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Nesting Relationship Agreement That Work: Six Questions to Ask Yourselves [Polyamory Conversation Cards #13]

Published on by Amy

Not everyone who is polyamorous wants a nesting relationship—one where you live together with your partner or partners. Some people prefer solo polyamory, or being their own primary partner. Others are highly introverted and prefer to live alone for this reason. Some live a nomadic lifestyle, travel a lot, or prefer to be able to change their living situation regularly.

For many of us, though, living with one or more partners is our current reality or a desired future state.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“Is it important for you to share (or keep sharing) your home with one or multiple partners?”

So let’s talk about nesting relationships and the agreements that govern them. Here are six questions you and your partner(s) should be asking yourselves and each other, whether you’re thinking about moving in together, transitioning from monogamy to polyamory while in a nested relationship, or revising your agreements.

A quick reminder on terminology, as we are going to be talking about agreements, boundaries, and rules in this post.

Boundaries pertain to yourself and the things that belong to you, such as your body, mind, time, and possessions. An example of a boundary is “I will use barriers during sex to protect my sexual health.”

Agreements are made by, and followed by, both or all parties in a relationship, household, or other group. They should enhance the relationship, providing safety, stability or structure without being overly restrictive or onerous. One example is, “we will keep each other in the loop when we take on a new sexual or romantic partner.”

Rules are imposed on people from the outside and involve compelling or forbidding them to do certain things. Rules are generally seen as controlling and frowned upon by the polyamorous community. An example of a rule is “you’re not allowed to have sex without a condom with anyone but me.”

What Are Your Needs Around Shared vs Private Space in a Nesting Relationship?

When I moved in with my nesting partner years ago, one of my requirements before agreeing to the move was that I would have my own office space. This was essential for me, but may not be for you. On the other hand, maybe you’d like your own bedroom? A shared living space where you can have your friends over for D&D night? A room where you can close the door and play video games in peace?

Negotiating your needs and wants around shared and private space is essential when you’re navigating nesting relationship agreements.

Under society’s monogamous paradigm, when a couple moves in together the assumption is usually that they will share a bedroom and bed. This works for many couples, but not others! I know many polyamorous couples or groups who live together in a setup where everyone has their own bedroom. They may bed-hop or stay over in each other’s rooms, occasionally or regularly, but everyone has a space that is ultimately their own.

If you prefer to sleep separately some or all of the time, or if you generally want to sleep together but also need your own room to retreat to, that’s something you will need to work out as you create your nesting agreements. (By the way: it’s also fine to have your own bedrooms if you’re monogamous!)

Will Other Partners Be Able to Visit You at Home, and Under What Circumstances?

Some people practice a strictly parallel form of polyamory in which metamours never meet or interact. This is a completely valid way to be polyamorous, but it can present challenges when one dyad is nesting together.

If you practice parallel polyam, one or both of you dislikes your metamour(s) for some reason, or you are just someone who dislikes hosting people in your space, this might mean that other partners cannot visit you at home.

In some circumstances, this will be totally navigable. Perhaps your non-nesting partners can host at their places. Maybe one of you travels a lot for work and the other can have their other sweeties over during those times. Perhaps you have the money to get a hotel room for regular date nights. Perhaps your other partners are long distance and you only see each other very occasionally. In other circumstances, though, it can present a major issue. These restrictions can even prevent non-nesting relationships from growing, developing, and thriving if they are not carefully managed. If this is your situation, employing creative solutions is called for.

You may decide that not being able to host other partners in a shared home is a dealbreaker for you. Conversely, you may decide that having your metamours in your living space is a dealbreaker. Both are valid choices but, if you and your nesting partner or potential nesting partner aren’t on the same page about this, it might be a sign that living together isn’t right for you.

If you do agree that it’s okay to host people at home, do you need any agreements around that? Are there any limitations, requests, or boundaries that will make it more comfortable for everyone involved? For example:

  • “Please give me a heads-up if your other partner is coming over so I’m not surprised by an unexpected guest”
  • “Please keep the noise down after 10pm as I have to get up early for work”
  • “We generally won’t have other people over on Thursdays as that’s our date night”
  • “Until our new partners have met our children, we’ll only invite them over after bedtime or when the kids are out”

Do You Need Any Agreements Around Use of Beds and Bedrooms?

I wrote about polyamory bed rules recently, and I touched on a common agreement that many nested polyamorous couples make: no other partners in our bed/bedroom. If you and your nesting partner have agreed that having other partners over at home is okay, then do you need to make any further agreements or provisions around use of beds or particular spaces? This will depend on a few factors, from emotional needs to the practicalities of available spaces.

I’ve seen all kinds of different variations on this theme—everything from “whoever has someone over gets the main bed, and the other nesting partner decamps to the guest room” to “other partners only in the guest room, never in our room.” If you each have your own rooms, this becomes somewhat simpler because each person can host in their own room and bed. If not, you will need to work out what feels most viable for everyone in your household as well as other partners.

Factors such as disability (does someone need close access to a bathroom? Can someone not manage stairs?) can also play a role in making these agreements, as can concerns relating to children, pets, sleep needs, work schedules, and so on.

Is There Scope For Other Nesting Relationships or Other Partners Moving In With You At Some Point?

This can be a difficult one, and people have strong feelings on both sides. Perhaps you feel as though all your relationships should have at least the potential for nesting down the line. On the other hand, perhaps you are perfectly happy to live with one person and never want to open up that possibility with any other partner.

Living preferences are deeply personal, so I won’t tell you that any one way is better than any other. What is important, though, is to ensure that you and your nesting partner are on a similar page. If one of you wants to keep nesting exclusive but the other wants the possibility of a big happy polyamorous family under one roof, this is a recipe for big problems down the line.

If living with other partners is potentially on the table, what circumstances would make that possible? Perhaps the relationship with the incoming partner would need to have been stable and healthy for several years. Perhaps this is only a possibility once your children have grown up and moved out. Presumably the metamours, as well as the partners, would need to have a strong and stable connection with one another.

Whatever you decide, it’s important to be honest with other partners. Don’t tell someone (or allow them to believe) that nesting is a possibility if it is not. Likewise, if you are looking for other potential future nesting partners, don’t downplay or obfuscate this desire to seem cool or “chill.” If you’re open to nesting after five years, don’t imply that it could happen in two.

It’s also important to remember that people’s wants, needs, and views can change. Perhaps you both genuinely feel that you never want to live with anyone else right now. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll feel the same way forever. You might, of course, but you also might not.

Talking about and accepting the possibility of changed minds—because relationships and connections can change us profoundly, and in ways we may not understand until we’re in them—can help to alleviate pain down the line. That’s not to say it will be easy if one of you changes your mind or wants to significantly overhaul your nesting agreements. But understanding that the possibility exists can reduce or eliminate a sense of betrayal if it does happen, opening up the door for more productive communication and problem solving.

What Will Happen to Your Relationship If One or Both of You No Longer Wants to Be Nesting Partners?

Denesting means transitioning a nesting relationship to one where you don’t live together, but continuing the relationship in some form. Denesting is very rare in monogamy. It’s relatively uncommon in polyamory too, but I have seen it done and I have seen it work well. Polyamory makes it more possible, because continuing a romantic and/or relationship after denesting does not preclude the possibility of either or both of you finding other nesting partners down the road.

