing and treatment. Each clinic is slightly different but the services commonly available can include:

    • Contraception including long-acting reversible contraceptives (such as IUDs and implants), advice and referrals for vasectomies and sterilisation, and emergency contraception.
    • Free sexual health supplies such as condoms, dams, and lube.
    • Pregnancy testing.
    • Advice, guidance and support if you’re seeking an abortion.
    • Pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) and post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) to help prevent HIV.
    • Ongoing care, support and monitoring for people who have HIV.
    • Vaccinations to protect against various sexually transmitted infections such as HPV and hepatitis.
    • Cervical smears.
    • Support with sexual difficulties such as erectile issues, vaginismus, and pain during sex.
    • Referrals for specialist services such as psychosexual therapy.
    • Help, support and guidance after sexual assault.
    • General advice on reducing your risk profile and having safer sex.

    When did you last go for an STI test? If it’s been a while, go and book your next test now.

    Affiliate links appear in this post.

    [Toy Review] Satisfyer Multifun

    Update 23/04/25: the Satisfyer Multifun appears, mercifully for genitals everywhere, to no longer be available. I normally remove content about defunct and obsolete products, but this Satisfyer Multifun review is staying because I think it’s worth showing you all what truly terrible sex toy design looks like.

    It’s here, folks. The winner of the not-so-coveted title of “the worst designed sex toy I have ever had the misfortune of putting anywhere near my genitals.”

    I hate being snarky about toys. I really do. I always try to find something positive to say. But in this case, I just… I can’t.

    Satisfyer Multifun Review: Basic Details

    The Satisfyer Multifun, a pink u-shaped vibrator
    First impression: what is this even for?

    Satisfyer is known for its suction-based toys such as the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation and Satisfyer Pro Penguin, many of which have been good-to-excellent. That’s why I was a little surprised that this offering is such an absolute, irredeemable mess.

    The Satisfyer Multifun is a U-shaped toy with two prongs that come almost together at the top. There are two very slight variations between the Multifun 1 and 2: the Multifun 1 is blue and the Multifun 2 is pink, and the ends of the prongs curve in very slightly different ways on each. Again, the difference is tiny. Calling them two different products is, at best, a stretch.

    The Multifun contains three motors, one in each of the prongs (which are operated together with a single button) and one in the base (operated separately with a second button). The toy is about 5 inches long in total, 3.5″ being the prongs and 1.5″ the base.

    This toy is waterproof and USB rechargeable.

    Safe Isn’t Enough

    When I ranted to Mr C&K about how terrible the Satisfyer Multifun is, he pointed out that it’s at least a slight improvement on many terrible sex toys in that it is body-safe. And yes, it is. The entire body of the toy is made of silicone, which is the gold standard for body-safe sex toy materials.

    The Satisfyer Multifun, a pink u-shaped vibrator

    But, as I explained to him, at this point I don’t see “body safe” as enough. I see it as a bare fucking minimum. At this point in my career, “this toy is body safe” is up there with “this food didn’t give me food poisoning.” It’s not a glowing recommendation, it’s a basic expectation.

    So yes. This toy is body-safe. Can I say anything else positive about it? I’m honestly really struggling.

    Satisfyer Multifun Review: Multi-NoFunWhatsoever

    On the back of the Multifun box, Satisfyer has helpfully (and I use the word “helpfully” in the loosest possible sense) included diagrams of different ways to use this toy on both a vulva and a penis. Being the dutiful and diligent toy testers that we are, we tried all of them (except the “hang it off your balls” one, because even Mr C&K’s tolerance for doing weird shit to his genitals for the benefit of my readers has its limits.)

    The Satisfyer Multifun, a pink u-shaped vibrator, hanging on a purple suction cup dildo stuck to a wall.
    Feat. our shower wall and the Blush Ruse Jammy silicone dildo.

    All 12 of Satisfyer’s suggestions were… equally terrible? Similarly nonsensical?

    Pinching it around my clit was mildly painful for the two seconds it stayed on, and then merely annoying as it kept slipping off. Trying to stick it inside me made absolutely no sense whatsoever as it’s entirely the wrong shape to do anything but poke me annoyingly in the vaginal walls. Trying to get it to hang off my nipple like a nipple clamp was merely hilarious (and, needless to say, a complete failure).

    Hanging it around Mr C&K’s penis in various configurations produced no greater reaction than “well… that’s kind of in the way.”

    Even using it as a straightforward clitoral vibrator didn’t work, because the vibrations were so weak and buzzy that I literally Did Not Feel A Fucking Thing.

    Texting a fellow sex blogger friend about this (mis)adventure, I described the Multifun’s vibrations as “akin to a bee buzzing away on my clit. Not even a hive of bees. Just one.”

    A Non-Exhaustive List of Other Things I Hate About This Toy

    • The sound. Good God, the sound. This thing doesn’t just buzz, it whines.
    • The buttons. They’re small, fiddly, and hard to press.
    • The ridiculously gendered marketing. The Satisfyer Multifun proudly proclaims to be “for men, women and couples” (ah yes, the three genders?) There are so many better ways to market that your product is suitable for different types of bodies. The diagrams of possible ways to use it with different genital configurations is more than enough (or would be, if any of them made an iota of sense.) And literally anything can be a toy for couples if you use it with a partner. As if this wasn’t bad enough, it comes in exactly two colours: baby blue (Multifun 1) and pastel pink (Multifun 2.) You know, conveniently colour-coded in case you don’t know which one is for you.

    Satisfyer Multifun Review: Not Satisfying, Zero Fun, Thanks I Hate It

    I hate this toy. I hate it with a burning passion that surprises me. I have never hated a sex toy this much. No, not even the stupid vibrating jelly cockrings like the ones you get out of pub toilet vending machines (is that still a thing or am I showing my age there?) At least we knew those were going to be terrible, and at least they didn’t have a nearly $50 price tag).

    I implore you, do not buy this toy. Your genitals deserve better. For powerful clitoral stimulation, get the We-Vibe Tango X. For a decent vibrating cock ring, get the Hot Octopuss Atom. For a great toy to wear during penetrative sex, get the We-Vibe Sync or Chorus. And for your nipples, even a fucking vibrating bra is a better pick than this nonsense.

    Satisfyer: what the fuck is this? Please do better. And for the love of God, please test your products on actual human genitals before you mass produce them.

    Thank you to Satisfyer for sending me this product to review. Affiliate links appear within this post.