We talk about boundaries a lot in the polyamorous community. Boundaries are tremendously important in any relationship, and perhaps even more so when multiple people are involved. They help to protect our wellbeing, build trust and safety, maintain individuality in a relationship, and allow us to give generously to those we love without sacrificing ourselves in the process. But what we don’t talk about enough is the phenomenon of weaponizing boundaries. In other words, using them to control others’ actions, to sneak rules in by the back door, or to attempt to avoid jealousy and other difficult emotions.
In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.
This week’s card asks:
“How do you feel about having sex with multiple people on the same day (but not simultaneously), both for yourself and your partner(s)?”
You might be asking, Amy, what does this have to do with weaponizing boundaries? I’m getting there!
This question made me think about a common discussion topic I see in polyamorous spaces: the “24 hour rule” (or 48 hour rule, or 3-day rule, or whatever other variation you can come up with!) In short, what this means is that a person doesn’t want to have sex (or other intimate interactions) with more than one person in a given period… or that they don’t want to have sex or other intimate interactions with a partner who has been intimate with someone else in a given period.
In and of themselves, these are valid personal boundaries. I might not personally understand them, but they’re valid if they are important to you. Where it gets dicey, though, is when they start being used to control your partner’s behaviour outside of their relationship with you. This is what I mean by weaponizing boundaries.
Let’s back up a step, though.
What a Boundary Is and Isn’t
A boundary relates to yourself, your needs or limits, and the things that belong solely to you (your body, your mind, your emotions, your time, your personal property, and so on.) Boundaries are about the things you will and won’t do, the things you will and won’t allow to be done to/with you or your things, and the types of treatment you will and won’t tolerate. Above all, boundaries are personal.
You cannot place a boundary on another person.
Read that again: you cannot place a boundary on another person.
As soon as you’re telling someone else what they can or cannot do, except as it directly relates to their interactions with you or the things that belong to you, you’re no longer drawing a boundary. You are making a rule.
“Don’t touch me” is a boundary. “You’re not allowed to watch porn” is not a boundary. “No, I can’t lend you my car” is a boundary. “You have to be home by 9PM every night” is not a boundary.
In any relationship, but particularly in a polyamorous relationship, you can’t just slap the “boundaries” label on rules and restrictions and go. Probably 8 times out of 10 at least, when someone says “my partner broke a boundary” what they actually mean is that their partner broke a rule (and often an unreasonable one at that.)
You Get to Have Whatever Boundaries You Need… But You Can’t Use Them to Control Others
Other people obviously do have some responsibility to adhere to boundaries in certain situations. For example, “don’t touch me” is a reasonable boundary that requires the other person to respect. Because your boundaries are about you, they should relate to your behaviour or things that are directly done to/with you, not things that don’t directly involve you (such as your partner’s other relationships.)
To return to the “24 hour rule” example, it’s obviously fine if you don’t want to have sex with more than one person in the same period. It’s also fine if you don’t want to have sex with someone who has had sex with someone else in whatever time period you specify. You have an absolute, inviolable right to say no to sex at any time and for any reason, including for no reason.
Where this boundary tends to go sideways, though, is when people think it gives them the right to control their partner’s sex life outside of their relationship.
If you don’t want to have sex with a person who’s had sex with someone else recently, then your responsibility in this situation is… to not have sex until the relevant amount of time has passed. It is not your partner’s responsibility to abstain from sex they’d otherwise like to be having in order to “save it” for you.
When people get upset that their partner “broke a boundary” by having sex with another partner on the morning before their date night, for example, what they’re actually doing is outsourcing their comfort to a relationship they’re not even in. What would be violating this boundary, assuming they’re aware of it, would be having sex with you without letting you know that they’ve been intimate with someone else within your comfort window.
Do you see the difference?
Some Other Examples of How Weaponizing Boundaries in Polyamory Can Look
This post isn’t actually about the “24 hour rule”, I’ve just been using that as a convenient example to illustrate my points. But to consider this subject a bit more broadly, let’s look at a few other common examples of weaponizing boundaries in polyamory.