If you’re excited about moving in together, exploring polyamory, or making some other significant change to your nesting relationship, “what happens if it doesn’t work out?” is probably the last thing you want to think about. But it is really, really important to consider and to talk about.

Does your relationship have the potential to continue in a different format if you decide to denest? Does the reason behind the denesting matter? (For example, some people might feel that they could denest relatively happily if their partner received an amazing job opportunity in a different city, but not if their partner decided they’d prefer to nest with another lover instead.)

What discussions, agreements, and boundaries might be needed if you did choose to denest? How might your relationship look if nesting was no longer a part of it?

Of course, none of this is set in stone or constitutes a binding commitment. You might think you’ll feel one way, but feel completely differently—for better or worse—in reality. But having the conversations and imagining the possibilities can save you heartache and pain down the road.

How Will You Share Finances, Chores, and Care For Any Dependents?

This isn’t really a polyamory question, of course, but it is a vital nesting relationship question. If you’re not on at least roughly the same page about these things, it’s a sign you are not ready to live together or not compatible as nesting partners.

How will finances work? (I wrote a long essay about polyamory and money recently.) Who will be responsible for which chores and tasks? How will care for children, pets, and other dependents work? How will you navigate it if one of you is much messier than the other?

It’s been said that the vast majority of domestic issues in relationships are actually roommate issues. I think there’s a lot of truth to this idea. Before you can work out how (or if) you can live together polyamorously, you need to work out how (or if) you can live together, period.

For any polyamorous folks considering living together, whether with one partner or several, Laura Boyle’s Monogamy? In This Economy? is an invaluable resource.

What agreements do you have in your nesting relationship? Any pearls of wisdom to share?

Header image for a chastity cage guide for buyers featuring a close up of a heart shaped padlock

Chastity Cage Guide for Buyers: Materials, Sizing, and More

Published on by Amy

If you’re looking to buy a chastity cage, whether you’re buying your first device or upgrading from your existing cage to a better one, there are lots of factors you’ll need to take into consideration. Many chastity novices make the mistake of grabbing the first cage they see from Amazon or a generic sex toy store, without really understanding how to choose a chastity device that works for their body, sizing needs, and play preferences. That’s why I’ve partnered with LockTheCock once again to bring you this chastity cage guide for buyers. We’ll cover materials, finding your size, and everything else you need to know to find and buy the best chastity device for you.

Chastity Cage Guide to Materials

Chastity cages are available in a range of materials, the most common of which are metal, silicone, and ABS plastic. There are advantages and disadvantages to each material, and you’ll need to understand a few things about your preferences to make the best choice for you.

All of these materials are non-porous, body-safe, and easy to clean and maintain. Even so, always remember to remove your device regularly to clean it and to give your body a break regardless of which material you choose.

Chastity Cage Materials Guide: Silicone

Those of you who read my sex toy reviews will know that I love silicone as a material. It is soft and relatively flexible, as well as durable, easy to clean, and completely body-safe. Silicone chastity devices offer more “give” than metal or plastic alternatives, and are likely to be comfortable to wear. If you’re doing long-term chastity, a silicone cage may also be kinder and potentially safer for your body.

Silicone chastity devices are ideal for beginners, those doing longer lockups, and anyone who finds a softer cage more comfortable or practical. They are available in lots of colours, but fewer different designs and styles.

Chastity Cage Materials Guide: Plastic

Plastic cages are a good choice if you are looking for something more rigid and restrictive than silicone but cheaper than metal. It is a lighter material than metal, so may be more comfortable for longer-term wear, but can also be less sturdy and ultimately likely won’t last as long.

Plastic chastity cages also offer the most options in terms of colours and styles to choose from.

Chastity Cage Materials Guide: Metal

Stainless steel is the most common material for metal chastity cages, though some are made of other metals or metal alloys so always double check if you have an allergy or sensitivity. Metal chastity cages are completely unyielding and can therefore be more restrictive than other kinds. Many also find the aesthetic of them incredibly sexy.

Metal cages strike a kinky chord with many users, but they can also be more expensive than other materials. Colour options are also more limited.

Chastity Cage Guide: Sizing, Fitting, and Measuring

Like penises, chastity devices come in a wide range of sizes. Before you buy your device, you’ll need to measure yourself to ensure you are getting a cage that fits you and is safe for your body to wear. A device that is too big is unlikely to give you the feeling of restriction you desire (and may slip off), and a device that is too small can be extremely uncomfortable or even dangerous.

LockTheCock has a comprehensive guide to measuring yourself for your chastity cage, so we’ll just look at some highlights in this section. Measure when your penis is flaccid and, ideally, after a hot bath or shower.

Chastity Cage Ring Sizing

A cock cage has two main sections: the ring and the tube.

LockTheCock chastity cage guide measuring infographic
Image: LockTheCock

The ring of a chastity cage sits around the base of your penis and behind your testicles. To measure for your ring size, wrap a cloth tapemeasure all the way around your penis and testicles at the base to get the circumference. Divide this number by pi (3.14). The resulting number is the diameter, and you should buy the ring that is the closest to that number.

For example, a circumference of 16cm/6.2″ will give you a diameter of 5.09cm/2″, so you’d buy your chosen cage in the size with a ring closest to 2″. Some cages come with multiple rings automatically.

Finding Your Tube Size

Next, you’ll need to measure your penis’s length for the tube of the chastity cage. Again, measure when flaccid. This time, a straight ruler is best and this step may be easier with a partner’s help, if possible.

Stand up straight, then place the ruler against the base of your penis at the top, press it firmly against your pubic bone, and lay it across the length of your penis like this:

LockTheCock chastity cage guide to measuring infographic
Image: LockTheCock

To get your chastity cage size, subtract between 0.25″ and 0.5″ from your measurement. For example, if your penis measures 5″ in length when flaccid, you’ll need a cage with a tube between 4.5″ and 4.75″.

Chastity Cage Guide: Other Considerations

Understanding your size and choosing the right material for you are two of the most important steps in choosing a chastity cage. But there are other considerations, too – so in the interests of providing a comprehensive chastity cage guide for buyers, here are a few other things you might want to think about.

How Do You Want to Feel?

Chastity, like many kink activities, is ultimately about the feelings it invokes – both physically and psychologically. So understand how you think you might want to feel during your chastity play.

Do you want to notice your chastity cage every time you move, or set it and forget it until you’re ready to play? Do you want tight restriction or a gentler sensation? In terms of psychological feelings, do you want to feel safe? Owned or possessed? Humiliated? Tormented?

There are no right and wrong answers here. Like all kink, it’s deeply personal and will be unique for everyone. Take time to figure out what feels true for you.

Budget

Chastity cages can range in price from under $20 for a basic device up to hundreds of dollars for a custom piece. Most will fall somewhere in the middle. You’ll likely have an idea of your budget and want to stick to it. In general, silicone and plastic devices are cheaper than metal, and more basic designs are cheaper than those with lots of additional features.

Aesthetics

Yes, looks matter to many people when it comes to toys and devices! Your chastity cage is going to be worn on your body, after all, so be guided by the aesthetics that make you feel good.

Consider the appearance of the material, the colour, and the style you want. Do you want something simple or fancy? Any particular colours you love or hate? Do you prefer a typically masculine-coded aesthetic, or something more neutral or even feminine-coded?

Additional Features

Some chastity cages come with extra features, such as app compatibility (ideal for long-distance relationships) or inbuilt stimulation options such as electrostim or vibrations. Of course, the more features you want, the more expensive your cage will be. Some will find that these additions greatly enhance their play, though. Have a think about what additional features matter to you, if any.

What Does Your Dominant Prefer?

You might be doing chastity play alone, in which case only your preferences matter. On the other hand, perhaps you have a Dominant who is going to act as your keyholder. If so, don’t forget to take their thoughts and preferences into account. Choosing a chastity cage for partnered play should be a collaborative process and being guided by your Dominant can be incredibly hot in itself.

Thanks to LockTheCock for sponsoring this chastity cage guide and also for sponsoring the site! All views and writing are, as always, my own.

Header for a post on everything The L Word Generation Q got wrong about polyamory from the Alice, Nat and Gigi throuple to Shane not understanding polyamory

Everything The L Word: Generation Q Got Wrong About Polyamory

Published on by Amy

I just finished my rewatch of The L Word: Generation Q. This follow-up from the hit series from the early-mid 2000s catches up with fan faves Bette (Jennifer Beals), Alice (Leisha Hailey), and Shane (Katherine Moennig) 10 years later as well as bringing in a host of new gay, queer and trans characters. The L Word Generation Q also covers new ground including polyamory and the much-discussed triad (“throuple“) relationship of Alice, Nat, and Gigi.

From here on out there will be spoilers for all three seasons of the series, so stop reading now if you want to avoid those!

It’s safe to say that, in many ways, Generation Q tries to fix some of the things that The L Word got wrong. Notably, there is significantly improved representation of Alice’s bisexuality (and bisexuality in general), much better trans representation (Shane’s apology to Max for “the way we were back then” reads to me as an apology from the producers to the entire trans community), and the addition of non-binary characters as well as butch women characters.

One thing it still manages to get horrendously wrong, though, is its representation of consensual non-monogamy and polyamory. The most notable polyamory storyline features Alice, her girlfriend of two years Nat, and Nat’s ex-wife Gigi, but I also have things to say about Shane and non-monogamy.

Back in 2018, I wrote about all the things You Me Her got wrong about polyamory (spoiler: a lot.) Let’s give The L Word: Generation Q the same treatment, shall we?

The L Word Generation Q’s Alice, Nat and Gigi: The Inevitable Throuple Trope

This is the eternal problem of polyamory in fiction: most writers seem to think that the default configuration for polyamory is a triad (or, to use a cringeworthily terrible word I wish would die already, “throuple.”) That is, three people in a relationship all together. In the vast majority of cases, this is the only representation we get.

The reality is that triads are fairly rare. Stable, healthy, functional triads are even rarer. It’s a really difficult dynamic to both find and sustain, with a very high failure rate, and is just not representative of how most people do polyamory.

The only slight saving grace of The L Word Generation Q’s throuple storyline is that it’s three women rather than the “one man, two women” configuration we usually see.

When Triads Do Happen, They Don’t Usually Result From Drunken Threesomes

I wouldn’t have had a problem with The L Word Generation Q’s throuple story if it had been handled differently. The show could have done something interesting with Alice, Nat and Gigi having the threesome and then having to deal with the resulting awkwardness and emotional fallout. Things happen, particularly when unresolved feelings and a lot of tequila are involved. And frankly it’s a fucking hot scene.

But for an alcohol-fuelled spontaneous threesome to transition to a full-on triad in the space of about two days is flat-out ridiculous.

The L Word Generation Q’s Throuple Involving Two Ex Wives is Hard Mode on Speed

Look, I understand that the point of this storyline was to show that Nat and Gigi aren’t over each other and that Nat genuinely loves Alice while also genuinely loving Gigi. But The L Word Generation Q’s bungled throuple storyline was the worst possible way to do it. Anyone with a modicum of polyamory experience would have been screaming watching this.

Poor Alice never stood a chance in this situation. Pro tip: if you’re going to try polyamory, a triad is hard mode. If you’re going to try a triad anyway, doing it with your (or your partner’s) ex is the worst possible way to go about it.

Why Does Nat Give Alice False Hope With a Promise of Monogamy?

After the L Word Generation Q throuple falls apart, Nat turns up at Alice’s show recording to win her back. She promises Alice that she wants to love and be with “just her.” But they’ve barely reconciled when Nat os coming out as polyamorous, and has apparently been thinking she might be poly for a long time.

So why, then, did she make a promise she knew she might not be able to keep? This just seems exceptionally and needlessly cruel to Alice.

Does Alice Have to Be So Judgy?

Alice has been subjected to a fair amount of bigotry and prejudice on both the original L Word and Generation Q, not least a lot of biphobia (including from her friends.) She’s also a fan favourite, and perhaps the character I personally relate to the most. So it was really, really disappointing to see this exchange:

Nat: “Monogamy isn’t for everyone.”
Alice: “It’s for most people. Except the bad ones.”

I can accept that Alice can’t handle polyamory in her own relationship. That’s fair. Like monogamy, it’s not for everyone. But it makes me really sad to see her being so harsh and judgemental about it. When Nat goes and cries in the bathroom after this exchange, my heart broke for her.

When Did Nat and Alice Discuss… Literally Anything?

In a pretty tender and emotional L Word Generation Q scene, some time after their throuple with Gigi falls apart, Nat comes out as polyamorous to a horrified Alice. Next thing we know, she’s coming back from her first overnight sex date. I hate that the show totally skipped over everything that comes in between these two points. The hours of talking, negotiating, processing, discussing agreements and boundaries and more… all skipped.

Obviously we couldn’t see all of this, because the show only has so much time. But one or two scenes is, surely, not too much to ask for. Instead, it gives the impression that the opening up journey is a quick hop, skip and jump from “I think I’m polyamorous” to “overnight dates.”

How the Fuck Has Shane Never Heard of Polyamory?

After Shane inevitably cheats on her girlfriend Tess (played by the gorgeous and fabulous Jamie Clayton of Sense8 fame) and they’re trying to work things out, Tess asks Shane if she wants to do ethical non-monogamy (ENM.) Shane, the player and womanizer extraordinaire who also lives in a huge liberal city and has been part of the LGBTQ community for decades, has apparently… never heard of this concept.

It’s even implied at one point that Shane and her ex-wife Quiara had some kind of non-monogamous relationship when Quiara says something like “you and I have never done things the conventional way.” Yet later on, Shane’s somehow never even considered this possibility. It makes absolutely no sense.

And One Thing The L Word Generation Q Got Right: The Heartbreak of a Failed Throuple and Fundamental Incompatibility

I hate how it got there, but I actually think having Alice and Nat break up over their incompatible views on monogamy was a good and powerful storyline. Because in those situations, where one of you wants monogamy and the other doesn’t, breaking up is often inevitable and usually the best choice (even though it utterly sucks.)

Credit where credit is due, this was a far better choice than either Alice reluctantly going along with polyamory or Nat reluctantly going along with monogamy.

But seriously, when are we going to get better polyamorous representation on TV? When are writers and producers going to start actually, you know, talking to polyamorous people?

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[Toy Review] Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen

Published on by Amy

I finally got my hands on the Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen, and I’m so excited to review it for you all.

Those of you who have been floating about in the sex geekery space for some time may remember the Hot Octopuss Queen Bee which hit the market in 2017. Hot Octopuss rose to fame for their Pulse, an innovative penis toy which draws on medical technology that uses oscillation to enable ejaculation in people with severe spinal cord injuries. Pretty cool no? The Pulse can be used on either a hard or flaccid dick and was a major breakthrough in accessible toy design that centres disabled people.