Boundaries as Sneakiarchy
Hierarchical polyamory has a pretty bad rap these days, and for good reason. It tends to disenfranchise those who aren’t at the top of the heap, and prevent those who are from actually doing the personal growth required to have healthy polyamorous relationships. However, many people now know that hierarchical practices are frowned upon but still kind of want to enact them due to the illusion of safety they offer.
Enter: sneakiarchy, or hierarchy by stealth.
Boundaries can so easily be weaponized to bring about sneakiarchy. If you’re saying your relationships are non-hierarchical, but tacitly or openly expecting your partner to defer to you or prioritise you above your metamours under the guise of “boundaries”, this is probably what you’re doing.
Example: “my boundary is that my wife has to sleep with me every night so she can’t stay over with her boyfriend”
Boundaries as Double Standards
I don’t make a secret of the fact that I’m cynical about mono/poly relationships (where one partner is monogamous and the other polyamorous.) In my extensive experience, they rarely work and often make at least one party utterly miserable. Of course, there are exceptions. But you know what’s never an exception and never okay?? Enforced double standards or mono/poly under duress.
Unfortunately, people who want to collect partners but not allow those partners to date others will often use the language of “boundaries” to justify this blatant double standard. I’ve seen so many people despairing over this, saying things like “I identify as polyamorous and I desperately want to date others but my husband has set a boundary that I can’t.”
Say it with me: Not. A. Boundary!
Example: “I’m polyamorous but I have a boundary against having polyamorous partners so all my partners need to be monogamous to me”
Emotional Issues Disguised as Safety Boundaries
Sexual health is perhaps the arena where this issue gets the most contentious.
Sexual health is important, and we should all be taking reasonable steps to keep ourselves and our lovers safe. However, our own sexual health is ultimately our own responsibility. Many people will use the language of boundaries to place restrictions on their partners’ other relationships, citing sexual health as the reason. This can make the restrictions difficult to argue with or push back against. After all, we all agree that sexual health matters, don’t we?
But this can easily become another form of weaponizing boundaries.
If you’re concerned that your partner’s sexual health practices aren’t in line with yours, you have a few options. Use barriers with them, abstain from sex with them, do less risky activities together (such as using toys or sharing mutual masturbation), or end the relationship. What’s not fair, though, is to use your sexual health needs to control their behaviour outside of your relationship.
Example: “my boundary is that you use condoms with everyone but me to take care of my sexual health”
What Does It Mean to Enforce Your Own Boundaries in Polyamory without Weaponizing Them?
Ultimately, unless we’re talking about a situation of abuse, a boundary is only a boundary if you’re willing to enforce it. Enforcing it might look like something as small as leaving the room or ending a phone call, or as big as leaving the relationship.
Enforcing your boundaries should not be about punishing your partner, but about protecting yourself and your wellbeing. And there are numerous safe and healthy ways to enforce your boundaries in polyamory without weaponizing them.
The biggest rule of thumb here? Focus on yourself. Do what you need to do to look after yourself. If you find yourself wanting to punish your partner, control them, or lash out at them, you’re probably weaponizing your boundaries.
Let’s go back once more to the “24 hour rule” for sex. You know by now that it’s not reasonable to expect your partner to abstain from sex with your metamour that they’d both otherwise want to have. So instead you might say something like “since you had sex with X this morning, I want to wait until tomorrow to be intimate with you.” You’re enforcing your boundary clearly but kindly, and you’re placing the restriction on yourelf, not on your partner’s other relationship or any behaviour that does not directly pertain to you.
If the 24 hour rule is genuinely important to you, this will feel fine. If it makes you feel angry and resentful, you might be hiding behind a boundary as an attempt to control your partner or to punish them for having sex with your metamour. In other words, you’re weaponizing boundaries.
What to Do Instead of Weaponizing Your Boundaries
If you think you’ve been guilty of weaponizing boundaries, don’t despair. Having the self-awareness to recognise this pattern is an amazing first step. It is within your power to stop doing this, and it will lead to healthier and happier relationships if you can break that cycle.