Following that success, Hot Octopuss naturally wanted to offer something for vulvas, too. That’s where the Queen Bee came in. Unfortunately, the Queen Bee – while great in theory – fell short in a number of key areas. It was loud as fuck, kinda ugly, and stopped working if you applied any significant pressure. I didn’t hate it as much as some bloggers did, but I was highly underwhelmed.

For all these reasons, when I learned that Hot Octopuss had released a brand new and improved toy for vulvas, I couldn’t wait to try it out.

What is the Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen?

Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen

The Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen is described as “the world’s first wand with PulsePlate Technology™.” It’s not really a wand in the traditional sense, and its shape is similar to that of many clitoral suction toys. It is a clitoral stimulator that uses high-amplitude oscillations rather than vibrations to deliver deep and rumbly sensations.

The Pulse Queen is made of body-safe silicone (with a plastic control panel on the back) in an attractive shade of turquoise – one of my favourite colours! It is rechargeable, waterproof, and comes with a storage bag.

Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen Review: What I Liked

Buckle in, because I have a LOT to say about the things I love about this toy.

Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen

  • The deep, rumbly stimulation makes me cum fast and reliably and hard. It’s like all the best things about a super rumbly vibrator, only… better. Mains-powered wands are the only other type of toy I’ve ever tried that provide stimulation like this. The orgasms I have with this thing feel inevitable, like it’s going to pull them from me even with minimal effort on my part. Without putting too fine a point on it, heartbreak-induced depression hasn’t exactly been making me feel very sexy lately. But with this toy I can push through that and have an orgasm even when my head isn’t entirely in the game. A vibrator might not directly help me to get over a broken heart, but a good orgasm makes me want to curl up and die slightly less for a few minutes. So that’s something.
  • The shape of the oscillating head. It tapers to a gentle point, offering targeted clitoral stimulation. Prefer a broader sensation? Just tilt it slightly to the side and use the edge rather than the tip.
  • The toy is light and the curved handle makes it comfortable and ergonomic to hold. I can use this for much longer than I can use a wand before I start getting hand or wrist cramps. Senior sex expert Joan Price, one of my absolute heroes and an icon in the sex ed and sex positivity world, specifically calls out this toy as “good for arthritic wrists.”
  • The Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen’s dual speed controls mean you can scroll up and down through speeds as you like. A third button allows you to switch between oscillation settings. There are six patterns as well as constant oscillation. I could live without the patterns but, thanks to the easy and intuitive controls, I don’t hate that they’re there. Each setting has an impressive 9 intensity levels to choose from.
  • The buttons are well placed, easy to press, and satisfyingly clicky. They’re also large enough and have distinctive enough shapes that it’s easy to feel for them without looking and press the right one. No risk of hitting the wrong one at the wrong moment and accidentally ruining your orgasm.
  • It is fully waterproof. This means it’s easy to clean as well as usable in the bath or shower. (Not really my thing, but it might be yours!)
  • Though it’s designed with clits in mind, I am reliably informed it also feels great on penises.
  • It’s really pretty! Seriously, did I mention how pretty it is?

Anything I Didn’t Like?

The Pulse Queen is significantly quieter than the Queen Bee, but it’s still pretty loud. Something to be aware of if you have family or roommates at home. It’s probably no louder than a typical wand but for some reason it feels more grating to me. It might be the frequency, or it might just be the dissonance of the toy’s small size with its noise output. Either way, I can live with it but I don’t love it.

Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen

The battery life isn’t great, offering around 40 minutes of runtime on a full charge. It’s not a huge problem considering that this thing typically gets me off in under five minutes. But it does mean you’ll need to remember to charge the toy regularly if you’re using it a lot (which, erm, I am!) It may also be a problem for those who take longer to reach orgasm.

It’s also worth noting that, like the Queen Bee, the Pulse Queen also stops oscillating if I press it too hard against my vulva. This is probably just a feature of this type of technology and basically unavoidable. It’s worth noting if you prefer a lot of pressure, though.

I also have to have a small gripe about the gendered language here. Does it really have to be called a “Queen”?

Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen Review: Verdict

The Pulse Queen is, despite some small issues, one of the best new sex toys I have tried in a very long time. It’s an incredible upgrade on the Queen Bee in every way. Honestly I’m hesitant to even call it an upgrade. Naming conventions and passingly similar concept aside, it’s pretty much an entirely new toy. And it’s so, so, so fucking good.

This is how you do an oscillating toy for vulvas.

The Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen retails for £99.95/$99.95 and is available directly from Hot Octopuss as well as from Shevibe, Good Vibes, Babeland, Lovehoney UK and Lovehoney US.

Thanks to Hot Octopuss for sponsoring this review of the Pulse Queen. This means that they paid me to write a fair and balanced review. All opinions and writing are, as always, my own.

Close up of green dress with a "100% recycled fabric" label, for a post on sustainable style as a femme

Five Ways I’m Trying to Increase Sustainability in My Femme Style

Published on by Amy1 Comment

My identity and presentation as a femme is tremendously important to me. Femme is not just a way of dressing, but a way of sharing who I am with the world. It’s an inherently queer identity and my femme style is a way of living in and embodying my queerness every day. However, like many of us in recent years, I’ve also been thinking more about my impact on the planet and how to express my style in a more sustainable way. So, in collaboration with slow fashion brand IDENTITY LINGERIE, I wanted to talk about some of the changes I’ve made.

Acknowledgement and disclaimer: Before I dive in, I want to acknowledge that to a certain extent many sustainability practices (including those I have listed here) require privileges that many people do not have access to, including money and time. It is also not ultimately possible for individuals to save the planet. The biggest changes must come from corporations and governments. This list is not a prescription or a set of instructions, and you know best what is possible for your life. This is simply what works for me. I’m also far from perfect and frequently fail to live up to the high standards I set for myself. No ethical consumption under capitalism, etc.

Breaking Up with Fast Fashion

Fast fashion—brands that churn out massive quantities of ultra-cheap, throwaway clothing—is one of the world’s most polluting industries. It also exploits workers and harms animals. For all these reasons, I no longer buy new fast fashion items. Sustainable alternatives to new fast fashion if you like a particular style include thrifting pieces, finding alternatives from sustainable brands, or getting creative with items you already own.

Fast fashion brands encourage damaging practices like unnecessary impulse buys, large “hauls” of things that will be worn once or twice (or never worn), and fashions that change overnight.

Buying (and Selling/Donating) Second Hand

I love getting new clothes and shoes, but I actually very rarely buy anything apart from underwear brand new any more. My town has a large number of charity and second-hand shops, and I often find nice pieces at bargain prices there. I also spend far too much time browsing apps like Vinted and Depop and watch-listing things, a small fraction of which I’ll eventually buy. My favourite recent finds include a fabulous leather jacket and some Lucy & Yak rainbow dungarees.

I just had a major clear-out of clothes I no longer wear. I’m going to sell on a few bits, and the rest I’ll either pass on to friends, take to clothing swaps, or donate to charity. That way, they’re not either languishing in the back of my wardrobe or creating more waste, and can instead be worn and enjoyed by someone else.

Of course, second-hand clothing isn’t totally without its issues (delivery emissions when you buy or sell online being the obvious one, and it’s still possible to over-consume thrifted items), but it’s one way to reduce clothing waste and reduce purchases of new items while enjoying style in a more sustainable way.

Buying More Versatile Styles for Sustainable Rewearing

I enjoy getting creative with my presentation. For this reason, I love clothes, shoes, and accessories I can wear multiple ways. One of my favourite dresses at the moment is a simple one that I can dress down with leggings and a cardigan, make playful with fun tights and stompy boots, or dress way up with a petticoat, a waist belt and heels for a wedding or date.

For me, part of the fun of sustainable femme style is creating different looks by mixing and matching the same items in different ways.

I recently got this gorgeous green multiway dress from IDENTITY LINGERIE. IDENTITY is a slow fashion brand that makes lingerie, nightwear, dresses, and more, all while following zero-waste practices. This dress is wearable in so many different ways that it feels a bit like a new dress every time I put it on. The multiway bridesmaid dress trend has been popular for bridal parties for some time, but I think they’re a great choice for anyone looking to get more mileage out of one garment.

Buying Recycled and Upcycled Materials

Materials is a really complicated one when it comes to clothing, and there are no easy answers here. It’s also very, very hard to totally avoid unsustainable synthetic fibres such as polyester, nylon, and viscose. Some natural materials, such as cotton and bamboo, also present issues. The more sustainable alternatives can be expensive and hard to find, not to mention the confusion of wading through the muddy and often conflicting information out there.

One thing I’ve started trying to do, though, is look for more recycled and upcycled materials. This is a great way to support the “rescue” of materials that would otherwise end up in landfill.

For example, I recently reviewed a range of polyurethane (PU) leather accessories. PU is, in itself, pretty terrible environmentally. However, that particular brand manufactures its styles entirely from recycled materials, creating a sustainable alternative use for waste. I’ve also tried some gorgeous eco-friendly lingerie pieces over the years, many of which I still love.

Switching to Eco-Friendly Bathing & Beauty Products

Glitter is, of course, a staple of my personal femme style. But the wrong glitter products can also be hugely harmful to the environment. For that reason, you will only ever find eco-friendly, biodegradable glitter in my makeup bag.

I’ve tried to switch to more eco-friendly bathing and beauty products recently, too, including shampoo bars, mineral sunscreen, and products made without palm oil. This is in addition to my policy of not buying anything that was tested on animals.

Sustainable Style as an Ongoing Project

I’m sure I will keep learning more about sustainable style and eco-friendly practices, adjusting my habits as I go. None of us are (or can be) perfect. What matters is that we learn, grow, and try to do better every day.

IDENTITY LINGERIE gifted me the piece featured in this post. All views and writing, as always, are mine.

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How to Respond When Your Partner Discloses Jealousy or Insecurity [Polyamory Conversation Cards #12]

Published on by Amy

There’s a vast amount of information out there about how to deal with your own jealousy or insecurity in polyamorous relationships (I’ve even added to it myself!) What we see much less of, though, is information on how to handle it when a partner discloses feelings of jealousy, envy, insecurity, or other difficult emotions in polyamory.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How would you like your partner(s) to respond when you’re voicing a fear, insecurity or concern?”

Everyone’s answer to this will be slightly different. As always, the best way to learn about how to support your partner(s) specifically is to ask them. With that said, I have identified some common themes that usually help when someone is feeling jealousy, insecurity, envy, a trigger or reminder of a negative past experience, or similar emotions in a polyamorous relationship.

Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships is Normal, So Be Kind

If you take nothing else away from this piece, I hope you’ll remember this. It’s difficult to express vulnerable feelings such as jealousy or insecurity to a partner in polyamory and, if you meet your partner’s vulnerability with hostility, impatience or derision, they will likely never open up to you in this way again.

Try to meet them with gentleness, compassion, and grace. How would you want someone to respond to you when you were at your most raw? Do that.

Validate Their Feelings and Resist the Temptation to Downplay Them

When a partner is expresses jealousy or insecurity in a polyamorous relationship, the first instinct for many people is to try to make that feeling go away as quickly as possible. This can often look like downplaying, invalidating, or rationalising away very real emotions. Despite good intentions, this can come across as dismissive. It can leave a person feeling unseen, unheard, and misunderstood.

Never tell a person they “shouldn’t” be feeling a particular way, and do not try to logic them out of their emotions. Feelings are not rational, and causing someone to feel bad or guilty for their emotional response is never productive. Resist the urge to jump into “fix it” mode, too. That’s often not what a person feeling jealousy or insecurity in a polyamorous relationship needs, at least not right away.

Instead, listen and validate. Paraphrase your partner’s words back to them: “what I’m hearing you say is that you’re feeling…[fill in the blank].” Tell them that you understand, that you’re listening, and that their feelings are real and matter to you.

Not sure how to respond? “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. That sounds painful. I’m here for you” is rarely a bad place to start.

Offer Verbal Reassurance

Most of us want to hear that our partners love us, value us, find us desirable, and so on. This is equally true in a polyamorous relationship, and a lack of verbal affirmation can lead to jealousy or insecurity. Though the “love languages” system is deeply flawed, I’ve also found it a useful starting point in talking about how we give and receive love in relationships. I’m very much a words of affirmation person, for example, so verbal reassurance matters to me a lot when I’m feeling insecure.

It’s important to understand what your partner is feeling insecure about so that you can offer them appropriate reassurance accordingly. They might need to hear that you love them, that you still find them sexy, that you’re committed to your relationship and not going anywhere, or even that you’re not upset with them for some real or imagined infraction. (Things can get a bit meta at this stage. I often find I end up needing a second layer of reassurance: that my partner isn’t mad at me for feeling insecure or asking for reassurance in the first place!)

What’s even more important, though, is that your words of reassurance are backed up by actions. It’s no use saying all the right things if your actions say something else entirely. Never say things you don’t wholeheartedly mean, and never make promises you can’t or won’t keep.

Offer Touch and Comfort, If Possible

This may not be possible if you’re long distance or not physically together. But if possible, most people find a hug, a cuddle, or some other kind of physical contact from a partner to be comforting in times of emotional pain or distress. Jealousy and insecurity can be the toughest parts of polyamory, but a hug can make a lot of things better.

This isn’t universal, of course. Some people don’t like being touched when they’re processing difficult feelings. Always ask your partner first and respect their answer. “Would you like a hug?” or “I’d like to hold your hand, would that be okay?” are useful phrases.

If they’re not up for being touched, other physically comforting or grounding things—getting under a blanket, holding and sipping a warm drink, stroking a pet, playing with a fidget toy—can be helpful for some people.

Process with Them… or Just Sit with the Feelings

Some people like to process their feelings out loud when they experience jealousy or insecurity in a polyamorous relationship. For others, it’s more productive to simply sit in the uncomfortable feeling until it passes through and over them. Your partner will know best which is true for them. (And it might be a bit of both, or contextual depending on other factors.)

Either way, you can support them. If they need to process out loud, you can have a conversation or just listen to them talk. If they prefer to sit with the feelings instead, you can offer to be with them in that space or give them some alone time to work it through.

Change Your Behaviour if Appropriate, But Boundaries Are Essential When Responding to Jealousy in a Polyamorous Relationship

There will be many circumstances where you haven’t done anything wrong and your partner is simply having an emotional reaction to something that’s well within the parameters of your relationship. In these cases, comfort, support, and time to process may be all that’s needed.

In other circumstances, though, you may find it’s actually appropriate to change your behaviour in some way.