First, get really clear on your understanding of exactly what boundaries, rules, and agreements are (I’ve got a short primer in this post.)
Next, sit down with your partner(s) and have a conversation about your relationship, its structure, and your agreements. What do you each need and want from your connection? What does your relationship need to thrive, what do you both need as individuals, and what do your (current or hypothetical) other relationships need?
From here, you can set relationship agreements that work for both of you. Remember: agreements, not rules. Try not to be restrictive here, and to focus on positive additions for your relationship. Things like “we’ll have a date night every week to spend quality time together” and “we will always tell each other the truth, even when it’s hard” are great agreements.
And, of course, talk about your boundaries. What are your absolute needs and your absolute dealbreakers? For example: I won’t stay in a relationship with someone who shouts at me, I will only have sex with people who get a sexual health test regularly, and I expect to be told the truth about things that impact me.
If you’re not sure if something is a boundary, apply this test:
- Does it apply directly and solely to me and things that are mine (my body, mind, emotions, time, possessions, etc?) If so, it’s probably a boundary.
- Does it unreasonably restrict my partner, compelling them to behave in a certain way or to take/not take certain actions against their will, in any way not directly relating to their interactions with me? If it does, it’s probably not a reasonable boundary. If not, you’re good.
- Am I prepared to hold and enforce this boundary if necessary, even if it means having a difficult conversation, ending an interaction, or walking away from the entire relationship? If so, it’s probably a genuine boundary.
Next time you feel tempted to weaponize a boundary to control your partner or get your way, pause and check in with yourself. What fear is being triggered? What need is not being met? Is there a difficult underlying emotion such as jealousy that’s pushing you to act in this way?
Sit with that feeling. Unpack it. Talk to your partner about the fear, need, or emotion, and ask for their support without attempting to control them. Once you get good at this, you’ll feel no need to weaponize boundaries any more.
What to Do If Your Partner is Weaponizing Their Boundaries
On the other hand, perhaps you’ve recognised that your partner is the one weaponizing boundaries. Being in this situation can be incredibly painful, confusing, and stressful, and you don’t have to put up with it.
If your partner is weaponizing their boundaries and unwilling or unable to change their behaviour, you might want to consider leaving the relationship. Of course, most people don’t want to make this decision lightly, so if you’re not ready to leave there are things you can do to help change the situation.
In some situations, a detailed heart-to-heart conversation as discussed in the last section can go a long way to solving this issue. Your partner might not even realise that they’re weaponizing boundaries and, when you point it out, may be horrified that their behaviour is harming you. Sometimes, though, this won’t be enough.
Ironically, the best way to push back against a partner’s weaponizing of boundaries while staying in the relationship is… with more, better, and stronger boundaries of your own!
This means understanding who you are, what you need, what you value, and where your limits are. It also means having a very strong understanding of what boundaries are, what respecting them looks like, and when a “boundary” isn’t a boundary.
You don’t have to capitulate to unreasonable demands just because they are phrased as “boundaries.” You get to say “that’s not a personal boundary and infringes on my autonomy/my other relationship, so I won’t be adhering to it.”
In the end, though, the responsibility lies with your partner. You can’t force them to stop weaponizing their boundaries. All you can do is maintain good boundaries of your own, push back against unreasonable demands, and leave the relationship if you decide that’s the best thing for you.
Is Weaponizing Boundaries Abuse?
There’s no easy answer to this, except to say “sometimes.”
Not all instances of weaponizing boundaries rise to the level of abuse, though some certainly can. And a pattern of weaponizing boundaries over a period of time can absolutely become a type of emotional or psychological abuse, particularly when it manifests as coercive control.
If you think you might be being abused, seek support from friends and family, see a therapist, phone a domestic abuse hotline, or contact an appropriate organisation for help. And if you think you might be abusing your partner, resources such as Respect are a great place to go for help. It’s also important to contact a qualified professional such as a therapist and get support to stop your abusive behaviour immediately.