Huge, enormous, giant caveat here: in a polyamorous relationship, changing your behaviour in response to jealousy or insecurity should not negatively impact a third party or another relationship. Cutting off, curtailing, restricting, or “backburnering” another relationship is deeply cruel to the other person/people involved and never a good response to jealousy or insecurity.

So what can changing your behaviour in response to jealousy or insecurity look like in a polyamorous relationship? Here are a few examples:

  • Setting aside intentional, quality time to spend with a partner who is feeling neglected or sidelined
  • Agreeing to put your phone away so you’re not distracted when you are spending time with your partner
  • Offering more of something your partner feels is missing in your connection (physical touch, verbal expressions of love, sweet gestures, etc.)
  • Stepping up more with regard to shared responsibilities (children, housework, etc.)
  • Limiting the amount that you share/gush about your other sweetie(s) in the presence of a partner who is feeling jealousy or insecurity in your polyamory
  • Shifting to a more parallel style of polyamory, at least temporarily, while your partner addresses their jealousy or insecurity
  • Being more forthcoming in sharing important information with your partner
  • Taking more time to check in emotionally with your partner before or after potentially jealousy-inducing events (e.g. dates with new people)

Offer Only Things You Are Happy to Give

I have adopted this as a personal policy in relationships and it’s served me very well: I only make offers I’m wholeheartedly happy to carry out if the person takes me up on it. To offer things you don’t actually want to give is a trap and will only lead to hurt and resentment down the line. (Low-stakes but real example: If I offer you a ride home, I’m not going to feel annoyed about having to go half an hour out of my way if you accept. I only offered the ride because I was genuinely happy to give it.)

When we love someone and that person is feeling pain or distress, it is natural that we want to stop that pain. However, this can sometimes lead to making offers or promises that are not genuine. This might look like “I’ll cancel my date tomorrow night” or “I’ll always be home by 10pm so you don’t have to be alone at night.”

As I’ve mentioned above, curtailing other relationships is never a wise thing to offer or do in response to jealousy or insecurity in polyamory. Neither is heavily restricting your own freedom or other aspects of your life. However, it’s totally possible to make changes or implement strategies to help your partner feel better without doing these things. I outlined some options for this in the last section, but you should feel entirely free to get creative with it and strategise together. As with all things in relationships, it’s deeply personal.

Ask your partner what they would like from you, with the understanding that you’re not obligated to give it if you don’t feel able to do so with a full heart. Make offers and suggestions, too, but make sure they come from a genuine place.

Polyamorous Relationships Require Constant Communication, Especially When Jealousy Comes Up, So Check Back In Later

When a partner has expressed difficult feelings, it’s a good idea to check back in later and see how they are doing. This might mean asking them how they’re feeling a few days after the initial conversation or reaction and asking if there is anything else they need from you.

It might also mean checking in the next time an event happens that’s similar to the one that triggered the jealousy or insecurity. For example, if your partner felt jealous when you went out on a date with a new person, you might do an emotional check-in or provide some additional reassurance before the next time you go on a first date. You might also plan a way to reconnect and decompress together after the date.

A woman wearing a black half-face mask, black bra, and black leather body harness. Text reads: Bijoux Indiscrets MAZE review

[Accessories Review] Bijoux Indiscrets MAZE Faux Leather BDSM-Inspired Accessories Review

Published on by Amy

Whether you’re looking to take your kink party look to the next level or just add a little fetish-inspired glamour to your wardrobe, accessories can make your outfit. MAZE is a line of BDSM-themed vegan leather accessories from Bijoux Indiscrets including harnesses, headpieces, cuffs, and more. They sent me a selection of pieces to test and review.

Bijoux Indiscrets MAZE box and interior packaging

MAZE: Ethical Glamour?

Every Bijoux Indiscrets MAZE product is made of PETA-certified vegan polyurethane (PU) faux leather. PU leather is controversial because, though it is not made from animals, it is a type of plastic made from petrochemicals which have a terrible impact on the environment.

However, Bijoux Indiscrets’ MAZE range is made from recycled materials that would otherwise have ended up in landfill. For ethical and environmental reasons, I don’t usually buy new plastic-based faux leather items. But, since this material was already out there in the world and would otherwise have gone to waste, I feel comfortable wearing and recommending the MAZE range.

Ultimately, like real leather, you’ll have to consider your personal values and make your own decisions when it comes to PU leather.

The Look and Feel of Bijoux Faux Leather

Bijoux’s faux leather is soft and supple, looking and feeling remarkably like the real thing. The only thing missing is that unmistakeable leather smell.

Based on my experience with the various MAZE pieces I’ve tried it wears well——softening up just a little over time—and requires minimal maintenance to stay looking good as new. If you need to clean your MAZE accessories, a damp cloth and a little gentle soap is all you need.

Bijoux Indiscrets MAZE O-Ring Collar

The black faux leather Maze collar on my desk.

There are all kinds of elaborate, ornate and fancy BDSM collars available. However, sometimes elegant simplicity is what’s called for. The MAZE O-ring collar is a slender black band with a simple ring at the front, which is both decorative and functional (ideal for attaching a leash, for example!)

The MAZE collar is comfortable and easy to wear. On its first outing, I wore it all evening at a party, and it was so comfy that we were half way through our two hour drive home before I remembered I was still wearing it.

I like the simple fastening mechanism on this collar. Instead of a buckle, you close it by poking a small peg through one of the holes. The Bijoux Indiscrets O-ring collar is adjustable from a minimum circumference of 12.2″ up to a maximum of 16.14″, to fit the vast majority of wearers.

Pair your MAZE collar with a leash and cuffs for kinky play, with a harness for bondage-inspired glamour, or with some nipple pasties for burlesque-style sex appeal.

The MAZE collar retails for $30/£23.

Bijoux Indiscrets MAZE Hand Harnesses

Woman's hand wearing Bijoux Indiscrets MAZE hand harness

The Bijoux Indiscrets MAZE Hand Harness is a bracelet that’s worn around the wrist with an additional strap extending to a finger loop. They come in a set of two.

I really love these hand harnesses. They’re incredibly sexy in an unexpected way, just vanilla enough to wear in public but just kinky enough to draw a second glance. I like them as an easy way to enhance a simple all-black outfit with a little bondage-inspired twist. As someone who uses my hands a lot in an expressive way when I talk, I love having them accessorised like this. They’re comfy to wear, too, and do not impede my ability to use my hands normally.

If you like, you can also use the Bijoux Indiscrets MAZE Hand Harness as a kink tool. Why not clip them together to hold your partner’s hands behind their back, or attach a leash to one of them through the centre ring?

Unfortunately, the MAZE Hand Harness is not particularly size-inclusive. Although the wristband is adjustable from 6.3″ up to 7.87″, the finger loop is not adjustable and is pretty small. I have fairly small hands even for a cis woman, and the finger loop was slightly too snug to be truly comfortable. It did loosen a bit with wear, but it is right on the limit of what I could wear comfortably. Anyone with hands larger than mine—which includes a lot of AFAB people and the vast majority of AMAB people—would not be able to wear it comfortably.

A set of two hand harnesses retails for £31/€35.

Bijoux Indiscrets MAZE Leg Garters

Woman's leg in Bijoux Indiscrets MAZE Leg Garter

The Bijoux Indiscrets MAZE Leg Garters consist of two bands that sit just below the knee and around the ankle. A central strap runs up the back of the calf and connects them. They come in sets of two.

Like the MAZE hand harnesses, I find these sexy in a unique way. The calves and lower legs are not areas we often think to accessorise, which I think is a shame. An accessory that draws the eye to that part of the body adds an unexpected focal point to a look.

The MAZE Leg Garters are versatile, too. They look great with stompy boots and fishnet tights, but equally good with a short skirt and killer heels or even over a pair of skinny jeans. In fact, they’ll draw attention to your legs in just about any outfit and you can style them in tonnes of different and fun ways.

Again, though, size inclusion is a major problem. The band that goes around the knee is adjustable from 11.42″ to 13.78″. The ankle band is adjustable from 6.69″ to 9.84″. I can wear the leg garters on the loosest setting at the top and second loosest at the bottom. But again, a large majority of people with bigger bodies will simply not be able to wear them. Some MAZE products come with extenders, but these do not.

A set of two leg garters retails for £40/€45.

Thanks to Bijoux Indiscrets for sending me these pieces from the MAZE accessories range to try. All views are, as always, mine. This post contains affiliate links.

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How to Choose the Best Sex Doll for You

Published on by Amy

Sex dolls seem to be growing in popularity all the time, with more and more manufacturers and retailers popping up offering them in a huge variety of styles, shapes, sizes, and designs. The stigma against sex dolls also seems to be slowly reducing as more people come to understand that sex toys are for everyone and that owning one (or several, or many) doesn’t say anything negative about a person’s character, desirability, sexual prowess, or gender. But with so many options now available, how do you choose the best sex doll for you? If you’ve never bought one before, it can be confusing and overwhelming to say the least. In partnership with PPUNSON, here are six things to consider when you’re thinking about buying your first sex doll.

Sex doll by PPUNSON lying on its side

Before You Choose a Sex Doll, Get Clear on Why You Want One

People buy sex dolls for all kinds of reasons, and they’re all equally valid. From trying out new sexual techniques to building sexual confidence to experimenting with group sex fantasies without the emotional risk, your reasons for buying a sex doll will be completely personal.

Are you looking to fulfil a particular and specific fantasy, or just seeking a general-use toy? Will your partner, if you have one, be using the doll as well or is it just for you? What is it, specifically, about the concept and the reality of sex dolls that appeals to you?

Once you understand why you want to get a sex doll, you’ll be able to start formulating a clearer idea of what type is most likely to work for you.

Think About the Traits You Find Attractive

Sex dolls are not designed to be replacements for human partners. However, if there are particular traits you find attractive (such as large breasts, an hourglass figure, or a muscular chest) then you will probably be able to find a doll that boasts those features.

Some sex dolls are designed to be fairly realistic in their appearance. Others, however, often have exaggerated versions of human features. This means it’s vital to keep in mind that, while sex dolls are simply sex toys and completely harmless to use, it’s important not to compare your human partners’ bodies to them.

When You Fantasise About Using a Sex Doll, What’s On Your Mind?

Presumably you have fantasised about using a sex doll at least occasionally to get to the point where you are considering buying one. When you have those fantasies, what type of doll do you imagine? Try to hone in on the specifics as much as you can so you can choose a sex doll that aligns with your desires.

What shape and size is the sex doll you think about? What type of features does it have? How are you using it, and how might its design impact that use? Once you can picture your ideal sex doll, you can start shopping for something that fits the bill.

Consider Size When You Choose a Sex Doll

Sex dolls come in various shapes and sizes, from “life size” dolls roughly the size of an average human through to miniature versions and those only encompassing a small portion of the body (torso dolls or butt/genitals dolls, for example.)

When you’re choosing the best sex dolls for you, don’t forget about the practicalities. That life-size doll might be super sexy, but is it really going to fit in your tiny studio apartment? Where will you hide it when the family comes to visit? If you are going to be travelling with your sex doll, you might likewise want to choose a smaller one. PPUNSON offers sex dolls of various sizes.

On the other hand, full size dolls can offer a more realistic experience in use. If that’s important to you, you might decide that finding the extra storage space is worth it. There’s no right or wrong here, but think it through before you hit the purchase button.

Understand Sex Doll Materials and Care Considerations

Sex dolls can be made out of several different materials, but thermoplastic elastomer (TPE) and silicone are by far the most common. For the longest lasting and safest sex doll, choose silicone. Silicone dolls tend to be more expensive than TPE dolls, but are also likely to last longer because silicone is a non-porous material.

With good care and cleaning, TPE dolls can last for a good while. However, you’ll need to keep an eye on the material (watch for discolouration, dark spots, or bad smells) and avoid sharing them for safety and hygiene reasons. Using a condom can also help your sex doll to last longer.

You can use water-based lube with any sex doll material, but should avoid using silicone lube with a silicone doll as this can cause a chemical reaction that may damage the material.

What’s Your Budget?

Sex dolls are available at a wide array of price points, from tens of dollars up to thousands of dollars. Prices vary according to size, material, manufacturer, complexity of design, customization options, and more. So when you are trying to choose a sex doll, have a budget in mind. Retailers like PPUNSON offer dolls at various price-points.

If you’re prepared to drop the money for it, you can have a sex doll customized in virtually any way you like. If you’re on a budget on the other hand, you may be surprised at how many affordable options are out there for you to choose from.

Thanks to PPUNSON for sponsoring this post. All writing and views are, as always, mine. Image by PPUNSON.

Header image for a post about polyamorous dating and disclosure featuring a man looking at a woman on a dating app. Dating tips on what to disclose when you're dating as a poly person

5 Things You Should Disclose Upfront in Polyamorous Dating [Polyamory Conversation Cards #11]

Published on by Amy

Dating is hard. Who amongst us hasn’t spent hours swiping and swiping on dating apps or felt like we’ve wasted evenings of our lives at speed dating parties full of people we have nothing in common with? Polyamorous dating is even harder. Polyamorous people have a small dating pool to begin with (assuming you follow my number one dating tip of only dating other poly people) and it becomes smaller still when you factor in all the various ways that even two or more polyam people can be incompatible.

When I’m trying to date, I prefer to filter out unsuitable matches quickly. After all, no matter how hot someone is, if we’re wildly incompatible there’s no point in trying to take things further. Part of this process is knowing what you need to disclose (and ask) early on in dating a new person.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“What do new partners need to know upfront about what’s (im)possible given your existing relationships?”

Here are five things I think you really need to disclose upfront in polyamorous dating.

Poly dating tips: always disclose that you’re polyamorous upfront

No shit, right?

Well, a surprising number of polyamorous people seem to be completely cool with the idea of not disclosing that they’re polyamorous immediately. I’ve read polyamorous dating tips that tell people to wait until they are one, three, or even more dates into a connection with a new person before disclosing that they’re poly. This is absolutely, utterly, unequivocally not cool.

I believe that, as a general rule, polyamorous people should only date other polyamorous people. While there are occasional (very occasional) examples of mono/poly relationships that work, these are few and far between and most people who attempt this type of dynamic end up completely miserable. However, if you’re going to insist on trying to date monogamous people, at the very least you need to disclose your polyamorous status upfront. It’s not okay to bait-and-switch someone.

Put it in your dating profile. When you connect with someone, make sure they’ve actually read and understood that you’re polyamorous. And be ready to talk about what polyamory means to you, how you practice it, and any relationships you’re currently in

Be ready to talk about what style of polyamory you practice

People do polyamory in lots of different ways, and not all of them are compatible. If you practice relationship anarchy, hierarchical polyamorous people won’t be a good fit for you. If you’re in a close kitchen table polycule and hate not being able to have all your partners in one room, someone who prefers a strictly parallel style is unlikely to be a good match.

There’s nuance here, of course, and you should be ready to talk with a potential match about the particulars of your situation. But you should at least have a one-line elevator speech that sums up your polyamorous style and philosophy.

For example, I might say “I have a nesting partner and practice non-hierarchical polyamory. I prefer kitchen-table or garden-party polyamory but I’m also open to parallel if that’s what people need.”

Always disclose any rules or restrictions that will apply to your relationship

I’ve written recently about why I don’t think restrictive rules are a good idea in polyamory. But lots of people still have them and, if this is you, you really need to disclose them as quickly as possible.

If your new partner won’t be allowed to (for example) engage in certain sex acts, express or receive expressions of love with you, spend the night with you, or ever spend holidays and special occasions with you, they deserve to know these things upfront.

Someone can’t meaningfully consent to a relationship if it comes with a host of limits and restrictions they weren’t aware of.

Your dates deserve to know about any veto arrangements (including screening, tacit, or indirect vetos) that will apply to your relationship

A veto arrangement is where one partner—usually a spouse, nesting partner, or “primary”—has the power to unilaterally demand their partner end an outside relationship. I’ve written about the problems with veto multiple times and I now believe it is an inherently abusive thing. Unfortunately, some polyamorous couples still insist on it; if this is you, you must disclose it upfront to potential dating partners.

This includes other forms of veto power beyond the explicit, by the way.

Does your partner have a “screening veto” (i.e. can they veto a relationship when it’s in its fledgling stages but not once it’s established?) People you’re dating deserve to know that they have to pass an external party’s test before they can be in a relationship with you.

What would you do if a particular partner suddenly issued you with a “leave them or I’m leaving you” ultimatum? If the answer is anything other than “break up with the person who issued the ultimatum” then… that person has tacit veto power. Your other partners and potential partners should know this. They should know that, even if you don’t call it veto power, they are ultimately disposable in service of your relationship with someone else.

My real poly dating tip here is “don’t have veto agreements.” But if you absolutely must, at least be honest about it.

Don’t start polyamorous dating until you can articulate what type of relationship you’re looking for

Before you start dating, you should know what type of relationship you’re looking for and be prepared to be honest with your dates about it. Are you looking for a nesting partner? Someone to marry and/or have children with? A serious but non-nesting/non-escalator relationship? A one night stand, casual fuck-buddy, or friend with benefits?

One of the great things about polyamory is that we can feel out relationships as they evolve and allow them to be what they are. However, most of us also have at least some idea of what we’re looking for and what we’re absolutely not looking for.

Unfortunately, a lot of people lie about or obfuscate what they’re looking for on early dates. They pretend to be open to a serious relationship because they think it’ll make them look bad if they say they just want casual sex. Conversely, they might think it makes them look uncool and not “chill” to admit they want something serious, so they downplay it. This kind of thing just makes it harder to connect with people who want the same thing as you.

If you’re truly open to any kind of structure and just want to explore connections and see how things go? You can say that. But don’t say it if it’s not true. You’ll just waste your own time and theirs.

UPKO remote control wand vibrator harness combo header image feauring a woman's legs in black high heels

[Toy Review] UPKO Remote Control Wand Vibrator Harness Combo

Published on by Amy

There are a lot of so-called hands-free vibrators on the market, from wearables to knicker vibrators and more. However, far fewer of them are actually hands-free in any meaningful sense. Most of them require at least some manual input to keep them in place. Since the main selling point of these toys is that they enable you to use your hands to do other things while using them, it’s always disappointing when they don’t work as advertised. As such, I am continuously on the hunt for hands-free toys that really are hands-free. UPKO kindly sent me their remote control wand vibrator and thigh harness combo to review.

UPKO Remote Control Wand Vibrator and Vibrator Harness

The UPKO Remote Control Wand Vibrator measures 12″ in length. Both the handle and the head are coated in body-safe silicone. It weighs in at a fairly heavy 380g.

UPKO remote control wand vibrator

The wand is IPX6 waterproof which means it should not be submerged. It is USB rechargeable and you’ll get around 90 minutes runtime from a 2 hour charge. Included is a remote control which works from a range of up to 10 metres.

The other part of the kit Upko sent me to review is a thigh vibrator harness. This is made of nylon and consists of two thick black bands decorated with gold coloured metal hardware and an embroidered UPKO insignia. The harness fastens with velcro straps and is adjustable up to around 22″ in the upper band and 18″ in the lower. Each band features a smaller strap that sits on the inside of the leg and is designed to hold the wand in place against the genitals.

UPKO wand vibrator harness

Bafflingly, the marketing copy for this set includes the phrase “wearing it in public triggers a strong sense of embarrassment.” Which isn’t technically untrue, I’m sure, but… wearing this in public would also trigger a strong sense of getting arrested for public indecency. It’s not a little insertable or knicker vibe, it’s a giant fuckoff wand. There is no universe in which you’re using this in public.

With that said, let’s look at the pros and cons of this set.

UPKO Wand Vibrator & Harness Kit Review: What I Liked

UPKO wand vibrator and vibrator harness combo box

  • It arrived beautifully packaged in a smart and sturdy branded box
  • There are six settings—two constant vibration speeds and four patterns—and dual controls so you can scroll through them in either direction.
  • The motor has a decent amount of power behind it (not the rumbliness I’d prefer, though—see below.)
  • The flexible neck makes it easy to turn and position the head whatever way works best for your body.
  • The vibrator harness holds the wand in place effectively. After a little experimenting with positions and the tightness of the straps, I was able to enjoy this toy truly hands-free.
  • The harness is also pretty comfortable to wear.
  • The texturing on the wand’s head adds to the clitoral stimulation it provides.
  • The hands-free nature of this set presents some intriguing—and kinky—possibilities. Why not combine it with other bondage fun such as cuffs or shibari, or use it for orgasm control or forced orgasm play?
  • The vibrator is fairly quiet even on its top setting, clocking in at under 55db.
  • The buttons are easy to press and satisfyingly clicky.

Anything I Didn’t Like?

  • I like the toys I review to be pretty, and this Upko wand vibrator’s aesthetic is weird and dull. Why is it so grey? I suspect they were going for an elegant and classy vibe but it just doesn’t work for me.
  • The vibrations might be powerful, but they’re also pretty buzzy. I could get an orgasm out of this thing but it required a couple of pauses mid-session because it was starting to numb me out.
  • The harness is not as size-inclusive as it could be. The upper band is adjustable up to around 22″ in circumference but it would be trivial to add longer straps to make it suitable for bigger bodies.
  • The + and – buttons blend in with the surrounding silicone. Making them a different colour, more pronounced, or light-up would make them easier to use particularly in low light.

Upko Wand Vibrator & Harness Review: Verdict

This is not a bad kit for the price. You get a body-safe wand vibrator with a few different settings and a harness for a relatively affordable $129 (at the time of writing, on sale and down to $99.)

Ultimately, the wand itself is only mediocre and I’m unlikely to reach for it again. The harness, though, I do like. I’ll probably be trying it with other wand vibrators in my collection.

Thanks to UPKO for sending me this vibrator and harness kit to review. As always, views and writing are mine. Affiliate links appear in this post.